'alex trebek sucks'

Wonkbot Will Take Its Terror To TeeVee’s Jeopardy

I lost on Jeopardy, baby ....Big news on the technology front: A computer or some kind of Roomba or who knows is going to fight humans on teevee’s JEOPARDY! All of America can finally get back to the business of America, because using a strange kind of 1980s computer technology, people and robots will finally battle while that theme music plays. If this keeps up, we’ll have health care reform repealed (by the House only) in no time!

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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119 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    Could you imagine Pamela Lee Anderson, Pauly Shore and Sarah Palin on Jeopardy!? "In what aspect, Alex?" *crickets* Pamela, "I'd like AUTHORS for $200.00, Alex" Alex, "This person wrote a book, Going Rogue?" *crickets* Sarah mutters under her breath, "I dunno, I never actually met them"

      1. Barbara_i

        Whoa, Sarah Plain spontaneously combusting on Television? That would draw Superbowl ratings. I just saw that Obama's memorial speech drew 33 million viewers. Time for Todd to whip out the abacus and do the math to show Sarah how many times more viewers that is more than Sarah Palin's Alaska.

          1. natoslug

            It's also the punchline to a terrible blonde joke. As the keeper of a 10 year old and 14 year old, I've been subjected to a lot of terrible blonde jokes lately.

          2. ttommyunger

            b is next to g, guessing he meat to say "gazillion". Should be no "ouchy's" in that vicinity, only "oooohhhy's".

    1. Negropolis

      How about Anna Nichole Smith, Zell Miller, and a late model Dyson vacuum cleaner, you know, the one with the ball and the proper amount of suction?

      1. Barbara_i

        Yeah, love that Dyson man. Millions of dollars later and he can't find an orthodontist. It's like Bill Gates, the man is worth 21 billion dollars, yet a decent haircut must cost 21 billion and one dollars.

  2. SorosBot

    Can a robot do better than Cliff Clavin? "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen", indeed.

      1. Barbara_i

        I really enjoyed that blast from the past, thanks for posting the link. I miss the days when television had to be intelligent and funny to survive. I believe that reality television is to entertainment as Facebook is to relationships.

        1. SorosBot

          Reality shows have just been the death of entertainment. There really hasn't been anything good on network TV except on NBC's Thursday Night; but based on the ratings no one is watching anything except for The Office, which used to be great but has turned to mostly crap in recent years. But oh, the "Indian people talk weird" show has done well, much better than the infinitely superior 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation and Community.

          1. Crank_Tango

            at least thursday is "must-see TV" again. Looking forward to parks and rec returning…Also, Sunny on FX.

          2. Barbara_i

            Steve Carrell (sp) is leaving The Office and they are talking about who would make a good replacement. I say, just let the show end and not jump the shark.

            30 Rock is an amazing show. Someone on another website, a Palin supporter, said that Tina Fey is not funny and is untalented. She said of Palin, "Why do we call her Governor? They didn't change the name of Dairy Queen to Tina Fey, just because I worked there one summer" I related that joke to my sister, a Palin fan and she said, "I don't get it" No, you don't get it and you never will.

            I've just discovered Boston Legal and I need to set my recorder to snag these shows for me.

          3. SorosBot

            Sadly, I think it's far to late to not let The Office jump the shark; it's been mostly crap for two years now. But 30 Rock and Community are still awesome; as was P&R, which started off as just a copy Office, with Leslie Knope being basically Michael Scott with breasts, but in its second season it really came into its own, so when it finally comes back it should be good.

            (Also: last season gave me a giant crush on Aubrey Plaza and I really want to see her again).

          4. Barbara_i

            Aubrey Plaza is dazzling. I love Rashida Jones, the daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton (The Mod Squad) She was wise to make the jump from The Office to Parks and Recreation.

          5. horsedreamer_1

            Not necessarily in your case, but I would suggest neither The Office nor Parks & Recreation is transcendent, let alone as funny as claimed, only that one came before the other, & the tendency of the people who titter at the works of Judd Apatow, Adam Mc Kay, et. al., is always to be grasping at what's new & should well be popular/hip. Consequently, of course, Parks & Rec will seem, at this stage, better than Office; if they're largely the same show, just a slightly different case & setting between them, though…

            … Then again, I thought Funny People was abominable. So, I don't know funny. (I watch TBS.)

      2. smokefilledroommate

        I forgot all about that! Ranks up there with Jim's driving test on Taxi as far as memorable sitcom moments go..

    1. bflrtsplk

      Cliff: How come Sammy gets all the babes?

      Norm: He doesn't spend all day peeling dead skin off his elbows?

      Cliff: You gonna do it for me?

      1. GOPCrusher

        Sam: How's it going, Norm?
        Norm: Sammy, it's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

      1. Negropolis

        He totally gave in to the man. He used to be such a bad-ass rebel, a regular James Dean, if you will.

        1. Barbara_i

          Yes! My late night posting resulted in a loss of 1 p-point, whatever that is. I should have been in bed, reading a book. I have "Uncle John" readers that forgive my dyslexia and don't mind when I roll over on them and crease the pages.

