sophie's choice

John Boehner Refused Air Force One Trip To Arizona So He Could Party

He knows what's important.As we noted at the time, John Boehner’s plans for yesterday looked like this: cry about Gabrielle Giffords on the House floor for a couple of hours, then head over to get sloshed at an RNC cocktail party he was hosting that evening. Sure, it seemed a little silly at the time. But then there’s this: Boehner, like Nancy Pelosi and certain off-putting Arizona officials, was invited onto Air Force One to fly to Arizona to visit Giffords in the hospital and show solidarity or whatever at the memorial yesterday. But unlike those officials, he turned the White House down. Look, John Boehner cannot just drop his plans to party every time a member of Congress is shot in the head. Boehner, at the same time the memorial thing was happening, was showing his solidarity with red wine, which itself is a great patriot.

NON-STORY, say the Boehner folks:

“The speaker made it clear to the White House all along that he would be in the House today,” the GOP aide said. “Their last-minute invite was a courtesy – they knew he was going to be here. The invitation came along after all this stuff in the House had been set up, on a bipartisan basis. The speaker can’t exactly walk away from all that.”

No, of course, the speaker of the House has to be on the floor at all times. That is his job. That’s why he has a small cabin off to the side, so he can live there full time. Somehow all the other members of Congress who went to Arizona could make it, but the White House knew that Boehner was planning on handcuffing himself to John Dingell or whatever other stationary object he could find on the House floor.

How are you supposed to party at a memorial service? By bringing your wine in a flask? That’s not very classy, and Boehner doesn’t get paid any extra by going to such a thing, so he will spend his time at cocktail parties, thank you. [Politico]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. SorosBot

    Hey, there was free booze to be had; like a college student, there's no way Boehner is saying no to free booze.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      To be fair, red wine has done more for America that Gabi Giffords has, or will ever be able to. She is, after all, only one person.

      For example, Giffords has never been personally instrumental in getting me laid, whereas red wine has done its fair share on more that one occasion.

      1. court5346

        maybe if you start crying like boner about giffords some pitying soul will have sexxx with you. jussayin

        1. BarryOPotter

          I think that's why John of Orange is constantly turning on the water works. The heady combo of political power and feigned sensitivity is getting him laid left and right. That's why he's always so tired looking. Either that, or he's been in the red, red wine.

  2. sussemilch

    John knows that if everyone started being all bipartisan-ish about tragedy then parties wouldn't be able to own them, and then the GOP wouldn't be able to say "9/11 changed everything" any more.

  3. baconzgood

    How I pine for the good ol' days. Remember how Newt shut down the country because his seat was lumpy and he didn't get to sit next to Clinton on Air Force 1? Air Force 1 must be real bitchen to do that. You Suck John

  4. JustPixelz

    Apparently the memorial turned into a kick-ass party after all. I'll bet he wishes he'd gone, for the T-shirt if nothing else.

  5. V572625694

    "all this stuff in the House…" A technical term for what the ignoramuses who are not members of Congress would call "legislation." You know: Congress stuff.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Or "all this stuff" is code for a party with "hookers and blow" since the grown ups were leaving town.

  6. OC_Surf_Serf

    Can't be seen hitching a ride with a black guy or his TeaBagging™ constituency with surely retaliate…

    1. GOPCrusher

      I'm sure the Tea Bagging Community is already up in arms over Obummer spending their munnies on FLYING to AZ.

      1. CessnaDriver

        Yet they never complained about the trips to the fake ranch with the fake lake in Tejas….

        Hmmmmm…..let's go to the dictionary and look up "hypocrisy".

  7. Terry

    Boehner would never have even considered going, even if there hadn't been a cocktail party/fundraiser. First, the shootings bring up gun control issues, going to the event could have made him seem soft to some of his core contributors. Second, Tucson is a fairly blue city for Arizona, not his people. Third, the Congressperson in question, while white, was female, Jewish, and a Democrat. Not big demographics of interest to Boehner.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Plus everyone would have been crying, making the liquid from his own jag appear as nothing more than tears in the rain in terms of their significance and beauty.

  8. DaSandman

    There was an indoor golfing machine at the party and scantily clad actresses/model/whores who looked like Bristol handing out free cigarettes. Which one would you fucking choose?

  9. OneDollarJuana

    Hey, lay off the Boner. Just after the election Obama asked Boner and the Repubs to meet him for a tête-a-tête and the Boner said he was busy. Once again he was invited by Obama to join the President, but the Boner was just being consistent, so he said no.

