Incredible Michele Bachmann Speech Gets Every Historical Fact Wrong

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Why does Michele Bachmann like the history of the founding fathers so much? Because, apparently, you can just make it up as you go along! Listen ye children as we do a “close read” of this speech and discover the many amazing improvised historical facts Michele Bachmann made up for us.

Let’s skip past the “the Tom Addison, the Tom Adams, err, John Adamses” part of this speech, and the part when she says immigrants are good, if they were born in the seventeenth century and were white. Cue it up to 9:00 or so.

9:30—Thomas Jefferson would be very interested to find out he plagiarized whole-cloth, without crediting those weirdo pilgrims, some sort of prayer thing from the Mayflower Compact. But it’s her word against his, and he never raised millions of dollars and blanketed the air with teevee ads, so he automatically loses.

9:40—Eighteenth-century America: “It didn’t matter the color of their skin, it didn’t matter their language, it didn’t matter their economic status… it made no difference. Once you got here, we were all the same. Isn’t that remarkable.” Yes, yes it certainly is! Those black slaves and poor white indentured servants were idiots! They didn’t realize they lived in a totally equal society, completely in line with one another. They just thought they were de-jure or de-facto owned by other humans! Whoops! COLONIAL FAIL! (Also: If this sounds like socialism, it WASN’T. Michele says the Pilgrims didn’t come over here for universal health care, so there.)

10:20—”We know there was still slavery that was still tolerated when the nation began.” Oh! So, forget all that other shit she said? “But we also know that the very founders who wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. And I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly, men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country.” She is really stressing the “tirelessly” here, because isn’t it weird that the Constitution would have nothing about slavery in it? And how so many of its framers wanted slavery and owned slaves themselves? People like, let’s see here, “the George Washingtons and the Thomas Jeffersons” she discussed earlier? They must have gotten pretty tired fighting Michele’s “evil” people who owned slaves (themselves). So tired, in fact, that though they “would not rest” until they finally saw slavery banned, they actually all died many decades before it happened! That just shows how dedicated the founders were. Their ghosts did more than half of century of grunt work on an issue they could have just solved in the Constitution without so much bloodshed.

 
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11:15—”We were a self-correcting country.” Yes, that sure is one way to describe it.

12:30—”Did you ever think in your lifetime that you would see the federal government purchase the largest car companies in the United States.” No. Because most people, those of us who believe in things like “sales figures” and “reported profits” realize GM and Chrysler aren’t the two largest car companies in the United States. There aren’t even the two largest American car companies in the United States. And the government didn’t even really buy these companies: one is a private company, and the other is publicly traded. You know what this means? Toyota and Ford are probably owned by the government too, and all cars are made by welfare queens in Mexican slums built between the local Lowe’s and Home Depot. Also, the country didn’t buy those banks she listed. And Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were set up by the government and were government-sponsored enterprises. But whatever, she’s been right about everything up to this point in her speech, right?

Anyway, your next president! She will be able to rewrite history at any point, whether it’s the most ancient of history of humankind, or something she did five minutes ago. [via TPM]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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308 comments

  1. Beowoof

    Facts and right wing facts have become mutually exclusive. Right wing teabagger babes have no access to facts, as they only listen to each other and Fox.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      If this moran ever discovers the Alien Sedition Act, expect her to full retard trying to get it reinstated. I'm still wondering how the HUAC has eluded her. Probably because she doesn't know what it stands for.

      1. teebob2000

        It didn't elude her. Recall when she went on Tweety's show and said that the media should investigate members of congress for anti-American attitudes.

    2. Rarian Rakista

      Their children are being effected as well, the current freshman crop from the rural areas seems especially moronic and racist this year. My friend who TAs an intro to urban planning class had a student in a cowboy hat ask him why they don't just build a wall around the poor neighborhoods to make the rest of our lives better.

    1. mereoblivion

      As writ by our own Potemkin Village Idiot. Her next installment: The day Obamacare massacred all those poors on the Odessa, Texas Steps.

  2. Tundra Grifter

    Perhaps she read that Newt Gingrich book "To Save America" and confused it with a factual historical account.

    I'm not writing about one of his terrible "novels" such as "Valley Forge" – I'm writing about what he claims is history. It isn't.

      1. widestanceroman

        Listening to the entire speech yesterday, all that kept me going was the dream of Wonkette coverage to follow.

    1. tiredalways

      We sometimes sit through the chalk on the board screeching of SP too so don't underestimate our power of suffering..

    2. Crank_Tango

      15 minutes? Hell, I won't sit through 15 seconds. Same goes for pretty much everyone else tho.

    3. Rotundo_

      With or without clawing our eyeballs out and shoving pointed objects in our ears? Watching this crazy fuck mutilate history is just a little too far out of the boat for me. It is comforting that she doesn't have much in the way of committee standing. She'll probably campaign for and re-establish the HUAC and start blacklisting people again.

    4. Toomush_Infer

      Yeahhh, I made about three seconds – thanks, tireless Wonketteers, wherever you are, who 'took it on the chin', (whatever 'it' is)….and now on to better drinking through chemistry…. I raise my glass to Al Jolson and all the founding fathers, wherever they may be, founding mothers or whatnot… also Marx and all his brothers….

    5. Dashboard_Jesus

      wow, y'all are good, I only made it 37 seconds! but had to stop cuz she was mezmerizin' me with those amazin' hand signalz, like it wuz sum secret game of charades that only morons can interpret the code…also

  3. PabaBritannica

    You see, like the founding fathers, we built this place.

    You see, we built this city. We built this city on Rock and Roll.

    1. SorosBot

      Can you even tell a Sarah speech apart from one of Michele's with just a transcript? Both of them just say, "Pay attention to MEEEEE!! Me me me me me me!!"