      1. Angry_Marmot

        He's a Canadian rebel. Think of them as the relatively sane upstairs neighbors; I don't know how they stand the noise coming from downstairs. And the crazy lady at the end of the hall, also.

      2. smokefilledroommate

        I was a total Jeopardy dork when I was thirteen or so, and I remember my father pointing out that Trebek was Canadian–this from a man that eat, slept, breathed and had earlier in life played hockey.. Reverence? who knows. Perhaps he was weirded out by a daughter that actually wanted to watch Peter Jennings after Jeopardy.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Hey, Trebek! I've got a joke for you: An owl goes into a bar…I forget the rest, but your mother's a whore.

  3. MiniMencken

    What happens if the andie experiences 'droid rage while on the show? I wouldn't want to be holding a lot of Tyrrel Corporation stock if that happened, know what I mean?

    1. Barbara_i

      Don Pardo gives them a case of Rice-a-roni and we all pretend that it didn't happen. It's the "San Fransisco treat" ya know.

    1. Barbara_i

      Only in a beard growing contest. Slow her "blood Libel" video down and look at that mustache. The Wasilla Wal-Mart needs to stock an Epilady.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Kudos — that's an insult that might cut her deeper than any remark ever made about her politics.

    1. DoktorZoom

      I remember Art Fleming. Ad Don Pardo, whose "Jeopardy!" work is what got him the SNL job in the first place.

      He's still no Karl Kassell, though.

  4. Radiotherapy

    Wonkbot TSA-1138, a few questions tonight:
    1. Have you been drinking, sir??
    2. If so, what do robots drink?
    3. Where is your birf certificate?
    4. You would not foment violence, right?
    5. Could you have Ken post something about Alan Dershowitz?
    6. Do you have a girlfriend?
    7. Do you like radios?
    8. Do you have any idea where elpinche is?

  5. OneTrueLiberal

    Dear Wonbot TSA-1138:

    Please allow me to apologize for the disrepectful comments made about you by my fellow members of Wonkette.com.

    As I am sure you can appreciate, such vehement attacks contribute to the rising level of incivility in this Great Nation, and make it virtually inevitable that another nine-year-old girl will be brutally murdered in front of a Safeway.

    I also appreciate, more than most, how difficult it must be for you . . . given that you are more intelligent, have a better personality, and express yourself better than 99% of those who post in here.

    But then, the same could be said of Franklin's wheelchair. Or one of those newfangled electric toasters, powered by the TVA of which my husband is so justly proud.

    Cordially,

    Eleanor

      1. DoktorZoom

        Maybe you should marry that thing because you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? Well, I won't let you! –GLaDOS

    1. Crank_Tango

      Dear Eleanor,
      I am deeply offended by your comment that the wonbot expresses itself better than 99% of the posters in here.

      I think we all know that there is no remaining 1% that can do a better job than said wonbot, so please retract your insensitive, irrelevant, and racist, there I said it, racist, statement.

      Sincerely,
      Crank

      1. OneTrueLiberal

        Dear Mr. Crank:

        I am mortified that my post may have offended you, a fellow TrueLiberal.

        If I may offer a defense, it would be only to state the obvious truth, as demonstrated by the recent posts in here, that virtually everything offends the TrueLiberal.

        Particularly facts. And logic. And reasoned analysis. And avoidance of bathos, And anything outside of the herd-like consensus of Conventional Wisdom . . . .

        Cordially,

        Eleanor

        1. Oblios_Cap

          The only thing offending me is the drivel you keep posting.

          Thanks for trying; don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

        2. TheHigherSpread

          You're right. It takes a bold determination to regress to 19th-century dogma. I applaud your drive.

    2. imissopus

      It's adorable the way you keep trying to write jokes. Keep on keepin' on, little camper! You're bound to reach the top of that mountain someday!

      1. OneTrueLiberal

        Dear Imissopus:

        Thank you for your kind words. As you know, however, I am "officially" married to Franklin. And then there's my "special relationship" with Lorena HIckcox.

        But even though I belong to others, I will still work toward "the top of that mountain" that we both share: World Socialism.

        (Although I recently heard that "mountaintop" had been integrated? Is the neighborhood still safe for TrueLiberals?

        As you know, we perfected the best way to adapt to the influx of Negros into the Northern cities from the 1930s onward: We all moved to the suburbs, where we could be White TrueLiberals together!)

        Cordially,

        Eleanor

      2. OneTrueLiberal

        Dear Mr. Imissopus:

        Thank you for your words of encouragement.

        Unfortunately, Franklin tells me that someone else "reach[ed] the top of that mountain." Accordingly. we are going to do what all TrueLiberals do when "they" move next door: Migrate to the suburbs, and put our children in private schools.

        Thereafter, we will join you, and our fellow Wonketteers, in deploring the decline in public education.

        Cordially,

        Eleanor

        P.S, Please do not mention this to "Negropolis," would you?

    3. Negropolis

      You're like the loser kid who tries so hard to fit in with the cool kids, but suck at doing. You then stop trying, and in a reverse ugly duckling revelation, you actually turn out to be a loser when you're even being yourself. How…hmm…unfortunate…for you.

