CORPORATE WHORES IN THE NEWS  11:51 pm January 22, 2011

Obama State of the Union Will Remind You How He’s ‘Centrist’ Again

by Ken Layne

A shout out to the Devil.The State of the Union address is coming so soon, you guys! It will probably be like every other State of the Union since forever, in that it will be boring political bullshit and not even the people paid to care will be able to remember a single word of it two days later. (Haha there will probably be a new Sarah Palin scandal by then, or perhaps Mitt Romney will “join the crowd” by viciously masturbating on the Jimmy Kimmel Show or ???) But the important thing is that Barack Obama will reportedly use his 2011 SoTU speech to remind Democrats and liberals and other such people who worked super hard to elect him that he’s actually a very Reagan-y character! Not as Reagan-y as Ronald Reagan, because Ronald Reagan was a really mean, stupid fraud and Barack Obama is actually semi-intelligent underneath all that catering to the non-existent center, but still very “centrist.”

Either the Los Angeles Times or the New York Times reports tonight:

President Obama plans to use his State of the Union speech Tuesday to articulate a centrist vision that will shape the remaining two years of his term and provide a template for his reelection campaign.

Obama has been moving steadily to the political center since his midterm election drubbing two months ago, agreeing to extend tax cuts for the richest Americans, calling for business-friendly regulations and attempting to repair his relationship with the business community.

Oh yeah please help the poor business community on Wall Street, and also fuck you, Obama.

President Obama will outline an agenda for “winning the future” in his State of the Union address on Tuesday night, striking a theme of national unity and renewal as he stresses the need for government spending in key areas and an attack on the budget deficit.

Mr. Obama previewed the themes in a video e-mailed Saturday evening to supporters who had helped in his election campaign. But the video made plain that his speech would be geared more broadly toward the political center, to independent voters and business owners and executives alienated by the expansion of government and the partisan legislative fights of the past two years.

Oh gosh we wonder what part “alienated” them the most. Was it the billion dollar bailouts? The appointment of their caretakers to the highest positions in federal government and finance? The insane expansion of the Afghanistan Occupation and the “spending as much as ever” Iraq Occupation? Who didn’t get their little scrotums sucked gently enough by Obama?

Ugh. [NYT/LAT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 340 comments }

simplyblue7 January 22, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Ugh, there's that C word I hate hearing.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 23, 2011 at 12:02 am

Well, at least he doesn't paint himself up like a trollop, you centrist.

Negropolis January 23, 2011 at 12:55 am

Quiet, you sanctimonious purist!

Radiotherapy January 23, 2011 at 1:07 am

Cave?

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2011 at 12:33 am

Democrats have been known to cave, man.

Terry January 23, 2011 at 7:36 am

On Bill Mahr's show this week, he described "centrist" as giving the Republicans exactly what they want.

Terry January 23, 2011 at 10:43 am

I believe that Mahr suggested it would take bleach.

PublicLuxury January 23, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Go fuck yourself with a spoon, you ignorant piece of shit.

DashboardBuddha January 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm

And for us to get what we want, we've have to go back in time and give your mom a condom…or shoot your father.

weejee January 23, 2011 at 10:42 am

Perhaps Crims, the central area of Underland.

comrad_darkness January 23, 2011 at 1:43 pm

sCrotum?

CalamityJames January 23, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Justin Bieber?

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 23, 2011 at 12:00 am

If Rep. Bachman tries to suck face with the President on his way out of the Senate chamber, then I'm going to really be worried.

Crank_Tango January 23, 2011 at 12:36 am

oh i think we all know what she wants a crack at sucking, and face it aint.

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2011 at 12:37 am

Don't worry, however. I hear both Bo and Barry have been brought up to date on their shots this week.

dogscantlookup January 23, 2011 at 1:11 am

Ya can't stop baby farms
T

Terry January 23, 2011 at 7:37 am

Oh, she'll be busy practicing her Tea Bagger rebuttal to the State of the Union. Michelle's one redeeming feature is that is a pain in the GOP establishment's arse.

voodooeconomics January 23, 2011 at 8:08 am

After kissing the Devil himself,GWB, on the mouth, there just isn't any way to top that.
GWB missed an opportunity to tap The Witch of Minnesota.

HistoriCat January 23, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Ew. Just – ew.

jim89048 January 23, 2011 at 12:02 am

Has Boner sent his regrets yet?

Barbara_i January 23, 2011 at 12:10 am

Yes, and every time Boner sends them he also sends a basket of vodka infused, shrived up oranges just so that you know who sent them without reading the card.

LionelHutzEsq January 23, 2011 at 12:51 am

All I know is that if Obama doesn't leave Boehner in tears, it is not a great speech.

Barbara_i January 23, 2011 at 1:10 am

Boehner is constantly in tears because his GOP fuck buddies have pungent onions in place of where they should have real balls. Just ask Antonin "scallions" Scalia.

Barbara_i January 23, 2011 at 12:03 am

I see he is flashing a Muslim gang symbol with his fingers, figures.
I love that Michelle Bachmann is going to give a rebuttal speech, pre-recorded. How can you pre-record a speech, saying what you are against in a speech that you haven't yet heard? Maybe I misheard it. It's not a "rebuttal speech" maybe it is a "butthole" speech Bachmann is giving.

AddHomonym January 23, 2011 at 3:21 am

Every current Republican speech might as well have been pre-recorded in about 1978. Small government…small taxes…small business… You can write it yourself.

comrad_darkness January 23, 2011 at 2:01 pm

They didn't have those crazy eyes in '78, you must admit.

At least not on anyone who hadn't taken the brown acid.

Terry January 23, 2011 at 7:38 am

You can pre-record because Tea Baggers aren't troubled by pesky things called "facts".

twaingirl January 23, 2011 at 9:53 am

Reality has a known liberal bias so why participate?

Gleem_McShineys January 24, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Isn't 'butthole speech' a tad redundant, in her case? Kind of like saying "ATM Machine" or "Republican Curdled Douche Leavins"

Rarian Rakista January 23, 2011 at 12:05 am

3 AM on Sunday, I'm impressed.

You up for the early bird special Ken?

straighteight January 23, 2011 at 12:10 am

You know, it's actually just after 9 PM on the west coast…

Rarian Rakista January 23, 2011 at 12:16 am

Oh, wow, I keep forgetting to setup the clock on this android tablet. Sorry.

Crank_Tango January 23, 2011 at 12:35 am

too soon.

Barbara_i January 23, 2011 at 12:13 am

Shhhh, we are hoping that Ken is drunk enough to take us all to IHOP for the "Ken Special", eggs over-easy and wry toast.

SheriffRoscoe January 23, 2011 at 1:02 am

Ken's not taking us anywhere. We'll be lucky if he nukes us up some instant gloatmeal.

Barbara_i January 23, 2011 at 1:18 am

Or some GOP "New Flakes and Added Nuts" With added vitamin K-K-K

CrankyLttlCamperette January 23, 2011 at 3:37 am

Wait, I thought that was the left wing "Flakes-n-Fruits."

straighteight January 23, 2011 at 12:07 am

Remember when Bush moved to the center after the 2006 elections? Me neither. The best thing we got out of that from the executive branch was the removal of the most incompetent Defense Secretary ever, which should have occured 2 years earlier.

Rarian Rakista January 23, 2011 at 12:20 am

The only thing Bush did better than Obama in office was Aids programs, well in Africa he did at least.

CalamityJames January 23, 2011 at 12:34 am

Was the program designed to give them all AIDS? If not, then I have some things to discuss with you about what we call successful.

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2011 at 12:35 am

Dubya did the traditional Republican thing of tying AIDS drug money to abstinence promotion. And he added to the general misery by giving money to faith-based programs that have brought us such achievements as the evangelical-promoted kill-the-gays bill in Uganda. Don't be fooled for a minute by his $15 billion in spending — it was a horrible fuckup in terms of helping the sick and a great giveaway to churches and pharmaceutical companies (who wouldn't've gotten a dime from the poor African sick people, so it was all gravy). Dude couldn't even write his own autobiography without committing plagiarism — think he wouldn't've fucked up AIDS drugs?

CalamityJames January 23, 2011 at 12:39 am

Well, I was gonna say that, but…you know…wookies.

