Buy It Now!Remember Meg Whitman, the poor little rich girl who got savagely trounced when Jerry Brown came out of his meditative trance one day, late in the election year, and said, “Oh yeah, I used to be California’s governor. I will be that again,” and then he destroyed her? Do you also remember that Meg Whitman had never even voted before, and her one and only “qualification” for office was spending enough of her millions to keep California’s television and radio advertising departments fully staffed while actually driving everyone else insane with her dumb ads and stupid face? Well, Meg’s planning a “comeback,” which is usually a word we reserve for people who have actually succeeded at something, earlier.

The San Francisco Chronicle reports that this person, Meg Whitman, apparently still exists:

“Sources say Whitman in the last months has sought a detailed explanation regarding what went wrong in her resounding defeat by Brown… As one of America’s wealthiest women, several in the know suggest she aims to emerge again with a message and a profile on the California politics scene. And fairly soon.”

Uh, yeah? And how will she piss away hundreds of millions of dollars next time? Political Wire says she wants to run against the very popular/never defeated Dianne Feinstein …. because in California in 2012 when there’s maximum turnout to re-elect Obama, some loser pretending to be a Republican challenger to the Democratic incumbent in the Senate is going to do really well. [Political Wire/SF Gate]

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  • nounverb911

    I say just write a check to California and be done with it. Go away Meggy.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Look Meg, I know you're not the prettiest girl in highschool, but there's got to be a cheaper way to have people pay some attention to you. Try doing something constructive, instead of wasting your considerable wealth on teevee ads.

      • Negropolis

        But, but, bad teevee adds is what Megs does best. That's her MO, bad teevee adds.

      • chilequiles

        I dunno man, I bet she has shapely cankles.

  • prommie

    Hey, she has qualifications, look at those two fine boys she raised. It takes hella political skills to buy your douchebag offspring into Princeton, and then make so many various charges "disappear." The rich ARE different from you and me, it turns out, they can simply do whatever the fuck they want, with complete impunity.

  • SaintRond

    This woman is a poster child for the virtues of Beria.

    • GregComlish

      Not sure what Meg has to do with the Stalin's right-hand man. I guess they are both successful, detail-oriented CEOs of large organizations and neither one survived the transition to politics?

      • Lost_Teabaggers

        What SaintRond is referring to was Beria's penchant for disappearing Stalin's annoyances and enemies.

    • DustBowlBlues

      "virtues of Beria"

      You gonna' make me google it or should I simply profess my ignorance right here, for all the wonkeratti to see and for which to berate me? (Didn't end in a preposition and used a somewhat hard word, to prove I'm still worthy of hanging out with loser English majors.)

      • SaintRond

        Berea was a piece of shit who would have treated Meg to a wonderful afternoon.

      • Potatoe

        I think it was a typo. "Barium enema" is the phrase I believe was meant. Or maybe I am just bad with the Googles.

    • GOPCrusher

      Wow. The fact that the former head of the NKVD has passed from our memory banks makes me feel really, really old.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Attention whore likes attention.

    • baconzgood

      BLOOD LIBEL!!!!!!!!!

      • DustBowlBlues


    • tcaalaw

      But she's the one paying for the attention….

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Take your cash, honey, and get a MILF makeover to look like Palin and start spoutin' gobbledygook and then you may get the TeaBaggers™ to support ya

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I don't think even Scrooge McDuck has the kinda bank it would take to make that over. That'd take moon shot or Manhattan Project-type jack.

      • Now that you mention it, she kinda looks like Scrooge McDuck.

    • Crank_Tango

      I don't think they could really make her over unless you can drive a bobcat across that melon of hers…I guess it just might work!

      • jim89048

        She could sell ad space on that forehead!

    • baconzgood

      Got Belt Sander?

    • A leather tit-jacket would be a good start.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Would not hit that, if/while sentient.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Run, Thumb-face, run!

    • bumfug

      A thumb with Ben Franklin's haircut – now, THAT'S attractive!

  • Beetagger

    I must pitch my mad video production skillz to her stat! I smell a cash cow~

    • Ducksworthy

      Cow with cash=Cash Cow? OK

    • jim89048

      Fred Davis?

  • MistaEko

    Whitman in the last months has sought a detailed explanation regarding what went wrong in her resounding defeat by Brown

    You hired a known illegal immigrant while campaigning on anti-immigration rhetoric, madam, thus embracing the only kiss-of-death American politics has left nowadays – blatant hypocrisy.

