where presidents are made

When Tim Pawlenty’s Elected President Next Tuesday, He’ll Reinstate DADT


We have no idea why Tim Pawlenty ever was considered a serious candidate for president; these things just happen, we guess. Has Pawlenty ever shouted “YOU LIE” at the current man in the office? No, and that fact should disqualify him. But yesterday, a veritable meeting of the minds occurred: Pawlenty went on insane AFA blogger Bryan Fishcer‘s radio show to promote his squirrely squirrel book. Pawlenty lets us know that he, not Jesus, is responsible for defining marriage. And at the very end of this clip, right before the scary music, he promises to pull a fast one on the gays by reinstating their ban from military service.

Just a couple of soldiers talking shop, you see.

We don’t know how Pawlenty thinks he can win the presidency by criticizing Sarah Palin while positioning himself for her same constituency, as he is lame and never seems to talk about bears. But maybe he is staying out of the race, which would be a good thing. We always want to slit our wrists when we see him referred to as “T-Paw.”

But hopefully the threat of little T-Paw coming to swat at the gays in the military will keep them closeted. In order to protect our children. Despite the fact that basically everyone, especially children, thinks DADT was dumb, like T-Paw’s face. [Right Wing Watch]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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119 comments

  1. Guckelt

    Git your iPods pre-loaded w/ His memorial speech! Git 'em before they're gone! Every order includes 1 free t-shirt.

    1. SmutBoffin

      COPYING THE SPEECH IS BLOOD LIBEL AGAINST THE TELLEPROMPTAR WHO WROTE IT

      YOU ARE BLOOD LIBELING THE TSA-1138 ROBOT iPODS ARE MADE BY STEVE JOBS A LIBERAL HMMMMM!?

    2. tiger_tree

      You could fix that red pee problem of yours by posting more on Breitfart.

      They tend to like shitposting from what I understand.

    3. SorosBot

      Hey the non-sensible name-changing poopyhead has posted enough shit here to reverse his P; good job.

    4. JustPixelz

      Even the folks on redstate.com liked the speech. Except they don't think Obama meant it — they want deeds, not words, to show he's reining in the violent rhetoric from the left. Also, one poster is miffed that people are blaming looking at Sarah Palin. They also don't like that there was a T-shirt ("at taxpayer expense" supposedly) which involved a logo.

      1. GOPCrusher

        You know, they have a point. Ammunition prices are starting to go up with all these gun wielding liberals running loose on the streets, firing their guns in the air like Yosemite Sam.

  2. Mindblank

    Then, he means to set us back on the Gold Standard and reinstate Prohibition. Or was that somebody else?

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      The first rule of Wonkette is bring the Funny. If you make me laugh, I could care less if you do so while defending Sarah Palin or Glenn Beck. This is one of the reasons I'm surprised everyone got so upset at Neilist. He was both funny and informative, which is better than most commentators. Sure, he went off the deep end at times, but who here doesn't.

      What is remarkable is that most of those Breitbart idiots don't even join in the debate. They just seem happy fisting us negatively. Of course, since comments keep disappearing around here, who knows what is up? (Is our dear Wonkette haunted? Tune in at 11p to see).

      1. Gay Mexican Intern

        The problem is outsourcing. Sure, IntenseDebate seems like a good idea to avoid spam n' stuff, but it seems like it requires just as much work to keep legitimate posters out of purgatory, and now since we're on the same platform as Big Andy, the drool-encrusted mouth-breathers that populate his sites can come over here with minimal effort and TOTALLY STICK IT TO THE LIBRULS without even leaving their farted-out office chair in their mom's basement.

        1. jqheywood

          without even leaving their farted-out office chair in their mom's basement.

          Ewwwww! I was eating dinner….thanks for that lovely mindimage.

      2. facehead

        I agree.

        There has been a silent DADT policy evolving regarding one's love for Neilist, but I'll help break the taboo and be clear: I wubs me some guntard Neilist.

