America's Last Hope: Become a Nation of Whores

 
 In this third year of the Great Recession, it's starting to set in for a lot of people that the rest of their lives will be, at best, a grim struggle. From early forced retirement for people who have no financial cushion to retire upon to the tens of millions of jobless younger adults still living with mom and (occasionally) dad, for all but the top 5%, it's just a long hard slog from here on out. That's why more and more new "Internet companies" are based on the model of the whorehouse: Are you a reasonably attractive poor woman who doesn't yet look "used up"? Then you can rent (with your pre-paid Visa card) a dingy room with a twin mattress and a sink from the virtual madam, and then hopefully entice one of America's rich men into banging you for a small fee, until he gets bored and moves on and you, inevitably, die poor and alone.

A website called "Sugar Sugar" keeps sending us these increasingly pathetic/desperate PR emails. For a while, we just grimaced to ourselves and deleted them. Then we sent one to our favorite lady-comedy blog, because WTF. But now, we are forced to bring this "leading economic indicator" to Wonkette, because we're pretty sure this isn't just another vulgar stop on our cultural descent but an actual prediction of American Life for the vast majority of U.S. females during their "reasonably hot years" (12-15) before the industrial-chemical-media-complex diet of Kardashian reality shows, corn syrup feeding tubes, E!, off-brand cigarettes, rendered pork/chicken fat,Abandoned Storage Unit Auction Queensweekday marathons, tattoo ink, Huffington Post celebrity slideshows, DUIs, GEDs and family court appearances transform them into Hoveround-bound SSI recipients.

Because during that brief and crucial window when a morally empty kleptocrat might want to sodomize you in a motel for a few weekends, the important thing to remember is thatmillions of other young ladiesare desperately seeking this income opportunity, too:

2. Learn to say “NO”

Say “NO” more times than you say “yes”—I’m serious babies… Nothing says “cheap whore” better than a cheap whore does. If you become a yes-woman, you become a loose goose… am I right or am I right?

3. Put yourself in the way.

Whether you “accidentally” stand in the path of some unbeknownst sugar daddy warmly smiling with an apology when he bumps into you, or stop a SD somewhere to ask him if you met before, if you cause a SD to pause and really look at you, there’s a better ‘chance’ of that leading into more conversation.

4. Get out of the way.

I know I know, it seems as if I’m contradicting myself, but If you want to win the heart of a married sugar daddy, DO NOT INTERFERE with his ‘other’ life—the risk of him losing his family is enough to lose your number, trust me. He will respect and appreciate the space you give him, usually causing an influx of adoration and attention.

"SD" doesn't refer to "Sexually-transmitted Disease" here, but to "Sugar Daddy."

8. Enjoy any time spent with your SD.

Needs are not met by demands and expectations. If you do not make the most out of and enjoy your time with your SD, it shows that you don’t really value him or his time, and you will get nothing little girl. The best SD relationships have NO DEMANDS, EXPECTATIONS, and are not TAKEN FOR GRANTED. (Note: For every generous SD is a line of bitches behind you who would gladly take your spot for a few hours)

9. Quell that “desperation” devil within you.

Have you ever seen a desperate SB? Not cute.

10. Live like it’s the last day of your life!

Nobody likes a Debbie-downer! Traveling to new places, experimenting with different cuisines, and experiencing non-vanilla sex are all part of living an exciting life. Be open to the next unexpected moment, you just never know where it may take you!

That's right! A lot of times, when he's choking you, you will regain consciousness later! And if not, you probably believe in God or whatever, so consider it a short-cut to heaven. And if you live? He'll give you some money for food and rent. [We aren't linking to this site]