pandora's xbox

Weird Canadian Still Trying To Sell Electronic Box Signed By Sarah Palin

Please return this xBox to its rightful owner: Sauron. He hasn't been able to play Mario Kart for months and he misses it dearly.Quick! What is the fastest way to make money on the Internet? “Selling Gawker your anonymous college essay about the time you saw Julian Assange’s mangy pube patch” is not an acceptable answer, because instead of paying you in legal tender Nick Denton would probably just transfer a few of his toenail clippings into your PayPal account. So basically your only other option is to ask Sarah Palin to autograph a box — a shoebox, Julian Assange’s hairy man-box, any box will do — and then auction this box for millions upon billions of dollars. You will be rich immediately! Just ask this weird guy from Canada, who has spent nearly two years trying to sell his Palin-bedazzled “x” box for $1.1 million on eBay. There are no jobs and everybody is poor, so naturally most people have plenty of extra money to spend on a hilariously over-priced, vandalized box that is probably haunted by demons.

Here is the seller’s autobiography:

My name is David Morrill. I live in Alberta Canada and I have always wanted to drive the Alaskan highway from my home near Edmonton Alberta, all the way to Alaska. This trip is about a 7000km / 4300mi round trip. I figured that since I was going up there anyway, I should try to see the most famous person from that state, so I timed my trip with the governors picnic in Wasilla. When the governors picnic took place there were hordes of people trying to see her, but I pushed my way through the crowd to the front of the line. When I was in front of Sarah Palin, I told her that I had traveled three days to see her and asked her to sign my Xbox360. She said it was the most extravagant thing she had ever been asked to sign. I shook her hand, removed myself from the crowd, and then I packed up my Xbox360 and headed home. It was one of the greatest thrills of my life to have watched Sarah Palin on CNN, SNL, Youtube, and then to see her right in front of me.

The Immaculate Conception (of this dumb autographed box)Instead of a Certificate of Authenticity, this autographed video game console comes with a moldy “Wasilla dog” purchased at Sarah Palin’s child labor snack shack. That’s all the proof anyone should ever need.

And not a Jewlibel more!
Even if some idiot does eventually buy this box of horrors for $1.1 million, PayPal will charge a “processing fee” before mailing our Canadian friend a check for the grand sum of “a clump of Nick Denton’s dandruff.” Oh man! Should have just written that story about the pubes! [Mediaite]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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156 comments

  1. Crank_Tango

    Please, Riley, I think we all know that Assange's coinpurse is waxed so hard it shines like patent leather.
    Still, his shaved off pubes would be worth more than a cuntbilly xbox–Anyway would the carpet match the drapes? Don't tell me, I don't wanna know.

    1. salt_bagel

      You're all wrong. I have it on good authority that Assange wears a codpiece with a TV in it, like Gaga's new sunglasses. Except his TV broadcasts secrets instead of music videos.

    1. DoktorZoom

      And a Red Ring of Death…or as we now call it, a "blood li…."

      Aw fuck it, that joke's already been done to death.

      By me, even.

  2. StillGoinGreen

    Sister Snowcunt is done, finished, kaput – thanks solely to Sister Snowcunt herself. RIP, YOU FUCKING MORAN!!!1!1!!

  3. Dashboard_Jesus

    I wouldn't pay $1.10 for that bitch's box, signed or not, unless it's the scratch n' sniff model…besides I already got me one o' them nice electrified, vibratin' vaginas, and I don't have to listen to that horrible screechin' voice while using it…

    1. BarryOPotter

      TP Child,

      They are Legion, you say? Before I bid, please clarify whether they are thusly called due to being great in number or because many demons therein reside. After the last election cycle, I can now boast of experience with one and the other, but preparations to enter either do differ in important ways, and forewarned is forearmed…

  4. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Bitch'll quit out of the deal, saying she never signed a proper USA-American's stuff. And that she cannot see Canada from her house…

  5. keepem_sikanpor

    I'll wager a million whore diamonds for it if the box contains taco bell wrappers, a freedom tray and dry powder.

