Another Patriotic Song For Sarah Palin (By the Wonkbot TSA-1138)

And I'd gladly stand up, next to her, and defend her still today, there ain't no doubt i want to bang sarah palinnnnn, etc.Did you love those creepy old people just cold doin’ Kountry Karaoke in the metal-building church with super-fine new lyrics all about how Sarah Palin has the hottest ass in the Grandma Department? Yah bay-bay us 2, also Wonkbot got its sex on & dropped this summer jam about how she want to get with Sarah, oh lawd, and her daughter, think her name is Bristol.


PS: Oh here’s the dance mix you people requested:

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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Hola wonkerados.

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      1. genxr

        Please someone put me down, before I see another one of these!

        Surveyor's symbol. My forehead. Right here.

  1. bodiep

    Oh, to be that gifted! This was lovely, absolutely lovely. I'm going to play it for my kid. We'll memorize it, and sing it loudly as we drive through our (very Red) town with our car windows down. We live a small life.

  2. chickensmack

    Frankly, I keep hearing people say "Jesus Also Christ! Why can't we stop hearing about Michelle and Sarah and Christine all the goddamn time?!", when in reality, I miss talking about Christine's landing strip, sometimes. Also.

    1. Crank_Tango

      from what I gather, christine's private area is more like a thicket, a dense, overgrown thicket that reeks of the ocean, yet is miles from the shore. Like some sort of tidal estuary, tide goes in, tide goes out, you can't explain it…

      1. Negropolis

        Wow, didn't see you post. *shaking fist at IntenseDatabase*

        Great minds think alike, I guess. ;)

    1. Negropolis

      It also embiggens my understanding of the concept of failure. And, extra cheese. Also. Tambien.

  3. SexySmurf

    Auto-tune it a little bit, have Bruno Mars or Haley Williams throw down a hook and it'll be the next smash hit club banger.

  4. BarackMyWorld

    Oh god…laughing….too….hard….can't….breathe….so funny….losing….consciousness…passing out….tell….daughter I….love…her…

    1. Negropolis

      Unless you can exhume his body, and transplant his vocal chords into a 20-something R&B singer.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    That little lobotomized doorstop is a talentless hack. But I like Wonkbot's song about her.

    1. Crank_Tango

      well, I've been waiting to use the term "blood lobotomy" for about a week now, so here goes:

      Blood lobotomy!

      too soon?

  6. __kth__

    Oh, and fun fact about the aluminum-barn churches: in some locales, supposedly the regs that require a buffer zone between the church and the tat parlors, liquor stores, speakeasies, porno shops (i.e., purveyors of necessities) still count if the church-barn is built after the tat-parlor/porno-shop. So they try to build a lot of them, to carve out more sin-free territory. That's what I heard, anyway.

        1. Terry

          Well, I kinda get Branson from the perspective of the entertainer. Say you're a singer, you're getting old and traveling around to earn a buck is getting increasingly difficult. These guys have found a way to get their fan base, also mostly old folks, to come to THEM. The singer can stay home, golf, putter around the house, whatever, then drive to the theater once a day and make more than he or she was making on the road. Old singer nirvana. You just have to make sure that Old Kountry Buffet and similar smorgasboard places open near your theater.

  7. CalamityJames

    Damn, P Diddy Puffenstein's production skillz have simply disappeared after that whole Joaquin Phoenix debacle.

  8. MinAgain

    **wipes away a tear** It's almost as moving as the premiere of Stravinsky's "The Rite of Spring" in Paris in 1913.

    People just don't riot like that anymore.

  9. crybabyboehner

    It is the dawning of the Age of Civility,
    Age of Civility! (need to show some nips here gals)
    Civil, it, eeeeeee!

  10. Radiotherapy

    Wonkbot TSA-1138 is the best money our clueless, ill-founded, bureaucratic Homeland Security Agency ever spent. To sing the body politic that is the terror of our society, i.e. the Alaskunt, well, it almost makes it all worthwhile.

  11. HolyMaracas

    Love you Wonkbot, but I just can't handle any more Sarah posts this week. At this point, I seriously have more respect for any woman that sucks dick for living than for this opportunistic media-whore.

