no wonder chris matthews like him

Will Obama’s Hair Please Just Go Gray So the Media Can Shut Up About It?

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Look! He turned that tie into a bow tie! Probably with dye!For years now, the media has waited with bated breath for Barack Obama’s hair to turn totally gray. The stresses of the job are supposed to do this to a president, we’ve been told. But why is it taking so long? The media is always right about such important matters. The only answer: conspiracy. The Daily Mail has decided Obama is now dyeing his hair “jet-black” to cover up all the “grey,” because it noticed Obama looked different in a photo taken in bright sunlight than a more recent photo taken inside in a dark room. Dyeing is cheating, Obama! Sure, that prayer hog Gabrielle Giffords has taken all of God’s miracles for herself, but you should have to live with being gray.

It’s being seen as the most important visit by a Chinese leader in 30 years and, with all the world’s eyes on him, who can blame Barack Obama for wanting to look his best.

For it appears that he has dyed his greying hair jet-black – giving him a new more youthful look.

Yes, how could Obama possibly look cooler than Hu Jintao and his ridiculous hipster glasses? Only hair dye. Damn Brits.

If this is true, Obama’s flag pin got a dye job too. Look how white it is in the first photo! The pin and Obama must have gone on a makeover teevee show together, because if you look at that first photo, Obama doesn’t even have any eyes! What an amazing transformation. Those eyes really look real. Must have been expensive. And to top it all off, his skin is darker now, because he’s racist against being white. [Daily Mail]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • Tundra Grifter

    If he was a real American President he'd have orange hair like Ronald Reagan.

    • nounverb911

      And an orange face like Boner.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Boner has been rockin the rug for quite some time. A reduced "Trent Lott."

    • mereoblivion

      I thought he went in for a Purple Toupee.

      • DoktorZoom

        Somebody put their fingers in the president's ear,
        and it wasn't too much later they came out with Johnson's Wax

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        If Obama goes Funkadelic, I'm going to lose it.

    • Terry

      But Reagan never matched the Orangutan butt orange of Strom Thurmond's hair. Now, that was orange.

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        I believe Pantone calls that color Bigot Ocher.

  • DemonicRage

    Give me a f**kin break! 8 years of the miraculously orange-haired Reagan. Mitt Romney's helmet of jet black hair with Cruella de Ville white wisps over the ears, and now people have the nerve to raise this issue??? China, CALL IN YOUR DEBTS! It's time to have a serious Overlord running things here.

    • DustBowlBlues

      I'm not keen on the Chinese as overlords. Of the three rising economies, I'm pulling for India or Brazil. Mostly, Brazil. Samba, everybody!

      • Beowoof

        Carnival, Americans are still good at partying.

        • SorosBot

          But it would be much better if we had naked public partying, like the Brazilians!

          On second thought, looking at the bulk of our fellow Americans, maybe that would not be a good idea.

          • DoktorZoom

            I dunno, the reduction in world overpopulation might balance out the costs of cleaning up all the vomit it would induce.

          • Beetagger

            Naked Pubic Partying… correction

          • DemonicRage

            Do you realize how many used condoms there are on the beach of Rio de Janeiro every early morning? I don't think that Iowa and Alabama would be happy with the new Overlords from Brazil throwing those kind of parties, for thirteen year olds in dental floss thong bikinis.

          • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

            Do you want to see the average American naked, enough said.

  • EdFlintstone

    Dumb Brits, this is america, were a large chunk of the population is only worried about his skin color.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Oh fuck me, NO one on this side of the pond takes anything in the Daily HateMail seriously, not unless you're an angry old white person with nazi forbearers. It's editorials can be paraphrased as "nnng, asylum seekers, nngg, women, guhh, gays, arrgghhh, queers, pinkos, commies, fags, coons, wogs, jews, guuuuuurrrrgghhhh ("pop" as brain explodes)". You get the picture. The subtext is "hey, have you noticed that "the sheriff is a N——-" (apologies to Blazing Saddles).

  • Barbara_i

    None of Palin's wigs are gray. Go figure.

    • mereoblivion

      At least one of her merkins may be, though. (Hey, merkin sounds just like Amurkin, only briefer.)

    • DoktorZoom

      Yet all the wigs of the British judiciary ARE! I suspect another plot by the Queen of England against our precious bodily fluids.

      Also, would you like a pamphlet about the promise of Fusion Energy?

    • Radiotherapy

      Does the mama grizzlies curtains have a polar bear rug?

