National Enquirer Says Todd Palin Bangs Hookers

  wasilla family values

We always knew he was banging a lady probably. America’s favorite newspaper, the National Enquirer, has another gross scoop about political celebrities boning people they aren’t married to — this time it’s “first dude” Todd Palin, who is accused of repeatedly banging a hooker who was then arrested for being a prostitute. How will Sarah Palin turn this to her advantage? Easy: Everything is already about Sarah Palin, to Sarah Palin, and this is probably more about (or, er, not about, but not about in a more “about way,” personally) Sarah Palin than most things which are, in fact, only about Sarah Palin in her mind — because she is a delusional narcissistic sociopath who, based on nothing but her greed and lust for cable-news notoriety, believes she should run the world. Anyway, Todd! Who knew, right? He looked so gay!

The newspaper of record reports:

While the story heats up on the internet, The ENQUIRER has uncovered official documents confirming the woman’s arrest, and learned police have confiscated physical evidence that could tie Todd to an alleged extramarital affair.

We have also uncovered documents that show the woman contributed free massages to an anonymous person working for Sarah’s campaign for governor of Alaska.

Haha we’ve been getting this same email the National Enquirer based their whole EXCLUSIVE on, and we just ignored it, because for fuck’s sake we are so tired of the Palins. But, page views, right! Ching Ching! (That is the sound of a cash register, if such a thing even exists anymore, and not the sound of Rush Limbaugh making fun of how the Chinese president talks. Ha ha, Chinese people, what the fuck are they even talking about, amirite?!)

Sarah is going to make somebody write a very heartfelt “America My Heart Is Felt” blood libel bestseller about how fuckin’ Todd wronged her, because she is actually a transvestite. [National Enquirer]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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365 comments

      1. Troubledog

        She doesn't have to say a word about this; she can just stand there in silence, holding her retard baby with a trembling lip and a single tear and they will elevate her to Sainthood.

        Afterwards they will go to counseling and renew their vows, because Christianity is all about forgiveness, you know. The 'vangies feed on this shit.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Ground chuck my ass. Sarah's pedigree is strictly bulk ground "meat" that's seconds away from being beyond its sell-by date.

          1. Crank_Tango

            No shit–when I was a kid I worked in the local supermarket meatroom, and they would take the crappy ass scraps and make the freezer patties out of it. We called it the shit grind.

            As far as the fresh stuff goes, when it went grey and shitty, they would grind a heart with it and that would make it red again.

            Sarah Palin, shit grind.

          1. Barbara_i

            How about if you blow me, Blood Liberal? Make the political point that you want, yet posting as your avatar the face of the monster who killed a slew of people, injured many and took the life of a nine year-old baby girl makes me want to puke. I'm the mother of two daughters and you've obviously, never held a baby girl in your lap, pink as gum, big blueberry eyes looking up at you, with their breath that smells like cookies.

            Feel free to slide under a gasoline truck and taste your own arterial spray, asshole.

        1. Barbara_i

          Grew up one of nine in a family who could afford no children. Children in peril is my Achille's heel. And animals. Sorry for the rant. That avatar is just too much.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      wow that's the biggest p-ness I ever saw for a single comment, well done Ed, you're at least a 5-diamond whore now!!

    1. cheaphits

      I luvs the story, thanx Nat Eq…today's paper of record and one of about three of the print and broadcast media that still do any real investigative journalism.

      Let's just double hope that Sarah was there with a gallon of baby seal blood, a case of virulent gonorrhea, a trained donkey, that Shailey is Todd's half sister, one cup, a totem pole and an undercover cop.

      THAT might be enough to make her "Sarah Who" in about three months.

  1. Ducksworthy

    Are you sure he wasn't snorting meth and banging a male prostitute? They exist you know. Even in Alaska.

    1. Terry

      The difference is that in Alaska, a male prostitute wears Carhart overalls rather than short shorts.

  2. SorosBot

    If the rumors that Kathleen Parker is about to be fired from Parker-Spitzer are true, I think we've found our new co-host.