    What other large California constituencies can you alienate in this go round with a scandal? Gays and fundies when a lesbian lover reveals how you kicked her to the curb for political gain? Let's go with lesbian lover.

    • V572625694

      Her other bone-headed ploy was going a commercial about how great CA was when she moved there — and Jerry Brown was goobernor. Ha ha ha….

      • not that Dewey

        Both of you! Now! Stop giving her free advice! Those four sentences are worth about $152M.

      • DustBowlBlues

        Best political ad laugh, ever. Even better than demon sheep, which was mostly just freaky. On the other hand, this gives us an entirely new venue for expressing how much we hate this clueless bitch.

      • WriteyWriterton

        "..other boneheaded play"? I thought she offered a groaning board of them.

  • Silly Meg, I've told you many many many times… despite what you think there is no "BUY IT NOW" feature in US America politics. That's what the e-voting machines are FOR.

    • Katydid

      I just love this comment.

    • V572625694

      I was going to say, "I'm rich, I want it, I should have it," but you did so much better. But check the alt-text…

    • GOPCrusher

      Typical American CEO. "Because I said so" doesn't really work in business, and throwing more money at a stupid idea, doesn't fix the problem either.

  • fuflans

    well as long as she keeps up the fine CA senate tradition of demon sheep ads, i'm all for it.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Beat me to it.

  • freakishlywrong

    Why wait until 2012!? I'm sure the crazy as ratfuck Republicans in Cali are going to "repeal" Jerry Brown any second now. It's what they do.

    • Boredw/Gravity

      Get Issa on this. He was so successful the first time. Besides, I don't think he has anything else on his plate right now.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Oh, please. This would be such comedy. Feinstein would grind her into compost. Hey Meg, here are your choices: Spend $150 million, cater to your racist base and get trounced. Or, spend half that, and say nice things about immigrants. Oh yeah, and you still lose.

    • V572625694

      If Fiorina couldn't beat a weak candidate like Boxer, there's no way Whitman can beat a powerhouse like DiFei. But thanks for playing! As a parting gift, you'll get a home version of "Buy this Ego Trip!"

  • SorosBot

    It's strange that she's spending so much time trying to figure out why she lost to Brown when it should be obvious. He was popular and likeable, she was not, and ran a horrible campaign where she ran to the far right in what's basically a left-wing state.

    • It's hilarious, in a complete "OMGWTF" sort of way. There have got to be at least a million people in this state who could break it down as coherently. I guess the "consultants" aren't quite ready to get off that gravy train. I hope they are charging her a lot of money for the "information".

  • Meg speaks her peace.

    • baconzgood

      That Turky just out debated her.

  • Barbara_i

    Politics is show business for ugly people

    • V572625694

      And Sarah P. Not (physically) ugly yet, but definitely working on it. The anger and envy show through like a burning ember scarring the jowls.

      • Barbara_i

        That's so true, friend. If she were to put a smile on, go swing a hammer for Habitat for Humanity, stop making shit up and being a mean girl bully she could probably rule the world.

        If I were on her PR staff, the first thing I would do is work on the tone and pitch of her voice.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Sarah Palin in 5 years.

        (Minus hairnet.)

        • Ugg_the_Repug

          Why minus hairnet? She gonna use halibut net?

        • Barbara_i

          Thanks BarackMyWold! Now I am craving sloppy joes and tater tots.

        • GOPCrusher

          Maybe a few years, working the line at the tuna canning plant, will teach her some humility.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Old saying, and always in order when talking about rich Republicans. Has she even considered the fact that Feinstein is a conservative Democrat? The one that California Republicans don't hate the way they do Barbara Boxer? Babs, btw, is the only person who gave Inhofe a big, big smackdown that was shown on cable and garnered her so many bouquets and floral arrangements from Oklahomans that they wouldn't fit in her office and were dumped on Walter Reed?

      • DemmeFatale

        I never thought I'd side with a conservative like Feinstein, (SO not liberal enough for me), but Meg is an idiot. Why doesn't she build a hospital instead?

        (I also loved "elections have consequences.")

  • She can lose to me for the bargain price of 1 million dollars (US).

    • Ducksworthy

      OK I'll bid. She can lose to ME for $4 million.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Meg and Mitt should just get a room.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Why would Mitt … when he's so much prettier than her? It's not like he needs to turn tricks to get by.

    • His magic undies would protect him from that evil temptress.

  • slithytoves

    O vice versa.

