Future Prez Santorum: Obama Can’t Make Decision Because He’s Black

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Rick Santorum seems very excited to lose the Iowa Caucuses in a landslide, doesn’t he? He’s got that fighting spirit back, and he’s not afraid to take on black people for supporting abortion rights. Black people, right? Who are they to say what’s a person and what isn’t? Sounds like a good campaign slogan.

The question is — and this is what Barack Obama didn’t want to answer — is that human life a person under the Constitution? And Barack Obama says no. Well if that person — human life is not a person, then — I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, “We’re going to decide who are people and who are not people.”

He’s exactly right. Whites did black people a solid by letting them be people. So black people are not allowed to look at something and decide if it’s a person. If a black person sees a fetus, that’s a person. If a black person sees a plastic bag, that’s a person. If a black person sees a cow, that’s a person.

So eating beef is cannibalism. And touching anything, such as a pencil, without its consent is molestation. If you’re black, that is. Otherwise, it’s not a problem. [YouTube via TPM]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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159 comments

  1. MuslinMosk

    Somehow, I don't see his massive ignorance and racism as a negative in Iowa.

    I think the only thing a politician can say in Iowa that would actually make them lose an election is "Corn sucks."

      1. SorosBot

        Sadly saying that very thing caused several of their Supreme Court Justices to loose reelection in November.

      1. V572625694

        And he almost blew it by talking about he price of arugula at Whole Foods. "Arugula?" the Iowans wondered. "Whole Foods?"

        Ah, good times, when people thought Hopey was a longshot.

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, if it weren't for those IA caucuses, we'd probably have President Hillary, which would be OK, except the Tea Party would then be mildly annoying in a boring, sexist way, rather than teeth-grindingly racist in hilarious, dangerous way.

          1. Negropolis

            Please; it'd have been Vince Foster 2.0 and PMS and lesbian jokes for four years. They only half-way like her, now, because she didn't make it to the presidency.

        1. SorosBot

          Oh I think they would have cranked the sexism up to the same violent, scary levels they have with the racism.

        2. GOPCrusher

          We also probably wouldn't have been introduced to the hilarity that is Sarah Palin either.
          Don't blame me, I caucused for Kuchinich.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Comment deleted in fairness to fellow commenter who made the same joke 3/5 of the way down the thread.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    I wonder if he feels the same way when he has breakfast? I don't think he'd eat eggs for as a pro-life person as he should be against the slaughter and digestion of chicken abortions.

    1. ArmoredBore

      I'd go on about how the chicken eggs we eat were never fertilized and therefore alive in the first place, but I doubt he'd let details like that get in the way

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      Now, now, be civil. I think it would be better to say you want to offer him a lesson in applied physics and anatomy, specifically on the effect of high speed contact between the proximal phalanges and the hyoid bone.

  3. Boredw/Gravity

    I'm fairly sure that Santorum finds it remarkable that a black man can say anything intelligent. And NorthStarSpanx, let me join you in saying "just shut the fuck up, Rick."

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      To which I'd add, as long as we add Sarah Palin to the list. . .but you know, she just keeps doing us favors by opening her mouth.

      In fact, let these conservative contenders let it all out, scrub those 'pause before your play' buttons out of their heads! Twenty-twelve is going to be entertaining, if not lethal for everyone (but the unborn. Amen.)

  4. freakishlywrong

    Where for fucks sake is the definition of "human life" debated in the Constitushion, ya dumb jackass of a hayseed.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Well, presumably, the intimation is that small bit in Article 1 Section II, about all other persons, which is why he mentions that Obama's black.

      Of course, for that exact reason, hearing a cracker-ass cracker attempting to cite the "constitutional" definition of personhood makes me want to start punching faces, in general.

      1. SorosBot

        The Fourteenth Amendment does refer to "All persons born or naturalized within the United States", so if taken literally it does say personhood begins at birth (or, according to the current Supreme Court, incorporation).

  5. PsycWench

    In his private moments Santorum may be finding it almost remarkable why Dan Savage gets to attach people's names to unpleasant bodily secretions.

    1. Mojopo

      Savage's definition is really the last word on Santorum, forever etched in my mind as one of the smartest things anyone has said about a Republican from VA.

      1. Terry

        Did you know that according to Wikipedia, Santorum's nickname in school was Rooster? He got this name because he often had some hairs on his head standing straight up due to an orthodontic head brace.

      2. CrankyLttlCamperette

        Um, that's PA. Or so he kept telling the PA Department of Education who had to pay for a $62,000 satellite linkup so his precious offspring could be homeskooled in his McMansion in McLean.

        Because he's a PA resident and all.

        EDIT: Sorry, that was a COMPUTER linkup so the Commonwealth of PA would continue to pay for his kids' tuition at a charter school. In PA. Because he was a resident of PA, you see, he just happened to be educating his kids in McLean. I mean, don't they do that for all kids whose parents have to move for work?

