it's morning in america

House Republicans Finally Try To Take Your Health Insurance Today

  • Ha ha remember when we all *laughed* at these signs, last year?Now that everybody has forgotten the Tucson Massacre — when was that, anyhow? — House Republicans will finally fulfill their destiny today by impotently voting to repeal Health Care Reform. At this very moment, they’re “debating” on the House floor, holding up some old Ross Perot and Tea Party charts/signs and getting ready for easy passage of the bill. Why do they hate your health insurance so much? Because they believe in FREEDOM, the Jonathan Franzen novel nobody actually read (except House Republicans, on the first day of Congress this year). And to be fiscally responsible, the GOP Congress simply needs to add another $701 billion to the deficit, by repealing Obamacare. As for the half (or more) of all Americans who have “pre-existing conditions” that would keep them from buying medical coverage under the GOP’s repeal of Health Care Reform, isn’t it also true that more than half of Americans voted for Barack Obama? Let’s see how those people like dying in a pool of their own blood/urine in the halls of an overcrowded emergency room, ha ha. (The House repeal of Health Care Reform will not actually matter at all as the Senate will not do any such thing and Obama would veto it anyway.) [USA Today/ABC News]
  • Chinese President Hu Jintao is in Washington today to survey some of his country’s corporate holdings. Hu meets with “American business leaders” to talk about whether they would enjoy being headquartered in Shanghai or being on unemployment for a couple of years in America, before their benefits run out. [Bloomberg]
  • Newt Gingrich also wants the play the fun new game, “Tell Sarah Palin to shut the fuck up.” [George Stephanopoulos]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. karen

    I should go to the House and stand there without a pad on so they can all see what happens when you have cysts on your uterus and no healthcare. Literally, a goddamn blood bath.

    1. bitchincamaro2

      The tree of capitalism must occasionally be watered with the blood of its uninsured victims. Or something.

      1. karen

        I've not had a full exam in a while, so I don't really know. All I know is my cycle varies from every 23-28 days, lasts 8-9 days, is heavier than the flow of the Amazon, and pain that just numbs the mind.

        My mom had a tumor the size of her fist (she has large hands too) dropping about 6-7 years ago, she had put it off because she couldnt afford it even WITH her insurance because she wouldnt have paid time off. Eventually it got to the point where she couldnt even urinate because it was so big, in the end a hysterectomy was all they could do, she has one ovary left. It seems to run in the family because my aunt had issues too, so I'm guessing this is the beginning for me.

        1. Barbara_i

          No woman should have to go without a gyno visit and a mamogram. This breaks my heart. I've named my cyst Nerfie. I need to make a decision about it and I keep stalling. I met with a surgeon and I didn't like him worth shit.

    2. Serolf_Divad

      John Stossel taught me that if there were a demand for affordable health insurance the Market would already have supplied it. Just like if there were demand for a reliable, usable $10.00 automobile or a .99 cent iPad, the market would have supplied it.

      If the market hasn't supplied the product it simply means there's no demand for it.

      Now please stop bothering me while I go on eBay and shop for more World of Warcraft posable action figures. There's clearly a demand for that, as evidenced by the fact that you can buy them on eBay.

      (p.s. I edited this stupid comment 10 times to fix typos. How anal retentive is that?)

          1. Gleem_McShineys

            There is quite a market for that one! Many police officers and old skool porn stars would pay big money for such a fantastic quality upper lip masculinity multiplier.

      1. SorosBot

        John Stossel taught me that people who believe the free market can actually solve society's problems are utter morons who we should never listen to.

        1. GregComlish

          Hating on John Stossel is one of the best ways to get the image of bleeding uterine cysts out of the mind. So fuck Stossel and fuck the people who watch his shitty simplistic programming. And fuck Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters too.

          (ps. sorry to hear about the health problems)

      2. HELisforHEL

        Thank you for putting it so succinctly (your anal retentiveness is appreciated!). I would love to scream this into another douchey douche's ear, Dennis Miller, who pollutes local radio with this ridiculous belief system but I turned that station off when they fired nearly the entire (local) crew in favor of shit like his show.

