joementum joesedive

Great Sighing Warmonger Joe Lieberman To Retire

Lieberman, in better, bloodsheddier times.Sources in Connecticut (people who “read the entrails” by smashing a jelly Dunkin’ Donut in the rocky soil?) are saying that Joe Lieberman is going to announce his retirement tomorrow, seeing as nobody wants to elect that moaning sack of hollow secondhand gypsy mettle anymore. Wow, what a brilliant career! There was that time he hacked up phlegm all over the accomplishments of the Clinton administration in the 2000 presidential election. And then there was the time his hair foamed as he struggled to eke out re-election in 2006. And then there was the time he triple-kissed John McCain and Lindsey Graham daily in the 2008 presidential contest, swapping gross, dusty, fishy saliva with those two other annoying awful senators. That is a whole lot of disgusting old-man face fluid.

According to the Huffington Post:

UPDATE: A well-sourced Connecticut blogger is reporting that Lieberman will announce his departure.

And Politico has some “sources” too. Good enough for us! Those two are never wrong. But even if this is true, it will take years to pry Lieberman from his desk on the Senate floor, because he excretes a glue-like mucus resistant to even the strongest of acids. [HuffPo]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. CookieGuggleman

      You were also having "glue-like mucus resistant to even the strongest of acids" for dinner? What a coincidence!

    2. jim89048

      I just got HD programming hooked up today and my first HD visual was Helen Thomas. Should keep me cleaned out for days.

  1. MittsHairHelmet

    I bet Lieberman is the only politician in the history of politicians with a dead-fish handshake.

        1. Failure_Artist

          Hank Hill found out that Dubya has a terrible handshake and seriously reconsidered voting for him because of that.

          1. CthuNHu

            John McCain has tiny puffy soft little liver-spotted hands and the handshake of a shy six-year-old in a coma.

            I forget Dubya's handshake. (I figured whatthehell, he's right there, probably oughta shake his hand, even if he's got no chance for the nomination.) All I remember is that he looked remarkably like his father, yet was actually good-looking. And he sure as hell wasn't six feet tall like he claimed.

  2. Groupshrug

    I wish this would have happened before he took it upon himself to kill the health care public option.

  3. RodneyBadger

    I know we all hate Lieberman and I won't begrudge you the tone of this post. But considering what you are reporting, at the very least it should end on a celebratory note. I'm not asking for a whole production, maybe just a little something like this: HOORAH!

  4. Barbara_i

    Wow, wonder if Cindy Mc Cain will take him to the Olive Garden for a farewell dinner. Wait until she finds out that they can't break a ten thousand dollar bill and she'll have to leave the rest as a tip.

  5. SmutBoffin

    He retired to spend more time with his kids, who never call cuz they hate him, and his mistress, a Predator drone wearing a blond wig.

    1. assistantatlas

      I gave you a P thumb solely based on the mental image of Predator drone wearing a blond wig. In my head, it also sings "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" in a very coy, but kinda drunk, way.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        I want to try those, if I ever get to Portland, but I'm afraid of what lurks in the scenester beard-hair that I am sure drops into the mix, sometimes.

  6. sportshort

    Ahem, that's Dunkin' Do-nuts. Get yer snark correct. Unless it's a Yo-nut, in which case, never mind…

    1. Banelm

      For a party famous for self defeating instincts, spinelessness, and wimpiness, Lieberman will long be heralded as a trailblazing leader, discovering whole new ways to undermine the party and trump the popular will for personal spite. He will certainly be missed, for a sufficiently small value of 'missed'.

  7. Rotundo_

    Wow, no more Droopy Dog plodding speeches, no more endless Sunday yackfests droning on, no more hosing the party he got his career from. I would imagine the reflecting pools in the mall are overflowing with tears from his fellow rep, no, dem, no, Connecticut for Lieberman, no, well dammit someone out there in the capitol..

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      I have seen it in the streaky, Bavarian-Creme-streaked sprinkles: The Sunday yackfests are destined to be endless, particularly once his ego stops getting stroked in the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs committee.