        1. Gunner Asch

          Me too. Darling Neilist, if you still haunt these premises occasionally, please come back to dopeslap us again. You are erudite and funny, if perhaps a bit gun-fixated. You know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin" and can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a Javelin.

      3. Cicada

        I like giving Neilist shit, mostly because he likes giving it. But it's in fun, not outrage. And Neilist is fun to talk shit to, because he comes back with funny responses. It's sort of like talking to my conservative uncle who loves guns, but also has a sense of humor.
        In comparison, these Breitbart guys are just cut and paste dweebs with small dick complexes. You can almost feel the flop sweat and yeasty folds of skin oozing through their posts.

        1. finallyhappy

          The first rule is don't ever complain about any advertisements on Wonkette- it is how Riley and Jack get that $100 a week stipend.

  3. Katydid

    It's a good ballclub, it's a fine ballclub, it's a good ballclub!

    It's just like some comedian said, I forget who, when talking about any baseball player's remarks to the media. Talks and talks, says nothing. Just like he did on The Daily Show last night.

    1. samsuncle

      I saw that interview and comletely agree with you. His next gig should be on Dancing With the Stars cause he can totally tap dance around a straight forward question.

    2. SecretMuslin

      He was such a weaselly dick on the Daily Show last night!! It's like he was afraid he would turn to dust if he answered Jon's goddamned question. I wanted to punch him in the throat. Hard.

    3. V572625694

      I thought he kinda gave Stewart fits. Or I should say, I thought later of all kinds of snappy retorts and inescapable questions I'd have asked if I were Stewart, were as clever as he is, and also had unlimited do-overs.

    4. BerkeleyBear

      Also reminiiscent of the scene in Bull Durham where Costner tells Robbins to work on his cliches. Pawlenty is trying too hard to be all things to whatever audience he has at the moment, and a result everyone sees through the act.

      What he did before (I love government shutdowns) during (really, I'm just trying to make sure government helps and doesn't intrude) and after (gays in the military and classroom are evil even though trying to regulate sexuality is about as intrusive as government can be) the Daily Show really encapsulates the dilemma faced by the whole crop of 2012 contender. As long as they have at least 1 truly unvarnished psycho candidate with cash (I'm looking at you, Snowbilly) all the rest of them are going to have to posture just as far to the right, then try to tap dance around what they said before during the general while privately reassuring the wingnuts they really meant it. That's not a recipe for success in a world where videotape and Jon Stewart exist.

      I'm predicting that one of the bland brothers (Daniels, Pawlenty, Romney) will wind up as one of the last 2 Republicans standing, but I'm having a hard time seeing how they win the nomination without becoming utterly unelectable.

  4. Sassomatic

    Pretending not to be gay is a great tradition in this country, especially in the Republican party. We must uphold our values! Get back in your closets soldiers.

  5. freakishlywrong

    T-Paw, gays, bears, insane AFA bloggers. This is all blood libel. That, and the fuckwit downfisting us again.

  6. Monsieur_Grumpe

    He really started out as moderate when he first became governor of Minnesota. He has to keep ratcheting up his right wing nuttiness in order to keep up with the rest of the pack.

    1. frostbitefalls

      He mighta been conciliatory when he was in the state legislature, but he didn't really start out as a moderate when he became governor. From the start he was busy positioning himself with "no new taxes" crap which ran our state budget into the ground. From early on, too, he had this "support our troops" thing going which mostly consisted of trying hard as he could to take credit leading us in the Iraq war. Admitted though, he is a slippery bastard and I'm really glad he's not my governor anymore.

    2. lulzmonger

      The Overton Flu: they've all caught it.

      Stand for something –> stand for anything –> stand for nothing.

    3. Terry

      Personally, I think he ate a delicious muffin baked for him by Michelle Bachmann and underwent an odd transformation.

  7. HempDogbane

    He's Tim Pawlenty when he talks to this guy.
    He's T-Paw when he's on the very, very urban station.
    He's "Tim from Eagan" when he calls into the sports talk show.
    He's "not going to make it" when he runs for President.