  • SmutBoffin

    JustForMenGate!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Rogate!

      • Extemporanus

        Frogate!

        (With the obvious rightwing rallying cry being "FRObama From the Train!")

    • baconzgood

      I'm thinkin' grecian-gate is much more catchier….Makes it sound like he destoried a countries economy.

      • WriteyWriterton

        My mom ("me mum" for you limesters) used Grecian Formula. It smelled like I think embalming fluid must smell.

  • PsycWench

    Hey, everyone knows that once you go black, you never go back!

    • LionelHutzEsq

      It's funny 'cause it's true.

      • VicariousMe

        Do tell.

    • DoktorZoom

      Once you go grey, you never go…ghey?

      • Jukesgrrl

        Chances are you have your orientation figured out by then.

    • Limeylizzie

      Hmm, I have actually gone back and forth on that and have settled on the olds.

  • Crank_Tango

    Too soon!

  • OneDollarJuana

    Wait, Sarah Palin's a Whig?

    • Beowoof

      And I thought it was a Know Nothing.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Now that I think about it, a Bull Moose.

    • mereoblivion

      If she's as crazy about Maggie T. as she claims, does that make her a Tory-adorer?

      • DoktorZoom

        If so, she'd better not spit on the floor-a

        • jim89048

          Otis Spoffard?

          • DoktorZoom

            Praise Beezus!

  • nounverb911

    The photo in the sun is over-exposed, the other is under-exposed. Go figure.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Obama in the bathing suit was overexposed. Obama fighting for the Public Option was underexposed. Alright, the lens cap was left on.

    • baconzgood

      Who the fuck are you Ansel Adams? Shut up and eat your asinine conspiracy.

  • edgydrifter

    Mandinka or GTFO, Barry.

  • SorosBot

    Why, he might be dyeing his hair? What's next, will he wear makeup when he goes on the TV? Or use professionals to light and film his speeches, instead of just talking into a shaky, out-of-focus webcam? Why, he might even wear a suit that was dry-cleaned by a professional!

    • jus_wonderin

      Egads!!!!!!!!!!

    • Beowoof

      Next thing you will tell is they used Windex to clean his teleprompter.

    • DoktorZoom

      I hear that he uses artificial cleaning products to remove/mask his natural scent–and that both he and Michelle have been known to make use of machines to exceed the natural walking speed of a human being.

      Do you ever hear about this in the Lamestream Media? You do not.

      • horsedreamer_1

        As long as they don't use roll-on deodorant. The last thing we need is Michelle in a sleeveless dress showing off powder on her underarms/pits.

      • GOPCrusher

        Bah! Next thing, you'll have us believe that he has a machine that flys like a bird. I have no time for such nonsense!

        • DoktorZoom

          It's true–I saw it on the talkin' picture box.

    • Terry

      As long as he doesn't get lip liner tattooed on, I'm fine with it.

  • el_donaldo

    I think we'll have to wait for the impeachment proceedings to find out – the House is going to be asking him to prove the carpet matches the drapes.

    • SorosBot

      Considering that some of the wingnuts asked for Obama to prove if he's circumsized or not, that would not actually be surprising; many of the conservatives really are obsessed with the black President's penis.

      • Beowoof

        I know Sarah has mentioned his junk a couple of times.

      • OneDollarJuana

        If you recall, the Republicans kept saying that Clinton had a crooked weenie.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Larry Craig just wanted Bill to show it to him.

  • Weenus299

    Enough with the drapes. What about the carpet?

    • DustBowlBlues

      The Republithugs will be lined up and ready to do the test themselves. While Larry Craig can only stand on the sidelines and weep.

      • Beowoof

        They may even have fellate it to make is soft.

      • June_Cleaver2.0

        Yes, I can see them all lined up with their rulers. Some will even have yard sticks. But let them tell it, they just want to make sure it's an American bald eagle.

    • DoktorZoom

      Obligatory XKCD, again.

  • Come here a minute

    The next appointee will be the CEO of Grecian Formula.

    • DoktorZoom

      Nah, to silence him, he'll be appointed Ambassador to Grecia.

  • Boredw/Gravity

    That second photo looks botoxed, too. And I think I see a little lip gloss.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Don't forget the cheek implants. They're pretty obv.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Must be the Kenyan Formula 16.

    • widestanceroman

      For today's anti-colonial man (birth certificate not required).

