bringing gridlock to the armed forces

Sad Old John McCain Trying To Get Friend Joe Lieberman Job With Obama

Matching outfits? Of course.Oh for Christ’s sake: “Sen. John McCain, R-AZ, tells CNN he believes his good friend Joe Lieberman would make a good defense secretary for President Obama, calling him ‘one of the most informed members of the Senate on national security issues and homeland security issues.’” How helpful of him! You know, just the other day one of Sasha’s friends was telling Obama he should appoint her to be the princess of America. Obama will take both of these very fine suggestions down on a piece of paper and put them in a sparkly purple box on his desk labeled “THINGS TO CONSIDER VERY CAREFULLY.”

Yeah, Lieberman probably is not the best choice. It’s not a good idea for the guy running wars to slink off and mope and try to destroy everything that is being done as soon as some small thing doesn’t go his way. Probably better to choose Sasha’s friend for that job. Lieberman would make a good stuck-up princess.

With sadness in his voice, the Arizona Republican called Lieberman “the most decent man that I have ever known in the Senate. He lives his religion and is the most generous spirit.”

“He’s not going to go into retirement, he just wants to do other things, and I’ll miss him every single day,” said McCain.

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McCain said that Lieberman told him that he is “tired” after 40 years in public service, and admitted that “he knew he had a tough re-election fight” had he chosen to run for a fifth Senate term.

McCain said he will miss their close friendship and camaraderie in the Senate, but also said Lieberman’s retirement will create a “vacancy on national security issues, the Middle East in particular.”

It would save this whole country a lot of irritation if you two would just hurry up and fuck each other. [CNN]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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121 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "It would save this whole country a lot of irritation if you two would just hurry up and fuck each other."

    How does Lindsey Graham fit into this?

    1. Negropolis

      Very carefully? Either that, or simply take it from both ends. **shudders** Look what you done gone and made me do.

  2. smokefilledroommate

    "He lives his religion and is the most generous spirit."

    Translation: He's a Jew, but the non-stingy kind–can you imagine? HENNNNGH?!

  3. MittsHairHelmet

    As a Jew, I always thought "living my religion" meant being rich, having a bar-mitzvah, pining for Natalie Portman and ordering Chinese on Christmas Eve.

    1. Negropolis

      Hey, a few of those things are part of my own religion, too. Namely, pining for Natalie Portman. Or Scarlett Johanssen. Also. Tambien. Oh, or Mila Kunis. So many hot, petite, Hollywood Jewesses, so few hours in the day.

  4. GOPCrusher

    John's just jealous because this means that Joe and Lindsey will now have more time to play house.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    That picture looks like 2 old coots on a casino-bound bus who got let out to go pee & eat at the Golden Corral all you can eat buffet.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        Nah, that's got his name & phone number on it in case he forgets who he is again. Kind of like what they pin on your Kindergartner the first week of school.

  6. mrblifil

    Hey maybe the administration could hire Joe as a Czar to look into what went wrong with Katrina response…oh right, that was his job as co-chair of the Senate Select Subcommittee on Homeland Security, the Congressional body assigned to overlook FEMA. Or how about accountability for 9/11, he could…oh right Homeland Security Committee again. How about Special Prosecutor to the Department of Figuring Out Why Jewish Fundamentalists Haven't Figured Out That Christian Fundamentalists Hate Them.

  7. OneYieldRegular

    Call me crazy, but I really don't think John McCain should be offering more advice on choices for key positions within ANY administration.

    1. Negropolis

      Secretary of Defense Sarah Palin.

      If you want to scare a child, just tell him or her that Sarah Palin lives under the bed or in their closet and will get them if they don't eat their vegetables.

  8. Troubledog

    McCain's personnel recommendations are a little shaky, considering how well it worked out when he said Sarah Palin was qualified to be President of the United States.

  9. noodlesalad

    Surrendering Congress' power to declare war to the President, because he's going to bomb the brown people you don't like = "one of the most informed members of the Senate on national security issues and homeland security issues."

  10. angryclownspawn

    This is the sweetest bromance EVAH! John McCain doesn't even mind it when he gets Joementum all over his lawn, if you know what I mean…

  11. Callyson

    Oh, hell to the no. If Obama is going to hire a Republican for his staff, at least make it Ah-nahld, who is closer to being a Democrat than Lie-berman ever was.

  12. V572625694

    Don't you love how old pols characterize 40 years of getting their dicks sucked by lobbyists as "public service"? They may actually believe it.

  13. metamarcisf

    Of course, those guys are cute together, but how about this breaking news:
    Joan Rivers claims her scheduled appearance on Fox News Channel's "Fox and Friends" Thursday morning has been canceled because of disparaging remarks she made about Sarah Palin, a paid contributor at the network. Rivers said: "They're right to blame Sarah for the shootings. Go look at her website. … This woman is stupid, and a threat."

    Oh. The humanity.