  8. Rosie_Scenario

    Did T-Paw talk about his "smokin' hot wife?" And how she can't get him to have sex with her because he's busy watching sports on TV? Marriage expert right there.

  9. hagajim

    Downfister man – where you gonna run to…Looks to me like T-Paw is working for the T-Bag endorsement.

  10. MiniMencken

    On John Stewart's show last night, he came off as a mega-weasel, repeatedly and lamely trying to reframe Stewart's question about the huge gap between reality and reaction on behalf of the Fox News/teabagger set as an example of extremism on both sides of the question. If he was a Catholic spokesman, he would try to explain that priest/boy sex is a two-way street, I'm sure. I'm surprised he's even gotten as far as the governorship of Minnesota. If he is going to cash in on the racist paranoia and xenophobic hysteria of the 'baggers, he needs to drop the Voice of Reason act and let the hate flow, the way the big boys do it. Cry! Scream! Drool!

  11. neiltheblaze

    At one time Pawlenty seemed to be going for "the one reasonable Republican in a sea of insane assholes" title – but at some point he seemed to say "fuck it" and ever since has tried to pretend to be as bugfuck insane as the 'bagger crowd demands.

    He's too much of a milquetoast for the 'baggers, and now comes off like too much of a used car salesman for everyone else. Oh TIm – you have no idea exactly how many miles beyond "nowhere" you are going…..

  12. WriteyWriterton

    Before he's done, T-Pat just might retire the trophy for BAIRWG. (Boring and Irrelevant Republican White Guy.)

    He. Could. Go. All. The. Way.

  13. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Soldiers in God's Army®!

    Serious though, you gotta' be crazy if you think I'm gonna' sit through five minutes of that…

  14. EatsBabyDingos

    Only "Tim" I'd vote for is pronounced "TiMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" and rides a wheelchair.

    Or Tiny Tim, but he's dead and my Ouija Board is broken.

  15. LionelHutzEsq

    Does anyone remember when Tim Pawlenty was considered a sane Republican? What the hell happens to these people when they go national? Was Sarah Palin a reasonable person, able to speak in coherent sentences that she didn't lift from some bad twitter feed before being forced upon the American People?

    And has Pawlenty thought this out? Will our soldiers be willing to go back to bad meals, dirty barracks with horrible lighting, and not being able to get a cuddle before bed from their Sargent? I think not!

    1. WriteyWriterton

      "Was Sarah Palin a reasonable person, able to speak in coherent sentences that she didn't lift from some bad twitter feed before being forced upon the American People?"

      Just for asking that question, I want some of whatever you're smoking/popping/shooting/snorting.

    2. obfuscator2

      i think he knows that he's gotta go full teatard if he's going for the nomination. just look at all the "sane republicans" who got primary'd into early retirement last year.

    3. BlueStateLibel

      If you check out her Alaskan governor debate, there's surprisingly little folksy crap. She actually came off kind of sane. Maybe I need to listen to it again, but I was pretty surprised.

      I think all these Repubs just want to go for the low-hanging fruit now. They know even if it doesn't get them elected, they can write books or get a Fox news gig.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Yeah, at that point she was just a lying shitheel, not an artificially dumb sounding lying shitheel.

        1. Rotundo_

          The stupid is real. She just wasn't trying as hard then, now there's money in every little droplet that emerges from $arah: Book deals, television shows, interviews, speaking gigs, it goes on and $arah will keep going as long as the suckers are dumber than she is.

    4. Cicada

      I honestly can't see how a sane Republican will make it through the primaries this time around. Even during an extremely anti-Republican year, McCain still had to battle it out with good ol' squirrel frying Huck for the base. And a lot of the base is convinced McCain lost because he wasn't pure enough, so it isn't going to get any better.

      *whew*

      I think I've exhausted my seriousness for the day. I need to make some dick jokes, STAT!

