Lamestream media types are always speculating when/if Dick Cheney will club another homeless child to death and then steal his vital organs, so that Cheney will be able to live an extra week. (The media also enjoys asking if Andrew Breitbart likes boys.) Anyway! America’s most frightening former vice president says he is facing “end-stage heart failure” — what normal people would refer to as “death” — unless he receives another heart transplant. Dick Cheney hates dying so he probably will get that 10th transplant. Oh, and then Cheney praised Obama for using flying robots to kill all the brown people in countries nobody has ever heard of. [The Caucus]
- Chinese leaders are visiting the White House today! Barack Obama will ask them nicely if they could maybe stop selling us poisonous Dollar Tree trinkets. [NYT]
- American higher education is completely broken, and thousands of unemployed college graduates are quickly realizing that nobody cares about the “meta multicultural worldview” that they “learned” in Diversity Class. Do not send your children to college. Save your money. [McClatchy]
IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA
January 18, 2011
Will Dick Cheney Thieve ANOTHER Orphan’s Heart?
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{ 158 comments }
Dick Chaney, first artificial heart donor.
I'd rather hear Dick Cheney, first and only victim of the Death Panels.
Yeah, I'd be down with that and I'd even give Sarah credit for being correct just once.
We know he has no heartbeat. I think this is the first stage of replacing his heart with some kind of carburetor, then his blood with aviation fuel, thus allowing him to function as a pollutant in more ways than he is now.
Cheney-bot!
Re: Cheney. Obama can just start another war killing inferior races, that will gladden Dick's heart and add a few more weeks to his life.
I think Dick Cheney is an ancient Aztec god and all the hearts were for him.
Every time a brown child is crying, Dick Cheney is another day further from dying.
I always thought you had to have a heart for it to fail.
(I know that it has whiskers on it but it's still a gem)
Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion
And really feel the part.
I can tell you for a fact that the thousands of unemployed college graduates are applying to master's programs, thus creating an even more educated class of unemployed people in the next three years or so. Socrates, can you spare a dime?
Will deconstruct literature for food!
What is Latin for "Would you like a cart?" or "Would you like fries with that?"?
Dick Cheney: proof that vampires are real, and they don't look like Robert fucking Pattinson.
Cheney isn't EVER going to die–he's as indestructible as Cher, cockroaches & Happy Meals.
To be fair, Cher's longevity probably has more to do with her rebirth after defeating the Balrog.
http://www.troyswoodworking.com/images/blonde%20c...
Wrong! Keeping your kids out of college may save you some money but it will also guarantee that when you're old and you want to talk to them about how cool it is that Cartoon Network has started re-running "Adventure Time" they'll just look at you dully and say "don't this thing pick-up NASCAR races?" College isn't about employment. It's about honing your pop-cultural appreciation skills and your snarking skills. I want my kids to have the best reality-tv deconstruction skills and snark writing techniques that the local State University can give them. Especially the snark writing since that is now the only real form of political engagement.
Nothing worse than having half the family reading Foreign Affairs and the other half reading only the sports section. Every try to talk to someone about sportball because every mention of a political story elicits a "I don't have time to think about that" but they want to talk you ear off about sportball's current rule changes.
My relatives can hate me equally for my dominating knowledge of politics and my acute, up-to-the-minute awareness of all aspects of sportball.
I really am a
renaissance manknow-it-all.I have always enjoyed the poleaxed look on sports crazie's faces when they wax poetic about some team or another and eventually I say "Um, is that football or basketball or baseball?"
It's hockey.
What I wouldn't give to learn that an insurance company said "no" to his next transplant based on a cost/benefit analysis.
You would never say "no" to your best friend in his hour of need. Executive-level scum needs to stick together.
"Mr. Cheney, please sit down. I've reviewed your file. It appears as though all these heart problems are God's punishment. He believes you are pure evil. Since your evilness was a pre-existing condition which you did not indicate on your application, we have no choice to deny you this transplant. Also, there are like a billion way more deserving people. Dead Marlon Brando is further up the line than you. So, take your pick of which reason you'll accept."