      1. foog

        You betcha you can! Sarah's speeches are chock full of homey, emotional appeals. Michele's are chock full of facts (that happen to be incorrect).

      2. foog

        Also, Palin's speeches make me want to stick tabasco-coated hot skewers through my eardrums. But Bachmann's speeches make me want to slit my eyeballs open with razors then stick my head in a tub of iodine. Also.

  4. genxr

    Have you forgotten how our founding fathers fought against communists? Those commie redcoats wanted to push universal healthcare, but like the father of our country Sam Adams said, "Give me liberty, or give me death because I have a pre-existing condition!" And that became known as the Boston Lager Party.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      They knew Marx was going to write his book a century before he did.

      Clearly, they were witches, & should have been burnt.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Well, according to Glenn Beck, George Washington opposed socialism almost a hundred years before Marx came up with it, so, yeah.

        1. mumbly_joe

          Well, TO BE FAIR:

          It wasn't the term we used for it at the time, because "Christian Socialism" wasn't an actual thing yet, but even before Marx and Engels, there was the occasional religious commune or mission that held their goods in common and distributed amongst each other as they needed, in an effort to emulate the Apostles of Acts. Some of the organized thoughts on this predate Marx by quite a bit (the wiki notes writers and theologians in the 1830's, at least).

          And FURTHERMORE, it's clear enough that Washington, like may of the founding fathers, was not particularly religiously devout, so it STANDS TO REASON that he did not really buy into that sort of thing at all.

          What, is that not supposed to be what Glenn Beck meant?

    1. Mekhong Kurt

      Not in *my* qorld, it won't,@Boredw/Gravity.

      I guess they could drug me and ship me to Bizarro World orbiting some star in the Andromeda Galaxy, where her ancestral home must be. . . .

  5. bumfug

    I used to say that Michele is crazy as a shithouse rat but I realized that's totally unfair to shithouse rats.

  6. smokefilledroommate

    She must think George Washington was a Civil War general.. Honestly, Bachmann's a 'blot and a stain' upon our history.

  7. weejee

    Get the cup for the pee test, she has to be heavy into the purple double dome. Maybe the orange sunshine, too, also.

    What's that you say? MB is not into acid? Shit, that is one way too crazie crazy.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Nah, I had some really morph-laced pot one time….trees went by like cardboard standups….I'm pretty sure she got hold of this….I should ask her where….too bad I can't do that anymore….good, uh, times…

  8. JustPixelz

    That Sara Benincasa is quite the Michele Bachmann impersonator. I'll bet she could get herself on the House floor and vote some crazy-ass shit.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Hey, according to John Boehner and his league of craven acephalic nepocrats and fools, slavery wasn't even mentioned in the Constitution — if it had been, they would've said something about it when they read the entire thing out loud. If they had read the entire thing out loud.

      1. jodyleek

        Yes, I imagine he downs 3 fifths of something before lunch on most days. Helps explain the weepy-ness.

  10. Troubledog

    One day, Michele Bachmann and her entire congressional district simply vanished. When a rescue bus dispatched by Tea Party Express arrived weeks later, there was no sign of them other than the word CROATOAN carved into a tree.

    1. tiredalways

      I am just giggling thinking how many searches on google would it take for them to understand what does Croatoan mean :)

  11. Terry

    “It didn’t matter the color of their skin, it didn’t matter their language, it didn’t matter their economic status… it made no difference. Once you got here, we were all the same. Isn’t that remarkable.”

    People who weren't of the predominant religions might have some issues with that statement, as well. Open bias against Catholics and Jews (other than in Maryland where the Papists owned the place or Pennsylvania where they pretty much let anyone in), Roger Williams and the founding of Rhode Island, people put on trial for witchcraft, and much much more.

    1. PsycWench

      I thought I'd seen some old pix of signs that said "No Irish Need Apply" and heard about organizations that excluded Jews, but maybe that was my imagination.

      1. Terry

        Yeah, my family imagined the hell out of that one, too. We haven't even mentioned to the people of color, either.

        Michelle Bachmann is a mean fool and I hope she drives the GOP establishment insane(-er).

    2. SorosBot

      It's also funny because the teabagger movement she supports very much wants to go back to the day the color of your skin, language, sex, and religion are the basis for legal discrimination; that's kind of what "states' rights" means.

      (We still have legal discrimination based on economic status so there's no need to bring that back).

    3. DoktorZoom

      In 1656 two Quaker women, Ann Austin and Mary Fisher, landed in the Bay Colony. Quakers believed in the equality of men and women, and they believed that women had a right to preach. Fisher and Austin were arrested as "blasphemous heretics" and their books were burned… Later the same year eight Quakers were arrested on a ship arriving in Boston Harbor. Their leader, Christopher Holder, stumped the Puritan magistrates when he pointed out that they had no law proscribing Quaker belief.

      Laws were quickly passed with increasing severity: the first offense would be to have one ear cut off, and offending a second time would cost Quaker males the other ear. Quaker women were to be whipped instead. If Quakers, male and female, had not their lesson by the fourth time, "their tongues would be bored through with a hot iron." Christopher Holder kept coming back to Boston to preach and to debate Puritan leaders, so on July 17, 1658 Holder and two other Quakers had their ears cut off, whipped twice a week for nine weeks before they agreed to return to England.

      –Nick Gier, "The Persecution of Quakers: Shame on Our Puritan Forefathers"

      Now, I won't claim to be a historian like Ms. Bachmann, but it seems to me that wall of separation of church and state is workin' out pretty well for us, even if Michele thinks it isn't in the Constitution.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        If (and this is a BIG if) Michelle were a thinking person, she would argue that all this happened before America became, well, America and that, technically, they were still English citizens who operated under English jurisprudence. Michelle being Michelle, however, would more than likely just put her fingers in her ears and start screaming "Lalalalala I can't hear you, Lalalalalala!"