Naked_Bunny January 23, 2011 at 9:06 am

Let the wookiee win.

Negropolis January 23, 2011 at 12:56 am

Really, what is it with you?

BeWoot January 23, 2011 at 12:09 am

Centrist. That's Kenyan Bolshevik for DINO, right?

Crank_Tango January 23, 2011 at 12:40 am

and Dino was like a blue dog, only a purple dinosaur or something. Which makes more sense than blue dog, when ya think about it.

bflrtsplk January 23, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Dino always looked green on my screen. How do you adjust the color on these newfangled TV things?

ifthethunderdontgetya January 23, 2011 at 9:09 am

It's Muslin usurper for "going to cut Social Security". So Broder, Milbank, and Brooks can all be happy when the olds have to eat catfood.
~

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 12:10 am

Today we are all CEOs.

Madam Killjoy January 23, 2011 at 1:03 am

I wish. One day typical CEO salary = way out of debt for this here civil servant.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:31 am

Right there with you, MK. I've calculated that in the high-end/best-case, I've enough in the piggy-bank for generic hobo beans for ~ five years. Then I'll have to evict the cats and eat what they leave behind – Gritty Litter and hairballs.

OneDollarJuana January 23, 2011 at 11:25 am

Evict the cats? That's why we keep 'em. They bring in little meaty rodent morsels and when they're too old to hunt, they taste good in hobo beans.

Negropolis January 24, 2011 at 1:42 am

I was thinking the same thing. I'm going to hell, for sure.

Madam Killjoy January 23, 2011 at 6:14 pm

I'm 39, hubby is 54 and if either one of us were to lose our jerbs, we'd probably be moving in w/ my folks within a year or two – neither one of us got "real" jobs until our 30s and thus have very little savings. (He's a musician and I used to publish a small town weekly.) And we don't even have any cats to eat! We do have a parrot, but he only has enough meat on him for one sandwich, maybe. Not sure it'd be worth all the plucking.

Radiotherapy January 23, 2011 at 1:11 am

I hear this shit all the time. Right after the metric lecture. You are the CEO of Radio, inc.
It's corporate speak for: you're fucked.

Rotundo_ January 23, 2011 at 11:38 am

It's like the "freedom" lecture, yes indeedy, you are free to choose between eating and living indoors, living in pain and dying early or living indoors, and so many other "free" choices we get to make each and every day. Now *real* CEO's have more weightier decisions to make, such as taking the corporate jet to annouce the plant closings in person, or firing off a terse e-mail. They have the burden of deciding vinaigrette or french on their salads. They have yachts, they have to decide when to use them, and when to rent them out to coked up hollywood sluts to be photographed diving off the swantail decks into the warm mediterranean waters by paparazzi on jetskis. The mind swims with the burdens they face. And with us little folks it's just a matter of Friskies Salmon Delight or Seafood Medley for the entree. I pity them.

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 7:59 pm

They have to rent their yachts to others? How can they stand the humiliation? Can't we privatize social security and short the resulting bonds to zero value to help them?
Oh, and don't you think that canned cat food is a little extravagant for a person of your station?

Fare la Volpe January 23, 2011 at 12:19 am

Because if there's one thing Congress isn't, it's business-friendly.

Barbara_i January 23, 2011 at 12:21 am

I hear that Barry will be going to the Super Bowl if Chicago makes it to the big dance. I wonder if he will pepper his State of the Union speech with "Da Bears!"

straighteight January 23, 2011 at 12:41 am

Maybe one of the more liberal Chicagoland Democrats will throw a can of Old Style at his head when he starts talking about cutting regulations.

RedNM January 23, 2011 at 10:04 am

I'm going to the Super Bowl too – if the Bills make it.

Barbara_i January 23, 2011 at 10:57 am

Are you from Buffalo?

RedNM January 23, 2011 at 11:23 am

Is the Pope Polish? Hand me that can of Genny Cream!

Barbara_i January 23, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I was born there and lived there until my 10th birthday. Grew up in the dirty dirty south. All of my mom's family is still in Buffalo. Now I live in Albuquerque.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 23, 2011 at 11:31 am

Ditka is going to get Alito's seat up front.

horsedreamer_1 January 23, 2011 at 12:40 am

"The era of big ideas is over".

XOhioan January 23, 2011 at 12:40 am

"We must go forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling toward freedom!"

"Abortions for some. Miniature American flags for others!"

Negropolis January 23, 2011 at 12:58 am

Don't blame me; I voted for Kodos.

not that Dewey January 23, 2011 at 3:01 pm

The politics of failure has failed. It's time to make it work again.

Nopantsmcgee January 23, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Vote Quimby!

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 1:08 am

He'd vote for you!

CHOWDAH!!!

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2011 at 12:41 am

I certainly hope President Obama takes a few swipes at the poor like a good centrist would. Those bastards have been dragging this economy down ever since they forced Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to sell them $400,000 houses with only a power bill as security. The centrists have been crying out for a Braveheart to rescue us from the depredations of Big Poor for decades now, and he's just the man to speak to that silent majority. And I think Sarah Palin would agree with me that Martin Luther King would be proud of President Obama if he did this.

Radiotherapy January 23, 2011 at 1:18 am

Wookie, I love you man; I'm well into a fifth of whiskey. You are the Heart and Soul of this site.

EdFlintstone January 23, 2011 at 4:14 am

"Big Poor", that was genius.

Banelm January 23, 2011 at 9:39 am

Enough with the strongarming from the Big Poor lobby!! Enough with the tax breaks! It's the largest special interest group in the country, and they get away with paying no taxes. Make the lowest 80% pay their fair share, 80% of the total tax burden! Who's with me here!

V572625694 January 23, 2011 at 9:56 am

The Wall Street Journal, who coined the term "lucky duckies" for those who pay no income tax because they don't have enough income. Bastards!

bureaucrap January 24, 2011 at 10:10 am

Unfortunately, that is already conventional wisdom on the right. My conservative father in law has been jawboning me incessantly about the 40% who "pay no taxes". Ugggh.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:32 am

Another Wookist win. The rest of us should look for other snark-work.

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 3:03 pm

And the Oscar for the best right wing trope goes to:

lulzmonger January 23, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Kudos for having the courage to speak out, even though you risk the wrath of the Shopping-Cart Jockey PAC. Surely now more than ever America needs a Poverty Tax to reduce the deficit. This is plainly the only fair & balanced course of action, given Pelosi's recent obscene capitulation to Big Sick &/Or Dying.

If he fails to refer to a "final solution" to the "useless eaters" problem in his SOTU speech, then you know the riff-raff have already won!

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 1:01 am

After all, there are a hell of a lot more of us Poors than there are Riches. Seems only fair that we do our fair share to pull their gilded coach.

mrblifil January 23, 2011 at 12:41 am

Well surely you don't accept the business community to just sit around and accept having to deal with some ni#%@r, do you?

dogscantlookup January 23, 2011 at 12:44 am

One of us! One of us! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble!
One of us! One of us! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble!
One of us! One of us! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble!
One of us! One of us! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble!
One of us! One of us! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble!
One of us! One of us! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble!

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 5:25 am

Man, that is turkeys in a nutshell.

revmod January 23, 2011 at 12:45 am

A jobless recovery, but without the recovery…

A housing price collapse that has eaten the wealth and retirement plans of much of the middle class…

Massive structural unemployment…

Huge debt, payable directly to the Chinese…

Wars that can't be won, because no one can describe winning conditions that have any possibility in reality (or because the winning conditions are indistinguishable from "just leaving whenever")…

I've got five worthless US American dollars that says we hear at least once that "The state of the union is strong!" Cue applause.

donner_froh January 23, 2011 at 2:19 am

The state of the union is strong, circa 2011 = civil war hasn't been declared yet.

OneDollarJuana January 23, 2011 at 11:30 am

I'm still undecided whether it's going to be civil war, armed insurrection, wholesale attacks on the oligarchs, or military coup. Whatever, can't be good for my kid in the short run.

DoktorZoom January 23, 2011 at 11:37 am

It will be PATRIOTS seeking second amendment remedies against socialist tyranny–at least until anyone actually shoots up a political event or a federal office, in which case all references to refreshing the tree of liberty with the blood of tyrants become retroactively metaphorical.

