Americans tend to assume that the president of the United States knows more about policy than the average costumed Chuck E. Cheese character, but according to huggable “pizza magnate” Herman Cain, that is not so. “I try to be nice. This president, I don’t think, can discuss any of the things that he says in speeches deeper than on the surface. I can go two and three deep on trying to help people understand where we’re coming from, because I’ve been studying these issues for years.” Years, folks. We should definitely make this guy president, because “I can go two and three deep on trying to help people understand where we’re coming from” does sound like something that really smart people would say.
Also deep:
Cain spent some more time explaining his view of the war on terror—”we’re going to be in this war forever” —and the Iraq War. “The people of Iraq, they wanted to become a democracy,” he said. “If they did not want to become a democracy, I do not think President Bush forced it upon them. Once it was clear that they wanted to become a democracy, President Bush pledged to help them do that. I know enough from the reports that I’ve read that this is something the Iraqi people wanted.”
“We want a democracy, but we don’t want the parliament to ever be able to meet or function,” the Iraqis said. “We are risking our lives saying this, but some pizza guy named Herman Cain needs to know.” [Slate]
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Two and three, what? Layers of cheese? Pepperoni's stacked on top of each other? Colorful, oil-stained, birthday-themed napkins?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1zL13LvxS8
Waaaay too easy.
That should be the first question in any Presidential debate. "How many deep can you go?" Whoever says the highest number, wins.
Or raise the bar and say "my kitchen table". Hey, it almost worked that one time!
Will "all of them" be an acceptable answer?
In what respect?
Love machine is just laying it out there, hard to get ladies with all the bizarrely stained ratsuit heads laying around his house.
Apparently the Iraqi people also wanted their country's infrastructure to lay in rubble for decades. I'm glad Bush could do that for them.
As a side benefit, their overpopulation problem has also been alleviated considerably, and Bush, bless him, threw that in as a value-added perk.
And apparently they wanted most of their educated people and anyone with two coins to rub together to haul arse out of Iraq. Who needs doctors, really?
Now you're getting to the heart of the health care debate. Americans don't need MDs either.
Genius!
Certainly not U.S. America.
Pray to make it better!
(& not in the endearing Christian Science way.)
They wanted a democracy, just not a government.
He's the president that keeps on giving!
The people in the U.S. apparently want their infrastructure to lie in rubble for decades, too. That's why the ARRA was such a downer. Thankfully, Congress managed to keep it from being too effective.
Democracy is like pizza: it's best when delivered hot.
Democracy is like delivery pizza: the driver always expects a tip.
Of course, this is cheese followed by a deeper level of pepperoni, just above the anchovies…
"Ah, but the strawberries! That's, that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with, with geometric logic, that, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist," Cain continued.
Jeebus, he's got the execubot speak down.
Next he'll be telling us to go long, use synergy, work smarter not harder, work more not less, work weekends not take'em and most of all, make sacrifices to ensure that US America makes a bigger profit than it did the same time last year.
I think most US Americans would prefer him to promise double cheese on their tax forms.
Don't forget: think outside the box and be proactive.
Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't those just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that…. I'm fired aren't I?
Next you're going to insist that when I tell my sales people to "keep their eye one the ball" and how we're "well past the 50 yard line on this project" and how this company cannot afford any more "unforced errors" it's because the closest I come to extra-curricular intellectual or cultural pursuits is when I open a beer, turn on the TV and sit down to watch a ball game.
But do you give 110% and live life to the fullest?
Isn't that the porno site where the delivery guy cuts a hole in the center of the box and replaces it with live meat….?
Speaking of porn, I believe I've watched some where they go "two or three deep."
I really hope the pizza industry and the porn industry have different meanings for this, or else I may never order another 'deep dish' or 'all-meat-marvel' ever again.
Lots of synergy and leveraging, too
He tells us these things because he's a "rock star"! And just wants us, as a country, to "move the needle". Sheesh, he probably even uses crap like Nine Doors (eneagrams) or Venn diagrams in his training programs.
At least its not Six Sigma. No one should ever arm an MBA with a black belt because he understands basic statistics.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_Sigma
Is everyone else enjoying the proud rebound of 'going forward'? It's been popping up everywhere of late and I fear 'robust' is waiting for its comeback as well.
To say nothing of "resonate." (Please!)
Lean Forward, like they do at MSNBC (Ms. Nasty BisCuits)
I was going to say "Think outside the box" but that definitely wouldn't work for pizza.