        1. obfuscator2

          oh, and after the palinbox(ewwww) shuts down, your teenage daughter is pregnant and you've lost 48 i.q. points.

  6. Crank_Tango

    "She said it was the most extravagant thing she had ever been asked to sign."

    I wonder what was previously the most extravagant thing she ever had to sign? A snowmachine? A chill of bud lite?

    1. keepem_sikanpor

      I think she signed a screaming child once. But that doesn't count because it wasn't in the womb.

    2. Sophist FCD

      The contract with that nice man Mr. Scratch guaranteeing her seven years of fame and fortune that vanished in a burst of flame after she signed it?

  7. Cicada

    I hear it comes with Grand Theft Auto: Wasilla Edition. You get to do meth and play "just the tip" with the 16 year-old daughter of a local politician. Fun!

  8. obfuscator2

    the palin edition xbox boots up, makes a shrill ear-splitting noise, then quits halfway through the first level of call of duty.

    1. iburl

      Also includes:
      Guitar Hero: Ted Nugent
      Red Dead Reloader
      Oddworld: Munch's Alaska
      Rash Glacierkook: The Wrath of Snowbilly

    2. MikeHawkstrong

      Wait until you put in "Sarah Palin's Alaskuntry", the Box Set — you'll want to shoot the mofo.

  9. OneTrueLiberal

    Would this Marconi/RCA box enable more True Liberals to commit espionage like the Rosenbergs, Alger Hiss, Frank Oppeheimer and Julian Assange?

    If so, Franklin and I believe that Congress should authorize it's acquisition immediately, regardless of the price.

    If nothing else, Franklin can use it for one of his Fireside Chats about the pressing need to socialize all of what is left of the American economy, or staged readings of The Daily Worker to those of you with a demonstrated incapacity to communicate in English.

    Ole!, as our White House servants used to say, as their backs dripped water from the Hoover Dam project onto the Oval Office carpet.

    Cordially,

    Eleanor

    1. Silversmith

      Speaking of a "demonstrated incapacity to communicate in English" could you "true liberals" just try and get that it's/its thing straight? Also the your/you're business. And, uh, lose/loose while I'm on a roll here.

      1. dyedwool

        Agreed, Silversmith. OneTrueLiberal clearly isn't clued in to the memo about all the "government grammar brainwashing" and whatnot. Or now that I read the post a little more carefully…maybe he/she is…

        1. SorosBot

          Someone noted last night the "OneTrueLiberal" started appearing shortly after Neilist's "suicide", uses similar language, and started off commenting on discussions about his deleting himself.

          1. wondering where i am

            What! Neilist committed suicide. Wow, I missed it. Did he use a Glock?

            This is hard: which political party do I blame?

          2. DoktorZoom

            Yeah, not exactly a case for Hercule Poirot. Hell, barely even a case for Magnum: P.I.

            Sigh..OK, fine–even Barney Fife could figure this one out.

      2. OneTrueLiberal

        Dear Silversmith:

        I am deeply, deeply disturbed by your fixation on "grammar conspiracies." These are a sure sign of future psychotic/violent behavior, as proven by recent events in Arizona.

        Please seek counseling from a qualified mental healthcare professional immediately, and stay away from 9 year old girls until you do.

        Cordially,

        Eleanor

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          'I am deeply, deeply disturbed'…yes I think we can all agree on that, now please seek HELP immediately before you have another delusional 'episode', in public

          1. OneTrueLiberal

            That's impossible. "Neillist" was a self-absorbed, pedantic, useless"asshole" who loved only himself.

            Which makes Neilist's absence all the more puzzling — he was so like the rest of us True Liberals.

            Perhaps his Act of Self-Deletion was some utterly futile, pointless, stupid gesture? Like all of our "snarky" comments in here?

            (Or perhaps he was mocking us a final time?

            No, no. that's not possible. How could one mock those who are Morally Right?)

            Cordially,

            Eleanor

          2. Roger

            I realize I'm only visiting here to watch and observe.
            I find it amazing that while I may not have the same opinions and conclusions, I am amazed at the articulate way you express them.