        1. SorosBot

          Who neglected to care for the empty house he owned here to claim residency even though he lived in Virginia.

          1. James Michael Curley

            Forgot about that. We have a couple Republican Congressmen who continue to allege they live in their ditrict after moving their families to a grander, more presigeous address.

  6. CalamityJames

    "And, as you can see, Smurfs knew what was right and wrong, so therefore, Cap'n Crunch is the greatest cereal in the world, and I once swam with dolphins. Tide goes in, tide goes out, can't be explained."

  7. MissTaken

    All Santorum is saying is "how in the hell can someone who is only 3/5's a person have the ability to judge who is a human"? Duh.

    Be gone you frothy mix of semen and shit.

    1. Guppy06

      So does that mean a black fetus is 3/10 person? Is the other 70% then "mechanically separated meat?"

      Should Chinese fetuses be "excluded" from the womb?

  8. Name_Tag

    i just assume that rick santorum's child has been crying continually since november of 2006, and then i feel better.

  9. MARCdMan

    I see what he was trying to say, and I guess if you are super smart and remember anal details from US History class it sorta makes sense, but the way he said it makes him come across as a complete klansman asshole. What a douchebag. Hope he ends up covered in santorum.

    1. DeeJayKitteh

      Anal details from history class? Considering we're talking about Santorum, that could have many meanings here.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You heard wrong.

      3/5 of the time he has a black man's penis. But he does white boys too; just not as often.

    1. MissTaken

      Nope, that white half came from a woman. And everyone knows women can't decide what shoes to wear that day much less what should be done with a unborn child.

        1. Sophist/Glock Palin

          It's because of political correctness and affirmative action. Before Gloria Steinem came along and amended the constitution to force men to hold their wives purses at the mall, only men were allowed to carry fetii to term. Just as Jesus intended.

  10. samsuncle

    I can't wait for the summer of 2012 when all of the asswipes like Santorum, Gingrich, Palin etc. drop out of the Rep. presidential race and we won't have to see or hear from them again for another 4 years.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Don't forget Michael Reagan – I heard him speaking with Off-the-Mark and apparently he (actually, either one of those fools) thinks Mr. Reagan is a serious candidate.

      On the other hand, it could have something to do with Mr. Reagan having a new book out. There certainly does seem to a correlation between conservatives having a book published and starting a run at the Presidency. In his case, however, it will probably be more of a slow stroll.

    2. Sophist/Glock Palin

      Well aren't you cute, what with your optimism in the face of all available evidence. To think that I too once believed that failed pols with "R"s after their names disappeared into deserved obscurity. Ah, youth…

  11. OneTrueLiberal

    Franklin and I share Wonkette's TrueLiberal belief that human life begins at conception — the conception of the Worker's State to which we all strive.

    Until this moment, there is no "humanity," and we all can wish for the death/extinction of the being involved — without guilt or remorse.

    Even if the entity is an old, weakened former Vice President, wasting away from cancer.

    Cordially,

    Eleanor

    1. TanzbodenKoenig

      <Yawn>. This schtick is getting old. Go back to being the fun Neilist who was obsessed with guns and mentally unstable; your True Liberal crap isn't even creative.

    2. LionelHutzEsq

      Neilist, I wish you would come back in your old form, as I miss the lessons in armorment. But any form that pisses off half the people here can't be too bad. I'm surprise that people take all of this so seriously, but I'm fisting you whenever I can.

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        I don't take it too seriously Lionel, but I do wish The Commenter Formerly Known As Neilist would just try to bring a little more originality to his posts. These faux liberal screeds marked by one sentence paragraphs and same old tired closing salutation just aren't interesting anymore.

      2. Grief_Lessons

        Whew, thanks for the back-up. My sub-100 p-score means I'm not popular enough to be different.

    3. walterhwhite

      I gave you a thumbs down because you're not funny and you don't make any sense. Oh and by the way, Cheny has heart failure, not cancer.

    4. JadedDissonance

      I agree, with an exception: The True Worker's State would actually be The True State of Enlightened Governance. We ain't no commie pinko skum, we be True Red-Blooded-Socialists!

      Sorry if I'm speaking for anyone out of turn, I know how much we like to speak collectively. Also, we don't so much hate just the "humanity" of a grizzled old Decider's decider, we hate him and everything his pathetic life represents. EVERYTHING. – [SYMBOLISM, SEE?]

    5. ShaveTheWhales

      Neilist, please knock it off. I'm breaking my own requested embargo (because I'm drunk and the Packers won), but this schtick has no leverage.

    1. DoktorZoom

      I find it almost remarkable for a man who makes his daughter cry to say, “We’re going to decide who must have unwanted offspring.”

