get a car save a life

Michelle Obama’s Hatred of Fatsos Killing Pedestrians

And then they get run over by a car.Every news headline should include a question mark, because readers don’t turn to the news for facts, they turn to it for insinuation. And at least one individual at the Daily Caller caller understands this, gracing the world with this story: “Highway safety spokesperson blames pedestrian deaths on Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign?” Question mark indeed. This article links to a Washington Examiner interview with Governors Highway Safety Association Executive Director Barbara Harsha, who opined that the rise in pedestrian deaths from 2009 to 2010 may be due to people heeding Michelle Obama’s initiative to move around and eat healthily instead of scraping off one’s own bedsores, dipping them in garlic butter, and forgetting to chew them on the way down. Yeah, that’s probably it.

“There’s an emphasis these days to getting fit, and I think people doing that are more exposed to risk [of getting hit by a vehicle],” Harsha told the Examiner. “Obviously, further study is needed.”

That’s how they kill you, by tricking you into being healthy! It all makes sense now. That’s why our bodies tell us we prefer sauced fried-chicken orbs to vegetables: because they know if we get healthy, we will get hit by a car and die. It’s called self-preservation, and it’s why our ancestors created the dialysis machine right after they invented the wheel.

(Michelle Obama’s program has no impact. Every American has already heard they should eat healthy and exercise. Everyone should shut up. We have more important things to discuss, like putting chipotle flavor into the sauces of our sauced fried-chicken orbs. Mmm.) [Daily Caller]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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128 comments

    1. Patriot Gal

      It's fun watching a political party in complete meltdown, knowing they are losing losing losing.

      1. Negropolis

        You're not even trying to make sense. This is the worst kind of spamming. Are you going to give us a discount on Viagre or something, 'cause that's far more interesting.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      As someone who rides a bicycle regularly, I can assure you that motorists are a dangerous and clueless lot, and you're risking your life every time you go out there on public roads.

      Also, as a motorist, I can assure you that motorists are a dangerous and clueless lot, and you're risking your life every time you go out there on public roads.

  1. Barbara_i

    Oh well, fat people are easier to run over, yet harder to kidnap. There is good and bad to everything, except Sarah Palin.

    1. Kidneys4Sale

      I disagree. The trick is to drug the fatties, knock them over onto sedan chairs and carry them off. All the witnesses will automatically assume that you're Steve-O or Tom Greene or some shit. Lord knows those assholes could use the media bump, anyhow. Everybody wins.

    2. Worthly Wokette Skum

      Someone needs to write a virus for the Hoverround firmware that makes them head directly into traffic once in a while.

    3. hagajim

      Fat people are definitely easier to run over, especially since they aren't so nimble…however, they dent the fuck out of your car a lot worse than the 90 lb. weakling.

    4. StillGoinGreen

      How many fat people do you see walking near you while you are driving? That is why they are worth more points when you hit them – thay are much more rare than a skinny pedestrian.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, I know it's not pedestrians, but my tally of run-over bicyclists on the bucolic country roads where I go motorvating has risen dramatically over the last couple of years. Hell, I had to replace the deer guard on the F250 a couple months back.

    1. Sheesko

      Good for you! Serves their Spandex asses right for insisting (with grandiose arm-waving) that you pass them — without realizing that if you do so, you will more likely than not meet the front end of an oncoming vehicle that they cannot see.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Open the windows for some fresh air, stationary bike in front of the big screen on the Travel Channel or some Netflix travel documentary, bingo. I'm safe, got my cardio, and went cycling in Tuscany/Pyrenees/Vosges Mountains this afternoon.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          What you don't get, however, is the adrenaline rush that comes when you're up on two wheels, weaving in and out of traffic, in a hailstorm, at night.

          You won't understand it 'til you try it.

  3. Barbara_i

    They should make Freddy Mercury the Head of Transportation Safety. His message about fat bottomed girls could save many lives.

  4. Texan_Bulldog

    Harsha, Harsha, Harsha. BTW I manage to run everyday & have yet to get hit by a car, but I'm also not a stupid nitwit that forgets to LOOK for cars.

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Better plug in your ipod and turn it up real loud, wear black at night, and just look straight ahead cuz' you're obviously doing it wrong!!!

