annie get your funds

Sarah Palin Taking Blood-Libel Show On the Road With Larry the Cable Guy

This is the cover image of Chinese textbooks on America.Sarah Palin has learned she can get a lot of attention from liking guns and such, and that is going to continue on JANUARY 29 in RENO, NEVADA, as she addresses the SAFARI CLUB INTERNATIONAL GUN SHOW! Unfortunately, the event, a “dinner & auction” (you can bid on guns AND eat them!), is already sold out. Who else is going to be there? Why, the Marshall Tucker Band, an Elvis impersonator, NASCAR team owner Richard Childress, talk radio host Michael Reagan, and, of course, Larry the Cable Guy. Isn’t it strange that Larry the Cable Guy and Palin have never appeared together before? They seem like a classic double act. Maybe she’ll use such an historic occasion to announce she’s running for president. Of crosshairs.

Here is a video tour of last year’s show done by a couple of gun dorks. It seems like this is a more authentic version of a furry convention, plus you can buy guns in addition to having sex with the dead animals.

It’s easy to see why Sarah Palin can’t understand how she could be linked to gun violence. Guns aren’t for shooting at people. They’re for providing public speaking fees.

Anyway, great timing. [The Hill]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      I believe it's 'Git 'er done' (I know cuz it's on the back of pick'em up trucks all over town)

  1. SharifDelMonte

    Yeah, but at events like these, the backstage buffet is usually pretty weak. She's the real victim of bad catering!

  2. johnnymeatworth

    Wow, they're like a Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn for a new generation, except completely untalented and stupid….

    1. DustBowlBlues

      True story: In 1972 (74?) I was doorbelling in Norman, OK with a candidate for the legislature named Duane Draper (more on that, later). We were among an early version of McMansions and I went up to a house that he said was Conway Twitty's. No one was home, but Duane said no biggie, the guy had to be a Republican, even if he was smart enough to make it through the registration process. (Name AND address. That's demanding, people).

      This Duane was married to a woman named Cleta Deatheridge. She didn't change her name because, at the time, she was a femimist. They divorced, he moved to New Engand, had a nice, liberal job and died of AIDS. She went to law school, was elected to the lege as a Democrat, married a banker named Mitchell (changed her name that time) whose ass was indicted during the Penn Square bank scandal.

      This was Cleta's Tom-Delay-meets-pesticide-regulation, come to Jesus moment. She became a serious Republic, got a job with the term-limits dickwads, presumably to up her right-wing cred and now is the bitch who represents the NRA.

      I hate her.

      And that, children, is my Conway Twitty story.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        They were the Huffingtons of Oklahoma.

        Or maybe the Huffingtons were the California Drapers.

    2. crybabyboehner

      I would venture to say that Mr. Conway Twitty got considerably more poontang than Larry ever dreamed of.

    3. alanwillingham

      Since you seem to delight in rejecting our president's call for civility rather than these egregious personal attacks, from what I understand from liberals, that would make you a racist

      1. EdFlintstone

        Actually it's usually the watermelon, fried chicken, monkey, witch doctor joke emails that we receive from our conservative friends or coworkers that make us think you're racists. Or it's the actual racist signs we see at teabagger protests. But you're probably OK I'm guessing because you know a black person.

      2. AutomaticPilot

        One of the first rules of civility is to actually refrain from violent rhetoric. Once "we" accomplish that, then maybe we'll address name-calling.

  3. SecretMuslin

    Huh, who would have guessed that Larry the Cable Guy and Sarah Palin were cut from the same white trash cloth? Burlap, I suppose…

  4. Come here a minute

    Sarah's main reason for going to the gun show is not the speaking fee, it's the chance to pick up one of those glock thingies with the lots of bullets — that's what makes this country great. Pew pew pew pew, indeed.

  5. Fox n Fiends

    Mike Reagan, June 10, 2008: "How about you take Mark Dice out and put him in the middle of a firing range. Tie him to a post, don't blindfold him, let it rip and have some fun with Mark Dice."

        1. DashboardBuddha

          having a hard time getting my head around "famous surveyor". Are there trading cards or something? What did he measure in his rookie year?


    1. Sparky_McGruff

      That's not violent. When a "conservative" talks about shooting someone, well, that's just "entertainment". Those are the rules, boy!

  6. LionelHutzEsq

    Won't someone get the women a decent vibrator so she can sublimate her desires in a more constructive manner?