  3. Ducksworthy

    Ewww. Physical evidence linking Toad to an extra-marital affair. Ewww. No more. These people are just too tacky.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Prostie got run over by the First Dude
        Walking home from the bordello Christmas Eve
        Now you can say there's not such thing as Grifting
        But as for me & Piper we believe

  4. ringletwraith

    Sarah will stand by her man, because that's what Hillary did. And she and Hillary have a lot of things in common. Also.

    1. V572625694

      Can you imagine the sheer skankiness of a hooker working some Alaska pipeline camp in the middle of nowhere?

    1. Beowoof

      Naw the thought of banging Sarah, everyday, for how many years, and then she probably wants him to talk to her, saying sweet nothings, such as you are hot Sarah, also too you betcha, and I know you love money me too, and then her reposnse OH GOD you betcha, OH GOD also too.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    "sound of Rush Limbaugh making fun of how the Chinese president talks."

    Tangential I know, but wasn't that all about Shaquille O'Neal bagging on Yao Ming?

    Also, who could blame Todd, too. Hmmm?

  6. OkieDokieDog

    This is all Obama's fault.

    I bet the Palinites are already praying for Todd to give up his evil liberal hooker sent by the devil to woo him away from the Divine Miss P. I predict a renewal of wedding vows in the future.

    This too; also tee hee & LMAO. Couldn't happen to a nicer couple.

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      And in the Xtian cosmology, all he has to do is ask the Lord (Xenu?) for forgiveness and everything is alrighty again. Of course then he's her brother and she's his sister and all, but that's a problem for another day, you bet'cha!

  7. bumfug

    Poor Todd, forced to choose between a sleazy, cum-splattered piece of amoral dreck …and a prostitute.

  8. JadedDissonance

    Whatever. The Enquirer said all that crap about that wonderful boy John Edwards, and not a lick of it came true!

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Remember that when the National Enquirer went after John Edwards, the right wing nutz made it out to be The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Washington Times all rolled into one – just the best newspaper ever!

      Now it will be villified as a rag nobody should pay the slightest bit of attention to.

      The conservatives still linger over Miss Monica's "Blue Dress" – physical evidence of this dalliance is going to be gross, in poor taste, and beyond what the public should be reading about. Just watch – it will happen!

      I forgot "Stage III" – the routine plea for privacy during this difficult time for the family. Like the conservatives ever believed in that – other than for one of their own, of course.

      And who is the happiest guy in the USofA tonight? The governor of Alabama – he's off the center of the stage now, for sure. You betcha!

  9. Rambone

    Don't retreat, Sarah! Reload!*

    * (and I am not encouraging gun violence in any way, shape or form)

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Exactly. If Sarah would have been more committed to loading, this never would have happened.

    1. Mahousu

      Shailey gets very good reviews at insiderpages:
      Do you feel the "physician" spends an appropriate amount of time with you? 5 of 5 stars.
      Ease of scheduling urgent appointments when you feel "ill" 5 of 5 stars
      How long do you have to wait before you see the "physician"? Under 10 min.
      Now that's customer service!

  10. Ducksworthy

    Hopefully the national lamestream media will soon defer all Palin related coverage to the National Enquire where it belongs. Is Trig the Batboy? Also

  11. walstib

    Have you seen the boothog Todd's bangin'?

    The Snowbilly's hoohaw must have teeth or somethin'…

    And also, too.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Mebbe it's just all wore out. All them damn kids. What did pore ol' Todd do to deserve 'em?

    1. Radiotherapy

      …and it's not her fault, she just wants to go on to bigger and better ways to "serve the 'mericun people."

  12. SorosBot

    This shouldn't really be a surprise, nor should the rumors about Sarah's alleged affair, if true. Among the trashier, teabagg-ish section of the population, cheating is apparently much more common, and treated as no big deal by acquaintances, than among the decadent liberal elites.

    1. Rarian Rakista

      Evangelical Christians pretty much drive the cost of divorce lawyers up for everyone. My staunch teapartier Aunt Ruth is on her 4th husband and has already confessed to cheating on him with her 1st, who she at this point might remarry because he was the only one she ever loved.

      1. SorosBot

        Yet it's people who love each other and happen to have the same type of genitals that are destroying marriage. Note to fundies: you are the reason the divorce rate you love to complain about is so high, and it's because you idiots rush into marriage without even living together first; you should not get married until you're sure.

