PALINSONG  5:56 pm January 18, 2011

Another Patriotic Song For Sarah Palin (By the Wonkbot TSA-1138)

by Ken Layne

And I'd gladly stand up, next to her, and defend her still today, there ain't no doubt i want to bang sarah palinnnnn, etc.Did you love those creepy old people just cold doin’ Kountry Karaoke in the metal-building church with super-fine new lyrics all about how Sarah Palin has the hottest ass in the Grandma Department? Yah bay-bay us 2, also Wonkbot got its sex on & dropped this summer jam about how she want to get with Sarah, oh lawd, and her daughter, think her name is Bristol.


Sorry.

PS: Oh here’s the dance mix you people requested:

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 130 comments }

DoktorZoom January 18, 2011 at 6:00 pm

That very definitely…uh… rhymed.

Sophist/Glock Palin January 19, 2011 at 1:17 am

And the lyrics were really, um…made up of words. Real ones, too.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 18, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I knew that our Wonkette could not leave this taint alone.

i can never quit you, Wonkette…
~

Barrelhse January 18, 2011 at 6:20 pm

…but i'm gonna put you down for a while..

genxr January 18, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Please someone put me down, before I see another one of these!

Surveyor's symbol. My forehead. Right here.

LakeLucilleLoon January 18, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Yay, more Taint!

sarjo January 18, 2011 at 6:02 pm

A star is born. Please no more!

lochnessmonster January 18, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Now this is why you get paid the big bucks, right?

Crank_Tango January 18, 2011 at 6:03 pm

well wonkbot, that was aite dog, just a little pitchy.

jus_wonderin January 18, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Awesome.

GuanoFaucet January 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Needs more cowbell.

the_problem_child January 18, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Needs more Casio.

the_problem_child January 18, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Fuck it, I'm replying again, since the IDbot ate my comment:
Needs more Casio.

jim89048 January 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

But nobody can complain about it needing more autotune!

bodiep January 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Oh, to be that gifted! This was lovely, absolutely lovely. I'm going to play it for my kid. We'll memorize it, and sing it loudly as we drive through our (very Red) town with our car windows down. We live a small life.

gef05 January 18, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Which one is Palin?

chickensmack January 18, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Frankly, I keep hearing people say "Jesus Also Christ! Why can't we stop hearing about Michelle and Sarah and Christine all the goddamn time?!", when in reality, I miss talking about Christine's landing strip, sometimes. Also.

Crank_Tango January 18, 2011 at 6:11 pm

from what I gather, christine's private area is more like a thicket, a dense, overgrown thicket that reeks of the ocean, yet is miles from the shore. Like some sort of tidal estuary, tide goes in, tide goes out, you can't explain it…

chickensmack January 18, 2011 at 6:24 pm

…but I bet Sarah Palin can see it from her house!

Crank_Tango January 18, 2011 at 6:27 pm

true. and mccain could certainly crash a plane into it, so I guess that's good news..

genxr January 18, 2011 at 6:48 pm

They don't call 'em bush pilots for nuthin!

imissopus January 18, 2011 at 7:03 pm

The only wetlands in America not threatened by commercial development.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 18, 2011 at 6:08 pm

On January 18, 2011, Wonkbot became fully aware…
~

Rarian Rakista January 18, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I'm a roboticist, I think we need to attach the brain to a Russian riding lawnmower.

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 1:59 am

Nevah Fahgit!

Oblios_Cap January 19, 2011 at 9:16 am

It's looking more and more like the Mayans had that " world ending in 2012" stuff right!

the_problem_child January 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

The Wonk-bot: Coming soon to a discotheque near you.

DoktorZoom January 18, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Wonkbot TSA-1138's been to paradise, but Wonkbot TSA-1138's never been to Wonkbot TSA-1138.

Buckminster January 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

"Fail with extra cheese" would be a perfectly cromulent name for a rock band.

genxr January 18, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Way to embiggen the discourse.

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 6:37 am

Wow, didn't see you post. *shaking fist at IntenseDatabase*

Great minds think alike, I guess. ;)

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 2:00 am

It also embiggens my understanding of the concept of failure. And, extra cheese. Also. Tambien.

