- Good morning, here is your news: Alleged Arizona massacre gunman Jared Loughner “photographed himself posing with a 9mm handgun while wearing a red G-string,” according to law enforcement people who actually saw this photograph, before removing their eyeballs with a spoon. The photo was discovered in a roll of film that Loughner had dropped off at a Walgreens store. Meanwhile, Loughner’s trial has been moved to San Diego due to “extensive pretrial publicity,” so some lucky jury in California will probably get to see “Exhibit G: Suspect wearing red G-string, holding Glock with extended magazine.” [CNN]
- CONFIRMED: Jews did the computer worm! [NYT]
- Starbucks has created a new Drink Size, the 31-ounce “Trenta,” which is Italian for “kill yourself.” [Reuters]
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Doesn't just about everyone have a photo in a red G-string and Glock?
He must have been hoping Michael Mann would make the movie version of his life.
I don't look good in red. My FB profile is me wearing a green teddy cradling my Smith & Wesson M&P.
Nah, some of us only have "stars-n-stripes" bikinis and rifles…..
Obviously, since the g-string was red, this proves he was a commie librul.
Or a big fan of RedState.com
It's funny it'll get twisted that way, even though time and time again it's those repressed conservatives that get caught up in kinky shit like this.
The 'Trenta' is an attempt by the evil coffee conglomerate to get us hooked on corn syrup flavored coffee.
"The photo, which has not been made public"
Incontrovertible proof that God exists and, although he may not necessarily care about us, He really, really, absofuckinglutely does not want to see that picture.
God has her ways of making her presence known.
"The photo, which has not been made public"
Yet. But if the photo would generate income, say in a new diet program in which you have to look at that picture for 30 seconds prior to each meal, it will make its public debut eventually.
I'm sure some Tea Bagger is masturbating to a similar image right now.
My faith is restored! I will go forth and bless god for all the unbelievably awful things that don't happen everyday.
Give it a week or two. This shit'll be in the Star of the National Enquirer before you can say John Edwards.
Starbucks can make up its own fake names for drink sizes all they want, I'm still calling them "small, medium and large" or for this caffeine-shakes inducing one "extra large".
I'll just keep ordering two 16 oz. cups. That extra ounce is worth it and it keeps both hands occupied.
Same here. Pretentious coffee sizes makes me grumpier than not having my morning coffee. I always ask for a small and let them translate it to the snobby tall which makes no sense at all.
My daughter tells me that Starbucks has an actual small size they do not put on their menu board. I think it's called "short," and is appropriate for normal human nervous systems. You have to know what to call it if you want it.
Fortunately my nervous system is abnormal, I always order the large when I get Starbucks. Which is pretty much only in airports since every other coffee I have bought at BWI tastes like it couldn't pull a sailor off its sister.
I too always ask using the real sizes; most of the Starbucks clerks will just get what I ask for, but there have been a few who react passive-aggressively with a loud, "OK, I'll get your venty (or whatever) coffee)", offended that I don't use their bullshit fake sizes.
"Trenta" is Italian for "will induce stroke".
Of course it;s as "Trenta", it would be too 7-11 to pour a quart of coffee flavoured milshake.
OT I worked a concession stand last fall and had a teen ask me how big the 32 ounce drink was, I said " it's a quart" he looked confused.
I'm having trouble wraping my mind around that one. That kid will be a CEO of somthing some day.
Maybe he was just Canadian. I've met Canadian teenagers who don't know what an ounce is (much less a quart) and think a 'pound' is a British currency unit.
"Starbucks can make up its own fake names for drink sizes all they want"
Kind of like the fake name "economic stimulus." You know, the one that had to be passed so that 500 million Americans didn't lose their jobs each month.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8hMJVXt09E
Freaky Tucson shooter is freaky.
The Joooooz are sending worms through the intertubes! I just knew it! Jooz are controlling EVERTHING, even the weather.
And shark attacks.
True Fact!!!111!!
http://termid.wordpress.com/2010/12/20/news-jews-...
Not to mention Scarlett Johansson.