Optimize the living shit out of every fucking thing to maximize shareholder value through more matrix management!
MATRICES! MATRICES! MATRICES!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tL_6rOYOct0
…what he's really thinking when he's mumbling like Tony Robbins
This executive speaks reminds me of how I was shocked to discover that "sigma six" was actually a real thing that 30 Rock was parodying, and not just made up by Fey.
Sadly no. The spread of Six Sigma aka SS was thanks to Plutonium Jack Welch who pushed it through out the entire GE empire. The laughable thing was watching the idiots try to make everything SS (like finance) when SS was mostly for manufacturing.
When used properly it's a good tool. When used the way GE did, it becomes a giant con game and joke fodder.
My former CEO was one of Jack's SS flunkies. Problem is when you built a career on making shit up and then forced into a position where results actually matter then disaster happens.
Takes me back to the happy days of Total Quality Management, another manufacturing fad mistakenly applied where it makes no sense.
Kanban. There was a manufacturing philosophy that someone made a shit load of money selling books on.
Here is a clue why we are in such a mess with the financial industry, all of Bank of America runs on Six Sigma, even the branches. Remedial statistics with a little bit of process and reliability engineering thrown in for extra sparkles is not a way of running a sound business.
Sounds like a guy who can take the 35,000-foot view. Someone who will bring everyone together and say "What are the ideal solutions? Let's blue-sky it!"
"Proper Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance."
Can I touch base with you on this? Your list of businessspeak just hits all the low hanging fruit of jargon and I have to pushback. I blame the feedback loop, or we may just need to circle back on reenginering this moving target to find a critical path, but you are missing some red flags here. Some folks with the bandwidth to process know that for the 100lb gorilla to be actionable from a 30,00 foot perspective, we need to shift the paradigm to grasstops, and push the envelope on this front, as we move forward. So, what's my ask? Let's incentivize a way to unpack what you said and drill down to get at the jargon we are missing. We ramp-up to productize this and at the end of the day – guess what? A win-win!
Shove me in the shallow water before I get that "deep."
America needs to know: Are you what you are, or what?
Too yeah!
Screw that noise! I want a President who is not only deep dish but one with a tunnel of cheese in the crust.
And PLEASE don't omit the ranch dipping sauce.
I'd like to shake the hand of the genius who invented ranch dunking sauce. Whew, I am exhausted! I just finised my pilates class. By "pilates" I mean "big freaking stack of pancakes"
The ranch dipping sauce is in the Constitution!
Is that Amendment 2A: "The right to break wind no matter how bad it smells."
Bald shiny head dumb ass. This is what happens when you spend too much time with your head in the Vast Pizza Oven of Great Thought
Those reports he read originally spewed out of the fortune teller machine to the right of the ball pit.
Who moved my Chuck E. Cheese?
~
I'm right here, oh wait
Don't worry, I'm sure he's a One Minute Manager
That deaf, dumb, and blind kid can sure play some mean Skee-Ball.
"Skee skee skee-ball! Oh gross, that's not cheese!"
He can go "two and three deep"? He may not have my vote, but he's got my attention.
Visions of movies where a handsome young pizza delivery guy rings the door bell?
I think that's two and three inches deep.
Two in the pink and one in the marinara
Two in the pie and one in the hole.
That may be the win of the week.
Hey Cain. Does the phrase "no anchovies" mean anything to you at all?!!
You've got the wrong guy: He spells his name "Danger"!
Look at that blue horse!
Oh my god! That bowling ball!! It's my WIFE!!
Yes, you beat me to it. A +100 thumbs up for the J. Geils reference.
Also too
Fail with extra cheese.
That was just waiting to be picked, and since you were the first to notice this, you get a win. One whore-diamond for you.
"I know enough from the reports that I’ve read that this is something the Iraqi people wanted.”
Reports written by the AEI and Heritage foundation non-withstanding, I doubt seriously any endeavor that starts out with a campaign called "Shock and Awe" is really not something any sovereign people "want", pizza boy.
Hey, if it wasn't a good thing, we wouldn't have called it Operation Iraqi Freedom. Now, if the invasion had been named "Operation Imperialist Oppression," your argument might have some merit, but was it named that? No, it was not.
Also you don't roll out a new product in August fer chrissakes. Any marketing person knows this.
All you need to know about marketing…
Double Negative Alert! If you "doubt" that it's "really not something [they] want", that means you believe they want it, right?
That's four layers down, we don't go there anymore.
"I do not think President Bush forced it upon them."