    1. Boredw/Gravity

      So Obama is not getting alot of Boner. I'm not surprised — men his age often suffer from ED.

  10. prommie

    That sure won the morning. I so love the insinuation by the Boehner folks that Obama is so so sooooo machiavellian and crafty that he only invited Boehner in order to set him up for criticism over refusing. Paranoid, much? You just cannot over-estimate the depravity and evil of a socialist-nazi community organizing acorn Nigerian, can you?

    1. V572625694

      Community organizing is only one step away from union organizing, the most nefarious activity on earth.

    1. Beowoof

      Ah I don't know about that, they are often fueled by alcohol and thus Boner's crocodile tears are probably fueled by red wine.

    1. SmutBoffin

      Huh ok fine. Johnny Boner isn't Hitler (today) because his priorities in this circumstance aren't all fucked up and symptomatic of Republican disempathy.

      He is still a stupid orange git who smells like an ashtray, though.

    2. SmutBoffin

      Huh ok fine. Johnny Boner isn't Hitler (today) because his priorities in this circumstance aren't all fucked up and symptomatic of Republican disempathy.

      He's still a stupid orange git who smells like an ashtray.

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    "The speaker made it clear to the White House all along that he would be in the House today,” the GOP aide said. “Their last-minute invite was a courtesy…"

    You bet it was a courtesy. They were offering Boehner one last chance to avoid looking like a douche.

    1. baconzgood

      The prez probally say "Whhhhew, I'm glad he didn't come". Boner is sort of like that Douchebag you have to invite the B-B-Que because your sister's boinking him.

    2. Beowoof

      And of course he turned down the opportunity to not look like a douche, because you can't hide who you really are.

  12. freakishlywrong

    It was a fairly emotional event. The nation would be treated to, (again), a sobbing Boner. By not going he could be a Real Murican and get drunk and cry alone.

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    In Boehner's defense: most large arena events are better viewed from home–you get to see the good stuff up close & there are no lines for the food or bathroom.

    Plus I'm sure the people who would have ended up sitting next to him would have forgotten to bring their rain slickers to avoid getting soaked with his tears.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    So a cocktail party for the president of the RNC was a bipartisan thing? I guess to Boehner that means there were Republicans and gay Republicans in attendance.

  15. LionelHutzEsq

    Maybe Boehner thought this was a trap, and that Obama was just luring him into the free-fire zone that is Arizona in hopes that he would be shot.

  16. WriteyWriterton

    "Their last-minute invite was a courtesy – they knew he was going to be here. The invitation came along after all this stuff in the House had been set up, on a bipartisan basis. The speaker can’t exactly walk away from all that.”

    Sure, Barry perfunctorily invites people to memorial services after a national tragedy all the time at the last minute. He is SO thoughtless and mean.

    Boehner sure showed him!

    1. OneDollarJuana

      "Stuff" like wads of cash, free drinks, and hookers! This "stuff" doesn't come along every day! Oops, I forgot, these are Republicans we're talking about.

  17. MLite

    This kind of violent hate speech on the Left is going to get orange people shot, unlike hate speech on the Right which is patriotic because of the 2nd Amendment. And we'll shoot you if you disagree.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Boner knew that the one guy that day in Tucson who was packing almost shot the wrong guy. Boner knows that those gun-packing crazies are crazy.

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    Maybe Boehner thought that after all his weeping during the day, and then the dry air of Air Force One, he would have no more tears to give at the ceremony. Or if he did break down, he would shrivel up and blow away in the Tuscon evening breeze. He had to stay in DC to hydrate!

  19. LionelHutzEsq

    In the end, Boehner knew that the Tea Party would not forgive him if he went to Arizona and didn't at least pump one shot into Gabrielle Giffords to show his solidarity with the teabaggers and with the Founders.

  20. donner_froh

    "The invitation came along after all this stuff in the House had been set up, on a bipartisan basis. The speaker can’t exactly walk away from all that.”

    The speaker can't exactly walk away from all that or anything else after his fourth drink of the day which usually comes halfway through lunch.

  21. DeeJayKitteh

    I remember when I told people I couldn't do something because I had "all this stuff" to do. It coincides with when I was wearing underoos and trying to weasel out of doing my homework.

    "But maaaaaaaaaa, i have, like, stuff to do! Can't I do my multiplication tables after my stuff?"

  22. DustBowlBlues

    With all those tears, his tan might wash away. I repeat my request on the earlier thread but without the implied insults to the wonkeratti. Let me know how the right spins this shit. Sean O'Rushbeck will no doubt be wingnutted out.

