Romney Going Around Being Personally Coy To Every Citizen of Iowa and N.H.

  fudge-packing it in

It was four days before the 2010 midterm elections, and Romney was making the Granite State rounds. People applauded him for just walking into a room. At the neocolonial estate of one wealthy contributor, the former Massachusetts governor glided from handshake to handshake, delighted to see so many he called “old friends,” while the new ones lined up to snap pictures. “This is New Hampshire,” Romney remarked in the childlike way of a candidate at work

“And this is a chair. And this is a slice of cheese. And this is a cell phone. And this is a hair I ripped out of my scalp. And this is the floor. And this is a shirt. And this is not a shirt. Vote for me, if I were running for something, though, like, I’m totally not.” [Time]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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42 comments

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I want to know if they make crotchless magic intimates, for the ex-Mormons, like Belladonna.

  1. Tommmcatt

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: Romney will never even be nominated for President of the United States by his party, because it is the party of religious bigotry, and Mormons just don't make the cut.

    I hope he tries again and spends a boatload of cash on it, though. Comedy, you see.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I think Romneycare will hurt him more than sharing a religion with Glenn Beck will. But I also hope he tries again, for great comedy.

    2. GOPCrusher

      If history is any example, here in Iowa during the last Caucuses, he got killed for being pro-choice when he was Governor of Mass.
      Nobody has forgotten about that.

  2. BornInATrailer

    "And this is socialist federally mandated healthcare. And this other thing that looks just the same is state mandated healthcare that meshes perfectly with conservative fiscal policy and personal responsibility. Oops, I've just soiled my magic underwear."

  3. SorosBot

    Why does the Time writer seem to trying to be the next Charles Dickens, and failing spectacularly? It's a puff profile, not a work of literature. Oh, and here's his first line:

    "Once more, Willard Mitt Romney looked great, and not just because of his rugged jawline, which showed no sign of slackening, or his thick blow-dry, which had gone more gray in just the right places."

    It sounds like somebody's got a crush.

    1. BornInATrailer

      "with the muscular language of a man who can get the conservative juices flowing"

      Sounds like somebody needs a Kleenex.

    2. Sophist/Glock Palin

      "Once more, Willard Mitt Romney looked great, and not just because of his rugged jawline, which showed no sign of slackening, or his thick blow-dry, which had gone more gray in just the right places."

      Well, somebody clearly bought an extra large box of commas at Walmart last weekend.

    1. V572625694

      I suggested yesterday that IntenseDebate needed some counseling before it went Full Loughner on us, and this is what happens

  4. MadBrahms

    Every time I see Romney, I think of the ongoing gag on Arrested Development involving Michael Cera's boring girlfriend. "Who? Oh, I mean, 'her'?" "Will bland be coming? I mean, Anne?"

    Basically, the man is beige incarnate, only with mystical undergarments.

  5. Pragmatist2

    He's looking for an additional wife. Hopes to have one from every state. Sort of like a collection.

  6. horsedreamer_1

    While I tend to think anti-Mormon/anti-Taxachusetts bigotry should doom Romney, who else is there? Add to it the Republican nominating style of "the foregone conclusion", & it only makes sense he'll win.

    Just look at these options: John Thune, same blown-dry look as Mitt, but even less intellectual heft; Mitch Daniels, our little friend; Tim Pawlenty, eunech; John Kasich, retread & Deadhead. Rob Portman, the thinking man's Paul Ryan (& almost Mc Cain's running-mate), might pose a challenge, but he'll only have two years in the Senate by the time of the 2012 election. & Huntsman? Another Mormon, & the one who worked for Obama (Ambassador to Red China).

    It's Romney we don't want, & it's Romney we'll get.

    1. V572625694

      Let's face it: if you're seriously a Republican contender, you're not going to blow your chance against an incumbent. If unemployment dips 1.5%, Hopey's unbeatable. So somewhere, a governor of an obscure state or a backbencher from some forgotten district is biding his or her time, doing favors for colleagues, speaking at Kiwanis Clubs, and building his or her base for 2016.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Oh, Sarah would run regardless. She's God's Chosen Servant on Earth and is destined to be President For Life of The United States.

    2. LetUsBray

      You left out Dumbelina, already discussed at ridiculous length, and Hucklenuts, who's able to feign sanity for remarkable stretches of time. I'd expect Hucklenuts to be Mitt the Shitt's biggest worry, although they both have some serious baggage (Huck pardoning the born-again felon who went and murdered a bunch of police offices, and Mitt with his weird religion, utter lack of personality, and the dog thing, although that probably won't hurt him among Rethugs as much as in the general election.

    3. Negropolis

      Speaking Huntsman, that guy is more tanned than Boehner, and practically the same hue as Obama. He's like a cross between Terry McAuliffe and Snookie.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        & like George W. Bush, he's coasting on his father's business acumen: Huntsman pop invented the clam-shell container for Mc Donald's sandwiches (or maybe just the Big Mac?).

        That's kind of amazing. If Huntsman, Pere, were running, I might even vote for him, based on that fact alone.

        1. tabouley

          Yes, that thing always amazed me. Stays closed, opens easily, and, there might be a joke here, but I stayed up too late last night, and am up too early.

  7. LionelHutzEsq

    Does Mit really expect to be taken seriously as a Republican candidate? I mean, I don't think he has once accused people of blood libel, or avoided ever talking to anyone with intelligence? Until Romney does something really stupid so that he has to be Hannatized, he will just be a small, semi-competent government official. Come on Mit, say you can't take any one serious as President when all he obviously cares about is malt liquor and hiding his Kenyan birth certificate. If you want to be the Republican candidate, you have to earn it!

    (P.S. Doesn't the Wonkette style manual require the posting of the picture of Mit putting on his rubber glove to check the fudge on any posts about him?)

    1. horsedreamer_1

      The side-bar posts don't usually get pictures. They're quick-hits, nothing more.

      But, you're right: more fudge-packing, please. (& I don't mean butt-sex.)

  8. sati_demise

    He will, however, take time out to get his teeth whitened.
    And a few hair plugs.
    A neck tuck.
    New Italian shoes. &
    Custom made suit.

  9. Redhead

    "in the childlike way of a candidate at work "

    I think Bush was the only candidate that talked like that at work…

  10. Negropolis

    Sounds like Connecticut, to me. Well, minus Bridgeport, Hartford, New Haven, and Waterbury. You know, the black, Puerto Ricany, and Italiany Connecticut.

  11. politics_nerd

    such a great name: Mitt. Then there is Newt. and Fuckall Dumbfuck who names her kids stupid names but has a boring regular name herself.

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