        I would like nothing more than to take the two of them and all the rest of their 'Free Market is God' ilk, tie them to a concrete beam and drop them into the sea.

    3. lefty74

      My prostate is the size of a grape fruit but it will not play as well as uterine cysts.
      You go girl.

      1. 4TheTurnstiles

        Ugh. I'm in the same boat, but I'm on the sports equipment scale rather than the citrus fruit measure (will I turn the corner from "size of a tennis ball" to "size of a baseball"?)

  2. V572625694

    Ha ha, "debate." As if congresscritters actually gave meaningful speeches and listened to each other with open minds, and decided the best course of action based upon the most persuasive argument supported by pertinent facts. Ha ha, "debate."

    1. gef05

      You mean as opposed to the usual fare of:

      "Nuh uh."
      "Mmm mmm."
      "Nuh uh."
      "Not listenin' LA LA LA."

      Pretty elitist of you.

  3. baconzgood

    Newt is a Wonker now? [shudder]. It's pretty bad when an imp named after an aquatic salamander tells a GOPer to shut up. Even Newt thinks she went off the deep end, and he's a real expert about going off the deep end.

    1. PsycWench

      He's only saying what 3/4 of the GOP are thinking. I'm starting to believe that this is his job description.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      I fear Palin's minions are numerous enough to overwhelm — in that a 25% take as plurality is "overwhelming" — in the GOP primary, then that her candidacy will triumph over Obama's re-election (as the mushy middlers the folks like Joe Klein & David Broder so adore decide we need to change course), but the GOP's foot-soldiers, for all the talk of the Tea Party's willfulness, will fall into line (as they always do (Bush over Mc Cain, Bush over the Field in '88, Reagan over Bush, Nixon over Romney)). So, Palin has the makings of Alan Keyes in pumps & a dress. Expect some histrionic appearances in Iowa & at candidate forums (fora?) on CNBC & FOX & TruTV, then a fade out, 'til one, final, desperate Senate run in Idaho.

  4. HedonismBot

    Thank Jesus Halliburton Christ the Tea.O.P. is here to remind me I don't deserve to be healthy. For a while there, I thought I was a human being.

    1. mereoblivion

      Oh, the H. stands for Halliburton? I thought 'twas Hallmark, 'cause Gawd cared enough to send the very best.

    2. Gleem_McShineys

      For a while there, I thought I was a human being.

      You are not nearly as equal as our new Corporamericans, what with your soft insides that are so susceptible to diseases and such. Plus, you need a lot more speech in your bank account before any lobbyists might consider your dumb cause/existence.

  5. SorosBot

    I'm still not sure what Hu Jintao is doing here; maybe a cartoon where he's turned into a racist caricature modeled after Fu Manchu even though the real man doesn't have any facial hair could explain it to me.

    1. V572625694

      I swear political cartoons were incisive and funny once. Things should've gotten better when Herblock died, but that just didn't happen.

  6. freakishlywrong

    Holy fuck. We have Republicans acting like Republicans, and the the Chinese President is in close proximity in D.C. Thank Jeebus Boner's not going to the State dinner to further shame the US of America. Republicans. How. Fucking. Embarrassing.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      It's a good thing that the Boner is not going to the Chinese dinner. He'd order sweet-and-sour pork because pork is what Republicans are all about, and because it's orange. He'd also order chop suey thinking it's authentic Chinese food. And a fortune cookie.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Maybe someone will explain to Hu Jintao that the people that run the Chinese owned House of Representatives are anti-Communists.
      Hilarity ensues as the House is served with an eviction notice.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Come on, that's not fair. There are easily even odds that Obama wouldn't veto a repeal at all, even though it's the signature bill of his first term thus far and LITERALLY pretty much thing he has to show for his first two years in office, because bipartisanship compromise.

    2. PsycWench

      I don't think they get the 2/3 majority part at all. Or maybe they think that you only vote on that legislation once and so the only people who can vote on it now are the freshmen. Seriously, they could believe that.

