LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT  4:59 pm January 21, 2011

Woman Getting Shot Through the Brain Opens Up AZ-8 For Dude

by Jack Stuef

Like a pro.Unfortunately for Gabrielle Giffords’ 2010 midterm opponent, Teabagger Jesse Kelly, just as he was about to announce another run against her in the next election, Giffords was shot through the head at point-blank range when she was out serving her constituents. Fiddlesticks! What bad luck! Kelly canceled the announcement. But say Jesse Kelly had this friend, right? And this friend was wondering what would happen to Giffords’ seat in Congress. She’s not, uh, she’s not using it right now, right? Whoops: “Yesterday’s item about Jesse Kelly exploring a special election for the CD8 seat in the wake of Giffords’ shooting created waves in Tucson political circles.”

This is how Kelly canceled his campaign:

“Everything’s been cancelled. Everything’s on hold. We just don’t want to discuss politics at a time like this,” Kelly’s campaign spokesman, John Ellinwood, said.

And this is how he went about seeing, uh, a new, you know — if she can’t — what’s the, you know, uh:

Attorney Lee Miller, who serves as legal counsel for the Arizona Republican Party, told our reporter Kelly’s campaign contacted him earlier this week to find out how the seat would be filled if Giffords couldn’t serve.

Enough of this silly little tiptoeing. If a member of Congress gets shot during his or her term, the seat should go to the next-closest vote-getter from the previous election. This was Sharron Angle’s strategy, after all, and now she’s just sitting around at home in her sweats watching The Price Is Right and crappy 80′s movies all day. Let’s cheer her up. [Ben Smith]

 
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{ 217 comments }

JadedDissonance January 21, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I'm not sure what stimulated me more about this article, the actual events discussed within it, or Jack's incredible stenography work.

weejee January 21, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Jesse Kelly is 100% pure asshole; round, red, and stained about the edges

GOPCrusher January 21, 2011 at 5:34 pm

If they had a special election to fill her seat, would he actually have the cajones to run for it, after his previous campaign hijinks?

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 6:00 pm

He'd be gunning for that seat! He'd have it in his sights! He'd take his best shot, and blow the competition away! Anyone foolish enough to run against him would be cut down ruthlessly and left a bullet-riddled corpse, bleeding on the ground from thousands of…uh…votes.

sati_demise January 21, 2011 at 7:05 pm

oh yea….
I see another 'shoot the machine' gun fund raising event!

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I'm shocked, shocked, that you failed to mention that after his humiliating defeat, he didn't retreat; he reloaded and is ready to exercise his second amendment rights to protect the whitest people in Arizona.

Jukesgrrl January 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Are you kidding me? Talk around Tucson was, he fully expected to be appointed by the governor when he happily assumed Gabby wouldn't recover sufficiently to continue.

She won by fewer than 4,000 votes and he had a 3-to-1 lead in some of the suburbs. He didn't even concede until days after the election. And when he did, he thanked "the thousands of warriors who fought with me in this campaign" and declared his near-win to be a victory for America. Unlike Gabby he never campaigned on a platform of representing Tucson, but rather representing the tea party nationwide. Much like Miller in Alaska, the voters he was campaigning to represent were the last thing on his mind.

Jesse Kelly is an insufferable jerk, but many Tucsonans love their guns more than they love intelligence or job qualifications. They saw no hypocrisy in Kelly campaigning against Federal stimulus projects while his family business makes a fortune off them. Gabby better get well, or he has a good chance of taking her seat. His babbling about the Constitution, Second Amendment "rights," and hatred of our president is still a popular song around these parts.

sati_demise January 21, 2011 at 7:08 pm

ack, gacugh I am choking……..air, I need air!

water
smelling salts
shot of whiskey

god this is a fucked up place

Joey_Ratz January 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

I thought Brewer would just appoint him as Giffords' successor as well. By pushing the issue and contacting Miller, Kelly has shown himself to be even stupider than I thought (which is saying a lot).

My pet theory is that he lost because of his staggering lack of charisma. With a face and voice like his, anything is an uphill struggle. If the repugs can find a guy who doesn't sound and look like he got whacked hard and often in the back of the head as a baby, I think they'll win the next election here, no matter if Giffords recovers.

Negropolis January 21, 2011 at 8:40 pm

He looks like a giant baby.

trampndirtdown January 21, 2011 at 10:46 pm

I actually agree with the part about "his near-win" sorry but you lost douche being a victory for America.

Terry January 21, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Especially his wee facination with guns, or rather photos of himself with guns.

Radiotherapy January 21, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Red asshole, with white splatter, and a blue thrombosed hemorrhoid.

Walkinwiddaking January 22, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Sounds like the perfect candidate.

