sure fine whatever

Blah Blah, Sen. Mike Lee Wants Child Labor Legal Again, Blah Blah

What a boring Friday! Why is that Loughner kid not doing anything crazy? There are so many reporters there in Tucson, ready for him to lick a bailiff. What are we supposed to talk about, each vote in that RNC election? Meh. Or that the new Utah senator says the ban on child labor is unconstitutional? Fine.

Yes, Mike Lee put this video up on YouTube last week. He was giving a lecture, just like a real professor of not understanding the Constitution. Even Antonin Scalia doesn’t agree with this narrow definition of the Commerce Clause (that it more or less means nothing), Think Progress says, and the decision he cites was unanimously overturned by the Supreme Court after the Great Depression, which, coincidentally, showed commerce restrictions were sort of necessary, kind of, you know.

Not that any of this matters. The Constitution doesn’t matter. The only thing the government should do is force women to carry fetuses in their bodies until they’re babies and give rich people money. As the founders, of Godfathers Pizza, wanted. [Think Progress]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. PsycWench

    Ah, the long-pause-and-rapid staccato-mumbling lecture style of those who know they are way out of their knowledge zone.

    1. HoyasFan

      I'm sure Mike Lee forgot to mention that Hammer v. Dagenhart was overturned by US v. Darby.

      Damn you Supreme Court! Damn you to hell!

    1. doxastic

      Because if there's one segment of the population that's weathering the Recession with ease, it's people without high school educations.

  2. Buzz Feedback

    If everybody in Utah put their kids to work the income of the Mormon church would skyrocket.

    1. BarryOPotter

      I think you just figured out his angle, "…and he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for that pesky Buzz Feedback. Drat."

  3. SexySmurf

    Oh, that new Utah senator says the band on child labor is unconstitutional.

    Does that mean Menudo was unconstitutional?

    1. OhNoGuy

      "A Band of Little Brothers" brought to you by Hallmark. Newt the Newt (a real histry perfesser) and this balding sack of shit.

      They train for the factory, they go to the factory and they WIN for the factory. They were truly the greatest generation.

      TRIUMPH!! TRIUMPH of the Will! (See how I didn't violate that unwritten Internet Law?)

  4. Terry

    "Oh, that new Utah senator says the band on child labor is unconstitutional. Fine. "

    BAN on child labor, as in not allowing it. Not BAND on child labor, which would either be a strap of some kind or a bunch of guys playing instruments which would be just plain creepy.

  5. chascates

    Michael Steele drops out of the RNC race and endorses Maria Cino according to TownHall.

    NYTimes has it too.

    1. prommie

      Damn. Or should I say "Holy Mackeral, Andy!"? I truly will miss that total bozo. Its a shame, he won't be the one that gets to say "quittin' time" any more.

      1. GOPCrusher

        I'm sure we will have an extended stint as a Fox News Political Analyst to look forward to hearing his pearls of wisdom.
        Kind of the conservative version of Juan Williams.

    2. SmutBoffin

      Damn. The end of an era.

      An era of booze, lesbians, and the street-level charisma of Mike Steele.

    3. weejee

      Maria Cino also enjoys the blessings of Agent Orange hizself Mr. Specious Boner. That said, after the 5th ballot she's jumped 11 from 29 to 40 votes, while the ballot's fearless leader Reince Priebus dropped 1 from 58 to 57. Wingnutter Anuzi moved into 3rd place picking up 8 votes from 24 to 32. Wagner stayed the same at 28. 85 is the magic number when cheese fud confetti will drop from the sky and the Rethugs will start chanting "Wash, Spin, Reince", "Cino Evil", "Anuzi Snoozie" or start humming "The Flight of the Valkyries" depending on who gets elected to clean-up Vitter's Depends.

      1. V572625694

        Sounds like someone had almost tee many martoonis before writing this fine Joycean ramble. Excellent!

    4. aqua_buddha

      Wasn't she the one who confessed, in a pitiful, days-of-wine-&-roses response, that her "favorite bar" was …. "I dunno, sitting around at my kitchen table" … ?

      This could be a hidden blessing, in a kind of cheri-oteri / joe-the-biden kinda way. Whersh my lipschtick ….

  6. SorosBot

    Good, because my coal mine's been having trouble since some of the tunnels are too small for adults to fit through. These are kids from Appalachia, they don't have a good future to look forward to anyway so what's wrong if they get black lung before they're 20?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      And you know if they're all stunted and skinny from malnutrition (praise Palin!) they'll fit better and be useful longer.

