let me help you with that

Woman Getting Shot Through the Brain Opens Up AZ-8 For Dude

Like a pro.Unfortunately for Gabrielle Giffords’ 2010 midterm opponent, Teabagger Jesse Kelly, just as he was about to announce another run against her in the next election, Giffords was shot through the head at point-blank range when she was out serving her constituents. Fiddlesticks! What bad luck! Kelly canceled the announcement. But say Jesse Kelly had this friend, right? And this friend was wondering what would happen to Giffords’ seat in Congress. She’s not, uh, she’s not using it right now, right? Whoops: “Yesterday’s item about Jesse Kelly exploring a special election for the CD8 seat in the wake of Giffords’ shooting created waves in Tucson political circles.”

This is how Kelly canceled his campaign:

“Everything’s been cancelled. Everything’s on hold. We just don’t want to discuss politics at a time like this,” Kelly’s campaign spokesman, John Ellinwood, said.

And this is how he went about seeing, uh, a new, you know — if she can’t — what’s the, you know, uh:

Attorney Lee Miller, who serves as legal counsel for the Arizona Republican Party, told our reporter Kelly’s campaign contacted him earlier this week to find out how the seat would be filled if Giffords couldn’t serve.

Enough of this silly little tiptoeing. If a member of Congress gets shot during his or her term, the seat should go to the next-closest vote-getter from the previous election. This was Sharron Angle’s strategy, after all, and now she’s just sitting around at home in her sweats watching The Price Is Right and crappy 80’s movies all day. Let’s cheer her up. [Ben Smith]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. JadedDissonance

    I'm not sure what stimulated me more about this article, the actual events discussed within it, or Jack's incredible stenography work.

    1. GOPCrusher

      If they had a special election to fill her seat, would he actually have the cajones to run for it, after his previous campaign hijinks?

      1. DoktorZoom

        He'd be gunning for that seat! He'd have it in his sights! He'd take his best shot, and blow the competition away! Anyone foolish enough to run against him would be cut down ruthlessly and left a bullet-riddled corpse, bleeding on the ground from thousands of…uh…votes.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          I'm shocked, shocked, that you failed to mention that after his humiliating defeat, he didn't retreat; he reloaded and is ready to exercise his second amendment rights to protect the whitest people in Arizona.

      2. Jukesgrrl

        Are you kidding me? Talk around Tucson was, he fully expected to be appointed by the governor when he happily assumed Gabby wouldn't recover sufficiently to continue.

        She won by fewer than 4,000 votes and he had a 3-to-1 lead in some of the suburbs. He didn't even concede until days after the election. And when he did, he thanked "the thousands of warriors who fought with me in this campaign" and declared his near-win to be a victory for America. Unlike Gabby he never campaigned on a platform of representing Tucson, but rather representing the tea party nationwide. Much like Miller in Alaska, the voters he was campaigning to represent were the last thing on his mind.

        Jesse Kelly is an insufferable jerk, but many Tucsonans love their guns more than they love intelligence or job qualifications. They saw no hypocrisy in Kelly campaigning against Federal stimulus projects while his family business makes a fortune off them. Gabby better get well, or he has a good chance of taking her seat. His babbling about the Constitution, Second Amendment "rights," and hatred of our president is still a popular song around these parts.

        1. sati_demise

          ack, gacugh I am choking……..air, I need air!

          smelling salts
          shot of whiskey

          god this is a fucked up place

        2. Joey_Ratz

          I thought Brewer would just appoint him as Giffords' successor as well. By pushing the issue and contacting Miller, Kelly has shown himself to be even stupider than I thought (which is saying a lot).

          My pet theory is that he lost because of his staggering lack of charisma. With a face and voice like his, anything is an uphill struggle. If the repugs can find a guy who doesn't sound and look like he got whacked hard and often in the back of the head as a baby, I think they'll win the next election here, no matter if Giffords recovers.