  14. __kth__

    Well that was the unlikeliest bromance ever, born entirely of political opportunism. IRL, a flyboy like McCain would have nothing but contempt for the sniveling, wincing, craven shell of a man that Lieberman is. The only historical analogue I can think of is Marlon Brando and Wally Cox, but McCain has never been into the transgressive thing afaik.

  15. Gomez571

    If you were to make a human centipede of the three of them, Joe would be the head, because of the Kosher thing right? Would John or Lindsey take up the rear? Oh yeah, Lindsey obviously.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Joe is definitely a rarity — one of the few people that John McCain found less qualified to run the country than Sarah Palin. If that doesn't merit some sort of high office, then nothing does.

  17. Jukesgrrl

    Jack, I spent last weekend hoping Joe Buck and Aaron Rodgers would just "hurry up and fuck each other," but I think your McCain-Lieberman pairing wins for this Porn-of-the-Week. (And bonus: Aunt Lindsey will be SO jealous.)

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Although they've put their bromance on hold until after the game, I think there will be some Cutler-on-Rodgers fucking action this Sunday, so to speak, if that'll tide you over. And George Halas will be fucking Lombardi in his grave.

      God, that's gross. What I mean is, GO BEARS!! This one's for all the cheese!!

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I know its OT, but fuck da Bears. I'm still pissed at Lovie for firing Ron Rivera basically out of fear a few years back. For a major city, the franchise is very poorly run, too – very few good draft picks, lots of free agent screw ups and relying on even dumber moves by other teams to succeed. For example, if the Ditkas somehow beat the Fondues, Lovie should personally give Josh McDaniels any Super Bowl bonus he gets for gift wrapping Cutler for them.

        I think the game would be for all the brats, not the cheese, since Illinois isn't known for its dairy products.

    2. justkillmenow

      Jon Grudin's verbal felating of Tim Tebow – WHO WASN'T EVEN PLAYING IN THE BOWL GAME – was enough to make me vomit.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Tebow's turned a lot of guys who thought they were straight. It's that irresistible combination of an arm strong enough to throw a football AND wave a big cross.

  18. fuflans

    also: "He’s not going to go into retirement, he just wants to do other things…"

    sounds a lot like a threat.

  19. Not_So_Much

    Awww, Joe is tired from 40 years of being a spineless, untrustworthy sack of shit. Take him "to a farm upstate" and let him run free. Bowzy bowzy bow wow…

    1. smokefilledroommate

      Sheesh– I guess one too many 'Marty Farty' jokes and bam! you're dead..

      yeah–but great replacement, though. The dead guy, right?

  20. Terry

    A couple of comments:

    - Joe Lieberman has a lucrative career as an insurance lobbyist already lined up. He's been in their pocket for years. He wouldn't take a comparatively low paying appointment.

    - Sasha and Malia are already princesses of America. Sasha's friend is SOL.

    1. Negropolis

      Sasha and Malia could still apportion peerages. You know, the Dutchess of Dakota, the Baroness of 'Bama, the Countess of Kentucky, the Marchioness of Michigan, the Grand Duchy of Delaware, the Viscountess of Virginia, etc…

  21. LionelHutzEsq

    While it wasn't always evident during the Bush Administration, John McCain does realize there is a difference between "Secretary of Defense" and "My Own Personal Fluffer"?

  22. MinAgain

    This country could use a good princess or two. After all, we have more than enough court jesters to go around.

  23. qwerty42

    Jeebus, McCain must have forgotten that Joe endorsed him and not Obama in 2008. And that was to get ready for a position in the Obama Administration? via Sullivan, here is Jon Chait on Lieberman.

  24. aguacatero

    Funny you mention Princess of America, because another of Senator McCain's closest Senate buddies has dibbs on that job.

  25. EdFlintstone

    McCain added that he thought Zell Miller would be an excellent choice to replace Sec. Clinton should she decide to leave.

  26. Bluestatelibel

    I think Depends spokesman would be right up Joe's alley–that is, if the health-insurance companies he whores for still aren't dumping truckloads of cash at his house.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    McCain said that Lieberman told him that he is “tired” after 40 years in public service…

    Exactly the qualities we should be looking for in a Sec. of Defense.

  28. Come here a minute

    Yeah, Obama will get right on that, as soon as he finishes appointing Secretary of State Dick Cheney.

    1. mourningnmerica

      President Obama has not surrendered on any issues for a couple of weeks now. He is no doubt Jonesing for another submission. Maybe Eric Cantor or Lloyd Blankfein for Secretary of Defense.

  29. voodooeconomics

    More like the executioner of Obama. John Mac, where were you during the last 2 years when Joe held the cards and snub O like shit.

  30. bitchincamaro2

    A back-stabbing, mumbley-mouthed, orthodox religionist running the mightiest military in the world. What could go wrong?

  31. iburl

    (Joe) Hi, I'm Joe Lieberman and welcome to my new show "Lieberman's Connecticut"…. Here we are at my favorite ice cream parlor, Susie's Scoops… I'll have 1 scoop of vanilla, Susie… (Man shouts from off camera) Up yours, Lieberman! … (Joe) Ha, you'll find that the people of Connecticut say what's on their minds, and that's part of the enormous spirit of Connecticut…Let's just take this ice cream outside… Ah, another beautiful sunny day in Connecticut…. (Woman shouts from off camera) Go to Hell, Joe! … (Joe) OK, let's finish the ice cream in the limo.