  8. MaxUdargo

    God damn asshole, I knew he was going to do this. This guy is an absolute, perfect asshole until the very end. He's not even going to give us the satisfaction of finally watching him go down in defeat in the next election. He's going to duck out at the last minute. The perfect asshole move to end an asshole's career. Of being an asshole. Fucking asshole.

  9. Rambone


    I was actually looking forward to his explaining to the Connecticut peoples why he supported McCain over Barry, without using the words "I am a petty dick who was pissed at my party" before he had his ass handed to him in the election.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    I don't know which I'll miss more — the sniveling corporate toadyism, the false piety paraded as some sort of upstanding moral perspective, the capricious obstructionism disguised as bipartisanship, the fiscal irresponsibility, the empty platitudinous hawkishness or the testicle-retracting whine that sounds like the plaintive bleat of a calf being turned into a steer with a rusty butterknife.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      You forgot his deep seated belief that the AF/Iraq/Pak, fuckit, stan wars are somehow avenging the Holocaust. I could work through that fer yer, but I'd have to go back and get the bizarre, convoluted rationalization from–

      Pause! Weiner's on PBS! Only someone from a state with Spooky Doktor Tom and Inhofe to look at could find Anthony hawt. The Health Care debate did it for me–that, and losing David "You're Welcome" Schuster.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        That would be a hell of a rationalization re: Afghanistan/Iraq — especially the part about how killing millions of civilians somehow makes up the holocaust.

        On the other hand, I definitely want to be Anthony Weiner. Me and all the cool kids. And isn't he married to Huma Abedin, Hillary's mysterious handmaiden?

  11. elviouslyqueer

    Oh please, this shitsack's gonna take years to decide whether or not to retire. After all, Jumping Joe's flip-flopped more times than Lindsey Graham's houseboy.

  12. alzronnie

    That was a beautiful capsulization of an incredible career, Jack. I'm wiping a tear from my eye as I write this–oops, that wasn't a tear, just blood spurting out from where the icepick hit after viewing that photo.

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    Sounds like someone is taking his toys & going home because hmmmm….he realized every Democrat in America (esp. CT) hates his guts. The whole DADT display was pretty much equivalent to bringing your wife roses after you've slept with her best friend. Jerk!

    1. HedonismBot

      Yeah. He acted like such a progressive hero for supporting the DADT repeal, but all I could think was "you are the reason this country will continue to shovel its sick people to be chewed up and spit out of the ravenous maw of the for-profit healthcare death panels."
      Then again, I'm not gay, and I've never wanted to join the military. But I do have a pre-existing condition that's shattered my sense of security and wrecked my financial well-being for the better part of a decade. I guess we care about the things that concern us personally, don't we – like Joementum and his health insurance campaign contributions.
      I swore I would not engage in negative thinking today, but just seeing that sniveling troll doll's wrinkled up face makes me apoplectic. Burn in hell, Joementum. I hope Satan denies you your prescription medication.

  14. bitchincamaro2

    While we're on a good new roll, Baby Doc's been charged with being a big asshole during the last century in Haiti.

  15. MLite

    Sadly, he is largely to thank for the repeal of DADT, because I hate to give the Joementum credit. Also, Lindsey Graham really does have a limp fish handshake, and no that's not a gay joke.

  16. sussemilch

    Wow, so hard to picture Washington without him… politics without Lieberman will be like Catholicism without child molestation.

  17. Come here a minute

    If you want to get him out of the Senate sooner, just have Sarah whip out the crosshairs.

    [whoops, boycott violation]

    1. DemmeFatale

      Is there a Palin boycott?
      Sign me up!!
      I hate to deny Ken the page-views, but DAMN, I'm sick of her!

  18. Fare la Volpe

    Ding Dong the bitch is dead
    Which old bitch? The Dickhead Bitch!
    Ding Dong the Dickhead Bitch is dead~

  19. HobbesEvilTwin

    I still can't believe I voted for that fuck for VP in 2000. Well, at least I wasn't one of the retards who voted for Nader.