      1. Negropolis

        I love, love, love Waffle House when I'm in the South, and their ancient, pack-an-hour, gravely-voiced waitresses with their Southern Hospitality who compliment me on my Northern 'accent'. I also like that the kitchen is right there out in the open, so you can see if the overweight cook spits in your eggs. As a minority, the open kitchen is important to me.

        Y'all come back now, ya' hear? Don't worry, Flo, I'll always be back. Always.

  2. SorosBot

    Jesse, what you just did has probably made sure that you will never win an election in that district again.

    1. DoktorZoom

      One might even say that, with this move, Kelly has shot himself in the foot.

      With an M-16, even.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Or Arizonians (is that even a word?) are as stupid as Oklahomans, who love the Teabag rhetoric which is very much like Timothy McVeigh's philosophy. They're stupid, and, as stupid people are, tone deaf to simple things like, well, like common human decency.

          1. WriteyWriterton

            The preferred-to-preferred-nomenclature is Teh Stupid. I don't want them moving north and east when they run out of water in 10 years, either. I vote they stay there.

            Who's with me?!

          2. ShaveTheWhales

            Perhaps for Arizonans. (Arizonans? Really?)

            But for the rest of us, I believe "Zonies" works pretty well.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I feel obligated to mention Oklahoma again, since any discussion of no-class states is lacking if we don't get one in there. By the way (I'm not sure you kids realized it, but that's what BTW means) what happened to that sweet okie who chimed in on, what was it, I believe the Flaming Lips and state rock song fiasco, claiming that there were lots of very good people in OK, and we aren't all as bad as the wonkeratti were saying and that everyone was being very unfair.

      I replied that this person should just go ahead and admit that the vast majority of our population have had their heads so far up their asses for so long that their faces are pimply from lack of sunshine and quit defending the indefensible. Evidently, my common sense approach to the nonsensical didn't work so hot because that person seems to have disappeared, unless s/he/it cane back as meta-negative pees guy. Except I doubt you could get that funny that fast.

      Whatever–Arizona might as well be in the Bible belt they're so stoopid, except they seem to have as many Catholics as they do evangelitards, and I don't know what that says about them. Other than lots of browns, of course.

      1. trampndirtdown

        Don't get too down Dusty, in beautiful North Idaho today the idiot neo-nazis were protesting the taco wagon across the street from my work, that is until a car sped by and splashed slush on them and they had to go home. Evidently protecting the white homeland can only be done with dry clothes.

  3. V572625694

    Sharron Angle just "sitting around at home in her sweats watching The Price Is Right and crappy 80′s movies all day"? I don't think so! She's out on the pistol range sharpening up her 2nd Amendment skills. And with those big, big magazines, she spends a lot less time re-loading.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Shame on the lamestream media for portraying Kelly's legitimate concern for our Constitution as though it were just petty, ghoulish grabbiness. But while we're on the subject, does her office have a window, and is it reasonably close to the cafeteria?

      1. PsycWench

        Make sure the air conditioning works. I hear that D.C. has this thing called "humidity" and it will stale your crackers before your eyes.

  5. Pragmatist2

    If they had to hold a special election, they would just have to hold another one the next day because Mr. Kelly is obviously brain dead.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Even with brain matter missing from her skull that now looks like puzzle pieces, and given that her mental and physical abilities are still to be determined – the Congresswoman is still preferable to this douche-bag.

    2. Boojum_Reborn

      Seriously, I don't get why he thinks he would be more capable than she is. I mean, at least she once had a fully functioning brain.

  6. Clancy_Pants

    Even the Az. Repubs must think this guy is a douchebag. If the legal counsel for the party lets this slip they must want to see him self-immolate.

    douche bag –noun

    1. The bag forming part of a douche (A small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas).

    2. Slang a contemptible person. See Jesse Kelly.

  7. widestanceroman

    Not so much an exit wound as an opportunity to explore candidacy viability going forward, right?

    1. JustPixelz

      Perhaps a surveyor's mark on his forehead would be easier for him to understand. It would remind him of all the "voters" in Arizona.