SexySmurf January 18, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Auto-tune it a little bit, have Bruno Mars or Haley Williams throw down a hook and it'll be the next smash hit club banger.

Fare la Volpe January 18, 2011 at 6:11 pm

It's got a good beat, and I can dance to it.

sati_demise January 18, 2011 at 6:17 pm

That performance brought me to tears.

__kth__ January 18, 2011 at 6:19 pm

thinkin of 'em's working up an appetite…

jqheywood January 18, 2011 at 7:21 pm

…gonna find a little afternoon delight????

Radiotherapy January 18, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Wonkbot TSA-1138 does it acapellin'.

coolhandnuke January 18, 2011 at 6:19 pm

She used to play lead triangle in my band 8-Track Minds.

BarackMyWorld January 18, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Oh god…laughing….too….hard….can't….breathe….so funny….losing….consciousness…passing out….tell….daughter I….love…her…

Barrelhse January 18, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Will Barry White cover it?

CalamityJames January 18, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Probably not. He's dead. Awww, now I has a sad.

V572625694 January 18, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Maybe Van Morrison.

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 2:01 am

Unless you can exhume his body, and transplant his vocal chords into a 20-something R&B singer.

SayItWithWookies January 18, 2011 at 6:23 pm

That little lobotomized doorstop is a talentless hack. But I like Wonkbot's song about her.

Crank_Tango January 18, 2011 at 6:49 pm

well, I've been waiting to use the term "blood lobotomy" for about a week now, so here goes:

Blood lobotomy!

too soon?

__kth__ January 18, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Oh, and fun fact about the aluminum-barn churches: in some locales, supposedly the regs that require a buffer zone between the church and the tat parlors, liquor stores, speakeasies, porno shops (i.e., purveyors of necessities) still count if the church-barn is built after the tat-parlor/porno-shop. So they try to build a lot of them, to carve out more sin-free territory. That's what I heard, anyway.

4TheTurnstiles January 18, 2011 at 6:44 pm

This explains Branson, MO.

V572625694 January 18, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Nothing explains Branson, MO.

Terry January 19, 2011 at 6:25 am

Well, I kinda get Branson from the perspective of the entertainer. Say you're a singer, you're getting old and traveling around to earn a buck is getting increasingly difficult. These guys have found a way to get their fan base, also mostly old folks, to come to THEM. The singer can stay home, golf, putter around the house, whatever, then drive to the theater once a day and make more than he or she was making on the road. Old singer nirvana. You just have to make sure that Old Kountry Buffet and similar smorgasboard places open near your theater.

V572625694 January 19, 2011 at 9:49 am

Shoji Tabuchi rulez! And (if still alive) Andy Williams!

Crank_Tango January 18, 2011 at 6:50 pm

so much for deregulation. sounds like that shit hurts small businesses, too.

CalamityJames January 18, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Damn, P Diddy Puffenstein's production skillz have simply disappeared after that whole Joaquin Phoenix debacle.

MinAgain January 18, 2011 at 6:39 pm

**wipes away a tear** It's almost as moving as the premiere of Stravinsky's "The Rite of Spring" in Paris in 1913.

People just don't riot like that anymore.

crybabyboehner January 18, 2011 at 6:39 pm

It is the dawning of the Age of Civility,
Age of Civility! (need to show some nips here gals)
C-I-V-I-L-I-T-Y!
Civil, it, eeeeeee!

DonnyKerabotsos January 18, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Well, it official. We're through the Looking Glass now…

weejee January 18, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Move over Aerosmith hazbin, Wonkbot TSA-1138 for 'Murican Idol judge.

Maman January 18, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Shouldn't it be "Kuntry" Karaoke?

Radiotherapy January 18, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Wonkbot TSA-1138 is the best money our clueless, ill-founded, bureaucratic Homeland Security Agency ever spent. To sing the body politic that is the terror of our society, i.e. the Alaskunt, well, it almost makes it all worthwhile.

EdFlintstone January 18, 2011 at 6:49 pm

I'm starting to understand why they called purchasing Alaska "Seward's Folly".

Bluestatelibel January 18, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Wonkbot has me all choked up…so moving…

Fox n Fiends January 18, 2011 at 6:55 pm

BULLSEYE!!!!!!