    5. GOPCrusher

      It's a badge of honor to say the most outrageously insane thing that you possibly can, for the Republiklan/Tea Bagger Consortium.
      And then they wonder why America turns and looks at them, when someone gets shot.

  16. SorosBot

    Firefox's spellcheck seems at least ten years out of date; for one, it doesn't even recognize "Barack" or "Obama". It also doesn't recognize "Palin", but there's no reason to recognize an uncommon last name held by no one of any real importance.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      "Palin"… an uncommon last name held by no one of any real importance.

      Ahem. Aren't you forgetting the world's foremost travelog host, comedic actor, and singing lumberjack/Inquisitor?

  17. freakishlywrong

    We have an entire, major political party in this country who's entire platform is undo what ever the black guy did. That's it. They've got nothing else. Talk about bankrupting the future.

  18. SorosBot

    Just think, as President Pawlenty could do for the US what he did for Minnesota! So it'll be time to starting setting up ferries on all the rivers still crossed by bridges.

  19. superdave

    Timmy, Timmy, Timmy. Fellate them all you want. The Jesus-cons are still not going to gay marry you.

  20. PsycWench

    And then, when the microphone was safely off and the staffers had left the building, Pawlenty looked at Fischer and their eyes locked, the world seeming to stand still. Both men felt a sudden wave of desire.

    That is, the desire for the other one to be more attractive and less squirrelly.

  21. OC_Surf_Serf

    Any squirrely squirrel recipes in that squirrely squirrel book?

    I hear Huckabee has been sharing his with other southern conservatives.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Huckabee just wishes he had been able to eat squirrel growing up. His recipes are mainly for varmint of any kind – although he does have a mean nutria fricasse from what I understand.

  22. PabaBritannica

    When is Tim Pawlenty going to mack on his wife onstage, wear flannel at a farmer's market in New Hampshire, invent the internet and Global Warming, and sexually harass a masseuse? That's how a boring politician becomes cool, right?

  23. MinAgain

    We always want to slit our wrists when we see him referred to as “T-Paw.”

    That could be a Vulcan name, if Pawlenty was a kick-ass female Vulcan. Alas, no. He's just a tool.

    1. finallyhappy

      In the episode last night- wasn't that the name of the fake Vulcan ambassador who was really a Romulan spy? And that 20 year old episode is still more interesting than anything this Minnesota loser can come up with.

  24. OneYieldRegular

    To borrow and alter a line from Afrikaner writer and anti-apartheid activist Breyten Breytenbach, "Gay people wipe their derrieres with Tim Pawlenty's disapproval – or approval."

  25. GunTotingProgressive

    Thanks for the vid, put I'd rather jam a MicroPlane up my ass than watch those two lick each other's nipples…

  26. Come here a minute

    T-Paw was just responding to President Obama's call for civility. He knew AFA idiot Bryan Fischer hates the gays, so he couldn't help himself.

  27. betweenstations

    Pawlenty does not like Palin, because he's still bitter at not being McCain's veep pick. Right there, as a reason, shows a lack of sense, because who wouldn't have wanted to be a part of that loser ticket?

    McCain would have avoided a few controversies that way.

    Pawlenty has a new problem, though. He apparently pardoned a sex offender while said sex offender was married to a daycare provider and raping the daughter he had with said provider. Also, the provider was the underage person he'd had sex with to get labelled as a sex offender. Pawlenty said it was ok to pardon him because even though he'd been a full adult having sex and impregnating a 13-year-old, he married her so it was all ok.

    1. SorosBot

      Sadly I don't know if the pardon will haunt him; it doesn't seem have hurt Huckabee that a rapist he pardoned went on to rape and murder afterwords. And he pardoned that guy because 1) he said he had found Jesus and 2) a bunch the proto-teabagger conspiracy types claimed he has been framed because the victim was related to Clinton.