      • DoktorZoom

        Look at your President. Now look at me. God, we're both sexy black men, aren't we, you lucky, lucky woman.

  • jus_wonderin

    The Presidency really wreaks havoc on one's hair. Maybe it is time for an android President????

    • DoktorZoom

      Bad idea, unless you want a war on Electric Sheepistan

      • jus_wonderin

        Bahhhhh!

        • WriteyWriterton

          I disagree; I thought DZ's comment was pretty clever.

    • GOPCrusher

      Ronald Reagan was the first President that its said left the Presidency looking the same as he did going in.
      But considering the fact that he didn't have a clue what was going on around him for the better part of eight years he was President, it's not surprising.

  • metamarcisf

    I have an idea. This April, let's Teabag the fools in D.C. on tax day. Think it'll catch on?

  • paxromanaclef

    And what did he BAIT his breath with, pray tell? A dictionary? http://www.grammarist.com/usage-errors/homophone-

    I'm an asshole.

  • SayItWithWookies

    At least it's not completely gray, like the head of Dubya's poor limey lapdog who keeps getting dragged in front of boards of inquiry about how and why he helped invade Iraq and kill hundreds of his fellow citizens and a hundred thousand of the people he was allegedly liberating. Yeah, little Tory Blair seems to have a lot on his conscience, and yet he's still wriggling away from admitting it.

    • DustBowlBlues

      He and that asshole, Joe Lieberwhine. Sadam Hussein was hiding something. It could have been WMD. I love it when they segue into "he wanted them, so we had to invade." Way to destroy the Labour party, Tony.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Don't forget Dubya's triumphant phrase from one of his SOTU speeches: "We have found weapons of mass destruction-related program activities!" A bold characterization for a soap factory, but at least it didn't destroy his credibility or trash a generation of effort advancing the status and security of the middle class.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Needz moar hyphens: weapons-of-mass-destruction-related program activities.

          Fixed.

      • SorosBot

        Maybe the Labour party will make a comeback now though, as they just got a new leader yesterday who doesn't just have balls but is balls; Ed Balls to be exact.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Oh, but the Labour side has Balls, now.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Did you hear that debate with Christopher Hitchens? Tells you all you need to ever know about the messianic little shit. At least we know Cameron, as a Tory, is out to fuck us up the arse from Day 1.

  • Name_Tag

    the headline will be in the post tomorrow.

    "obama's hair was black. went back."

    • widestanceroman

      Pap Snaps Nap Flap

      • DoktorZoom

        Hix Nix Stix Flix

        • Extemporanus

          "'Notice POTUS FROTUS', FLOTUS Wrote Us"

        • WriteyWriterton

          Black flack attack?

  • Giveusabob

    Rod Blagojevich called. He wants his curlers back.

  • EdFlintstone

    Darrell Issa will spends millions to get to the bottom of this.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      While he, Issa, paints up his tush and rolls & curls his pubic hairs.

      • jim89048

        Oh, Ruby!

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          You got it.

          ♪ Oh, Darrell, go down, go down, go down. ♪

    • Beowoof

      Darrell should spend more time covering up his questionable past.

    • DoktorZoom

      Real Merkins demand an investigation

  • LionelHutzEsq

    This is all bullshit. If the LameStreet Media was really on the ball, they would instead be asking real questions like: If he really is a black Muslim Socialist from Kenya, why doesn't he have a shadow down his inseam like Dick Cheney does?

    • jus_wonderin

      I think I watched this show on HBO.

  • metamarcisf

    Shit, have they ever looked at Jefferson's hair?

    • Weenus299

      Thomas or George?

      • metamarcisf

        Hah! Weezy!!!!

  • HuddledMass

    That's "bated breath," not "baited." As in your breathing has momentarily abated.

    Also who wants stinky bait breath?

    • Gunner Asch

      Thank you. I was struggling not to say the same thing for fear of being called a grammar Nazi. Kids today and their "I gotta be me" mangling of the language. Grr.

      • HuddledMass

        I'm resigned to being the grammar Nazi, it's my crown of thorns. In "tweet:' I haz the oldz.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Many of us (myself included) have worn that heavy mantle here; 'tis a thankless job and occasionally your efforts will be rudely rebuffed. But do carry on, sir.

      • LetUsBray

        They're just being like Shakespeare. Got to celebrate it!

        PS – Hey, I have additional p today. Golden showers for everybody!

      • WriteyWriterton

        And their music! It's just, ah, never mind.