We invaded Iraq. I don't believe we were invited. Stick to the cheese Cain, reality is not your forte.
Of course we were invited — by the legitimate ruler of Iraq, Ahmad Chalabi, who hadn't been there in twenty years. Or else we were invited by the guy we hanged for letting us give him the weapons to gas his own people, but that only makes sense if you go two or three deep.
I seem to recall that Mark Foley also liked going two or three deep.
Eric Massa and his tickle parties, too
"When I recieve a Congressional Report, the first thing I do is go two or three Pages deep."
So now that Mikey Moo Moo is gone, is Cain the GOP's new Urban guy?
Hm. What are these "reports" the CEO of Godfather's Pizza is reading?
I go two and three deep on my gal sometimes, but she sais it stings if we don't have sufficient amount of foreplay.
The Iraqis have got it right. No good ever came from allowing our elected representatives to meet or function.
But hey, unlike Obama this guy has run a business, which gives a person exactly no qualifications whatsoever to hold the Presidency, or any political office for that matter, but conservatives like to claim somehow is magically relevant.
Hey, Bush ran many fine businesses into the ground. That's why he was such a great prezinet and why the Iraqi people trusted him with their welfare.
He had an MBA, too, which equipped him to make profoundly sensible fiscal decisions for America's future prosperity.
Businesses aren't large, wasteful bureaucracies like, say, governments. There definitely isn't any deadwood at the top of a large corporation's org chart!
Hey now, having an MBA is very useful for getting a job where you make lots of money for screwing people over; which is exactly what Bush did to America (along with Iraq and Afghanistan), but not really want a good president does.
Yeah, a good president screws people over because he loves his work; money is secondary.
Hey, people! Zvi said Boosh was "equipped" to make profoundly sensible fiscal decisions. Now whether he made them or not is open for debate… Ha! OK, he didn't, but that doesn't mean he wasn't equipped to make them.
Godfather's isn't exactly the best home delivery pizza either. They do a darn fine job of appropriating a bad ethnic stereotype, though. The same conglomerate probably sells Paddy O'herlihan's Leprechaun Ale and Wong Fu's Gourmet Chop Suey.
Don't forget Mammy's Chitlins and Colored Greens.
That's "collard" greens, Michael
That doesn't make sense. You don't call them "collard people"… that's offensive.
And, of course, Juan's Tijuana Tacos and Enchiladas.
Hershel Jewstein's Kosher Blood Libel Moose Latkas never took off, due to copyrights.
Those horse shows definitely provided Brownie with the right skills to run FEMA. You're just jealous of their success.
This is the "White Flour" candidate, yes?
I'd also like to point out that going three deep won't do anyone any good. Just ask Brett Favre's wife.
I do find it amusing how so much of the media was shocked – SHOCKED! – to find out Favre was trying to cheat on his wife (and therefore probably has), just like with Tiger Woods. Everybody should have already known he was a cheater, because he was a professional athlete. If a professional athlete is married, everyone should assume that they cheat.
It's like the uproar that's greated every revelation of steroid abuse, when there is not one single major league baseball player who has not used them; in fact, it would be impossible to make it out of the minors without using them.
Hate to break it to you, Herman, but after 8 years (yes, I'm being optimistic) of a colored man as president, America just doesn't have it in her to elect another one for about 50 years or so.
Yes, we Cain!
I wouldn't be so sure about that. Time is not on white folks' side in this country.
Someone needs to shove this guy into the "Ball Pit."
HA! Balls Deep.
The "Ball Pit" threw him back.
…“If they did not want to become a democracy, I do not think President Bush forced it upon them. Once it was clear that they wanted to become a democracy, President Bush pledged to help them do that. I know enough from the reports that I’ve read that this is something the Iraqi people wanted.”
WoW, that is reasoning that any college frat boy with a blood alcohol level of .18 and fist full of Ruffies could understand! I can see it now…"your honor, I didn't rape her! I just liberated her from her virginity!"
Repeal Big Hymen!
As long as she still has the box it came in, what's she complaining about?
If Bush conquered Iraq because the people asked him into a democracy, why didn't he mention that before the invasion, instead of lying to us about non-existent weapons of mass destruction and connections between Saddam and Al-Queada?
We can't handle the truth.
Oh, those things can easily be explained by accusing you of wanting to help the terrorists win.
This from a guy that sells hands down the shittiest pizza in an ambiance of portly prepubescents hopped up on sugar, jamming quarters in out dated video games and playing skee ball for plastic crap? Yes for some reason I think his eatery is more like America than Mikey D's.