    2. James Michael Curley

      The possibility that that boy is old enough to be in college somewhere reminded me to up my longs in Dupont as sales of Kevlar increase.

  12. elviouslyqueer

    Thanks for giving us reason #358,758 for retroactive abortions, you smegma-encrusted canker-blossom.

    1. SorosBot

      I had hoped that maybe Neilist 2.0 and the name-changer had been quietly banhammered, but I guess not. Please people, just ignore them.

  13. Native_of_SL_UT

    I see what he's saying here. He doesn't think monkeys can determine what people are. People like him can decide who are monkeys and who are not monkeys, though.

    1. Mojopo

      It's going to look like retards in a fist fight. I'm even sorry I said that, but it doesn't make it less true.

      1. SorosBot

        When the smartest brain in the room is probably Mitt Romney, you know you're dealing with people who make Homer Simpson look like a genius.

  14. freakishlywrong

    Oh, and wingnuts? Start giving a shit about children AFTER they're born; it would lessen our hatred of you on this issue by maybe 100 white hot suns.

  15. baconzgood

    See Poeple…This is what we in PA had to deal with for 12 years!!! You can have it too. He wouldn't even release his book in PA. He's a HUGE DOUCHEY McDOUCHEBAG!!!

  16. SocialistCafe

    I agree that Santorum is a creep and I'm pro-choice but I don't get the big problem here.

    Wasn't he suggesting that since Obama is black and since blacks in this country were once considered less than human that he should be more sensitive to this definition?

    In other words, I don't think he was being racist. (He is a racist, of course, but not in this case).

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      But you're not following Santorum's reasoning to it's crazy end. According to Rick, all black people should oppose abortion, due to their history of once being defined as less than fully human, in some fucked up, contrived, legal-constitutional sense. Therefore Obama / "black people" shouldn't waver on a biological question like abortion. Santorum is totally being a racist here, whether he even knows it or not.

      1. PsycWench

        It probably wouldn't occur to Rick that by that logic it is also true that black people might take issue with legal obstacles to abortion, since such obstacles implie that women do not have rights over their bodies and can be used to carry unwanted pregnancies to term.

    2. snoopyfan2010

      *sigh* Isn't it time politicians stop using minorities when it is convenient for them? If that was his point, it would have made more sense if he had a history of involvement them.

    3. Mumbletypeg

      I’d question whether it’s an apt analogy. For starters, there were business interests at stake with keeping slavery intact alongside myths perpetuating its supportive prejudice and xenophobia among proponents. Supporters of right-to-life are mere opportunists who’ve seized another chance to demonize contrary opinions while demoralizing those caught in a bad situation.

    4. DCW

      Yeah that's exactly what he was saying (which is why Wonkette got it wrong). But…that doesn't make it LOGICAL.

      That's like someone saying to me "you're a woman, I can't believe you don't think dogs should have the right to vote."

    5. edywin2

      "In other words, I don't think he was being racist. (He is a racist, of course, but not in this case)."

      So then in this case Sanscrotum was pedantic? That is, overly concerned with the fact that Obama is a "black guy". Oh yes, I can see that isn't racist now, is it? (I am glad you also clarified in parenthesis, for as you know in Murica, OUR racists pick and choose their racism moments according to freedom fries. )

  17. MinAgain

    I'm conducting a poll. Can Rick Santorum be considered a person?

    __Yes
    __No
    __Maybe
    __I need more information.
    __Depends on whether a talking asshole is considered a person under the law.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Under the Citizens United ruling, we must consider Ricko to be a person in the same sense that we consider a jellyfish to be an animal, when it really is a conglomeration of many individuals that work, mainly together, to propel the group in a mindless existence, stinging all who come close, and finally winding up on the beach of history as a shapeless lump.

  18. Hera Sent Me

    The most disgusting racist is the one so ignorant and self-righteous that he can't see his own racism.

  19. imissopus

    If I'm not mistaken there has been a whole push among the anti-abortion crowd the last few years to target black communities with anti-abortion billboards that imply that legalized abortion is part of some larger plot by whites to limit the numbers of the black population. Santorum's statement strikes me as yet another angle to that condescending attitude. Particularly since his party hasn't historically given a shit about what happens to those black babies after they are born. Hell, it hasn't much cared about what happens to them while they are in the womb, just so long as they stay in the womb for the full nine months.

    No snark, this video just ticked me off. What a dick.

    1. GOPCrusher

      They are trying the same tactic in the Hispanic community. I especially like where they tell the audience that the Democratic Party is trying to kill them off by encouraging them to abort their children.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    It's not that President Obama shouldn't be deciding who's a human and who isn't — it's that as a member of a group that has been historically disenfranchised, Obama's not allowed to determine when a person has rights. Unless that person is a woman who wants control of her own body, in which case the answer is no.