Dimitrios_M January 22, 2011 at 8:13 pm

I believe the only seat Jesse Kelly is intellectually qualified to fill is a commode..

seppdecker January 21, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Looks like he's announcing his run in an Olive Garden. Bet he showed up at 3:30 so he could court the early bird Tea Party vote.

Radiotherapy January 21, 2011 at 6:26 pm

I was thinking nursing home cafe.

Terry January 21, 2011 at 10:25 pm

He was probably passing out coupons to curry favor.

trampndirtdown January 21, 2011 at 10:47 pm

No curry it's too spicy.

OC_Surf_Serf January 21, 2011 at 11:23 pm

a Waffle House would have the just the Right ambiance

Negropolis January 22, 2011 at 12:37 am

I love, love, love Waffle House when I'm in the South, and their ancient, pack-an-hour, gravely-voiced waitresses with their Southern Hospitality who compliment me on my Northern 'accent'. I also like that the kitchen is right there out in the open, so you can see if the overweight cook spits in your eggs. As a minority, the open kitchen is important to me.

Y'all come back now, ya' hear? Don't worry, Flo, I'll always be back. Always.

RedneckMuslin January 21, 2011 at 5:07 pm

If we knew what Sarah thought would make this story funny.

SorosBot January 21, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Jesse, what you just did has probably made sure that you will never win an election in that district again.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 6:40 pm

One might even say that, with this move, Kelly has shot himself in the foot.

With an M-16, even.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Or Arizonians (is that even a word?) are as stupid as Oklahomans, who love the Teabag rhetoric which is very much like Timothy McVeigh's philosophy. They're stupid, and, as stupid people are, tone deaf to simple things like, well, like common human decency.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 9:59 pm

"Arizonan" is the preferred nomenclature, Dude.

WriteyWriterton January 22, 2011 at 5:16 pm

The preferred-to-preferred-nomenclature is Teh Stupid. I don't want them moving north and east when they run out of water in 10 years, either. I vote they stay there.

Who's with me?!

ShaveTheWhales January 24, 2011 at 9:46 am

Perhaps for Arizonans. (Arizonans? Really?)

But for the rest of us, I believe "Zonies" works pretty well.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 21, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Arizona wingnuts.

Not gonna let themselves be shown up by Texass or Alasska in the no-class department.
~

sati_demise January 21, 2011 at 7:09 pm

You can't spell crazy without AZ.

State motto

OC_Surf_Serf January 21, 2011 at 11:25 pm

along with "it's a dry heat"

Negropolis January 22, 2011 at 12:47 am

I hear Hell also has a very dry heat.

WriteyWriterton January 22, 2011 at 5:17 pm

If only. It's wet heat, and everyone's wearing wool. Ask Roy Cohn.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 8:19 pm

I feel obligated to mention Oklahoma again, since any discussion of no-class states is lacking if we don't get one in there. By the way (I'm not sure you kids realized it, but that's what BTW means) what happened to that sweet okie who chimed in on, what was it, I believe the Flaming Lips and state rock song fiasco, claiming that there were lots of very good people in OK, and we aren't all as bad as the wonkeratti were saying and that everyone was being very unfair.

I replied that this person should just go ahead and admit that the vast majority of our population have had their heads so far up their asses for so long that their faces are pimply from lack of sunshine and quit defending the indefensible. Evidently, my common sense approach to the nonsensical didn't work so hot because that person seems to have disappeared, unless s/he/it cane back as meta-negative pees guy. Except I doubt you could get that funny that fast.

Whatever–Arizona might as well be in the Bible belt they're so stoopid, except they seem to have as many Catholics as they do evangelitards, and I don't know what that says about them. Other than lots of browns, of course.

trampndirtdown January 21, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Don't get too down Dusty, in beautiful North Idaho today the idiot neo-nazis were protesting the taco wagon across the street from my work, that is until a car sped by and splashed slush on them and they had to go home. Evidently protecting the white homeland can only be done with dry clothes.

sati_demise January 22, 2011 at 11:30 am

Well, the neo nazis are actually in office here in Arizona! From Nazi flags to the state house!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqSSLj5C_C0

threatening judges as usual…..

V572625694 January 21, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Sharron Angle just "sitting around at home in her sweats watching The Price Is Right and crappy 80′s movies all day"? I don't think so! She's out on the pistol range sharpening up her 2nd Amendment skills. And with those big, big magazines, she spends a lot less time re-loading.

Lascauxcaveman January 21, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Since when does a vulture care that he looks like a vulture? Run, Jesse, run!

