wasilla family values

National Enquirer Says Todd Palin Bangs Hookers

We always knew he was banging a lady probably. America’s favorite newspaper, the National Enquirer, has another gross scoop about political celebrities boning people they aren’t married to — this time it’s “first dude” Todd Palin, who is accused of repeatedly banging a hooker who was then arrested for being a prostitute. How will Sarah Palin turn this to her advantage? Easy: Everything is already about Sarah Palin, to Sarah Palin, and this is probably more about (or, er, not about, but not about in a more “about way,” personally) Sarah Palin than most things which are, in fact, only about Sarah Palin in her mind — because she is a delusional narcissistic sociopath who, based on nothing but her greed and lust for cable-news notoriety, believes she should run the world. Anyway, Todd! Who knew, right? He looked so gay!

The newspaper of record reports:

While the story heats up on the internet, The ENQUIRER has uncovered official documents confirming the woman’s arrest, and learned police have confiscated physical evidence that could tie Todd to an alleged extramarital affair.

We have also uncovered documents that show the woman contributed free massages to an anonymous person working for Sarah’s campaign for governor of Alaska.

Haha we’ve been getting this same email the National Enquirer based their whole EXCLUSIVE on, and we just ignored it, because for fuck’s sake we are so tired of the Palins. But, page views, right! Ching Ching! (That is the sound of a cash register, if such a thing even exists anymore, and not the sound of Rush Limbaugh making fun of how the Chinese president talks. Ha ha, Chinese people, what the fuck are they even talking about, amirite?!)

Sarah is going to make somebody write a very heartfelt “America My Heart Is Felt” blood libel bestseller about how fuckin’ Todd wronged her, because she is actually a transvestite. [National Enquirer]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • Troubledog

    Oh good. Something else for her to be a victim about.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Even Todd's getting tired of her!

      • sati_demise

        word.

    • jim89048

      She rarely comments on the true scandals, though.

      • Troubledog

        She doesn't have to say a word about this; she can just stand there in silence, holding her retard baby with a trembling lip and a single tear and they will elevate her to Sainthood.

        Afterwards they will go to counseling and renew their vows, because Christianity is all about forgiveness, you know. The 'vangies feed on this shit.

    • V572625694

      To palinate about.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Can't say a damned thing. Attacking the Enquirer would alienate too much of her base.

  • EdFlintstone

    Banging Sarah counts as having sex with a prostitute.

    • Ducksworthy

      Bravo!

    • CapnFatback

      Bangs them? He marries them!

    • FNMA

      And I think you'd have to say that Sarah has priced herself out of the market.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Filet mignon price, ground chuck pedigree.

        • FNMA

          Yeah, not much bang for buck there.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Ground chuck my ass. Sarah's pedigree is strictly bulk ground "meat" that's seconds away from being beyond its sell-by date.

          • OC_Surf_Serf

            Jack-in-the-Box's taco protein stuffing?

          • Crank_Tango

            No shit–when I was a kid I worked in the local supermarket meatroom, and they would take the crappy ass scraps and make the freezer patties out of it. We called it the shit grind.

            As far as the fresh stuff goes, when it went grey and shitty, they would grind a heart with it and that would make it red again.

            Sarah Palin, shit grind.

          • Blood Liberal

            Liberals, shit grind.

          • teebob2000

            Day late and a dollar short, asshat.

    • Ohmyhat

      [APPLAUSE]

    • Radiotherapy

      C'mon Ed, don't you know we're not supposed to say "banging" anymore?

    • Blood Liberal

      Steve Gobie.

      • Barbara_i

        Your avatar really creeps me out.

        • Blood Liberal

          how about Steve Gobie?

          • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

            Mark Foley. Ted Haggard. Jeff Gannon. George Rekkers.

            Thanks for playing.

          • Barbara_i

            How about if you blow me, Blood Liberal? Make the political point that you want, yet posting as your avatar the face of the monster who killed a slew of people, injured many and took the life of a nine year-old baby girl makes me want to puke. I'm the mother of two daughters and you've obviously, never held a baby girl in your lap, pink as gum, big blueberry eyes looking up at you, with their breath that smells like cookies.

            Feel free to slide under a gasoline truck and taste your own arterial spray, asshole.

          • Blood Liberal

            typical arrogance and projection

          • teebob2000

            Fuck you.

          • ShaveTheWhales

            Neilist, just stop it.

          • Refudiation

            Todd Palin is fucking Steve Gobie, too? Oh, the humanity.

        • Barbara_i

          Grew up one of nine in a family who could afford no children. Children in peril is my Achille's heel. And animals. Sorry for the rant. That avatar is just too much.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      wow that's the biggest p-ness I ever saw for a single comment, well done Ed, you're at least a 5-diamond whore now!!

  • Tommmcatt

    Sarah who?

    (I know, I know. Just wishful thinking.)

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

      I luvs the story, thanx Nat Eq…today's paper of record and one of about three of the print and broadcast media that still do any real investigative journalism.

      Let's just double hope that Sarah was there with a gallon of baby seal blood, a case of virulent gonorrhea, a trained donkey, that Shailey is Todd's half sister, one cup, a totem pole and an undercover cop.

      THAT might be enough to make her "Sarah Who" in about three months.

  • Ducksworthy

    Are you sure he wasn't snorting meth and banging a male prostitute? They exist you know. Even in Alaska.