HolyMaracas January 18, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Love you Wonkbot, but I just can't handle any more Sarah posts this week. At this point, I seriously have more respect for any woman that sucks dick for living than for this opportunistic media-whore.

emmelemm January 18, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Most women who suck dick for a living don't get paid if they quit halfway through.

Just sayin'.

Radiotherapy January 18, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Half ho's are no goes.

HolyMaracas January 18, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Unless they quit to go get Teabagged by a higher bidder, then it would make sense.

emmelemm January 18, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Perfect. (That's what she did, isn't it?)

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 6:53 am

Wait, they can do that? What is this? A cock-sucking auction?

Terry January 19, 2011 at 6:27 am

56% of Americans agree with you.
http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/01/19/c

Palin moratorium, please!

mrblifil January 19, 2011 at 9:11 am

Actually women who suck dick for any reason set the needle of my Respect-o-meter to "Vajazzle." If they're getting paid for it, well that's just good ol' entrepreneurial Darwinism in action.

TanzbodenKoenig January 18, 2011 at 7:01 pm

That'll do Wonkbot… <slow clap>

Ken Layne January 18, 2011 at 7:13 pm

You're quoting Babe? And a golf clap to you, too.

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 2:11 am

That Sarah Palin is some Babe (pig). With lipstick, even.

Wait, or is she a Michael Vick pitbull?

mavenmaven January 18, 2011 at 7:04 pm

There must be some other news worth covering, no? Tunisia, Italy (come on, that's a great scandal, whoring with minors), anything but this damn Palin?

Ken Layne January 18, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Don't be needy.

mavenmaven January 18, 2011 at 8:17 pm

OK, just don't turn into this, from all the obsessive palinizing: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/17/e

starfanglednut January 18, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Don't be gready.

imissopus January 18, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Old Faithful just blew a gusher, if you know what I mean…

Guppy06 January 18, 2011 at 7:13 pm

John Roll's body lies a-moldering in the grave!

SteelMan January 18, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Funny how obsessed you people are with Sarah Palin. You claim she's an idiot that would never be elected president yet you waste so much time and energy going after her. The Alinsky handbook for liberals must be in play.

tribbzthesquidz January 18, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Tax the FUCK out of the churches! Thank you Jesus. Amen. Humnumsheebah. Assamakolamaokiefenokie. (That's speaking in tongues btw)

V572625694 January 18, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Step away from whatever evil software you used on that, Ken and Wonkbot-1138. Nothing good can come of this.

JackObin January 18, 2011 at 7:25 pm

And I thought this dreary nation lacked sophistication. The Billie Holiday of the Fox News afficionado.

PublicLuxury January 18, 2011 at 7:51 pm

The Wonkbot-1138 scared my cat. She's under the bed!

bflrtsplk January 18, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Our cats talk back to the Wonkbot. When he (she, it) goes "Blood libel," they go "What?" or something like that.

Radiotherapy January 18, 2011 at 8:18 pm

They were probably just scared of the background image. Cats love robots.

Rotundo_ January 18, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Now every time I go to a graduation and hear "Pomp and Circumstance" this little earworm will be playing. Fail with extra cheese will be a good line for the occasion too, also. Wonkbot just keeps hitting them out of the park!

real_dc_native January 18, 2011 at 7:55 pm

I'm thinking that if there was a robot version of the Department of Homeland Security it would be like the robot on the old Lost in Space TV series. It would flail around swinging its arms spasmodically yelling "Terror America, Terror!" They we the Lost in Space robot use to yell "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

PublicLuxury January 18, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Sarah will now have to go one Hannity (again), Beck and Bill'os shows to refudiate the Wonkbot-1138 for picking on her.

Tundra Grifter January 18, 2011 at 8:00 pm

"She got a daughter, her name is Bristol.
Folks say she's hotter than a two dollar pistol."

&c.

bflrtsplk January 18, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Do she tawk as good as she sangs? Yee haw!

Mindblank January 18, 2011 at 8:18 pm

You certainly can't describe that from just one viewing, and I refuse to watch it even that much.

fuflans January 18, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Wonkbot TSA-1138's simple lyrics and stunted form mask a poetic reflection on American patriotism, consumerism, media culture and, of course, cheese.