        1. hobgoblin

          She would really freak then if she realized the last trial for blasphemy in this country was in 1838, when America was no longer English. On second thought, she would probably be aghast that we *haven't* tried anyone for blasphemy in 173 years.

          1. Mekhong Kurt

            Bravo, @hobgoblin!

            I might suggest that in some sense, there have been what come down to blasphemy trials since the early 19th century. Exhibit A is the case of tghe State of Tennessee v. Scopes, i.e., the 1925 "Scopes Monkey Trial."

        2. DoktorZoom

          And of course, that fairly recent history of religious-based persecution and sectarian violence is what informed the adoption of the 1st Amendment–it wasn't just an abstract argument for the Framers.

        3. zhubajie

          It's pretty clear that when religiousrightniks talk about America being a Christian nation, they mean Puritan Massachusetts.

      2. snoopyfan2010

        Funny thing, her Swedish grandparents probably came here to avoid religious persecution and a rigid class system.

    4. Sassomatic

      Good God that is the largest pile of bullshit I have ever heard. Did it also not matter if you and your ancestors were here for hundreds of years before all these "equal" people showed up?

    5. hooray4anything

      Don't forget the Chinese. We were super-nice to them way back then. In fact, we were so nice we let them build cross-country train tracks along with the Irish out of the kindness of our hearts

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        at least them Chinamen was smart enough to get off the railroad ASAP and become doctors and lawyers and such, unlike my Irish relations many of whom are STILL workin' on the railroad (and priests, kiddie diddlin' priests!)

        1. Rarian Rakista

          They were the original Mexicans in the Pacific Northwest, they were expected to only go into service industries like dry cleaning, restaurants and the like at first, but after a while the white folks banned Chinese from towns, counties and even states.

  12. metamarcisf

    Rep. Michele Porkmann (R) MN is already making news for recording her rebuttal to the State of the Union address before it has even been given. For her next trick: Tune in February 7 for her Super Bowl prediction.

  13. Cicada

    It's speeches like this that make me pine for the witch burnings and adulteress stonings of our pilgrim founders.

  14. doxastic

    They didn’t realize they lived in a totally equal society, completely in line with one another. They just thought they were de-jure or de-facto owned by other humans!

    And the 19th amendment was only necessary because ladies lacked imagination.

    1. petehammer

      Holy crap, you're right!

      Other facts:
      "Reagan could often be seen windsurfing with Jesus in the Potomac while Democrats tried to pass legislation legalizing killing white men."

      and

      "George Washington's 'I have a Dream' speech was later stolen and used by Martin Luther King."

  15. AlaskaGrrl

    "Facts are stupid things." Henry Ford

    "I'm a Tea Party Patriot, and that's a fact." Michelle Bachmann

  16. SorosBot

    Jack, I'm pleasantly surprised you managed to sit through nearly fifteen minutes of Bachmann and apparently still have your sanity intact.

  17. edgydrifter

    I am sooooo looking forward to MB's Tea Party response to the official GOP response to the SOTU address. If she stripped naked, set puppies on fire and started juggling them it would hardly be more absurd and deranged than the words that will be coming out of her mouth.

    1. SorosBot

      The thing is, the guy giving the official response is already in crazyland; he came up with the alternative GOP budget that practically defunded Social Security and Medicare, and basically offered undoing the New Deal. But he's not nuts enough for Michele, who's decided to make her own grandstanding response to get herself a little more attention.

    2. Boredw/Gravity

      Most of those words will be coming out of her ass, not her mouth. Oh hell, what's the difference.

    1. hooray4anything

      red, white and blue, of course and full of bald eagles crying over our country's descent into socialism

  18. nounverb911

    "We were a self-correcting country.”
    What language is she speaking? Is she talking about second amendment solutions?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      She's thinking of Wikipedia. That's self-correcting. Unfortunately, we don't live in WikiUSA.

    2. Sassomatic

      I think she meant something like spell-check. If we still had that the teabaggers wouldn't have such stupid signs.

  19. hagajim

    Here's a nice little fact for you Wonketteers….Michelle Bachmann is the epitome of everything that is wrong with this country. Many of us (too many) are too fucking stupid to realize what a retarded shill this dumb bitch is and we keep electing an ever lower level of IQ idiot to run the country because we want to be able to hang out with those who represent us. Guess what? We're too fucking stupid to hang with those who should be running the country so we repeatedly elect and re-elect mindless, shallow cunts and assholes who are doing their fucking best to destroy this country from within as fast as humanly possible! THE END!

  20. nike2422

    The more I read or hear what these crazy Tea Bagger politicians say happened in the 18th century, the more I realize these crazy Tea Bagger politicians are making it up. Sure, everybody was the same … which is why 5% of Bostonians controlled 50% of the taxable wealth in the late 18th century, and there were thousands in Boston working for no pay, either as indentures, apprentices or slaves. But they were all equal … equally unrepresented by any government on either side of the Atlantic ocean.

    No one is interested in historical facts, however …

  21. SheriffRoscoe

    But, you guys! History isn't about what happened. It's about what you prefer to imagine happened! Hello, The Bible?

  22. Jukesgrrl

    I understand we have Gore Vidal to thank for this. Come to think of it, she COULD have come straight from the pages of Myra Breckinridge.

  23. Blendergoathead

    I view the 2012 GOP primary race with about the same enthusiasm as I viewed my first colonoscopy. Exciting in the "this is going to be totally fucked" way, but still a pain in my ass.

  24. SmutBoffin

    Other Shelly Bachmann 'facts':

    1) Gore Vidal did 9/11
    2) Benjamin Franklin invented Trucknutz ('carriage bollocks')
    3) The Tenth Amendment was written by Jesus

    1. Crank_Tango

      I dunno what Al Gore Vidal Sassoon has to do with anything, but if he don't look good, we don't look good.

      also, carriage bollocks FTW.