          1. MsQuasimodo

            Fundies don't know how one gets pregnant, they do not know about contraception or STDs, because, you know, abstinence sex ed and abortion's murder and Jebus said no sex before marriage, hur hur hur

  13. emmelemm

    I believe the correct phrase is "Cha-ching!" for a cash register sound. "Ching ching" really is more like Rush Limbaugh making fun of Chinese people.

    1. Ken Layne

      Oh well thanks for telling me how to lose my entire SECOND TOPICAL REFERENCE JOKE. Some of us are trying to make *art* out of this bullshit, you know?

  14. slithytoves

    At least the nature of this attack on Sarah Palin will be more to her intellectual level rather than how her "discourse" aka talkiness has contributed to inflamed vitriol (you know she had to fucking look that word up).

    1. ChessieNefercat

      There, there. Hillary is actually smart, talented, and accomplished. It's not like she spent the next decade squawking and braying about how her dude done her wrong.

      1. SorosBot

        Also the whole Monica thing didn't come after Hillary had an affair with Bill's business partner.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      That was the first thought I had. I'm sure the vast majority of the women who see themselves as mama grizzly types spend a lot of time worried about where their husbands are when they're at their church meetings and scrap-booking clubs.

    3. cheaphits

      Ah yes, unless Sarah watched, paid for or joined in the action, don't think even her most devoted baggers could get behind that…not in public anyway, but that scenario is the stuff republican wet dreams are made of..

      It at least shows that Nailin' Palin is not as satisfying as advertised.

  15. Monsieur_Grumpe

    That clip is the most sense Rush has made for a while. I can only imagine what the Chinese must think of us when they hear his ignorant jibberish. God what human turd.

    1. zhubajie

      You can be pretty sure that no one cares. No one has even heard of Limpbowel. If they have, well, probably someone would notice that he's an ultra-rightist, like the KMT in Taiwan.

  16. MrsBiggTime

    Taking odds on Todd's peculiar fetishes, those which can't be "handled" at home, due to Sarah's frigid "Arctic Circle."
    :
    Hooker dresses like sexy librarian 2:1
    Performs sex acts euphemistically called "snow plow" 3:2
    Hooker has tramp-stamp of Alaska map on ass; Todd sees Russia 4:1
    Hooker shouts "Drill baby drill" at moment of truth: 3:1

  17. PalinPussyPower

    Why is Mr. Snowbilly paying for some Strange? Greta would have given up the pussy for gratis.

    1. __kth__

      Todd's a good enough lookin guy that he probably doesn't have to pay for the sex, but only for the discretion and for them to go away when their services are no longer required. I'm thinking Greta would be more the "I will not be igNORED, Dan" kind of liaison.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        "…and for them to go away when their services are no longer required…"

        That might be the most tantalizing, irresistable, captivating thing of all for Todd. Worth any amount of money.

    2. MrsBiggTime

      Wait a minute, Greta's a girl? Is that what you're saying? I mean, you are talking about real pussy here, not that kind of 'prison pussy' Todd wears on his face?? Wow. Just wow.

  18. horsedreamer_1

    I used to think this family was perfect for Springer.

    Now, it's clear, Maury needs to do a whole week of "who's the baby-father?".

    1. EdFlintstone

      Just think everytime Bristol looks down at her bundle of joy, she can be reminded of daddy's whore. That's white trash hall of fame shit there.

  19. baconzgood

    I want to make a snark about him going to prostitutes because she is such a bitchy-self involved-fridiged-whiney lover and she pouts when she doesn't get exactly what she wants when she wants it….But that would mean I'd have to think about her having sex, which is sort of like watching someone kick a puppy really hard into the face of a baby. So you'll just have to make up your own.

    Oh- BLOOD LIBEL

      1. Barbara_i

        What does it matter what size the TV is? My husband is a corporate business executive for a company that owns 3 casinos, 17 restaurants…..(still care what size the TV is, lol?)

