America’s Last Hope: Become a Nation of Whores

  desperate times

Yeah, we still remember the only thing you're famous for, Spitzer. (And it ain't 'Parker Spitzer.')In this third year of the Great Recession, it’s starting to set in for a lot of people that the rest of their lives will be, at best, a grim struggle. From early forced retirement for people who have no financial cushion to retire upon to the tens of millions of jobless younger adults still living with mom and (occasionally) dad, for all but the top 5%, it’s just a long hard slog from here on out. That’s why more and more new “Internet companies” are based on the model of the whorehouse: Are you a reasonably attractive poor woman who doesn’t yet look “used up”? Then you can rent (with your pre-paid Visa card) a dingy room with a twin mattress and a sink from the virtual madam, and then hopefully entice one of America’s rich men into banging you for a small fee, until he gets bored and moves on and you, inevitably, die poor and alone.

A website called “Sugar Sugar” keeps sending us these increasingly pathetic/desperate PR emails. For a while, we just grimaced to ourselves and deleted them. Then we sent one to our favorite lady-comedy blog, because WTF. But now, we are forced to bring this “leading economic indicator” to Wonkette, because we’re pretty sure this isn’t just another vulgar stop on our cultural descent but an actual prediction of American Life for the vast majority of U.S. females during their “reasonably hot years” (12-15) before the industrial-chemical-media-complex diet of Kardashian reality shows, corn syrup feeding tubes, E!, off-brand cigarettes, rendered pork/chicken fat, Abandoned Storage Unit Auction Queens weekday marathons, tattoo ink, Huffington Post celebrity slideshows, DUIs, GEDs and family court appearances transform them into Hoveround-bound SSI recipients.

Because during that brief and crucial window when a morally empty kleptocrat might want to sodomize you in a motel for a few weekends, the important thing to remember is that millions of other young ladies are desperately seeking this income opportunity, too:

2. Learn to say “NO”
Say “NO” more times than you say “yes”—I’m serious babies… Nothing says “cheap whore” better than a cheap whore does. If you become a yes-woman, you become a loose goose… am I right or am I right?

3. Put yourself in the way.
Whether you “accidentally” stand in the path of some unbeknownst sugar daddy warmly smiling with an apology when he bumps into you, or stop a SD somewhere to ask him if you met before, if you cause a SD to pause and really look at you, there’s a better ‘chance’ of that leading into more conversation.

4. Get out of the way.
I know I know, it seems as if I’m contradicting myself, but If you want to win the heart of a married sugar daddy, DO NOT INTERFERE with his ‘other’ life—the risk of him losing his family is enough to lose your number, trust me. He will respect and appreciate the space you give him, usually causing an influx of adoration and attention.

“SD” doesn’t refer to “Sexually-transmitted Disease” here, but to “Sugar Daddy.”

8. Enjoy any time spent with your SD.
Needs are not met by demands and expectations. If you do not make the most out of and enjoy your time with your SD, it shows that you don’t really value him or his time, and you will get nothing little girl. The best SD relationships have NO DEMANDS, EXPECTATIONS, and are not TAKEN FOR GRANTED. (Note: For every generous SD is a line of bitches behind you who would gladly take your spot for a few hours)

9. Quell that “desperation” devil within you.
Have you ever seen a desperate SB? Not cute.

10. Live like it’s the last day of your life!
Nobody likes a Debbie-downer! Traveling to new places, experimenting with different cuisines, and experiencing non-vanilla sex are all part of living an exciting life. Be open to the next unexpected moment, you just never know where it may take you!

That’s right! A lot of times, when he’s choking you, you will regain consciousness later! And if not, you probably believe in God or whatever, so consider it a short-cut to heaven. And if you live? He’ll give you some money for food and rent. [We aren't linking to this site]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

139 comments

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      So, what you are saying is, if we lived our lives more like Sarah and Bristol Palin (pop out kids, get money for no reason other than you have popped out kids and some find you "cute"), this country would be a better place? Also?

  1. SorosBot

    It's a good thing that I already had no faith in human decency left to shake before I read that shit.

    1. SorosBot

      Unfortunately, faith in human decency, like virginity, can never be regained once lost (yes, Christine and Bristol, I'm looking at you).

    1. bitchincamaro2

      If you come back here with "Generous" appended to "Crank Tango", how shall we contact you, "personally"?

      1. Crank_Tango

        I was going to add a dollar sign to my "handle" but then it looked too much like crank tango & cash, which is not gonna happen.

        I wonder if I need to dye my hair gray like all the other dudes on there?

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    "But be careful, ladies, your SD might find out what Soylent Green is made of and Chuck Connors will come around and bludgeon him to death."

  3. Ruhe

    "Remember there's a line of bitches behind you…" I swear when you sign the training/probation period agreement at Starbucks, that is the first line on the document.