    • jim89048

      Frozen Eskimo ladyboyjuice on a stick!

    • Beowoof

      Maybe Todd was being banged by a male prostitute,

    • Terry

      The difference is that in Alaska, a male prostitute wears Carhart overalls rather than short shorts.

      • elviouslyqueer

        But enough smack talk about Levi.

      • Negropolis

        And, instead of heels he wears mukluks if you get an Alaska Native up on the North Slope.

  • SorosBot

    If the rumors that Kathleen Parker is about to be fired from Parker-Spitzer are true, I think we've found our new co-host.

    • jim89048

      The whore, not the Todd, right?

      • LetUsBray

        How do you tell 'em apart?

        • HistoriCat

          The prostitute has integrity.

    • FNMA

      I don't know. How many whore diamonds does she have?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

      Read comments then post, read comments then post, read comments then post.. Will I never learn?

      • LionelHutzEsq

        [Edit] See post below, as IntenseDebate hates me.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      But Greta Van Susteren already has a job at FOX.

    • CZL

      A Palin-Spitzer sounds like a German snuff porn move.

  • Ducksworthy

    Ewww. Physical evidence linking Toad to an extra-marital affair. Ewww. No more. These people are just too tacky.

    • RedneckMuslin

      It could just mean snow machine tracks on her back.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Prostie got run over by the First Dude
        Walking home from the bordello Christmas Eve
        Now you can say there's not such thing as Grifting
        But as for me & Piper we believe

    • JadedDissonance

      Tacky as in that slightly-sticky feeling between finger and thumb?

    • Negropolis

      Probably a pair of shit-stained Fruit-of-the-Looms.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    and "confiscated physical evidence"…the spare key to the Ice Diamond whore's snowmachine?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Sarah should lower her prices for Todd.

    • Negropolis

      Oooo, I see what you did there. So good.

  • ringletwraith

    Sarah will stand by her man, because that's what Hillary did. And she and Hillary have a lot of things in common. Also.

    • horsedreamer_1

      18 million spermatozoa on our marriages's dignity.

      • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

        Damn, who stayed up counting those?

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Parker-Spitzer covering this tonight? I'd be interested in Eliot's take.

    • deanbooth

      A Spitzer take, I'd guess.

  • prommie

    Alaska trailer trash dudes bang hookers? No fucking way.

    • V572625694

      Can you imagine the sheer skankiness of a hooker working some Alaska pipeline camp in the middle of nowhere?

      • baconzgood

        It's called "trading up"

      • baconzgood

        It's called trading up.

      • prommie

        Shudder!

    • HolyMaracas

      Was it at Wasilla's Motel 6 or at Todd's cousin's meth lab?

    • GOPCrusher

      Waiting for the other shoe to drop and find out that they were also biologically related.

      • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

        In Republican circles that's called "family values", I believe.

  • neiltheblaze

    Well, hell, do you blame him?

    • Beowoof

      Naw the thought of banging Sarah, everyday, for how many years, and then she probably wants him to talk to her, saying sweet nothings, such as you are hot Sarah, also too you betcha, and I know you love money me too, and then her reposnse OH GOD you betcha, OH GOD also too.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "sound of Rush Limbaugh making fun of how the Chinese president talks."

    Tangential I know, but wasn't that all about Shaquille O'Neal bagging on Yao Ming?

    Also, who could blame Todd, too. Hmmm?

    • Ducksworthy

      Sound of one hand fapping?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Yeah with the distinction that Shaq said he was sorry when people were offended.

  • nounverb911

    Prostitutes are easier to sleep with than (mama) grizzly bears.

  • OkieDokieDog

    This is all Obama's fault.

    I bet the Palinites are already praying for Todd to give up his evil liberal hooker sent by the devil to woo him away from the Divine Miss P. I predict a renewal of wedding vows in the future.

    This too; also tee hee & LMAO. Couldn't happen to a nicer couple.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      And in the Xtian cosmology, all he has to do is ask the Lord (Xenu?) for forgiveness and everything is alrighty again. Of course then he's her brother and she's his sister and all, but that's a problem for another day, you bet'cha!

  • bumfug

    Poor Todd, forced to choose between a sleazy, cum-splattered piece of amoral dreck …and a prostitute.

    • sati_demise

      hey-oh!

    • baconzgood

      (rim shot)

      • MrsBiggTime

        Upvote for most appropriate use of the term "rim shot" on Wonkette, ever.

      • hunnybee

        perfect

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          Welcome hun.

    • MrsBiggTime

      "cum-splattered piece of amoral dreck" FTW.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        In fairness, that was lifted straight from Sarah Palin's last "State of the State" address.

    • GOPCrusher

      Cum-splattered piece of amoral dreck=Great Band Name

  • JadedDissonance

    Whatever. The Enquirer said all that crap about that wonderful boy John Edwards, and not a lick of it came true!

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Yeah, they really messed up that time, didn't they!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Remember that when the National Enquirer went after John Edwards, the right wing nutz made it out to be The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Washington Times all rolled into one – just the best newspaper ever!

      Now it will be villified as a rag nobody should pay the slightest bit of attention to.

      The conservatives still linger over Miss Monica's "Blue Dress" – physical evidence of this dalliance is going to be gross, in poor taste, and beyond what the public should be reading about. Just watch – it will happen!