    2. HempDogbane

      The pardon story is a little more complicated than it first appears, as usual. However, Pawlenty is such a monumental tool that the gravitational pull in St. Paul was altered, thereby causing a bridge in Minneapolis to fall down.

    3. Ducksworthy

      Sounds like a version of Republican Family Values, the Board Game.

      Also reminds me of how the Orange Boner came to be in the House. His GOP family values predecessor was caught paying off the mother of the teenage hooker he was having sex with but I think the real problem was that she was black.

  28. mavenmaven

    You know soon he'll have an image of DADT with the 'surveyors marks' gun sight crosshatches on them.

  29. BarackMyWorld

    I think there's an informal prerequisite for a governor or former governor to successfully running for president was that you had to be popular in your own state. Examples: Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush. Non-examples: Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, and Tim Pawlenty.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Are you suggesting that the fact that most Minnesotans now realize that TPaw is a heinous asshole who wrecked the state for years to come might be a hindrance? I like the way he's heating up the hating so he can be attractive to the Palinistas when she quits.

      1. SorosBot

        One would hope so, but then Romney used the fact that Massachusetts residents had turned on him as a selling point for primary voters.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      I know some people look at his re-election and would put Mitch Daniels in the former category, but when you get to be governor because the guy running against you would rather be retired but feels beholden to his dead predecessor (Joe Kernan, forced to take over when O'Bannon died) and retain it because the Dems have such bad in-fighting that no one likes the candidate and she has no money for anything (and thus Dems somehow turn out to vote for Obama but not the governor) it is hard to tell. He's definitely a loser outside of Indiana and certain K Street fantasies about bringing back a Bushie.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Daniels worked in W's administration, but also in Reagan's, so the two gigs might cancel each other out in terms of wingnut luv.

        (Though I still have problems rationalizing why the right hates W so much when they were behind him 100% while he was in office.)

  30. JustPixelz

    Why don't conservatives want an all homosexual army. Seems like that would kill two birds* with one stone: get 'em out of the mainstream society, and into a death-causing wars.
    _______________________
    * idiomatic expression; I do not advocate killing birds. Except breaded chickens.

    1. deelzebub

      They don't want all the past heterosexual soldiers to be embarrassed. We have never fielded as badass a fighting force as those salad-tossing ancient Spartans.

  31. WriteyWriterton

    Ouch! I forgot about Daniels, our neighbor in the state that exists only to keep Ohio and Illinois from rubbing each other raw.

    I'll grant them audiences, but not before I activate my caffeine-sugar-crack IV drip.

  32. Ducksworthy

    If Sinclair Lewis ever did say that when facism comes to Amurrika it will be wrapped in a flag and carring a bible it was TPaw he had in mind.

    And TPaw want's don't ask because if he's asked he might just blurt out the truth. "Well, yes. It just so happens that I enjoy smoking a little cock now and again."

  33. Ducksworthy

    T-Paw debating Jon Stewart is like watching some moran going into a knife fight armed with a banana.

  34. lulzmonger

    Fischer + Pawlenty = the Cagney & Lacey of FAIL.

    TP is just looking out for his base: the last thing gay-bashers want to have to deal with is Teh Homos with self-defense & weapons training.

      1. inedal

        scheiss, don't tell me now that Spinoza's pantheistic god is the equivalent of Jesus?well, whosomeever caused the falling bridge, it happened during Paw-lend-me's term, so that makes him responsible, jesus or no lovely jesus.—

  35. NorthStarSpanx

    Pawlenty lets us know that he, not Jesus, is responsible for defining marriage.

    And John McCain is personally going around to every straight soldier, burping and changing their diapers with how upset they are having to serve with unsacred buttseks.

    And Sarah Palin would have her Department of Law put the Blamestream Media on trial for victimizing her.

    The face of the GOP is as pretty as a Cheney target.

  36. spinozasgod

    Even during the days when he was considered a "sane republican" he wasa creationist…..the world is 6000 years old adam and (St)eve creationist……so that 's as "sane" as it gets over there.

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