How long before by Jack Stuef makes a series of Blingees with said photo and posts them on the innertoobz?
~
It's "Freunt Stuef" now.
http://wonkette.com/435298/something-called-a-rei...
And a reprise of the Hamster Dance, perhaps?
He was drunk for the Michael Steele hamster dance blingees … he might need something stronger than alcohol to a) look at the red g-string picture and b) make a blingee out of it.
Sometimes morning in America makes me feels scared and I hide under the bed for at least one hour.
Not to worry. You have the NRA to protect you.
He used a roll of film? Do they even sell those anymore? As for the thong unders, I think Jared was a wee bit more kinks than vanilla, if you know what I mean.
It's semi-rural Arizona; I guess they still have film cameras there.
Actually, I don't know what you mean, but I laughed, anyway, because it's how I hide my ignorance.
Nervous laughter is the best laughter.
Is it wrong that I find the most disturbing part about a psycho real life Travis Bickle with a gun is the bit about the red G-string?
Even Charles Manson is sitting in his cell thinking "Dayum, this dude is nuts!"
I'll believe in the photo after the birf'ers certify its authenticity.
Hey wonkette overlords, if you post the photo, can you make the alt-text:
"Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard."
G-string sales in Az increase for fear that congress will soon ban them.
As part of the Assault Weapons Ban, yes.
Judging by his need for self exposure, out-sized reaction to normal life disappointments and affinity for "extended magazine" equipped hand guns I'm guessing that Jared's G-string size would be something like the inverse square of a Trenta.
As for the gimungo coffee. Should call that the "La caffeina drogato"
I've got an idea for a movie script. It's about a guy who walks into a Starbucks and orders a large coffee. And the "barrista" (Italian for contemptible hipster whose latest job application for a managerial position at McDonalds was recently rejected) insists he refer to it as a "Venti" (or whatever the fuck they call a large coffee at Starbucks.) But out protagonist refuses, insisting that he wants a "large." So the "barrista" makes a subtle gesture toward his fellow "barristas," one of whom sneaks up behind the protagonist and whacks him on the head with a percolator. Our hero then awakens in an abandoned warehouse, strapped naked to a chair. Then the "barristas" start ti smack him on the balls with chains insisting that he utter the word "Venti." Still, our hero refuses valiantly and defiantly, until he manages to break free of the poorly tied knots, wrestle the gun away from one of the "barristas" and drown them all in an extra-large vat of boiling coffee, all while yelling "I said I wanted a LARGE!"
The End
If "Stuck in the Middle" is on the soundtrack, you have yourself a hit!
"Percolator"?
What is David Lynch doing? Maybe he could resurrect the Eraserhead guy (Henry Spencer) for the lead.
David Lynch needs to make a cartoon or something for Showtime.
One character tweak: While the barrista himself is certainly contemptible he is also full of contempt because his latest job application wasn't to McDonalds but rather to Cornell's Lit Studies dept. for an Asst. Prof. position and he lost the job to the slovenly spouse of one of the Tenured Profs. who was selected by the hiring committee just so the Tenure Prof would stop whining about how her brilliant, if fat, husband can't get a good position teaching his theories on the philosophical import of Rush/Yes/Jethro Tull lyrics. So, you know, the torture isn't really about the word Venti but about the inherent injustices of the American Higher Education system. Which makes the whole thing sort of a metaphor for the Bush presidency.
Hmm, bitter, much?
No self-respecting barista would be caught dead using a percolator. They would be honor-bound to use a Bodum Santos Stovetop Vacuum Coffeemaker, or at leaast a French press.
That was boner-inducing.
So your magazine's extended now?
Only if our hero is played by Pauly Shore and instead of large, he calls it a Bladder Buster.
The number of times I've been 'taught' about coffee from a starbucks employee is countless. Well, it happens nearly every time in the US at least -everywhere else there seems to be some tolerance.
I think the latest schooling, which happened in Boston, (besides the regular 'large' issue which I insist on) was that iced Americanos cannot be made and that is an inappropriate request. My local Starbucks in the ferrign land has no problem with this request.
