jesus doesn't care either

People Get Mad That Dumb Alabama Gov Says Weird Christian Things

Too bad she's your sister, eh?Robert Bentley is the governor of Alabama and a Republican. Therefore, he got in trouble this week for implying that people who are not Christians are not his “brother and sister.” And then, suddenly, atheists and the Anti-Defamation League and followers of the First Slammin’ Church of Patrick Ewing and what have you got upset that they were not included in this. What? Why in the world would they want to be this man’s sibling? You know who comes up on the street and tells you they’re your brother or sister? Just Christians and insane homeless people who want to wash your eyelids with a dirty wet rag for money. Calm down, people.

You see, this was simply a misunderstanding. Bentley was at Martin Luther King’s old church so he could explain to black people he doesn’t hate them. That way, when he ignores them because he is a Republican governor of Alabama, he will know they don’t hate him, because both black people and this guy love the Jesus.

”I was elected as a Republican candidate. But once I became governor … I became the governor of all the people. I intend to live up to that. I am color blind,” Bentley said in a short speech given about an hour after he took the oath of office as governor. […]

Bentley added, ”Now I will have to say that, if we don’t have the same daddy, we’re not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I’m telling you, you’re not my brother and you’re not my sister, and I want to be your brother.”

See, just general weirdo governor talk/the exact thing every single Christian says on a daily basis.

He has since apologized to some Jews and said everybody is his brother and sister. Way to go, non-Christians who professionally take offense at stuff! We are now officially this weirdo’s sibling. He’d better not try to borrow money from us.

Meanwhile, take a look at this map of dentists in the state of Alabama that we had on our hard drive for some reason. Spoiler: they don’t have any. But sure, get mad about this instead. [WSFA/Birmingham News]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    He ain't heavy…

    • Swampgas_Man

      Am I my brother's keeper? Can I keep him in a small box in the woods?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      He's a pagan?

    • Negropolis

      …and he ain't my brother, neither.

  • SorosBot

    As an atheist, this is reason #153,786 not to ever set foot in Alabama, or anywhere else in the South for that matter.

    • V572625694

      I'm fortunate enough to go to Alabama quite often. It's not as bad as you'd think. Not great either, unless you're into bass fishing'n'shootin' stuff, in which case it's a little piece of heaven.

      • Negropolis

        I think the state motto is "Alabama: We're Better than Mississippi"

        Sorry, that's not nearly good enough.

    • HELisforHEL

      I feel this way about South Carolina. Some pretty parts, but wow are some of the folks there sure are stupid.

  • x111e7thst

    He looks like he might be related to Jimmy Carter. She looks like she might be from the Philippines. It's just disturbing.

    • SorosBot

      She also looks young enough to be his granddaughter; I hope she's not his wife.

    • SorosBot

      She also looks young enough to be his granddaughter; I hope that's not his wife.

      • JustPixelz

        She's his wife and his sister and his daughter. It's a crazy Southern tradition.

        • OneDollarJuana

          "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown."

  • Pragmatist2

    Dumb Alabama politicians are SUPPOSED to say weird Christian things. It's what they do.
    Monkeys throw feces: Dumb Alabama politicians say weird Christian things.

    • Negropolis

      I think it's in their Constitution that you have to be religiously intolerant.

      So, let's see, the governor of Alabama has just invited blacks in (if they are Christian), but the "no Jews/Muslims/Gays/Etc." signs still stand at the border, right?

  • KathrynSane

    Hell no I'm not your sister. My imaginary space daddy could kick your imaginary space daddy's ass!

    • fuflans

      where have you been?

  • Barbara_i

    I like the way he had his wife/niece in the picture to try to soften his image there.

    • zhubajie

      Bastard child?

  • prommie

    Racist yankees, quit blood-libelling the poor oppressed southerners.

  • metamarcisf

    Hah. Next thing you know, he'll be trying to outlaw evolution

    • user-of-owls

      Why bother to outlaw something that doesn't actually exist in Alabama?

      • CZL

        Same reason Oklahoma outlawed "sharia law." Rednecks are fucking stupid reactionaries.

        • OneDollarJuana

          Just read a fascinating article about a house repo man in L.A. He said that the white rednecks whose houses he was repossessing were the absolute worst in leaving filthy messes.

          • Swampgas_Man

            If someone was taking my home away, I wouldn't exactly leave the place sparkling. I might refrain from leaving obscene comments written in fecal matter, but after that, all guarantees are off.