    1. Pithaughn

      Regarding "Remember there's a line of bitches behind you…". This seems to be the general attitude of all employers these days. Not a week goes by without a comment like "Hmm, only 2000 unsolicited resumes this week, maybe the economy HAS bottomed out, oh, by the way how may hours did you bill this week?"

    1. SorosBot

      Women's emotions don't matter since they're not real people who count; they just need to smile, look pretty and act perky to please their man and hide whatever they're really feeling.

      1. Gunner Asch

        That was the one bit of dating/facts of life advice my dad gave me about 45 years ago. A few years later I brought home my girlfriend/soon to be wife and she was a Berkeley math major who didn't (and doesn't) suffer fools gladly. He never forgave her or me for making such a poor choice in lifemate.

  4. OC_Surf_Serf

    c'mon, Sugar Daddies are never as handsome as they show…they usually look more like, uh, Spitzer…

    1. Negropolis

      That man has a face you could grate cheese on. Women have to be careful when kissing him, because one of those cheekbones could take out an eye..

    1. Sophist/Glock Palin

      "Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Brevity is the soul of wit. Also, no anal unless he buys you something with diamonds."

    2. SmutBoffin

      Aren't #2 and #8 contradictory? "Say NO, but remember that there are other ladiez who want your job…"

    3. FNMA

      I remember that. Laertes told Ophelia to stay away from Hamlet, unless he ponies up cash money, then, bang away, sis, and make sure I get my half!

      I may have missed that day of English lit class.

  5. Sophist/Glock Palin

    “SD” doesn’t refer to “Sexually-transmitted Disease” here, but to “Sugar Daddy.”

    8. Enjoy any time spent with your SD.

    Are you sure? Because compared to your typical “Sugar Daddy”, a Sexually-transmitted Disease seems more likely to be something you would enjoy spending time with.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    From early forced retirement for people who have no financial cushion to retire upon to the tens of millions of jobless younger adults still living with mom and (occasionally) dad, for all but the top 5%, it’s just a long hard slog from here on out.

    Hey, two Hobbes "Leviathan" references in two different posts in one morning!

  7. baconzgood

    "Hi my name is Tyna. I don't really measure love in a traditional way. Things like how nice you are, if you're moral, funny, handsom are of no importance to me. What is important to me is the size of your bill fold. Yes have you ever wanted to strap a woman up and hang her from the rod in your closet and beat her with a cucumber until she pissed blood, I'm your girl as long as you buy me a new Rolex every year. Please send me a picture, your health records (heart conditions or history of stroke are a plus) and your last six W-2s"

  8. SmutBoffin

    Ahhh ha. And these new "SD" jobs…how do we go about signing up for those? What are the hours and bennies?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I dunno, it sounds pretty rough. Having sex with attractive women, not having to commit, or even pay them anything, except whatever 'gifts' you care to dole out.

      Maybe it come with dental?

  9. LionelHutzEsq

    Rule 11: Constantly ask yourself: What could I have done differently so that Daddy didn't choke me?

    Rule 12: Remember, he just hurts you because he loves you and you are too stupid to know what to do.

    Rule 13: Make sure to get the money up front. Credit cards are not your friend, as the transaction can always be cancelled.

    Rule 14: I know this sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but always keep the credit card receipts. There is nothing better than pulling the double whore: Get paid to get laid, and then get paid more when you sell him out to the National Enquirer. This is what makes America great!

    1. Negropolis

      Rule 15: Remember, boundaries are just lines on geo-political maps. Don't clench when his Germany invades your Poland. Welcome it!

    1. FNMA

      Just hang in there. The 2012 GOP convention is right around the corner. Man could make himself a lot of money there.

  10. LionelHutzEsq

    Become a Nation of Whores? Having just watched the Miss America pageant, the Golden Globes, NFL Football and FOX News over the weekend (to hear Sarah Palin discuss how she is the true victim of the Tuscon shootings), becoming a nation of whores sounds like a step up.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Did you REALLY watch the Miss America pageant? That's too much, even in the Wonkette line of duty.

  11. jackannapolis

    So is anyone surprised by this development, or simply surprised at the low threshold these rent-a-vaginas are willing to accept? I mean, is the shock that those who are supposed to be comfortably on the higher range of the food chain are descending in order to supplement their middle-class (hah!) income with "non-vanilla" sex? Cause I got to tell ya – it ain't just pretty girls. These rich men will stick a dick in any hole they can find – and it doesn't have to be human or living! Welcome to the rest of the developing world, young nubile American pretties!

    1. FNMA

      "These rich men will stick a dick in any hole they can find – and it doesn't have to be human or living!"

      Dick Cheney?

  12. MistaEko

    For every generous SD is a line of bitches behind you who would gladly take your spot for a few hours

    Man, am I going to the wrong bars.