      Poor thing; you should be pitied. But, mostly, you should leave and take your ugly train-wreck you call a personality with you. You have all the sharpness of a bowling ball, and all the humor of Dane Cook. Do us all a favor and go blow a clown.

      1. OneTrueLiberal

        Dear Negro:

        Thant you for your clever, witty., comments, so typical of your prior posts.

        Franklin and I also greatly enjoyed your reference to William Gray's Golden Era classic, "She Is To Be More Pitied Than Censured."

        The same is typical of the bathos that marks all of us TrueLiberals , , , ,

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqH-OumlRLY

        Cordially,

        Eleanor

        P.S. Franklin was puzzled by your reference to "cool kids." Are there Eskimo children here in Wonkette.com?

        1. Negropolis

          I guess you figure that if you say "bathos" enough times, you'll sound smart. You're like five-year-old that learns what they think to be a new grown-up word, and use it ad naseum. Poor attention-whore.

          Someday, daddy'll love you, right? If you keep trying, you can get him to love you. It's not a lost cause.

          Again, Neilist, go blow a clown, and make sure you clean up, afterwords.

    4. TheHigherSpread

      I do admire your gumption, though. Most conservative commenters here don't even make an effort. At least you're striving for something higher.

      1. OneTrueLiberal

        Dear Spread:

        Franklin and I were horrified by your apparent breach from the Orthodoxy of Wonkette.

        TrueLiberalism requires Purity of Thought. Your post reveals a dangerous weakness in your thinking. Winston Smith fell from the Party by allowing a similar crack in his mental armor.

        Repeat, immediately, the Three Tenets of TrueLiberalism:

        1. Emotion Beats Fact!

        2. Follow the Herd!

        3. Logic Is Evil!

        Otherwise, we will be forced to send you to the Wonkette version of Room 101.

        There will be no rats. Instead, something even more horrifying:

        You will be forced to watch videos of the Hon. Barney Frank (D – Mass) wearing the Tom of Finland outfit that he uses when "advising" Congressional pages.

        :::Shudder:::

        Sometimes one has to be cruel to save a TrueLiberal from falling way from the Faith.

        Cordially,

        Eleanor

        1. lulzmonger

          Unfunny, trying too hard & pathetic.

          Drunk, stupid & trolling is no way to go through life, Eleanor.

          1. OneTrueLiberal

            Dear Lulz:

            What an amusing coincidence! Franklin and I were watching the same "talkie" at the White House last night. It's called "TrueLiberal House," isn't it?

            Franklin was particularly enchanted by the "Student Government" scene. Can you blame him? The dialogue was so close to all of our hearts:

            Negropolis: What the fuck happened to the Wonkette I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you, Negropolis, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Palin, she's a dead woman! Boehner, dead! Reince Preibis . . .

            SorosBot: Dead! Negropolis's right. Psychotic . . . but absolutely right.

            (So true to life, isn't it? Right down to the language and the promulgation of violent, hate-filled images.)

            Cordially,

            Eleanor

  6. SayItWithWookies

    While I loathe the idea that a robot could beat two sharp humans at Jeopardy, the damn humans are asking for it. All three contestans missed today's final Jeopardy ("What are copyrights?") in spite of the answer having some definite hints in it. And yet has Alex called me after I yell myself hoarse with the right answers night after night? Of course not — it's like he doesn't even care.

    1. JustPixelz

      I'm not sure whether robots are getting smarter or we're getting … um, um … some word that means not smarter.

  7. JustPixelz

    If (when?) wonkbot wins, will he/she/it thank Space Jeebus for his help and blessing? Because — if I'm understanding American culture correctly — Jeebus does good things, like picking your lottery numbers. Jeebus doesn't do bad things, like letting a bullet hit a 9 year old girl.

    Also, will wonkbot say "I'll be back" and run for governor of Kalifornia?

  8. shirleyplz

    Humans should be terrified TSA-1138,the Watson computer beat both those ninnies in the practice round.
    It has humor ' Its gentle male voice even scored a laugh when it said, "Let's finish 'Chicks Dig Me.'
    We robots are close to sentience.
    Jennings threatened Watson with Terminator dialog."Remember John Conner, we're gonna take this guy out'.
    Humans and their glands they can't help themselves.
    Ha ha we robots could so 'turn down' his noxious rhetoric ha ha. Digitally turn his voice into a baby crying, his head into a turd.

    ed: http://www.salon.com/technology/gaming/index.html

    1. horsedreamer_1

      ALEX: This individual, known better for his attempt on the life of a sitting congresswoman, first displayed his psychopathy & schizo-affective disorder in making a disturbance in his college [math] class.

      [David rings in]

      DAVID: Who is The Artist Also Known as Horsedreamer_1?

      ALEX: That is correct. David Graham, your next selection.

    1. Guppy06

      The local one here died for a while and they had some unpaid NWS intern reading the reports.

      She will go down in history as the first human enslaved by the machines.

  9. ttommyunger

    Stand by for legal action from "Lost in Space". this Wonkbot shit is clearly a rip-off of the fabulously successful robot whose most famous line is "Danger Wil Robinson, Rightards on the march!" or something like that.

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