            But I do remember a few commenting on their visit here that was 'less than pleasant' to all involved.

            Perhaps they simply decided it was nicer to play in their own sandbox?

          3. Silversmith

            In the end we're all self-absorbed, useless assholes, right? But Neil-Babes (that's what I like to call him) would never call any of "us" morally right. I doubt he'd even call himself that.

            Commie pinko skum, we are, perhaps, but the question is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you?

          4. DeLand_DeLakes

            Wow, dump the NeilBitch and go steady with me! A piece of commie pinko scum who loves Leonard Cohen…lets cry about the dearth of civil discourse together!

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      sweet holy jeebus, what you bin smokin' tonite…do cum back when you've had yer meds adjusted…also

      1. OneTrueLiberal

        Dear Not-Governor Dewey:

        Franklin and I, too, have called for Ms. Coulter to join our True LIberal ranks. After all, she repeatedly has demonstrated that she is "one of us," e.g., by her utter disregard of facts and logic.

        Unfortunately, Ms. Coulter remains aloof — perhaps because she has seen some of our "male members" (if you will pardon the phrase),

        Cordially,

        Eleanor

        P.s. You will not get some bad news about Franklin's 1944 Presidential run.

    3. LionelHutzEsq

      Please, like I would believe that was from Eleanor Roosevelt without the third paragraph being dedicated to a hot, girl on girl bondage fantasy.

      1. OneTrueLiberal

        Unfortunately, Not-Governor Dewey has stolen my heart.

        "Franklin Beats Dewey!" now has an entirely new meaning to me.

        Please do not tell Franklin. Or Lorena Hickcox.

        Cordially,

        Eleanor

        P.S. Aren't tuna fish canapes divine?

    4. WriteyWriterton

      This isn't Neillist. At least I hope it isn't. Neillist seemed to know one end of a sentence from the other. if this is Neillist, he's even more diabolical/artful than I thought: he can pose convincingly as an illiterate deranged wingnut.

      Here's the giveaway. I don't think Neillist would ever confuse "its" and "it's." Not even intentionally. He had too much pride of authorship.

      1. glamourdammerung

        It is probably the same Breitard that spams here all day.

        Shame they clearly do not have a job or a family that cares about them.

  10. mourningnmerica

    I called the guy that is selling this item. I told him that as soon as I sell my Rand Paul signed "Restrooms for White Patrons Only" sign, I would buy it from him. We auctioned it off at a Heritage Foundation fundraiser for Tom Delay's legal defense. It went for $2,200,000, to a Libertarian Philanthropist from Birmingham. As soon as the check clears, I'm pressing the Buy It Now button.

  11. transfatz

    Sarah sanctified this sacred Xbox. It can restore virginity, change cross-hairs into surveyor's marks and lies into truth. This thing is fucking gold. You don't just give something like this away.

  12. NorthStarSpanx

    I think Murdoch's contract was the most extravagant thing she's ever signed. And ever will. Thanks to Blood Libel.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    "My name is David Morrill. I live in Alberta Ca"

    Wow, that was a tough sentence and a half. I hope his description gets better. As it is, I'm already baffled at the utter desperation that might drive a Canadian to seek out the autograph of a stupid, mean, rhetorically challenged and factually bereft half-term American governor. Is Canada now so clean that there are no sewers he can wallow in at home? Would they like to borrow Jack Abramoff or Karl Rove or Steve King? Please?

  14. donner_froh

    This is it–the history books will record the day that Sarah Palin's autograph on an X-Box couldn't fetch 1.1 million–her peak, her high water mark, the furthest extent of her influence. Public right wing craziness is tough to maintain year after year and most eventually are worn down by the pressure.

    And even if David Morrill of Alberta, Canada gets his money it won't be long until the next Sarah artifact surfaces for 1.2 million…

    Sorry, honey. No one said it would be easy. Don't let the door hit your fat ass, etc. etc.

  15. WhatTheHeck

    Sarah herself once touched this Pandora's box with the stroke of a pen and now can’t get the blood back in.

