Dear Birthers:
It’s okay, I’m white.
Listen up, you guys: I like what you’re doing. I do. It’s very entertaining. Even your name is funny! Your undying Birther devotion to your initial impulse that the president of the United States “doesn’t seem like he’s from around these parts” is adorable. But I’m afraid this birth certificate thing is just becoming banal. It’s just not going to sustain itself for two more years. You need new ideas. And I’m here to help.
Let’s keep with this whole eligibility thing. It’s your brand. It’s what people know you for, and I don’t want to mess with that. When people come for you for ridiculous points of view, they expect you to stick to your guns. You won’t even let your brains’ comprehension of this presidency get past square one, and I respect that.
But let’s mix it up a little. You like the Constitution? Sure, you love it. You love it so much you chopped it up into pieces, put it in the blender, and snorted it. So let’s explore that a little more. Here are some suggestions:
- Look at this line from Article II:
The Congress may determine the Time of chusing the Electors, and the Day on which they shall give their Votes; which Day shall be the same throughout the United States.
“Chusing”? What the hell is that? Congress may have done some “choosing,” but it certainly didn’t do any “chusing.” ELECTION INVALID, DO OVER.
- You also love the next line, as we know:
No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President
You of course focus on the “born Citizen” part, but what about this “at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution” thing? Where is the evidence Obama was born before the Constitution was ratified? He hasn’t show anything, though the Constitution seems to say, in between all its commas, that the president must be at least 222 years old to hold the office right now. Which means John McCain is the only one in the country eligible for the job.
- And then there’s the next line:
The President shall, at stated Times, receive for his Services, a Compensation, which shall neither be increased nor diminished during the Period for which he shall have been elected
You see how the founders capitalized “Services” and “Compensation” like that? It’s because they’re euphemisms for sex stuff. Obama is collecting a paycheck, yet he’s not whoring himself out for sex with any American who wants it — a clear violation of his duties. The job begins when he performs his first back-alley blowjob, obviously, so his presidency hasn’t even begun.
See, these reasons are just as good at denying Obama’s eligibility to be president as refusing to believe all the evidence Obama was born in Hawaii, but they put a little spice into your favorite activity. Please choose one and go with it for a little while. You’re getting really boring.
Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan
{ 135 comments }
You know who else was white?
Wayne Brady?
Aren't all Candians?
Darius Rucker (AKA Hootie)?
Barack Obama?
Michael Jackson?
Carrot Top?
Herm Cain?
The White Stripes?
Christmas?
John Wayne Gacey!
Mormon Space Jesus?
Edgar Winter?
Johnny Winter?
The Whitest! Yet still, with Soul.
Jelly Roll Morton?
Powder?
Julian Assange?
Carlton from The Fresh Prince?
Me?
That's right, Frank Stallone.
Hitler.
The Scarlet Pimpernel?
Considering I found Barry's birth certificate with a simple search of The Google, I'm led to believe Hawaii's Governor doesn't have access to the internet. He must transmit messages using smoke signals and coconut phones. Just like the Founders!
hula dancing could be an advanced form of morse code.
You would think he would know how to surf the internet.
The full headline should be: "Hawaii Governor can't find Obama's Birth Certificate, Google Not Working, Calls Tech Support"
Quick, Gilligan! Fetch the Professor. He'll settle this issue once and for all.
"smoke signals and coconut phones" is such an epic win I can't up-thumb you enough.
I'll believe he was born in Kenya until I see the video of his birth with Don Ho singing "Tiny Bubbles" in the background while Strom Thurmond looks proudly on chanting "Miscegenation Forever!"
Wait until they find out Jesus was black.
Jesus was black? At least he wasn't a Jew.
Sammy Davis, Jr. died for your sins, baby!
Guys, guys. Jesus was Jewish!
/Avenue Q
Guys, guys. Jesus was Jewish!
/obligatory Avenue Q reference
"Only on his mother's side." (Archie Bunker).
According to the Constitution Obama is only 3/5ths of a President.
40% of the time, the Administration is the tits.