    1. Terry

      Do you think the children would work any harder than the mother? Born and bred grifters, the bunch of them.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      I think this whole thing is just to head off any criticism of Palin due to her not paying her spawn to appear in "Alaska's Sarah Palin."

      Because you can be damned sure that there is no minimum wage (or any wage?) proposed for these tiny employees.

  7. Tundra Grifter

    This is the first time I've heard anyone call Herbert Hoover a Progressive.


    What happened to those weak Articles of Confederation that granted most political power to the states? Why did we bother to replace that compact with the United States Constitution?

    And if labor and manufacturing are "local activities" – how does he explain General Motors, the Ford Motor Company, movie companies that made movies, distributed movies, and showed those movies in company theatres (is there still a Fox or Paramount Theater is your town?)?

    If the states were going to make child labor illegal, why was Federal legislation necessary?

    He is also the first person I've heard heard say our American system is "designed to be harsh." Other than that 3/5ths thing about slaves, of course…

    1. gvvt

      Well, back in 1776 they foresaw, in the infinite wisdom, that we would become a soft, mollycoddling nation of Nazis who would try to sneak through laws about child labor. Kids are only about 2/5th human most of the time, anyhow.

      Although somehow, I don't think the Founding Teabaggers were debating whether this Constitution thingy they were drafting was sufficiently HARSH. Melting pots aren't fuckin' hot tubs, you know.

    2. imissopus

      Way back in the 1950s there was actually an anti-trust case that resulted in all the movie studios having to divest themselves of ownership in theaters and theater chains, the idea being that Fox could screw Paramount by never booking any of Paramount's movies in Fox-owned theaters or charging a giant percentage of the box office take.

      The studios are still required to limit the hours children can work on a shoot, and also require they hire tutors so the kids don't have to give up their educations in order to be Mommy and Daddy's meal tickets. Presumably Mike Lee would like to eliminate this regulation. After all, look at how many child stars become non-functional adults, so it's obviously doing more harm then good.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      The reason a Federal law was necessary was, ironically, because when states did it the Court struck it down because of the impact it placed on interstate commerce in the narrow sense of the word. Although they'd occassionally let a restriction on child or women's hours through a bs loophole about welfare that was really about limiting women competing in the workforce.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        BB: Reading the decision and the dissent, apparently there was a previous Supreme Court ruling upholding the Federal law that prohibitedthe transportation of women and girls across state lines for immoral purposes.

    4. OhNoGuy

      With all the stupid it was easy to forget the "progressive Hoover" remark, although it was tres jarring when I first heard it.

      I'm guessin' that Jefferson Davis was some namby pamby middle of the roader by this guy's lights.(But his last name is LEE!!!)

  8. edgydrifter

    Club For Growth and AEI conditionally support this, provided it's tied to the repeal of the federal minimum wage and the dissolution of OSHA. You know, for prosperity!

  9. prommie

    Ayn Rand, and the cult of selfish assholes, and ideology of "I got mine, fuck you" savagery she established, has attained way way too much respectability in this society for my comfort. I think I shall be opening the Gin bottle early today, and I am going to get into the Hendricks, too!

    1. fuflans

      i bought my dad a bottle of hendricks last year for some random thing and he's actually forgiven me for being progressive.


        1. Negropolis

          Are you a woman? Because if you are, that's like the Victim Olympics gold medal. If you're a half-black Jewish lesbian, the world explodes.

    1. aqua_buddha

      I think we can all see that it is desperately trying to victimize Little Trig for his blameless entrepreneurial prospects, arriving sooner than he may expect, you betcha.

    1. emmelemm

      Yesss! A history joke! I was a history major in college.

      I award you all the p-points of my heart for the day.

      1. AKbum

        Slackers indeed. Burning to death on the clock. Fucking lazy commies. Hey, man. They didn't HAVE to work there. So glad the Free Market fixed all that.

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Yes, they didn't even finish their shifts. I have an entire book on the Triangle Shirtwaist fire. It is just maddening to read as the Republican mindset today is identical to what it was then in regard to worker safety. And let's not forget Senator Jackass, who would have those workers on the clock at age 6 (or younger? he wasn't specific). Ah, I better calm down.

    1. SorosBot

      I didn't know that pointing out when someone says something horrible it's demonization; I thought that was, you know spreading lies about someone, like say making up a story that someone is not really a US citizen or saying, when a someone's friend commits suicide, that they actually killed their friend. Or using misleadingly edited videos to slander a good organization and claim they were helping pimps evade the police. That I thought was demonization.