    3. freakishlywrong

      President is brown. And a Demonrap. Veto doesn't matter. The American People don't want health care. Get with the program, Barbara, you, and your fuzzy avatar.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        And a Demonrap.

        Obama being revealed as MF Dooom would be about the only thing that could make me vote against him for re-election.

        (I hate backpacker hip-hop (otherwise known as rap music for white people with anthropology or biochemistry degrees, who don't dance, but want to feel "with it").)

    4. Kidneys4Sale

      L'Orange had all his folk out on a smoke/lobbyist cornhole break when they read that part of the Constitution, so…ignorance is bliss, I guess?

    5. Serolf_Divad

      The GOP is fully expecting that the slew of well researched, well supported, and well reasoned (and not-at-all disingenuous) arguments that they roll out against the current Health Care Reform plan will have the effect of convincing Obama that he was wrong, and that, in fact, the working poor do deserve to die from untreated, unaffordable medical conditions.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        "…the working poor do deserve to die from untreated, unaffordable medical conditions…"

        …the working poor want to die from untreated, unaffordable medical conditions…

        If they didn't they would have made a decision as informed consumers to purchase affordable health insurance, rather than spending money on other consumer choices such as food or shelter.

        USA! USA!

    6. Gleem_McShineys

      They don't need reality; they have Tea Party Supporters!
      These miracle ragecreatures are completely sustained on Fox News factory-farmed feargression!

    7. walterhwhite

      They know the Prez will veto their stupid bill, but they haven't grasped the concept of doing something useful with their time.

    1. HedonismBot

      Throw in another tax cut designed to gut a decades-old social safety net, and you've got yourself a deal!

  7. noodlesalad

    Something tells me that we'll look back on the reading of the Constitution as one of this Congress' most productive moments – even if they left out the parts about slaves and whatnot.

    1. HedonismBot

      With the Repugs (half) in control, I'm kind of hoping for stalemate. A lack of progression is at least better than regression.

    2. Serolf_Divad

      Should a Republican member of the house rise to the podium to speak, but be suddenly overcome by the irresistible urge to sneeze, I predict that future historians will regard the sneeze that follows as the most eloquent, well reasoned and intelligent thing uttered by a Republican representative during the entire 112th congress.

  8. bigdupa

    They should change the name of HR 2 to "Dry Hump 2011." All that fapping and they are only going to get the gooey kablooey in their Dockers. Such a waste of Congressional man seed.

  9. not that Dewey

    Republican brain-death is a pre-existing condition, and should not be covered under this new Congress.

  10. Oblios_Cap

    Newt Gingrich also wants the play the fun new game

    Yes, $arah. Take advice from a WINNER! (I know, blind pig, acorn, etc.)

    The local TeaTards were on the AM news going on about how we needed to overturn Obamacare since it would not allow insurance companies to reject 300 lb. chain smoking skydivers, and that was wrong.

    Seriously. In America's Dinghus, life is often times surreal.

    1. GOPCrusher

      And two summers ago, they were all ragey about how Obamacare can not be allowed to pass because the government would take away their right to be 300 lb. chain smoking skydivers.

    1. Negropolis

      Kind of how John McCain leaves women when they show signs of aging. He dropped Sarah like she was hot.

  11. bitchincamaro2

    This repeal nonsense is a dress rehearsal for 2012 when the inmates gain control of the asylum Senate.

    1. SorosBot

      But preexisting conditions are ignored by the socialistic medicare that covers the vast majority of teabaggers and they don't want the government to take over.

  12. metamarcisf

    The house vote today will take place in conjunction with the equally urgent repeal of the special theory of relativity.

    1. V572625694

      I'm sick and tired of the so-called "law" of gravity, too. If they'd just repeal it, everybody wouldn't get so saggy.

    2. SorosBot

      Speaking of the Conservapedia relativity conspiracy theory, do you know who else believed the theory of relativity was a Jewish-Communist conspiracy, and had copies of Einstein's papers publicly burned and forced Einstein and his family to flee their home, abandoning everything they owned?

  13. DaSandman

    You know how Boner gives CPR to a constituant?

    "You better get up or you're gonna fucking die."