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Couldn't be the shrieking weasel. Multi-syllabic words and reasonable (earth-based) grammar. Second sentence logically follows first.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Okay, okay, I'm now following you because you're window wouldn't go away.

      PLUS–note to the no-profile wonkeratti–your profile was a funny one.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Is that why those windows won't go away? It means we should follow the window-won't -go-away person? Well, okay. I'm generally pretty docile. I can get on board with this.

  8. imissopus

    Tough to make yourself look like the biggest Republican douche bag in a state that boasts John McCain and Ben Quayle in its congressional delegation. And Jon Kyl. And Jan Brewer in the governor's mansion. In fact, the more I type, the more I'm impressed by his taking the douche bag crown.

    1. neiltheblaze

      You gotta admit, as a state delegation, it's an impressive list of truly first class loonies. They're going for the Gold in that particular special olympics. Look out Kentucky.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        That's how I feel about our new guv, No-Neck Betty Boop Mattress Mary Fallin. Too bad those of us who live in states as retarded as ours can't have a special wonkette convention where we would hold a contest on who can come up with the most vitriolic epithets for our politicians.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          As near as I can tell, every state has its moron quotient, some are just higher than others. California has douche nozzles like Duncan "let the Marines decide policy" Hunter, Darryl Issa and Dana Rohrabacher – not to mention being the spawning point for Ronnie Raygun's political career. Illinois has doofuses like Shimkus and now Kirk (last seen trying to claim he disarmed the shooter with his mind). Even NY has the dickhead Peter King. So we can all play.

        2. ChessieNefercat

          Oh, let's! One of those new-fangled virtual things! And, ooh, we can make it invitation only and password protected and all that stuff.

          Every now and again, someone can step out to take a break from laughing so hard, and drive the teatards nuts when we shake our heads and tell them they just wouldn't get it, and then go back in.

          Why, no, I've never been one of the party-going/having cool kids, why do you ask?

        3. ShaveTheWhales

          Can you give those of us who haven't been paying close enough attention a quick review of how come "Mattress Mary"? I'm old enough to comprehend Betty Boop.

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah I dunno, Brewer's got hoop dreams in terms of douchebaggery. She is the one who wants to cut state funding to 4,500 severe mental patients within a month of Gabby Giffords getting shot by a maniac. The timing alone of this decision along with her refusal to do anything to address Arizona's laughable gun laws to me..makes her the one asshole in the state…plus she loves the prison lobby longtime.

  9. jus_wonderin

    Guys don't be so hard on him. I am sure if he got into her office he'd make a shrine of the jagged piece of skull they removed from Gabby's head so he could remember her sacrifice…daily.

  10. awesome_dude

    Fuck you, Jesse Kelly. By your definition of masculinity (not mine, because I'm not an insecure shit) Gabby Giffords is more of a man than you.

  11. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hopefully Giffords recovers enough to run against this slob in the next election cycle. The cheap shots Jessie Kelly will be taking will surely be entertaining and disgusting.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Isn't this why if a congressperson (of any party) cannot complete their term in office, someone from the same party should either be specially elected or appointed?

      Otherwise we will indeed have "2nd amendment remedies" overturning elections. All that would be needed is a fanatic ready to sacrifice him/herself so that his/her party could get in.

      And I am not suggesting that it would be Democrats trying this horsepucky.

      Wouldn't we just be the kind of country we smugly read about in days of old where so-called "elections" were just for show, and the people with the guns actually decided who "won"?

        1. ChessieNefercat

          But please tell me I'm just being silly, right?

          My Friday night has been an evening of stardust and magic; how else to describe running up the electric and water bills trying to thaw my frozen water pipes.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Happily, despite the best efforts of Libertarians to turn us into Somalia, we're nowhere near that far gone yet. But it would make a good hook for a paperback…

  12. dr_giraud

    This Jesse "person" calls to mind some words Randy Newman put in God's mouth:

    "I recoil in horror/at the foulness of thee"

    1. Beowoof

      Well if you're singing Randy Newman I am sure jared is being serranaded with you have a friend in me, from Jesse Kelley.

