the prison yard

Bristol Palin’s Facebook, Dumb Arizona Boyfriend (NOT Loughner) Revealed

Yeah, this Palin embargo thing is not going to work out.

Mercede Johnston is having some sort of Facebook fight with Bristol Palin. But more importantly, Mercede reveals Bristol’s secret Facebook account, which is under the brilliant porn name “Bristol Sheeran.” What can we see there? That kid of hers on the shoulders of some bro named “Gino.” And we Googled that (kill us!) to find out this:

Gino is described as a 20-year-old pipeline worker who splits his time between Alaska and Arizona. Gino reportedly also dabbles in real estate and helped Bristol find her new Arizona home, which is not too far from his.

Really, please kill us. [Mercede Johnston/Reality Tea]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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153 comments

  1. OvertonWindolt

    I'm commenting on a post, about a girl, who has a dumb mother and let a redneck fuck her.

    My life is horrific.

    1. CZL

      I'm replying to your comment, because I've grown tired of life and wish to fully debase myself in order to be reborn as some lower form of life.

    2. Sophist/Glock Palin

      If you want a picture of the future, imagine a hand clicking on Sarah Palin's twitter feed — forever.

    3. LionelHutzEsq

      It could be worse, you could be a girl whose mother is letting her get fucked by an redneck.

    4. miss_grundy

      Well now that she is living away from home, will she use birth control to protect herself from an unwanted pregnancy or will she, again, be pregnant at the Republican convention?????

    1. CZL

      Let me tell you a story 'bout a man named Todd.

      Poor grifter guy but he kept his family shod

      Till one day he was out porkin' some broad

      When out from her loins came a snowbilly brood

      Rednecks, that is. Huntin fools. Dancin stars.

    2. teebob2000

      Just so ya know, it's 99654. So all our messages of hope and support actually reach their destination.

      1. LibrulEleet

        On behalf of myself and 99.654% of all Americans, I can honestly say that in the year and a half since I first heard of Wasilla, I never once wondered what its ZIP Code was.

  2. horsedreamer_1

    Bris's skills at obfuscation are as advanced as her mother's.

    I'm sure we could hack either of BP's facebook profiles with the quickness.

  3. OkieDokieDog

    Joe Francis should get those 2 girls together and have some kind of cage match-jello fight. I mean if there's a girl fight happening, might as well somebody make some money from it, and with Joe at the helm, then it would end with M & B making sweet love to each other.

    I can't believe I even thought this up, much less typed it out. My life is horrific too.

    1. Barbara_i

      Sigh, long gone are the days when this fued could have been settled by a white cotton pantie tickle fight.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Girls Gone Wild meets one of those Alaska cruises that National Review has sponsored, for years (well before Sarah Palin was even on a city-council). National Journal can co-sponsor the gig. Carl Hiassen can do the long-form account of it.

  4. Mumbletypeg

    Bristol to Mercede (I think):
    "Get a life girl, you can't stalk someone and except to live their life."

    Another spelling discovery made: I'd never before noticed "except" and "expect" were anagrams of each other.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      In ten years, Mercede Johnston will be the toast of pop-literatti. Seriously. Sherman Alexie meets Candace Bushnell.

  5. Barbara_i

    I don't blame this Gino guy for being smitten. Flashback to the day Bristol first appeared on stage with that blanket sprawled across her stomach, none of the four corners quite reaching the edge of her big ass silhouette, holding baby trig like that. I knew she was pregnant right away. Baby blankets are there to blanket the baby, hence the name. Who came up with that clever "shame-poncho" camouflage idea?

    Watch out Gino! Bristol has a bad habit of proposing to men by peeing on a stick and showing them the results.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        "What's the prognosis, Fertile Myrtle? Minus or plus?"

        (No, Diablo Cody, nobody talks like this. Might be the funniest line in your Academy Award winning screenplay, though. I mean — Myrtle!)