    1. mrblifil

      Actually women who suck dick for any reason set the needle of my Respect-o-meter to "Vajazzle." If they're getting paid for it, well that's just good ol' entrepreneurial Darwinism in action.

      1. Negropolis

        That Sarah Palin is some Babe (pig). With lipstick, even.

        Wait, or is she a Michael Vick pitbull?

  12. mavenmaven

    There must be some other news worth covering, no? Tunisia, Italy (come on, that's a great scandal, whoring with minors), anything but this damn Palin?

  13. SteelMan

    Funny how obsessed you people are with Sarah Palin. You claim she's an idiot that would never be elected president yet you waste so much time and energy going after her. The Alinsky handbook for liberals must be in play.

  14. tribbzthesquidz

    Tax the FUCK out of the churches! Thank you Jesus. Amen. Humnumsheebah. Assamakolamaokiefenokie. (That's speaking in tongues btw)

  15. V572625694

    Step away from whatever evil software you used on that, Ken and Wonkbot-1138. Nothing good can come of this.

  16. JackObin

    And I thought this dreary nation lacked sophistication. The Billie Holiday of the Fox News afficionado.

    1. bflrtsplk

      Our cats talk back to the Wonkbot. When he (she, it) goes "Blood libel," they go "What?" or something like that.

  17. Rotundo_

    Now every time I go to a graduation and hear "Pomp and Circumstance" this little earworm will be playing. Fail with extra cheese will be a good line for the occasion too, also. Wonkbot just keeps hitting them out of the park!

  18. real_dc_native

    I'm thinking that if there was a robot version of the Department of Homeland Security it would be like the robot on the old Lost in Space TV series. It would flail around swinging its arms spasmodically yelling "Terror America, Terror!" They we the Lost in Space robot use to yell "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

  19. PublicLuxury

    Sarah will now have to go one Hannity (again), Beck and Bill'os shows to refudiate the Wonkbot-1138 for picking on her.

  20. Tundra Grifter

    "She got a daughter, her name is Bristol.
    Folks say she's hotter than a two dollar pistol."


  21. Mindblank

    You certainly can't describe that from just one viewing, and I refuse to watch it even that much.

  22. fuflans

    Wonkbot TSA-1138's simple lyrics and stunted form mask a poetic reflection on American patriotism, consumerism, media culture and, of course, cheese.

  23. Mahousu

    I couldn't get the sound to work, so I have to guess at the tune. "On top of Old Smokey" fits, so I'm going to go with that. Close?

  24. Troubledog

    My name is Thomas Dempsey bon 8-21-41 in bristol tenn. I retired from the post office in 2004 and took writing gospel songs as a hobby. In 2006 I had to put this cd on hold because it got too expensive. Six months ago I went back to work to complete this cd, and in the process met two of the most talented people I've ever met in my life. Gary Mcvay & Kristen Leigh. I have been so Blessed with my family and friends.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I know people born in 1941 aren't technically baby boomers, but I'll add this to the list of things I mention whenever someone in that age group bitches about how young people have no respect for anything.

      1. Troubledog

        Or shifting into Beck mode:
        "It's obvious to anyone what's going on here. Bristol is clearly a reference to Governor Palin's daughter, and an attack on her could bring down this republic. So be sure to call my security guy, he's the best. Meanwhile, "Gary" and "Mcvay" are obviously references to Gary Gilmore and Timothy Mcveigh, they are calling for a revolution, but the REAL damning evidence, and THIS is the part you are an IDIOT if you don't see — folks, this is what they are hiding from you, they do NOT want you to know this part. Right after a message from Goldline – in an uncertain future, what's safer than gold?"

    2. Barbara_i

      He retired from the post office and he doesn't have money? Where the hell else is he going to make serious money with the skill of um, walking. You just have to be able to walk to work for the post office! He probably used to take whole rolls of Marilyn Monroe commemorative stamps and lick them on his lunch break so that he would know what it felt like to be a Kennedy.