      I forgot "Stage III" – the routine plea for privacy during this difficult time for the family. Like the conservatives ever believed in that – other than for one of their own, of course.

      And who is the happiest guy in the USofA tonight? The governor of Alabama – he's off the center of the stage now, for sure. You betcha!

  • Rambone

    Don't retreat, Sarah! Reload!*

    * (and I am not encouraging gun violence in any way, shape or form)

    • baconzgood

      Hee-Hee. You said "load"

      • horsedreamer_1

        Exactly. If Sarah would have been more committed to loading, this never would have happened.

  • Grief_Lessons

    Wow, everything this gal touches just turns to gold.

    • JoeBiteme

      HAAAAAA Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love it…

  • EdFlintstone

    The hooker is named Shailey Tripp, so that's where Bristol got the name for her kid.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Todd was Tripping delight funtastic?

    • neiltheblaze

      Any relation to Linda?

      • ringletwraith

        Let's just hope there is no relation to Tripp.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Ewwwwwwwwwww!

      • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

        A cousin of Grady Tripp who used to sing with the Trapps.

    • mumbly_joe

      Ugh, sounds painful.

    • jim89048

      Shailey Tripp–incubus, or succubus?

      • elviouslyqueer

        I saw what you did there. Well done!

    • Mahousu

      Shailey gets very good reviews at insiderpages:
      Do you feel the "physician" spends an appropriate amount of time with you? 5 of 5 stars.
      Ease of scheduling urgent appointments when you feel "ill" 5 of 5 stars
      How long do you have to wait before you see the "physician"? Under 10 min.
      Now that's customer service!

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

        Hmmm…there even seem to be some customer reviews…

  • Ducksworthy

    Hopefully the national lamestream media will soon defer all Palin related coverage to the National Enquire where it belongs. Is Trig the Batboy? Also

  • MrsBiggTime

    Spilling his seed!? Not true!! I will not be a part of this semen-libel.

  • genxr

    This is a clear-cut case of body fluid libel.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I don't know, but I've been told…

    • Barbara_i

      It's awfully cold….

    • __kth__

      It's so cold in Alaska

      • Moonbat

        It's such an icy feeling…

    • Barbara_i

      Whores and hockey players? Wrong punchline?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      That it's like a wizard's sleeve? no wait that doesn't rhyme.

  • Sassomatic

    Well, he was already married to a media whore, so this isn't much different.

  • Buzz Feedback

    "Happy Ending" from an Alaskan masseuse involves whale fat and a vibrating harpoon.

  • HolyMaracas

    We can't really blame Todd for wanting to bang somebody with higher moral standards.

    • jim89048

      At least whores (the good ones anyway) know when to STFU already.

      • SorosBot

        The whores also actually work for a living.

        • jim89048

          Hard ass-workers, just like Brisket!

          • Negropolis

            ROTFL @ "Brisket".

        • emmelemm

          And once again, they don't quit half-way through like SOME people we could mention.

  • walstib

    Have you seen the boothog Todd's bangin'?

    The Snowbilly's hoohaw must have teeth or somethin'…

    And also, too.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Mebbe it's just all wore out. All them damn kids. What did pore ol' Todd do to deserve 'em?

  • Sassomatic

    So how soon will we see this whore on Dancing With the Stars?

    • ChessieNefercat

      Wait a minute. Which whore are we talking about? Sarah or the one Tawd's banging?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Yes.

  • Weenus299

    Don't blame Toad. Sarah just quits halfway through …

    • genxr

      Quits halfway through so she can go post on facebook, for fucks sake.

    • JadedDissonance

      You deserve a solid round of fisting for that.

    • Radiotherapy

      …and it's not her fault, she just wants to go on to bigger and better ways to "serve the 'mericun people."

  • SorosBot

    This shouldn't really be a surprise, nor should the rumors about Sarah's alleged affair, if true. Among the trashier, teabagg-ish section of the population, cheating is apparently much more common, and treated as no big deal by acquaintances, than among the decadent liberal elites.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Is that you, Ross Douchehat?

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Evangelical Christians pretty much drive the cost of divorce lawyers up for everyone. My staunch teapartier Aunt Ruth is on her 4th husband and has already confessed to cheating on him with her 1st, who she at this point might remarry because he was the only one she ever loved.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Not Perfect, Just Forgiven™.

      • SorosBot

        Yet it's people who love each other and happen to have the same type of genitals that are destroying marriage. Note to fundies: you are the reason the divorce rate you love to complain about is so high, and it's because you idiots rush into marriage without even living together first; you should not get married until you're sure.

        • miss_grundy

          Actually fundies are more into shotgun weddings. Perhaps they get a discount from the NRA?

          • MsQuasimodo

            Fundies don't know how one gets pregnant, they do not know about contraception or STDs, because, you know, abstinence sex ed and abortion's murder and Jebus said no sex before marriage, hur hur hur

      • horsedreamer_1

        When Bill Clinton's mother did that, it was low.

        Now, with your aunt — American ingenuity.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    The problem is that Sarah never shuts up enough to give a decent blow job.

  • emmelemm

    I believe the correct phrase is "Cha-ching!" for a cash register sound. "Ching ching" really is more like Rush Limbaugh making fun of Chinese people.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Oh well thanks for telling me how to lose my entire SECOND TOPICAL REFERENCE JOKE. Some of us are trying to make *art* out of this bullshit, you know?