Also, this: http://www.salon.com/entertainment/comics/this_mo

Angry_Marmot January 23, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Long time Tom Tomorrow fan. Also, this as part of the zeitgeist.

GunTotingProgressive January 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

It's times like these when I'm thankful that I don't have kids. Sorry, no snark here. My friends with kids seem to be kidding themselves when they think that they have a bright future.

Pithaughn January 23, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Get into guillotine futures while they are still selling short, or long , which ever is better.

jim89048 January 23, 2011 at 2:26 am

Well, you need to know the rules of the drinking game before it starts.

V572625694 January 23, 2011 at 9:57 am

I've never let that stop me. And stop treating drinking like a game. It's the most important thing we do.

hooray4anything January 23, 2011 at 2:26 am

I'd die a somewhat happy man if I were to ever hear a President get up there and say something like "the State of the Union is…meh" or even "let's face it, the State of the Union kinda sucks right now. I mean, Jesus, people, millions of you watch 'Keeping about the Khardashian's." Rome lost their Empire with more dignity than we are."

twaingirl January 23, 2011 at 9:57 am

Up-fisted for sheer brilliance.

DashboardBuddha January 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

"Rome lost their Empire with more dignity than we are." Brilliant my friend, well done.

Negropolis January 24, 2011 at 1:40 am

And, they got did in by ruthlessly efficient proto-Germans, even. "Death by teabagging" just doesn't sound as glorious a defeat.

Blood Liberal January 23, 2011 at 10:33 am

Clearly we can fix everything with higher taxes, more entitlement programs, and more regulations.

ChuckieJesus January 23, 2011 at 10:51 am

Or, by staying the course, sucking ever more corporate dong, and not insisting that the rich motherfuckers who wanted it actually pay for their wars.

OneDollarJuana January 23, 2011 at 11:34 am

I understand that you are trying to be cleverly sarcastic. However, in the words of Ed McMahon, "You are correct, sir! "

The only reason the United States remains a tolerable place to live is exactly because of taxes, entitlement programs, and regulations. Or would you like to live in the Sudan?

Lascauxcaveman January 24, 2011 at 12:57 am

Naw, send him to Somalia. A true Libertarian paradise.

What? Don't like to be around so many browns? That's OK, just bring extra ammo.

DashboardBuddha January 23, 2011 at 3:19 pm

You know…you kinda look like a big toe with a face.

glamourdammerung January 23, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Clearly we can fix everything with higher taxes, more entitlement programs, and more regulations.

Strawman says what?

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Only bendover strawmen around here.

lulzmonger January 23, 2011 at 10:51 pm

NO WAY! Just look at how AWESOME decades of deregulation, tax cuts & slashing programs have already made America!

"USA! USA! USA! We're #27! We're #27! We're #27!"

STAY THE COURSE.

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 12:58 am

But just to be on the safe side, make sure the lifeboats are well-caulked…what's that? We sold the lifeboats to Halliburton and leased them back…?

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 23, 2011 at 11:31 am

… drink!

Negropolis January 23, 2011 at 12:49 am

Remind us? He's never given us any time to forget.

The only consolation is, this year, Michele Bachmann will give a crazy-ass re-rebuttal to Obama and the Republican doing the rebuttal, because, the Republicans are crazy enough for the tea party.

tax cuts for the richest Americans, calling for business-friendly regulations…

BTW, I love this. This is going back to the "center" when American were against tha tax cuts for the richest, and for some semblence of regulation for the financial industry. Centrist my ass.

Radiotherapy January 23, 2011 at 1:45 am

Goddamn it Negropolis, the whole shithouse has moved to the Right. Fucking tax cuts for the "job creators", the Military-Industrial-Constitutionally-Protected-Socialism-Complex stands sacrosanct, a HCR bill that only entrenches the Insurance Co's, Wall Street untouched — seriously, our first black Repub President.
Thanks, Ken, for pointing this travesty out.
And all the while, the Föx machine will call Obama a left wing, Alinsky radical with an agenda to destroy this country.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:34 am

I'd be demoralized by the prospect you describe if I had any morale left to extinguish. Edward Gibbon, your table is ready.

LionelHutzEsq January 23, 2011 at 12:53 am

All I want to know is how the State of the Union sounds when I read it over Twitter.

CrankyLttlCamperette January 23, 2011 at 3:44 am

The St of r Union is Strng?

Rotundo_ January 23, 2011 at 11:49 am

If yr poor, yr fked, If poor+old,fked2X.

Madam Killjoy January 23, 2011 at 6:42 pm

r u rich? no? u r screwed.

OkieDokieDog January 23, 2011 at 12:56 am

Hey, wouldn't it be fun if the new Teabaggers all sat together and did some kind of crazy football fan thing – you know writing letters on their chests. Something like YOUR STILL LYING or maybe WEARES THE BIRF CERRTIFICAT? How many of those lil Teabaggie weasels are there anyway? Don't know. One is too many.

Anyway, I'll be watching. Oh the drama!

dogscantlookup January 23, 2011 at 12:58 am

Saxon Jebus hates the center, or as Saxon Jebus sez "BLOOD BLOOD BURN BURN STAB STAB BURN"11!!1!!

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 1:06 am

My suggestion for a 2012 slogan:
Just shut up, hold your nose and vote.

Negropolis January 23, 2011 at 1:12 am

My favorite one is always: Where else ya' gonna' go?!

BTW, don't know why folks keep downing you on this one. That is run-of-the-mill Wonkette snark, right there. Fuck 'em.

Radiotherapy January 23, 2011 at 1:48 am

That's all we need is a Breitfart asswipe downfisting us.

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 5:10 am

They've been hitting you pretty hard recently. And they are traveling in twos, like this is a bad neighborhood or something.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:36 am

They cross over to the other side of the street, too. Cowards.

bflrtsplk January 23, 2011 at 5:32 pm

That was the slogan the last time.

bumfug January 23, 2011 at 1:10 am

Somebody needs to leak a rumor to the Bachmann people that Obama's gonna come out in favor of raping babies. Then when she calls him out for it in her prerecorded rebuttal, she'll look crazy. Oh, never mind – she'll look crazy all on her own.

dogscantlookup January 23, 2011 at 1:18 am

‘Centrist’< brown paper bag test
also.

CrankyLttlCamperette January 23, 2011 at 3:47 am

What, if we rub a teabagger against brown paper and he leaves a fatty residue…well, that goes without saying.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Thought it'd be an oil-stain from the Hoveround.

OneDollarJuana January 23, 2011 at 11:37 am

I think it's where Obama throws us a burning brown paper bag full of dog shit labeled "centrist" to see if we stomp on it.

gullywompr January 23, 2011 at 1:29 am

In the new spirit of civility, party leaders have told you-know-who that they really don't want any more of the kind of outbursts that lead to embarrassing news stories – but Olbermann wouldn't make any promises.

In a completely unrelated story: Joe Wilson still has his job.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:37 am

And his gubmint health-care. Apparently, the Hypocrisy Hall Monitors have been dismissed for the rest of this benighted epoch.

Sophist [APPLAUSE] January 23, 2011 at 1:31 am

Obama has been moving steadily to the political center since his midterm election drubbing two months ago, agreeing to extend tax cuts for the richest Americans, calling for business-friendly regulations and attempting to repair his relationship with the business community.

Barry, baby, the Masters of the Universe are never going to let you sit at their table during lunch, no matter what you do. It doesn't matter if you give them everything they ask for, they'll just complain about you not giving them the things they didn't ask for yet. There is literally nothing you could do that would make them like you. So stop trying already, it's getting embarrassing.

straighteight January 23, 2011 at 2:09 am

But Robert Rubin sat him down and told him they would. That guy has never steered anyone in the wrong direction.

obfuscator2 January 23, 2011 at 3:02 am

but he's so CENTRIST AND BIPARTISAN. COME ON.

Sophist [APPLAUSE] January 23, 2011 at 5:21 am

You know who else was centrist and bipartisan? Belgium. Remind me, how did that turn out again?

horsedreamer_1 January 23, 2011 at 8:50 am

David Broder resents your implication. He doesn't even eat frites. & he hates Jean-Claude van Damme films.