(asshole)

SayItWithWookies January 21, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Shame on the lamestream media for portraying Kelly's legitimate concern for our Constitution as though it were just petty, ghoulish grabbiness. But while we're on the subject, does her office have a window, and is it reasonably close to the cafeteria?

jus_wonderin January 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Hope she has one of those Herman Miller Aeron Chairs. Please, let it be True Black.

bitchincamaro2 January 21, 2011 at 5:49 pm

True Black? Wouldn't that be a Herman Cain Chair?

problemwithcaring January 21, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Measure the drapes! Measure the drapes!

PsycWench January 21, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Make sure the air conditioning works. I hear that D.C. has this thing called "humidity" and it will stale your crackers before your eyes.

BZ1 January 22, 2011 at 11:33 am

Again, if it's snark, use "lamestream", if not, then shame on you.

Pragmatist2 January 21, 2011 at 5:12 pm

If they had to hold a special election, they would just have to hold another one the next day because Mr. Kelly is obviously brain dead.

NorthStarSpanx January 21, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Even with brain matter missing from her skull that now looks like puzzle pieces, and given that her mental and physical abilities are still to be determined – the Congresswoman is still preferable to this douche-bag.

WriteyWriterton January 22, 2011 at 5:19 pm

She's still smarter, too.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 8:30 pm

But he's a Republithug. Brain dead is an asset.

Boojum_Reborn January 24, 2011 at 6:59 am

Seriously, I don't get why he thinks he would be more capable than she is. I mean, at least she once had a fully functioning brain.

Clancy_Pants January 21, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Even the Az. Repubs must think this guy is a douchebag. If the legal counsel for the party lets this slip they must want to see him self-immolate.

douche bag –noun

1. The bag forming part of a douche (A small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas).

2. Slang a contemptible person. See Jesse Kelly.

widestanceroman January 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Not so much an exit wound as an opportunity to explore candidacy viability going forward, right?

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Exit Wound strategy?

genxr January 21, 2011 at 5:31 pm

When God closes a door, he opens an exit wound

Silversmith January 21, 2011 at 5:56 pm

You're in the PR biz, right? Well done.

Gunner Asch January 21, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door; but 'tis enough, will do.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 6:30 pm

A plague o' both thy legislative houses!

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Great. English majors at it again.

Sophist/Glock Palin January 21, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Well, what else are their degrees good for?

undeterredbyreality January 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm

And that iPad she's using–I bet it's government issue. I want it right now!

KochFembot January 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Will someone please write "TOO SOON?" on his forehead with a Sharpie?

transfatz January 21, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Will someone please write "TOO SOON?" on his forehead with a Sharpie Glock.

sati_demise January 21, 2011 at 7:11 pm

oh snap.
or whatever the sound a gun makes when the safety is clicked off

guangho January 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Too soon.

JustPixelz January 21, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Perhaps a surveyor's mark on his forehead would be easier for him to understand. It would remind him of all the "voters" in Arizona.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Is that meant to be sarcasatic, or are you Sarah Palin?

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 12:20 am

Couldn't be the shrieking weasel. Multi-syllabic words and reasonable (earth-based) grammar. Second sentence logically follows first.

WriteyWriterton January 22, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Correct punctuation, Also. (But not here, no.)

DeeJayKitteh January 21, 2011 at 5:19 pm

He puts the "special" in "special election."

nounverb911 January 21, 2011 at 5:25 pm

and "special" education.

twaingirl January 21, 2011 at 6:30 pm

hey now, lumping him in with those special needs students is a downright insult to them.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Okay, okay, I'm now following you because you're window wouldn't go away.

PLUS–note to the no-profile wonkeratti–your profile was a funny one.

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 10:22 am

Is that why those windows won't go away? It means we should follow the window-won't -go-away person? Well, okay. I'm generally pretty docile. I can get on board with this.

Extemporanus January 21, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Hey dude, it's worth a shot, right?

hollywooddood January 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Oh no you didn't.

guangho January 21, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Trust me Jesse is gunning for Gabby.

imissopus January 21, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Tough to make yourself look like the biggest Republican douche bag in a state that boasts John McCain and Ben Quayle in its congressional delegation. And Jon Kyl. And Jan Brewer in the governor's mansion. In fact, the more I type, the more I'm impressed by his taking the douche bag crown.

GOPCrusher January 21, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Even J.D. Hayworth has be seeing this and thinking "DAYUM!".

neiltheblaze January 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm

You gotta admit, as a state delegation, it's an impressive list of truly first class loonies. They're going for the Gold in that particular special olympics. Look out Kentucky.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 6:04 pm

"I thought I was the Douchebag King
But I just handed my Ass Hat crown to him!"

sati_demise January 21, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I hate Kyl with the heat of a thousand suns.

imissopus January 21, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Which, ironically, is how hot Arizona feels on a normal day.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 8:40 pm

That's how I feel about our new guv, No-Neck Betty Boop Mattress Mary Fallin. Too bad those of us who live in states as retarded as ours can't have a special wonkette convention where we would hold a contest on who can come up with the most vitriolic epithets for our politicians.