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I suspect Gino is as one-quarter of my family, meaning there was some hanky-pank between Bristol & "The Situation". &, eh, once you go Guido…

      1. Barbara_i

        Dude, if you get an invite to the wedding, could I please be your guest? We could have a contest to see who can down the most Spam sliders. Do you have a camoflauge bowtie?

        1. horsedreamer_1

          No. But I am sure I can find some crafty sort in my city's bohemian neighbourhood with her own crafts business who can make me one.

      2. Barbara_i

        It's been 45 minutes and the post has vaporized. Forgive me if this is a repost. Horsedreamer, if you get invited to the wedding could I come as your guest? We could have a contest to see who could snarf the most Spam sliders. Do you have a camo bowtie?

  6. JadedDissonance

    Not even 24 hours. At least you tried.

    *Insert train-wreck/haiti-earthquake-special-comment-here*

  7. sarjo

    Ho ho, laying some PIPE there, Gino? Yer gonna be bragging big time, you done brought how the prize sow!

  8. Ancient_Hackery

    That name is brilliant. It's an anagram for all thse fine names:

    Baroness Hitler

    Breathless Iron

    Seborrhea Lints

    Liberates Horns

    Bleariest Shorn

    Herbalist Senor

    Blathers Nosier

    Blathers Senior

    Abhorrent Isles

    Brainless Other

    Lesbian Shorter

    Liberators Hens

    Blares Horniest

    Blasters Heroin

    Abolish Renters

    Abhor Listeners

    Brats Shoreline

    A Brothels Siren

    1. horsedreamer_1

      A Brothel's Siren — that's on the to-buy list for the first Home Depot run after Bristol's settled up in Arizona.

    2. JadedDissonance

      Bristol Sheeran should know that Heroin Blasters are also usually Shorter Lesbian(s), but their lunch-time-whistle mimics more a brothel's siren, which always blares horniest. Other (smarter) brainless collections of seborrhea lints tend to keep their brats away from shorelines. Imagine living under the rule of the iron fist of the breathless Baroness Hitler [mamagriz herself]; makes one want to abolish renters and move to Arizona. Perhaps the nosier blathers (senior and junior) of those abhorrent isles will learn to abhor their listeners, turning instead to an herbalist senor or liberators of hens for comfort.

      Let this be a lesson to them: The Bleariest are the first to be Shorn.

    3. kenlayisalive

      I cannot wait until it comes out in the enquirer about her horrible case vaginal Seborrhea Lints, or when she is caught purchasing a dimebag from her Herbalist Señor.

  9. mavenmaven

    I can't stand to hear about Palin, but this view into deep A-meth-ica is very enlightening.
    Note the clever way Bristol hid under the name "Sheeran" but the page name is "bristolsmpalin".
    What does the SM stand for? (other than what that whole clan is putting us through)?

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      According to the font of all knowledge, Wikipedia, it's her middle initials. Her full name is Bristol Sheeran Marie Palin. I'm guessing the password to her account is "Marie"

  10. Katydid

    Wow. I knew teenagers were mean, but back in my day, at least we just said this shit and it evaporated into the air. Now it lives on Facebook and on screenshots, forever and ever. Facebook is ruining American yutes.

    1. V572625694

      Are you sure it isn't just revealing their already-extant state of ruin? It's pure evil either way, though.

      1. mereoblivion

        Are you mocking me? I tell you, I cannot walk.
        You have not tried, because your faith is weaker than your legs.

  11. SorosBot

    People, you really have read the whole thing on Mercede's (sic) blog; Bristol seems to be even more of a petty, childish, vindictive redneck than ever. And apparently she did not have little Tripper because she doesn't know how to use a condom, but intentionally as part of the old time trap really stupid girls play where she thinks getting knocked up will force a guy to stay with her, not considering the lifetime consequences. I have a cousin whose high school girlfriend did that; they split up when the kid was a year and a half old, and she became a deadbeat mom.

    1. MissTaken

      Don't forget that Sarah was preggers when her and Todd eloped. Surprisingly, Levi was smart enough to not fall into the marriage trap like Todd did.

      1. SorosBot

        (3rd try now; dammit, IntenstDebate!)