    • miss_grundy

      I thought cash registers made more of a ka-ching sound myself.

  • Troubledog

    She's not really a whore. Those are surveyor's marks along the veins and between her toes.

  • slithytoves

    At least the nature of this attack on Sarah Palin will be more to her intellectual level rather than how her "discourse" aka talkiness has contributed to inflamed vitriol (you know she had to fucking look that word up).

  • sati_demise

    Holy hell! This could backfire. I mean, look at Hillary, for gods sake.

    Help!

    • ChessieNefercat

      There, there. Hillary is actually smart, talented, and accomplished. It's not like she spent the next decade squawking and braying about how her dude done her wrong.

      • SorosBot

        Also the whole Monica thing didn't come after Hillary had an affair with Bill's business partner.

    • Jukesgrrl

      That was the first thought I had. I'm sure the vast majority of the women who see themselves as mama grizzly types spend a lot of time worried about where their husbands are when they're at their church meetings and scrap-booking clubs.

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

      Ah yes, unless Sarah watched, paid for or joined in the action, don't think even her most devoted baggers could get behind that…not in public anyway, but that scenario is the stuff republican wet dreams are made of..

      It at least shows that Nailin' Palin is not as satisfying as advertised.

    • ImpureScience

      Aye, they are sisters now…

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Will Sarah be turning the First Dude into kinetic art – a Calderesque snowbilly mobile?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    That clip is the most sense Rush has made for a while. I can only imagine what the Chinese must think of us when they hear his ignorant jibberish. God what human turd.

    • zhubajie

      You can be pretty sure that no one cares. No one has even heard of Limpbowel. If they have, well, probably someone would notice that he's an ultra-rightist, like the KMT in Taiwan.

  • smokefilledroommate

    massage therapist and computer technologist

    Shailey, Orly. Orly, Shailey.

    • gvvt

      and whore. Bangin' out code all day, workin' the whole Alaskan night.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I hope this story has a happy ending.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      In many ways, it already does.

  • Weenus299

    Was her name Bristol or Willow?

    • Radiotherapy

      Or Whistle or Brillo?

  • MrsBiggTime

    Taking odds on Todd's peculiar fetishes, those which can't be "handled" at home, due to Sarah's frigid "Arctic Circle."
    :
    Hooker dresses like sexy librarian 2:1
    Performs sex acts euphemistically called "snow plow" 3:2
    Hooker has tramp-stamp of Alaska map on ass; Todd sees Russia 4:1
    Hooker shouts "Drill baby drill" at moment of truth: 3:1

    • WunkRocker

      Shailey has a penis. Even Money (shot).

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Singing the Mr Plow song while churning the butter is not considered sexy by the women folk, a lesson I learned in my bygone youth. Carry on.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        For an extra $20, will repeat the phrase "It's so big" during the act- 2:1

    • sarjo

      Oh, please. Sarah does all that not just at home, but in front of a live audience.

  • PalinPussyPower

    Why is Mr. Snowbilly paying for some Strange? Greta would have given up the pussy for gratis.

    • __kth__

      Todd's a good enough lookin guy that he probably doesn't have to pay for the sex, but only for the discretion and for them to go away when their services are no longer required. I'm thinking Greta would be more the "I will not be igNORED, Dan" kind of liaison.

      • Beowoof

        I could see that going all Fatal Attraction on Todd.

      • ChessieNefercat

        "…and for them to go away when their services are no longer required…"

        That might be the most tantalizing, irresistable, captivating thing of all for Todd. Worth any amount of money.

        • HistoriCat

          And here I thought he was just happy he could bang a woman who didn't want to wear the strap-on!

    • Extemporanus
    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      That's not a vagina! Its a battle station.

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

      Maybe to Sarah, Todd, maybe not…she might charge him.

    • MrsBiggTime

      Wait a minute, Greta's a girl? Is that what you're saying? I mean, you are talking about real pussy here, not that kind of 'prison pussy' Todd wears on his face?? Wow. Just wow.

  • OneDollarJuana

    Fuckin' Chinese. How do they work?

    • J Rbt. Oppenheiner

      hard and cheap.

    • zhubajie

      They get a nap after lunch.

  • OneDollarJuana

    And no wonder Todd is banging a hooker. Sarah always quits halfway through.

    • mumbly_joe

      This one deserves the gold, sir or madam.

  • mavenmaven

    It wasn't an affair, he just needed help carrying his luggage.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Today, we are all bangin' hookers.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I used to think this family was perfect for Springer.

    Now, it's clear, Maury needs to do a whole week of "who's the baby-father?".

    • EdFlintstone

      Just think everytime Bristol looks down at her bundle of joy, she can be reminded of daddy's whore. That's white trash hall of fame shit there.

  • baconzgood

    I want to make a snark about him going to prostitutes because she is such a bitchy-self involved-fridiged-whiney lover and she pouts when she doesn't get exactly what she wants when she wants it….But that would mean I'd have to think about her having sex, which is sort of like watching someone kick a puppy really hard into the face of a baby. So you'll just have to make up your own.

    Oh- BLOOD LIBEL

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Also.

