no wonder chris matthews like him

Will Obama’s Hair Please Just Go Gray So the Media Can Shut Up About It?

Look! He turned that tie into a bow tie! Probably with dye!For years now, the media has waited with bated breath for Barack Obama’s hair to turn totally gray. The stresses of the job are supposed to do this to a president, we’ve been told. But why is it taking so long? The media is always right about such important matters. The only answer: conspiracy. The Daily Mail has decided Obama is now dyeing his hair “jet-black” to cover up all the “grey,” because it noticed Obama looked different in a photo taken in bright sunlight than a more recent photo taken inside in a dark room. Dyeing is cheating, Obama! Sure, that prayer hog Gabrielle Giffords has taken all of God’s miracles for herself, but you should have to live with being gray.

It’s being seen as the most important visit by a Chinese leader in 30 years and, with all the world’s eyes on him, who can blame Barack Obama for wanting to look his best.

For it appears that he has dyed his greying hair jet-black – giving him a new more youthful look.

Yes, how could Obama possibly look cooler than Hu Jintao and his ridiculous hipster glasses? Only hair dye. Damn Brits.

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If this is true, Obama’s flag pin got a dye job too. Look how white it is in the first photo! The pin and Obama must have gone on a makeover teevee show together, because if you look at that first photo, Obama doesn’t even have any eyes! What an amazing transformation. Those eyes really look real. Must have been expensive. And to top it all off, his skin is darker now, because he’s racist against being white. [Daily Mail]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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150 comments

      1. DoktorZoom

        Somebody put their fingers in the president's ear,
        and it wasn't too much later they came out with Johnson's Wax

  1. DemonicRage

    Give me a f**kin break! 8 years of the miraculously orange-haired Reagan. Mitt Romney's helmet of jet black hair with Cruella de Ville white wisps over the ears, and now people have the nerve to raise this issue??? China, CALL IN YOUR DEBTS! It's time to have a serious Overlord running things here.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I'm not keen on the Chinese as overlords. Of the three rising economies, I'm pulling for India or Brazil. Mostly, Brazil. Samba, everybody!

        1. SorosBot

          But it would be much better if we had naked public partying, like the Brazilians!

          On second thought, looking at the bulk of our fellow Americans, maybe that would not be a good idea.

          1. DoktorZoom

            I dunno, the reduction in world overpopulation might balance out the costs of cleaning up all the vomit it would induce.

          2. DemonicRage

            Do you realize how many used condoms there are on the beach of Rio de Janeiro every early morning? I don't think that Iowa and Alabama would be happy with the new Overlords from Brazil throwing those kind of parties, for thirteen year olds in dental floss thong bikinis.

  2. EdFlintstone

    Dumb Brits, this is america, were a large chunk of the population is only worried about his skin color.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Oh fuck me, NO one on this side of the pond takes anything in the Daily HateMail seriously, not unless you're an angry old white person with nazi forbearers. It's editorials can be paraphrased as "nnng, asylum seekers, nngg, women, guhh, gays, arrgghhh, queers, pinkos, commies, fags, coons, wogs, jews, guuuuuurrrrgghhhh ("pop" as brain explodes)". You get the picture. The subtext is "hey, have you noticed that "the sheriff is a N——-" (apologies to Blazing Saddles).

    1. mereoblivion

      At least one of her merkins may be, though. (Hey, merkin sounds just like Amurkin, only briefer.)

    2. DoktorZoom

      Yet all the wigs of the British judiciary ARE! I suspect another plot by the Queen of England against our precious bodily fluids.

      Also, would you like a pamphlet about the promise of Fusion Energy?

    1. baconzgood

      I'm thinkin' grecian-gate is much more catchier….Makes it sound like he destoried a countries economy.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        My mom ("me mum" for you limesters) used Grecian Formula. It smelled like I think embalming fluid must smell.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Obama in the bathing suit was overexposed. Obama fighting for the Public Option was underexposed. Alright, the lens cap was left on.

  3. SorosBot

    Why, he might be dyeing his hair? What's next, will he wear makeup when he goes on the TV? Or use professionals to light and film his speeches, instead of just talking into a shaky, out-of-focus webcam? Why, he might even wear a suit that was dry-cleaned by a professional!

    1. DoktorZoom

      I hear that he uses artificial cleaning products to remove/mask his natural scent–and that both he and Michelle have been known to make use of machines to exceed the natural walking speed of a human being.

      Do you ever hear about this in the Lamestream Media? You do not.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        As long as they don't use roll-on deodorant. The last thing we need is Michelle in a sleeveless dress showing off powder on her underarms/pits.

      2. GOPCrusher

        Bah! Next thing, you'll have us believe that he has a machine that flys like a bird. I have no time for such nonsense!

  4. el_donaldo

    I think we'll have to wait for the impeachment proceedings to find out – the House is going to be asking him to prove the carpet matches the drapes.

    1. SorosBot

      Considering that some of the wingnuts asked for Obama to prove if he's circumsized or not, that would not actually be surprising; many of the conservatives really are obsessed with the black President's penis.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      The Republithugs will be lined up and ready to do the test themselves. While Larry Craig can only stand on the sidelines and weep.