"In fact, we've decided to abort you retro-actively. Your mother has contacted us through Jennifer Love Hewitt and she says she's OK with it."
Jennifer Love Hewitt is, indeed, the Sexy Whisperer.
If only he had made this announcement sooner, he might have had dibs on one of the Tucson victims. I heard on NPR this morning that they gave that 9-year old's corneas to someone, and I bet the recipient never committed a SINGLE war crime!
College? The kids college funds were wiped out years ago by the "new" economy.
college funds? you mean student loans?
You mean a grow closet?
If we don't send our kids to college, they'll just be hanging around the house. At least we get a four-year break from that. Plus: grad school!! Hooray!
Damn, I forgot to consider that. They are SO going to college!
Sorry, my daughter is in college and still hangs around, with no move-out in sight.
Start buying food she does not like, replace everything in the house with overly sentimental pictures of her. She will get the hint eventually.
My daughter was still in college at age 24. She got a degree in elementary education and then decided that she wanted to be a nurse. My other daughter, age 23, had a degree in Business and then she decided that she wanted to be a nurse. They both graduated and I stopped the mommy-go-round and asked them to take their degrees and move on. By "on" I meant "out" They both married attorneys and all four are still going to college. I'd post about this problem on Palin's Facebook page, yet she would have no idea how to relate to my problem, lol. She's tell some amusing story about 10th grade, or Brisdull's "senior year" and I would fall asleep.
But now hospitals aren't hiring new graduate nurses without experience – they have been hit by the recession and aren't paying to train them.
C'mon Cheney. You indirectly inflicted death on hundreds of people, so man up and face it yourself.
correction: Directly inflicted death on hundreds of thousands of people.
What you said.
Much like wars, hunger, and fear, death is something for the little people to face. Cheney probably wants his assistant to face death for him.
Maybe Satan is afraid he will be gunning for his job?
Seriously, I expected him to get everything possible transplanted when he was co-pres and commanded a lot of secret dungeons. Waited too late, Dick!
As someone who works at a university, them kids would probably learn stuff if mommy and daddy didn't insist Johnny got an A for just showing up. Or if universities didn't use indentured servitude in the form of adjuncts who work at 2 or 3 institutes, teach 7 or 8 classes and make a mere 4,000 a semester. Or if we actually accepted talented students as opposed to the ones with rich parents who can donate to the new sports complex.
But that's against the American way. Dick Cheney's heart told me so.
i can't wait until our idiot fundamentalist demographic starts homecolleging their broods/litters in earnest.
Liberty, Regency, BeckU… it's all pretty much meh.
The seventeen years old Miss Nebraska, who has moved on to Miss America, is looking to study pre-law at Patrick Henry University.
Yum! Beauty and brains.
There aren't enough thumbs up in the world. My semesterly ritual is to make the first draft of the course schedule, give a last look at how it could be, and then take out about a third of the content.
The adjunct thing is ridiculous, we had to teach our professor remedial linear algebra in an OOP class last semester.
the latest figures are 80% of all undergrads will have 60% of their classes taught by adjuncts.
That's just ridiculous because adjuncts get no support or security; because they teach required courses, students will run into one; and there is no way to ensure the quality of the teaching. But schools get richer and richer…
Sell the books to 3rd world universities! People will read them!
I have mixed feelings about this article on university. On one hand, without my larning, I wouldn't have the teknikal job I have today plus my respect for larnings and helping people through edumakation. On the other hand, we'd have fewer idiot MBAs with art history or politics degrees who took that lack of knowidge/skill/competence to destroy many a company through their, er, "brilliance" such as my former employer.
The company I work part time at will not even look at an MBA without an engineering or sciences degree any more. We got one with an Archeology BA or something that wanted to color code our fucking cubicles, "enliven our space" with live jazz music and take down our Linux posters.
He was walking with a box of his stuff out the door within 3 months.
To be a real archaeologist, you can' t be afraid to get dirt on your fingers, and you do have to know how to get along with people. It's like the military that way.
