FLOTUS FILES  12:05 pm January 17, 2011

Michelle Obama Turns 47 On National Day of Laziness/Community Service

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...Today is “Martin Luther King, Jr. Day,” which is a day to remember the life of a special black person — or “socialist Kenyan,” as they prefer to be called these days — who once copied Glenn Beck by giving a speech at the Lincoln Memorial. But more importantly, today is Michelle Obama’s birthday! Our FLOTUS turns 47 today, and she is probably eating a whole-wheat cake filled with spinach right now, because thanks to all of Michelle’s hard work, soon that will be the only kind of cake available in America.

Michelle’s birthday began with an early celebration yesterday, when FLOTUS and family went to worship at the Metropolitan African(!) Methodist Episcopal Church.

On Sunday, the Metropolitan congregation clearly tried to make the Obamas feel at home.

At one point, the hundreds of worshipers joined together to sing “Happy birthday” to the first lady, who turns 47 on Monday.

“I gave the first lady a CD of church hymns for her birthday because in this church we try to make people feel welcomed,” said [Rev. Marie] Braxton, whose husband, the Rev. Ronald Braxton, is the church pastor. “The gift came from my heart.”

Michelle will spend today listening to her “God’s Greatest Hits Remixed” CD and volunteering for a local community service project, and according to an e-mail she sent out last week, she thinks everyone else should do the same. But for those who prefer to spend the day off on the couch, or in bed, like New England Patriots, there are some useless facts about Michelle Obama that you can learn, in honor of her 47th year, made possible by Philadelphia’s “Inspiration Station.”

6. As a girl, she loved her “Easy-Bake Oven”.

23. When she got to Princeton she said the tutors weren’t teaching French correctly.

It is so unfortunate that those Michelle Antoinette rumors have to resurface on our FLOTUS’ birthday. But we love her, no matter how many vacations she takes or American food groups she sends into exile. Happy birthday, Michelle! [WP/Praise Philly]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 62 comments }

Barbara_i January 17, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Happy Birthday, you sassy, intelligent, beautiful, incredible woman, you! I would like to apologize in advance for anything stupid Palin will say about MLK today on Sean Hannity's show. Thanks for your dedication to our great country, Michelle.
someone cue the APPLAUSE sign for her, please.

V572625694 January 17, 2011 at 12:21 pm

You're not really brave enough to watch that confluence of nut-jobbery, are you? Think of your children, if you have any, or that cute little tabby in your avatar.

Barbara_i January 17, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I will not watch it, no. I have a physical reaction when I hear Sarah speak. My tummy will gurgle very loudly. I change the channel as quickly as possible because I don't want to know what my tummy will do next.

EdFlintstone January 17, 2011 at 12:53 pm

You know Sarah is just tone deaf enough to go on Hannity tonight and say she was "lynched".

Negropolis January 18, 2011 at 2:33 am

I'd not be surprise to find that she said that MLK palled around with terrorists/communists/socialists/muslims.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 17, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I second that. You're a clean and articulate woman, Mrs. Obama, and all of us in Unreal America love you.

Texan_Bulldog January 17, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Totally OT but I always thought your avatar was Horseshack from Welcome Back, Kotter. Imagine my surprise to discover that it's a young Anthony Weiner. I imagine neither got a lot of tail at that point in their lives…

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 17, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Nor did I.

jim89048 January 17, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Also, not much Negro dialect, unless she so chooses.

Negropolis January 18, 2011 at 2:36 am

Unreal America is also known as Fantasy America, Undead America, and Epemeral America.

Buzz Feedback January 17, 2011 at 12:14 pm

In America, "day of service" = getting your diabeetus scooter detailed.

V572625694 January 17, 2011 at 12:22 pm

But not too much Armor-All on the seat, or you'll slide right off.

weejee January 17, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Thought they used PAM.

Come here a minute January 17, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Let them eat 40-watt incandescent cake.

_MISS_T_ January 17, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Yay Michelle O is exactly 20 years older than me! She could be my mum if I were a Kenyan muslin sort

gurukalehuru January 17, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Happy Birthday, Miss T!

Barbara_i January 17, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Happy birthday to you! I hope that you had a most wonderful day.

jim89048 January 17, 2011 at 2:38 pm

And 12 years younger than me. Worst birthday evar!

Crank_Tango January 17, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Happy Racism Day everybody! It just seems to get better and better every year!

Also, happy birthday FLOTUS. Please give Barry his balls back whenever you feel like it.

GOPCrusher January 17, 2011 at 1:39 pm

But MLK Jr. was a Republiklan. It said so on the billboard, so it must be true!
On a related subject, Saw on a Yahoo post this AM, that today should be changed to James Earl Ray Day.
* face palm *

MinAgain January 17, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I had no idea the First Lady was a Trekkie.

natoslug January 17, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Oh please. She's a Trekker, not a Trekkie.

(stands back and waits for flames . . .)

MinAgain January 17, 2011 at 1:22 pm

None of that Trekker revisionist nonsense for the First Lady. If she's 47, she's old enough to be a loud and proud Trekkie.

Lascauxcaveman January 17, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Unless you mean, like, long hikes through the Himalaya Mountains?

Lascauxcaveman January 17, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Also, real Trekkies never use the term, but always give themselves away by referring to their Star Fleet rank.

"Hey Bob, howzit going?"

"Ahem. That's Lt Cmdr Bob to you, ensign."