  • Barbara_i

    Seriously, if this is true, fingers crossed, the party is at my house!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      OK, but…what's the diagonal on your plasma? And is it 3D?

      • Barbara_i

        60 inches, 3-D, no.

      • Barbara_i

        What does it matter what size the TV is? My husband is a corporate business executive for a company that owns 3 casinos, 17 restaurants…..(still care what size the TV is, lol?)

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          OK, how leggy are the showgirls?

          • Barbara_i

            At what height would you consider a woman "leggy?"

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Well, don't send away the ones you've already got on my account! I'm sure they'll be fine.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Not a matter of height, necessarily: http://www.spike.com/video/woman-crushes/3347370

          • HistoriCat

            Chet your standards are too high.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Size queen.

    • SorosBot

      What booze will be involved?

      • Barbara_i

        Soros, whatever your little robot heart desires. If we run out we can just whip out the blender and make Nyquiladas. Arrive in 3 weeks from tomorrow and you can go to Scottsdale and then to Vegas with us.

        We can make up cocktails of our own and name them after Palin. Sex-on-the-bitch, shooters (natch) Tequlila-wolf-from-a-helicopter.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Hand-crafted Vancouver bud, right, not that Mexican dirt weed?

        • undeterredbyreality

          Is ice-water and bitters a cocktail? Cuz that would make a great Palin.

          • Barbara_i

            Hilarious!

        • Negropolis

          Nyquiladas. Ha! I'd never heard of that.

  • MrsBiggTime

    Shailey Tripp is on Facebook – let's all friend her.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I see there is an accountant (?) in New Orleans with that name, which is not germane, but there is a massage therapist in Wasilla, same name.

      Happy ending, eh, now, Todd?

      [Bro-fist]

      • MrsBiggTime

        Well, crap – now the Wasilla Tripp has pulled her profile. That's ok girl, you'll always be my BFF for this one.

        • HistoriCat

          Please tell me someone got screenshots.

          • Negropolis

            I second that.

  • SorosBot

    Sigh. Yes, Rush, the Chinese talk like that; one of them also put pee-pee in your coke. Way to act both racist and like a ten-year-old.

    • Barbara_i

      I've allways been fascinated by idiots who go into Chinese retaurants and make fun of the server. Dude, they are going to handle your food. I went to Burger King with a friend who ordered at the drive-thru and the employee couldn't understand him. He shouts back, "get the order right, idiot!" I was like, no thanks, I'm not hungry anymore.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Greta Van is a whore???!?!?!?111!?

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Why would you make that sound like a question?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      You say that as if you are surprised.

  • BornInATrailer

    How's that happy, end-y thing workin' out fer ya?

  • V572625694

    Wait a minute, the Enquirer is not a reputable news source. They make outrageous allegations which are…uh, right more often than not. Just ask Johnny! And his lawyers!

    • GOPCrusher

      Jose Canseco approves of this comment.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Any relation to Linda Tripp?
    That would be sweet.

    • Radiotherapy

      That's just an ugly thought.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Word is that Linda Tripp had some serious plastic surgery, so we have to judge based on behavioral evidence. So I think it's the same person.

  • Beetagger

    Todd has to pay for it in order to fu*k without listening to the Snow Harpy all the while. Major boner-killer. You betcha.

    • ChessieNefercat

      I like that. Snow Harpy.

  • MrsBiggTime

    Excellent photo of Shailey Tripp at http://nydn.us/eQdTvg
    Speaking of semen stains, she does look a bit like she's related to Linda Tripp.

    • Barbara_i

      Dude looks like a lady.

    • EdFlintstone

      I never knew semen could be so fattening..

    • superdave

      Oh dear lord!

      • jim89048

        That was the same reaction I had to Al Gore's alleged massage therapist.

    • GOPCrusher

      Jesus H. Christo, I realize it's Alaska, but Tawd could have done better than that.

      • ChessieNefercat

        All that matters is that he thinks he moved up from Sarah.

    • Moleman_v3

      Well, somebody opted for the cold weather package.

      • mourningnmerica

        (rim shot).

    • Extemporanus

      "I did not share Eskimo kisses with that woman, Miss Tripp."

      – Todd Palin

    • Beowoof

      Woof.

    • sati_demise

      Juicy!
      A native just like Todd!

    • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

      I like 'em round, and big! When I'm throwin' a gig I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal… Now here's my scandal!

    • mourningnmerica

      That blouse makes her look heavy.

    • mourningnmerica

      From the look of that picture, I'd say he may have been in it for the blubber.

  • Callyson

    Oh great–now I can't get Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money" out of my head: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TKQcWEXSKU

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    This is what our journalistic institutions have come to–a pack of sled dogs lashed into a frenzy by the latest issue of the National Enquirer. Mush, media, mush!!

    • ChessieNefercat

      I like that Arctic touch. So apropos.

  • Barbara_i

    It was explained to me that men don't pay prostitutes to have sex. They pay them not to be there when they wake up.

    • Sheesko

      This is absolutely true. And to listen to, and pretend to believe, their lies about what great successes they are in whatever business they say they're in. Please do not ask me how I know this.

      • Barbara_i

        It's just between the two of us, pinkie swear?

  • WIDTAP

    Clearly this is the fault of the Democrats. As we all know, hookers are notorious liberals. Uh…I mean as you all know…uh… I mean … its been reported that….also.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    First of all, Congratulations to Wonkette of getting a picture of Todd and his Whore up before the Enquirer did. Bravo!