Speaking of destroying companies, how about a moratorium on these idiot CEO's that nosedive a company into the dirt, and then go on to the next company while dragging along a Golden Parachute? At what point in this country, did we decide to reward epic failure?
When the failures got MBAs.
MBA = Master of Bugger-All
Well, I earn a living with my PhD — but in China. In the US, I was a parking lot attendant, hopelessly sending out applications which were always rejected, even by the Community College of the Marianas Islands — Saipan.
Don't imitate me, though. Most Americans teaching here are hopeless crybabies who die of culture shock, but not soon enough. I do my best to pass for a Xinjiang Muslim.
No deathbed apologies or confessions from Cheney. The good die young, ergo Cheney will live forever by any means necessary. And, if that fails, waiting in the wings, Liz Cheney. Just as evil. Actually, more to be feared. A right-wing gal that GOP men love and she actually has some edumacation, unlike Mama Grizzly.
Back in the days, it used to be most people could be sure to get a decent job as long as they finished High School, which anyone who is not a complete moron (and, you know, doesn't come from crushing poverty) could do.
That changed, and from in the transition from my grandparents' generation to my parents' a college degree became what a high school degree used to be, putting the near-certainty of a good job out of reach for a lot of people.
Nowadays we've gone further, and a graduate degree is basically what a college degree used to be. Even then, in certain overcrowded fields it isn't always guaranteed (speaking as a JD).
Ah, to progress and the death of the American Dream!
Do we get to blame the Negroes for this? Or the Messicans?
I think we used to blame the Mexicans for this one, but now it's the Chinese; by no accounts blame the American corporate overlords who moved the factories overseas so they can pay their workers shit.
The corporate overlords create the jobs! Just not in this country.
Silly, the American Dream is to make millions in bonus money for shipping jobs offshore; then to complain how the government is destroying incentives by taxing it.
One difference between US overlords and Chinese overlords — the Leaders in Beijing genuinely fear their ordinary people.
That's what we get for letting just anyone go to college. Why did we have to offer scholarships and such to those poor whites and minorities?
Proof that liberalsim is ruining this country.
We'll never stay Exceptional if we don't keep moving the goalposts!
That's why Corporate America abrogated the social contract that our parents grew up with. It was so that we could continue to improve*.
*If by "improve", you mean work more hours for less money and never be able to afford retirement.
A bachelors in Engineering or the Sciences is still a damn fine degree to have, anything else is becoming pretty much a joke. I confused a philosophy major the other day about Hegel and Kant on purpose and he went on talking non-stop with the bogus information, making ever less sense as he babbled on and on.
Are philosophy majors like Law school rejects or something?
Um, speaking as a philosophy major and law school grad, no.
In China, if you are a semi-retard of the GW Bush type and you somehow get into a university anyway, you major in Marxist Philosophy. US equivalent? Business? Law? Wo bu zhidao.
OT: If "Eleanor" shows up can we please please ignore him/her? It would be so much more annoying than anything reply we could dish out.
Of course he/she may have been banned, in which case never mind.
I second that motion, and also wish to do the same for the name-changer.
Co-sign. I enjoyed reading comments from Neilist because they were often very clever, sometimes instructive, and there appeared to be a coherent political philosophy behind the snark.
Unfortunately, when he pushed the offensiveness envelope after the Tucson shooting, it crossed the line for some other folks, and led to a positive-feedback emotional catastrophe (in the mathematical sense).
This cosplay reincarnation appears to be an attempt to pull a Palin on Wonkette — to threadjack the entire blog. It's an ambitious goal. I choose not to support the effort, so I won't reply to "Eleanor".
Cheney will always be heartless no matter what they stick in there.
Like I said before… Cheney never had a heart. Besides the article reads more like Sympathy for the Devil anyway…
Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and waste
I’ve been around for a long, long year
Stole two elections and their faith
And I was round when Al Gore
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Scalia
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
I stuck around Washington
When I saw it was a time for a change
Let Enron brown out California
Tom Daschele screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Wore a pretend generals rank
When Iraqi Freedom raged
And the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
Death Panel sez: Thumbs Down for You, Dick!