          • OneDollarJuana

            But it was the rednecks that did exactly that.

          • Gleem_McShineys

            He thought it was gross vandalism, but that's actually Redneck Shui.

  • MagicCookie

    Looks like my creepy perv of a next door neighbor. Yech.

    • Beowoof

      He looks like he could have had Stanley Tucci's part in the Lovely Bones. Only with this guy it would be in real life.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Has got a little Loudon Wainwright III going on, too.

    • widestanceroman

      Reminds me of the custodian who handed out towels to passing freshly showered boys at my junior high's gym locker room. He took just a little too long letting go so he could get a better look. A face tortured and twisted by the evil within.

  • Terry

    "Meanwhile, take a look at this map of dentists in the state of Alabama we had on our hard drive for some reason. Spoiler: they don’t have any. But sure, get mad about this instead. "

    The concentrations of dentists correspond to the State's urban centers, such as Mobile, Huntsville, and Birmingham. I bet you a nickle if you pulled up a similar map from, say, Wyoming, that it'd be even worse.

    That said, the new governor is a fundy arse on his best day.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Let me echo every buddie cop movie ever made:

    "Let me explain one thing to you: We ain't buddies, we ain't partners and we ain't friends. We work together, that's all. I drive the car, and you go in and buy the coffee. And when we get into some shit where I gotta shoot a bunch of bad guys, you back me up and hopefully don't shoot me in the back by mistake. You got that?"

    • CalamityJames

      "Also, we are of differing races, one of us is angry, possibly too old for this, the other is "funny" (?), and possibly mentally unstable. So let's go get this Eastern European guy, who apparently has immunity from being a schmuck, and get back my daughter/your wife."

      Just a minor addendum, but fixed nonetheless.

      • Swampgas_Man

        DAMMIT MCSCROD, you and him are PARTNERS, got that? You work together, you eat together, you sleep . . . eh, better not, we've gotten complaints.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        That must be the mantra Rep. Issa gave to his combat secret service ranger SEALS special ops comrades every morning while protecting the Presidents.

      • Serolf_Divad

        Can you believe they pay people to do this?

  • HolyMaracas

    Why would anybody in the civilized world want this Jeebus douchebag as a brother?

    • user-of-owls

      You've kinda answered your own question there.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      Must be for the sex. It is the South. KIN-WITH-BENEFITS

  • Texan_Bulldog

    This dude makes Larry Craig look masculine. I can't wait for the gay scandal with the black atheist! Good times!

    • Terry

      Heck, he makes Lindsay Graham look masculine.

    • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

      He makes R2D2 look all warm and cuddly.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        Actually, his head shape seems a lot more C3PO to me.

  • charlesdegoal

    Still, you don't have to be a Xtian to be a bro'.

  • mumbly_joe

    I imagine some people who are Christians might have been a bit irked, too, since there's a whole story that Jeebus tells that's supposed to illustrate who is and isn't a Christian's "neighbor". The Good something or another, I think.

    Wait, no, not Christians. I mean, people who follow Jeebus's teachings. There should be a word for them, as a group; I imagine it'd be kinda useful shorthand to have.

    • amyamnesia

      Mythical creatures have no need for names!

    • Mumbletypeg

      So instead of 'nominal' Christians, perhaps
      "anominalous" Christians?

    • Ducksworthy

      Might be easier to start calling these douchebags "professed christians" and the tiny minority who are trying to live out Jeebus teachings "actual christians". They are a small minority but they still exist, even in the south.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Christbuddies?

    • snoopyfan2010

      How about we call them "cuddly wuddly huggy bears"?

      • Gleem_McShineys

        Um.. no.

        Ok prepare yourself. First, look at the picture again. Now look at areas other than the boobies. Clearer now?

  • CapnFatback

    " . . . and I want to be your brother.”

    I'd be more concerned with him wanting to be my daddy.

    • Grief_Lessons

      If you don't want him to be your daddy there's a line of bitches behind you who'd be happy to take your place for a few hours.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Who's your daddy? Haw haw haw!

      • CapnFatback

        No, Hu's our daddy! Wait, wrong comment thread . . .

    • Swampgas_Man

      And I want to be an only child.

  • MARCdMan

    They really can't help it can they? They have to stick their feet in their mouths as fast as they can as soon as they get elected. Morons.

  • FNMA

    This being Alabama, I'm sure what he meant to say was "brothers and sisters with benefits."

  • Barbara_i

    His Ben & Jerry's flavor is Chilly Hillbilly. It has no nuts.