Anyway, I don't know why I should really care – this is the place you can request 'wet' or 'dry' drinks. Kind of like dry ice if you ask me.
Show me the G-string pix or STFU. Call me twisted, but I want to see everything. Hell, I'm on Erik Erickson's email list. Evil? Stupid? Bring it.
Are you also into self-flagellation? I mean, there's hard-core and then there's outright masochism.
If he shaved his head and eyebrows, did he shave anywhere else? Show the photo, we need to know.
Yeah, you're a masochist, alright.
31 oz? Cool, enough to share with the whole office and still get so hyped up I can deal with our modern "pace of business"; which is now set to i7 quad core with a FSB of 2ghz. Not exactly ergonomic for the average human brain is it? Ah, I remember the old days, push the on button and you were guaranteed at least a 5 min break before old Bessie the 286 was ready for her first human input.
It amazes me that the only people that our computer upgrades have so far increased productivity for is the programmers. Everyone else is still churning along at the same pace they were 10 years ago, only now the meetings are all in Powerpoint, oh wait they were back then as well.
Living in the San Francisco Bay Area, for the past several months I've read and seen far too much about a red g-string (aka, Aubry Huff's SF Giants "Rally Thong").
Perhaps some good will come out of the Tucson Tragedy. Mental health help for those who need it, realistic and practical gun regulation, more public civility, the self-inflicted demise of Gov'Nuh Palin and no more red g-strings. On men, anyway.
Of the things you list, I think no more red G-strings is the most realistic.
In Arizona for instance if you collect Medicare you are automatically not eligible for any mental health care program. Only if you go through the state system, which restricts you to only anti-psychotics and other stupor inducing pills can you get mental health care. Anyone, including senior citizens cannot receive any mental health care program if they are on Medicare without supplementary insurance.
Arizona is the only state that operates like this that I know of. Where the state only allows its own poor person insurance AHCSS or whatever access to mental health care programs like job training, counseling and the like.
That is just insane and disgusting. Welcome to your utopian, libertarian Eden, you teabaggers.
"Magazine"? I thought it was called a "package".
Those of us with multiple shots have magazines.
Glocks und cocks is as
AustrianAmerican askaffee mit schlagsupersized appalling pies.OT
I must share when a talking head gets beat up.
http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/heather/snl-d...
This will be brought up in trial. So, what will the proper term for "male camel-toe" be? Anyone?
Damn, if moose-knuckle wasn't already taken, that would've been my suggestion.
Junk Division?
An Italian-language version could have the guy insisting on calling the 31-ouncer a trentuno instead of a "trenta".
It is good for us than that Italian is a dying language.
That's soooo out of style. Doesn't he know here on the East Coast when taking a photograph with a Glock you wear low cut bikini briefs.
Have you people learned nothing from the outrage of the SNL fake commercial for the "Triple Trac" razor that was entirely ridiculous ("because you'll believe anything"), but came to pass in reality with the Gillette Mach III just a few years later?
Save your horror for the Ochocinco eighty-five ounce coffee drink, debuting 2015, with a spokesman ready to hit the ground running.
Wouldn't that be "…hit the grounds running?"
Not an even quart or an even liter, but 31 ounces? Is there some cultural or religious significance to this? Is Starbucks beyond our petty measuring systems?
They are seeking the moral high ground of the original Baskin-Robbins.
G-string?
Thats nothing compared to Todd Palin's mama grizzly fur line jock strap.
Did the people who founded Starbucks name their store after the angel that led the children of Kobol to Earth 150,000 years ago?
Who still brings "film" into a drug store to get their pictures developed?
Wait….those stories on the magic box aren't true? Those people are just actors???
oh man as if being a walgreens employee wasn't bad enough.
Having seen the offending photo, I can attest to two things: 1. It is more a Speedo than a "String" ensemble. 2. Apparently having been told to insert a potato to impress the ladies, Jared was not bright enough to intuit that it should go in the front rather than the back of the Speedo.