BerkeleyBear January 21, 2011 at 10:49 pm

As near as I can tell, every state has its moron quotient, some are just higher than others. California has douche nozzles like Duncan "let the Marines decide policy" Hunter, Darryl Issa and Dana Rohrabacher – not to mention being the spawning point for Ronnie Raygun's political career. Illinois has doofuses like Shimkus and now Kirk (last seen trying to claim he disarmed the shooter with his mind). Even NY has the dickhead Peter King. So we can all play.

trampndirtdown January 21, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Agreed every state has their quotient but look poor Dusty has really got it bad, Boren is about the only bright spot and that is cold comfort to say the least.

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 10:26 am

Oh, let's! One of those new-fangled virtual things! And, ooh, we can make it invitation only and password protected and all that stuff.

Every now and again, someone can step out to take a break from laughing so hard, and drive the teatards nuts when we shake our heads and tell them they just wouldn't get it, and then go back in.

Why, no, I've never been one of the party-going/having cool kids, why do you ask?

ShaveTheWhales January 24, 2011 at 9:49 am

Can you give those of us who haven't been paying close enough attention a quick review of how come "Mattress Mary"? I'm old enough to comprehend Betty Boop.

Lost_Teabaggers January 22, 2011 at 12:26 am

Yeah I dunno, Brewer's got hoop dreams in terms of douchebaggery. She is the one who wants to cut state funding to 4,500 severe mental patients within a month of Gabby Giffords getting shot by a maniac. The timing alone of this decision along with her refusal to do anything to address Arizona's laughable gun laws to me..makes her the one asshole in the state…plus she loves the prison lobby longtime.

jus_wonderin January 21, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Guys don't be so hard on him. I am sure if he got into her office he'd make a shrine of the jagged piece of skull they removed from Gabby's head so he could remember her sacrifice…daily.

Rotundo_ January 21, 2011 at 5:41 pm

He'd use it as a back scratcher.

Tommmcatt January 21, 2011 at 6:20 pm

he could remember her sacrifice…daily…

…with hand creme….and kleenex….

the_problem_child January 21, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Hey, she's going to need that shard back, for sunblock purposes!

awesome_dude January 21, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Fuck you, Jesse Kelly. By your definition of masculinity (not mine, because I'm not an insecure shit) Gabby Giffords is more of a man than you.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 21, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Hopefully Giffords recovers enough to run against this slob in the next election cycle. The cheap shots Jessie Kelly will be taking will surely be entertaining and disgusting.

genxr January 21, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I see a path for Republicans taking the Senate.

ChessieNefercat January 21, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Isn't this why if a congressperson (of any party) cannot complete their term in office, someone from the same party should either be specially elected or appointed?

Otherwise we will indeed have "2nd amendment remedies" overturning elections. All that would be needed is a fanatic ready to sacrifice him/herself so that his/her party could get in.

And I am not suggesting that it would be Democrats trying this horsepucky.

Wouldn't we just be the kind of country we smugly read about in days of old where so-called "elections" were just for show, and the people with the guns actually decided who "won"?

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Very serious for a Friday night. And a pretty grim scenario.

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 12:25 am

But please tell me I'm just being silly, right?

My Friday night has been an evening of stardust and magic; how else to describe running up the electric and water bills trying to thaw my frozen water pipes.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Happily, despite the best efforts of Libertarians to turn us into Somalia, we're nowhere near that far gone yet. But it would make a good hook for a paperback…

dr_giraud January 21, 2011 at 5:36 pm

This Jesse "person" calls to mind some words Randy Newman put in God's mouth:

"I recoil in horror/at the foulness of thee"

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 6:10 pm

"We're rednecks, we're rednecks,
Don't know our ass from a hole in the ground"

bumfug January 21, 2011 at 7:50 pm

"We're rednecks, we're rednecks,
We're keepin' the NRGs down."

Beowoof January 21, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Well if you're singing Randy Newman I am sure jared is being serranaded with you have a friend in me, from Jesse Kelley.

bumfug January 22, 2011 at 1:08 am

If he doesn't have a friend in him yet he will soon.

__kth__ January 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Dude's really taking creepy past the Cheney/Yoo line and into the Gary Glitter/John Phillips zone.

Worthly Wokette Skum January 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Run, Bristol, Run!

sati_demise January 21, 2011 at 7:13 pm

no please, anything but that. she would probably win and then your life would suck TOO.

ChessieNefercat January 21, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Nah, I have had it with the Peyton Place Hillbillies of Melrose Place and Housewives on the Jersey Shore.