Biden!
hes 1/2 black so it would be (1/2 * 3/5) + 1/2 so 3/10+1/2 or 8/10 or 4/5ths of a president. You're welcome.
But if you're black, you're black all the way. Thus, the children of planters by slave-women: blacks, & slaves.
But all Dems are illegitimate presidents, donchasee?
Which makes it easier to override a veto. . . if you do the math.
A 222 year old whore of our chusing. Hmmm. Pardon me, your finger just fell off during the hand job. Disgusting. Impeachment a coming!
This joke would also work in a leper colony.
"Keep the tip."
Maybe the Governor of Hawaii would have more success if he got a file clerk to look for it. He just doesn't have the training to retrieve files.
You joke, but speaking as a serial temp, I can verify it's true. Bosses seem to forget the alphabet somewhere in the transition from middle to upper management.
Frank Black!
I've actually been having some fun with someone copypasta'ing all over Breitbart with this. TL;DR version is, even if the loony birthers are right that Obama's born in Kenya, they're still wrong. If being born outside the United States makes someone not natural born, then John McCain isn't either, because he was born in Panama, and thus Bob Barr is our new president. On the other hand, if having one parent who was a British subject when you were born means you aren't "natural born", then every president from Van Buren through Lincoln -that would be full half of the presidents born after the Constitution was written- was a "usurper". Down with 90 years of American history!
Weird part is, nobody's taken away my pee for it, yet. I dunno. Still, if I lose all my pee, you'll know why.
Mumbly your pee is our pee.
Say something about Palin over there and soon you'll be in metamarcsf territory — and that is a beautiful thing.
mumbly_joe: Several years ago Sen. McCain's friends in the Senate saw this one coming and passed what amounts to a private bill that states he is eligible to be President of the US of A. Now, we know he didn't get the votes to make it happen – but he does have the papers to make it possible.
I just fisted you to keep your P high and strong. Carry on!
I gave you an anti-pee just for the hell of it. So there.
Technically McCain is a citizen because he was born on an army base in Panama, which is still considered US soil as the Simpsons pointed out. And when south of the equator, the US army even forces their toilets to flow in the American direction.
Actually, this is an exciting bit of trivia (actually, not really): for a while, there was a great deal of controversy over precisely this question, whether the Canal Zone counted as US soil, per se, for the purposes of ascertaining citizenship. From 1905 until 1937, those born in the Canal zone were merely US nationals, not citizens. The matter was not resolved until legislation that passed in 1937 established that anyone born in the canal zone to at least one American parent was themselves a US citizen. John McCain was born in 1936. Admittedly, the 1937 legislation applied retroactively, but still: if you're trying to be a rules-lawyer about this stuff, it's an easier case to make, frankly. On the other hand, though, Obama is brown.
I was just reading about George Romney, Mittens' father, and the issue of who is and isn't a citizen also came up in 1967 when George was trying to win the Republican nomination for preznit. Old George was born in Mexico, because his polygamous Mormon grandparents had fled the US because of polygamizing, and George was born in the state of Chihuahua. He eventually dropped out of the race, and Wikipedia says his eligibility was never resolved.
Abercrombie & Snitch.
The Electors shall meet in their respective States, and vote by Ballot for two persons, of whom one at least shall not lie an Inhabitant of the same State with themselves.
Guess how many Electors were "lieing" (getting laid) or lieing themselves (masturbating, I think). Or whatever that means.
so what you're saying is that basically, our constitution is a late 1780s porno tract?
This is good news for Thomas Jefferson.
Then it fhall need moar buttfeckf.
Explains a lot, doesn't it?
Makes you think about what the teabaggers are really asking for when they say they want a return to the founders' ideals…
Thomas Jefferson's Mandinga.
Explains the 'baggers slobbering obsession with it. The lack of comprehension must be due to the lack of pictures.
"Lie" is a typo.
The anti-Hawaiian Founding Fathers clearly meant "lei".
Did you look under L for Long Forms?
The original original text was "coo coo ca-chusing", but a conspiracy of Rolling Stones fans took that out.