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm

I wonder if they are going to return the dinner invitation. They all came to the big bash for the Chinese dictator.

lulzmonger January 23, 2011 at 11:05 pm

"How DARE you give us this Get Out Of Jail Free Card & these record profits! This is FASCIZM!!!111!!!1!"

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2011 at 1:33 am

You know who else gave a speech "striking a theme of national unity and renewal"?

gullywompr January 23, 2011 at 1:50 am

Sure do – W standing on the rubble of the World Trade Center with a bullhorn and his arm around a fireman. Right after that, flags flew from every window, a certain religious group was persecuted, and several countries played host to our armed forces.

HistoriCat January 23, 2011 at 3:11 pm

And then Karl Rove said "oh shit – if everyone is on the same team none of my patented divisive techniques will work." So Rove and Cheney got the hate machine geared up and the rest is history.

Radiotherapy January 23, 2011 at 1:51 am

You know who else hated the liberals and centrists?

Negropolis January 23, 2011 at 1:55 am

Jared Lee Loughner? Too soon?

DoktorZoom January 23, 2011 at 6:07 pm

It occurs to me that "Lee" must be the second-most popular middle name among psychotic killers, following, of course, "Wayne."

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2011 at 2:38 am

jeesh, you guys are easily baited, paging Neilist, … Neilist to the blog please.

CrankyLttlCamperette January 23, 2011 at 3:50 am

Channeling Brandon De Wilde:

Neilist! Come back, Neilist!

Silversmith January 23, 2011 at 4:22 am

I'm going to assume you know how that movie ends, right?

jim89048 January 23, 2011 at 2:53 am

Ask not…

straighteight January 23, 2011 at 2:13 am

Barry, Biden, and Boehner doing a cover of "Shout at the Devil" in full Crue regalia would be the best possible outcome for this SOTU address.

imissopus January 23, 2011 at 3:12 am

I was thinking GWAR tribute band, complete with spraying semen all over the first few rows of seats.

horsedreamer_1 January 23, 2011 at 8:51 am

From a future edition of the ONION: "Biden pronounces regret as photos from Nazareth tribute-band surface"

donner_froh January 23, 2011 at 2:16 am

Lloyd Blankfein of Goldman Sachs is pleased…but not that pleased. He would like things a bit more centrist. For example no tax in income over one million dollars per year.

V572625694 January 23, 2011 at 10:02 am

Social Security already works that way. No reason the income tax shouldn't have an upper limit. It's not like the job-creating Riches get more than their share of benefits from government. For instance, they typically have fewer children to send to fight in Afghanistan than the Poors.

Well, that and they don't go, because, c'mon: there's a tennis game at the club at three!

hooray4anything January 23, 2011 at 2:36 am

Meh…."President About to Begin Re-election Campaign Tries to Move to Center, Sun Comes Up."

voodooeconomics January 23, 2011 at 8:17 am

Three is also the phenomenon of Republicans pandering to Hispanics, now that the mid term elections are over. As usual you scare the right and they vote for the mid terms and Hispanics do not, but once that is over they would need them for the Presidential elections. It seems to work just fine every time.

horsedreamer_1 January 23, 2011 at 8:54 am

I think La Raza needs to look into its heart, when considering the GOP slate for 2012, & remember these words:

I'll kick your ass yo mismo
Por supporting el racismo

Conveniently, from the Molotov ditty "Voto Latino" (transliterated, possibly, as "Latin Promise" or "Latin Vote" (promise, since voto can me vow)).

comrad_darkness January 23, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Who's going to break it to Barry that those fickle-as-hell independents don't actually have the balls and shit-giving-mentality to work on campaigns?

hooray4anything January 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm

No, but if you want to win a state that's not right next to an Ocean, you have to "move to the Center." It's in all the rule books.

Extemporanus January 23, 2011 at 2:40 am

"But the important thing is that Barack Obama will reportedly use his 2011 SoTU speech…"

"STFU" is misspelled, Ken.

wok3 January 23, 2011 at 2:42 am

We can only hope that he mentions more tax cuts for the wealthy, because they are just having a horrid time finding ways to squeeze blood out of the turnip that is the middle class right now.

obfuscator2 January 23, 2011 at 3:08 am

requesting a show of hands/thumbs:

backtrack to gore v. bush or 9-11 or bush/kerry:

raise your hand if you thought that you'd be shitty drunk on a saturday night in 2011 fuming on our wonkettes about the sellout faux liberal negro muslin president who was too centrist once he moved into the white house?

christ i'm glad i'm an agnostic.

SudsMcKenzie January 23, 2011 at 6:16 am

I really didn't think 2 and 1/2 men would still be on the air either.

Naked_Bunny January 23, 2011 at 9:15 am

Holy shit, it is?! That explains so much.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 23, 2011 at 11:33 am

time to just give up and commit to atheism.

bflrtsplk January 23, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Christ says he's glad too.

RawhideRawlins January 23, 2011 at 3:13 am

Let's just outsource our govt.

Banelm January 23, 2011 at 9:55 am

Yeah, we already did that. Whenever you see a political add paid for by 'your local chamber of commerce' = foreign companies & govs buying in.

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 3:18 pm

We have our own private militia !

The private killing machine grows and grows.

EdFlintstone January 23, 2011 at 3:19 am

I won't know what to think until I hear a bunch of rich insiders banter back forth around a sunday morning talk show table. Me thinks they will likey.

CrankyLttlCamperette January 23, 2011 at 3:52 am

Ah, but someone will still yell about something on The McLaughlin Group.

imissopus January 23, 2011 at 3:19 am

Meh, these speeches are like New Year's resolutions. Three days later you realize you haven't started doing any of the things you promised yourself you would do, then you decide it's a lost cause and you'll try again next January.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:41 am

Speaking of which, do we anticipate another "I'll get the Middle Easty-peacey thing this time, I pinky-swear it," moment?

hooray4anything January 23, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Or it's like opening day of baseball where the Front Office tells you they got a great pitching staff and they signed some great free agents and by April you realize they're still the same-ole Cubs

mavenmaven January 23, 2011 at 3:49 am

I don't get this, its like he has some kind of republico-oedipal issue, where he will only feel comfortable with himself if he gets love from the castrating parent, here the repubs. But as always, its a lost cause.
Plus, the castrating is done by the females in that party.

Negropolis January 23, 2011 at 4:24 am

Here's to hoping he'll get rid of the pretense of calling the bottom of the pyramid the "middle class" and honestly calling them for what they are, now: serfs.

But, Wall Street is booming, so he who cares? He doesn't even have to talk about them, at all, if he doesn't want to. Wall Street reports are excellent social paper mache. Don't mind the men behind the curtain robbing us blind.

We'll all soon be living in a Gary Shteyngart novel.

finallyhappy January 23, 2011 at 7:56 am

And you know for sure no GOPer has read one of those.

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 8:22 am

"We'll all soon be living in a Gary Shteyngart novel"

I have such hot temperature for Golly Burton.

horsedreamer_1 January 23, 2011 at 8:58 am

Yup. Another hipper than being hip author who relocated to New York — or maybe he's from there (which, oddly, does take the chauvinism down a notch; prolly something on the order of converts having to be "more Catholic than the Pope", the transplants to BKLYN & Haarlem being more in love with NYC than even the most egotistic natives) — because that's the only way one can achieve notability/fame/success.

I am so stoked to know I'll be living that life, in this man's novels, so soon.

imissopus January 24, 2011 at 2:06 am

He's Russian by birth, moved to NYC as a child, if I'm not mistaken. I've read a couple of interviews with him, I wouldn't exactly call him a hipster. He's more a nebbishy Russian Woody Allen.

HistoriCat January 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Serfs? The proper term is peasants.

Negropolis January 24, 2011 at 12:53 am

Peasant still has too much humor inherent in it for it to be taken seriously. People of all political backgrounds still laugh a the word peasant.

TanzbodenKoenig January 23, 2011 at 4:35 am

And not a single fuck will be given that day…

voodooeconomics January 23, 2011 at 8:14 am

All I need is one(1) picture of Michelle Bachman in a bikini. Why can't the Internet Tubes come up with this little one pic. Then I will "trust and respect" her a lot.

rocktonsam January 23, 2011 at 8:30 am

I'm going to listen the SOTU speech on NPR.