  32. JackObin

    Well why stop there, McCain? How about a new cabinet post: Secretary of Stupidity. I think you know someone eminently qualified.

  33. Guppy06

    I'll miss having Gates around. There's something beautiful about a Bush appointee working to cut defense spending, and pissing off the GOP in the process.

  34. thefrontpage

    Everyone knows that either Arnold Schwarzenegger or Ted Nugent should be the Defense Secretary.

    Lieberman should just retire, period, and enjoy his retirement. Maybe he could volunteer in the community, perhaps at his local synagogue.

    1. mourningnmerica

      I have to take issue with your comment. Didn't you mean to say that Joe …"should just retire, and die slowly, from the flesh eating bacteria."?

  35. el_donaldo

    Oh, yeah. Obama's actually looking for someone to fill the position of White House concern troll. That's really going to happen.

  36. Tundra Grifter

    Wasn't this "Department of Homeland Security" debacle Joe Lieberman's idea? Isn't the US government a wonderful place, where people fall up?

    Meanwhile, if Sen. Joe is such a good guy and knows so much about homeland security and D-## and everything, why didn't Sen. McCain select him as his vice-presidential candidate?

  37. problemwithcaring

    “Sen. John McCain, R-AZ, tells CNN he believes his good friend Joe Lieberman would make a good defense secretary for President Obama."

    C'mon McCain. You know Joe is too patriotic to go pallin' around with terrorists.

  38. bumfug

    You didn't keep turning the box on Obama's desk – the label went around the corner and said "THINGS TO VERY CAREFULLY CONSIDER TOO FUCKING STUPID TO READ."'

  39. Redhead

    Why has this sad old man not been carted off to a nursing home yet? At this point he has less brain functioning than Trig.

    Hell, send Droopy Dog with him.

  40. Snarkfest

    "He lives his religion…"

    You mean Lieberman dresses in white robes, prepares a banquet beneath a tree and sups with two white bulls. Then he climbs the tree and cuts down a branch of mistletoe with a golden sickle? Then sacrifices the white bulls while the attendants pray to a god?

    Oh wait. That's my Pagan meeting this month.

  41. _MISS_T_

    Poor McCain! Remember how cut up he was when Feingold left? Feingold had to step up his personal security to scrape McCain from his leg. Now Liebermann. And Lindsay's gone in 2012 too; only a matter of months before he, like Joe, 'chooses' to retire rather than suffer the humiliation. Then McCain has NO friends left. It's like those days at school when all the people you REALLY like happen to all be away for whatever reason and you have to swallow your pride and try and weasle into another crowd for the day so as to not be a loner.

  42. MoeDeLawn

    Joe is a classic example of "We should trade him in for a horse, and then shoot the horse. We'd break even."

  43. NorthStarSpanx

    Given that McCain introduced Sarah Palin as probably the mostest Energy Expert in the entire world, I don't think Joe's got much of a chance in any Administration.

  44. Barbara_i

    Joe L appeared on the Morning Joe show with Arianna Huffington this morning and called her "sweetheart" Does this mean he's bisexual? He should have done Eva's Gabor's voice and called her "dahlink"

  45. Joey_Ratz

    the most decent man that I have ever known in the Senate

    Talk about a backhanded compliment. While it is probably true, that's because WALNUTS! and all his friends are republicans. It's a bit like all the praise Paul Ryan gets for at least having some sorta economic plan, even though it is brain-dead and impractical. Man, imagine being a member of any organisation where a schmuck like Lieberman stands out as a paragon of virtue and selflessness…

  46. V572625694

    Actually the one we have is great, whatever his party. First one evah to snuff big programs for all the services, and ask in public why we need a Navy larger than the next 19 nations' combined. It's one of those Nixon-goes-to-China deals, maybe, but he's doing better than any in my (long but spotty) memory.

    Plus he has a sense of humor. On "Sixty Minutes," they asked him, "Aren't you afraid you'll get in trouble for killing these programs and firing generals?"

    "What are they gonna do," he asked. "Fire me?"

  47. HistoriCat

    No argument from me – I think he's done great, especially in light of his predecessor. But assuming that he leaves the job before Obama leaves office, we'd better see a Democrat nominated for SecDef. Otherwise, Barry is just going along with the "Democrats are soft on defense" meme and that would be bullshit.

  48. BerkeleyBear

    Gates is, shockingly enough, one of those rare people in government who actually live the idea that their job should be done well regardless of the impact on their favored political party. President told him to cut and he cut. No freaking chance the cuts on the F-35 and Marine landing craft stick (too many contractors – heck, the delagates from Boeing and Lockheed are still fighting over that fuel tanker contract and the second source for the engine for the unneeded F-35s) but it is still nice to see him try.

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