  • hockeymom

    She's my sister.
    She's my daughter.
    She's my sister.
    She's my daughter.

    • JustPixelz

      He's my brother.
      He's my father.
      He's my uncle.
      He's my grandfather.

    • mereoblivion

      Or as his gardener likes to say, "Salt wata velly bad for glass."

  • Makemyownchoice

    That is what irks me about some people with religion. Your somehow less than them if you don't subscribe to the same as them.

    • CalamityJames

      There was absolutely no snark here, but I don't think you deserve no p, so I'm upfisting you for the fuck of it.

      • CalamityJames

        Now that you have big p, my comment just looks ridiculous.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    "If Daddy didn't touch you in all those places he touched me, you ain't my brother or sister and we can't have sex."

  • Come here a minute

    "I am color blind," Bentley said in a short speech given about an hour after he took the oath of office as governor.

    People tell him he's white — he wouldn't be able to know if that's true, but he believes them so he treats black people the way white Alabamians are expected to.

    • Beowoof

      And he is stealing Steven Colber quotes with, "I am color blind" why I believe he may even have a black friend.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I could see using Alabama for testing nukes. They all get to go to heaven sooner and the USA IQ average goes up. It’s a win win for everybody.

    • Barbara_i

      And if anyone turns mutant from the nuclear fallout they would just blend in with those who didn't.

      • HELisforHEL

        Why am I hearing banjos and picturing that white kid with the big head sitting on that porch?

    • Ducksworthy

      Alternatively we could just extend the Tuskegee experiment to the entire (white) population and see how long they last.

  • GregComlish

    Curious that he calls Jesus his "Daddy". Is calling the Lord and Savior of mankind by a child's term of endearment just an instance of gross overfamiliarity? Or have Southern Baptists taken their "submission" to Christ to a whole new level?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Who's your daddy? Haw haw haw!

    • CalamityJames

      My concern is that does this not constitute idolatry? Should Gawd not be the daddy, and Jeebus could just be the creepy uncle who likes to give you "cross rides" and take you to those funny movies with the naked ladies?

    • spinozasgod

      and does that make Jesus all believers baby daddy?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Gov. Mary Fallin of my (not so great) state is slapping her forehead, wondering how the fuck she managed not to say this stoopid thing. All she did was offend the redskins with her pride in how the whites came in and turned the Injun's wasted homelands into fertile oil fields. She forgot to piss off Jews, atheists and nice Xians like me. Ugh, actually, she would have pissed me off, could I bring myself to watch Betty "Mattress Mary" Boop for more then the time it takes to hit the remote control.

    I hate that no-neck bitch.

    • V572625694

      Easy, Dusty. Too early in the day for that much blood pressure. You'll never make it to the evening news at this rate. And Oklahoma's got a lady goobernor! Progress! Like Benazir Bhutto! Or Indira Ghandi!

      Okay, bad examples…but still!

    • CalamityJames

      Does it always have to be about you? Must you Palinize every national tragedy, such as this?

      • DustBowlBlues

        You are SO wrong. Unlike Palin, I can own up to my own ego on this one. It just pisses me off when Alabama crackers steal the spotlight from the stoopid okies who run the clown act that poses as government down here.

        Okay, here it is, Alabama. For utterly, fantastically ignorant, you win the stoopidest of day of the until, of course Rick Santorum opens his mouth.

        What? He did? Well, shit. From 'Bama to Pennsylvania. You know, of course, when the northern states enter the dumbestfuck contest, it skews the ratings. Stay out of this, you northern atheists. You'll never compete for ignorance with the bible belt.

        • CalamityJames

          Amen.

    • Ducksworthy

      But wait. She did promise to offend the constitution didn't she? I think you have some high Okie hilarity to look forward to.

      Take what solice you can. You are now in the clutches of people my Sooner Gramma referred to as 'wooden haids".

      • DustBowlBlues

        Hatriots.

  • horsedreamer_1

    How did Patrick Ewing get his own religion? He never won a World Cup.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iglesia_Maradoniana

  • Weenus299

    Yet, according to the Doobie BROTHERS, Jesus, he's my FRIEND. What the fuck? Jesus is more than "just" all right with me.

    • HELisforHEL

      OMG my husband and I were just discussing this idiot the other night and quoted that stupid song too. LOL Jeebus is just alright–not great or good or awesome. Just alright.
      Hmmm, I guess this clown has us thinking Xtian thoughts. Praise be!

