pandaleaks

It’s All Going To Be OK: The Zoo Pandas Signed a Five-Year Extension

Talking crap about us, pandas?Why do we suddenly see members of Congress referring inanely to nerdface Hu Jintao, the weakest leader in the history of the People’s Republic of China, as a “dictator” and a murdering “gangster”? Our pandas have been SECURED. That’s right, Washington, your pandas have signed a five-year extension, so you can rest assured that your mediocre zoo will continue to be somewhat used for something other than as a jogging track. “The pandas may be a cultural attraction we had to borrow from China, but everything in Washington is borrowed from China, and we need something to put on our Metro cards.” But despite the free speech grandstanding, if China suddenly becomes a democracy we probably will lose the pandas, haha.

Mei Xiang and Tian Tian have been at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., for 10 years. And with today’s agreement, they can stay for another five, Secretary-General of the China Wildlife Conservation Association Zang Chunlin announced.

The current agreement officially expired in December, but an extension of the pair’s stay was expected. There is an official signing ceremony of the extended research agreement scheduled for Thursday morning at the National Zoo.

Did the pandas put little America jerseys over their business suits like sports players do at the announcement of their signing?

But yeah, like we said, those pandas are totally headed back to China if it becomes a democracy, because the people probably don’t like us having them. (It’s called “populism.”) Pandas are a precious resource over there, because they’re even better than children at making toys out of plastic and lead. [WSJ]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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76 comments

  1. KathrynSane

    Maybe this will finally inspire certain wingnutty segments of the population to follow in the pandas' footsteps and decide they are just too damn fat and lazy to reproduce.

  2. Crank_Tango

    Well how else can you refer to a leader of an actual communist country after all the shit they've said about barry?

    wait, you were talking about actual pandas? I just thought it was some kinda racist term à la george jefferson…

      1. DoktorZoom

        Pandas? We don' have to show you steenking pandas!

        (Everybody knows
        That the world is full of stupid people)

      1. prommie

        In a few years, we'll be eating the pandas, and the rest of the lions and tigers and bears, right before the cannibalism starts.

  3. angryclownspawn

    I can't believe the GOP is on board with these obviously foreign pandas taking our panda's jobs. Next thing you know they will be spawning anchor panda babies and such.

  4. thefrontpage

    It's long past the time to simply end these unneeded, expensive, ridiculous, moronic, dumb and stupidly over-hyped dog-and-pony shows known stupidly as "state dinners" that are held moronically at taxpayer expense. They are expensive, they are unneeded, they serve no real purpose.During a time when an estimated 1 million people are expected to lose their homes in 2011, when unemployment is sticking steadily at about 13 percent, when people are losing their houses and their jobs, when people are living in despair, when our cities are literally crumbling, and we're wasting billions on overseas wars, that is no time to be holding these dog-and-pony shows. If some rich folks want to get together, then pay for it yourselves. Otherwise, the stupid tradition of "state dinners" should come to an end, effective immediately.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      They could just hang out and watch some b-ball at the White House, maybe the Rockets are playing, and call out for some Chinese.

    2. DoktorZoom

      (Look, if you're going to crosspost this to multiple threads, then I'm going to crosspost my reply. Apologies to anyone sitting through it twice)

      Eliminating these dog-and-pony shows (which happen fairly rarely; this is only the third for this administration), we could cut almost as much from the deficit as we would by reducing paperclip and rubber band waste by the Defense Department.

      Not that I'm really a fan of lavish state dinners, but in the big scheme of things, they're a pretty minor thing, and the cost of taking some kind of action to bring them to an end (meetings, figuring out alternatives that wouldn't cause a diplomatic kerfuffle, even paying the costs of laying off the chefs and staff and all that) would eat up a good chunk of any savings. It's sort of comparable to the notion that if Bill Gates drops a $20 dollar bill, it makes more sense for him to not pick it up, since he could make more money in those two seconds by continuing to whatever meeting he's headed to.

      Also… Please proofread for redundancies in the future. There's simply no excuse for writing "dog-and-pony shows" twice in a single paragraph.

      1. jim89048

        It's like I tell some consultant friends of mine–they'd be homeless, or at least unemployed, if their clients would just avail themselves of gotomeeting.com or whatever more dependable service Cisco offers, but sometimes everyone just feels better meeting face-to-face, expenses be damned.

      2. natoslug

        Yeah, some of haven't been to Tijuana in years, so redundant reminders of dog-and-pony shows just stings, man!

      1. thefrontpage

        Dog and pony shows. Dog and pony shows. Dog and pony shows. Dog and pony shows. And they're nothing but…dog and pony shows.

    3. WhatTheHolyHeck

      Those state dinners are costing the taxpayers $200 million per day! I totally learned that on Snopes.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    They're okay with the bears staying over here because Pandas are probably literally (channeling Joe Biden) the only living creature the Chinese won't eat. (I've probably been watching too much Bizarre Foods & No Reservations.)