I can't stand the thought of having to watch it and have Boner behind the President stroking his big new gavel balling his eyes out.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:44 am

I'll listen to it, but only because I've decided to avoid the Bears-Packers game today on the premise that I can only watch so many of my fellow Christians slaughtered in a single week. (Packers = lions, btw, but not the Detroit kind). And no, I'm not Christian, but my spouse is/was.

DoktorZoom January 23, 2011 at 6:15 pm

As it happens, your post reminded me to turn on the game. With one minute left to play.

My condolences.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:45 am

But I will not look at Marky-Mark's jowls on PBS that night. Not even for a second.

ttommyunger January 23, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I'm hoping you meant bawling his eyes out, as in crying; not as in fucking his eyes out; or I could be so obtuse I am missing the snark in your comment. OK, I'll admit it, I am obtuse.

thebeatgoeson08 January 23, 2011 at 2:33 pm

I was about to make a similar comment. I'd certainly rather see the Boner "bawling" than balling.

ttommyunger January 23, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Thank you for that mental image, now excuse me while I gargle battery acid.

thebeatgoeson08 January 23, 2011 at 2:58 pm

You're welcome. Now I'll call an emergency ENT for you.

DustBowlBlues January 23, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I just think about how much he would smell from the smoking and how oily he is and orange , to sum up all his attributes plus the crying and I can't imagine how anyone can bear to get near this guy.

He's every lounge lizard I avoided in the 70s. I just want to know where the big, pointy collar and heavy gold chains are.

thebeatgoeson08 January 23, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Don't forget the leisure suit…

Fuck Toad January 23, 2011 at 8:33 am

But for Obama to move to the center, wouldn't he have had to move to the left from where he was? Or is "moving to the center" code for "moving to the right" whenever the person has a D after their name?

PublicLuxury January 23, 2011 at 8:38 am

Maybe we shouldn't say Fuck You to Obama. To show a bit of respect for the office perhaps we could say Intercourse You?

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 23, 2011 at 11:43 am

You can just quote Dick Cheney…

ttommyunger January 23, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I think Barry is fit enough to appreciate a well-aimed fuck. Leave the intercourse stuff to the Orrin Hatch types.

DoktorZoom January 23, 2011 at 6:18 pm

We could borrow the terminology of SomethingAwful's fora, and say "Gently Caress You" to Obama.

PublicLuxury January 23, 2011 at 8:42 am

Sometimes I don't think Obama's advisers are very smart. They consistently real him n to pander to the right. The right wants Obama to be a one term president. They told him. I think he's just about to fulfill their wettest dreams.

horsedreamer_1 January 23, 2011 at 8:59 am

Paul Ryan has been tapped to give the 10 minute GOP rebuttal to the speech. He will do so from the House Budget Room. He will lip-synch the first ten minutes of the audiobook for Atlas Shrugged.

V572625694 January 23, 2011 at 10:05 am

Shhh…don't tell him Ayn Rand was an atheist and banged everybody from Alan Greenspan to Nathaniel Branden, concurrently. While smoking Camels.

horsedreamer_1 January 23, 2011 at 10:11 am

You just made him hard.

What is it with Miami Univ. of Ohio & sexual deviance? Paul Ryan, Ben Roethlisberger, Reince Priebus (got his law degree, there)….

mattbenzing January 24, 2011 at 11:57 am

Miami U doesn't have a law school, Priebus went to the University of Miami in Florida. I went to Miami U in the 80s; it was full of arrogant Young Republican preppies who couldn't decide if they were Tom Cruise in Risky Business or Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

Rotundo_ January 23, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Here's hoping that he matches Jindal's legendary performance. Given his intellectual and rhetorical skills I'm thinking he may even surpass that delivery.

hooray4anything January 23, 2011 at 1:55 pm

It'll be like watching Andy Kaufman on old timey SNL

lessthan_zero January 23, 2011 at 9:00 am

Good evening, America.

It has come to my attention that some are upset by my decision to use the dump truck of money that is the federal budget for occasional improvement of the lives of non-millionaires. This is important because you are mostly mouth-breathing cretins ready to bark at your television's command, and the money held by "some" mightily impresses the people who own television networks.

We have decided to back up the dump truck again to constituencies which don't need it, but out of my great and lasting concern for the less fortunate, the poor will be allowed to scramble into it from time to time, foraging coins and small bills that have stuck to patches of mysterious and foul-smelling goo in the bed. I will graciously accept the blame for any decline in living suffered by the less fortunate, even if they were exactly the people who voted in a Republican House majority that was very clear about its intent to fuck them in the ass with a baseball bat.

Thank you, and may God bless America.

bitchincamaro2 January 23, 2011 at 9:01 am

As long as Chief Justice Roberts is not offended. Two more years of butt hurt whining from the right will not……….ah, who am I kidding?

Come here a minute January 23, 2011 at 9:39 am

To prove he's serious, he's firing Biden, appointing Michael Reagan VP, and resigning.

It's The Reaganing.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:46 am

All work and no play makes Barry a dull Preznit.

Clancy_Pants January 23, 2011 at 9:46 am

Perhaps he should borrow from the great 20th Century orator Gerald Ford:
… President Franklin D. Roosevelt said, and I quote: The people of the United States have not failed …. They want direct, vigorous action, and they have asked for discipline and direction under our leadership…
..I suspect each of you know, this is the acid test of our joint determination to whip inflation beat unemployment in America..,
.. I have just outlined to the Congress the steps I am taking as President to whip inflation right now beat unemployment today and tomorrow…
…a very simple enlistment form will appear in many of tomorrow's newspapers along with the symbol of this new mobilization, which I am wearing on my lapel. It bears the single word WIN BUTT. I think that tells it all. I will call upon every American to join in this massive mobilization and stick with it until we do win beat unemployment today and tomorrow as a nation and as a people…
…. my predecessors have come in person to call upon Congress for a declaration of war, and I shall not do that. But I say to you with all sincerity that our inflation unemployment, our public enemy number one, will, unless whipped skull-fucked head-butted into submission, destroy our country, our homes, our liberties, our property, and finally our national pride, as surely as any well-armed wartime enemy.

GunTotingProgressive January 23, 2011 at 3:32 pm

3rd times the charm?

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 8:10 pm

I still have a Whip Inflation Now button which I hope will appreciate in value someday.

Negropolis January 24, 2011 at 1:14 am

I don't know if anyone remembers, but when Ford died not too long ago, he had a letter released upon his death where he basically said that the GOP had gone way the fuck far off the rails. The media kind of ignored it, at the time, because I think it even criticized Dubya.

x111e7thst January 23, 2011 at 9:55 am

There is nothing our ever more centrist president can say that will arrest the slide of this once great nation into the third world shitpit it is destined to become. I just wish I had enough liquor and drugs to stay comatose through the entire descent.

FlyOverGirl January 23, 2011 at 9:58 am

Couldn't we have a less lasting symbol of Barry moving to the center like pics of him spray tanning with Boner?

Come here a minute January 23, 2011 at 9:59 am

Has the gay Mexican intern been announced as Michelle's special guest yet? So derivative.

twaingirl January 23, 2011 at 10:01 am

There's nothing in the street (Wall street!)
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
And the parting on the left
Is now the parting on the right

…that's what we call the Center in America!

samsuncle January 23, 2011 at 11:44 am

That may be true but "We Won't Be Fooled Again".

twaingirl January 23, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Eh, were we really fooled the first time? We knew he was not as liberal as he said he was. We–by which I mean me–just liked the hype because it was *something* other than the crap W % Co had been giving us.

I just hate how freakin' obvious he's being about the whole thing. We will be fooled again, in 2012, by voting for him again. It's either him or Prez Romney and I don't favor magic underwear.

V572625694 January 23, 2011 at 10:09 am

Here's a suggestion for Barry's new centrist tax policy: since Social Security already works that way, there's no reason the income tax shouldn't have an upper cutoff at $106,800. It's not like the job-creating Riches are getting more than their share of benefits from government. For instance, they typically have fewer children to send to fight in Afghanistan than the Poors.