We need a break from this grim news. Let's have a holiday !
He is transforming into a completely artificial fucking monster that will live forever and can shoot libruls with laser beams out of his eyes. The only way he can receive nourishment is by the hand of Liz, who feeds him little brown children tidbits, occasionally snacking on a few herself
Saw a bit of him on the teevee this a.m., he has all kinds of bionics strapped to his chest now. Life is imitating Darth Vader more and more.
If you see a bright light, GO INTO IT YOU EVIL PASTY FUCK!!!!!!!!! Really, if we're not going to try him for war crimes, there's no reason he needs to stick around. Just die already, dick.
If I learned anything from Jacob's Ladder or Ghost, he will not see a bright light, he will be hunted by demon spirits. EMBRACE THE DEMONS!
I am opposed to violence. May they gently and lovingly dissemble him piece by piece while keeping him alive for weeks. I've expanded upon this is my classic children's tale: Dead With Dick and Jane.
See dick die. Die dick, die.
Vegas now has Obama's Presidency as a +350 underdog to outlast Cheney's life (-400). Although Cheney's prediction of Barry as a one-term president has a lot of Vegas insiders rushing to take Obama at +350 as Cheney's predictions are something less than reliable.
It'll pay for itself.
P.s. I hope you die in jail, Dick.
Yeah, him and Georgie sitting in some Ikea furnished holding cell in the Hague, waiting for a war crime trial that never comes….
As in a Turkish prison.
Right, because as all my nontraditional students who went back to college while unemployed say, getting a job with just a high school education is a real walk in the park.
(And yes, a system that requires people to take on tens of thousands in debt just to get a job that shouldn't require a bachelor's degree and doesn't generate enough income to repay the loan is totally dysfunctional. But I can't in good conscience tell people not to go to college when the outlook for non-college grads is epically shittier. You're fucked if you do and you're double-fucked if you don't, which pretty much sums up early 21st century capitalism).
In all seriousness, some of these kids would be better off learning a good skilled trade. Electricians and plumbers aren't going to be obselete anytime soon, but then I guess no parent dreams of his or her child being a good master electrician.
$100,000 BA from Cornell that I wouldn't wipe my ass with. If I had apprenticed as an electrician or a plumber when I was 18, I'd be a fucking millionaire by now. Skilled trade is DEFINITELY the way to go. Although, I did come up with a pretty good Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire joke the other day, so….
Yeah but it's too much work. Apprentice programs require years of hard work plus classroom work. Not many kids want to go through that.
*Please note that this is second-hand information. I am not a plumber or an electrician but I have heard about the apprentice programs.
I friend of mine told me he hopes his kid becomes an electrician. But he's an electrician himself.
They have plenty of other problems, but I like the Italian system. Most of my Italian daughter's classmates are on the technical school path, and have their lives planned out for them (protesting fees, putting out for Berlusconi, whatever it is Italians do these days). She and a few classmates are planning on continuing on through college. All of them have decent job opportunities after high school, though.
Of course Cheney and Obama both support killing brown people with robot drones. Obama is half-white and Cheney is half-robot.
Apparently Asimov's laws do not apply to half breeds.
Dick Cheney will go great lengths not to be haunted by the Tell Tale Heart.
It's time to allow home collaging.
Since they're living in mom's basement, having her give lectures for credits does seem to make sense
Hopefully that'll cut down a bit on student/professor relationships, although somehow I doubt it. "Gee mom, you're looking sexy by that chalkboard. Can we stay after class and discuss what I can do to improve my grades? . . . "
That really affects resale value, though.
If Cheney now agrees with Obama's war policies, I say give him Obama's heart… he's lost it anyway.
Zah-ha-ha-ING!
*clicks like*
It says on my driver's license that I'm an organ donor, but I want to add a codicil that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall my heart be given to Dick Cheney.
Hey, you never know, your eleetistlibrul heart might make him have a Grinch-like conversion, and he could become a force of goodness, rather than evil. With your healthy ticker, he could last another twenty years, spending his renewed life trying to undo all the spectacular damage he's done.
