FUDGE-PACKING IT IN  2:53 pm January 20, 2011

Romney Going Around Being Personally Coy To Every Citizen of Iowa and N.H.

by Jack Stuef

It was four days before the 2010 midterm elections, and Romney was making the Granite State rounds. People applauded him for just walking into a room. At the neocolonial estate of one wealthy contributor, the former Massachusetts governor glided from handshake to handshake, delighted to see so many he called “old friends,” while the new ones lined up to snap pictures. “This is New Hampshire,” Romney remarked in the childlike way of a candidate at work

“And this is a chair. And this is a slice of cheese. And this is a cell phone. And this is a hair I ripped out of my scalp. And this is the floor. And this is a shirt. And this is not a shirt. Vote for me, if I were running for something, though, like, I’m totally not.” [Time]

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angryclownspawn January 20, 2011 at 2:59 pm

And these are my magic underpants.

hagajim January 20, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Damn….beat to the magic undies

horsedreamer_1 January 20, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I want to know if they make crotchless magic intimates, for the ex-Mormons, like Belladonna.

nounverb911 January 20, 2011 at 3:02 pm

And this is the dog I tied to the roof of my car.

Tommmcatt January 20, 2011 at 3:04 pm

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Romney will never even be nominated for President of the United States by his party, because it is the party of religious bigotry, and Mormons just don't make the cut.

I hope he tries again and spends a boatload of cash on it, though. Comedy, you see.

nounverb911 January 20, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Romney'll just tithe his 92 grandchildren out of their inheritance.

BarackMyWorld January 20, 2011 at 3:38 pm

I think Romneycare will hurt him more than sharing a religion with Glenn Beck will. But I also hope he tries again, for great comedy.

GOPCrusher January 20, 2011 at 5:58 pm

If history is any example, here in Iowa during the last Caucuses, he got killed for being pro-choice when he was Governor of Mass.
Nobody has forgotten about that.

Rarian Rakista January 20, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Mormons, even though they had slaves before the Civil War were so terrified of being under the rule of Southern Christians that they joined the Union.

SayItWithWookies January 20, 2011 at 3:09 pm

No wonder they couldn't tell Reagan was senile.

BornInATrailer January 20, 2011 at 3:11 pm

"And this is socialist federally mandated healthcare. And this other thing that looks just the same is state mandated healthcare that meshes perfectly with conservative fiscal policy and personal responsibility. Oops, I've just soiled my magic underwear."

Extemporanus January 20, 2011 at 3:15 pm


DangerHelvetica January 20, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Tonight, we dine in Hanover!

SorosBot January 20, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Why does the Time writer seem to trying to be the next Charles Dickens, and failing spectacularly? It's a puff profile, not a work of literature. Oh, and here's his first line:

"Once more, Willard Mitt Romney looked great, and not just because of his rugged jawline, which showed no sign of slackening, or his thick blow-dry, which had gone more gray in just the right places."

It sounds like somebody's got a crush.

nounverb911 January 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Did the Time writer get paid by the word like Dickens did?

BaldarTFlagass January 20, 2011 at 3:22 pm

"gone more gray in just the right places"

At least if you have a Paulie Walnuts fixation.

BornInATrailer January 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

"with the muscular language of a man who can get the conservative juices flowing"

Sounds like somebody needs a Kleenex.

Sophist/Glock Palin January 20, 2011 at 3:45 pm

"Once more, Willard Mitt Romney looked great, and not just because of his rugged jawline, which showed no sign of slackening, or his thick blow-dry, which had gone more gray in just the right places."

Well, somebody clearly bought an extra large box of commas at Walmart last weekend.

nounverb911 January 20, 2011 at 3:22 pm

I see replies are disappearing again faster than Romney's chances of being elected.

V572625694 January 20, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I suggested yesterday that IntenseDebate needed some counseling before it went Full Loughner on us, and this is what happens

MadBrahms January 20, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Every time I see Romney, I think of the ongoing gag on Arrested Development involving Michael Cera's boring girlfriend. "Who? Oh, I mean, 'her'?" "Will bland be coming? I mean, Anne?"

Basically, the man is beige incarnate, only with mystical undergarments.

SorosBot January 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

He's as Mitt as the nose on plain's face.

Pragmatist2 January 20, 2011 at 3:57 pm

He's looking for an additional wife. Hopes to have one from every state. Sort of like a collection.