Now I've never had Godfather's pizza, or even heard of it outside of stories on this guy; I guess it must just be a regional chain; but I find it hard to believe that any other pizza chain could possibly be shittier than Domino's.
When I lived in Japan, I was surprised to learn that the least awful pizza was from Pizza Hut (there is no such thing as good pizza in Japan). Tuna and mayo on that?
I find it hard to believe that any other pizza chain could possibly be shittier than Domino's
Believe it. Baconzgood speaks the truth.
"You think pizza was supposed to be tasty? Well, we here at Godfathers haven't lost the can-do spirit that made this country what it is, and if you want some seriously shitty pizza, come on down to Godfathers. We've got what you need, if what you need is a shitty meal in a shitty atmosphere."
2 or 3 deep? I got girls in the truck about 6 chicks deep, and you know when we're rollin' that it's straight sex-y.
Girl, I wanna party with you.
I'd like a large deep-dish platitude to go, with extra condescension.
He can go two or three deep…
Watch out, Herman, they will flood your zone with ignorance.
He's definitely going into multiple layers here, and it's getting very deep. One might even suggest that he could use a shovel.
I prefer three-deep pizza to the two-deep pie.
Shock!
When the likes of New Gingrich tell you to "slow down" and to think before speaking, you're in deep shit. That, or Newt is stunningly unaware of his own record. Or both.
"Here's a black guy," Kemp told reporter Ceci Connolly after he was nominated for vice president in 1996, "who stands up with the voice of Othello, the looks of a football player, the English of Oxfordian quality and the courage of a lion."
So that was the pre Harry Reid, "light-skinned with no Negro dialect" dribble.
this is great news for cain.
Also, I seem to remember getting lots of commercials streaming over the border for frozen pizzas from McCains….coincidence?
This Pizza Man will truly test the limits of Barry's "Chicago-style" politics.
If they did not want to become a democracy, I do not think President Bush forced it upon them.
Except that invading their country gave the Bushies access to, you know, the oil and stuff that they've been grabbing up.
In fact the A-rabs should be so thankful that we stopped Saddam from stealing their oil that they should just give it all to us out of sheer gratitude.
He's a living example of Republican hypocrisy, especially when it comes to health care. Having survived stage 4 cancer thanks to his access to modern medicine, it's one of his many GOP sanctioned missions to make health care as inaccessible to as many Americans as possible. Fuck you hard, Hermie. Fist deep.
Whereupon the phrase "deep dish democracy" enters civil public discourse….
Sounds so tempting, but I'm confused. Is that the one with lots of different flavors blended just so to appeal to a broad range of Americans hungry for a society that nourishes all? Or the one with layer after scrumptious layer of savory bubbling bullshit that the GOP (gluttons on parade) proudly serves to all who can pay for the buffet? Maybe both?
Meat-lovers' caucus?
Once upon a time I took my nieces to Chuck E. Cheese a couple of times a year. The number of games and "rides" that were inoperable during any of these visits do not bode well for the competency of anything related to this chain.
The one in Silver Spring had a carpet in the food area that squished because there was so much soda in it. Who puts a carpet in the eating area of a kids' restaurant!!!!!
"I can go two and three deep on trying to help people understand where we’re coming from"
Because CEO's don't make obscene corporate profits without practicing their song-and-dance telling the proles why they need so many zeros on their paychecks.
I wonder if his pizza crust is "hand tossed". Because his ideology sure as hell is.
Also, it would take a Democracy to know one. Wake me up when Iraq becomes the right wing Oligarchy we're becoming.
I'm looking forward to Mr. Cain debating Mitt Romney because official Mormon theology says that black people are black because they're the descendants of Cain, and that was the mark God made as punishment.
Bush's MBA clearly allowed him to think in Power Point. Bullet points 2 and 3 deep.
He seems angry.
Pizza Logic: kind of like Pretzel Logic only cheesier.
Still not seeing why I should care about this guy and what he thinks…..?
Why do I always think of Uncle Ruckus when I see a black republican?
Meg McCabe.
The Founding Teabaggers, in their wisdom, stipulated that a president must be 35 years old. She won't hit that until 2020.
Millions of people wanted to be displaced, both inside and outside of Iraq; I knew this because they were dressed provocatively.
I guess his analysis — "Iraq wanted democracy" — is what passes for "deep" in Repubican circles. Personally, I'd have thrown in a little Shi'ite, Sunni internal tensions coupled with Iranian influence as key factors in Iraqi politics.