    2. aguacatero

      That Jesus wrote the 10th Amendment is a common misconception — in fact Jesus wrote only two parts — the requirement in Article I, Sec. 9, that direct taxes be apportioned among the states and the 21st amendment, which repealed Prohibition.

      The Tenth Amendment was written by Bernie Taupin.

    3. Tommmcatt

      4) A "well-regulated militia" explicitly means "anyone over 16 with a driver's license" .

      5) The "Supremacy Clause" in the Constitution encompasses only Diana, Mary, and Florence and specifically excludes anyone else who might have been a member of the group at any given time.

      6) Little Known Fact: The Declaration and Constitution are both written on parchment made from Brontosaurus skin, as they were still kept domestically on this continent as late as 1840.

    1. DoktorZoom

      I take a certain degree of comfort from knowing that, somewhere in the Multiverse, this has to be true.

    2. petehammer

      I want to see her up on stage suddenly sweating, looking at her nearly invisible hand, then pulling out a picture of her (now disappeared) siblings.

  25. mumbly_joe

    ”We know there was still slavery that was still tolerated when the nation began.” Oh! So, forget all that other shit she said?

    I would assume this bit is just because Bachmann is a self-correcting cuntry.

  26. Wilcoxyz

    You know what else isn't in the Constitution? A signature from someone representing Minnesota.

    Clearly our founding fathers never intended to extend west of the Mississippi River. Or Cumberland Gap. Or I-55, or whatever.

  27. EdFlintstone

    The morons can't spell simple signs, you think they're going to know when somebody is lying to them about history? And please stop with the Bachmann is hot.

    1. SorosBot

      Bachmann knows to only appear in images in extreme soft focus so as to hide her wrinkles; that's how she's able to pass herself off as hot to some.

    2. GregComlish

      Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because I want to give it to MB up the A, doesn't mean I think she's hot. It just means that I have a sick fascination with defiantly submissive women who publicly broadcast their need to get bent over by a Big Strong Man who may or may not be very, very Urban. Bachman just wants to be dressed up like a girl in Sunday school, spanked, and then take in the c*cks six ways from Sunday.

      Now Palin on the other hand would be a really shitty f*ck for me. Her narcissism and innate insecurities would trump any sexual impulses. Her vagina would be totally anesthetized and she would immediately get bored as soon as you stopped telling her how great she was. The only thing that could turn that woman is on is the thought of more money and fame.

      Not that you asked.

  28. inedalo

    sounds to me like she studied at that Glen Beck University of Unreality! or was it
    Oral Roberts U? them students sure do study hard….

    1. mumbly_joe

      Oral Roberts U is the prime example of an "institute of higher learning" that is way less fun than its name makes it sound. In fact, I'm pretty sure it verges on false advertising.

  29. DustBowlBlues

    What will happen if she ever reads shit produced by a historian and not invented by Faux Newz? In old age, John (not her fave, Quincy) Adams said he wasn't sure if there were life after death, but "if it should revealed or demonstrated that there is no future state, my advice to every man, woman and child would be . . . to take opium." *

    *Joseph Ellis, "American Creation," page 14.

    John Adams rocked, but not in a Teabagger way!

  30. WriteyWriterton

    Okay, I watched the bit at 9:42 about "people groups," climaxing (ha, ha, climaxing!) in "Once you got here, we were all the same."

    "We have completed boarding of our handbasket today. Thank you for flying Tea Party Air[head]lines."

  31. SorosBot

    If the Founding Fathers had intended for the Constitution to allow for government-run businesses, they would have done something like create a socialistic nationalized bank or something.

        1. Extemporanus

          Haha, you were just worth nothing, too!

          I made you 3/5 of a p, son, but IntenseEmancipate rounded you up.

        2. LesBontemps

          Meh. If those douchebags want to suck away our pee, it really says more about their impotent rage than anything else.

          1. DoktorZoom

            As I've said elsewhere, I think that they may truly believe that they are stealing our mana or something.

            I'd have compared it to "counting coup," but I figured they'd be more likely to be familiar with World of Warcraft than Plains Indians…

          2. SorosBot

            Hey, as long as the Breitbarters are thumbing down our P all day they're not making a bomb for an MLK parade or preparing their Glock for a mass shooting.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah and that whole "opposition to slavery" thing, yeah we just kind of invented a century or so of history so we could give 19th century libtards (the beginning of our movement, stove pipes hats on people!) credit for banishing slavery from those fat southern white conservatives when we all know the good, right wing freedom lovin' founders never instituted slavery nor did they de-institutionalize religion. This wuz a country dedicated to guns, church and equality of opportunity like Reagan said…stop lying people!

  32. LionelHutzEsq

    “It didn’t matter the color of their skin, it didn’t matter their language, it didn’t matter their economic status… it made no difference. Once you got here, we were all the same. Isn’t that remarkable.” Yes, yes it certainly is! Those black slaves and poor white indentured servants were idiots! They didn’t realize they lived in a totally equal society. . . .

    What Ms. Bachmann remembers, and you liberals forget, is that the Constitution is an enlighten document providing for a free society. Yet not everyone is ready for freedom, so the Constitution discriminated in the only rational way possible: Penis size.

    [Cont.]

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      If you were too small (women, poor whites), you could not vote. If you were too large (blacks), you were slaves. Only if you showed moderation could you own property and vote. Quickly, poor whites learned that they could make their penises bigger by owning guns, which ended the practice of indenture servitude. Women wouldn't get the right to own guns and pretend to have a penis until early in the 20th century. While many have pointed to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. as being instrumental to blacks finally getting rights, many scholars within the Tea Party point out that it wasn't until Michael Steele became head of the RNC that blacks finally proved they could be as dickless as whites.