    I, for one, am looking forward to the new Repug "Walk it Off Sissy", health care program.

  14. MinAgain

    Next up, the House Republicans try to repeal Valentine's Day, because no one gave them candy last year.

    1. gef05

      Not yet. Interestingly, in my experience, farmyard animals *are* interested in modern medicine. Years ago in a third world country I was being put on an IV (long story) and the process was watched with great curiosity by some cows that wandered up.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Cows are nosy critters. Once while mountain biking, we pedaled past a fenced pasture. The cows saw us and skedaddled over a small hill. We stopped to rest and slowly the cows came back to see what it was they were running away from.

        1. Barbara_i

          Cows are cool animals. I still stick my head out of the car window and moo at them as I go by. They funny thing is that they don't make that much noise when they are joining you, do they? They are like Ninjas and *poof* they are right there, all of a sudden.

          1. HELisforHEL

            OMG I thought I was the only person who did that. And I'm 50.

            They really are like Ninjas! I never made the connection, but that explains EVERYTHING.

  15. The_Great_Gazoo

    Are the Republican death panels at least going to be more fun than the Democrats' death panels? Perhaps hand out lollipops?

      1. The_Great_Gazoo

        I thought socialism was when you force someone to buy something from a private business entity and then, if you don't, the government charges you a fine. My bad.

        1. Dr_Zoidberg

          Well, that's what you get when you think for yourself. As for me, I listen only to Tea Baggers and Faux News, and socialism is whatever they say it is this week.

  16. bitchincamaro2

    Against my better judgment, I scrolled down the Bloomberg page and watched the Mark Penn interview. Bad move.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Can't tell from your avatar, nor from the fact that it was Newtie, are you a gal or a guy?

  17. Dr_Zoidberg

    I love it I love it I love it! Caribou Barbie's rising star is flaming out! I know, like a bad hemorrhoid she'll never go away entirely, but I can still enjoy how irrelevant she's becoming.

      1. jim89048

        I wonder if faux noise will let her keep that sweet bedroom studio/set? Would it even be cost-effective to go back to Alaska to retrieve it?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Oh, I'm sure Bible Spice will have her writers working on some vicious retort about how she respects Newt, but he's part of the old Republiklan Blue Bloods like Babs, so he doesn't fully understand her total awesomeness.

  18. Toomush_Infer

    So Orangegrrl gets to stand behind a meaningless gesture designed to make teatards think he gives a shit about their agenda and what does he really get…?…besides the Fatboy ad on MSNBC urging this repeal which will be on every 2012 campaign ad of Fatboy's yet unnannounced opponent…trying (why I don't know) to see some Newtonian purpose to this stupidity…

  19. SorosBot

    Besides the Palin comment, the ABC news report on health care reform also quotes Newt Gingrich. This man has not been relevant for twelve fucking years; why does our media keep asking this guy for his useless, usually wrong opinions on everything?

    Hey, I'm a private citizen with my own political views too; they should keep bringing me onto the Sunday shows, since my view has the exact same relevance to national politics as the Newt.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      And you're funnier and smarter, too. No wait, that's not what the Sunday shows are looking for.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      What do you expect? DC bookers are still using rolodexes.

      Sure, their assistants have Blackberries & iphones, but those things are for surfing porn & playing Angry Birds.

  20. DashboardBuddha

    What's the over and under of these idiots actually pulling this off? I know they have a majority in the House, but will they have enough?

    1. walterhwhite

      The reports say it will pass in the House but will never be brought up in the Senate. They're just doing it to appeal to the wingnut base.

  21. FNMA

    You know, you have to feel sorry for the Capitol janitorial staff, having to mop up all the precious bodily fluids left behind by this exercise in legislative circle jerking.

  22. AKbum

    I hope every one of these cocksuckers gets cancer. Stage 4. Terminal. Just like me. Because what these assholes are proposing would literally kill me, and millions just like me. Can I charge the GOP with attempted murder?

    1. jim89048

      Then Steele would have had to change his quitting speech from "exit stage right"(at which time he exited stage left) to "exit stage 4" which doesn't have the same cache.
      Good luck to you.

