but when does bill bradley jump in?

Insane Anti-Abortion Activist Randall Terry To Face Obama In Primaries

Our friend Randall Terry calls himself a Tea Party activist, and likes to go around protesting abortion with superb comic acting and the throwing of dead fetuses at tourist children, but he also apparently is going to face Obama in the 2012 Democratic primaries. This should be good.

Let’s take a random sample of times this man has made it into our blog:

This past July, he hanged and beat Lindsey Graham in effigy. We made a Blingee.

For Halloween 2009, he made a video about how you are going to burn in hell in a deluxe fire condo with your roommates Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

“Wonkette Went To Virginia For A Town Hall, And Randall Terry Went Nuts, The End”

His son outed himself as gay, haha.

And here is an ancient audio lithograph of him saying his favorite swear, “son of a pup.”

But apparently this man is a Democrat now, for the fuck of it. We guess this unfunny music video about the Republican Party is supposed to explain his exit from the party. There is a giant sword in the background propped up next to a gumball machine. That’s pretty much all you need to know.

While pro-life Democrats have prevailed at the state level, they have failed badly in their pursuit of their party’s presidential nomination in recent years.

Haha, this reporter is an idiot. Stop pretending this man is serious. How about pets? How often have gerbils won a presidential nomination? Some intern needs to do some research on this. [Sunshine State News via Ben Smith]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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    1. Barbara_i

      Yeah, because if he makes it past the second trimester of the campaign we pretty much have to keep him.

  1. CalamityJames

    Damn baby-beater has a horrible sense of timing. They'll never make it on America's Got Talent.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Thumbs-upping everyone not a troll today, but I don't understand this one. Thumbs up anyway because, well, I feel like it.

    1. Rotundo_

      Imagine what Dorothy Parker would have done with this numbnuts. The mind reels at the possibilities. It would be like an execution by papercut.

  2. Weenus299

    Randall Terry? No, get William Perry. Last I heard, the Refrigerator is working as a bricklayer in Aiken County, beatin' his wife. That'd make a good candidate.

  3. SorosBot

    Oh good, a Presidential campaign from a man who, instead of just using general violent rhetoric like your Palins and your Becks, actually has directly incited specific terrorist assassinations, at least two that I can think of off the top of my head.

    1. CalamityJames

      Impressive! Generally, including the phrases "terrorist assassinations" and "off the top of my head" in a single sentence paints an entirely different picture.

    2. CalamityJames

      Because my comment was aborted by evil Interwebz Gobblins, I shall repost.

      Impressive! Generally, including the phrases "terrorist assassinations" and "off the top of my head" in a single sentence paints an entirely different picture.

  4. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Terry will need to be seen hugging some trees and have his picture taken with Ben and Jerry if he’s serious about running as a Dumbocrat. Although he does seem to have the loser part down so he’s got that going for him.

        1. Barbara_i

          Okay, I'm just going to give myself a time out for that shit.

          1. CapnFatback

            Only if by "time out" you mean "special parts hug," cuz you just won a tickle fight with the Internet's funny bone.

          2. Barbara_i

            Love this! It's like your mind was on fire with ice cream knowledge. I shied away from "The Grape Depression" because it was um, depressing. You rock!

          3. Barbara_i

            Oh Negropolis, if Barry runs again in 2012 (fingers crossed) we should have the flavor "Yes Pecan!"

      1. Barbara_i

        Oh God, it's so warm here today that I have the windows open and every neighbor within a 1 block radius just heard me laughing at BitchinCamaro.

          1. Barbara_i

            Pffftttt, the neighborhood has been sullied ever since I stopped looking for the sash to my robe. I still run to the end of the driveway to get the newspapers without it.

  5. Oblios_Cap

    Terry says that he doesn't believe he has any chance of winning, so he's not delusional. it seems his only goal is to gross out as many Americans as possible by showing as many aborted fetuses (feti?) on TV and in print as he possibly can.

    Better start stocking up, Randall. Them fetuses (feti?) ain't going spontaneously generate and abort themselves just to be on your macarbe version of "American Idol"!

  6. bitchincamaro2

    Well, good to know that the Google/YouTube algorithms are working properly. Nothing like having your choice of gynecological services scroll under your Randall Terry anti-choice vids. Irony and Profit!

