Defense Contractors Sad Lieberman Won’t Be Giving Them Money Anymore

  let's give them a few trillion for our condolences

So lovable.Tragedy last week: Death-machine makers are losing one of their “friends with benefits,” insufferable phlegmy Senate goblin Joe Lieberman. Making matters worse, the voters of Connecticut have also gotten rid of Chris Dodd, for being terrible. “With both of the state’s senators departing Congress, companies like United Technologies will have to scramble to shore up their support on Capitol Hill,” said some lady from something called the “Lexington Institute,” which must be the part of the war machine that provides Lieberman with a steady supply of rice cakes to keep him happy — rice cakes wrapped inside memos telling him how to give the war people money to provide the world with murder. No! Not companies like United Technologies! Murder corporations are the most important citizens of all!

Lieberman cemented his favorable reputation with defense firms when he advocated for more models of combat systems like the Lockheed Martin-made F-22 fighter and the Boeing-built C-17 air lifter even when Air Force and Pentagon officials argued against them.

This, kids, is what patriotism looks like: putting the needs of a corporation you like and your own paraphilia for spite above the interests of your country.

Standing up to the monstrous death engineers is cowardice. Being a douchebag fused to the Senate with an adhesive of literal mucus, the bile of self-important, and the endless cash of the defense contractors is the dictionary definition of bravery. [The Hill via "chascates"]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

70 comments

    1. OneDollarJuana

      We're still OK in sunny Washington where Congressman Norm Dicks continues to shovel money into the Pentagon at an alarming rate.

      1. mereoblivion

        One day, several generations from now, we'll have no dicks in Congress. (Hey, a guy's allowed to dream, ain't he?)

          1. DustBowlBlues

            PHC joke show thief! {pointing left index finger your way while rubbing right index finger across the top of it multiple times in quick succession. Could there not be an emoticon or text-talk representation of that?}

            Thumbs up, btw.

      2. DustBowlBlues

        Baby Huey? The Boeing company bounces him on their knee and murmurs, "He such a good boy. Yes him is. Yes him is, interspersing the baby talk with big, fat and now secret checks every time he runs.

  1. Come here a minute

    The most difficult part of this will be for Senator Lieberman's successor and Senator Blumenthal to divide up which one gets the bank lobbyists and which one gets the defense lobbyists. It would be swell if they could just share!

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        Still too expensive. They'll send the jobs to Guangdong, because the Chinese would never steal our technology for their own weapons.

  2. PsycWench

    So…Joe resigned in order to fight in the wars in which these combat systems are utilizied. Right? Right?

    1. Terry

      …more likely to finally have these firms pay him back for all the work he did for them, you know, his constituents.

    1. HuddledMass

      Maybe it was some clumsy oaf with an iPhone who was trying to give you a thumbs up, only their obese thumbs caused them to press the wrong icon, and they're really, really sorry. Not that I would know anything about that.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm sure his replacement will carry on in the time-honored tradition. It's like pulling your hand out of a bucket of water, no visible difference.

  4. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Hadassah:

    Please do us all a favor and smother your husband in his sleep. Failing that, a nice nip of H2SO4 in his nightly gin-and-tonic would also do nicely.

    Much love,
    EQ

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Hey! Enuff with the uncivil talk. This is the new era of civility, dontcha know? You know, where the Professional Left is contrite, and the Professional Right continue to promote dictatorship and assassination.

      1. Sophist [APPLAUSE]

        Well of course not. After a long day of fucking over the entire country, I'm sure Joe doesn't have the time or the energy Nrg for her when he gets home.

    1. twaingirl

      Yes! I wish I could upfist you more than once for this. He and Eric Cantor make us look bad and we work so hard to look so good.

    2. problemwithcaring

      We don't need Facebook. Black people just report outliers directly to Jet magazine and/or Oprah.

  5. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Being a douchebag fused to the Senate with an adhesive of literal mucus, the bile of self-important, and the endless cash of the defense contractors is the dictionary definition of bravery.

    Nicely done, Jack. That's a fine epitaph for Holy Joe's legislative career.

    I'm sure Mr. Liarman is now going to make a killing as a lobbyist/shill for some fine corporation in the defense or financial sector.
    ~

  6. SorosBot

    Don't worry, Masters of War, I'm sure some other Senators will gladly take your bribes to make we keep wasting money on useless projects like the F-22.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Only the senators and congressman who want the pro-Israel rich folks money. (Being a civil libertarian, note how I avoided a reference to Jews. )

  7. ManchuCandidate

    Hey, not all engineers are death engineers. Many of us design/build the stuff that gets blown up by the death engineers.

    Looks like Joe Lie is going to go into the lucrative but soul draining (if Joe Lie had a soul that is) world of Defense Lobbying. Forcing US America and their allies to buy gold plated crap made by death engineers designed for wars not conceived or invented.