  7. comrad_darkness

    She's going to be a little crimped trying to avoid gun euphemisms in that speech.

    Too soon, Saint Sarah! Too soon!

    1. genxr

      She can still use the same speech she's always given, just follow every single sentence with the phrase, "No, not literally."

  8. yellowerdog

    The reason they've never appeared together is clear – he's her SECRET IDENTITY. I've not shared this before because I did not wish to be accused of blood libel.

  9. freakishlywrong

    That sounds hellish. And it's sold out. You could almost just use any image from any bagger/RNC/gunshow interchangeably; it's the same group of ig'nant hillbillies at all of them. Shrill Baby, Shrill.

    1. ttommyunger

      Actually mostly non-tattooed trailer trash at these clusterfucks. Tattoophiles are putting the fifteen bucks toward their next tattoo, or Meth.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Agreed. The people that usually attend these events, like to be able to say "No" when the police officer asks "Do you have any tattoos or other identifying marks?"

  10. mereoblivion

    Sarah heard this was the place where she could realize her lifelong dream of guns AND butter. She also thought she could get away from Todd for a while, till she found out who her costar's gonna be.

    PS If alt-text is true, why don't they stop coming over here and stealing all the slots at Stanford that used to be reserved for us?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      The PRC doesn't send many students to the 'furd (or Cal for that matter), and the ones they do are under strict orders to ignore our barbaric cultural influence while they study cellular engineering or medicine. Most ethnic Chinese in college are from Taiwan, Hong Kong (wihich is still semi-autonomous) or Southern California.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Has the NRA announced yet that their next convention will be in Tucson? I'm just guessing, based on their previous strategic moves.

  11. CapeClod

    Just about the only way I would listen to either Sarah Palin or Larry the Cable Guy is if you put a gun to my head.

    1. alanwillingham

      If you're really convinced guns are talking to you, please provide a name and contact info, and we'll have someone come out and make sure you're on the right frequency

  12. baconzgood

    "Maybe she’ll use such an historic occasion to announce she’s running for president. Of crosshairs."


    1. tiredalways

      And what exactly do you mean by, "Except for Palin"? I thought Hillbilly Hollywood squares would not be complete without Ms.Tundratard.

  13. LionelHutzEsq

    Here are Sarah Palin's prepared remarks:

    Ah hello everyone. Achtung. [the last few standing people take their seats] My name is Sarah Palin and I'm the President of the Blood Libel Fan Club. Ah thank you, thank you. I'm happy to see that all of you.were affected by blood libel like I was. Now, we all know why we're here, and I believe we all what needs to be done.

    But, I think it's best we don't talk out loud about it until we have most of them on the trains heading to the camps.

    Thank you, thank you very much. Now, in order to do what we all know needs to be done, we are first going to need more support. I think we should all go out and take at least one other person to see The Sarah Palin Show on TLC.

    Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing, if you know what I mean.

    1. baconzgood

      "When der Sarahr says we never will be slaves
      We heil, heil, but still we work like slaves
      While der Sarahr brags and lies and rants and raves
      We heil, heil, and work into our graves

      When der Sarher yells I got to have more shells
      We heil , heil , and so we make more shells
      If one little shell would blow her right to hell
      We heil, heil, and wouldn't that be swell"

    2. Negropolis

      What is this? Some kind of Walmart/Convention Hall Putsch, or some shit?

      BTW, if anyone of Larry the Cable Guy's fans knew how he actually talked, they'd faint. Daniel Lawrence Whitney is a college-educated (though, he didn't graduate) Nebraskan with a put-upon Southern accent milking these fools for all they have. He's laughing at them all the way to the bank.

  14. HolyMaracas

    Oh, man….I could think of a million different snarky things to say about this 2011 Wingnut Bitchin Camaro Fest , but it's just too easy of a target!

    1. BarryOPotter

      Between them I can't tell which is the more theatrical stage persona.

      Mr. the Cable-Guy, without the slightest doubt: he knows he's acting.

    2. tiredalways

      I think Larry the cable guy will resent that :) For all I know, he is just playing teatard on stage, he ain't one of them in real life.

  15. edgydrifter

    If there's a place in the world where you can hunt humans and get away with it, somebody at the SCI convention will take you there for $50K. These guys are the original Thrill Kill Kult. Big guns + big money = Palin will be able to buy a whole friggin' subdivision for Bristol with what she hauls in from this crowd.