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        I've never run with an iPod or Walkman (a reference for us oldsters)….wouldn't want any pleasure to ease any of the pain/misery and so I can hear cars. Also.

  5. sarjo

    "Todd Palin schtupping overweight massage therapist in refudiation of Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign?"

  6. Schmannnity

    It's true. Before, they just had massive infarcts eating Cheetos on the sofa like real Merikans.

  7. Amaravilha

    Isn't this why we have Walmarts – so the poor can walk around and shop for horrible accessories?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      so the poor can walk around run down able-bodied non-fat customers with their tricked-out Hoverrounds and shop for horrible accessories?

      /fixed.

  8. angryclownspawn

    Would the pedestrians have been run over had they been riding around in their Hoverounds? I don't think so!

  9. SorosBot

    I'd say pedestrian deaths are more do to the fact that a lot of drivers are insane, completely oblivious to what's happening around them, and don't believe in obeying traffic laws. Hell, some of them seem to deliberately come close to hitting people, and particularly bicyclists.

    1. imissopus

      Yeah, but I'd bet at least a few of the deaths could be attributable to people texting obliviously while walking and wandering out into traffic, or yakking on the cell or lost in the new Lady Gaga album on their ipods. In other words, whether walking or driving, people are oblivious idiots.

      1. SorosBot

        I once saw a jogger run into an open sidewalk grate (how it got opened was another story of idiocy) while a bunch of us who were standing around it to prevent exactly that from happening were screaming and waving our arms at him to stop; the guy had an ipod on and was paying no attention. Strangely he was actually OK after that fall.

    2. HELisforHEL

      Especially cyclists and runners. It's like the Tea Party types (fat white blowhards) have put out a jihad on them fitness commies. Fer Amuricuh.

      1. SorosBot

        Yep; as Atrios has noted by pointing to a number of newspaper comment threads, the wost pedestrian haters seem to be people commuting in from the exurbs which they moved to once to get away from the black people, and who hate the city and are very angry that the roads aren't set up solely for the convenience of theirs. Full teatard types who I wish would just stick to their lily-white gated communities instead of infesting the city.

  10. LionelHutzEsq

    It's not the exercise that kills your. It is eating all that fiber, which forces you to pull over and spend uncomfortable minutes by the side of the road crapping your ass off until, bam, you are hit by a semi.

    1. James Michael Curley

      I had to defend a case where a guy got hit when he pulled over, got out of the driver's seat, pulled it out and started wandering up to the middle line so he could "pee on the yellow line." No, the depo transcript does not read, "recess called while counsel laughs uncontrollably."

  11. CrunchyKnee

    Every day when I am riding my skateboard to the bar (to read the complimentary newspaper and have a water), I think to myself "will this be my last? Damn you, Michelle!"

  12. mumbly_joe

    As a former EMT, I can actually attest to this: there have been known cases where a big fat fatso got mowed down by some asshole who was twatting while driving, and the only reason he survived was because his enormous rolls of adipose tissue cushioned the blow and sheltered his vitals, like giant, curd-filled, pillows. It happens, really.

    Of course, usually the guy dies the next day from heart failure, but when that happens, it's clearly because of Space-Gandalf's plan.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    One minor correction, Jack. Garlic butter is not the preferred au jus for bedsores. For that, you need a decent Sauce Bernaise.

  14. SheriffRoscoe

    UPDATE: Harsha now claims she was misquoted, by which she means "quoted" but soon realized what she said was stupid.

  15. chascates

    The fact that people are poorer and may walk more accordingly has absolutely nothing to do with it. Besides, only elitists have time to walk. Real Americans drive to their jobs in SUVs.

  16. Terry

    Well, from observations in my area, it's more likely due to construction or inadequate sidewalks forcing people to walk in the road. Idiots who jaywalk in the middle of busy streets, too. People running red left turn arrows, long after they're gone red.

    All that said, I was hit by a car a few years back walking in a crosswalk with the walk signal going. An old man decided to make his right turn on red without looking to his right. Put me right up across his hood, like a deer, until he hit the brakes and I rolled off. Terrible experience.