  • Beowoof

    You know if you work in advertising or own a TV station in California, you have to be drooling. This dumb ass thinks that she can throw another big pile of money into campaign spending and win. I hope she spends unitl she needs her social security check everymonth. This is a one woman stimulus for California television and radio.

  • Amaravilha

    I like the alternative ending in my head where she spends her time and money fighting to restore the good name and employment prospects of her deported housekeeper, helps out the family, lobbies successfully in Sacramento and DC for immigration reform and the DREAM Act, and gains a loyal Latino following, showing the way toward justice, fairness, and light….

    And then Meg rises to campaign in 2012 as a new type of tolerant Republican, moving to erase the memory of Pete Wilson selling out his soul for 187…

    and then gets brutally crushed by Darrel Issa in the primary, and Issa goes on to lose to DiFi.

    That's a happy ending, and not some narcissist futile act.

    • V572625694

      Those aren't Harvard B-School virtues you're imagining Meg could reach down inside herself to find, in this lovely scenario.

    • DustBowlBlues

      You have a dream. A good one. Please add to your dream scenario that Issa resigns his congressional seat to campaign full time. Teabaggers destroy her and Palin comes to town to denounce her.

      A warm, warm thought to take into what is a frosty weekend here in the Dust Bowl.

    • I really like the way your story plays out. Especially, as noted above, if Issa quits his house seat.

      It's the only way Republicans are going to win state-wide office in California in the future. Wilson ever so effectively screwed the pooch in 1994, a classic example of winning the battle but losing the war. Before that, they did win the occasional election. ;)

  • Tundra Grifter

    “Sources say Whitman in the last months has sought a detailed explanation regarding what went wrong in her resounding defeat by Brown…"

    OK – I'll bite. Just where does she go to get that explanation? From the folks she hired and paid to win the election that she lost?

    From Gov. Brown's people who won?

    From the media she was so nice to and generally went out of her way to court – particularly by not bothering them for "interviews" or other Q&A sessions?

    Folks with big bucks can always find politicial operatives to hire. The problem is the really good ones not only want to get paid – they want to win.

    • V572625694

      Bob Schrum has many theories! Just ask him!

    • problemwithcaring

      Mark Penn still around?

    • zhubajie

      Where will she go for that info? Astrologers. Psychics. Mexican haruspices perhaps. In Arkansas, eg, she'd probably consult Pentecostal prophets who'd speak in tongues and tell her she wasn't condemning sin enough or tithing to said prophet, but I don't know about if such people are as common in CA.

  • CapeClod

    "Sources say Whitman in the last months has sought a detailed explanation regarding what went wrong in her resounding defeat by Brown"

    She could have done that by simply looking in the mirror.

  • baconzgood

    Maybe she's like that dude in the Brewster's Millions movie where she HAS to spend alot of money and have nothing to show for it.

  • Meg, once again you're e-basing yerself.

  • MiniMencken

    Hand me yon topmaul, Starbuck! A Spanish gold ounce for the first one of ye as spots the white whale!

    • That should be, "Hand me my Starbucks, Topmaul! $500,000 for the first PowerPoint that parses my FAIL!"

      • MiniMencken

        Not bad, Chet, Old Boy, not bad at all! You may have a future in this commenting business after all.

    • zhubajie

      I doubt she's half as classy or as educated at Capt. Ahab, so is she the White Whale?

      • MiniMencken

        Aye, me hearty, that she is… And it was her as did THIS to me…Mad, you say?…I am madness maddened and leave a white and turbid wake where ere I go…I shall not rest until she rolls fin up and spouts black blood!

  • x111e7thst

    Her first step should be to solicit Carly Fiorina's advice on how to run a senatorial campaign. After that she should talk to a certain Delaware witch about masturbation.

  • Maybe Meg and fight it out with Carly Fiorina over who can spend the most money to lose an election

  • EdFlintstone

    Meg, I think it was the female pattern baldness.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Which candidate is more likely to stink up the lavatory and leave skid marks on the bowl? Meg Whitman, that's who.

    Roscoe has had the privilege of meeting both women during his travels.

    • jim89048

      You poor dear!

  • Ducksworthy

    To quote John Cleese "What awful people"

  • Callyson

    NutMeg is either truly clueless…
    …or, she is a brilliant Democratic strategist who went undercover as a witless GOP gubernatorial nominee to keep CA blue in a Republican election cycle, decided that politics was more exciting than the business world, and now wants to make sure no one questions whether Dianne Feinstein is too old to serve another term.
    PS: Senator Feinstein, get that grin off your face. At least in public.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I don't think it matters to DiFi which particular lamb the Republicans care to sacrifice on the altar of her next re-election. Unless she owns stock in California teevee stations, ad companies and whatnot. She filthy rich already, isn't she?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Clearly, what Meg needs to do is to get someone to leak to Gawker stories of her sordid trysts, born-again-virginity, and unkempt Bush. Also let drop a few stories about how she used to be a witch and how she is living off of her campaign funds.