  33. WhatTheHeck

    Once upon a time, facts were put in books for us to examine, discuss and learn from. But you know, that was then. Today, facts can be put on banners, You Tubed and Twatted. If it ain't on Face Book, it ain't worth nuttin, cause them books is made for burnin, now.

  34. Come here a minute

    How remarkable that whether you signed the Mayflower Compact or arrived in the hold of a slave ship, if your descendant became president and had dark skin his citizenship would be questioned.

  35. DustBowlBlues

    Also, everyone who signed the Declaration of Independence and/or the constitution knew that the greatest challenge to the new republic's survival would be slavery. But if they gave in to the anti-slavery northerners, the southern delegates would have refused to join.

    The south: reprehensible in the age of the republic's creation; reprehensible today.

  36. MinAgain

    It didn’t matter the color of their skin, it didn’t matter their language, it didn’t matter their economic status…

    You know what did matter, Michele? Their girly bits. And they continued to matter for the next 150 years.

  37. widestanceroman

    Did anyone else love the story of the too-tall-for-child's-rate kid almost left behind in the old country because the rest of the family wanted a better life in America (captain said the tall teen had to sail at adult rate and family had no money for that)? I heard the entire speech (and lived to tell) yesterday and was gobsmacked by all of it.

  38. Extemporanus

    "I think it's important for us to remember that the George Washingtons and the Ben Frankerlins and the Thomas Jefferensons and the John Addis…Adams…err, John Adams stood on the shoulders of the very immigrants who came here."

    You forgot to mention John Cock…tos…son, Felch.

      1. Extemporanus

        Leave it to a Paultard to confuse child bearing hips with shoulders.

        (ALSO: "John Cock…tos…TON"

        Not being able to edit replied-to comments is fucking unconstitutional.)

  39. wheezinggeek

    You missed some of the best New And Improved Facts.

    "For 21 generations we've followed the words of Lincoln…" Maybe, if honest Abe was actually an immortal vampire.

    "John Quincy Adams would not rest until slavery ended…" Actually, he rested – permanently – 10 or 15 years before slavery ended.

  40. bureaucrap

    "And that's why the French and the Italians fought the Revolutionary War in Columbus Ohio, which Columbus discovered on the banks of Texas's famous Red River. But it was really the freedom-loving Germans who came over with their knodeln and beat the Old Europeans at their own game. Which is why Jesus and Abraham Lincoln both endorsed George W. Bush for President."

  41. problemwithcaring

    "They did not come here for the promise of a federal handout."

    Oh god, please. Early white settlers were a mix of mercenary slave owners, land grabbers, gold hunters, religious refugees, and convicts. Evey single one of them survived on some form of "public" handout – if not directly from the Crown or some form of political patronage, then from the native tribes who either took pity on them or were brutalized by them.

    1. Ducksworthy

      And the great industrialization of Amurikka we not subsidized by the federal government and how do you think the railroads were build, handouts from the federal government. No. Land grants!

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Apparently Mrs. Bachman never head of "Royal" colonies – state-sponsored for-profit enterprises. Take, for example, Maryland. Please.

      1. SorosBot

        She's also never heard of the Homestead Acts which gave land away to would-be farmers throughout the late 1800s.

    3. hooray4anything

      She's right, actually, in that my forefathers didn't come here for a federal handout. They came here because they were busy being raped by Cossacks.

  42. Tundra Grifter

    When she hit the part about the dark thunderclouds of debt becoming icebergs the ship (of state) was heading straight for I thought to myself "And to think – she actually wrote this all down first!"

  43. MrsBiggTime

    "What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! "
    -Bachmann/Bluto 2012

    With apologies to the soul of John Belushi, who would be 62 years old today, if he hadn't died at the Battle of the Little Big Horn along side John Souza.

  44. Chet Kincaid

    Get this woman some "Roots", "Gangs Of New York" and "Amistad", stat! If the retardation doesn't subside, apply "Boardwalk Empire" hourly and re-wrap her head-wound with some Golden Legacy Black History Comic Books. Go easy, true scholarship and historical texts could send her into a coma, and then she'd never stop talking!

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Forget it, CK. This patient's already passed into an irreversible PVS. I've peeled potatoes with higher IQs.

    2. WriteyWriterton

      Regardless of higher IQ, the potatoes had better edumacations, or made better use of them.

      And how 'bout our Bears? I wound up watching most of the game, even though I'd predicted the outcome (but not the score). At least I fixed a plugged sink and made turkey chili, so the afternoon wasn't a total loss. And then I saw a play about the Liberian civil war, which was more depressing than the Bears game, but better executed by all involved.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        There were a bunch of Packers fans checking out of the hotel attached to my office building this morning as I came in, but I took the high road and didn't give 'em the stink-eye.

        I don't need Jay Cutler to be Mr. Personality, but he really did himself no favors yesterday, huh?

        I might need to hibernate from pro football for a decade again, like I did in the 90s. When I woke up last time, all the teams had butched up their uniforms with darker colors and there were all these southern teams with stupid names.

  45. genxr

    If there's a history of our Founding Fathers that doesn't involve Reagan stepping out of a helicopter with a machine gun, I don't want to hear about it.

  46. ph7

    ”We were a self-correcting country.”

    Civil War casualties: 618,000

    Arizona shooter casualties: 18

    In other words, we have a lot more self-correction to look forward to before we match our forefathers!

  47. Ducksworthy

    Whoops. When I heard the shining new office buildings bit I thought she was talking about our friends in Shanghai. In Fucking Communist China!

  48. DoktorZoom

    My current read is Jill Lepore's The Whites of Their Eyes: the Tea Party’s Revolution and the Battle Over American History. It's a very good dissection of the "historical fundamentalism" that motivates the Tea Party, and a refreshing take on how the history of the Revolution has been put to various political uses. She makes an especially good case that a lot of the Tea Party's version of history grew out of a reaction to the 1970s, and the difficulty that we had in celebrating the Bicentennial in the face of the contradictions of Vietnam and Watergate. See also this New York Times review of a number of recent books on the Tea Party, including Lepore's.