    1. SorosBot

      Turning seems to be the biggest source of accidents; I can't tell you the number of times I've seen someone nearly run over (or nearly been so myself) by some moron who either doesn't know or care that a pedestrian crossing with the light has the right of way; you fucking wait.

      1. sarjo

        Too true. Every accident I've been in (some the other person's fault, some…not) has involved turning. Could we get exterior airbags on each corner?

      2. Rarian Rakista

        Bus driver here in Oregon did an illegal turn that killed 3 people, no criminal charges and the union is fighting for her license and job back. If you want to get away with murder, use a car.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Yes, but it's less likely the bullet will hit anything but blubber. Next time somebody calls me fat, I'm just going to say it's the extra weight I need to protect me while I live in Tucson.

  17. PeaceWithHonor

    Could it be that we've gotten so skinny drivers can no longer see us? Or is it that our meth-addled brains can't comprehend crosswalks? Or maybe drivers, doing the cost/benefit analysis, realize it's way too expensive to nail a fatty. I blame super-silent hybrid cars. Fucking Prius.

  18. Selfish_T

    I was out pedestrianizing a couple weeks ago when a man driving while eating sushi with chopsticks nearly ran me over. "Emphasis on getting fit" —> eating sushi —> chopsticks while driving —> pedestrian deaths. Anti-obesity campaign leads to pedestrian deaths, case closed.

      1. MrsBiggTime

        OH CHRIST! DEAR GOD WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? SWEET DEEP-FRIED JEEBUS ON A STICK! CAN NOT UNSEE.

  19. MissTaken

    Cool! Now if I get hit by a car while walking I can blame the FLOTUS instead of me being a douchbag playing Angry Birds on my elitist iPhone instead of paying attention to where I'm walking. Yay.

    1. finallyhappy

      Was that you walking across Georgia Avenue against the light yesterday??? 6 lanes of traffic- now that is the game you were playing!

  20. V572625694

    Barbara <a href="http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl =http://www.ruralsafety.umn.edu/events/summerinstitute/2010/images/harsha.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.ruralsafety.umn.edu/events/summerinstitute/2010/&usg=__SNFSjyySCMH5eTUZ6nmk-h62WK4=&h=125&w=180&sz=37&hl=en&start=0&sig2=_D_VYPh3PH7uhBmC7WPPIg&zoom=1&tbnid=Nz1r0x2Iy52L-M:&tbnh=100&tbnw=141&ei=HYw4TY7IJoO6sQOJnJiAAw&prev=/images?q=Barbara+Harsha&um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&sa=N&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=828&bih=837&tbs=isch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=341&oei=KYw4Tdj3EpLmsQOxvK2ZAw&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=25&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0&tx=110&ty=33%20%20%3Ca%20href=" target="_blank">Harsha was kind of hot in that movie "Last Summer."

  21. prommie

    Oh, but to suggest that Teatard public figures literally waving guns around, screaching "lock and load" and "take them out," and promising to use "second amendment remedies" might provoke someone to, you know, "take them out" with their "second amendment remedies," thats so far beyond irresponsible as to be fascist tyrannical constitution-stomping blood libel.

    I can just hear it now, the fat drug addict bloviating "ladies and gentlemen, more people have been killed as a direct result of Michelle Obama's fitness campaign, than by all the guns in america combined." And then that teatard AG from Virgina will indict her for murder.

  22. Not_So_Much

    Excellent logic Babs. Nice to see you and that big brain of yours have risen to the top of a large, governmental agency.

    Another possibility is that we proletariat see what idiotic, steaming pantloads have wound up in positions of authority and are wandering into traffic to make it all go away…

  23. MrsBiggTime

    Really doesn't make any sense to me. S'pose Beck and Limbaugh were out power-walking together, somewhere along the George Washington Parkway. S'pose further you were behind the wheel of your all-American muscle car, burning through a gallon every 12 miles, when you came up upon these jiggling, fleece-wrapped turds. S'pose further that you immediately gunned it, a desperate smile on your face, and ran into these rotund, sweaty lard-asses. Who wins, your Dodge Charger? Are you kidding? America is yet to build an automobile with that much integrity.

    1. Barbara_i

      Let's just put it this way, I would stop by a Ford dealership and they would both get a Probe up their asses.