    2. doxastic

      Wait, I thought we were supposed to be Simonizing the opposition! Now what the fuck am I supposed to do with all these shammies?

    3. SmutBoffin

      Don't mind if I do…



    4. imissopus


  10. Jukesgrrl

    Clearly, we won't be contributing enough to the deca- and hectomillionaires until ALL members of our families are working for their slave wages, not just moms and dads.

    "Little Joshua, I said, 'Wake up!' It's time for you to go and shine Mr. Marriott's Krugerrands!"

  11. coolhandnuke

    Boy, this guy is really out of touch. I hear he's pushing for Gary Coleman and Dana Plato to head the state's Child Labor Board.

  12. SorosBot

    Let's bring back the debtor's prisons and workhouses while we're at it, too; tonight we're gonna party like it's 1899.

    1. doxastic

      When "Are there no workhouses?!" is a legitimate question to be asked, something has gone horribly awry.

    2. prommie

      The GOP thinks "A Christmas Carol" is the story of Scrooge's moral downfall; if only Scrooge had more faith and courage, he would have stuck to his convictions, and wouldn't have turned Commie.

    3. ChessieNefercat

      Shhh! The bastards will hear you.

      Never mind. It's not like they haven't already thought of it.

  13. bflrtsplk

    Just say anything. Faux News will amplify it and enough people will believe it to keep talking about it. If it backfires, blame it on "the Left."

  14. baconzgood

    I agree!!!! We've been outsourcing our child labor to China and Paraguay for far toooo long damn it!!!!! We can't fall behind on the child labor gap.

    1. natoslug

      Condoms, IUDs and a decent spermicide would also be effective in the fight against crowded classrooms. Although they also guarantee you a spot in hell, so I guess repealing child labor laws is the Christian thing to do.

    2. Oblios_Cap

      Think of the money we could save. it's not like the little fuckers are learning anything in school, anyway. Thinking only causes them to lose their faith in Jebus, and we can't have that.

  15. LesBontemps

    Whew! Now we can do away with that pesky Fair Labor Standards Act, not to mention the Equal Pay Act, the Age Discrimination in Employment Act, the Americans with Disabilites Act , Title VII of the Civil Rights Act and the National Labor Relations Act, returning us to the economic stability of the 1880s.

  16. prommie

    Or is this a Mormonish thingie? They all have like 40 children, is he thinking of how much money would be rolling in if he sent all his kids to the sweat shops? Is this really about keeping all your bitches on the street?

  17. Steverino247

    Somebody's really upset about our comments today or they don't understand what we do here and think we really mean the shit we say. Down thumb me, you bastard and I'll sic my four followers on you! (It was four, right?)

    1. Beowoof

      I was writng on the Regan was an old Alzheimers patient thread when I saw my pee points decline. So the pee bandit is loose on Wonkette again, searching for more pee.

  18. PabaBritannica

    I've always thought the downfall of freedom started the day they said "hey, do you realize that things made in one state can be transported to another?"

    1. SayItWithWookies

      You know how I get around that? I tell the kids I'll give them a recommendation, and then when one of their potential employers calls I say I wouldn't hire them. The sweet innocent things have NO idea.

    2. OhNoGuy

      I think you don't understand, a lot of boys went to the mines, factories and fields to help Dad. They were not paid, they helped him keep his job.


      1. marinmaven

        My grandfather was one of those boys and eventually developed the black lung.

        Also, children who ran wild in the streets in the 19th century eastern cities were taken custody of, put on trains, and childless farmers would take them in as farm labor. Kids would be put on crates so farmers could see what they were getting, thus the term "put up for adoption."

        Newt was the one who suggested that we should take children away from the poors and put them up in orphanages until he found out expensive they were to run.
        Republicans seem to have this fetish for a world out of Dickens where people are darkened by soot, work in dangerous conditions, and people are sent to debtors prison and poorhouses. Their new chairman's name is something that Dickens would pick.

    3. DashboardBuddha

      "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got a raise at work. The bad news is now I'm your supervisor. Well…that's good news for me."

  19. real_dc_native

    Makes sense to put the little ones to work. It's not like spending years in our crappy public schools is of any value anymore. Then we can close the schools and we can cut property taxes on the giga-millionaires' estates. (as we should).

    1. baconzgood

      HEY ONE TRUE IDIOT!!!! WHY YOU GOTTA BE A PLAY-A HATE-A. I'm still new here, you have to be gentle.

  20. PabaBritannica

    We can get rid of college financial aid, knowing that our kids can start working at the age of 5 to save up! There's no excuse!