Unfortunately, Riley, it is still Mourning in America.
Outlaw G Strings. But not red ones.
Franklin looks simply dashing in his.
The shade is Harvard Crimson, of course. (They were sold of out of Communist Martyr High School RED.)
Cordially,
Eleanor
Oh fuck, yer back.
"Oh fuck, yer back."
Is that the Barney Frank position?
HAHAHAHAHA! What wit!Actually, thats your moms position when I give her that good liberal love.Typical republican, obsessed with anal sex. Try rentboy.com.
Quoting Firesign Theatre?
I cry blasphemy Madame!
And harrumph also!
I can't get wee-wee'd up over a g-string.
Of course you can't; you love that shit. BTW, you can stop following Neilist around and sucking his dick in every thread.
Shouldn't you be elsewhere huffing jenkem right now?
Everyone knows that you don't wear a G-string with a Glock. You wear tassels with a Glock.
They make testicular tassels?
Nuts Nutz
I think Starbucks needs Italian for Dummies. Why would you call a 31oz. drink the "30"? Trentuno, you coffee cunts, not Trenta. Your marketing strategy doesn't make up for your inability to count in Italian.
If the g-string doesn't fit, you must acquit!
The Starbucks by my house is a primary destination for used car salesmen, tow truck drivers and construction workers. The whole faux "eye-talian" theme is just a marketing gimmick to make customers feel more classy and sophisticated when ordering coffee (while giving snobby "Baristas"/college dropouts/career failures some dignity and sense of entitlement by allowing them to correct the mispronunciation of cup sizes). But at the end of the day, no matter what size you order, it's still awful, over-roasted and overpriced corporate coffee. If you have the option, support your local coffee shop instead.
I've never ordered anything but plain coffee for years and this Xmas I tried some sort of Pumpkin Latte at my local shop, Stumptown. Fuck it was disgusting, it was like drinking warm ice cream, how can people glug that crap down every day?
Is that from the Guns & Ammo calendar? "2011 Banana Hammocks 'N' Glocks" I think.
Moved the trial to San Diego because excessive publicity in Arizona would prevent it from being "fair." Sure, because nobody in San Diego has heard anything about all of this.
I've yet to be called for jury duty since I moved to San Diego 2 years ago. Of course this means there is a 110% chance that I'll be called for this one. I wonder if they'll excuse me if I tell them I have an outsized fear of hairless crazy fucks in red g-strings…
I think if they find out you have a Wonkette account they will excuse you from all future jury duty as well.
Ha, that's my plan. And, telling them I'm a gay gun-loving Teabagger on thorazine and haldol. I have been in San Diego for a year now and do not want to be called to jury dooty.
OK, I admit I love the doggie picture. Embodiment of "Do not want" indeed.
Haven't been back to the good old U.S. of A. for a few years, so I don't know if this is still true or not, but they used to have the same thing at Denny's. They called it "free refills."
Please, Wonkette, never post that photo.
I beg of you
Or at least put it 'under the fold'.
.
Oh, just great.
Now I have the scene from 'Silence of the Lambs' running in my head with Loughner as the unsub filming himself in the mirror whispering breathlessly "Would you shoot me? I would sooooo shoot me."
Gahh. Pass the brain bleach, please. Quick!
What's the over/under on this dude's monthly budget for Jackyl themed Vajazzle?
This is the 2Girls1Cup of political humor.
Also, if "Black Swan" has taught us nothing else, it's that no film is so confusing or depressing it can't be improved by a carpet-munching scene.
A new reason I'm glad I don't work in the photo development department at Walgreens to add to the list!
Just stay away from Starbucks; I only go to places where I can get black rum in my coffee.
Put the lotion in the basket and the hooker in the closet!
STUXNET in a red g-string as the new spokesvirus for Starbucks.
Good times, or best times ever?
If nothing else, at least the most interesting times.
This will be beyond embarrassing for all of Arizonians: someone in their state is still using a film camera! Oh wait, digital cameras must be some kind of conspiracy, right?
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