HurricaneAli January 18, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Don't go showing off your critical thinking skills round here, you high-falutin liberal arts major!

ShaveTheWhales January 18, 2011 at 8:35 pm

A satiric vet mix?

BklynIlluminati January 18, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Wonkbot imma gonna let you finish but Kanye remixed it better

Beanball January 18, 2011 at 8:42 pm

There's a joke in there about government cheese, but I'll be danged if I can figure it out.

Mahousu January 18, 2011 at 8:46 pm

I couldn't get the sound to work, so I have to guess at the tune. "On top of Old Smokey" fits, so I'm going to go with that. Close?

Troubledog January 18, 2011 at 8:57 pm

http://www.cduniverse.com/productinfo.asp?pid=792

My name is Thomas Dempsey bon 8-21-41 in bristol tenn. I retired from the post office in 2004 and took writing gospel songs as a hobby. In 2006 I had to put this cd on hold because it got too expensive. Six months ago I went back to work to complete this cd, and in the process met two of the most talented people I've ever met in my life. Gary Mcvay & Kristen Leigh. I have been so Blessed with my family and friends.

BarackMyWorld January 18, 2011 at 10:21 pm

I know people born in 1941 aren't technically baby boomers, but I'll add this to the list of things I mention whenever someone in that age group bitches about how young people have no respect for anything.

Troubledog January 18, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Or shifting into Beck mode:
"It's obvious to anyone what's going on here. Bristol is clearly a reference to Governor Palin's daughter, and an attack on her could bring down this republic. So be sure to call my security guy, he's the best. Meanwhile, "Gary" and "Mcvay" are obviously references to Gary Gilmore and Timothy Mcveigh, they are calling for a revolution, but the REAL damning evidence, and THIS is the part you are an IDIOT if you don't see — folks, this is what they are hiding from you, they do NOT want you to know this part. Right after a message from Goldline – in an uncertain future, what's safer than gold?"

Barbara_i January 19, 2011 at 1:06 am

He retired from the post office and he doesn't have money? Where the hell else is he going to make serious money with the skill of um, walking. You just have to be able to walk to work for the post office! He probably used to take whole rolls of Marilyn Monroe commemorative stamps and lick them on his lunch break so that he would know what it felt like to be a Kennedy.

Troubledog January 19, 2011 at 1:11 am

take whole rolls of Marilyn Monroe commemorative stamps and lick them on his lunch break so that he would know what it felt like to be a Kennedy

pure comedy gold

Barbara_i January 19, 2011 at 2:43 am

Thanks!

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 6:44 am

Hey, now. I have a family friend who worked over 20 years for the USPS doing special delivery, and along with having to know how to walk, she had to be able to avoid aggressive dogs and creepy and/or eccentric homeowners. Fortunately, she didn't have to deal with the weather like so many of the others have to do living in the desert Southwest (Satan's Waiting Room). That said, there is definitely a difference in culture between those that work in the mailroom and those that work delivery.

He probably used to take whole rolls of Marilyn Monroe commemorative stamps and lick them on his lunch break so that he would know what it felt like to be a Kennedy.

Excellent. Marilyn probably even tasted like the stamps considering how many chemicals were in here bloodstream at any given time of the day.

zhubajie January 18, 2011 at 8:59 pm

"Them big fat fatties are back in style again."

Barbara_i January 19, 2011 at 12:59 am

Fat bottomed girls will be riding today……

salt_bagel January 18, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Aphex Twin totally just came over a song about Sarah Palin. If you had a prop bet on that, you are either wise or an alien.

HurricaneAli January 18, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Finally, an autotune I can get behind.

assistantatlas January 18, 2011 at 9:29 pm

If that is a dance mix, then perhaps I've been confused about the whole concept of "dancing."

Troubledog January 18, 2011 at 10:18 pm

You know on the remix you finally got around to dropping a beat at 1:30 or so, I really felt like you'd just been toying with me until then.

BarackMyWorld January 18, 2011 at 10:25 pm

This is my 666th Intense Debate post. Boo-yah!