  7. mumbly_joe

    Well, this goes to prove that teabaggers are non-partisan, right? Because this douchenozzle is saying that he's a Democrat, and therefore the fact that his views lie on the extreme, partisan right is completely irrelevant!

    Also, since Democrat== liberal, always and forever, this means that Scott Roeder, who was spurred on by "Democrat" Randall Terry, was actually a lefty, and thus all violence is left-wing, as teatards are loving to claim right now. Flawless logic!

    1. SorosBot

      Don't forget Paul Hill! While I'm against the death penalty in general, I can't say that I was to sad to see that terrorist creep executed.

    2. GOPCrusher

      The sword and bubblegum machine are proof of the violent tendencies of the Left Wing Hate Machine.

  8. edgydrifter

    Super. Now Beck, Palin et al will be able to point to RT's crazy-ass "wanted" lists and death pools and say "See? SEE? The Demoncrat blood libelurs are tainting the rhetoric! They're violencing the dialogue!" Naturally, the MSM will accept and repeat this unquestioningly. I'm calling shenanigans on the whole deal.

  9. Weenus299

    He'd answer every charge with "cherish life in all forms." He'd answer every countercharge with "high-powered rifle."

  10. Crank_Tango

    I want to see his running mate, fetus jar-jar bush best Snowkunt in the VP debates.

    I know none of that makes sense, and I don't care.

  11. RodneyBadger

    Why are we rushing to declare Obama the primary winner? Shouldn't we wait for the super delegates to weigh in?

  12. CalamityJames

    Sorosbot, I have twice attempted to reply to your wonderful comment pertaining to Monsieur Terry's terroristic activities, and have twice had my comments eated. I am angry. So, I will attempt to restate my reply in a completely separate post, as if this were the FoxNews forums.

    "Impressive! Generally, including the phrases "terrorist assassinations" and "off the top of my head" in a single sentence paints an entirely different picture."

    Of course, all sense of context has been lost, and what could have been a genius statement will be void of any real quality. Fuck you, fuck Ken Layne, fuck me. Is anyone getting fucked yet?

    1. Barbara_i

      C.J., the same thing is happening to me only to have them appear after I repost it and look goofier. There seems to be a hiccup somewhere.

        1. BarryOPotter

          You have to be careful, though. If water gets in there, it may cause mold to grow and you don't want a moldy glory hole, for health reasons, of course.

          Oh, and a big "Congrats!" to 4TT on the mystery hand, but I think it's up to you to tell us if it was pretty good, not the other way round.

      1. Barbara_i

        That happened to my friend who is completely against masturbation. He would never wack-off, yet once when he was cleaning it, it went off.

        1. CalamityJames

          I don't understand the concept of someone being anti-masturbation and pro-five-minute-wiener-cleansings.

  13. elviouslyqueer

    The only way I'd even remotely listen to what Terry has to say about abortion is when he decides to trade in his dick for a working uterus.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      On behalf of all the female wonkeratti, thank you. If that's double-posted, please pardon me, but I think intense debate is anti-choice and ate my first response.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Damn, it was double posted. Honestly, I only came up after I did the repeat. ID is playing mind games with me.

    3. CalamityJames

      On behalf of the straight, unemployed male wonkeratti, what are your views on "gifts" and "other bitches in line?"

          1. Barbara_i

            What if we don't have a "working uterus?" I'm pretty sure mine is laid off. I don't recall the pinkslip though.

  14. doxastic

    Thank you Randall Terry, for giving me the chance to reflect on how totally epic the Wonkette town hall field trip was.

  15. Sophist/Glock Palin

    Looks like a certain political party was getting jealous of the full bakers dozen of delusional candidates who have no business running for office that its rival was planning on wearing to the prom.

      1. Sophist/Glock Palin

        You mean like the last election, when they both showed up wearing corporate funded PACs? Awkward.

  16. Pithaughn

    Who's going to tell him that even Ralph Nader does not get invited to the televised "debates". By debates I mean the television show where in our fascist media owners present two nearly identical politicians and pretend we get to choose our "leader" based on a mature thoughtful discussion of the ginormous problems said leader must attempt to deal with. Like what foreign country were you born in? Hawaii or the canal zone?