    • MissTaken

      Go away, I'm batin'!

    • DoktorZoom

      I await Jack's reply with shrimp on my tongue.

    • mourningnmerica

      I dated a girl with baited breath. Nice tits, though.

  • CalamityJames

    In other, less important, news, states across the country are dead, unemployment rates dropped, only because people stopped trying, I'm moving back in with my parents, some asshole decided to build a big fucking house to taunt those whose homes have been ripped out from under them, no jobs, still, no healthcare, still, no gay marriage, still, and Sarah McLachlan still hasn't been arrested for those damn "Save the animals" commercials.

    We now take you to breaking news: Rep. Giffords has farted. What does this mean for Sarah Palin's chances in 2012?

  • Extemporanus

    "YOU DYE!"

    • baconzgood

      Thumbs up for the avatar!

      • Extemporanus

        We got the point, yo!

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    This is all about light source. Like when those Hollywood starlets get their pictures taken in those lovely black dresses and the flashbulbs make them look transparent.
    God I love those flashbulbs!

    • SorosBot

      Remember the shot of John Kerry's hot daughter like that?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        " Neiiigh, I don't recall such a photo."

  • BlueStateLibel

    Give him a break, he's an older worker (27+) of course he has to dye his hair and pretend he plays on Facebook and Twitter all day if he wants to keep his job…what do you expect?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Fuck yes, that is why I shave my head religiously. I slipped and sang a line from Green Acres the other day, but none of the Youngs even recognized it, so I skated on that one!

      • jim89048

        I wish my hair had gone gray before it went invisible.

  • HolyMaracas

    Barry as a second term, gray-haired POTUS sure beats the hell out of one with Alzheimer's, doesn't it?

  • Sassomatic

    This hair-dyeing theory is ridiculous. Obvs he has DOUBLES people, just like the other Hussein.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I've always considered it salt 'n' pepper, myself.

    • mereoblivion

      He hot, cool & vicious. ('cept when he oils the 'fro, then he hot, cool & viscous.

      • Extemporanus

        ♪♫ Oil, baby, baby,
        Baby, baby…
        ♪♫

  • baconzgood

    Wait a sec. Lighting effects photographs. In the 20 years I studied and was a professional photographer no one told me this???? Next thing you know they'll tell me that natural light, tugsten, fluorescent, and my strobe all have a different temperature in kalvin. WTF!

  • doxastic

    I seriously just watched some Youtube videos made by lizard-people believers, that purport to show Clintons/Bushes etc shape-shifting (it was for work! Really!). What they actually show are shadows made from a million high powered camera flashes and digital artifacts. Disappointing.

    The point is, I'm glad the national media learned visual interpretation from lizard-people believers. That seems very sound.

  • ingloriousbytch

    Maybe if he goes gray, something about him will finally be white enough for the birthers.

    • jus_wonderin

      Then they will just pick on his dark children. There are always alternatives with that crowd.

    • Wadisay

      A little Congolene and he should have it about right.

  • Radiotherapy

    Everybody forgot he's already half white.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    His hair is the new black.

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    He needs to get the Krylon and just spray it on if he wants to achieve Reaganhood.

  • voodooeconomics

    How about the weight? The guy was thin but he is turning into a stick, right before the Republicans, and they just can not comprehend.

    • jim89048

      It's those Kenyo-Hawaiian worms.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    He's a witch!

    • Redhead

      Well he turned ME into a newt. I'm still waiting to get better though. Gabby really IS hogging all the healing.

    • SorosBot

      He is you?

  • Beetagger

    You mean his hair is in blackface?

  • WALLYPIP

    I say Obamer gets a Cornell West 'do.

    • DoktorZoom

      and an ascot

  • LetUsBray

    Look, brown shoe polish was good enough for St. Ronnie; it should be good enough for Mr. Elitist Arugula-pants, too.

  • ttommyunger

    It either turns grey or turns loose; or both. It's been that way for eons, so this is news, why?

  • schvitzatura

    I used to love his converted rice…

  • Plowmon

    There's a tank of Grecian Formula in the WH basement from Reagan days right next to the tank of Chivas from Betty Ford days…

  • politics_nerd

    Why does bright sunlight hate America?!

  • MinAgain

    Only the good dye young.

  • XOhioan

    It's a radiation burn from getting too close to John Boehner's tan.

  • Kitten_moon

    His face hasn't changed though. Black don't crack!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Uh – wouldn't that be "Jet-black?"

    Bookends!