Pleased to mee-chu, hope you guessed my name…
Gesundheit!
they should accuse him of being a witch.
built a bridge out of 'im!
Does he float like a great gravy or small rocks?
"And he's strange,
Sure he's strange"
He should come up with a more plausible story, one they'll all believe, like his mother got knocked up by the Holy Ghost, and once he got tortured and murdered but he came back from the dead, Like anyone's gonna believe some piece of paper with a seal on it that says he was born in Hawaii.
I'd advise against this strategy. I mean, you saw what the birthers did to THAT guy.
Then maybe he could claim his mom was knocked up when she cheated on her husband with Zeus? That guy was the last person to actually win a war in Afghanistan.
But that would make him a Jew, which probly wouldn't go over too well with those folks either.
hilarious column!
No way dude, I'm their #1 fan! I got Obama's real Kenyan birth certificate tramp stamped on my back, I go to all the concerts, I even caught herpes from Orly Taintz herself!
As long as no death certificate is found, I'm OK with Teh Crazy.
They need to get constitutional scholar/dentist/real estate agent Orly Taitz on this pronto.
Remember when the Republican Party tried to put forward a constitutional amendment to undo the Natural Born Citizen clause so they could run their greatest warrior in Ahnold? Because stuff like that didn't matter in this day in age? Which was 2005?
haha…why does remembering things always make me frustrated?
Now they hate Schwarzenegger. Go figger!
At the time they said, "Actor, California Governor, Republican…." and that's the two or three levels deep they look at issues.
OMG HE IS REAGAN!
Oh God I know. Is it possible to drown in one's own intellectual depth? I'm so afraid. Let's go get drinks and talk about it.
Obama is collecting a paycheck, yet he’s not whoring himself out for sex with any American who wants it, a clear violation of his duties
Way to raise the hopes of every woman ever, Wonkette.
At least Barry was born in a US State, John McCain was born in Panama of all places. Obama's worst influence was Elvis Presley's Clambake, Walnuts was probably running naked through the jungle with Manuel Noriega.
Well, no dinner for me tonight. Errrccchhh
Nice, the pres brooks no paycut! At least they can't starve Hopey out when they take the Senate too…
I've been looking very closely at George Washington's long form birth certificate and, I wanna tell you, I've got some problems with it. It seems as though he was born somewhere called "Virginia Colony", specifically Westmoreland County. Something stinks here.
…making rockin' Martin Van Buren the "1st True American President"…something you just don't see on our money.
Actually, I'm pretty sure Marty Van B was one of them Dutch terror-anchor babies, and therefore also not natural born, either, by birfer-logic.
Hell, the parents of the 7 or 8 presidents after him were all British subjects, just like Barack Obama Sr., so clearly they're also Kenyan Muslin terror-anchor babies, too.
How many of the "Founders" were anchor babies?
All of them, Charlie.
"He's not white so he's not our president" is the story with these people. If they would just come out and say it I'd at least respect them for thier honesty….No I wouldn't.
The Obama Agenda is to take all the money from the whites and give it to the browns. But they won't say that either.
I bet you didn't know John McCain was actually born in Panama did you, you dumb fuckers?
What is it about BUT HE'S WHITE don't you get?
If we're talking eligibility, shouldn't we mention Cindy McCain's frequent 3rd amendment remedies?
Here I thought she preferred 21st Amendment remedies.
Does the 21st mention buttloads of Oxycontin, too?
SEMPER SKEET MARINES!
OR they could just admit that they think he's ineligible because he's black (and take their white hoods out of wherever they'd hidden them).
Am I the only one who wants to push the "Hawaii is not a state" approach? I am? Screw all of you then.
No person except a natural born Citizen
Otherwise known as the Macduff Clause
McCain was from his mother's womb untimely ripp'd?!
This is good news, for Thane Macbeth.
Is he the melancholy Thane?
I want to see the birthers birth certificates!