        I forgot about that; the pregnancy trap must be a family tradition, like near-sociopathic self-centeredness, petty vindictiveness, famewhoring, and grifting.

        1. ChessieNefercat

          And I think I read somewhere (God forgive me for remembering) that Sarah's parents (ol' Chuck and Sally) were preggers also too when they tied the knot.

      2. mereoblivion

        Saint Ron had this number pulled on him by Nancy Davis. (Or, as Sinatra used to refer to her with great affection, "That dope with the fat ankles.")

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Does this mean Bristol is going to anchor the Lake Meade spinoff of Jersey Shore? I at least appreciate her for finding a show commensurate with her level of talent if that's the case.

    1. ifthethunderdontgetya

      Believe it or don't, I once had to travel to Page, Arizona, for work. Talk about driving hundreds of miles through nothing.

      Anywho, the damnedest thing was going through the desert with hardly a car in sight, except for the occasional pickup dragging the biggest boats you can imagine.
      ~

  13. DoktorZoom

    Wow…It's like a clan of hyena-children raised by Jerry Springer and broadcast on the "E!" network. I need alcohol.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Alcohol won't save us now. We need an air-strike. Violence/hate-speech-free air strike, of course.

  14. freakishlywrong

    Ugh. They've run out of stupid names for the next virgin child brought in to the world by exercisin' discipline and frontier ways and in Alaska and lame streams and what not. Something about bootstraps and republics. I recommend The New Out of Wedlock, Abstinence Only Baby be named "Trope"

  15. Tundra Grifter

    "Dabbles in real estate" – that phrase is a real bad sign.

    Real estate is a tough enough business for professionals who work it full time (and then some!). It is remarkably cruel to dabblers.

        1. mereoblivion

          Shux, even I do that. Can't help praising my unexpected good fortune, I reckon. Sometimes gets on the lady-in-question's nerves, though. Might have to look into shuttin' the f. up.

  16. Oblios_Cap

    Jaysus H. Christ. Those two give new meaning to the word "verbose". All that ranting sure sounds pretty urban for a couple of country-fuck methbillies.

  17. edgydrifter

    Let's not overlook the fact that Gino (at least for now) appears to be gainfully employed. If he and Bris get hitched, that will double the number of people in the extended Palin clan with actual jobs.

  18. LetUsBray

    A Palin embargo? Pls refudiate; it stabs the heart. Where'll I get my trailer trash fix now?

    Oh Palin Klan, I wish I knew how to quit you. Or you knew how to quit, period.

    EDIT: I mean, quit being lowlifes. Quitting otherwise is something they're quite good at.

  19. SheriffRoscoe

    At least Bristol has the good sense to grab the first pipe layer / real estate dabbler that comes along. That Clinton girl waited til she was practically an old maid before she got that investment banker. And because he's a Jew, Hillary will never be able to show her face in church again.

    1. OhNoGuy

      While your're a lot of fun here. I don't like you messin' with Chelsea. She's put up with more than her share of shit and done it with what I think is grace.

      She doesn't need any shit from you.

      Regards, Ohno

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        Haha I'm giving Chelsea shit for waiting until she finished her education to get married and then marrying well? Is that what you thought?

        Oh, and learn to punctuate.

        Regards, Roscoe

  20. chascates

    Both Bristol and Mercede would make fine recruits for our Middle Eastern adventures. Our maybe just lighthouse keepers. With no access to social media.

  21. chascates

    The Palin siblings' full names according to Wikipedia:

    Track Charles James
    Bristol Sheeran Marie
    Willow Bianca Faye
    Piper Indy Grace
    Trig Paxson Van

    Child abuse, pure and simple.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Also: the names are a bit boho &/or bobo, but Charles James, Sheeran Marie, Bianca Faye, Indy Grace, & even Paxson Van would be fine enough. It's the first names, in recognition of where the children were conceived (under the bleachers, on a romantic getaway weekend, in the woods, on a plane, while helping Levi Johnson with his math homework (who knew Sarah was such a scientist?)), that puts it into insufferable territory.