    Gotta like an author who quotes a bit of double-entendre by Benjamin Franklin and follows it simply with "Ahem."

  49. PalinPussyPower

    I can tolerate a woman who is unapologetically stupid so long as she's hot. I can also tolerate a woman who is batshit crazy as long as she's wearing a bikini shaking her ass. This woman is just a boner killer. Straight up.

  50. Ducksworthy

    Just thinking about what the Puritans would have done to this witch gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

  51. fuflans

    i heard some egghead muckedy muck physicist on 'fresh air' today talking about science and 'parallel universes'.

    but he said you COULDN'T cross between worlds…

    1. SorosBot

      But but such Star Trek episodes as "Mirror Mirror" and "Parallels" say that travel between universes is possible, and if Star Trek says something it must be true!

      (I've figured if the fundies decided they can treat an obvious fantasy as fact, I can do the same).

      1. Ducksworthy

        Congratulations. You have found our new bible, Star Trek. The original I presume? Or will that serve as Genesis? Wait. Isn't that an episode. BTW, if you haven't seen it yet check out R. Crumb's illustrated Genesis. Beautiful. Don't miss Lot's daughters. That old bible was just plain filthy.

        1. SorosBot

          No, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and movies 2, 3, 4, 6 and First Contact; the other shows/movies were not very good, and if Christians can pick and choose which part of their Bible really count (count: gay-hating parts of Leviticus; don't: no pork, shellfish or mixed fabrics part of the same) so can members of the Trek Church.

  52. mumbly_joe

    Eh, a fair sight of them probably do want to go back to the original original. Hell, a few of them have even floated reviving that thing where only land-owners could vote, because, y'know, populism.

    1. SorosBot

      A lot of what they want really is in the original original constitution, the Articles of Confederation; but they don't know much about history and like to pretend it's in the one we have.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Yeah, like the thing where they're convinced the states can mint their own money if they want, even though that unmitigated clusterfuck was literally one of the main reasons they re-convined to fix the constitution in the first place, and consequentially, one of the things the Constitution explicitly prohibits the states from doing.

  53. MissTaken

    Are we 100% sure she isn't just fucking with us in some performance artist way? 15 minutes of "history" and not a single correct reference. That must be some kind of record, no?

  54. Blendergoathead

    This actually takes Brooks' term "authentic frontier gibberish" to a level he couldn't have ever contemplated. x11

  55. anteater

    This history is sure hard and stuff.
    Thanks Michelle for setting me straight, ok?
    Did you hear the Frenchies had a revolution too and they chopped off the heads of, I think, communists just like we're gonna.

  56. SenileAgitation

    You know, people have a version of the early times and what that means to them that isn't about external truth, but how it makes them feel inside. As so, Michelle is more correct than ever. Blithe disregard for facts in the face of pretty strong feelings that it should have been that way, and so may as well have been, is no vice! Patriotic parables do not seek parallels in the Liberal Fact Checkers Hall of Fame, thank you. Tickets are only $265 and come with historic name tag, Constitution printed on velvet, colonial flag and see-though peasant blouse of the type Betsy Ross used to seduce Thomas Paine!

  57. Rasvar

    This sounded like a really bad college freshman presentation.

    Oh wait, a college freshman would not have been this bad. You could plagiarizer Wikipedia and get a better more factual speech.

  58. Redhead

    Well, if we went back to the Constitution as it was originally written, neither she nor Palin would actually live in the US or be able to run their mouths to anyone except their cooks, Arizona would be part of Mexico and could implement whatever policies they want to against brown people (good luck with THAT working out), O'Donnell could and would be burned at the stake as a witch, and Boehnner's hue might cause confusion but would prevent him from running for office.

    So, there's that…

  59. lochnessmonster

    So I guess Lincoln had nothing to do with ending slavery and the Civil War was a story they told 'round the campfire?

  60. bflrtsplk

    If she got everything wrong, that should be enough to get her a 100 percent rating with Red State, the Birch Society and, most importantly, Glenn Beck, since logic, in her case, is completely backwards.

  61. no_u

    Has the Congressional Prayer Caucus written her a fact-check letter yet? And if so, did she sign this one, too? Awkward!

  62. DoktorZoom

    “But we also know that the very founders who wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. And I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly, men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country.”

    Or maybe we should also mention those pro-Independence pamphleteers in Boston who, in order to whip up anti-British sentiment, simply made up atrocity stories (such as one by Samuel Adams about a redcoat raping a woman who then made her way to Boston Common, to die at the foot of the Liberty Tree). While there were abolitionists among these writers, many others spread rumors that the British were going to either free the slaves or, worse, incite slave rebellions. Human beings were part of the valuable "property" that colonists didn't want the British to interfere with. (summarized from Jill Lepore, The Whites of Their Eyes, 57-58)

    1. mumbly_joe

      It's kinda hilariously tragic that, were it not for the Revolution, slavery in the Americas may likely have ended 30 years and 600,000 human lives earlier, but on the other hand, if the Revolution hadn't happened, we'd all be speaking English today.

  63. rexcarsalot

    I couldn't watch, but I wondered if people applauded even though they were supposed to be sad at this somber event?

  64. Jukesgrrl

    She reminds me of a high school history teacher I had who told us "Hernando de Soto discovered Florida when he stopped there to refuel." He couldn't figure out why we were all laughing … and we were a pretty stupid bunch.

  65. goat_boy

    with those strange arm movements and hand gestures she should consider becoming a flight attendant.