Or maybe just spend it snacking on babies, old habits being what they are.
Damn, 2 robot related news articles.
To quote imissopus's sage and brilliant comment, JUST DIE ALREADY, FUCKER.
"“Those are all weaknesses, as I look at Barack Obama. And I think he’ll be a one term President."
Careful asshole…we said the same thing about the dude you babysat for 8 years.
Aside from that, given that Satan has already sent the Infernal Welcome Wagon, if I was Cheney, I'd be looking for anyway possible to put off the inevitable.
Just who does the GNoP have to put up to run against Mr. Obama? Talk about a weak bench!
The TeaBaggers and the moderate Republicans are going to be at each others' throats for the next two years. They'll be far too busy haggling with each other to have time to take on our first-rate President.
"Many of the students graduated without knowing how to sift fact from opinion, make a clear written argument or objectively review conflicting reports of a situation or event"
And thus is born a new generation of Fox News viewers.
kritikel tinkin skilz, i haz them
you mean foxnews broadcasters, anchors and chat-people, the Fox & Friends rally, what kind of nasty tea party is that? goons.
Will Cheney get a State celebration, I mean, funeral, do you think?
Instead of parading his boots on a horse through a town a la Reagan, they will parade an artificial heart, thousands of dead Iraqis, and Jack Bauer.
"If you don't have a good resume," Walker said, "the fact that you can say, 'I wrote this really good paper that helped my critical thinking' is going to be irrelevant."
This is why fewer students learn critical thinking: because it's not valued in many fields. On the positive side, 55% *did* improve in critical thinking in the first two years and 64% improved over four years. Critical thinking starts with this article about critical thinking.
Critical thinking should also be applied to all articles at Wonkette, for instance.
Also, 'significant improvement' has a rigid statistical meaning and leaves out the 'marginal improvement' cases by definition.
Hey, the answer to Cheney's problem is right there, before our eyes! He should club Andrew Breitbart to death and steal his heart, its bound to be a perfect match!
As he applied for, and got, 5 consecutive draft exemptions during the Vietnam era, maybe the fitting thing to do would be to stay at a hotel in the Green Zone in Iraq, or near the border of Afghanistan and wait for an American soldier to have his head hit by an exploding device while accompanying a truck convoy on a road in either of those countries. If the wound is mortal, perhaps army surgeons could "harvest" the heart of a young soldier for him.
I thought "organ donations" was why we hadn't closed Guantanamo.
Who needs university? All them kids need to do is memorize talking points from Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and then get full room and board by shooting the opposition candidates.
This isn't a sufficiently critical world? What about the Teatards? Those neo-primitive superstitious fucks are nothing if not critical.
Oh, critical thinking is what's desired, not just ranters.
I'm sending my kid to school to learn science. Through science, they'll figure out diversity on their own.
Now let's talk about these Christian high schools that don't teach science… they also don't teach diversity, unless it's Aeropostale, Abercrombie and American Eagle.
I was watching Dylan Ratigan yesterday and he had a graphic that showed we have a 2.5% tarrif on chinese imports and the chinese have a 25% tarrif on US imports, in whose fucked up mind is this even free trade?
We here in Michigan know all too well about our trade policy. Even worse than the trade policy, though, is their rampant, shameless theft of intellectual property that no one seems to scream about but our two senators. The Chinese have literally been spying on the likes of GM and Ford for decades, now.
So the man who pretty much tells everyone else in the world to suck it, wants us to feel sorry for him? Irony will never die.
Those organs weren't "stolen"–they were paid for.
Should have been executed for treason.
There's still time!
There's a continuous stream of violent talk from libunatics.
Fuck you.
I am unequivocally opposed to the death penalty for any crime (because we have already executed too many innocent people, and because it doesn't deter future crimes).
Life without possibility of parole is the appropriate sentence. And buried in an unmarked grave somewhere in Afghanistan. Or better yet, ashes scattered by IED on the Highway of Death in Iraq.
Dick Cheney is innocent?
I'm not a proponent of the death penalty either, but if one person deserves to end up twitching at the end of a hangman's noose, it is Dick Cheney.