      1. Barbara_i

        Soros, whatever your little robot heart desires. If we run out we can just whip out the blender and make Nyquiladas. Arrive in 3 weeks from tomorrow and you can go to Scottsdale and then to Vegas with us.

        We can make up cocktails of our own and name them after Palin. Sex-on-the-bitch, shooters (natch) Tequlila-wolf-from-a-helicopter.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I see there is an accountant (?) in New Orleans with that name, which is not germane, but there is a massage therapist in Wasilla, same name.

      Happy ending, eh, now, Todd?

      [Bro-fist]

      1. MrsBiggTime

        Well, crap – now the Wasilla Tripp has pulled her profile. That's ok girl, you'll always be my BFF for this one.

  20. SorosBot

    Sigh. Yes, Rush, the Chinese talk like that; one of them also put pee-pee in your coke. Way to act both racist and like a ten-year-old.

    1. Barbara_i

      I've allways been fascinated by idiots who go into Chinese retaurants and make fun of the server. Dude, they are going to handle your food. I went to Burger King with a friend who ordered at the drive-thru and the employee couldn't understand him. He shouts back, "get the order right, idiot!" I was like, no thanks, I'm not hungry anymore.

  21. V572625694

    Wait a minute, the Enquirer is not a reputable news source. They make outrageous allegations which are…uh, right more often than not. Just ask Johnny! And his lawyers!

  22. Beetagger

    Todd has to pay for it in order to fu*k without listening to the Snow Harpy all the while. Major boner-killer. You betcha.

  23. Chet Kincaid

    This is what our journalistic institutions have come to–a pack of sled dogs lashed into a frenzy by the latest issue of the National Enquirer. Mush, media, mush!!

  24. Barbara_i

    It was explained to me that men don't pay prostitutes to have sex. They pay them not to be there when they wake up.

    1. Sheesko

      This is absolutely true. And to listen to, and pretend to believe, their lies about what great successes they are in whatever business they say they're in. Please do not ask me how I know this.

  25. WIDTAP

    Clearly this is the fault of the Democrats. As we all know, hookers are notorious liberals. Uh…I mean as you all know…uh… I mean … its been reported that….also.

  26. LionelHutzEsq

    First of all, Congratulations to Wonkette of getting a picture of Todd and his Whore up before the Enquirer did. Bravo!

    Second, I cannot wait for Palin's Facebook video where she states that if it wasn't for the English taking away Jack the Ripper's Second Amendment rights, we wouldn't have to worry about whores like this.

    Third, any equivalency you draw between whoever Todd is sleeping with for money and Bristol making money for sleeping around with whoever is just so ill founded. After all, the Todd's whore appears to have real skills.

    Finally, is Rush now stealing Stephen Colbert's bits? What's next? Bill O'Reilly doing a fifteen minute take down of Glenn Beck's chalkboard lifted from Jon Stewart? The whole world has gone macaca!

  27. crybabyboehner

    After living with Ms. Thang for these many years he was probably thinking of the Sheen Doctrine:

    You don't pay them for sex, you pay them to GO AWAY.

  28. __kth__

    Sarah's thinking, damn, I had the name Shailey picked out for when Willow gets knocked up and I have to pretend it's mine.

  29. BarackMyWorld

    Anything I could possibly have came up with to say about this has already been said.

    You fuckers.

    1. SorosBot

      Money Sarah "earned"; you forgot the scare quotes, the woman hasn't earned one cent her entire life.

  30. MiniMencken

    Seems like ever'body in the whole wide world is gettin' some strange 'ceptin' me. Should I become a Republican?

    1. WIDTAP

      Oh please don't. The last stop on that train is in a men's bathroom making offers of $20 to give other men blowjobs.

    1. Barbara_i

      "Your Dad sleeps with hores" "Nuh uh, ur brother is a retard" "Yeah, so is urs" "OMG, did you see those adorable Ugg boots I wore to Family Court?"

      1. Extemporanus

        IntenseDebate left me with no other choice but to go all RU-486 on its ass:

        By the time my heartbreaking comment of staggering genius finally crowned, the thread was already awash in the acerbic afterbirth of a few too many disconcertingly similar Wonketteer womb rats.