Well, that and they don't go, because, c'mon: there's a tennis game at the club at three, and then I have a sailing lesson.

President Obama will outline an agenda for “winning the future”

This was in a block quote, so it's not a joke, right? Has Barry hired somebody from POLITICO to do his speeches? Or is he just hoping they'll give him good reviews if he ramps up their favorite meme?

weejee January 23, 2011 at 11:34 am

V57, were you really expecting to get paid for all those hamburgers on Tuesday?

Mindblank January 23, 2011 at 10:11 am

It's a good thing we know what's coming so we can be outraged in advance. Too much talking heads, too much Wonkette group think, not enough buttsex.

Ken Layne January 23, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Uh, the speech is already written, and the bulk of it has been sent around by email already so the NYT and the Politico and the cable panelists can have their "reactions" ready, this isn't new and it happens every year.

GunTotingProgressive January 23, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Of course… It takes several hours for the TelePrompTer to devour the text so it can be fed directly into Nomamar's cortex.

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 8:26 pm

On behalf of pacific time weekend insomniacs, I'd like to thank you for this generous, tasty bone. It still had plenty of meat when I got to it.

Jukesgrrl January 23, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Speak for yourself, buddy. I don't THINK.

donner_froh January 23, 2011 at 10:17 am

By noon on Wednesday Sarah Pallin will have taped a statement denouncing the State of the Union address as an attack on her, her family and everything she holds dear.

On Wednesday night she will be telling Sean Hannity that her use of he term "black Sambo" had nothing to do with racism.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 23, 2011 at 11:48 am

"That's simply my family's favorite restaurant."

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 8:59 pm

After all, he did turn the tiger into butter, didn't he?

schvitzatura January 23, 2011 at 10:21 am

Super-duper magical i-banker-friendly centrist negro…don't let the Simon Legrees hold you back from your progresssive-dog whistle shoo-fly-pie-in-the-sky campaign promises, fo shizzle, my POT(US)izzle.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 10:31 am

Long as it isn't swilly PBR.

metamarcisf January 23, 2011 at 11:17 am

Wipe that smile off your face ya fucking teabagger

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Whatever the bag-thing is paying his writers is more than their work is worth, by infinity.

ChessieNefercat January 23, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Well, he already told the joke once, and like a four year old, he thinks everybody will laugh if he tells it again. Hopefully comments won't go to three pages.

Negropolis January 24, 2011 at 12:59 am

Why did the administrator delete the comment, instead of banning his ass altogether? It's not that I'm offended, but he's really distractingly prolific for a troll.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 23, 2011 at 11:18 am

Hang loose, Satan.

weejee January 23, 2011 at 11:29 am

Seems that most posters are guessin' that on Tuesday ol' Barry will be doin' some triangulating to the center. Unless senility has totally filled my head with plaque, the libtard in 2008 was Denny Kucinich. The rest, save the libertarian leaning Mike Gravel and neopopulist John Edwards, were middle of the road DeRats. Of that remaining group Chris Dodd and Joe Biden were the more liberal, while Hillz and Barry more blue dawg. In 2008 Barry had a 82% ACLU and 45% ADA rating while Chis Dodd had ratings of 85% & 100%.

Could it be that we commie pinko skum are having problems with projecting our libtardliness on a C-word DeRat who happens to be Prez?

Perhaps so, but at least we don't have major problems with refraction like the Teatards. The tea the Baggers are drinking has such a crazyass index of refraction that when they think the are seeing themselves stirring the sugar cube they are actually giving their TrukNutz a severe thrashing, which explains why they are always so crabby, too, also.

deanbooth January 23, 2011 at 12:55 pm

True. It's just hard to give up the "black + sane = liberal" equation, and Barry seems otherwise sane. (See also: gay + sane = liberal, or woman + sane=liberal, &c.)

gurukalehuru January 23, 2011 at 11:34 am

Every time I see SoTU, I think STFU. Somehow, I think that's appropriate.

I know the Extemporanus wrote that 8 hours ago. That does not mean it wasn't original when I wrote it just now.

user-of-owls January 23, 2011 at 3:19 pm

That does not mean it wasn't original when I wrote it just now.

Hey, let me try that:
"This is good news for John McCain."
Nope, does not work at all.

"This is good news for John McCain" is this generation's "Frist!" and increasingly less funny.

randcoolcatdaddy January 23, 2011 at 11:39 am

Obama's problem was that he didn't have a career as a b-list actor before going into politics. Now all politicians aspire to be b-list actors after they get in office.

V572625694 January 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Or reality show hostesses.

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2011 at 11:56 am

Once again, our political system bows down before the mighty political spectrum. It doesn't matter if policies "work" or "don't work". No, they must occupy the center point on a political spectrum where compromise is the only virtue and working together trumps doing the right thing.

LibrulEleet January 23, 2011 at 12:34 pm

A dictatorship would be so much better.

Troubledog January 23, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Sure, he could be more hardcore. Maybe like Olbermann, you think? You think Olbermann could have passed HCR? Maybe Howard Dean? Or Hillary? No fucking way.

WriteyWriterton January 23, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Correct, unfortunately.

Troubledog January 23, 2011 at 3:23 pm

I was Team Hopey at the caucuses when everybody else was sitting around the Hillary tables smirking at me. I was Team Hopey when I had to tape up yard signs INSIDE my windows so they woudn't get defaced and stolen by my fucking racist neighbors. I was Team Hopey in the summer of 08 when the banks were failing and McCain, hopelessly behind, unleashed his poison pill endgame.

And two years later, against the focused hatred of billionaires, racists, and every sort of freak America can muster, all united as one against him, he passed HCR, something no other president has been able to do.

How people can say he's a failure, I don't understand. People who say he's a sellout should really read more Taibbi; if you want to learn about who really owns America.

HCR is far more important that bailouts or silly money games. It permanently changes the fundamental nature of our country, just like Social Security and Medicare did. Goldman Sachs can afford to wait for fifty years and unwind tax code or whatever. But once HCR is imprinted, they'll never be able to roll it back.

And Hopey delivered the goods. He is my man and I ride with him.

KevoTron January 23, 2011 at 12:20 pm

The SOTU is upon us ago and I quit drinking. This thing is now officially unwatachable.

I don't have any conservative friends to sit next to when it's on so in the interest of bipartisanship I will be reading Michelle Malkin's liveblog. If I don't check in with you guys after the speech send the paramedics, I either slit my wrists or started drinking again.

Ken Layne January 23, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Well hooray for your liver and brain cells! You are one step closer to the greatest liberation of all: Throwing the television in the "e-waste" bin and ignoring Washington completely. I am dead serious.

vulpes82 January 23, 2011 at 3:46 pm

SOMEONE is grumpy today!

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 7:50 pm

I have a TV. Just trying to buy a wire to hook it up to my computer. The stolen cable stream I get only has 4 channels now so I never watch it.

lulzmonger January 23, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Amen. I almost wish I had a boob-tube, just so I could lug it out to the parking-lot, put it in a burlap sack & take a sledgehammer to it.

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Nooooooes not Malkin. Anything but Malkin.
Great to hear about your progress Kevo
Try some ginseng.
and B-12

gef05 January 23, 2011 at 12:29 pm

This is it – this is all you've got? You went out of your way to search for a Liberal blog in order to post a snark and that's the limit of your ability.

"There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action." –Goethe

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

From the "Things I Never Thought I'd See" file….

Wait….what???

V572625694 January 23, 2011 at 1:44 pm

They'll be totally down with cutting defense spending until Cousin Zeke loses his job as a carpenter at Fort Hood. Then it'll be treasonous, part of Barry's plot to surrender the nation to whomever it is they think Barry want's to surrender the nation to.

zappadoo76 January 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Barry is giving the "shaka" sign in that picture. It's some sort of secret Hawaiian greeting ritual. This is to create the illusion that our Kenyan overlord is actually "from Hawaii." I mean, not even Governor Neil Abercrombie was allowed to get a gander at Barry's actual birf certificate. What is with THAT?

Disclaimer: I have no problem with a Kenyan President of the US. And I am sure the Republicans will love his State of the Union speech, just as they came in their pants about his Gifford talk.