  24. widestanceroman

    Hey, now, it's not easy to see over the rim of a Big Gulp when you're in past the ears. On the other hand, the obese will die far more painful deaths the longer they live, so this is really working out well for them. I have no humanity whatsoever today.

  25. SudsMcKenzie

    Quick, someone get Fucker Carleson some spanx and those ridiculous exercise shoes, give him an hour lunch, and send him out on a "jog".

    1. V572625694

      I struggled for half an hour trying to get the HTML to work. One little edit and KABLOOEY! Anyway, the hideous picture is above.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Probably not your fault, anyway.

        I'm guessing Intense Debate is effing with us at random, judging by how many wry and wittily observant comments of mine have disappeared from this thread alone (three, but who's counting?)

  26. BlueStateLibel

    Are you sure these people are really trying to get fit? In this economy, maybe they're just hoping to get hit on purpose so they can cash in on a lawsuit.

  27. SayItWithWookies

    Way back when, we had a constant reminder of how dangerous the street was — but then Frogger became obsolete, and that knowledge has almost disappeared.

  28. PsycWench

    I missed the part of Michelle Obama's spiel when she showed a powerpoint slide of good areas to get exercise and it turned out to be a Google Earth picture of the Washington Beltway.

  29. smokefilledroommate

    ♫♪ Fatty got run over by a U-Haul
    Walking through a crosswalk by his home
    I blame that sleeveless bitch Michelle Obama
    She just won't goddamn leave fatties alone ♪♫

    ♪♫ He wanted to go outside
    so we begged him not to go
    Much more to do here inside
    like eating lard and playing games
    with cousin Joe ♪♫

    Reba, pass me them pork rinds…

  30. el_donaldo

    The Daily Caller links to the Washington Examiner? If stupidity were painful, that would be moving from one circle of hell to the next. Any further and we'd be right up Satan's anus.

  31. fuflans

    here are some handy tips for fattie walking newbies:

    1. if you are in a city with heavy traffic (ny, chicago) meh, fuck the traffic. it mostly crawls at three miles an hour and if you make aggressive hand gestures while you are walking / running, generally you will get your way.

    2. unless you are in los angeles, in which case you should drive to your nearest
    health club. this probably goes for AZ cities too only i never want to go there.

    3. if you are in the suburbs you are likely fat anyway so why bother? just hop in the car head to olive garden and sideswipe as many pedestrians as you can find on the way.

    4. if you are in a rural area, you are either a hippie refugee from the agressive consumerism of urban life and own an organic honey farm in which case you certainly don't need health tips OR you are hard working family owned farming type and have far too little income and far too many things to do to worry about walking for godssakes.

  32. DangerHelvetica

    My brother's uncle was killed by a car while exercising. The SUV crashed right into the Planet Fitness. Tragic, really.

  33. edywin2

    Yeah I have noticed a bit more pedestrians, those that can't afford a big 4×4 like mine, walking their fat carcass to one of their three fast food jobs they have to work to keep their bills one month behind. By the way tubby-no-teeth I said no caramel in the latte…..these drive up window folks just piss me off.

  34. edywin2

    Wow, the commenters on bow tie boy's site hate him on this one. Why so much hate, cynicism and logic?

  35. ChessieNefercat

    Jesus jumped up Christ in a chariot-driven sidecar!

    I heard this when I was a tiny child and never understood it, but remembered it due to the memorable rhythm of the words (like "son of a bitchin bastard" which my mother said all the time but which got me slapped when she heard me crooning it to my dolly).

    Anyway, it is clear that the aforementioned phrase was a lost fragment caught in the space time continuum, and overheard by a small child, and was actually spoken decades later in response to this utterly hare-brained story.

  36. Negropolis

    Have you guys ever seen a car destroyed after a crash with a deer? I imagine that's what it's like to hit a moridly obese person, only with more M&M McFlurries flying all over the dashboard.

  37. HurricaneAli

    Ugh, I have to rant about this – this shit gets me het up because it's the same damn argument they make about why cyclists shouldn't share the road with cars. If the goddam planners would organize businesses so you don't need to drive a car to get you a carton of milk, and made more pedestrian and cycling-friendly paths to those businesses, the fatties behind the wheel could tweet all the fuck they want – GAHGHHH!

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