    Second, I cannot wait for Palin's Facebook video where she states that if it wasn't for the English taking away Jack the Ripper's Second Amendment rights, we wouldn't have to worry about whores like this.

    Third, any equivalency you draw between whoever Todd is sleeping with for money and Bristol making money for sleeping around with whoever is just so ill founded. After all, the Todd's whore appears to have real skills.

    Finally, is Rush now stealing Stephen Colbert's bits? What's next? Bill O'Reilly doing a fifteen minute take down of Glenn Beck's chalkboard lifted from Jon Stewart? The whole world has gone macaca!

  • jim89048

    Damn it, it's just too easy. Enjoy your pageviews, wonkeet…

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    http://www.alltherapist.com/shailey-tripp-review….

    Absolute proof of Todd's indiscretion.

    • WIDTAP

      You sir are a damn google goldmine!

    • Barbara_i

      That was freaking hilarious! Thank you!

    • 102415

      Yes! Please give the lady your votes. This is hard work. Yes, you know it is.

      • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

        Gal's got spunk.

  • sportshort

    He's just showing he has Presidential timber. Harhar, wink, wink, sigh. Now I'm tired.

  • SorosBot

    Todd, your family is rich now; you can splurge and don't have to settle for the fat hooker.

    • Ducksworthy

      Todd's got that Esquimau thing going for him. He like's 'em plump.

      • SorosBot

        She looks kind of like the doctor's secretary on "Northern Exposure".

      • Radiotherapy

        They are igloo ugly — but he's really inuit.

        • Extemporanus

          Todd's a master of Aleutian.

          (I love you're hummer, to.)

          • Radiotherapy

            Yukons always make me lappe — deleted or otherwise.

  • crybabyboehner

    After living with Ms. Thang for these many years he was probably thinking of the Sheen Doctrine:

    You don't pay them for sex, you pay them to GO AWAY.

  • GOPCrusher

    Well, she's never home to bang. Would Sarah be happier if Todd was banging the kids?

    • mourningnmerica

      Are you sure he's not? Hey, his grandson is NAMED after the ho. I'm just sayin'…

  • Radiotherapy

    He's a commercial fisherman hookerman alright.

    • Barbara_i

      So Sarah was just assuming that he was a master baiter?

      • Radiotherapy

        He must have just lost his 'lure.

  • __kth__

    Sarah's thinking, damn, I had the name Shailey picked out for when Willow gets knocked up and I have to pretend it's mine.

  • Schmannnity

    Timing sucks–too late for Dickcember too early for Fibuary.

    • SenileAgitation

      There's always Jizzuary

    • mourningnmerica

      Yeah, Eskimohouary just isn't funny.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Anything I could possibly have came up with to say about this has already been said.

    You fuckers.

  • gullywompr

    Will this family stop at nothing just to get themselves a media story?

    • ChessieNefercat

      No.

    • 102415

      No.

  • OldRedneck

    Do you suppose Todd pays these hookers with money Sarah earned from Fox??/

    • SorosBot

      Money Sarah "earned"; you forgot the scare quotes, the woman hasn't earned one cent her entire life.

    • jim89048

      Money, like oil, is fungible. Just ask $arah.

      • HistoriCat

        I don't think she knows what fungible means. Probably thinks it's some weird vaginal disease.

  • MiniMencken

    Seems like ever'body in the whole wide world is gettin' some strange 'ceptin' me. Should I become a Republican?

    • GOPCrusher

      I concur. Perhaps I should either become Republiklan or lower my moral standards.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Same thing.

    • undeterredbyreality

      Depends on just how strange you like it.

    • WIDTAP

      Oh please don't. The last stop on that train is in a men's bathroom making offers of $20 to give other men blowjobs.

  • fuflans

    i can't wait to see mercede and bristol's facebook exchange.

    • Barbara_i

      "Your Dad sleeps with hores" "Nuh uh, ur brother is a retard" "Yeah, so is urs" "OMG, did you see those adorable Ugg boots I wore to Family Court?"

  • __kth__

    Also we need to know if Shailey Tripp offers the second shakra, for balance.

    • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

      This is Wonkette. We're all about the ol' muladhara, if you know what I mean <wink>

  • jaegermeister

    Shtuping everything in site. It's how the Palin's roll.

  • Extemporanus

    Fuck you, IntenseDebate.

    Also, too: that cunt.

    • jim89048

      I didn't think it was like you to euthanize your own post.

      • Extemporanus

        IntenseDebate left me with no other choice but to go all RU-486 on its ass:

        By the time my heartbreaking comment of staggering genius finally crowned, the thread was already awash in the acerbic afterbirth of a few too many disconcertingly similar Wonketteer womb rats.

        • Radiotherapy

          Don't Quit; just Re-post.

  • Moleman_v3

    When reached for comment, Mr. Palin's spokesman denied the allegations and said during his absences from the Palin household, his client had been hiking the Iditarod Trail.

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

      I've been to Alaska – know what the "Iditarod Trail" is?

      It involves a couple, and Eskimo prostitute, a totem pole and a team of sled dogs…use your imagination.

      • Negropolis

        And meth, lots and lots of crystal meth.