Ducksworthy January 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Wouldn't it be refreshing if Barry would open with the truth. "Due to the economic policies of the past 30 years, we are now all well and truly fucked. Finance has triumphed over pursuit of any productivity. Amurikka's B school grads are no longer interested in advancing manufacturing. All their skill is now devoted to inventing new financial instruments that are more and more abstracted from any value in the real world. We have become a nation of paper pushers and we have sold all of our machine tools to the Chinese. Consequently we cannot ever pay our debts to them. I am therefore asking everyone who makes less that $500,000 a year to send all their cars and household appliances to China to be melted down for scrap."

Ken Layne January 23, 2011 at 3:23 pm

The last president who said anything close to the truth was Jimmy Carter, and you see what happened to him. (I never liked Carter — sanctimonious born-again "centrist" — but that one little speech he made about the Sickness in America's Heart was both completely accurate and the thing that ended his 1980 reelection campaign before it ever started.)

user-of-owls January 23, 2011 at 3:24 pm

China already tried taking perfectly useful things and melting them down for scrap. It was called the Great Leap Forward.

Spoiler alert! It didn't turn out as well as had been hoped.

harry_palmer January 23, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Poor Barry just doesn't get that the Repubs will never be that into him.

weejee January 23, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Tuesday is going to be date night @ the SoTU. John McWalnutz will be taking Tom Udall, Chuck Schumer will be taking Tommie Coburn. Seems that no one want's to ask wallflower douche Mitch McConnell.

Will Michele Bachmann be sharing a coke with Dennis Kucinich? Naaa, Jackie is way too hawt. Maybe C'Addled's bolshevik Jim McDermott could take Michele to the dance?

Oh, wait, MB is doing the Teatard rebutt-all, so Minnecunt won't even be there. Then again, is she ever really there, compos mentis-wise?

user-of-owls January 23, 2011 at 3:26 pm

She's always struck me as more of a praying mentis.

weejee January 23, 2011 at 4:23 pm

sweet

HistoriCat January 23, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Great. Someone better remind them that making out during the President's speech would be undignified. Besides – no one wants to see obscene behavior on television.

Negropolis January 24, 2011 at 1:18 am

Bachmann will have coke (in abundance), but she sure as hell won't be sharing it with anyone.

MozakiBlocks January 23, 2011 at 1:42 pm

When has Barry not been a centrist?

Ken Layne January 23, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Exactly. And when a career centrist just walks all the way over to the right, the newspapers call it "centrist." God they're all such assholes.

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2011 at 3:55 pm

I'm only 36, but I can remember a time in this country when it wasn't just so-called far-left commies that were concerned about the uneven distribution of wealth and resources.

comrad_darkness January 23, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Just out of curiosity, what is the over-under on the seating arrangements successfully keeping the republicans from acting like ADHD five year olds at a pep rally?

Ducksworthy January 23, 2011 at 1:46 pm

FDR said "The moneychangers have fled from their high seats in the temple of our civilization. We may now restore that temple to the ancient truths." Unfortunately, in this year of our lord 2011, we find that they have fled to China and India and taken our industrial base with them.

comrad_darkness January 23, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Brick Oven, is that you? And you haven't accidentally stuck any critical body parts (of your own, that is) in any heavy machinery? Color me shocked.

twaingirl January 23, 2011 at 1:51 pm

OT but Cantor was on Meet the Press this morning. (As a Jew, I personally would like apologize for him and Lieberman. We don't like to talk about them). Gregory wanted him to denounce the birther claims. I think we need to worry more about Cantor than Boner, but its so hard to see what Cantor's doing behind that orange glowing light.
http://www.mediaite.com/tv/it-begins-rep-eric-can

(I apologize if this doesn't meet the snark requirements of Wonkette).
Here's the full interview: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032608/

Rethuglican indeed.

aqua_buddha January 23, 2011 at 3:06 pm

I propose multi-committee investigations of the 'snark requirements of wonkette'.

twaingirl January 23, 2011 at 3:28 pm

eh, i wasn't being funny just bitter and i thought we were always supposed to bring teh humor here.

not that Dewey January 23, 2011 at 9:36 pm

I think some 6-party talks are in order.

JustPixelz January 23, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Are you Shania Twain girl? The moustache (in the thumbnail photo) makes "I feel like a woman" a kinda ironic lyric.

Or are you that other twaingirl … spokesgirl for the Champion Snark Plugs?

Also, we'll need to see your original long form Snark Certificate. All You've Got.

twaingirl January 23, 2011 at 6:37 pm

The other Twaingirl. You know, the one whose War Prayer looks more and more prescient every day.

Also, who the hell has been downfisting me today? I lost some of my precious p points.

JustPixelz January 23, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Ken Layne sells the "p" points to China. Hooray … America has an export!

(I gave you all thumbs up because your bold, Bolton moustache sings "gravitas".

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 1:06 am

"It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said."

Your pees are being poached by Brietbartians. I'm not entirely sure, but I think they think it steals our mana

Sassomatic January 23, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I'm not sure that he understands this: whenever he moves toward the center, the wingnuts move more toward the right to get further away from him. If he keeps this up, the teabaggers will start clamoring for forced conversions and the reinstitution of slavery.

HistoriCat January 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

What do you mean start clamoring?

Pragmatist2 January 23, 2011 at 2:00 pm

If someone shouts out "You lie," will he show them his center finger?

Negropolis January 24, 2011 at 1:05 am

No, he'll just do what he did, last time. Let out another defeating "Not true" that begins to trail even before he says the word "true."

The look on Nancy's face was priceless, though.

Radiotherapy January 23, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Why don't you two go circle jerk to a Palin pic… a Todd Palin pic.

aqua_buddha January 23, 2011 at 2:22 pm

New SOTU drinking game :
Get to a cheap, seedy bar, anytime before the speech starts, drink hard until you can't remember why you're there.
You win.

Ken Layne January 23, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Also: Don't watch the speech.

GunTotingProgressive January 23, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Aren't you sort of connected to the whole "humor in politics" thing?

ttommyunger January 23, 2011 at 2:27 pm

What is not appreciated by the average political junkie is how much time and effort is being expended on Capitol Hill by Rightard Congressional Staffers trying to come up with a stunt that will both disrupt Barry's speech and pre-empt everything else that is going on in the world, including the SOTU Address itself. I'm betting on Gomert jumping up and down in his seat, throwing his own feces in all directions.

GunTotingProgressive January 23, 2011 at 4:03 pm

How does this differ from normal congressional discourse?

ttommyunger January 23, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Point taken.

weejee January 23, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Rightard Congressional Staffers = fecal facilitators, turd trainers, scatological savants…

ttommyunger January 23, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Shit slingers, turd wranglers, taint ticklers, clit missers, smegma smoochers, I could go on and on…

DashboardBuddha January 23, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Good lord…this is it? When did trolls turn into such pussies. Back in my day, trolls had spunk…they were fierce. Now all we have is weak beer such as this.

user-of-owls January 23, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Less triangulation! More nappied hypotenuse!

weejee January 23, 2011 at 4:29 pm

And for the conservatives we seem to get the hyperbolic tangent of an obese right teabag.

Troubledog January 23, 2011 at 3:24 pm

I was Team Hopey at the caucuses when everybody else was sitting around the Hillary tables smirking at me. I was Team Hopey when I had to tape up yard signs INSIDE my windows so they woudn't get defaced and stolen by my fucking racist neighbors. I was Team Hopey in the summer of 08 when the banks were failing and McCain, hopelessly behind, unleashed his poison pill endgame.

And two years later, against the focused hatred of billionaires, racists, and every sort of freak America can muster, all united as one against him, he passed HCR, something no other president has been able to do.

How people can say he's a failure, I don't understand. People who say he's a sellout should really read more Taibbi; if you want to learn about who really owns America.

HCR is far more important that bailouts or silly money games. It permanently changes the fundamental nature of our country, just like Social Security and Medicare did. Goldman Sachs can afford to wait for fifty years and unwind tax code or whatever. But once HCR is imprinted, they'll never be able to roll it back.

And Hopey delivered the goods. He is my man and I ride with him.