      1. HobbesEvilTwin

        Thank you for that – depending on where you live, you may smugly be responsible for the appointment of the dumbest and most corrupt president in the history of the U.S.

        I guess what I'm really saying is that I'm not sure voting for Nader is something you want to brag about.

        1. An_Outhouse

          I guess what I'm saying is
          1) Gore didn't lose 2000 – he quit.
          2) More Dems voted for Bush in Fla. than Greens voted for Nader so
          3) Shove it up your ignorant asshole.

          You voted for Lieberman. You have to live with that. (Besides, I live in NY. I get to vote any way I want because it doesn't matter. The Dems always win.)

          1. DemmeFatale

            Keep telling yourself whatever you need to assuage your guilt.
            I'm sure that HET can live with voting for Lieberman. It's not like he helped to elect Bush.
            ( I guess rationalizing apologists for Nader need to sleep at night, too.)

          2. DemmeFatale

            Keep telling yourself whatever you need to assuage your guilt.
            I'm sure that HET can live with voting for Lieberman. It's not like he helped to elect Bush.
            ( I guess rationalizing apologists for Nader need to sleep at night, too.)

    1. doxastic

      Sigh…I was…and it was Joe that made me do it.
      (disclaimer: I was 18 at the time. Voting for Nader was the least of my bad decisions).

    2. ejcsanfran

      I remember when my sister was supporting Nader in 2000 and I talked her out of it. To demonstrate her commitment, she added, "Not only am I not voting for Nader, I'm buying a 1963 Corvair."

  20. __kth__

    Jack, your prebituary left out his farcical 2004 presidential run (admittedly already a Jeopardy question). That's where we got "Joementum" from, coined by that simpering ninny himself.

    1. HedonismBot

      I thought "Joementum" was from his narcissistic "Joe Lieberman for Joe Lieberman" third-party-defying-the-will-of-his-state's-Democratic-base 2006 Senate run.

      1. __kth__

        no, because he won the 2006 general (sadly). "Joementum" represented his attempt to deny the obvious in 2004. Example here. The hilarity comes from the obvious failure of "Joementum" to materialize in that season, which wouldn't have as much applied in 2006 (again, sadly).

    1. V572625694

      Yeah but when A Wiener got too excited about Joe's idea of extending Medicare to those 50 & above or some such, Joe renounced it, just to piss off Wiener. I call that Lame Dick. And vindictive asshole. DADT was going to happen no matter what; VJ just jumped in front of the parade and claimed to be leading it.

  21. MissTaken

    So does this mean he's going to go home to spend more time with his family, and maybe, just maybe, finally lose his virginity?


  22. An_Outhouse

    Upon reading the results of John McCain's urologist's report, (limp dick and dried up impotent prune balls), Joe Lieberman has decided to quit the Senate.

  23. hagajim

    C'mon C'mon and do, the Joecomotion with me….c'mon baby do the joecomotion….as in GTFO ASAP pleeze!

  24. LionelHutzEsq

    Well, I guess we file this as another loss for the GOP in the Senate.

    And, my money is on Joe leaving the Senate so he can pursue his true love, Christine O'Donnell. Look for a pudding cup beard on his any day now.

  25. GOPCrusher

    P.O.S. should have considered himself retired when he got primaried out in 2006. And the Democratic Caucus in the Senate that warmly received him after the 2008 election so they could say they had a 60 vote majority, should be snapped in the collective scrotum with a big rubber band.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Yes, didn't you see the picture today of Lindsey in the black dress, heels and veil? Wait, she wears that every day…

  26. BarackMyWorld

    We bitch at McCain for bringing Lieberman to national prominence, can we not also hold a grudge against Al Gore for this?

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Despite my overall good opinion of Al, yes we can.

      He couldn't bring himself to accept support from Bubba because of teh BJ, but he was willing to tie himself to this chickenhawk to try (and fail) to boost his militarism cred.