    It might not have worked in Delaware, but in California, it has a good chance.

    Now, Ms. Whitman, that is $650,000.00 for the campaign advice. Trust me, it is better than any you are paying for from the consultants that have been wasting your money for the last few years.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Run a demon sheep ad Meg, with lousy, cheap production values. That was the one good thing the Fiorina campaign had going for it.

  • walstib

    Please won't someone in CA please just give this thing a doughnut so she'll be happy and STFU.

    Alternatively, take one for the team and just schtup her for the next five or six years.

    And also, too.

  • mereoblivion

    "Whitman in the last months has sought a detailed explanation regarding what went wrong in her resounding defeat by Brown."

    Everyone thought you were somehow related to that flaming queen who wrote "Leaves of Grass," okay?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Maybe Meg is hoping to take a page from Sharron Angle and win through the use of Second Amendment remedies?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey, this is supposed to be the country where being rich confers on one the wisdom of Solomon, the generalship of Patton and the charisma of Reagan. Obviously the reason Whitman lost her previous election was that the people of California are too stupid to see her eminent qualifications — so what she really needs to be running for is president-for-life or some similar position that really fits her high qualifications.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Whittles can win — if she can convince Jello Biafra to channel his antipathy for Feinstein into another run against.

    I doubt it would take that much convincing to get that record-label owner collectivist attention-whore Green-droid to run.

    Frankenfood for everyone!

  • DustBowlBlues

    How much do we hate this woman? How wide is the ocean? How deep is the sea?

  • JoshuaNorton

    Hey Meg! Can I have some munnies?

  • The good side of this is that if she actually won, we'd be rid of Feinstein.

  • Ah, what the hell. Some of my college friends grew up to be Republican pollsters and campaigners, and they could use the payday. Not that even they could get her elected but, again, what the hell.

    • I know a number of people who are indy news producers. Meg kept a fair few of them employed.

  • Oblios_Cap

    When you live in your own little bubble in gated communities, anything is possible.

  • LetUsBray

    Meg wants to know what went wrong? I can tell her what went wrong. What went wrong was that she based her whole campaign on saturating the airwaves with horrible ads that showed her to be the biggest fucking asshole in the entire state of California. And CA is a big state with lots of assholes. That's what went wrong, ya gigantic fucking asshole.

  • Name_Tag

    everyone lauded ahnuld for living out the american dream.

    sad downside is that any remotely wealthy person now thinks 'i can do that!'

  • __kth__

    She and $200 extra large can't beat Jerry Brown in a season of teabagging, and she thinks she can beat the less-moonbeamy DiFi in a year divisible by 4 when normal people actually show up to vote? How the hell did she ever amass a billion dollars?

    • WriteyWriterton

      By relying on the stupid of strangers.

  • PalinPussyPower

    Oh Meg, really? This again? Why don't you just give me ten or twenty million and I'll fuck you, harder than California did during your last attempt to be elected. I'll polish that forehead real good.

  • mavenmaven

    I want that consultancy job. I'd like to get paid huge amounts of money fabricating excuses for rich folks about how everything wrong is someone else's fault.

  • Come here a minute

    This is the state that elected Reagan and Schwarzenegger — do you really think they're not stupid enough to elect Megs?

    • BarackMyWorld

      It should be noted that this is the state that once elected both Ronald Reagan and Jerry Brown to statewide offices IN THE EXACT SAME ELECTION.

    • DemmeFatale

      But Reagan and Arnold had some semblance of charisma, and they knew how to put on a show, (however phony), for the electorate.

  • jim89048

    If politics is truly showbiz for ugly people, how could she possibly lose?

  • Wilcoxyz

    She should change her name to Reincess Priebus. That'll build some momentum. And cause birf certificate issues.

    • mereoblivion

      Then she can play Buttercup in "The Reincess Pride."

  • BarackMyWorld

    All this money being pumped into TV and radio stations reminds me that the FCC leases the airwaves to them for free in exchange for informing the public.

    And by "reminds me" I mean it helps me realize that it works completely the opposite of the way it is supposed to.