    Then we sent one to our favorite lady-comedy blog

    Jezebel?

    1. Sophist/Glock Palin

      Not at all. Her sugar daddy "John M." ($$$$$ | Generous Asshole) already gave her enough unwarranted fame to keep her in snowmachines and ugly jackets for the rest of her life.

    2. baconzgood

      We're on a consensual moratorium with her….But still it's hard not to bring her into the mix.

      Blood libel

  13. Gorillionaire

    True Story: this past autumn I was in NYC with the spouse, seeing a show, and while we were getting a cab none other than Kelsey Grammer stepped out on the sidewalk, fresh out of his matinee performance of La Cage. A bunch of people ran over to take pics and get autographs, except for one old guy nearby. I heard his companion say "hey honey don't you wanna go see Kelsey Grammer?!?!" and he said "Nah, he's a douchebag."

  14. baconzgood

    I checked out the link and noticed that these women had jobs like cashier and things like that. So not only are they poor in the financial sense, they are also destitute morally too.

    FYI: about a year ago I put up a snarky ad on Craigs List poking fun of the other personals and now I'm the healthiest relationship I've ever been in my life. So suck on that $ grubbing hussies!

  15. SecretMuslin

    I've heard that whoring pays well. Probably better than the 3 cans of hobo beans that I receive each week in exchange for toiling away my precious life in the soul-sucking hellhole that I call "work."

    1. CookiE_MonstA

      But, But BUT, what about the pride in working and supporting yourself?!? Saint Ronnie said that a humiliating Wal-mart job is better than a humiliating welfare check, right? Right? RIGHT?!?!?!?

  16. DerrickWildcat

    I can say from years of experience (Years of experience watching the Life Time Movie Channel Network) That this scenario always plays out tragically. Generally, Tori Spelling would lose her mind and and try to kill Meredith Baxter-Birney to keep Bruce Boxleitner for herself.

  17. x111e7thst

    I used to be able to pick up the odd Amero or two from pudgy, balding Repukes who wanted to give a guy a blowjob. Now it's "brother can you spare some hobo beans".

  18. GOPCrusher

    I wake up in the morning, and with the racism, homophobia, Sarah Palin, and soul-crushing depression, I think to myself, things can only get better. Then I read this article.
    * looks for razor blade *

  19. chickensmack

    And something tells me that the path people beat to such a website, just like Ashley Madison and all those other weird (yet legitimate) dating sites, is probably — still! — 8 to 2, men to women.

    Men, just cut to the chase and jerk off. Masturbation is probably a better solution than the prospect of pimping, oh… everyone.

  20. Buckminster

    this country has a severe lack of self esteem. We give our attention and respect to clowns in the media, we can't read with comprehension and discernment and we give opinion more weight than fact. Whoredom is a step up.

  21. bitchincamaro2

    First question: What are the chances that all that financial and sexual advice was written by a fugly fat white man?

    Second question: See above.

  22. SmutBoffin

    I've heard that the Wonkbot TSA-1138 has started seeing a stockbroker's high-frequency trading workstation 'cause the workstation pays for RAM upgrades.

  23. Tommmcatt

    Don't fool yourself: Americans already outsource their whores. Ask any Russian woman or Fillipina who lives in a certain district of any given large city in their respective countries.

    Maybe we can be body slaves or enema technicians or something.

  24. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hmmmmmm. Let’s see if Monsieur Grumpe is qualified to be an SD.

    Gray hairs. check
    Nice teeth. check
    Likes the ladies. double check
    Total asshole. half check
    Cheats on wife. no check
    Relaxed attitude about STDs. no check
    $$$$$$$. no check

    I guess not.

    1. bitchincamaro2

      The real bummer here is that I'll no longer be able to go into Staple's and purchase an SD card without seeing Love Gov Spitzer's mug.

  25. MiniMencken

    Apart from recent mega-lottery winners, men with money to burn are very canny about holding on to their money — that's how they came to have it. And, they keep even sharper people, lawyers, accountants, private bankers, on retainer to help them. This Website is for wankers who want to fantasize about all the totally excellent babes they would be able to get if they had just started Microsoft or something. If you are a young woman who thinks this is an appealing idea, I have a more realistic one-word bit of advice — Nevada.

  26. proudgrampa

    Would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?
    "Sure!"
    Would you go to bed with me for 5 bucks?
    "What do you think I am – a whore?"
    Yes, I was just haggling…

  27. Mariecohn

    All the great French Presidents were SDs. Were that I could have been one of their delights. In this country, however, there's no question in my mind that our current President needs nothing of the sort.

    1. Negropolis

      Don't you worry, Sarkozy will be trading out Carla soon enough, just like he did his first wife when she got too old.