    1. Beowoof

      And no need for them to know anything other than how to run a sewing machine or toilet brush. That thinking shit just clutters up their brains with ideas of right and wrong and such.

  21. smokefilledroommate

    Certainly a 'Fuck Children' platform won't go over very well with Cath– oh, wait it's Utah, nevermind.

  22. LionelHutzEsq

    More importantly, does anyone see a ban on child prostitution in the Constitution anywhere?

    If the GOP really wants to build a majority party, this will surely be their next cause, uniting the Teabaggers like Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck with the Pedophiles like Rush Limbaugh and Mark Foley. They would be unstoppable then!

  23. x111e7thst

    How about putting Mike Lee to work. Sweating off a pound or two might do this asshole some good.

  24. SilverFox

    Oh haha he was a a clerk for Alito. The Fair Labor Standards Act passed two decades after. Get over it.

  25. __kth__

    For some reason this video reminds me of your average pigfucker evangelical who never graduated high school but whose theological debates with fellow tongue-speaking morons are punctuated by the phrase "in the original Hebrew".

    1. aqua_buddha

      There is something distinctly similar to thumping Bibles and thumping Constitutions.

      Whilst enlightening the populace as to the dangers of believing anything other than what you are saying, while you're thumping.

    2. Beowoof

      There is a complete lack of the ability to think on the part of these uneducated dickwads who call themselves preachers. I read a sermon by one whose lack of knowledge was stunning. Irrelevant and obtuse connections and logic that would be found in most pre-schools was ignored.

  26. Radiotherapy

    What about kid robots?
    Is he down with that too?
    I'm waiting for Wonkbot TSA-1138's response.

  27. skaboomizzy

    Child labor is already a fact of life in Utah. A major credit card company hires 18-year olds to work their massive call center near Salt Lake City, and my employer used to screen the job applications. Dozens and dozens of kids who just turned 18 had worked five, six, seven jobs since they were 14. If you call into this card company and are relieved that you have an "American" on the line, odds are it's some high school kid working nights for money to spend on… well, whatever Mormon kids spend money on. Magic Underwear, I guess?

  28. MinAgain

    I've seen the way my 9-year-old nephew treats his action figures. I don't want him anywhere near the controls of earth moving equipment or deep fat fryers.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Oh sure, coddle him all the way to being some sissified nancy-boy. You don't need 10 fingers or 2 eyes for every job, you know.

  29. Tundra Grifter

    It comes as no surprise to this reporter that Mr. Lee failed to get the facts correct.

    The decision was 5-4. Mr. Justice Holmes, dissenting [joined by Mr. Justice Brandeis]
    "The single question in this case is whether Congress has power to prohibit the shipment in interstate or foreign commerce of any product of a cotton mill situated in the United States in which…children under fourteen have been employed or children between fourteen and sixteen have been employed more than eight hours in a day, or more than six days in any week, or between seven in the evening and six in the morning. ..
    "I should have thought that the most conspicuous decisions of this Court had made it clear that the power to regulate commerce and other constitutional powers could not be cut down or qualified by the fact that it might interfere with the carrying out of the domestic policy of any State….
    "The act does not meddle with anything belonging to the States…when they seek to send their products across the state line, they are no longer within their rights…Under the Constitution, such commerce belongs not to the States, but to Congress to regulate."

    1. Beowoof

      You are confusing these hillbilly, hick, asshole, Mr. Potter wannabes with facts. Most of them have no idea of what the constitution says or means.

  30. sportshort

    What do you mean the Loughner crazy boy isn't doing anything crazy? You ain't read the story about him posing for photos in a red g-string with his sexygun against his bewtocks that was intercepted by the peoples at Walgreens, where asshatchet took them to be developed? Dang. Well, look around Wonkers, you'll find it. Suriously. Here's a link.

    1. marinmaven

      I am not going to click on it. I think someone on Wonkette coined the term in regards to that midget who would be a miniature Hillary Clinton on the Youtubes, "There are things, once seen, cannot be unseen." So, true.

      I have no doubt that in America, a mass murderer will not only practiced with 9mm since high school, have a creepy smiling mugshot, and have a picture of himself in a cross-dressing, gun-loving pose that was somehow found and kept by some minimum wage employee at a drugstore. This is America, all things are possible!