  • fartknocker

    The nice thing about Alabama is that when you get to the center of state, any direction you travel means your leaving the Southern version of Dumbfuckistan.

    I'm sure he's another fucking teatard who jacks off to Sarah Tundratwat. He hasn't spoken enough to confirm it, but I gotta believe it since his niece appears to have a McCain/Palin bumpersticker above her right breast.

    • JohnyEdge

      Not if you're going west towards Mississippi. They should combine the two of them into Alabassissippi.

      Two less Teatard Senators in D.C.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Why oh why couldn't Lincoln just let them go?

  • HolyMaracas

    I wonder if he considers Barry to be his brother or just "a brother."

  • SorosBot

    But are we not all brothers and sisters? No, actually, we're all cousins of some sort, mostly very distant, with our last common ancestor around 100,000 or so years ago

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Yes, and our common ancestors were BLACK.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm pretty happy being an only child, myself.

    • HELisforHEL

      Baldar, that latest avatar is…disturbing. LOL

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Just wanted to fit in with the plethora of kitty-kat avatars found here.

        • HELisforHEL

          HA HA HA! Oh, it certainly does!

  • RedneckMuslin

    I'll bet if you were of a different color and christian, you would not be his bro or sis either. Or Democrat Christian. Haha! Just kidding. There are no Democrat christians.

  • MinAgain

    Well, I just hope he isn't screwing a fellow Christian, 'cause, you know, that would be incest.

  • DustBowlBlues

    I judge Alabama to be on the same intellectual level as Okrahoma. Based on that, what's the saddest thing about this? It will make him MORE popular down there. Speaking from personal experience, Bubba, Leroy and Wanda Bob will hunt down their shoes so they can wear them to town and register to vote.

    • HELisforHEL

      I occasionally play in a three piece band; depending on the venue we switch up the name (I have no idea why–it's the keyboard player's particular kink). What I'm saying is, may I please use "Bubba, Leroy and Wanda Bob" sometime? You'll get total attribution for the genius that it is. ;-D

      • DustBowlBlues

        Of course. And just so you know, there was actually a Mary Bob from Altus Oklahoma. I don't remember her last name but yes, Bob was her middle name.
        If the third is a man, Joe Bob or Jim Bob work, except just not as creatively as Wanda. Is it just me, or is that a redneck name?

        • HELisforHEL

          Totally redneck. Sounds like some of my cousins on my Dad's side (or as my Philly-bred Mom calls them, "The Hillbillies"). Hee

          Thank you, a thousand times thank you!

          Mary Bob. Oy.

  • ttommyunger

    Do his siblings also have ginormous teeth like his? If not, Mr. Ed would like to have a word with you about getting his choppers back, Governor.

  • BornInATrailer

    Like a traditional New Englander, I often imagine those typical stereotypes of white southerners. However, I realize I do this and try to eliminate or minimize their impact on my thought processes or behaviors.

    Alabama makes this very, very difficult.

  • Buzz Feedback

    titz or gtfo

    • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

      Do you mean those nice ones belonging to his sister-daughter-wife there or his?

      • Beowoof

        Yes she is gifted woman, too bad the Gov is not interested in them. On the other hand a pair in a ball sac would have his undivided attention and admiration.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Luke, I am your father. And your brother. It's complicated."

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      And don't give me any of that virgin birth of Anakin, either! Someone was hitting it up behind the moisture converters!

  • KathrynSane

    An old but relevant joke: Why do so many murder cases go unsolved in Alabama?

    Because there aren't any dental records and everyone's DNA is the same.

  • freakishlywrong

    Is Intense Debate being a Kenyan Muslin usurping terr'ist to anyone else today?

  • lefty74

    Whats the word that begins with N and ends with R that this guy will never call a black man? Neighbor.

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    I think what he means is that while he might want to be our brother, deep down inside he feels much more like a sister.

  • randomsausage

    That's the worst case of Gay-face since The Bieber first skipped into the "national conversation". Not that there's anything wrong with that, as The Seinfeld reminds us.

  • angryclownspawn

    I am an atheist who lives in Alabama, but in one of those areas that actually does have dentists. In my defense, my husband picked it.

  • Ducandy

    If that's his daughter I'd love come all over her hard tits.

  • SayItWithWookies

    We're not related through your deity Governor, but we are related through biology. And while I'm glad to see that not all your branch of the family tree went extinct on Flores 18,000 years ago, and that you've found a home where microcephaly isn't necessarily frowned upon, I still find it a mite unfortunate that you managed to get elected to a position of leadership. On the other hand, if crows can use tools, there's hope for you yet.