  23. mereoblivion

    Plus foot binding. And instead of saying "WTF?" I could say "Hu the fuck?" all the time and people would finally catch on that I'm extra cool.

  24. SorosBot

    It can be useful though, because if anyone calls health care reform "Obamacare" then you know there opinion on it cannot be taken seriously.

  25. horsedreamer_1

    I read that Franzen. Does that make me an House GOP Freshman? If so, can I take Reid Ribble's place? I'd even be willing to relocate to the Paper Valley & smell all the sulphurous discharge.

  26. Terry

    Somewhere, Boehner is in a big chair petting a white cat and thinking that his master plan is working. Soon, the House will pass the repeal, but the Senate won't. Boehner dreams of all the speeches he'll give, tears he'll shed, and commercials they'll run that will bring the GOP back to controling the full Congress and even the White House. (insert maniacal laugh).

  27. Guppy06

    Because if there's anybody who knows how to tell selfish, whiny bitches to shut the fuck up, it's Gingrich. "'Wah, I'm dying of cancer.' It's always about you, isn't it?"

  28. Plowmon

    I don't know why they are even bothering with this, it'll never get past the Senate and the Supreme Court will gut shoot (oopsie, more with the incitement to violence) Hopeycare in the end anyway when it rules against individual mandate.

    And don't feed me salted rat dicks with negative p's, this is just the way it will be. I want single payer, not this frankensystem!

  29. edywin2

    You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will more willingly part withal: except my pre-existing conditions asshole.

  30. Redhead

    So the Republicans are grandstanding, showing off their inflated egos and their greatly-exaggerated sense of power and importance, as they try to control other people's bodies and lives because in their own inflated opinions, they think they know better than everyone else, despite the fact that this act is ultimately only an empty gesture with no real results, wasting time and only serving to make them feel better and further inflate their egos and sense of power?

    Eh, same shit, different day.

  31. teebob2000

    Aide 1: President Hu will be here soon!
    Aide 2: President who?
    Aide 1: Yes.
    Aide 2: What?
    Aide 1: No, Watt's the name of the former Interior Secretary who's a special guest of the President.
    Aide 2: I don't know, who's the former Interior Secretary?
    Aide 1: No, Hu's the Chinese president.
    Aide 2: What's his name?
    Aide 1: No, Hu.
    Aide 2: The Chinese president!

    et cetera

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I was going to say it was funnier when Letterman did that bit on TV last night, except it wasn't funny when Letterman did it. You win by default.

  32. petehammer

    I love that it is called Obamacare. Honestly. Because in 30 years, when everyone embraces it, this will just remind them of who put it into effect: a Democrat. An African-American one, at that. I wish Social Security could be called FDR Money or something and Medicare was Healthcare from the Democrats for the Olds.

    This way, the Republicans can never take credit for it because we can just say "Hmmmm… why is it called Obamacare again? Oh, right." (Just as our action in Iraq should be called GWBwar).

  33. Tommmcatt

    I thought there was a Wonkette moritorium on post concerning Sarah Palin? Or was that just that little bit of hope the scotch hasn't killed yet projecting itself on my psyche?

  34. ttommyunger

    Newtie always has an angle. What he is hoping is that by shutting up Miss "My cunt is as big as an igloo, but colder" he can further launch the singing careers of his brother and sister as her National spokespersons and main cheerleaders. (You may have caught their duet on YouTube yesterday.)It is a plan of diabolical cleverness, since his siblings are so untalented and grotesque (a family trait) it will doom Sarah's Presidential Ambitions. It will also put his two younger siblings on the road; which gives him more privacy at home to bone his younger brother, Jethro.

  35. Negropolis

    This has "legislative FAIL" written all over it. Someone should tell Grandma that the R-pubs are trying to take away her Medicare or some shit.

  36. sati_demise

    My nice Dem congresswoman had to stop having public meetings during the last election because of violence here in Arizona. Palinite hooligans.
    She was beat by a teabagging dentist.
    Looking back, that probably was a smart move on her part

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