SexySmurf January 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm

45. She has committed each episode of The Brady Bunch to memory.

And they say she hates white people. That's the whitest goddamn thing I ever heard.

Barbara_i January 17, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Nah, you forget that Papa Brady got a afro in the latter seasons.

ttommyunger January 17, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Natural reaction from taking it up the poop chute for so many long, closeted years…Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Barbara_i January 17, 2011 at 8:15 pm

Um HELLO! What about Alice? You can't tell me that she ever saw Sam, the butcher's vein cane. I think that house had more than one closet.

ttommyunger January 17, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Had not thought of that, but you are correct-o.

hockeymom January 17, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Remember when Marcia broke her nose that one time?

jus_wonderin January 17, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Why is it always all about Marcia?

Signed
Jan

Barbara_i January 17, 2011 at 8:16 pm

You just made me crave Ben & Jerry's Marsha, Marsha, Marshmallow ice cream. That stuff is mother's milk to me.

GOPCrusher January 17, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Baby talk, baby talk. It's a wonder you can walk.

Texan_Bulldog January 17, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Oh, my nose! Oh, my nose! Oh, my nose!

LesBontemps January 17, 2011 at 3:29 pm

45. She has committed each episode of The Brady Bunch to memory.

That's reason enough to hate white people.

V572625694 January 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

We need a First Lady who looks like a wealthy oil-dowager, has a vicious tongue, and who is dumb enough be outsmarted by Connie Chung into saying horrible things on the teevee. Ah Bar, we miss you so much!

And speaking of women of color who have achieved great things:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/16/alyse-ea

SudsMcKenzie January 17, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Closet Lurker January 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Michelle's birthday is being celebrated in all 60 states.

weejee January 17, 2011 at 12:28 pm

State of Confusion at the top of your list?

Barbara_i January 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Wow, Burger King gave you the day off today, Closet? Was that because they celebrate MLK's birthday or because you got suspended for 3 days for being a dickweed?

MozakiBlocks January 17, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Why don't you go play in traffic?

di_da_is_alpha January 17, 2011 at 3:47 pm

No, it's only 57. Or is it 58? The dumbass said 57, but I don't think he was counting the state he was in at the time.

LesBontemps January 17, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Can't you remember any history at all? It's all 61 states, dumbass(es):
http://today24news.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07

PublicLuxury January 17, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Michelle will nevar be able to compete with the Babs. Michelle doesn't even have a fetus-a-jar in her pantry. So on this colored man's holiday make sure you take stock of your canned chidren and rotate them.

SorosBot January 17, 2011 at 12:36 pm

And here today is just a a day of being annoyed that it seems like every other office in this city except where I work is closed.

jus_wonderin January 17, 2011 at 12:52 pm

We are working today too, but we make those super violent video games that incite the shooters so every day is a work day here at Satan's workshop.

Sophist/Glock Palin January 17, 2011 at 12:38 pm

…the Metropolitan(!) African(!!!!) Methodist(?) Episcopal(?!?) Church(!!!?!??!!!&$%!)."

?

Hera Sent Me January 17, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Fact 48: Michelle could easily pick up Glenn Beck by the legs and use him to beat Rush Limbaugh to death.

Fact 49: If it weren't for Michelle, Barack would be Mayor Rahm's special assistant for apologizing to people offended by cursing.

Fact 50: Michelle secretly feels sorry for Trig, for him having to grow up with a special needs mother.

102415 January 17, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Poor Trig what is he up to today? Is he old enough to club fish ? Or more important is he old enough to go clubbing?

EdFlintstone January 17, 2011 at 12:49 pm

#48 Has a mean left terrorist fist jab.
#49 Ended the television career of Larry Johnson

An_Outhouse January 17, 2011 at 12:58 pm

For National Day to Help the Poor People, I volunteered to pick up the mail for a local non-profit. Guess what? The PO is closed today! Its a conspiracy.

102415 January 17, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Happy Birthday Michelle enjoy the bacon and eggs! I'll have the cake, put some bacon on it please.

jim89048 January 17, 2011 at 2:43 pm

23. When she got to Princeton she said the tutors weren’t teaching French correctly.

Proof that she's from the dusky side of the Camelot Dynasty.

Lascauxcaveman January 17, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Has she done the Jackie-O Dior-stewardess-uniform-with-pillbox hat thing yet?

I'm working up a sweat just thinking about it.

Mariecohn January 17, 2011 at 3:53 pm

HB, Mrs. President! May you have many more, and celebrate 6 of them in the White House you call home. [APPLAUSE]

finallyhappy January 17, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I made food at a shelter this morning. Why can't Michele and my Kenyan Muslin Overlord do their community service with me? I would have brought a cake for Michele – please tell her that for next year.

Barbara_i January 17, 2011 at 8:19 pm

I appreciate your service to your fellow man and that you aren't all talk. I'll buy you an oats soda and a burger anytime you are town. You are a blessing.

politics_nerd January 18, 2011 at 12:44 am

Happy B-day you sexy … Michelle!

Negropolis January 18, 2011 at 2:49 am

12. She was assigned Barack’s mentor when he came to her Chicago firm for a summer job.

You know, this has always been a part of the couple's narrative, but every time I see it, it feels like new and tickles me to this day.

V572625694 January 17, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Really. It should be prosciutto, the effete junk food.

facehead January 17, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Hard to say what compelled you to take my comment seriously.

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