I would have added Married with Children but Peggy and Al were about 50 bazillion times classier than ol' Ice Crusted HooHaw and her Tawwwdy.

WriteyWriterton January 22, 2011 at 5:25 pm

"…ol' Ice Crusted HooHaw…" says it all.

Rotundo_ January 21, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Every time I think that the world o' politics has sunk to its lowest ebb, some enterprising guy like Jesse Kelly comes out of the woodwork (out from under the rocks?) and digs in a little deeper to prove that there isn't a depth too low for a politician to sink. While this pile of shit upholstered in skin seems like the current winner in the bottom feeder derby, we all know someone, somewhere, somehow will trump even this skeezy little act. More than likely with a (R) after their name when they win the race.

bitchincamaro2 January 21, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Jesse, please. Even with half-a-brain, Gabbie's got you beat by something like 75%. Sit the fuck down.

sati_demise January 21, 2011 at 7:14 pm

truer words were never spoken

ChessieNefercat January 21, 2011 at 7:44 pm

"Sit the fuck down."
And shut up.

MissTaken January 21, 2011 at 5:46 pm

And I'm sure he would love for her to be removed from Congress so her medical bills won't fall under the Federal health plan anymore. I do believe bullet through brain = preexisting condition.

This guy is just looking to save some taxpayer $$.

ChessieNefercat January 21, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Heartwarming, isn't he?

edgydrifter January 21, 2011 at 5:46 pm

From the looks of him, I'm surprised he didn't sidle on over to Gifford's hospital room to see if he could score a little action.
"Whoa, brah, check your hostile–she's already in bed! I'm just giving her some comfort, is all."

ChessieNefercat January 21, 2011 at 7:49 pm

"Nurse, that's five times I've found this jerk holding a mirror to my wife's nose."

Hmm, I'll bet someone could get good old Jesse a ride on the last shuttle flight…

"I must stay with my wife, so with no regrets I will step down from the shuttle flight. However, I have found a replacement for our external experiments on free-breathing in space."

Beowoof January 21, 2011 at 11:26 pm

If that were the case, then I would hope Gabby would give him some of that Kill Bill style action.

BTWBFDIMHO January 21, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Time for The Sarah to upload the crosshairs map once again.

Beowoof January 21, 2011 at 11:27 pm

She has to wait for her dad to come over and point the gun for her.

Ducksworthy January 21, 2011 at 5:50 pm

There are many many slime molds with more character than Jesse Kelley.

ChessieNefercat January 21, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Slime molds are beautiful, complex, and fascinating to look at and study (really). Bryology is but a step away from mycology.

Jesse, not so much.

glamourdammerung January 21, 2011 at 5:57 pm

As I stated before, I thought that was the whole point of the shooting.

Sassomatic January 21, 2011 at 6:21 pm

No no no. The point of the shooting was to score political points against the Right by trying to make them look bad for waving guns around and putting crosshairs on Congress people. And also to persecute Sarah Palin for drinking the blood of Christian babies.

transfatz January 21, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Vultures in Arizona? Who knew?

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 12:32 am

Now we need a talented cartoonist to draw the circling Republican vultures…

PeaceWithHonor January 21, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Douchalicious!

smokefilledroommate January 21, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Have you no fucking shame? Honestly.

LionelHutzEsq January 21, 2011 at 7:08 pm

He's a Republican. So, No.

Come here a minute January 21, 2011 at 6:13 pm

This is why every U.S. Representative should be armed with a gay Mexican intern.

trampndirtdown January 21, 2011 at 11:12 pm

They aren't?

fuflans January 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm

tool.

randomsausage January 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm

You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the New West. You know – morons.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 21, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Morons, eh? Is that the same as the Church of Latter Day Shmendricks?

WhatTheHolyHeck January 24, 2011 at 12:58 pm

I'm so tired*.

*Of these narcissistic cunts on the right thinking we all owe them a favor.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 6:17 pm

One might even say that, with this move, Kelly has shot himself in the foot.

With an M-16, even.

Sassomatic January 21, 2011 at 6:19 pm

She's able to serve, I'm sure. I mean, if she can walk surely she can sit around doing balls all except symbolic shit that means nothing.

Beanball January 21, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I don't supposed that it ever occurred to this colostomy pump that he could learn the state senator replacement procedure by reading the Arizona state constitution, wadya think?

Arizona constitution, Article 7, Section 17.

I just Googled it. Took less than 60 seconds.

On the other hand, I know how to read.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Well, ain't you just a reg'lar Charles Baker "Dill" Harris?

(Insert "bustin' up an old chiffarobe" joke here)

problemwithcaring January 21, 2011 at 7:04 pm

"On the other hand, I know how to read."