I love it that the libunatics continue to engage in civil discourse. Jared is your fan.
I hope donor has the chance to apologize to Dick.
By my reckoning, Cheney's poor diet — at least thru the first (of how many?) cardiac episodes in the lead-up to the Bush re-count "victory" — & history of smoking should preclude him from receiving an heart. Plus, his age.
But don't tell me a Death Panel told me that; an insurance (private, for-profit) company told me that.
I had an uncle (an MD, non-smoker, fairly well known for helping start a cardiac health foundation) who was very nearly denied a heart transplant because he was 65 1/2 years old. Just a little past the cutoff age at that time.
Cheney's almost 70. Just sayin'
A new heart? All this time I thought Dick Cheney lived on the blood of unicorns.
Let me know when the old bastard Dick Cheney dies. I've been waiting for years to piss on his grave.
You'll have to wait in line. Grab a Big Gulp to suck down before your turn arrives.
Bring your dog, and and a Big Gulp for him, too.
Let me get this straight….
Giving more power and authority to the government to listen in on our phone calls is good.
Giving more power and authority to the gubmint to keep corporations from poisoning us, and banks from taking our money is bad.
Fuck me running.
I can't quit ya, life.
What we should learn after the past couple of years is that you shouldn't send your children to one college. The spawn must attend at least five to get a useful degree, just like that intellectual giant of Jewish history, Sarah Palin.
This is actually a fairly common trope in fantasy fiction (yes, I'm a nerd): the whole point of seeking immortality is when you know exactly where you'll be going after you're dead, and it ain't pretty. Instead, trying to be an immortal vampire, like Dick Cheney, starts to look appealing. Example.
Also, contrariwise, the fact that international war-criminal Dick Cheney is likely to feed on another child's heart to fuel the infernal hollow in his chest for another fortnight, while the good, non-warcriminal transplant-needing poors of Arizona who have never tortured anybody and are in some cases likely to have another good decade if they got their needed transplants are being death-paneled by known tumor Jan Brewer, to save some budget BUXXX pretty much directly refutes the notion that there is a just and loving God running the show, so maybe fantasy fiction is the way to go on this one.
But, hey, whatever, the free market always arrives at the efficient solution, always, because two Cheney-weeks are totally worth the entire lifetime of an actual human person.
Wha? Wait? Andrew Breitbart likes boys?
Rember Riley's own experience getting felt up by the creep.
Survey says….die Cheney, die!
Maybe students should spend each semester at a different college, like Grisly Mama.
Agreed. We are losing part of our heritage, when we don't pass on to our children the wisdom of Beany and Cecil.
And the patron saint of afternoon TV, Soupy Sales.
On the bright side, if Dick Cheney finally had a properly functioning heart, he would finally become a Democrat.
And they're keeping Cheney alive for what reason? I mean, he's already stolen enough loot to keep his wife Lon in frozen waffles for decades.
Clearly, American higher education has been broken since Yale and Harvard awarded degrees to the quite illiterate George Bush.
I never get tired of seeing the new, sicker Dick. Those hollow sunken cheeks, dead eyes, slack jay. Getting close, Dick….Time to die!. I love that he has so much time to consider his options. More and more it's just looking like the long dirt nap, isn't it, Dick? Too bad about the words of praise for Barry. Just what he needs now, from the second most loathed American on the fucking planet.
So, it looks like Cheney rung up his buddy Satan to make his yearly deal to sell his soul, and the Prince of Air told him "no deal." Rumor is he let Satan lease it with an option to buy back in the 70's, so Satan is just coming to collect that which is now legally his.
Better not let your buddies know you believe in Satan. You will be a target of the lefts anti-Christian wackos.
Fuck off.
Another wonderful liberal comeback! 8^)
America’s most frightening former vice president says he is facing “end-stage heart failure”
And that is why he never goes anywhere without his Raptor® pilotless airborne browns terror eliminator and organ combine!
Never seen so many nutjobs in one place.
My prayers are with you VP Cheney.
It is all sportball to me.
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