  31. Moleman_v3

    When reached for comment, Mr. Palin's spokesman denied the allegations and said during his absences from the Palin household, his client had been hiking the Iditarod Trail.

    1. cheaphits

      I've been to Alaska – know what the "Iditarod Trail" is?

      It involves a couple, and Eskimo prostitute, a totem pole and a team of sled dogs…use your imagination.

  32. lochnessmonster

    My money was on finding out Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin, Todd, Greta & her hubby were swingers and they'd uncover some video of their "partying". However when I think about it, she's never home and running around the country with her kids. What's a guy to do in Alaska all alone?

      1. 102415

        She doesn't give a shit. Why would she? It will just make her a victim which she and her followers need to pretend to be. I think it was done on purpose to get over the blood libel mistake. Poor Sarah. Poor United States of America.

  33. Extemporanus

    HEADLINE HOOKER: "Igloo of Ill Refute"

    (Lamestream media, leave the money on my IntenseDresser on your way out.)

  34. Extemporanus

    And my comment didn't even have any replies to it when it was deleted!

    Fucking IntenseDebate…how does it work?!

    1. SorosBot

      I guess I hit reply after you deleted, but it went through because it was still on my screen (I was reading by "last activity" and so didn't know someone had given the same link earlier).

  35. LionelHutzEsq

    What is the difference between Todd having sex with the massues and Sarah Palin.

    In one case he is having sex with an obnoxious whore that is only in it for the money, in the other case, he is having sex with a prostitute.

  36. FlownOver

    "Tripp pleaded no contest on June 13, 2010 with sentencing set for June 15, 2011. She agreed to … not post advertisements on CraigsList…."

    Can't wait for Governor QuittyWhine to weigh in on how the evil government is trampling on Ms. Tripp's great first amendment rights.

  37. hagajim

    So let's get this right…The First Dude watches his "clearly a total bitch" wife cash in for some $14 million being "America's Next Famewhore" and he decides to pay for some hot hooker sex? Fuck, if I were him I'd go all Charlie Sheen and get some coke and booze too….it's Alaska and the snowcunt right? Seems like a no brainer to me.

  38. GregComlish

    Mutually gratifying sex is a form of Socialism. Todd should be applauded for his innovative Capitalist solutions to this age-old problem. Only through vigilant masturbation and prostitution are our actions consistent with rational self-interest. Sarah teaches us this in every single one of her media appearances.

  39. Toomush_Infer

    Yeah, well, all comments above aside- sadly, Sarah won't be aware of this, because only enquiring minds want to know….

  40. 4TheTurnstiles

    Context: Frank Gifford hooked up with teh hookers because Kathie Lee wouldn't put out the buttsecks.

    Connection: Like Frank Gifford, Todd Palin is married to a constipated, verbose, vain, and vapid talking head. And like Mr Gifford, Mr Palin is clearly *not* wearing the pants.

    Speculation: Mrs Palin doesn't do the buttsecks?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I think it's more likely that Sarah and Kathie Lee won't do anything that will prevent them from talking.

    2. mourningnmerica

      Look, I hate Sarah as much as the next guy. But Kathie Lee is QUEEN of the pig people. That's cold.

  41. VinnyThePooh

    Todd is back in the game, now that HabCare finally rid him of that mysterious rash he got from Sarah.

  42. mourningnmerica

    What did y'all expect from these hillbillies? This is why locals refer to Wasilla as "swaller holler".

  43. sarjo

    To repeat:

    "Todd Palin schtupping overweight massage therapist in refudiation of Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign?"

  44. Limeylizzie

    If it would make that nasal voiced, mean-spirited, narcissistic, attention-mongering cunt go away, I would fuck Todd.hell at this point I'd even go down on Palin if she would fuck-off.

    1. 4TheTurnstiles

      Could be, though, that her voicebox would relax if she finally busted an oyster. She's got the No Orgasm Blues written all over her. As my little league coach used to say (a large man of African American descent), "she needs to get fucked by a big black guy." Or a woman who looks like John Goodman.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        But first, she would have to realize that there are, in fact, other people in the world. Some of whom could or would ew do her.