    1. SorosBot

      Exactly; it's bad enough that we're wasting so much money unnecessary military equipment and personnel, but having such a giant military creates the temptation to use it, at least among certain politicians; so instead of just having a military designed to defend the US, before you know it we're invading countries on a whim and stuck in two unwinnable quagmires at the same time.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        {fighting to get the cellephane wrapped airtight aroudn my Valentine Day colors of candles for the candelabra in the dining room. Fuck static electricity} What kind of respectable country would do such a thing? You, sir or Madame, cannot lay claim to being a troop-supporting American. Not with an attitude like that. (Or at least that's what the local people say about me. When not wondering why I have bits of cellophane stuck to my fingers).

  8. Sassomatic

    Is there a down-thumbing troll again or does someone really disapprove of my sad over less murdering?

    Anyway, a round of up-thumbs for the entire commenteriate just in case.

  9. Oblios_Cap

    This, kids, is what patriotism looks like: putting the needs of a corporation you like and your own paraphilia for spite above the interests of your country.

    If Israel wants those weapons systems, is he really putting the interests' of the corporations above those of his favorite country?

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I repeat, it's too tortured to go through the full explanation, but part of lick-his-comb Wolfwitz and JoeL reasons for making a hash of the Middle East was to show that the Jews could kick ass, thereby countering the view of some that the Jews were docile victims during the Holocaust.

      Both theories are absolute bull shit. 10 (borrowed) billions, conservatively, of monthly bullshit.

  10. Not_So_Much

    I don't know what kind of 'Murka we live in when giant defense industrial complex companies are forced to create products and services that are actually needed. Give them back their freedumb!

  11. Ruhe

    Joe saw "Independence Day" and "War of the Worlds". If you listen to the Pentagon we won't have enough weapons on hand to defend ourselves when the fleet from Nibiru arrives.

    1. SorosBot

      But they also show that we'll find a convenient deus ex machina that somehow allows us to defeat the aliens equipped with technologies far beyond what we are capable of, as long as you completely ignore either biology or engineering & computer programming.

      Really, if advanced aliens for some reason wanted to conquer us, they would; to fight them we'd have to take lessons from small, technologically and numerically inferior groups that nevertheless managed to defeat the world's greatest powers, like the Vietcong or Iraqi insurgents.

  12. HolyMaracas

    In Corporate America, there is no such things as "irreplaceable." I'm pretty sure Mercenaries Inc. won't have any issues finding an adequate substitute for Joe.

    1. Sue4466

      With him and Dodd gone, that leaves what? only 98 other senators looking out for the interests of defense contractors.

  13. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    People, people, people… Joe still has another full year to do plenty of patriotic give-aways to help the struggling economy… of Israel.

  14. baconzgood

    At least the other 99 Senators will pick up the slack for the military industrial complex until the new guy learnes how to properly take bribes.

  15. prommie

    When history makes its judgment, John McCain's greatest sin will be in elevating the psychobilly snow-grifter to her current place as Hero of the Stupid and Inciter of the Insane.

    Likewise with Al Gore, history will judge his elevation of this pompously-pious self-righteously self-serving warmongering dickbag as his greatest sin, and greatest mistake. Oh sure, Al had some plan to steal Florida from the Bushes after the Bush family had bought and paid for it, a bold move, and a jew would help with that, and he wanted to wash away the taint of Clinton's cumstains, so the Pious Mumbler had some appeal there. But in the end, Gore coulda won Tennessee, but it only takes a few percent of jew-haters to swing things, and teh South has no shortage of haters who hate anything and everything but white male anglo saxon christians, and if Gore had won Tennessee, the Forida recount wouldn't have mattered. Stupid dick.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      If the movies are to be believed, it was also Joe who went on Meet the Press and when asked about discarding the absentee votes that were not timely, said that he could never see the Democratic party ignoring the wishes of our brave {but slothful} voters who were in the military.

      To go on with the "Recount version, " whats's-his-face the Kevin Spacey character said that Liebermann had just cost them the election. On NPR when the movie was showing on HBO, the same guy (but not Kaiser Soze) was asked why Lieberman and all he could say was, basically, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

    2. LetUsBray

      Plus Gore's choice of such a crypto-neocon toad sent a lot of people to vote for Nader.

      I love me some Al, but I agree that Liebershit was his worst and greatest folly.

  16. V572625694

    Lieberman's master stroke was persuading Chimpy to create DHS, thereby allowing oversight committee chairman Joe to distribute pork in 435 congressional districts, or at least all those with airports. Every TSA doofus you see standing around the airport is a slice of pork carved out by Joe, for which your local congresscritter owed him a favor.

    TPM says Joe betrayed his party because was so pissed at his fellow Dems for not supporting him in his glorious 2004 run for the presidency. Guess Joe thought the US was like Israel, where the same tired hacks just trade the PM job back and forth according to a seniority list.

  17. ttommyunger

    Well, this should take a load off of Joe, going from three full time jobs (U.S. Defense Industry Lobbyist, Senator, Israeli Defense Minister) down to one: Private Shill for whoever pays.

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    This is especially a shame because the GOP has all the power now, and no one on that side of the aisle is at all interested in keeping big defense contractors happy.

  19. problemwithcaring

    I just pray that, in this economy, there are still foreign governments able and willing to pay his going rate to advocate for global war on their behalf. You know, war lobbying is really a young man's game.

Comments are closed.