  16. Serfville

    Anticipted blather:
    "Guns don't kill people, people kill people"
    "You can take my assault rifles away from me when you pry my cold dead fingers off the RNC's designer clothes stash."
    "Boy that lone wolf kid was really crazy, scizophrenic, bipolar,narcissistic, multiple personality disorder,librul, insane in the membrane (fill in your own diagnosis)

    1. Radiotherapy

      that lone she-wolf was really crazy, sociopathic, narcissistic, multiple personality disorder, insane in the membrane (fill in your own diagnosis)

      It's that kind of inflammatory rhetoric that will not be tolerated on this site any longer, unless you want to be downfisted.

    1. __kth__

      Firefall was the remnants of Gram Parsons' backing band (also had Michael Clarke from the Byrds (ok, like the drummer was generally the most irrelevant member of the Byrds, BUT STILL), so DON'T EVER SAY ANYTHING BAD about Firefall.

      But general point taken.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        This has got to be the most winning musical chastisement in the history of win, EVER. I bow to your superior knowledge.

    1. x111e7thst

      Ted Nugent just beats the griz to death with his huge penis. Why can't these two losers do the same?

    2. alanwillingham

      Grizzly hunting is not like cutting down asparagus and bamboo shoots…. they tend to fight back

      1. DashboardBuddha

        So? Fight fire with fire. Bear has teeth and claws, you have teeth and fingernails. Get 'er done, ya big pussy.

      2. lulzmonger

        Only three posts at Breitbart's sites but TEN here?
        Your clickthroughs are much appreciated. But STFU. No, really.

    3. OneTrueLiberal

      Must you advocate murderous violence toward helpless members of America's bear community? Imagine how upset and fearful those poor Ursus arctos horribilis are due to your thoughtless and unfeeling comments.

      Please refrain from such inflammatory language in the future, lest you provoke members of the TrueLiberal community to leave their parents' basements and trek into the wilds of Alaska, intent on killing such endangered members of Nature's Wonderland with a large Starbuck's latte or equally lethal device.

      Bears have rights, as do all living creatures. Well, except for "human beings" of less TrueLiberal stripe, of course.



  17. __kth__

    Just a lolapalooza of ersatz rusticity. I guess there aren't any real rednecks left since Junior Samples died.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Excellent. Really, really excellent. And apropos to the Coen brothers having a new, western movie at the multiplex.

    2. alanwillingham

      I am forwarding your insensitive and inappropriate remark to the race of people who properly own it so that you can be publicly shamed by Keith Olbermann in front of his dozens of viewers ; )

  18. DerrickWildcat

    This will be a perfect endeavor for Sarah to distance herself from the accusations of incendiary rhetoric.

    Haha just kidding. She'll just tell all the gun nuts that NOBAMA wants to take their guns from them.

    1. GOPCrusher

      In her defense, they probably had this gig booked before last weekend, and if she hadn't already cashed the speaking fee check and spent all the money at the Wasilla Dollar General, she probably would cancel her appearance.
      Nah, who am I shitting? She'll use it as an opportunity to point out how the whole tragic event affected her life.

  19. Kidneys4Sale

    Well, seeing the two of them in the same set would make me want to eat my gun. So maybe I belong at this thing?

  20. horsedreamer_1

    Larry the Cable: after Ben Nelson, the second best reason to hate Nebraska.

    I'm not too keen on Cornhusker football, either.

  21. Ancient_Hackery

    Oh, the irony.

    Larry is a educated guy with a dumb-hick schtick.

    Palin is a dumb-hick with a "qualified-to-be-anything" schtick.

    I suppose it's more entertaining than to have people just be themselves.

  22. ttommyunger

    I draw some pleasure from this news knowing that Billy "Wrong Way" Kristol and Patrick "Seig Heil" Buchanan are soooooo fucking jealous of Lardass "No Talent" Larry.

  23. alanwillingham

    The revealing fact is that if liberals actually believed harsh rhetoric was the reason the conservatives they target with their hateful diatribes would dash out and begin shooting their critics, they might show some respect to our president and not do it

  24. natoslug

    Judging by that video, the convention is basically a scaled-down Cabelas. Wouldn't she make more money screeching at the real thing?

  25. weejee


    Steel yourselves Wonketteers, Steele is in 2nd place after first ballot:
    Priebus – 45
    Steele – 44
    Cino -32
    Anuzis – 24
    Wagner – 23

    note: no provision to remove the lowest douche after each round

  26. alanwillingham

    This just in !