    1. bitchincamaro2

      And may I be the first to extend a giant, heartfelt, "FUCK YOU AND THE TELEPROMPTER YOU RODE IN ON" to all of the future "debate" moderators?

      Too soon?

        1. Pithaughn

          Can someone ask her why she let the One Who cannot be named on Wonkette anymore prattle on and on "directly to the Merikun Peepl"? Worst mod ever.

  17. Sassomatic

    Let's just elect our first unborn fetus as President. That will prove they have the same rights as the rest of us and then we can all have our abortions in peace.

  18. DustBowlBlues

    You need to be clearer in your use of pronouns. "Same thing happened to me" at the beginning of your response to this particular comment made me think that every man on this board has sex with a bar of soap every morning.

      1. CalamityJames

        I wonder if perhaps that would be sharing too much?


        Today, we are all assclowns. Someone squeeze my big, red nose.

  19. DustBowlBlues

    I wish all the nice middle class, middle aged married women with children like {looks around the room for an example} oh, like I, who are very grateful that they lived in a progressively minded city where this {searching heart} not too difficult decision could be made in the 4th week and who, appropriately, consider this a very private decision, would all band together and make one big utube video expressing our sentiments.

    There are times when the lives of those already born are more important than a wad of mucous that has the potential of taking mom down into a hole from which she isn't likely to climb out. And when Mom goes? Well, the whole family goes down with her.

    Easy, cheap, first month abortions are God's gift to women.

    1. CalamityJames

      That's easy for you to say. What about those poor 70-year-old white men, who have to suffer for your "personal" decision? Just like a selfish librul!

      1. DustBowlBlues

        I'll do one better. I'll follow you. Most responses I think I've ever had. Must be outrageously good for the quantity of my pee.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I'll pile on and add: it think it was not Gloria Steinem who said "If men could get pregnant abortion would be a sacrament, not a sin," but rather she was quoting a wise (incicentally male) cabdriver she rode with one day.

    2. aqua_buddha

      Nice post.
      Worth adding that the goal of Reproductive Health education should be the understanding that:

      Contraceptives, in addition to other health & life-saving benefits with regard to Hiv & stds, widely distributed with good instruction, lead to fewer necessary abortions.

      This is the way to carry this point, and this nightmare national bickering fest.

      Yes, "easy cheap first month abortions" are a necessity, and last time I looked, actually a legal right, upheld by the law of the land.

      But an overarching Contraceptives Program (in this country for a start) could take the lead in the struggle away from the less acceptable alternative of abortion.

      It really shouldn't have to be said, but it doesn't seem like anyone's actually saying it.
      Abortion isn't a good option, it is a last resort and a necessary option, and a private matter between a woman and her doctor.

      Comprehensive reproductive + contraception education = fewer abortions every year.
      Winning by winning.

      1. HistoriCat

        Except she's a baked good tease. Muffins, cookies, other yummy goodness – she always tells us when she's baking them. But does she share??

        (No, really DBB – I think you're great. And you since you live in Oklahoma you have my sympathies.)

    3. Gomez571

      The mucous will hit the fan when Mississippi votes that the wad to which you refer is a "person" next election. Not too long after that a wrongful death case will be filed when a minor rear-ender results in a miscarriage.

  20. doxastic

    Somewhere in Red America, Randall Terry fans are learning that he's "become" a Demoncrap, triggering their very first existential crisis.

  21. smokefilledroommate

    It's interesting that the GOP would give him a red dress of all things to wear in the imaginary conversation he has with them at the end of his "song".

  22. lefty74

    Guy needs a 72 hour evaluation. Potential Tillerkiller type who runs with known tru terrorists. Insane is right. Very Right.

      1. MsQuasimodo

        I think lefty74 means more like a 5150 – legal way to involuntarily commit someone with suicidal or homicidal ideation to do a psych evaluation – although your works, too

  23. LionelHutzEsq

    What does it say about the modern Republican Party that Terry's hate filled, violence prone demagoguery is getting drowned out by all the other, hate filled, violence prone demagoguery? He must be so frustrated, mumbling to himself "I've been saying this shit for twenty years, and now Sarah Palin apes me and she is the one everyone loves? Fuck it, I'm going to the Democrats.