  • lochnessmonster

    My money was on finding out Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin, Todd, Greta & her hubby were swingers and they'd uncover some video of their "partying". However when I think about it, she's never home and running around the country with her kids. What's a guy to do in Alaska all alone?

  • Boredw/Gravity

    I wonder if Sarah thinks this stabs hearts.

    • ChessieNefercat

      I wonder if Sarah is thinking of stabbing hearts?

      • 102415

        She doesn't give a shit. Why would she? It will just make her a victim which she and her followers need to pretend to be. I think it was done on purpose to get over the blood libel mistake. Poor Sarah. Poor United States of America.

  • Extemporanus

    HEADLINE HOOKER: "Igloo of Ill Refute"

    (Lamestream media, leave the money on my IntenseDresser on your way out.)

    • undeterredbyreality

      Sarah: Rebootyate this!

  • Extemporanus

    And my comment didn't even have any replies to it when it was deleted!

    Fucking IntenseDebate…how does it work?!

    • SorosBot

      I guess I hit reply after you deleted, but it went through because it was still on my screen (I was reading by "last activity" and so didn't know someone had given the same link earlier).

  • LionelHutzEsq

    What is the difference between Todd having sex with the massues and Sarah Palin.

    In one case he is having sex with an obnoxious whore that is only in it for the money, in the other case, he is having sex with a prostitute.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    "Tripp pleaded no contest on June 13, 2010 with sentencing set for June 15, 2011. She agreed to … not post advertisements on CraigsList…."

    Can't wait for Governor QuittyWhine to weigh in on how the evil government is trampling on Ms. Tripp's great first amendment rights.

  • hagajim

    So let's get this right…The First Dude watches his "clearly a total bitch" wife cash in for some $14 million being "America's Next Famewhore" and he decides to pay for some hot hooker sex? Fuck, if I were him I'd go all Charlie Sheen and get some coke and booze too….it's Alaska and the snowcunt right? Seems like a no brainer to me.

  • BklynIlluminati

    Duh! Our Lady of Perpetual Harpy doesn't put out. geez do you blame the guy…

  • billy_reuben

    This is good news for John McCain.

  • hunnybee

    good one

  • Tundra Grifter

    Just exactly how many Alaskan pipelayers are there??

  • GregComlish

    Mutually gratifying sex is a form of Socialism. Todd should be applauded for his innovative Capitalist solutions to this age-old problem. Only through vigilant masturbation and prostitution are our actions consistent with rational self-interest. Sarah teaches us this in every single one of her media appearances.

  • jim89048

    In direct violation of the one-drop rule. He must be punished.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Yeah, well, all comments above aside- sadly, Sarah won't be aware of this, because only enquiring minds want to know….

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    Wait, her name is Shailey Tripp? Really?

  • undeterredbyreality

    Todd goes in, Todd goes out…

    • not that Dewey

      You can't explain it.

  • MiniMencken

    I, for one, can't wait to read about the happy ending.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    Context: Frank Gifford hooked up with teh hookers because Kathie Lee wouldn't put out the buttsecks.

    Connection: Like Frank Gifford, Todd Palin is married to a constipated, verbose, vain, and vapid talking head. And like Mr Gifford, Mr Palin is clearly *not* wearing the pants.

    Speculation: Mrs Palin doesn't do the buttsecks?

    • Jukesgrrl

      I think it's more likely that Sarah and Kathie Lee won't do anything that will prevent them from talking.

      • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

        …and since both talk out their asses… Oh, I get it.

    • mourningnmerica

      Look, I hate Sarah as much as the next guy. But Kathie Lee is QUEEN of the pig people. That's cold.

      • Negropolis

        ROTFLMAO

    • SorosBot

      See what happens when you don't follow Dan Savage's advice and be "good, giving, and game"?

    • zhubajie

      If she did, she might not be constipated!

    • jim89048

      Every time she does, she gets knocked up, so you can't much blame her.

  • Radiotherapy

    Headline:
    The First Dude Likes Eskimo Pie.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      He has given up Crosshair Pie.

    • transfatz

      Hefty, hefty hef ty.

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    Her body language says "no self esteem." Which says something about Todd…

  • VinnyThePooh

    Todd is back in the game, now that HabCare finally rid him of that mysterious rash he got from Sarah.

  • mourningnmerica

    What did y'all expect from these hillbillies? This is why locals refer to Wasilla as "swaller holler".

  • Pragmatist2

    What self-respecting hooker would have sex with Todd Palin?

    • ChessieNefercat

      Well, Sarah did. Oh, wait. For any number of reasons? Never mind. Weirrrd family.

    • Negropolis

      Wait, what is this thing you call a "self-respecting hooker"? Isn't that an oxymoron?

  • mourningnmerica

    When asked if he was cheating, Todd replied "I'm innuit."

  • sarjo

    To repeat:

    "Todd Palin schtupping overweight massage therapist in refudiation of Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign?"

  • Limeylizzie

    If it would make that nasal voiced, mean-spirited, narcissistic, attention-mongering cunt go away, I would fuck Todd.hell at this point I'd even go down on Palin if she would fuck-off.

    • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

      Could be, though, that her voicebox would relax if she finally busted an oyster. She's got the No Orgasm Blues written all over her. As my little league coach used to say (a large man of African American descent), "she needs to get fucked by a big black guy." Or a woman who looks like John Goodman.