Well, here's an interesting news bulletin for the birthers out there. When you get adopted, the state changes your birth certificate so the newly added mother and/or father takes the place of someone else. I was adopted by a stepfather about age 12 and I've held in my hands both birth certificates–before and after. The doctor's signature was the same. In fact, the only difference was the father's information. So, if I was black and President of the United States, I would be part of some sinister plot. As it is, I'm a big white guy with enough sense to understand how this shit works in the Real World.
And my birf curtificat was lost in a fire 40 something years ago; I have some mimeograph-of-a-mimeograph-of-a-mimeograph, so I too would be held in suspicion.
Really, can't they all just go away forever? Where's that god-vacuum so many of their league go on and on about? Please, won't it come and remove their stooopid from the planet so the rest of us can move forward?
Good gawd I need a drink.
The info also varies by state. My daughter's long form is very different from mine because we were born in two different states. I don't believe hers has the dr's name, and I don't think mine has my birth weight, altough I'm not positive about those. But they are different.
Oh, I have been doing just this thing!!! Finding a NEW HORIZON for us QUESTIONERS (Birthers)!!! I ask WHY Obama hasn't coughed up a Long Form, instead of WHERE he was born. Here is my latest Internet Article about it, although I did write a Birther White Paper, too:
http://squeekyfromm.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/birt...
Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter
Don't you sort of feel sorry for the workers in the Hawaii Health Department? Imagine how many calls, emails, and letters they must get from crazed birthers…enough that the State Legislature passed a law that they can legally ignore repetitive requests.
Must be hard to be on the receiving end of insanity.
As someone who has watched Sarah Palin on the teevee any number of times, I can assure you that being on the receiving end of insanity is not only not hard, it is also funny as hell.
If the state of Hawai'i had ANY sense of humor, they would print up 5 million copies of the Obama birf certifficut on high quality official looking paper and emboss each one with an official nottary public stamp and each request for a birf certificutt would be honored, provided the $47 processing fee was paid and the recipeint MUST RETURN THIS ORIGINAL, OFFICIAL DOCUMENT within 30 callendar days or face civil penalties of blah blah blah etc etc.
This joke would only be perfect if the State of Hawai'i did this and intentionally misspelled as many words on the official document as I have above.
Sarah Palin is making money off these cretins, why shouldn't Hawai'i?
I was born a poor black child.
Jerk!
The phone books are out!
No, it's not OK — you don't even know how bad you're being usurped!
But you don't understand; HE'S BLACK, BLACK, I SAY, BLACK!
Oh, I have been doing just this thing!!! Finding a NEW HORIZON for us QUESTIONERS (Birthers)!!! I ask WHY Obama hasn't coughed up a Long Form, instead of WHERE he was born. Here is my latest Internet Article about it, although I did write a Birther White Paper, too:
http://squeekyfromm.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/birt...
Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter
You know he's not white, right?
Yes, Silly! it's the "paper" that is "white" because it is a think tank thingy. It is at my other website, which one day I have to merge them both together because I am losing my mind trying to keep up with all my stuff, and Squeekonomics, too. Anyway:
http://squeeky-squeek.blogspot.com/2010/08/new-ho...
Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter
You might want to start taking that Haldol again.
I don't think it speaks snark.
You should print out your "Internet Article" and use it for target practice – God knows you could use it.
I am not that one. You can see about my name at the "About" thingy. But my Internet Articles are really good, and I am not just bragging or anything. I even have Obama's alleged First Grade Papers!
http://squeeky-squeek.blogspot.com/2010/10/obamas...
Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter
Relax, everyone. Gawker has the scoop – Obama's birth certificate has been found. Funny thing – turns out it was hidden inside Christine O'Donnell's pubes. Even she didn't know it was there!
Oh, I swear to God, these birthers annoy me so much I almost wish that when he leaves office in 2017 he says in his farewell speech, "Oh, and, btw, I was born in Kenya, suckas!
Yo, Birthers. Imma let you finish, but the Dred Scott decision was the best delegitimization of a human being, evah.
Yeah, 7 pees. That's like a record for me.
How about we look into Trig's birth certificate first?
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