      1. Troubledog

        take whole rolls of Marilyn Monroe commemorative stamps and lick them on his lunch break so that he would know what it felt like to be a Kennedy

        pure comedy gold

      2. Negropolis

        Hey, now. I have a family friend who worked over 20 years for the USPS doing special delivery, and along with having to know how to walk, she had to be able to avoid aggressive dogs and creepy and/or eccentric homeowners. Fortunately, she didn't have to deal with the weather like so many of the others have to do living in the desert Southwest (Satan's Waiting Room). That said, there is definitely a difference in culture between those that work in the mailroom and those that work delivery.

        He probably used to take whole rolls of Marilyn Monroe commemorative stamps and lick them on his lunch break so that he would know what it felt like to be a Kennedy.

        Excellent. Marilyn probably even tasted like the stamps considering how many chemicals were in here bloodstream at any given time of the day.

  25. salt_bagel

    Aphex Twin totally just came over a song about Sarah Palin. If you had a prop bet on that, you are either wise or an alien.

  26. Troubledog

    You know on the remix you finally got around to dropping a beat at 1:30 or so, I really felt like you'd just been toying with me until then.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    “I think that she has got to slow down and be more careful and think through what she’s saying and how she’s saying it.”
    -Newt Gingrich on Sarah Palin

    "Maybe Mel Gibson should tone it down a little."
    -A. Hitler

  28. Barbara_i

    Thanks Wonkbot! You didn't cover up the gal who is singing. She spent a great deal of time at the Big and Tall Whorestore, picking out those snazzy clothes. It reminded me to pull the groady looking romain lettuce out of the crisper drawer before it turned into something that smells like the lining of my granmother's purse.

  29. Negropolis

    Fail with extra cheese, indeed. Truer words have never been spoken.

    As for the remix, needz moar acid, nao. I felt like a nauseous sparrow barreling through infinity towards eternal transcendence. Also.

  30. Negropolis

    Her wordsalads bring all the boys to the yard,
    and she's like "they're better than yours."
    Damn right, they're better than yours.
    She can teach you,
    But, she's gonna charge.

    1. Barbara_i

      She's aware of the constitution law,
      bitchin' at the lecturn with a bendy straw.
      fat ladies on scooters are gonna be fleeced,
      Can't wait for those e-mail to be released.

      Seriously, Negropolis. The hold on releasing her offical email has been longer than her term in office. I want to read her syphilitic ramblings to Tawd. I want to clear my mind and get into her empty head and live la vida loca as Sarah Palin. I'm willing to wager that she knows bullets, inside and out and yet, doesn't use a single bulletpoint in her e-mail. It's going to be like waking up from a three year coma and having stacks of the National Enquirer by your hospital bedside to read.

      1. Negropolis

        I want to clear my mind and get into her empty head and live la vida loca as Sarah Palin.

        I'm kind of scared of that kind of astral projection. Once I get in that head, I'm afraid there may be no way out. Ignorance is only bliss if you didn't know better before. It'd be like getting stuck in one of those scary "funhouses" but being cognizant of the real world outside of it. Sarah actually enjoys that freak-show in her brown because she's never allowed herself to believe that anything really exists beyond it, poor fool.

  31. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    I've oft wondered if the founders came back in 2011 and could only access, what would they make of the state of the nation they created?

  32. Nopantsmcgee

    Mr Layne. Stop upsetting Mr Steuf please. The last time a "tip" was sent in to Wonkette about this horror-fest we got our weenies wacked for…. sending in tips to the tip line? I dunno. Ask Jack.


  33. dyedwool

    So. Odds-on favorite for first recording artist* to sample this gem in their next offering?

    1. Vanilla Ice
    2. Sean "P Diddy" Combs
    3. Milli Vanilli
    5. All other sane people

    *Recording artist, as used in this context, can loosely be translated to mean: a person or group who does now or used to record music, or anyone else who has NEVER recorded music but may have a vested interest in seeing that the Shrillbilly from AK NEVER makes it to the White House thankyouverymuch.

  34. Negropolis

    Us kids use our cellphone screens, these days. It has the added benefit of not potentially burning the place down.

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