Fucking Wonkett elitist.

sati_demise January 21, 2011 at 7:18 pm

It does not give any time frame. So theres that!
WTF
I guess Brewer and her minions could make it anything they want.
If Jesse K. paid them enough cold hard cash under the table.

Hey, that is ALWAYS how AZ politics works.

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 12:35 am

Oh please. Invoking the constitution doesn't (obviously) have anything to do with reading it, much less comprehending it.

Leetist.

WALLYPIP January 21, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Hey, Jesse, why not schedule another teabagger campaign event where paunchy teabaggers shoot an assault rifle? Who can forget your pimp-release?

"Get on Target for Victory in November Help remove Gabrielle Giffords from office Shot a fully automatic M15 with Jesse Kelly."

Which goes to show you don't know your weapons… or your spelling… or your punctuation.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 6:38 pm

How do I shot web AR-15?

Radiotherapy January 21, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Too soon?

weejee January 21, 2011 at 6:39 pm

OT – WSJ says Giuliani is eying 2012 iffin' Sarah Palin runs.

What this shit? Does he want someone else prone to wearing a dress up on the dais in Iowa? With Bachmann jumping in, will the GOP have a twitter twating hat trick with Alaskunt, Minnecunt, and 9-11cunt?

trampndirtdown January 21, 2011 at 11:17 pm

If it's to be a twitter contest i vote Grampa Cornpants early and often.

FlipOffResearch January 21, 2011 at 6:41 pm

With the whole country rooting for Giffords heroic recovery, we have this teabagger/Republican showing exactly what he's made of. Stay classy GOP.

Not_So_Much January 21, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Well, he has tremendous political sense. I suppose he'll do another fund-raiser at the gun range so people can fire an M-15?

Fade away douchenozzle. Soon.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Predicted Talking Point: Well, after all, the minute she was released from the hospital in Tucson, Giffords abandoned her district to "go to rehab" in Texas, flying there on the government dime. Don't we want a representative who doesn't think he's too good for Arizona?

WriteyWriterton January 22, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Anyone with a moral code and IQ above room temperature is too good for Arizona.

Radiotherapy January 21, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Jesse Kelly is just what the Tucson Teabaggers have been praying for.

joobajooba January 21, 2011 at 6:53 pm

No sweat. Gabby will vaporize him with her iPad.

Guppy06 January 21, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Just hold a special election for someone to warm Giffords' seat "for the duration of the crisis."

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 10:36 am

Hold a special election for a Democrat to keep Gabby's seat warm for the duration of the crisis.

LionelHutzEsq January 21, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Missed it by that much.

LionelHutzEsq January 21, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Actually, by Republican standards, that was rather sweet.

smellyal8tr January 22, 2011 at 6:40 pm

No kiddin'. I'm surprised he didn't show up in front of his teevee to get sworn in by John Boehner and start serving the AZ-8.

problemwithcaring January 21, 2011 at 7:17 pm

This is just typical liberal bias. If the Democrats are looking into filling the seat, why can't Republicans do the same? Furthermore, to ensure absolute fairness, NASA should be required to consider a good conservative as a replacement for husband's mission this April.

Trig — your country needs you.

x111e7thst January 21, 2011 at 9:11 pm

There you go again, raping St Sarah of the Snows precious tard with your mouth. Have you no shame sir/madam ?

JustPixelz January 21, 2011 at 10:32 pm

It's hard to decide which conservative astronaut would be the best choice. Sarah "Ursa Minor" Palin, Michele "Overdrive" Bachmann, Glenn "Space Cadet" Beck, James "Flat Earth" Inhoff, Ann "AC180" Coulter. Oh hell, send 'em all up there. I'm sure they can figure out how to back on their own. If not … my bad.

sati_demise January 21, 2011 at 7:20 pm

You forget, Jan 'beheaded bodies Brewer is in charge.

Any fucking thing can happen.

rocktonsam January 21, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Jesse has a much a bigger hole in his head, since birth, also.

imissopus January 21, 2011 at 7:45 pm

But let's remember, people: liberals are horrible sacks of shit for in any way POLITICIZING this shooting.

MistaEko January 21, 2011 at 8:06 pm

9th level of hell for the 8th state district's boy who should have rested on the 7th day but instead hoped Giffords was near her 6th foot under then took the 5th after putting forth campaign literature and getting the 3rd degree for seeking a 2nd amendment remedy to being 1st runner up.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 10:00 pm

That is ironic, considering tonight's cancellation of "Countdown."

MistaEko January 21, 2011 at 10:52 pm

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

…all of this….has been my fault

comrad_darkness January 22, 2011 at 9:53 am

Huh, is there a name for this genre? numeradiscourse or something?

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 9:03 pm

WTF? Why didn't I know Keith O was leaving? Was this voluntary?