    1. prommie

      Are you sure they won't eat them? Or is it that Pandas are the only animal they won't eat when anyone is watching? I mean, these people eat bird-spit, they go nuts for snake blood, I find it completely impossible to believe that they wouldn't eat a panda, if noone was watching, anyway.

      1. moralturpentine

        Prince Philip approves this comment. "If it has got four legs and is not a chair, if it has two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it."

  6. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I’d like to see some geneticist combine a panda, a koala bear and some C4 to make an incredibly irresistible bomb that no one could keep from hugging. We’ll make billions selling it to Israel, South Korea and Disney.

    1. Terry

      Tai Shan and I share the same birthday (different years). Each year since he was born, my little nieces would insist that we sing Happy Birthday to both me and the panda. I don't mind sharing. :)

  7. _MISS_T_

    Haha the attitude to Pandas is so dismissive and cool in Washington compared to my town. when our pandas arrived from China, the streets were lined with welcome signs and panda decorations and a billboard officially welcoming them. Pandas. That probably spent the journey sleeping off the flight. Our famous chocolate maker makes panda shaped chocolates (still!) as tribute. I'm too embarrassed to say what town on this planet spent so much tax money on worshipping furry animals.

    1. jim89048

      Reminds me of the first Tut exhibit in San Francisco. At first, everyone was all excited. Before too long, it was all "boy king go home". Meh.

  8. ttommyunger

    Considering our track record, they'll be lucky to get their fucking bears back alive. Seems America as a whole has had the Midas Touch in reverse the last few years, and I'm not talking mufflers here.

  9. Beowoof

    Now that they're under contract for 5 years, Dan Snyder and Mike Shanahan called and wondered whether they can throw a ball.

  10. freakishlywrong

    Great. Now I can't stop singing ♫Sexual Harassment. Paaandaaaa ♪♪. I really can't. And I'm at work.

  11. Come here a minute

    Should have gone for the draft picks instead. Washington D.C. has got to have the dumbest bunch of owners in the country.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Behind the Zoo Door, Part III

      The Devil in Miss Mei Xiang

      Panda Does Her Sisters

      I Am Curious (Black and White)

  12. DaSandman

    Can we send the Chinese Boner and Cantor in trade? Hell, let the pandas run the Repug party, they can't do worse then Michael Steele

  13. JackDempsey1

    I've seen the DC pandas, which are cute in an American way as they lazily roll around in their own filth. I've also seen pandas in their natural habitat in Sichuan province. They spend most of their time assembling electronics. Get the government off our pandas' backs.

  14. mereoblivion

    Why don't the pandas appear in "Experience China"? (Times Square, six thousand three hundred times in the next three weeks, peoples!) They couldn't have made it any more ridiculous or insufferable than it already is.

  15. tcama

    Actually, the people do want us to keep the pandas. See, it's the People's Republic of China, so everything the republic does is, per se, the will of the people. Ergo, ipso facto, ad nauseum, et cetera.

  16. Mindblank

    When 99% of your diet is a single crop, you're not long for this earth for good reason. Goddamned, nearly-extinct bears.

  17. Kidneys4Sale

    What would be the effect on his Presidental aspirations if the rumor was circulated that China only lets us keep these ones bacause Newt Gingrich sullied their honor?

  18. deleted1961190

    If you substitute "Sarah and Todd" for "Mei Xiang and Tian Tian" the story gets much more interesting.

  19. OneTrueLiberal

    As do most TrueLiberal Wonketteers, Franklin and I celebrate the pandas as a perfect metaphor the racial makeup of our current President.

    Cordially,

    Eleanor

  20. SilverFox

    My girlfriend is pretty sure they are Chinese spies dressed in panda costumes. She swore she one of them smoking a cig and reading the Post a few summers ago. I'm starting to buy it…

  21. LionelHutzEsq

    Sure, the Panda's are cute, but did they really need a 1/2 hour special on ESPN where they went back and forth on making their decision of which zoo they were ending up at?

  22. Redhead

    If they have a baby panda while living at the zoo, would the teabaggers/Orly Taitz ask for the baby's birth certificate? I mean I know they hate half black, half white, sort of foreign sounding things…

  23. WriteyWriterton

    So the pandas and the zoo avoided arbitration? Just shows why they didn't use Drew Rosenhaus. He'd have had them doing one-armed push-ups in their driveway for ESPN "reporters" until no zoo was willing to touch them, except at a HUGE discount.

  24. Negropolis

    China's stealing our intellectual property like a thief in the night, but, hey…Pandas! Oooo, shiny/sparkly! Maybe in a few years, when Hu is President of Chimerica, he can send over a piece of the Great Wall we can gawk at in our local musea.

Comments are closed.