  21. prommie

    "Dred Scott" has been the conservative dogwhistle for overturning Roe v. Wade for years now, no surprise here. When a cvonservative says "Dred Scott" he means "the Supreme Court was wrong about black, and it was wrong about those fully human persons who just happen to live in a uterous." Santorum is just a little bit too mentally challenged to present the meme properly, so he reduced it to this sad series of grunts and gestures.

  22. LionelHutzEsq

    You all don't appreciate the fine former Senator's logic: If Obama doesn't have a birth certificate, he clearly could never have been a fetus, and therefor he has no rights to judge other fetuses.

    For a Republican, this is actually brilliant thinking.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Hmm. So they can only abort 3/5 of a non-person. I'd pursue this further except for the fact that I'm currently incoherent.

  23. SorosBot

    Oh dumb Ricky, it is in fact very easy to look at a blastocyst, which is nothing but a ball of identical cells, and say that is in fact not a human being; in fact it's hard to me to see how someone can call an embryo that has not yet developed a brain and therefore can't thing or feel anything and say that should be granted the same rights as real living, thinking people.

  24. metamarcisf

    Santorum has just solidified his hold on the black GOP vote in next year's primaries. Now if he's really serious about running, he should announce his choice of running mate Dan Savage sooner rather than later.

  25. DeeJayKitteh

    Has Sarah Palin somehow claimed to be the victim in all of this yet? It's been a couple of hours already.

  26. doxastic

    I'm pretty sure that all Rick's argument proves is that white dudes are historically shitty at defining personhood.

  27. Zak44

    Given his own confusion over men and dogs, you'd think L'il Ricky might want to avoid this whole issue entirely.

  28. mumbly_joe

    Just imagine how much worse the things Santorum would have said could have been, if Obama, in addition to being black, was also sporting a pair of massive tits.

  29. DaSandman

    His parents named him after fuck froth? He should have accepted the abortion. It's still not too late, Rick.

  30. user-of-owls

    Anyone know where I can get a three-fifths size fetus jar? Shame to waste space using a regular sized one.

  31. donner_froh

    Barack Obama might find it remarkable that Santorum would subject his chubby, weepy daughter to public humiliation again but only because Obama is a loving father and Santorum is a despicable swine.

  32. hagajim

    Rick Santorum – President – of what, the Sanitorium? Methinks this is more likely that Preznit of Merika cause the man is obviously batshit crazy…..waaaahaaaaahaaaahaaaaaaa!

  33. Redhead

    For the last fucking time you twinkle-dick – yes, I know ovaries and uteruses are fascinating. Not only do you not have them, but I'm guessing you don't get to play with them very often. And as something you're not familiar with, you are scared of them and want to regulate them and try to force laws which would make them seem inferior to you (kinda like what you do to people who look different and darker than you – ooooh, different, scary).

    But let me put this in terms your peanut brain can understand – ooooh, you see your hand right there? Yes, the one you like to fuck because it feels good? Well, what if someone tried to tell you what you could and couldn't do with your hand? What if someone told you that you could continue fucking your hand, but if you did, your hand might have to be tied down for the next 18 years, unable to write or type or make phone calls or drive, whether it wanted to or not, because this person said so? What would you think about that, huh?

    So instead of trying to control women's bodies with your limited and flawed reasoning abilities, why don't you get that cock out of your mouth long enough to get a little oxygen back to your brain and leave the abortion debate to people whose last name ISN'T synonomous with the shitty after-product of ass sex.

  34. MistaEko

    Rick just doesn't want black guys deciding anything about white women's bodies. A fetus was compromised to be 3/5 of a person.

  35. lochnessmonster

    Is there a provision for mental health care in the Affordable Healthcare Act? If not, we need to add one and this guy should make sure he takes advantage.N

  36. cheaphits

    It depends how Sister Sarah of the Northland fares. If she jumps to the head of the pack early, maybe the RNC will look for the "next craziest" candidate, Mr. Rick the bathroom fixture would for sure be in the running..

  37. kenlayisalive

    Honestly, the sheer fact that someone would even bother to train a video camera on this guy when he is not a) hit in the nuts by something or b) standing sort of out of the way on the edge of the frame while a cat is doing something funny, is sheer proof that our nation is doomed.

  38. Negropolis

    I love how you can see the gears turning in its head, and he seems to stop, but barrels ahead into this own douchieness. This is a guy who'd quite literally grant humanity to a sperm and also an egg, but the egg is second class, and she has to stay in the kitchen all barefoot-like.

  39. Negropolis

    You know what has always bothered me about Santorum? He is so self-assured in his thinking that he can never wrong. He's not a loud-mouthed douchebag, but his kind of douchebaggery is even more sinister in a way.

    Rick's got the whole world figured out; defer all thinking to him. While this isn't rare for a politician, Rick takes it to a whole other level.

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