BarackMyWorld January 18, 2011 at 11:18 pm

“I think that she has got to slow down and be more careful and think through what she’s saying and how she’s saying it.”
-Newt Gingrich on Sarah Palin

"Maybe Mel Gibson should tone it down a little."
-A. Hitler

Jukesgrrl January 19, 2011 at 12:11 am

I didn't think anything could be more annoying that SNL's Garth and Cat, but I've been schooled.

Barbara_i January 19, 2011 at 12:27 am

Thanks Wonkbot! You didn't cover up the gal who is singing. She spent a great deal of time at the Big and Tall Whorestore, picking out those snazzy clothes. It reminded me to pull the groady looking romain lettuce out of the crisper drawer before it turned into something that smells like the lining of my granmother's purse.

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 1:50 am

Fail with extra cheese, indeed. Truer words have never been spoken.

As for the remix, needz moar acid, nao. I felt like a nauseous sparrow barreling through infinity towards eternal transcendence. Also.

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 2:20 am

Her wordsalads bring all the boys to the yard,
and she's like "they're better than yours."
Damn right, they're better than yours.
She can teach you,
But, she's gonna charge.

Barbara_i January 19, 2011 at 3:02 am

She's aware of the constitution law,
bitchin' at the lecturn with a bendy straw.
fat ladies on scooters are gonna be fleeced,
Can't wait for those e-mail to be released.

Seriously, Negropolis. The hold on releasing her offical email has been longer than her term in office. I want to read her syphilitic ramblings to Tawd. I want to clear my mind and get into her empty head and live la vida loca as Sarah Palin. I'm willing to wager that she knows bullets, inside and out and yet, doesn't use a single bulletpoint in her e-mail. It's going to be like waking up from a three year coma and having stacks of the National Enquirer by your hospital bedside to read.

Negropolis January 19, 2011 at 6:49 am

I want to clear my mind and get into her empty head and live la vida loca as Sarah Palin.

I'm kind of scared of that kind of astral projection. Once I get in that head, I'm afraid there may be no way out. Ignorance is only bliss if you didn't know better before. It'd be like getting stuck in one of those scary "funhouses" but being cognizant of the real world outside of it. Sarah actually enjoys that freak-show in her brown because she's never allowed herself to believe that anything really exists beyond it, poor fool.

Pragmatist2 January 19, 2011 at 8:31 am

Um. Well. Look, let's just say Wonkbot could use a bit of togh love from Simon Cowell.

baconzgood January 19, 2011 at 8:46 am

For some reason I can only Lambada to this.

G. Friday January 19, 2011 at 8:54 am

Did you know those lyrics match the tune of On Top of Old Smokey as well? Didja? Didja?

Oblios_Cap January 19, 2011 at 9:18 am

Wonkbot gots too many teeth to be singing paeans to Mooseilini.

megax5000 January 19, 2011 at 9:22 am

Good god, some people are frightening. Still, Palin provides the funnies:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgP6q6__Deo&fe

J Rbt. Oppenheiner January 19, 2011 at 9:39 am

I've oft wondered if the founders came back in 2011 and could only access Wonkette.com, what would they make of the state of the nation they created?

Buckminster January 19, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I think the summer jam gave me epilepsy.

Nopantsmcgee January 19, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Mr Layne. Stop upsetting Mr Steuf please. The last time a "tip" was sent in to Wonkette about this horror-fest we got our weenies wacked for…. sending in tips to the tip line? I dunno. Ask Jack.

"via EVERYONE PLEASE SHUT UP ABOUT IT, JESUS CHRIST]"

dyedwool January 19, 2011 at 9:03 pm

So. Odds-on favorite for first recording artist* to sample this gem in their next offering?

1. Vanilla Ice
2. Sean "P Diddy" Combs
3. Milli Vanilli
4. MoveOn.org
5. All other sane people

*Recording artist, as used in this context, can loosely be translated to mean: a person or group who does now or used to record music, or anyone else who has NEVER recorded music but may have a vested interest in seeing that the Shrillbilly from AK NEVER makes it to the White House thankyouverymuch.

cheaphits January 20, 2011 at 7:33 am

I dunno, there are some things I just don't "get". It's probably due to my being naive, young and inexperienced.

Negropolis January 20, 2011 at 12:23 am

Us kids use our cellphone screens, these days. It has the added benefit of not potentially burning the place down.

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