  • This is some pretty lousy estate planning if you ask me.

  • I might stay in California until 2012 just so I can vote against The Forehead That Ate Sacramento.

  • hagajim

    C'mon guys…give Meg and li'l Carly some credit…this is apparently how they decided they would let their millions "trickle down" to the little people…by spending a shitload of cash for a useless cause.

  • problemwithcaring

    Americans have become big fans of the Doomed Venture.

    Fixed it for ya'.

  • Mindblank

    With that kind of money, she should just create a Disney-esque theme park where she is queen with the right of High and Low justice.

  • VeraSevera

    I still have the "Bobble-head Meg" song stuck in my head. ;<(

  • mourningnmerica

    Meg, I can help you get elected. If you will trust me completely, and follow my advice to the letter, we can make it happen. OK? Here we go.
    1. You look like Linda Tripp's twin sister. Your mug scares children. Their parents therefore turn the channel before your awesome message can reach them. Get some cosmetic surgery. A lot. Moderates love big titties. Do it.
    2. Embrace Mexicans. For example, "Like, 'em, hell, I hired 'em."
    3. Ask your sons to stop raping women.
    4. If your sons continue to rape women, pay more to cover it up, so that it, you know, it actually GETS covered up. I mean shit, you have money. Use it. Effectively.
    4. Never, ever admit that you are a homosexual. No one, and especially gay San Francisco voters, likes a fat lesbian.
    5. Make it harder to snipe someone in the last 30 seconds. It's not fair, and I am tired of being sooooo close, then, awwwww……

  • mereoblivion

    "No one, and especially gay San Francisco voters, likes a fat lesbian." Oh, c'mon, who was more beloved than Liberace? Oh, wait . . .

  • AlaskaGrrl

    Sources say Whitman in the last months has sought a detailed explanation regarding what went wrong in her resounding defeat by Brown…

    That would be; "You sucked as a candidate, Meg. You were so transparently trying to buy the office that even for a Republican, your lies and hypocrisy were just over the top. That and pissing off every Hispanic voter in the state for beating up on your Mexican maid and then trying to deport her."

    • transfatz

      Yeah, but can you say that in PERT and HIPO? Consultants, ho!

  • This level of stupid will never not be funny. She's like the Three Stooges of politics.

  • Troubledog

    That girl got a bigass head on her.

  • miss_grundy

    If Whitman wants to piss away her money, I'll take it since she obviously doesn't need it or want it. I'm sure I could do more with it than she has.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    I'll tell you Meg: sucking up to the Orange County idiots was the key to both winning the Republican nomination and losing the election statewide. Just look at the last 20 years or so. Let somebody else score more points with the insane right (Issa maybe?) and you will look better by comparison. There's your analysis, and I'll take Paypal.

  • Seeking a detailed explanation of what went wrong is usually CEO/consultant speak for "time to send layoff notices to ten percent of the workforce and tell the rest of them how lucky they are to still be working here."

    Guess that doesn't work when trying to get elected.

  • GeorgiaPeachy

    Fascinatin' that even California papers don't get it right, buy DiFi is not "never-defeated."

    She was the losing candidate for Governator in 1990 to Pete Wilson.

    • This is indeed true. She definitely took some lessons in that campaign, though, and is a tough campaigner.

  • transfatz

    Eisenhower, you look awful in that wig.

  • What, Mr. Death-Rictus-Grin himself? Now that would be fucking funny. Especially how his dad was a Flaming Queen who used to take his houseboys on hot air balloon rides and do whatever to them. Wonder what it's like to be the son of a beard?

  • Greghe

    Meg Whitman wants to know what "went wrong" with her campaign? The answer of course is that nothing went wrong. She lost because she was terrible as a candidate and even worse as a person.

    So what "went wrong" for Meg Whitman's campaign is simply that democracy worked.

  • alaninthecastro

    Ms. Whitman is at once a major stimulus and a major buzzkill.

  • zhubajie

    "Meg Whitman Now Hoping To Piss"

    Some kind of blockage? VD damage?

  • ShaveTheWhales

    This poses a serious problem for me. I've committed to never voting for DiFi again, for a number of reasons, the final one being her vote to confirm Mukasey as AG.

    Now, I'll admit that since she's 130 years old (or whatever), I never expected her to run for anything again. But I am still pretty well pissed off at her.

    But now I'm gonna be confronted with Mega-forehead? Fuck. There are almost 40 million people in Cali. Can't the Democrats come up with somebody a bit short of mummification?

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