    Also, my meme of the day: thumbs up to all wonkeratti posters, down for trolls and no responding to them. It's a conspiracy, so don't tell the trolls.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Okay, then. That's two of us. Who is else is down with the plan? {Isn't that the way the hipsters talk?}

        1. HELisforHEL

          I think they're now saying 'Up in the mix' or some such stuff. So I will join you, uh, 'up in the mix'. I promise not to feed the trolls and will not tell them of our super secret planny-conspiracy-thingie.

    1. Mindblank

      Politico WON THE MORNING too often, apparently. Also, nothing ever said on Wonkette is permanent policy. Remember the Angst Over Twitter? Wonkette has weak moral fiber, obvsly. Needs more whole grains.

  23. Oblios_Cap

    The speaker made it clear to the White House all along that he would be in the House today

    Boner in da house, bee-yatches!

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Hasn't in occurred to the wonkeratti brain trust that with Hopey flying and Biden in a war zone, it's critical that Boner stay safe. He IS next in the line of succession, ya' know.

      Now, everyone go throw up at the thought. I've heard it's a great way to jump start your New Year's resolution diet.

  24. pinkocommi

    From at least one perspective, he was being kind. If you were a woman shot in the head and lying a hospital bed in critical condition, would you want to wake up to a Boehner?

  25. x111e7thst

    But Troll don’t care, and he’s still there
    With the bone that he boned from its owner.
    Doner! Boehner!

  26. weejee

    But the Boner believes in his weeping heart that the bidness of 'Murican politics is bidness. Now if we can get Holder to just follow the money, that what Ronnie Earle did with Delay.

  27. DustBowlBlues

    Boner and his party members are such disgusting excuses for human beings that they really don't deserve that opposable thumb the lord of evolution chose to give them.

  28. Ruhe

    As a fiscal conservative Boehner certainly can't bring his wine with him to the House floor. The decanting or "cork" fee at the House is so outrageous it would make the hostess at a newly opened Thai restaurant blush.

  29. el_donaldo

    I think it's because Air Force One started charging a fee for each additional suitcase that you've stuffed with lobbyist cash.

  30. DerrickWildcat

    The ancient Greeks carried around their Wine and Mead around in a Bota Bag, probably made from a Goat's stomach or something. I don't see why Boehner couldn't have used one in this case.

  31. Sassomatic

    He's just afraid to set a precedent. Worried that if he has to go to a memorial service every time some "lone nut" hauls off and exercises some "second amendment solutions" he'll miss a hell of a lot of cocktail parties.

  32. HolyMaracas

    Barry must be glad….the last thing you need at a memorial service is a spray-on tanned, drunk, 60-something fratboy hitting on High School girls.

  33. horsedreamer_1

    So, if the comment above about Boehner remaining in DC to be at the District's vigil is correct, we are to believe the Speaker of the House is effectively Congress's Secretary of Transportation, i.e. the lower-tier cabinet official who has to skip the State of the Union in the event of a catastrophic event taking out the Pres, VP, SCOTUS, legislature, etc.?

  34. mereoblivion

    "Look, John Boehner cannot just drop his plans to party every time a member of Congress is shot in the head."
    Anyone else read "plans" as "pants" the first time through?

  35. OldRedneck

    Boner went to the cocktail party because the GOP had already paid for the $10,000 a night whores and the lesbian-themed strippers. Boner didn't want to waste the money.

  36. Eve8Apples

    Johnny missed a great opportunity to go to a college kegger and a sorority panty raid at the taxpayers' expense — what an idiot.

  37. Rotundo_

    A bender is a terrible thing to waste. Donations from lobbyists are a terrible thing to waste. Blowjobs from 10 grand a night escourts are a terrible thing to waste. John has his priorities, and dead kids, grandmas and wounded congressladies from the other side of the aisle lose out to nights of wine and blowjobs. Besides which, given the emotional tumult he's been through, he doesn't need a "downer" like a memorial service.

  38. Blendergoathead

    So-fucking-what? I skipped my college graduation ceremony so I could party… what's the difference?

    Oh, that. Never mind.

  39. OneTrueLiberal

    My husband Franklin's Executive aircraft was named in the Spirit of True Liberalism.

    "Sacred Cow" was a wonderful means of transportation.

    And members of the Democrat Party never complained about the enormous expense to the public, because this "Cow" was not their ox getting gored.



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