  13. __kth__

    Dude's really taking creepy past the Cheney/Yoo line and into the Gary Glitter/John Phillips zone.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Nah, I have had it with the Peyton Place Hillbillies of Melrose Place and Housewives on the Jersey Shore.

      I would have added Married with Children but Peggy and Al were about 50 bazillion times classier than ol' Ice Crusted HooHaw and her Tawwwdy.

  14. Rotundo_

    Every time I think that the world o' politics has sunk to its lowest ebb, some enterprising guy like Jesse Kelly comes out of the woodwork (out from under the rocks?) and digs in a little deeper to prove that there isn't a depth too low for a politician to sink. While this pile of shit upholstered in skin seems like the current winner in the bottom feeder derby, we all know someone, somewhere, somehow will trump even this skeezy little act. More than likely with a (R) after their name when they win the race.

  15. bitchincamaro2

    Jesse, please. Even with half-a-brain, Gabbie's got you beat by something like 75%. Sit the fuck down.

  16. MissTaken

    And I'm sure he would love for her to be removed from Congress so her medical bills won't fall under the Federal health plan anymore. I do believe bullet through brain = preexisting condition.

    This guy is just looking to save some taxpayer $$.

  17. edgydrifter

    From the looks of him, I'm surprised he didn't sidle on over to Gifford's hospital room to see if he could score a little action.
    "Whoa, brah, check your hostile–she's already in bed! I'm just giving her some comfort, is all."

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "Nurse, that's five times I've found this jerk holding a mirror to my wife's nose."

      Hmm, I'll bet someone could get good old Jesse a ride on the last shuttle flight…

      "I must stay with my wife, so with no regrets I will step down from the shuttle flight. However, I have found a replacement for our external experiments on free-breathing in space."

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Slime molds are beautiful, complex, and fascinating to look at and study (really). Bryology is but a step away from mycology.

      Jesse, not so much.

    1. Sassomatic

      No no no. The point of the shooting was to score political points against the Right by trying to make them look bad for waving guns around and putting crosshairs on Congress people. And also to persecute Sarah Palin for drinking the blood of Christian babies.

  18. randomsausage

    You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the New West. You know – morons.

  19. DoktorZoom

    One might even say that, with this move, Kelly has shot himself in the foot.

    With an M-16, even.

  20. Sassomatic

    She's able to serve, I'm sure. I mean, if she can walk surely she can sit around doing balls all except symbolic shit that means nothing.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Well, ain't you just a reg'lar Charles Baker "Dill" Harris?

      (Insert "bustin' up an old chiffarobe" joke here)

    2. sati_demise

      It does not give any time frame. So theres that!
      I guess Brewer and her minions could make it anything they want.
      If Jesse K. paid them enough cold hard cash under the table.

      Hey, that is ALWAYS how AZ politics works.

    3. ChessieNefercat

      Oh please. Invoking the constitution doesn't (obviously) have anything to do with reading it, much less comprehending it.



    Hey, Jesse, why not schedule another teabagger campaign event where paunchy teabaggers shoot an assault rifle? Who can forget your pimp-release?

    "Get on Target for Victory in November Help remove Gabrielle Giffords from office Shot a fully automatic M15 with Jesse Kelly."

    Which goes to show you don't know your weapons… or your spelling… or your punctuation.

  22. FlipOffResearch

    With the whole country rooting for Giffords heroic recovery, we have this teabagger/Republican showing exactly what he's made of. Stay classy GOP.

  23. Not_So_Much

    Well, he has tremendous political sense. I suppose he'll do another fund-raiser at the gun range so people can fire an M-15?

    Fade away douchenozzle. Soon.

  24. DoktorZoom

    Predicted Talking Point: Well, after all, the minute she was released from the hospital in Tucson, Giffords abandoned her district to "go to rehab" in Texas, flying there on the government dime. Don't we want a representative who doesn't think he's too good for Arizona?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Hold a special election for a Democrat to keep Gabby's seat warm for the duration of the crisis.