      1. June_Cleaver2.0

        Yes, I can see them all lined up with their rulers. Some will even have yard sticks. But let them tell it, they just want to make sure it's an American bald eagle.

      1. DoktorZoom

        Look at your President. Now look at me. God, we're both sexy black men, aren't we, you lucky, lucky woman.

  5. jus_wonderin

    The Presidency really wreaks havoc on one's hair. Maybe it is time for an android President????

    1. GOPCrusher

      Ronald Reagan was the first President that its said left the Presidency looking the same as he did going in.
      But considering the fact that he didn't have a clue what was going on around him for the better part of eight years he was President, it's not surprising.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    At least it's not completely gray, like the head of Dubya's poor limey lapdog who keeps getting dragged in front of boards of inquiry about how and why he helped invade Iraq and kill hundreds of his fellow citizens and a hundred thousand of the people he was allegedly liberating. Yeah, little Tory Blair seems to have a lot on his conscience, and yet he's still wriggling away from admitting it.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      He and that asshole, Joe Lieberwhine. Sadam Hussein was hiding something. It could have been WMD. I love it when they segue into "he wanted them, so we had to invade." Way to destroy the Labour party, Tony.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Don't forget Dubya's triumphant phrase from one of his SOTU speeches: "We have found weapons of mass destruction-related program activities!" A bold characterization for a soap factory, but at least it didn't destroy his credibility or trash a generation of effort advancing the status and security of the middle class.

      2. SorosBot

        Maybe the Labour party will make a comeback now though, as they just got a new leader yesterday who doesn't just have balls but is balls; Ed Balls to be exact.

    2. MaxNeanderthal

      Did you hear that debate with Christopher Hitchens? Tells you all you need to ever know about the messianic little shit. At least we know Cameron, as a Tory, is out to fuck us up the arse from Day 1.

  7. LionelHutzEsq

    This is all bullshit. If the LameStreet Media was really on the ball, they would instead be asking real questions like: If he really is a black Muslim Socialist from Kenya, why doesn't he have a shadow down his inseam like Dick Cheney does?

  8. HuddledMass

    That's "bated breath," not "baited." As in your breathing has momentarily abated.

    Also who wants stinky bait breath?

    1. Gunner Asch

      Thank you. I was struggling not to say the same thing for fear of being called a grammar Nazi. Kids today and their "I gotta be me" mangling of the language. Grr.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Many of us (myself included) have worn that heavy mantle here; 'tis a thankless job and occasionally your efforts will be rudely rebuffed. But do carry on, sir.

      1. LetUsBray

        They're just being like Shakespeare. Got to celebrate it!

        PS – Hey, I have additional p today. Golden showers for everybody!

  9. CalamityJames

    In other, less important, news, states across the country are dead, unemployment rates dropped, only because people stopped trying, I'm moving back in with my parents, some asshole decided to build a big fucking house to taunt those whose homes have been ripped out from under them, no jobs, still, no healthcare, still, no gay marriage, still, and Sarah McLachlan still hasn't been arrested for those damn "Save the animals" commercials.

    We now take you to breaking news: Rep. Giffords has farted. What does this mean for Sarah Palin's chances in 2012?

  10. Native_of_SL_UT

    This is all about light source. Like when those Hollywood starlets get their pictures taken in those lovely black dresses and the flashbulbs make them look transparent.
    God I love those flashbulbs!

  11. BlueStateLibel

    Give him a break, he's an older worker (27+) of course he has to dye his hair and pretend he plays on Facebook and Twitter all day if he wants to keep his job…what do you expect?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Fuck yes, that is why I shave my head religiously. I slipped and sang a line from Green Acres the other day, but none of the Youngs even recognized it, so I skated on that one!

  12. HolyMaracas

    Barry as a second term, gray-haired POTUS sure beats the hell out of one with Alzheimer's, doesn't it?

  13. Sassomatic

    This hair-dyeing theory is ridiculous. Obvs he has DOUBLES people, just like the other Hussein.

  14. baconzgood

    Wait a sec. Lighting effects photographs. In the 20 years I studied and was a professional photographer no one told me this???? Next thing you know they'll tell me that natural light, tugsten, fluorescent, and my strobe all have a different temperature in kalvin. WTF!

  15. doxastic

    I seriously just watched some Youtube videos made by lizard-people believers, that purport to show Clintons/Bushes etc shape-shifting (it was for work! Really!). What they actually show are shadows made from a million high powered camera flashes and digital artifacts. Disappointing.

    The point is, I'm glad the national media learned visual interpretation from lizard-people believers. That seems very sound.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Then they will just pick on his dark children. There are always alternatives with that crowd.

  16. voodooeconomics

    How about the weight? The guy was thin but he is turning into a stick, right before the Republicans, and they just can not comprehend.

    1. Redhead

      Well he turned ME into a newt. I'm still waiting to get better though. Gabby really IS hogging all the healing.

  17. LetUsBray

    Look, brown shoe polish was good enough for St. Ronnie; it should be good enough for Mr. Elitist Arugula-pants, too.

  18. Plowmon

    There's a tank of Grecian Formula in the WH basement from Reagan days right next to the tank of Chivas from Betty Ford days…

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