DashboardBuddha January 21, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Are you gonna jump in my grave that fast?

Limeylizzie January 21, 2011 at 9:18 pm

OT but just read this

—————————————-
Breaking News Alert: MSNBC, Olbermann parting ways
January 21, 2011 9:09:16 PM
—————————————-

MSNBC announced Friday night that it and provocative liberal talk-show host Keith Olbermann "have ended their contract." Olbermann announced at the end of his "Countdown" that it would be his final appearance. No reason for the split was given by either party.

Beetagger January 21, 2011 at 9:20 pm

What the what? That was sudden… I guess he's not Comcastic enough.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Since you have a bee avatar and I keep bees (or watch them disappear, which happens more often than not) I'm following you. You're welcome.

Beetagger January 21, 2011 at 10:10 pm

My father was a beekeeper when I was a kid. Had a hive in my bedroomwith a glass face. I'll try not to disappoint.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 9:37 pm

They're leaning forward without him? Or did Keith do something arrogant and they just said no. I wonder what they'll do with his time slot–just bump up everyone and give 9:00 to the Nation? What bothers me the most is how gleefully that dickwad O'Reilly et. al. will gloat. On the bright side, maybe David Schuster has an audition tape ready to go.

This was truly sudden. I googled and couldn't find a damn thing except being cancelled in 2007. In that case, it makes this a very long, tortured process.

jim89048 January 21, 2011 at 9:49 pm

According to HuffPo, Lawrence O'Donnel will move to Shouty Keith's slot. Lawrence can do a pretty good slow boil, too.

Radiotherapy January 21, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Good point DBB, not only has the political discourse lurched farther Right, but I can only imagine the celebration over at Breitfart right now. Fucking, fuckin', fuck and fuck.
But I do like that Chris Hayes fellow.

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2011 at 10:40 pm

David, "your welcome", Schuster ?

Radiotherapy January 21, 2011 at 9:43 pm

I know KO gets mixed reviews here lizzie, but there can be little good about this. He's the only one with any significant forum that stood up to the Alaskunt, Billo, Innanity, Limbnuts etc. The fucking country, and any reasonable, articulate discourse, just winched a little farther Right.

Limeylizzie January 21, 2011 at 9:51 pm

I am a fan of Keith, mainly for the reasons you stated, I think he is a necessary voice, but if they give it to O'Donnell I will be fine with that, but we will feel the loss. I wonder what he wil do.

Negropolis January 22, 2011 at 12:45 am

I don't know. People tended to think Keith was overbearing, and he could be, but he did have a sense of humor when he wanted to. I can't find anything redeeming about Larry. He's ALWAYS in serious mode, and his whole brow-beating the base with such vitriol and arrogance that he had to apologize to a few of this guests, one time, did it for me during the tax cut debate in the lame-duck.

DoktorZoom January 21, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Gosh, thanks, Comcast.

Wait, I mean, fuck Comcast.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 9:53 pm

What happened to your avatar? Is this like fb, where you change your profile picture periodically?

Limeylizzie January 21, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Just a change for the New Year!

user-of-owls January 21, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I love it, but am rather surprised you didn't go for Agent Rose, aka Andree Peel. More Gaulloisie than BBC-ie, as befits your underground identity, you subversive vamp.

Radiotherapy January 21, 2011 at 11:17 pm

The system is definitely Rigged.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Fuck comcast indeed. Was he is contract negotiations? He can get a little self-righteous, but we liberals need that once in a while. We're always trying to be so fair, always seeing the other side, always giving the Rs a second chance and meanwhile they're just waiting until we're down so they can kick us again.

Dems=Good
Republithugs=Bad
Keith got that.

AddHomonym January 21, 2011 at 9:59 pm

So who takes his place as the supposed EXACT polar opposite of Hanniglenn O'Rushbeck?

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Jesus

SudsMcKenzie January 21, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Forget it Keith
This is Kabletown

MistaEko January 21, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Middle of a Democratic Presidency
the biggest liberal voice gets shitcanned
only in cable news

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 11:08 pm

As I said on my fb page just the other day, (in my continuing campaign to persuade any high school friends who mistakenly "friended" and are Republithugs to "unfriend me") Multinational corporations are the problem. They're the only real problem we've got. If not for them, the other problems would be easier to solve. I said that wrong. If not for the power they have to buy our politicians, then the other problems would be easier to solve.

They came for Keith today. Will it be "our" the wonket tomorrow? And to think: I've never worked up the courage to use buttsecks on the wonket. Oops, I did it. Guess they can take us down now.

ed note: I only check fb once a week, in an attempt to keep up with my much-traveled daughter the union organizer. And I have been zealous in never, ever, buying anything nor even linking to anything advertised on fb. The mind games they play trying to sell me shit really piss me off.