    1. smellyal8tr

      No kiddin'. I'm surprised he didn't show up in front of his teevee to get sworn in by John Boehner and start serving the AZ-8.

  25. problemwithcaring

    This is just typical liberal bias. If the Democrats are looking into filling the seat, why can't Republicans do the same? Furthermore, to ensure absolute fairness, NASA should be required to consider a good conservative as a replacement for husband's mission this April.

    Trig — your country needs you.

    1. x111e7thst

      There you go again, raping St Sarah of the Snows precious tard with your mouth. Have you no shame sir/madam ?

    2. JustPixelz

      It's hard to decide which conservative astronaut would be the best choice. Sarah "Ursa Minor" Palin, Michele "Overdrive" Bachmann, Glenn "Space Cadet" Beck, James "Flat Earth" Inhoff, Ann "AC180" Coulter. Oh hell, send 'em all up there. I'm sure they can figure out how to back on their own. If not … my bad.

  26. MistaEko

    9th level of hell for the 8th state district's boy who should have rested on the 7th day but instead hoped Giffords was near her 6th foot under then took the 5th after putting forth campaign literature and getting the 3rd degree for seeking a 2nd amendment remedy to being 1st runner up.

  27. Limeylizzie

    OT but just read this

    Breaking News Alert: MSNBC, Olbermann parting ways
    January 21, 2011 9:09:16 PM

    MSNBC announced Friday night that it and provocative liberal talk-show host Keith Olbermann "have ended their contract." Olbermann announced at the end of his "Countdown" that it would be his final appearance. No reason for the split was given by either party.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Since you have a bee avatar and I keep bees (or watch them disappear, which happens more often than not) I'm following you. You're welcome.

        1. Beetagger

          My father was a beekeeper when I was a kid. Had a hive in my bedroomwith a glass face. I'll try not to disappoint.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      They're leaning forward without him? Or did Keith do something arrogant and they just said no. I wonder what they'll do with his time slot–just bump up everyone and give 9:00 to the Nation? What bothers me the most is how gleefully that dickwad O'Reilly et. al. will gloat. On the bright side, maybe David Schuster has an audition tape ready to go.

      This was truly sudden. I googled and couldn't find a damn thing except being cancelled in 2007. In that case, it makes this a very long, tortured process.

      1. jim89048

        According to HuffPo, Lawrence O'Donnel will move to Shouty Keith's slot. Lawrence can do a pretty good slow boil, too.

      2. Radiotherapy

        Good point DBB, not only has the political discourse lurched farther Right, but I can only imagine the celebration over at Breitfart right now. Fucking, fuckin', fuck and fuck.
        But I do like that Chris Hayes fellow.

    2. Radiotherapy

      I know KO gets mixed reviews here lizzie, but there can be little good about this. He's the only one with any significant forum that stood up to the Alaskunt, Billo, Innanity, Limbnuts etc. The fucking country, and any reasonable, articulate discourse, just winched a little farther Right.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I am a fan of Keith, mainly for the reasons you stated, I think he is a necessary voice, but if they give it to O'Donnell I will be fine with that, but we will feel the loss. I wonder what he wil do.

        1. Negropolis

          I don't know. People tended to think Keith was overbearing, and he could be, but he did have a sense of humor when he wanted to. I can't find anything redeeming about Larry. He's ALWAYS in serious mode, and his whole brow-beating the base with such vitriol and arrogance that he had to apologize to a few of this guests, one time, did it for me during the tax cut debate in the lame-duck.

    3. DustBowlBlues

      What happened to your avatar? Is this like fb, where you change your profile picture periodically?

        1. user-of-owls

          I love it, but am rather surprised you didn't go for Agent Rose, aka Andree Peel. More Gaulloisie than BBC-ie, as befits your underground identity, you subversive vamp.

    4. DustBowlBlues

      Fuck comcast indeed. Was he is contract negotiations? He can get a little self-righteous, but we liberals need that once in a while. We're always trying to be so fair, always seeing the other side, always giving the Rs a second chance and meanwhile they're just waiting until we're down so they can kick us again.