      • ChessieNefercat

        But first, she would have to realize that there are, in fact, other people in the world. Some of whom could or would ew do her.

    • Barbara_i

      Thanks for "taking one for the team" Lizzie. You rock!

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      You're a bigger person than I, Liz.

      Love the new look, by the way.

      • Barbara_i

        The hairnet is hawt, eh?

    • Steverino247

      And they wouldn't even have to wear a "certain" uniform? Wow! You are generous to us!

  • OldWiseWizard

    Man, the idea of being a prostitute in a state exclusively inhabited by meth-addled lost souls is already sadder than a hundred Todd Solondz movies. Throw in having your titties, over-sensitive from breast feeding, being tickled first dude's goatee and you have a bonafied Oprah book club staple.

  • zhubajie

    You can be absolutely certain that almost no one in China has heard of Rush Limbaugh. Nor would they care much what a pang laowai (fat paleface) says.

    • sati_demise

      well thats a relief!

    • Negropolis

      Probably, because they have their own Rush Limbaughs (probably in the thousands) to point out the evils of America.

      • zhubajie

        No, worse, they believe all the cliches they see in movies like "Sleepless in Seattle" or "Ghost."

        Here in Kunming, the local school district is actually buying Focus on the Family materials for their so-called sex ed class!

  • zhubajie

    Remember, Todd is a sailor! And an oilfield worker! He comes home once a year, makes the mama-grisly PG. What do you think he does the other 360 days a year? Of course he scr*ws hookers! Probably Eskimoes or skinny blonde Russians!

    • ChessieNefercat

      You are so logical. Of course you're right. Probably quiet Eskimoes or skinny blonde Russians?

      • zhubajie

        Well, someone heard sex noises while waiting their turn at the Thrilla in Wasilla Massage Parlor!

  • transfatz

    "Commercial Fishing" is the new Appalachian Trail.

    Edit: Damn, Radiotherapy.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    The great thing about the Palins is that just when you think they couldn't get any stupider, or sleazier, or skankier – they deliver!

    I don't know why they only have a TV show – they could make up a whole basic cable package.

  • Pragmatist2

    Question: What's the difference between an Alaska trailer park hooker and the former Governor of Alaska?
    Answer: Lipstick

  • les_gvt

    Riley Hunetr was in Alaska?

  • politics_nerd

    JER-RY!! JER-RY!! JER-RY!!!!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Considering how she likes to fuck the occasional moose, I don't think she'd better plan on being too high and mighty.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Man, these people are pros. Soon as something happens that seriously takes the shine from old Sarah, old Todd steps up and takes one for the team.

    I'd applaud if I didn't already have my head in the oven.

  • AddHomonym

    This post has been up for nine hours and still no Drudge link. Puzzling.

  • SaintRond

    Even imagining the noise Sarah Palin makes when she's being fucked really hard is enough to make my head hurt. Of course her husband is going to want to bang someone else.

  • 102415

    Planned distraction from the blood libel mess. No one cares but the supermarket shoppers, who have her confused with Sandra Bullock.Remember when they were getting a divorce last year? Well now they can do it. Todd gets the ugly house and child support/alimony and next year he marries Shailey. Sarah moves to the chick pad in Phoenix adopts a child and wins an Emmy.

  • Silversmith

    I think y'all are missing the bigger story here if you haven't read down a paragraph or two – just take Jennifer Aniston out for a few drinks and you're gold.

  • http://www.rememberancientweb.com/ AKbum

    This is Ollllllllld news in AK. Sarah hasn't been giving it up for YEARS. Her political "career" is the only thing stopping an outright divorce (though, that never stopped Gingrich). He's been "slapped on the wrist" by both the Anchorage PD and the AST, and this is COMMON knowledge.

  • Extemporanus

    DIE, ZOMBIE FUCKING COMMENT, DIE!

    I deleted my original dumb comment to death in the head less than a minute after it posted [Because: IntenseDURRRbate bullshit + thread refresh/reread FAIL = fucking retardundant comment]. AND YET!

    My deleted comment hath miraculously risen all Lazarus-like and shit from whichever Commodore 64 cassette drive our Lord Wonkette had it buried in! Why did this happen?!

    This time, I'm gonna delete its fucking head off. If it comes back after that, RUN!

  • zhubajie

    So how many hookers are there in Wasilla? Anyone know?

  • doxastic

    Jeez, if anyone ever needed to quit their job to spend more time with their family, it's this lady.

  • Darklady

    Seriously… who can blame him?

    Sarah looks dapper in a tight suit dress… but she also looks icy, selfish, and just plain not sensual/sexual. She seems to use her sexuality like a weapon or a tool, but not as a means towards pleasure or emotional intimacy.

    The massage therapist will likely be made fun of because she's plump, but she also looks warm, friendly, and like someone who'd be good company. Sex workers provide a valuable service to their clients and Todd looks like someone who's long overdue for a little bit of servicing.

  • 102415

    Well you can't get an Academy Award unless you make a movie.
    Oh,no….

  • zhubajie

    They want the abstinence for girls part. Also, surprisingly, somenational level leaders have bought into the “Protestantism Makes YouRich” nonsense. I suspect they've been getting it from the likes ofCreflo Dollar, not Max Weber! :-(