  • Hatrabbit

    Who's your Daddy, Governor?

  • notreelyhelping

    He came into the room where his sister lived…and then he….

  • JustPixelz

    What the hell was Lincoln thinking? Oh yeah, the slaves.

  • thefrontpage

    I'm a liberal, left-leaning, progressive, modern-thinking Democrat, and far-right, overly-religious, crazed, psycho, moronic, idiotic, wingnut teabagger nimrods like Bentley are not my "brothers" or "sisters," and I'm quite happy about that.

    If Bentley is a far-right religious psycho who actually believes that people who don't agree with his religious views are not equals of his, then he should resign from office, effective immediately, and let a real politician be the governor of a state. Really.

    • Plowmon

      Sure, someone like Guy Hunt…

  • widestanceroman

    Look, you stubbed toe-faced freak, you are not my brother and if you insult my mother again by claiming this, she will come down from heaven and kick your warty ass to hell's front door. Are we clear?

  • hagajim

    It's obvious that this man is color blind….and tone deaf!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    yes, yes, thats contoversial,… Alabama you say,… brothers and sisters you say,… uhh ha, a Governor, Christians, oh my ….

    Jeeepers NICE HOOTERS!!11

    • Mindblank

      That was my thought, too.

      • Ducksworthy

        I am astounded that the Wonketteers have gotten this far into the thread before commenting on the only worthwhile aspect of this whole post. Her titties.

  • nounverb911

    I'd be surprised if Bentley even knows who his daddy was.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I predict that during the week of Jan. 24 – 28 this Gov'Nor will be on the InSannity Show (radio or tv or both) for a "Full Hannity" Rehab.

    InSannity will ask a bunch of leading, softball questions and otherwise guide him through the infomercial.

  • WhatTheHeck

    In them there neck of the woods it’s known as Separation of church and a state of insanity.

  • randomsausage

    That chick is the dead-spit of movie hottie Juila Stiles. The South shall rise again, especially in my pants. Woof Woof.

  • spinozasgod

    Has his mail-order bride been saved?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I'll hazard another guess her with this young lady, 36DD too? Just what is being reapportioned in 2011?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Your move, Haley Barbour.

  • politics_nerd

    dowhatnow? I dont get it. I think they put the wrong picture on this story or something. I want to know about the friendly looking girl holding the sock puppet with glasses. thats something you dont see every day, a sock puppet with glasses. those are glasses, right? that cant possibly be his face.

  • petehammer

    Working in HR I can tell you that "I am colorblind" is the worst answer you give give to a diversity question, outside of "I hate blacks."

    No, Alabama governor, you aren't colorblind. No one is colorblind.

  • MiniMencken

    As a dermatologist, his patient base skews pretty much to the Caucasian end of the spectrum. Since he has been married to the same woman for 46 years, if that woman in the photo is his wife, he knows his bidness, you cheeky little monkeys.

  • Redhead

    From that picture, I'm starting to think Jared Laughner is his brother…

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    ”Now I will have to say that, if we don’t have the same daddy, we’re not brothers and sisters."

    Uhhhh, some remedial biology may be in order. After all, republicans are always willing to reexamine their convictions in light of copious scientific evidence …

    Oh wait.

  • fuflans

    i love that map.

    • Plowmon

      try to remember some of those counties are really rural with small populations, without so many teeth they don't need no dentists…

  • Negropolis

    I love this. I'm not racist, I'm just a general bigot.

    Progress, fuck yeah!

  • Negropolis

    Now, watch Bentley's (how quintessentially Alabamian) approval rating shoot through the roof. Up here where I live, he'd at least made himself an instant one-termer.

    Dude's so imbred he's almost lost his chin, and his forehead has turned into a six-head.

  • zhubajie

    I presume he thinks Southern Baptists are Christians. What about Northern Baptists? Pentecostals? Mormons? Roman Catholics?

    • Plowmon

      Only Southern Baptists are Christians, the rest of ya'll gonna dance in the fires of Hell. Don't believe me? Ask one…

      • zhubajie

        Oh, I remember when they openly preached White Supremacy as part oftheir Gospel.

  • DrunkIrishman

    This is the kind of shit that happens when you elect the dad from ALF.

  • SorosBot

    If she's his niece that would make her his daughter.

  • Beowoof

    I thought if that were the case he would of turned into a rich white woman ala Michael Jackson.