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 10:42 am

Your daughter's a union organizer? That is fantastic! I try to use facebook to put up pictures of the grandkids, and to keep track of what far-flung friends and family are up to, but every time I try, I have to hide whatever the latest 50 games are everyone's playing.

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 12:39 am

Sure explains the last couple 30 Rock episodes.

Troubledog January 21, 2011 at 9:23 pm

I don't trust motherfuckers with two first names.

Negropolis January 21, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Where did Bristol move to, again…?

CogitoErgoBibo January 21, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Anderson Cooper is already spinning conspiracy theories. To paraphrase: "Zucker AND KO out in the same week the Comcast/NBC deal is approved? Things that make you go 'Hmmmm'."

Terry January 21, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Perhaps Jesse is trying to make She Who Will Remain Nameless look better by comparison.

Negropolis January 22, 2011 at 12:35 am

Tara Faleen?

user-of-owls January 21, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Fill Holes! Not Seats!

mrblifil January 21, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Cheer up Jesse, you're the new frontrunner for the 8 PM slot on MSNBC.

DustBowlBlues January 21, 2011 at 11:16 pm

I wonder if there will be any liberal outrage at this or if we'll all just go on about our business and thinking how nice it is that Republithugs and Democrats are going to mix and mingle at the SOTU.

A note before I said nitey: Bill Maher was good tonight, except for having that shouty dickwad Steve Moore on it. But next week he has two conservatives, at least, by my count and his show is never funny when he tries for "balance" because, as we all know, they're not as smart as we are and only smart people are actually funny. Conservatards are either too earnest or too angry or too shouty or a combination of the three. But never, ever funny. The closest they come is mean, like Ann Coulter. Maybe that's why Huckabee seems human from time to time, because he can laugh, at least somewhat.

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 12:44 am

That shouty turd ruined the show for me. Go ahead and have the opposition on for some great, challenging discussion but he did nothing but yap moronic bumperstickers.

His "facts" all sounded as though his idea of research is carefully collecting, collating, distilling, cutting, pasting, and puking back every whitehair teatard chain email that's been circulating since the Kenyan usurper stole the election.

Barbara_i January 21, 2011 at 11:29 pm

I'd call him the worst person in the world if I weren't so bummed about Olbermann getting fired tonight. That phrase has lost its luster.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 22, 2011 at 12:41 am

I would be very surprised if Keith gets successfully muzzled.

In the meanwhile, Sister Rachel will be keeping the faith. She's like Keith with more finesse and leaner prose.

V572625694 January 22, 2011 at 12:53 am

True enough but I kind of liked Keith's H.V. Kaltenborn (Google it, Youngs!) stentorian style, which he would do with some self-mocking sense of how phony it was. Won't miss the Thurber readings, though.

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 10:46 am

Yes, Keith and muzzle aren't two words you would expect to see in the same sentence.

Negropolis January 22, 2011 at 1:10 am

I want him to show up at CNN and turn that arrogant bitch upside down, but I suspect he'll do a Conan and go all basic cable on our asses. Either way, he's not gone for long.

ChessieNefercat January 22, 2011 at 12:29 am

Wonderful idea, and he could take Joe Miller, the Alaskan crab queen, and anyone else wearing guns, cowboy boots and hats that would run screaming from an actual horsie with him. Fuck y'all and the horsies you ran from.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 22, 2011 at 12:36 am

Country First!

larrymcawful January 22, 2011 at 12:48 am

Help me out here. Is this a case of buzzards circling potential carrion in the desert, or is it vultures?

wok3 January 22, 2011 at 2:12 am

Jesse just got confused, carry on and carrion. Then again, I bet he is confused a lot of the time.

MinAgain January 22, 2011 at 2:37 pm

You can lead a teabagger to water, but you cannot make him think.

mourningnmerica January 22, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Everyone should relax. All he said was "I'd like to fill her seat." Gosh,

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi January 23, 2011 at 3:36 am

Remember the MSNBC suspension?

On October 28, 2010, days before the 2010 U.S. elections, Keith Olbermann donated $2,400 each to three Democratic candidates for Congress.

One of them was Gabrielle Giffords.

bringmeanaxe January 24, 2011 at 1:08 am

In the annals (anals?) of douchebaggery, this one is right up there.

transfatz January 21, 2011 at 6:00 pm

The mirror refuses to reflect him.

DustBowlBlues January 22, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Your response showed up in my inbox. I glanced at the subject line, since I'd commented on more than one story. Our back and forth regarding children and grandchildren came under the heading, "AZ Shooting Opens 8 D For Some Dude" or something like that. Only on the wonket.

Go to one of the menu thingies and block anyone who sends you game shit. (ON fb, that is).

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