      I read something about this on HuffPo and immediately navigated away for fear they will probably have an oversized version of it on the front page, because that is the crap they pull because they have no sense of decency. Blood libel, I know, but its the truth.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      That even got the old man's attention and he normally ignores the news, when I'm not around, to act superior or something. Between the NPR news and switching from porn to wikipedia every time I walked through the computer alcove, the old man had a busy night.

  31. weejee

    This weenie Mike Lee's argument is so unbelievably circuitous. Clearly, Mikie knows circles very well, so it's likely he has frequently been called to eat the cookie.

    edit: seems the trolls are taking exception to this Wikileaking about their cookie parties.

  32. DonnyKerabotsos

    Given the events of the past week, I'd like to propose that anyone whose first, middle or last name is 'Lee' should undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

    1. SorosBot

      Being named after a slave-owning traitor who is one of the more evil people in American history yet somehow admired by many probably means someone's parents were more than a little fucked up.

      Though the rule should be amended to anyone white; we shouldn't sweep up Chinese and Koreans for whom the above does not apply because of linguistic coincidence.

  33. twogoats

    This argument could also help out the unfairly beleaguered owners at Massey Mining, what with intrusive gummit inspector types giving them shit about the safety equipment wasn't working before the explosion. Where in the Constitution does it say you gotta put that expensive shit in a marginally profitable mine? Huh? I didn't think so.

  34. ChrisM2011

    Well this is excellent news. I considered giving up on my dream of finding the remaining Sankara Stones but now it looks like it's alllll gravy!

  35. Beowoof

    Well that is because knowing shit is Nazi and Gay. We all need much more common sense as Sarah reminds us regularly.

  36. Redhead

    That's not fair, Jack.

    He only wants child labor to be legal in certain industries. Like filming pornography, brothels, and rentboy websites. And only the male children, not the female.

  37. ttommyunger

    Mike Lee, pussyfart extraordinaire, started work at an early age himself, sucking Orrin Hatch's tiny goober. So, he figures it didn't hurt him any, why not have everybody start work at the age of eleven?

  38. VaWyo

    Those polygamist men don't work at all. Instead they live off the welfare of their "wives". But that isn't enough anymore with the bad economy and all. So now the kids have to work too.

    When they die they will all live together on their own planet, isn't that what they believe (this part isn't talked about much on Big Love, so I'm not sure). I don't think there is a ban on child labor in space Utah either. Poor kids.

  39. fuflans

    mr fuflans and i just rewatched 'blade runner'. though no five year olds were involved, this seems pertinent somehow.

  40. V572625694

    I was thinking of that when he said, "Yes, there were some disputes about a national bank, child labor, but the country wasn't destroyed." Until it almost was.

  41. DustBowlBlues

    I suppose now we can begin the race to the bottom, like ND's and a couple of those little bitty states back east that all blend, you know–the ones who adopted zero regulations for credit card companies and banks, respectively. I'm assuming that Oklahoma will be ahead of the pack, making child labor equal the age of the child legal. You know: 12 years old, 12 hour shift, etc. Next will come selling medical insurance across state lines and the race begins again. After major surgery, if at least 60% of the bleeding from the incision is stopped, the patient is good to go.

    Only the Teabag can save us.

  42. gvvt

    Wikipeida: "The ruling of the Court was later overturned and repudiated in a series of decisions handed down in the late 1930s. Specifically, Hammer v. Dagenhart was overruled in 1941 in the case of United States v. Darby Lumber Co., 312 U.S. 100 (1941). The Court in the Darby case sided strongly with Holmes' dissent, which they named "classic". They also recast the reading of the 10th Amendment, regarding it as a "truism" that merely restates what the Constitution had already provided for, rather than offering a substantive protection to the States, as the Hammer ruling had contended."

    That "truism" was, in fact, the sense in which James Madison introduced the 10th Amendment: "Perhaps words which may define this more precisely than the whole of the instrument now does, may be considered as superfluous. I admit they may be deemed unnecessary: but there can be no harm in making such a declaration, if gentlemen will allow that the fact is as stated. I am sure I understand it so, and do therefore propose it."

    "BUT THERE CAN BE NO HARM IN MAKING SUCH A DECLARATION." Golly, they sure couldn't foresee the country they were creating.

  43. SorosBot

    The weird thing about these idiots who want to go back to the Lochner era is that it was an aberation; prior to the 1890s, the Court had an expansive view of the commerce clause and ruled against many challenges of economic regulations that claimed they went beyond interstate commerce, and the New Deal era repudiation of Lochner was really just a return to the original view.

  44. Negropolis

    Children of the corn, if you will. Even the imagery of the nickname "Beehive State" has Stepford connotations.

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