Rarian Rakista January 20, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Any Wonkettes willing to be part of the harem? We could use the juicy secrets.

horsedreamer_1 January 20, 2011 at 4:16 pm

While I tend to think anti-Mormon/anti-Taxachusetts bigotry should doom Romney, who else is there? Add to it the Republican nominating style of "the foregone conclusion", & it only makes sense he'll win.

Just look at these options: John Thune, same blown-dry look as Mitt, but even less intellectual heft; Mitch Daniels, our little friend; Tim Pawlenty, eunech; John Kasich, retread & Deadhead. Rob Portman, the thinking man's Paul Ryan (& almost Mc Cain's running-mate), might pose a challenge, but he'll only have two years in the Senate by the time of the 2012 election. & Huntsman? Another Mormon, & the one who worked for Obama (Ambassador to Red China).

It's Romney we don't want, & it's Romney we'll get.

V572625694 January 20, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Let's face it: if you're seriously a Republican contender, you're not going to blow your chance against an incumbent. If unemployment dips 1.5%, Hopey's unbeatable. So somewhere, a governor of an obscure state or a backbencher from some forgotten district is biding his or her time, doing favors for colleagues, speaking at Kiwanis Clubs, and building his or her base for 2016.

horsedreamer_1 January 21, 2011 at 9:14 am

It's Dino Rossi, isn't it?

GOPCrusher January 21, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Oh, Sarah would run regardless. She's God's Chosen Servant on Earth and is destined to be President For Life of The United States.

V572625694 January 21, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I was positing a rational candidate, a class which excludes Ms Palin.

LetUsBray January 20, 2011 at 9:11 pm

You left out Dumbelina, already discussed at ridiculous length, and Hucklenuts, who's able to feign sanity for remarkable stretches of time. I'd expect Hucklenuts to be Mitt the Shitt's biggest worry, although they both have some serious baggage (Huck pardoning the born-again felon who went and murdered a bunch of police offices, and Mitt with his weird religion, utter lack of personality, and the dog thing, although that probably won't hurt him among Rethugs as much as in the general election.

Negropolis January 21, 2011 at 2:43 am

Speaking Huntsman, that guy is more tanned than Boehner, and practically the same hue as Obama. He's like a cross between Terry McAuliffe and Snookie.

horsedreamer_1 January 21, 2011 at 9:16 am

& like George W. Bush, he's coasting on his father's business acumen: Huntsman pop invented the clam-shell container for Mc Donald's sandwiches (or maybe just the Big Mac?).

That's kind of amazing. If Huntsman, Pere, were running, I might even vote for him, based on that fact alone.

tabouley January 24, 2011 at 8:37 am

Yes, that thing always amazed me. Stays closed, opens easily, and, there might be a joke here, but I stayed up too late last night, and am up too early.

LionelHutzEsq January 20, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Does Mit really expect to be taken seriously as a Republican candidate? I mean, I don't think he has once accused people of blood libel, or avoided ever talking to anyone with intelligence? Until Romney does something really stupid so that he has to be Hannatized, he will just be a small, semi-competent government official. Come on Mit, say you can't take any one serious as President when all he obviously cares about is malt liquor and hiding his Kenyan birth certificate. If you want to be the Republican candidate, you have to earn it!

(P.S. Doesn't the Wonkette style manual require the posting of the picture of Mit putting on his rubber glove to check the fudge on any posts about him?)

horsedreamer_1 January 20, 2011 at 4:28 pm

The side-bar posts don't usually get pictures. They're quick-hits, nothing more.

But, you're right: more fudge-packing, please. (& I don't mean butt-sex.)

CrankyLttlCamperette January 21, 2011 at 12:39 am

THANK YOU! I was missing that photo!

sati_demise January 20, 2011 at 4:33 pm

He will, however, take time out to get his teeth whitened.
And a few hair plugs.
A neck tuck.
New Italian shoes. &
Custom made suit.

Redhead January 20, 2011 at 4:52 pm

"in the childlike way of a candidate at work "

I think Bush was the only candidate that talked like that at work…

Carrabuda January 20, 2011 at 8:29 pm

"in the childlike C.H.U.D.-like manner of a candidate at work."

Beetagger January 20, 2011 at 9:44 pm

I wish there was a caucus-blocker.

Negropolis January 21, 2011 at 2:36 am

Sounds like Connecticut, to me. Well, minus Bridgeport, Hartford, New Haven, and Waterbury. You know, the black, Puerto Ricany, and Italiany Connecticut.

politics_nerd January 21, 2011 at 2:52 am

such a great name: Mitt. Then there is Newt. and Fuckall Dumbfuck who names her kids stupid names but has a boring regular name herself.

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