  24. horsedreamer_1

    The entry of Randall Terry into the 2012 Democratic Primary field shows how terribly Obama has destroyed the goodwill moderate Americans invested in him in his 2008 election. It is therefore I, Evan Bayh, enter the race, as a means to restore the unity within the Democrat Party.

    Just watch Ol' Soft-wood pull this shit.

  25. PublicLuxury

    Is this guy one of those baby-in-a-dumpster people that got no health care while being reared by a dumpster? How upsetting For Congressman Freak Boy King to see one of the dumpster twins running for office to get that sweet, sweet Government Insurance.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Lovely mashup of rightwing nitwittery. Nincompoopery. (Nincompoops. Reminds me. Wish "my" the wonket would discuss True Grit. Has anyone read the book? I'm going to, as soon as I can buy it.)

  26. bflrtsplk

    As part of his campaign, the dear Dr. Looney Terry will feature a "Name the Bush Fetus Jar Baby" contest at every stop, because Fetus Jar seems so, um, you know, hackneyed.

  27. Jukesgrrl

    Is Barbara Bush's maid Paula involved in the campaign?

    Chief Cook and Jar-Washer? Fetus Filer? Family Relations Director?

  28. Redhead

    Let me guess: this shit-stain ass-wipe has nuts and a cock, which he thinks means he can tell all ladies what to do with their bits, since their bits are different than his. And since the only bits his bits ever get to visit belong to five-year-old boys or his hand, pregnancy isn't something he really worries about much (not even whether his son will accidentally get a girl pregnant, apparently).

    So therefore this bored shitstain asswipe cock-sucking donkey-fucking botched abortion with an IQ half that of Trig Palin thinks he actually has something meaningful to say, and not only that, but wommenfolkz should HAVE to listen to his pathetic limp-dick idea (because what other use would he have for them?).

    I nominate Randall as donor for Cheney's next heart transplant. Or hunting trip, either one.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Would you, by any chance, be a female member of the wonkeratti? If not, I hail your ability to communicate our feminist bile about bullshit like this.

      1. Redhead

        Ah, I am female (and highly irritated by self-righteous hypocrites, obviously). But I'm still gonna assume that was a compliment, and thank you :)

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Like Bible Spice, in the words of a crestfallen Todd said after Joe Miller, a creature made by that idiot, said he wasn't sure she was qualified to be president: Sarah worked "all morning" on a facebook update supporting his candidacy and now had to delete it. These things, like fb updates, take time to get right. Eleanor can't compose those brilliantly witty ripostes to wonksnark in a matter of minutes. S/he/it is working on one, as we speak.

      Or maybe the plot is working and ignoring trolls makes them go away.

  29. pdiddycornchips

    I'm not theologian but if there really is a god, why would he let this particular baby live?

  30. DoktorZoom

    Odd. A "giant sword in the background propped up next to a gumball machine" was also the insignia of the Terran Empire in the Star Trek episode "Mirror Mirror" (TOS, Season 2, First aired: 6 October 1967).

    Does this Randall Terry have a goatee?

  31. Pragmatist2

    Oh man, this is tough.
    Should I vote for the Hate America candidate who id a wild eyed, big government radical servant of the mullahs or should I vote for Obama?

  32. fuflans

    to be fair, i have a couple swords in my house. only my swords don't come from 'medieval collectibles'.

  33. Steverino247

    My fondest memory of Randall Terry was the DC police dragging him away at the March for Women's Lives in DC in April 1992. He was screaming some shit at Jesse Jackson when the cops grabbed him, smacked the shit out of him because he was resisting and hauled him off. Jesse waited until the police were gone before he turned off the preacher and just smiled this little sly smile. Very cool, that Jesse. Very urban, too, I gather.

  34. comrad_darkness

    He gave up on the republicans? He didn't somehow figure out that "abortion" is just a cue like a trainer uses with a dog to get it to jump, did he?

  35. Negropolis

    He needs his own party, like the "Fetalcrats" or "The Abortion Rate is Too Damn High Party" or maybe just "Republicans."

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