  45. OldWiseWizard

    Man, the idea of being a prostitute in a state exclusively inhabited by meth-addled lost souls is already sadder than a hundred Todd Solondz movies. Throw in having your titties, over-sensitive from breast feeding, being tickled first dude's goatee and you have a bonafied Oprah book club staple.

  46. zhubajie

    You can be absolutely certain that almost no one in China has heard of Rush Limbaugh. Nor would they care much what a pang laowai (fat paleface) says.

    1. Negropolis

      Probably, because they have their own Rush Limbaughs (probably in the thousands) to point out the evils of America.

      1. zhubajie

        No, worse, they believe all the cliches they see in movies like "Sleepless in Seattle" or "Ghost."

        Here in Kunming, the local school district is actually buying Focus on the Family materials for their so-called sex ed class!

  47. zhubajie

    Remember, Todd is a sailor! And an oilfield worker! He comes home once a year, makes the mama-grisly PG. What do you think he does the other 360 days a year? Of course he scr*ws hookers! Probably Eskimoes or skinny blonde Russians!

    1. ChessieNefercat

      You are so logical. Of course you're right. Probably quiet Eskimoes or skinny blonde Russians?

      1. zhubajie

        Well, someone heard sex noises while waiting their turn at the Thrilla in Wasilla Massage Parlor!

  48. johnnyzhivago

    The great thing about the Palins is that just when you think they couldn't get any stupider, or sleazier, or skankier – they deliver!

    I don't know why they only have a TV show – they could make up a whole basic cable package.

  49. Pragmatist2

    Question: What's the difference between an Alaska trailer park hooker and the former Governor of Alaska?
    Answer: Lipstick

  50. slowhansolo

    Man, these people are pros. Soon as something happens that seriously takes the shine from old Sarah, old Todd steps up and takes one for the team.

    I'd applaud if I didn't already have my head in the oven.

  51. SaintRond

    Even imagining the noise Sarah Palin makes when she's being fucked really hard is enough to make my head hurt. Of course her husband is going to want to bang someone else.

  52. 102415

    Planned distraction from the blood libel mess. No one cares but the supermarket shoppers, who have her confused with Sandra Bullock.Remember when they were getting a divorce last year? Well now they can do it. Todd gets the ugly house and child support/alimony and next year he marries Shailey. Sarah moves to the chick pad in Phoenix adopts a child and wins an Emmy.

  53. Silversmith

    I think y'all are missing the bigger story here if you haven't read down a paragraph or two – just take Jennifer Aniston out for a few drinks and you're gold.

  54. AKbum

    This is Ollllllllld news in AK. Sarah hasn't been giving it up for YEARS. Her political "career" is the only thing stopping an outright divorce (though, that never stopped Gingrich). He's been "slapped on the wrist" by both the Anchorage PD and the AST, and this is COMMON knowledge.

  55. Extemporanus

    DIE, ZOMBIE FUCKING COMMENT, DIE!

    I deleted my original dumb comment to death in the head less than a minute after it posted [Because: IntenseDURRRbate bullshit + thread refresh/reread FAIL = fucking retardundant comment]. AND YET!

    My deleted comment hath miraculously risen all Lazarus-like and shit from whichever Commodore 64 cassette drive our Lord Wonkette had it buried in! Why did this happen?!

    This time, I'm gonna delete its fucking head off. If it comes back after that, RUN!

  56. doxastic

    Jeez, if anyone ever needed to quit their job to spend more time with their family, it's this lady.

  57. Darklady

    Seriously… who can blame him?

    Sarah looks dapper in a tight suit dress… but she also looks icy, selfish, and just plain not sensual/sexual. She seems to use her sexuality like a weapon or a tool, but not as a means towards pleasure or emotional intimacy.

    The massage therapist will likely be made fun of because she's plump, but she also looks warm, friendly, and like someone who'd be good company. Sex workers provide a valuable service to their clients and Todd looks like someone who's long overdue for a little bit of servicing.

  58. zhubajie

    They want the abstinence for girls part. Also, surprisingly, somenational level leaders have bought into the “Protestantism Makes YouRich” nonsense. I suspect they've been getting it from the likes ofCreflo Dollar, not Max Weber! :-(

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