  66. HolyMaracas

    I keep hearing these kinds of historical "facts" over and over again. Bachmann, Teatards and 99.9% of conservatives are absolutely convinced that history was written by liberals.

    1. DoktorZoom

      And, of course, some of it was. Especially the kinds of history that are focused more on analysis than hagiography.

  67. mourningnmerica

    I forced myself to watch the whole thing. If anyone had been around me during this time, I think I would have harmed them.
    When people like this are listened to, by ANYONE, well, c'mon. This country is so over. It is over. It was a bunch of fun while it lasted.
    The group that hosted her was the "We think we pay too much in Taxes people, who at the same time were cheering her lamenting the deficit. So, we want a lower deficit, with lower taxes and a bigger military, plus "Government, keep your hands off my Social Security". Retard Nation. Just kill me now.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Look on the bright side–we've always been a nation of hucksters and numbskulls. It's part of our unique national charm.

  68. Naked_Bunny

    The nice thing about the Founding Fathers is they never wrote anything down, so we can only guess what they meant. Just like Jesus!

    1. DoktorZoom

      “Is it not the glory of the people of America, that, whilst they have paid a decent regard to the opinions of former times and other nations, they have not suffered a blind veneration for antiquity, for custom, or for names, to overrule the suggestions of their own good sense, the knowledge of their own situation, and the lessons of their own experience?”

      –Some guy named "James Madison," who appears to believe in that newfangled notion of a "living Constitution," and should therefore be shunned. From "Federalist 14" –the very title suggests a despicable love of Big Government.

  69. blowharder

    Believe it or not, I heard this whole speech on C-Span radio while I was washing the dishes. Yes, I am weird.

    Anyway, she tells this truly bizarre story about how her Norwegian ancestors came to this country. She said they tried to abandon their kid while boarding a ship for the United States because they couldn't afford to all go. So the entire family was going to ditch Tiny Tim and take off without him. The ship captain intervened and let the kid on for free, and now a hundred years later we have a whacko wingnut in Congress who thinks the socialists are taking our precious country and bringing it to its knees.

    Hello? Michele, you're supposed to tell a story that *doesn't* make it sound like you come from a horribly abusive family.

  70. Tundra Grifter

    I had no idea Americans were unique on this earth in wanting a better life for our children than we had.

    Speaking of our children – to quote Groucho Marx "Posterity? What has posterity done for us lately?"

  71. BeWoot

    I got here late but I'm surprised no one else seems to have mentioned her praise of our forebears, "who picked the locks." Or maybe picked the lox?

  72. donner_froh

    “It didn’t matter the color of their skin, it didn’t matter their language, it didn’t matter their economic status… it made no difference. Once you got here, we were all the same. Isn’t that remarkable.”

    What is most remarkable about that set of insanely wrong statements is that a person said them in public without rebuttal from the audience or a lightning bolt sent by Martin Luther King zapping her.

  73. sportshort

    My name is Michele Bachman and I bought these words. I can use them any way I want to. The Foundering Fathers worked tearfully to bless me with that right. We have self correcting fluid in our veins which we will shed to preserve liberty in its cradle til the adults have left the room and we will be very, very quiet about it.

  74. jjdaddyo

    You know what would be eight kinds of awesome? Michele Bachman debates Michelle Obama. About anything. Fuck yeah. Or Michelle O. debates Michele B and Sarah Palin at the same time.

  75. Guppy06

    We've always been at war with Eastasia.

    (I know the Orwell references are old hat, but they make it too damned easy)

  76. Russell King

    She must be writing her own stuff. No staffer would let her make such a fool of herself….. right?

  77. snoopyfan2010

    There IS a reason why they call it whitewashing. Anyway, I hope that when she talks about how everyone was welcomed here as an immigrant, she realizes that they created ethnic quotas to block the "undesirable" groups. One of those groups was the Chinese. Hu's laughing now?

  78. BarackMyWorld

    “But we also know that the very founders who wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States."

    "Watch out! Zombie Thomas Jefferson is coming to emancipate his great-great grandchildren!"

    -Robert E. Lee

  79. Tundra Grifter

    Is anyone else as tired of I am of the lie about Mr. Obama's government "taking over" student loans in America?

    Mrs. Bachman said "Your government new competely runs the student loan 'industry.'"

    First of all, I'm not sure it's supposed to be an "industry." Second, Mr. Obama's Administration ended Federally-funded student loan guarantees. This is projected to save some $68 Billion, which will go to fund larger Pell grants (not loans -grants) and more of them.

    Private industry may continue to make student loans, in conformance with all applicable laws, rules and regulations. They just can't expect a Federal government hand-out for doing so.

    1. SorosBot

      As someone who still owes over $40,000 to Sallie Mae, I ask: in what way could a government takeover of student loans be anything but a good thing?

  80. Tundra Grifter

    If we're a "self-correcting" country why do these right wing gasbags have to keep running around telling us everything that's wrong with it?

    Why don't they just step back and let the system work?

  81. Beanball

    Ahem. See those little black diamonds with the question marks inside? Those are artifacts of a Microsoft product, probably Word, which I would guess you are copy/pasting from.

    MS products are not W3C/Unicode HTML standards compliant. See here.

    Please desist. Thank you.

    1. DoktorZoom

      W3C? Unicode? Sounds a hell of a lot like "One World Government" to me. Since when does some unelected bunch of FOREIGNERS have the right to tell decent Americans how they can code their software, huh?

      FREEDUMB!!!!!!!!!!!

  82. Sassomatic

    Ah! I'd always though those trees were only metaphorically felled. But now I, too, am nostalgic for the days of thoughtless deforestation. And remember how we used to kill all the buffalos from trains, and all the negroe slaves sang happy working songs about how much they liked being slaves? And polio?Ah, for the good old days.

  83. Dimitrios_M

    I agree with Michelle that it is high time that she recognizes the contribution of her fur-bearing relatives.