    MSNBC is demanding the remaining Beatles be tried as accessories to the Manson Murders… and Jodie Foster is expected to seek legal council before Olberman starts ranting about her and John Hinckley

      1. darleenclick

        Brilliant reply!! Wow, can I subscribe to your newsletter.

        oh… that's sarcasm. You seem to be missing that gene along with the irony one.

  27. Eve8Apples

    You know who else has/had a big hard on for guns? Jared Loughner, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinckley Jr., John Wilkes Booth, James Earl Ray, Sirhan Sirhan, Mark David Chapman, and the kids who shot-up Columbine High School. So Sarah should fit right in because there's nothing she loves more than palling around with terrorists and assassins.

  28. Extemporanus

    Isn’t it strange that Larry the Cable Guy and Palin have never appeared together before? They seem like a classic double act.

    Yes, they're both multi-millionaire, one-note entertainers who make a very healthy living cynically aping the countrified colloquial speech patterns and mannerisms of the Real 'Merikans who unwittingly (or worse, willingly) make up their retarded army of rubes.

    EXHIBIT A: the real Daniel Lawrence "Larry the Cable Guy" Whitney

    NUMBER 2: the real Sarah Heath "Sarah the Dumb Cunt" Palin

    I done rest mah case, y'all!

  29. MrsBiggTime

    Later, after a so-so time at the slots, Sarah made her way back to the Merle Haggard Suite at the Reno Circus-Circus. The elevator doors were just closing when she hear a voice "Whoa!," and a hairy, large arm reached in. "Mind if I ride along, miss?"
    She tried to stifle her gasp, peeing herself just a bit. "Why Larry… of course."
    The next morning she propped herself up on one elbow while Larry finished a warm Budweiser he'd left on the coffee table. "You gonna call me?" she cooed.
    "Yeah, probably," mumbled Larry. He looked her over in the morning light, then quickly left the room.
    January, 2012. Wasilla Observer reports the birth of Mopar Palin.

    1. tiredalways

      Only one problem, the Palin tradition needs the boy's name to be started with 'T' so may be Tarry Palin :)

  30. BlueStateLibel

    I sense a decided downward spiral here with working the gun show…next up it's the Star Trek convention, Mary Kay, etc.

  31. coolhandnuke

    I hear Joe the Plumber will also be there. He'll be offering free wingnut tightening and pipe cleaning for the ladies.

  32. NorthStarSpanx

    That picture only reveals that it was her lazy eye being the culprit of her four missed shots of that hapless Caribou. Wonder what the perfect specimens of NRA will think of this flaw?

  33. EdFlintstone

    Maybe Sarah can show more of her Annie Oakley like talents like she did on her on show where her dad had to chamber the bullets for her, and she missed the standing deer like 4 or 5 times.

  34. Sassomatic

    Video removed by user. What the fuck.

    Sooo… you think they're gonna let the press come in and photograph Sarah waving guns around? That gotcha media, always capturing stuff she actually does and says and showing to to people.


    How was that joke?:
    Sarah Palin, an Elvis impersonator, a NASCAR team owner and Larry the Cable Guy enter an Irish bar…

  36. ChessieNefercat

    I have a question. Is giving thumbs down to trolls a point of pride for them? In other words, should they be ignored or thumbed down?
    Thank you.

    1. Katydid

      I say completely ignored, not down-thumbed, not responded to, not read. I don't see the point, but I understand the temptation.

  37. Gorillionaire

    They were gonna book that old "Where's The Beef?!?" lady but someone pointed out that she had died.

  38. BisforBrainiac

    I would never even attempt to make sense of the shit either of these people say. But I have it on excellent authority that Larry the Cable guy is a Democrat. I hope whatever he earns for participating in this train-wreck it's worth his self-respect.

  39. darleenclick

    Congratulations, Lefties … sexism, racism, and cultural supremacism coupled with moral idiocy, historical ignorance and gratuitous hatred. Your parental units must be so proud.

  40. genxr

    Then, in an ill-advised effort at reaching across the aisle, President Obama makes a surprise appearance…

  41. JackObin

    Couldn't they at least have added Richard Dawkins to the Palin/cable clown duo? I'm sure those crowds would love to hear about how there are no gods and stuff.

  42. Negropolis

    Guns aren’t for shooting at people. They’re for providing public speaking fees.

    Bringing da noise and da funny, Jack.

Comments are closed.