    2. Jerri

      Wow. Obviously, Trig wins, but with a name like Trig Paxson Van Palin, you'd think they'd have him sporting a little monocle and fancy suit, and perhaps a golden silk sash and/or powdered wig 24/7 to reflect the majesty of his name.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      So Piper's actually PIG Palin? So when she puts on lipstick, it's like putting it on a PIG?
      Maybe that explains why Sarah got so PO'D about it- she thought people were talking about her daughter and taking the spotlight away from her.

      Oh, and Paxson is for a white basketball player.

    4. Negropolis

      How very white trashy. A we get made fun of because of Avandia Lexus Jackson and DeMarquis Aquavelva Washington.

  22. bellagrazi

    You guys are pathetic. haha Bristol made $345,000 for 14 weeks work on DWTS. How much did you all make? Assuming you could tear yourself away from your computer to go to your jobs. Palin envy? Losers.

    1. Negropolis

      Bristol, that you? Bella Grazi, eh? Porn name, I take it.

      You can make all the money in the world, but you're still a whore in every sense of the word.

      1. bellagrazi

        Do you really think Bristol would waste her time reading comments by losers like you? She's got a life. And a dang good one.

  23. MiniMencken

    Gino is a good fellow and suffered enough when his family was moved to Maricopa from Bensonhurst as part of the Witness Protection Program, so youse guys knock it off, allright? And Mercede and Bristol? They're just lookin' after the family business.

  24. cheaphits

    Bristol, it seems has these "urges" and she wants to spread her wings far away from Momma Bear's traveling circus, apparently making Gino the lucky winner…at least one of them… right now anyway.

  25. marionetta

    Down Syndrome is also known as Trisomy G.

    And Palin named her child with Trisomy G "Trig"?

    That is child abuse, IMHO.

    1. OhNoGuy

      This is where spell check fails.

      Translated to English (the language we all should speak. and maybe read); "The whore. the whore!!"

      That is cheap and low down but consider the source.

  26. Gleem_McShineys

    Freunt, you can treat the symptoms but you can't ever cure the disease.

    So, yes.

    Sara Palin is blog herpes.

  27. Ancient_Hackery

    An old joke from Click-and-Clack comes to mind, the crucial line being:

    I want to be… "Sarah Pipellini"

  28. GOPCrusher

    Larry Flynt is really slipping. I would have bet good money that by now, Hustler Video Presents Nailin Paylin: The Next Generation.

  29. ttommyunger

    Can't blame the girl for appreciating a high hard one; she comes by it honestly (pun intended).

  30. WALLYPIP

    Bristol+Gino=Bristono.

    They'll conjugate, conceive and have a strapping Aryan son and name him: Bling.

  31. MinAgain

    The last thing Bristol Palin needs is another guy who indiscriminantly lays pipe.

    Also, Dumb Arizona Anything is redundant.

  32. PublicLuxury

    When will FOX interview Bristle and start giving all sorts of bad press to Mercede? Probably tomorrow at 2:00 PM. Then someone will put a target on Mercede's FB page, then somebody from North Dumbfuck Rightistan will try to kill her.

    Anyone see a pattern forming?

  33. Pragmatist2

    Why not Loughner???
    He likes guns.
    He hates Democrats.
    He uses meth.
    He's a loser.
    AND he is from a warm climate unlike that loser, what'shisname? Levi.

  34. _MISS_T_

    I'm embarrassed to say this but I knew about the Bristol Sheeran account nearly a year ago or so and actually 'friended' it to my regret.
    On my insight into BP from this escapade; well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree I'm sure you will fall off your chair to know. Not bright, not kind, but managing to ass-work herself backwards into money.
    From now on I'm trying to stay out of the heady brew that is Wasilla politics. Oh who am I kidding Immoral Minority and Mercede are my crack.

  35. Negropolis

    Mercedes is just jealous 'cause Bristol's a hard ass-worker with an Italian-sounding "pipe-laying" boyfriend.

    Wassa-come-ana-go?

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