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I would have more faith in Obama right now if somehow the conventional wisdom shifted from being "What's good for business is what's good for America".

vulpes82 January 23, 2011 at 5:01 pm

To be fair, I don't think even if Obama really were a Messiah he could change the conventional "wisdom." That shit's ingrained and is going to take decades to extricate.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I am with you, Troubledog, I still have the faith and when it waivers I weep on the shoulder of MrLimeyizzie, who was in San Frncisco in 1959 and an early hippie, who has been a Progressive for years and he still thinks Barry is laughing at the right-wing and will seriously play them.

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 10:48 pm

well, thats encouraging!

politics_nerd January 23, 2011 at 3:25 pm

they can probably grow testicles in a petri dish by now. just fyi, Barry.

Jukesgrrl January 23, 2011 at 3:30 pm

The most important question: How many of the Supremes will sew teabags to their robes?

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

There is a rumor that he is gonna talk about infrastructure investment.
We all know the big corporate CEOs need perfectly smooth roads in order to safely drive their Lotus to work.

BarackMyWorld January 23, 2011 at 3:42 pm

"Again???'

-Rocket J. Squirrel

vulpes82 January 23, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Oh, please. Calm down everyone. This is just the press once again discovering that their crazy Cousin Roger is wrong and the black guy isn't the Kenyan Socialist Commie they thought he was. So he "tacks" to the center, where he's always been, Broder & Co. orgasm, and then a week later he's the reincarnation of Pol Pot again.

Limeylizzie January 23, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Am I crazy for still believing in Hopey? I know you lot will all hate fist me for that.I just think he has to get the first term over, get re-elected and then fuck over all the right-wingers.well, that's what I would do.

Rotundo_ January 23, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I hope you're right, I know that the soaring rhetoric of the campaign wasn't matched completely in the office. I think reality set in early and hard with the Obama team, and that, coupled with his selection of the best and brightest* economic team skewed the results further right than many of us would have hoped or expected. I'd love to have faith in him right now, but I am fresh out. I am relieved that it wasn't Walnuts and Caribou Barbie, and that their careers are pretty much done. Imagining how they would have dealth with the crap Barry and the smart kids have is enough to make you shudder.
*But they never had a conversation with Paul Krugman…heavy sigh…

vulpes82 January 23, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Well, I'm right there crazy with you, Lizzie!

x111e7thst January 23, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Not Obama.He is basically a semi-spineless semi-centrist (look at his appointments, not his speeches). That said, he is my semi spineless..

ifthethunderdontgetya January 23, 2011 at 6:27 pm

I just think he has to get the first term over, get re-elected and then fuck over all the right-wingers.well, that's what I would do.

Good for you, Limeylizzie! That's what I would do, too.

Unfortunately, Obama has been fucking over the peasants who voted for him since he was sworn into office, and all the evidence shows it's gonna get even worse.

Look for him to mention cutting Social Security, perhaps as soon as Tuesday.

Good luck, and good night.
~

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 7:57 pm

yea, thats why we cannot affford to lose the Senate. Barry might even go the Portugal route with the War on Drugs his next term if we could save money doing so. Legalize industrial hemp. those sorts of harmless policies only a lame duck Barry could do.

transfatz January 23, 2011 at 8:39 pm

That's what you would do and so we will never hate fist you. I don't think that is what he will do but we probably won't hate fist him either. We'll just stick to snarky bitching.

chascates January 23, 2011 at 4:20 pm

And the cool kids will be forced to sit with the dweebs. This should be interesting.

JustPixelz January 23, 2011 at 4:42 pm

In the interests of ideological purity, the Tea Party wing of the Repubican party is ceding the center to the Demoncrats and Obama. It's too big an opening to ignore. The 'Pubes won't get the favorable turnout the pulled last November. The leading POTUS candicates are all, basically, disliked. And we can expect Palin and Bachmann and Beck and Limbaugh to tear the apostates apart during primaries.

And then I woke up….

Bluestatelibel January 23, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Sob, sob, sob, I am a corrupt weasel Wall Street firm that received billions in bailout $$$ but Obama hasn't been nice to me! He acts like it's all my fault that me and my weasel friends tanked the economy, and OMG, so what? I need a hug, and wining and dining, and nice words, or maybe I'll take my billions and tank you all again, in between sobbing fits.

politics_nerd January 23, 2011 at 6:15 pm

The state of the union is goddamned disappointed in YOU, boss.

donner_froh January 23, 2011 at 8:11 pm

In the picture President Obama flashes the "call me" signal to Sara Benincasa although both realize their relationship will have to remain on the QT for now.

user-of-owls January 23, 2011 at 8:40 pm

You know what would be meta? If Barry started off his speech by saying, "The state of the Union is gaseous."

Madam Killjoy January 23, 2011 at 10:16 pm

I'm Italian – my gravy makes everything tasty! I'll just boil him down in that.

Aww, now I feel bad. Off to give him a cashew and hope he doesn't bite my pinky finger off.

DoktorZoom January 24, 2011 at 12:55 am

TODD: What is that?
LOVETT: It's priest. Have a little priest.
TODD: Is it really good?
LOVETT:
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,
So it's pretty fresh.
TODD: Awful lot of fat.
LOVETT: Only where it sat.
TODD: Haven't you got poet, or something like that?
LOVETT:
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!

BarryOPotter January 24, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I'd like to try the Helena Bonham-Carter any day…

sati_demise January 23, 2011 at 11:02 pm

"The state of the Union is gaseous."

From too much carbon. I am instructing the EPA to start collecting carbon taxes before the Republican House shuts them down.

Madam Killjoy January 23, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Gravy is sauce! Sauce is gravy! Pasta is macaroni! Whether you stick it in your cap or not!

{Not to be rude, but your question marks appear to be inside out.}

jim89048 January 23, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Now that we've live-blogged the shit out of the STFU Address, what will we do come game-time?
I guess we could wait for intensedebate to finally finish uploading the rest of this weekend's comments…

keepem_sikanpor January 24, 2011 at 6:24 am

Who didn’t get their little scrotums sucked gently enough by Obama?

Me.

mereoblivion January 24, 2011 at 9:40 am

Whining the future.

ttommyunger January 24, 2011 at 10:37 pm

My fingers get ahead of my brain regularly.

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thebeatgoeson08 January 23, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Born in North Tonawanda myself, but only lived there until I was 3. Moved back in the 80's to do a pediatric residency at Children's Hospital. Genny Cream is ok, but I preferred the OV splits!

RedNM January 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I went to UB. Now I live in Santa Fe and work in Albuquerque.

Barbara_i January 23, 2011 at 2:59 pm

We're probably related. Let's try not to get a crush going or it could be awkward at holiday time. My mom's family name is Rott. Yeah, Dot Rott, couldn't you just scream? My dad's name was Jeanette. He had a sister, Jeanette Jeanette. Rednecks are fun like that.

GunTotingProgressive January 23, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Damn, OV was reserved for special occasions… Most nights it was a Matt's beer ball (I grew up in the Mohawk Valley and went to college in Utica).

CalamityJames January 23, 2011 at 3:06 pm

With those golden locks, that chiseled jaw, those manly pecs, there is no "letting." No, when the Wookie wants something, it's best to go to your happy place and just hope that he upfists you in the morning.

thebeatgoeson08 January 23, 2011 at 3:42 pm

My mom's family name is Babel. No crazy redneck names, though. Just crazy rednecks. Although most of them are dead. Some how my mother turned out quite liberal. Go figure.

thebeatgoeson08 January 23, 2011 at 3:45 pm

MVCC? My husband went there in the late 70's.

GunTotingProgressive January 23, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Nope, Ivy league (Utica College). I went to some concerts at MVCC though, if that counts for anything…

ttommyunger January 23, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Forget it, a dirt nap is looking better and better these days.

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Awwww, how could I not?

DoktorZoom January 23, 2011 at 6:04 pm

DMZ is good, but the comic I really love is The Walking Dead. It stays true to Joe Bob Briggs' First Rule of Horror: Anyone can die, at any moment.

Angry_Marmot January 23, 2011 at 6:44 pm

An introduction by Joe Bob could improve the SotU by including a breast count and adding the suffix -fu to every rhetorical trope.

jim89048 January 24, 2011 at 11:23 am

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