  28. chickensmack

    On September 12, 2001, I thought "this can be our turn-around. This is our moment to stop these petty arguments, and frivolous lawsuits, and the gutter glitter (stolen) from the American Princess Parade."

    Then Giuliani and Bush told us to go shopping.

    Sugar Sugar sounds like another business in the corporate landscape. GO SHOPPING, INDEED.

  29. sati_demise

    I still love Elliot.

    I love that man, for all his faults.
    He tried to rescue us from the mortgages.
    He tried!

    1. bitchincamaro2

      Agreed, but know that you are violating certain copyright laws by associating the word, "love" with the former "gov".

      Snark aside, I truly believe that Spitzer was headed for Hell all along, during his short term as governor and longer term as NY AG. Not only was he right most of the time, he was self-righteous and obnoxious while being right. Isn't that a sure ticket to Hades?

      1. Jukesgrrl

        A lot of people who equally or more self-righteous and obnoxious never suffer the reversal Spitzer was dealt. Am I right, Sen. Lieberman, Sen. McCain, Sen. Vitter, Sen. Ensign, Half-Governor Palin, Whole-Governor Mark Sanford, etc., etc.

  30. hagajim

    Some asked a while ago how this effects St. Sarah….simple…she is now one of the Kleptocrats who can afford this type of stuff. She is also one of the few hopes for us male whores who do not want to have to bend over for sugar daddy.

  31. hunnybee

    ..and don't forget to soak that wash cloth in denatured alcohol or a good scotch and scrub his privates. if he hollers let him go.

  32. Troubledog

    And then while you're in the bathroom she steals your clothes and wallet, tossing your keys to her waiting boyfriend, they give you the finger as they drive off in your convertible.

    The rest of the movie is you chasing them across America because the car has sixty kilos of coke in a compartment in the trunk.

    Meanwhile the guys that own the coke are after you, because they think you ripped them off. But really you are not a bad guy, you are an ex cop that got framed by the coke dealer to make you do this one last job so you can pay for your wife's heart surgery. Starring Jason Statham.

  33. lochnessmonster

    Are there any SDs left out there? I though everyone was jobless and living off credit cards in their two box refrigerator homes!

  34. MinAgain

    Hey, at least whores get paid. We could be a nation of sluts, which, while entertaining in the short term, is not going to turn this economy around.

  35. BarackMyWorld

    Layne, sometimes your articles are so snarky they are incomprehensible.

    Funny, but incomprehensible.

  36. JackObin

    This nation is resembling the good 'ol U.S.S.R., without the fine historical culture. Oh wait, I forgot American Idle. Take that, Dostoyevsky.

  37. donner_froh

    Nothing says “cheap whore” better than a cheap whore does

    Works for me. A cheap but honest (more or less) whore is a better deal than a despondent Sugar Baby.

  38. EdFlintstone

    The total outsourcing of Amerka will not be complete until we have ads in Chinese porn mags for mail order American brides.

  39. transfatz

    "entice one of America’s rich men into banging you for a small fee, until he gets bored and moves on and you, inevitably, die poor and alone."

    It seemed so awful. Suddenly I became extremely depressed. Then came the happy ending.

    "A lot of times, when he’s choking you, you will regain consciousness later!"

    Oh ken, I spent the rest of my day with a little skip in my step, smiling and humming kumbaya. Thank you for this optimistic and uplifting article.

  40. zhubajie

    At one time, I thought the US might have a future as a sex tourism mecca for east asians. Lots of Chinese people do want to try out a blonde or two. But I think that market has been taken by skinny Russian blondes. Not that many want to try out an American Tubbo. :-(

  41. Negropolis

    A Spitzer is like a Santorum, but only with more women, right? Girls, I'll take a Spitzer, and the young man, over there, will have a Foley.

  42. juliarix11

    Have an STD? you are not alone. Find others with same STD at site named pozmingle. you may be upset and think your life is over. However, once you settle down and learn the facts, you'll realize that having STD is not the end of the world, and it's not the end of your social life.

  43. Negropolis

    That’s right! A lot of times, when he’s choking you, you will regain consciousness later! And if not, you probably believe in God or whatever, so consider it a short-cut to heaven. And if you live? He’ll give you some money for food and rent. [We aren't linking to this site]

    ROTFL

    It's cliche, but the funniest things are the truest things. Honestly, Jack, this is full of all kinds of win.

  44. Negropolis

    BTW, if you ladies don't want to become Subgar Babbies, or whatever the fuck you call them, you could always become distressed Nigerian windower princesses with deceased, wealthy husbands looking for help opening up his buried treasure(s).

  45. Negropolis

    Lastly, methinks we just found Sarah's next career move after she's totally delegitimized as a political figure.

  46. baconzgood

    It was from the ad. She's the nicest, funniest, warmest, and most aerodynamic lady I've ever known.

Comments are closed.