      Keith got that.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          As I said on my fb page just the other day, (in my continuing campaign to persuade any high school friends who mistakenly "friended" and are Republithugs to "unfriend me") Multinational corporations are the problem. They're the only real problem we've got. If not for them, the other problems would be easier to solve. I said that wrong. If not for the power they have to buy our politicians, then the other problems would be easier to solve.

          They came for Keith today. Will it be "our" the wonket tomorrow? And to think: I've never worked up the courage to use buttsecks on the wonket. Oops, I did it. Guess they can take us down now.

          ed note: I only check fb once a week, in an attempt to keep up with my much-traveled daughter the union organizer. And I have been zealous in never, ever, buying anything nor even linking to anything advertised on fb. The mind games they play trying to sell me shit really piss me off.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            Your daughter's a union organizer? That is fantastic! I try to use facebook to put up pictures of the grandkids, and to keep track of what far-flung friends and family are up to, but every time I try, I have to hide whatever the latest 50 games are everyone's playing.

          2. DustBowlBlues

            Your response showed up in my inbox. I glanced at the subject line, since I'd commented on more than one story. Our back and forth regarding children and grandchildren came under the heading, "AZ Shooting Opens 8 D For Some Dude" or something like that. Only on the wonket.

            Go to one of the menu thingies and block anyone who sends you game shit. (ON fb, that is).

  28. CogitoErgoBibo

    Anderson Cooper is already spinning conspiracy theories. To paraphrase: "Zucker AND KO out in the same week the Comcast/NBC deal is approved? Things that make you go 'Hmmmm'."

  29. DustBowlBlues

    I wonder if there will be any liberal outrage at this or if we'll all just go on about our business and thinking how nice it is that Republithugs and Democrats are going to mix and mingle at the SOTU.

    A note before I said nitey: Bill Maher was good tonight, except for having that shouty dickwad Steve Moore on it. But next week he has two conservatives, at least, by my count and his show is never funny when he tries for "balance" because, as we all know, they're not as smart as we are and only smart people are actually funny. Conservatards are either too earnest or too angry or too shouty or a combination of the three. But never, ever funny. The closest they come is mean, like Ann Coulter. Maybe that's why Huckabee seems human from time to time, because he can laugh, at least somewhat.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      That shouty turd ruined the show for me. Go ahead and have the opposition on for some great, challenging discussion but he did nothing but yap moronic bumperstickers.

      His "facts" all sounded as though his idea of research is carefully collecting, collating, distilling, cutting, pasting, and puking back every whitehair teatard chain email that's been circulating since the Kenyan usurper stole the election.

  30. Barbara_i

    I'd call him the worst person in the world if I weren't so bummed about Olbermann getting fired tonight. That phrase has lost its luster.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      I would be very surprised if Keith gets successfully muzzled.

      In the meanwhile, Sister Rachel will be keeping the faith. She's like Keith with more finesse and leaner prose.

      1. V572625694

        True enough but I kind of liked Keith's H.V. Kaltenborn (Google it, Youngs!) stentorian style, which he would do with some self-mocking sense of how phony it was. Won't miss the Thurber readings, though.

    2. Negropolis

      I want him to show up at CNN and turn that arrogant bitch upside down, but I suspect he'll do a Conan and go all basic cable on our asses. Either way, he's not gone for long.

  31. ChessieNefercat

    Wonderful idea, and he could take Joe Miller, the Alaskan crab queen, and anyone else wearing guns, cowboy boots and hats that would run screaming from an actual horsie with him. Fuck y'all and the horsies you ran from.

  32. larrymcawful

    Help me out here. Is this a case of buzzards circling potential carrion in the desert, or is it vultures?

  33. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Remember the MSNBC suspension?

    On October 28, 2010, days before the 2010 U.S. elections, Keith Olbermann donated $2,400 each to three Democratic candidates for Congress.

    One of them was Gabrielle Giffords.

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