Now watch this drive.
This guy impresses me in two ways, I would take bets he will either:
1. Delivering pizzas or,
2. Showing up in Congress with an Uzi to make his point to those who won't listen to him.
A future president in the making. 2012 lookout.
Not just three deep…..knee deep perhaps? Which would make it One Nation Under A Groove…..Parliment playing at his inauguration…ok im in..where do i sign up?
Cain, of The Pizza Crust Is Too Damn Thick party.
So many things wrong with this. Where the fuck to start?
How about, we went into Iraq to find fictitious WMDs which were supposedly threatening American lives, remember that, fuckwit? Not to bring democracy to the Iraqi people who were craving it.
Hello, Village, we've found your idiot. Please take him back before he swallows his tongue or pokes his eyes out with a scissors.
“The people of Iraq, they wanted to become a democracy,”
Really? Did his fucking cheese mouse tell him that? I have an Iraqi friend who was blown up (twice) and shot (once) helping the U.S. and she told me all they wanted was some fucking peace and quiet and good old Georgie brought them just the opposite of that. Maybe Mr. Cain's brain has been mushified by too many ringing fucking bells and whistles and too much bad bad pizza….you think?
This guy and Tom Monaghan need to start their own country and leave ours alone.
Have any of you ever seen Michael Steele, Alan Keyes, and Allen West in the same room together?
You have now.
(Also, should you run out of pizza jokes, please keep in mind that Herman Cain was a loyal subject of Burger King prior to making his bones at Godfather's.)
That sounds like a Whopper to me.
2 or 3 deep? I would have thought that, as a Republican politician, he would be used to going six or seven deep.
There are way too many pizza references in these comments already, but when I read the article, I must confess, my first reaction was "Cheesus Crust".
If they did not want to become a democracy, I do not think President Bush forced it upon them.
Iraq was totally asking for it, the way it was walking around in that short skirt, doing shots with all the Pikas…
"We discovered that what our loyal customers wanted most was a consistent original crust with their choice of ten different toppings made to order"
See? FREEDOM! This is exactly like the Iraqis.
"So we eliminated the other crusts and concentrated on original product!"
See? FOUNDING FATHERS! I don't need to say any more here.
You need more layers than that!?
"I can recite the opening words of the Declaration of Independence by memory, I didn't need a teleprompter to do it!" LOOK OUT OBAMA!
Xtine O'Donnell.
Yeah, the people want another bush in the white house!
But can he discuss the two and three-deep rosters of the teams left in the playoffs?
Ah. This poor man is the product of a failed education system. He may be 2 or 3 layers deep but he apparently is unaware that the truth actually and ALWAYS is 4.6 layers deep. So he has some digging to go yet.
First of all, ANY person of color who aligns himself with America's Right is either a sellout or a moron. Second, this asshole sold a shitload of pizza and got rich; then he went to Pillsbury or somewhere like that as Vice President in Charge of Staplers. Now, apparently after a big breakfast and an exceptionally satisfying blowjob, he sees himself as the President of the Fucking US of A. Would that he were the Nominee; from what I've heard from him so far, his brain-droppings would be hilariously stupid. Bring it, numbnuts!
I always figured when they called the Republican/conservative party the "stupid party" it was just some sort of good-natured liberal teasing. But, uh, no
If Cain goes two or three deep, Barry can gash him with the running game. If the Cainster puts eight in the box, Barry's receivers can burn him deep. Pick your poison, Hermie!(Sports cliche # 43.) Of course, my Bears will still lose to the Pack this weekend.
Sorry. Slipped on a patch of cognitive ice. Won't happen again.
Cool — I'm a pizza magnet too!
Now this is an uppity negro.
Conservatives blacks loathe like nobody's business that a black Democrat was elected president before one of them. They always believed (and so did most Americans, I'd assume) that they'd be the first. They hate Obama with the same level of passion as white racists. This Cain dude is pissed knowing that if Obama wasn't in office, not one damn person would be listening to his jealous ass. Your 15 seconds is up, douchebag.
Ladies & Gentlemen, our 45th President, Rick Scott!
All muslins are not the same? That was at least 1 deep. Who knew?
Why not an Oreo Pie?
I gave 110%, then I lost my job to a guy who gave 115% and now I live in a box under a bridge.
this guy is definitely a "value-add."
And that guy, in the Maytag carton to your left, lost out to somebody in Indonesia who gives 120% at 20% of the pay.
I think the appropriate term is 'multiracial.'
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