    Money see, monkey poo, monkey fling poo.

  84. JackObin

    I had no idea Minnesota was so fond of half-wits. I wonder if Little Michelle can offer any insight as to why Washington had no offspring. Some historians speculate he was shooting blanks due to the VD. And I don't want to be the one to explain Deism to her either. The poor lamb.

    1. slowhansolo

      Hey, there was A LOT at stake. If we couldn't secure those resources, a wave of technological and entrepreneurial enterprise by people we don't know and can't control would have coalesced into a national effort to find replacements, leading to a golden rebirth of science, markets, profits and innovations, all benefiting someone else's political and biological heirs.

  85. weejee

    Not trying to be an elitist here, but after finally succumbing to listening to a minute or two, how in the name of Sam Hill did she get a degree? I mean really! I've met 6th graders who had a better understanding of US History.

    Where did she go? Oh, yeah, Orville Redenbacher Oliver Hardy Oral Roberts You Who Hoo. How does that divine comedy diploma mill remain accredited?

  86. PublicLuxury

    She actually believes her own bullshit. Truly dangerous. WTF is wrong with the 'people' of her District?

  87. politics_nerd

    another excellent argument for abortion rights and or anal-only sex. if only her goddamned parents had been on the ball.

  88. lulzmonger

    Gee, the GOP sure are good Communists.

    Class war, purges, massive state sponsorship (brb, Pentagon/Wall Street pork), surveillance of the proles to root out enemies of the state, exporting their radical ideology via agitprop & adventurism, worshipping the Glorious Revolution … & national history selectively sanitized to "prove" the perfection of the Motherland Republic.

    ”We were a self-correcting country.”

    I bet the Natives wish they'd had a lot more White-Out handy.

  89. mayor_quimby

    I've been busy working, but had to chime in. Those assholes at citibank student, and others can go fuck themselves. I'm glad to owe shit now only to the feds, god knows what would have happened to me if I didn't (probably some sort of profitable felony)
    I can't imagine how nice it must be now to borrow for college at only slightly higher than fed window rates, rather than pre-paid credit card rates.

  90. deborahlquinn

    Dumb as rocks, this woman. With all due apologies to rocks. Listening to her dulcet tones makes me want to bang my head against the wall, or maybe hit myself with rocks. How can anyone listen to her and think she's got an ounce of sense? "The early settlers built "gleaming office buildings?" "There are thunderclouds on the horizon and we're heading for an iceberg?" A "self-correcting nation?" "21 generations have been heeding Lincoln's words?"
    I swear it's as if she's actually a robot being manipulated by writers from The Onion or The Daily Show, who want to see how far they can go before being discovered.

  91. WriteyWriterton

    Blast. I wrote my last reply in teh G-mail, and this is the thanks I get? Little black diamonds? Won't happen again!

    1. Beanball

      That's bizarre. Gmail sent me a perfectly fine email forward of that last comment.

      Anyhoo, if you're at the office and stuck with a PC that uses Internet Explorer (all versions are crap), use Notepad instead if you want to compose offline.

      If it isn't already on, turn on *ClearType* (not True Type, eek) under Display Options. That's an Apple-derived font that is Unicode compliant, and is already installed on every Windows product XP and above. (This last may require IT dept. assist/permission.)

  92. slowhansolo

    Psst, Michele! Any remarkable qualities you find about the founders can be directly attributed to their reverence for the scholars who went before them. They disagreed about God, some were atheists and some were religious to the point of delusion, like you, Michele. But they all, to a white man, Michele – because you see they didn't let blacks or women do what you're doing now – agreed on the past. There was no incentive, means, or need, at that time, for politicians to rewrite history to make exploitation palatable to the exploited. But now, it's all we got, and you, Michele, share a good bit of blame. I hope Jefferson bitch slaps you in hell.

  93. Negropolis

    What, y'all don't remember when General George Jefferson went down to the Battle of the Wilderness to fight the Japanese in East Carolina during the Great Portugese-American War of 1903?

    Read it. It's in the Constitution.

  94. HenryMillerish

    •"And if all others accepted the lie which the Party imposed—if all records told the same tale—then the lie passed into history and became truth. 'Who controls the past' ran the Party slogan, 'controls the future: who controls the present controls the past.'"
    - George Orwell, 1984, Book 1, Chapter 3

  95. gluvox

    The Founding Fathers needed the help of slaves because they were busy working tirelessly to end slavery.

  96. dslagboom

    eh, this article has as many problems as her speech. Both the writer and the speaker are idiots. She wins the contest for Most-Irritating with her long-winded, mommying enthusiasm. Leave it to a girl politician to make the sordid history of American a pep talk. Anyone who blathers on with an unlimited amount of positive things to say should stick to foster care and breastfeeding. As for the author of this post- they're an even bigger idiot because they can replay this speech over and over and see that her biggest errors are not with regards to slavery so much as her way of speaking down to the American public as if they were one of her 23 children. I bet you the guy complaining about her speech is probably white because only white people will sit down to write away an hour in order to bemoan slavery. Which brings up more irony. It's always the white people who feel bad for the past misdeeds of slaveowners and native killings, but they're the first ones to go to the mall and buy expensive sweatshop clothes, drink Starbucks coffee, floorboard their home with half of an endangered Forrest, eat hormone-injected cage-raised animals and buy sierra leonne diamonds that were mined by children. I am sick of these guys. Quit apologizing for your dead forefathers and change yourself!

  97. jim89048

    If you'd only watch "Fringe" at it's new time on friday night, you'd know this is not only possible, but nearly commonplace.

  98. HistoriCat

    I'm just amazed that Fox hasn't managed to fuck up Fringe yet. And I'm not just saying that because I'm still bitter about Sliders. I know it's been 15 years but they really screwed that up.

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