      I have criticized Nader (and will continue to do so) for his "equal pox on both your houses" mentality, but it is also true that Gore would have won handily if he had mobilized another couple percent of natural Democratic voters. Stiffing Clinton and embracing Lieberman were both doing it wrong

    2. Negropolis

      Does anyone seriously believe that someone like Lieberman was Gore's first, second, hell, third choice? Sounds more to me like this one someone his advisors forced on him and he gave in. I'll fault Gore for his week will in 2000, but I really think it's silly for anyone to imply that he actually like or respected Lieberman. Al Gore is awkward all by himself, they were even more awkward when seen together.

      1. transfatz

        I don't think Gore would have lasted a year but the state funeral would have been environmentally sound. Except for the war on Iran which followed it.

  27. nounverb911

    From the NY Times: "Mr. Lieberman’s decision comes as potential challengers start to emerge. On Tuesday, the state’s former Democratic secretary of state, Susan Bysiewicz, announced on her Facebook page that she intended to run for Senate next year."

    I hope Ms Bysiewicz isn't planning a write in campaign.

    1. emmelemm

      I only hope that, unlike Lieberman, she's not "former[ly] Democratic", but rather, a former Secretary of State, and also, an actual Democrat.

      Plus, I guess announcing Senate runs on Facebook is "the norm" now?

    2. Negropolis

      I live in Michigan, so I'm very familiar with Polish names, but even I can't figure that one out.

      1. NewtsChicknNeck

        Shelley Dracula Cunt (and Lizard People) agree. fortunately something called a Reince Priebus will help choose her opponent.

  28. Beetagger

    The only good news I've had today, as I contemplate unemployment & lack of health insurance in this, the greatest country in the world™. Diabeetes sucks as much as Joementum.

  29. NewtsChicknNeck

    i just lost an erection, vomited into a trashcan, and chewed off my right leg for old time's sake.

  30. Terry

    Prediction: Ned Lamont, once again, will not be elected to that seat and the Firedoglake folks will wail and gnashing their teeth.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      He can and will. Either he will dangle his retirement in front of us for two endless years, or he will go on a sortie or two of renegade oppositional narcissistic senatorial nastiness just to let us know he's still around. He might even do a full-on heel turn, just like in Connecticut-style pro wrestling, and become a teabagger again. Orthodox piece of shit.

  31. coolhandnuke

    A deli down the block offers the Lieberwurst on rye sandwich.
    It smells like shit.
    Tastes like shit
    Looks like shit.
    But it's a steal for $2.99

  32. simplyblue7

    I smashed my Jelly Dunkin Donut on the concrete and got nothing…except something about natural disasters and what not, pffft…nothing news worthy.

  33. JackObin

    I'm guessing Joe and his lovely bride Bathsheba will be heading off to the Miami sunshine. Not because they are of the Jewish persuasion, but because they have such poor taste.

  34. Mindblank

    Yet he did make a great case for the repeal of DADT. Nothing in his career became him as the leaving of it.

  35. ttommyunger

    Still, I wonder who his wife has been fucking all these years. The Lady H. is kinda hot, really. My money is on Smokin' Joe Biden.

    1. randomsausage

      But Jill Biden's hot. And she's a doctor, so probably has a costume. I say Smokin' Joe keeps the horse in the stable.

  36. BklynIlluminati

    There should be choirs singing and shackles broken, dancing, drinking orgies from this news.

  37. cheetojeebus

    This post smells of stale cum, pine-o-pine and pants he pissed in a month ago with the fruity glow of a urinal cake to freshen it all. <cack>……<cack>

  38. Troubledog

    It'll take a tanker truck of hot horse urine and a pressure washer to melt Lieberman out of that desk.

  39. chascates

    There's bound to be some way he'll screw us again before he leaves; it's his nature. Maybe McCain will join him once Lindsey loses to a tea party Republican in his state's primary.

  40. DustBowlBlues

    Where's the live blog? What? You say the editor attempting it fell asleep 30 seconds into this speech of such monumental boredom that nothing else could have more aptly expressed the lifetime achievement of this mean-spirited, vengeful and petty little dickwad excuse for a senator from a state where they actually have an educated enough voter base to elect a living, breathing Democrat who doesn't have his head up his ass?

    Then let me step in and say, on behalf of all grateful Democrats, Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Douchebag.

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