  16. 102415

    He would have been smarter to have her sign a glock 19. That would be fetching a pretty price right now.

  17. LionelHutzEsq

    God damn it. Do you remember before Bush when there would at least be one good "Canadian Money is Worthless" joke to be had here?

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    Slightly off-topic: How long before Sarah Palin blames the evil Teleprompter for inserting the "blood libel" line in her speech?

    Or is it just an old surveying term?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      I'm reposting my attempt to star a "Bud libel" meme. She was complaining about the lefty hipsters who dis the King o' Beers.

  19. SorosBot

    Oh, Riley, be careful with your alt text; Mario Kart is by Nintendo, and has never been available on an XBox (Microsoft).

    …yes, I am kind of a nerd.

  20. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I have a genuine Palin pubic hair for sale for $952,653.97 or a really good pastrami sandwich. I really love good pastrami.

    Nice blingee Mr Waggaman. I'd say it is approaching fine art but then I like black velvet Elvis paintings.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      One of my favorite Bourdain episodes was Portland, when he visited the Velveteria museum – I could spend days in that place!

  21. ShaveTheWhales

    Whatever it is that David does in Alberta Canada (and isn't that like saying "Cleveland, USA"?), I hope it's not marketing related.

    I mean, what is he (maybe) trying to sell here? An XBox360, which if the power supply hasn't blown up yet is worth maybe $100; and an admittedly large TundraTwat signature.

    There is, still, a market for the snowbillysig. But, let's say I just had to have one. Even if I didn't want to wait for another book tour or "lecture series", I'm 100% certain that I could send a representative after her with a $1000 good-faith donation to get face to face, and then, say, a $10,000 donation in exchange for her scrawl on a 50-cm square piece of sheet metal. Add 10 grand for the representative's expenses and compensation, and framing costs, and I'm at $21,100 (if, for some reason, I want a used XBox).

    [Of course, the above is sort of hypothetical -- I'm currently drinking a Natural Ice because it's cheap].

    Hmm, now that I think about it, this appears to be more of that there performance art, don't it. I preferred Karen Finley.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      I'd pay a fucklot more for the Natty Ice than I would for Snowcunt's scribble! BTW – Natty Ice is MUCH better than Bud Ice ever dreamed of being!

  22. Troubledog

    Box of horrors? You literally and specifically insulted Sarah Palin's vagina! Where's your motherfucking CIVILITY, sir?

    If civility becomes the law, who will stop Wesley Snipes when he gets out of the joint? Stallone is too old to freeze.

  23. 102415

    I'm looking at her handwriting and I'm thinking brainless formless narcissistic sexually depraved monster. You're welcome!

    1. chascates

      Great! Pat Buchanan, who thinks the Nazis got a raw deal in history, being interviewed by Andrea Mitchell, who has sex with Alan Greenspan.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        I could have gone all night without that image. And Pat jumps on the "oh, it doesn't just mean THAT any more bandwagon". For several hundred years "blood libel" has had one, very specific meaning; but now, after a few people have misused it, it just means "they said bad things about meeeeee".

        And Alan freaking Dershowitz is defending Palin's use of the term. Just coincidentally, he used it to describe the Goldstone Report. Even more-or-less liberal lawyers won't miss a chance to CYA.

        1. SorosBot

          Dershowitz has not been more-or-less liberal for a least a decade; he's a full-fledged neocon, always arguing will should blow up all the world's Muslims.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      I'm an anti-semiotist. I find the use of Loughner's crime as a synecdoche for American polity to be risible.

  24. Troubledog

    Also, totally, if he ever did sell it for a million, that bitch would be on him for a cut like a Muslim on a prayer rug. Then if he didn't pay, the death threats would begin. "What can I do?", Sarah would shrug. "I don't control them."

    But suddenly, everywhere, people with bad haircuts, always watching. And in his airship, safe in the distance, Krauthammer waits for the signal.

  25. WriteyWriterton

    Bud libel, Bud libel,Bud libel,Bud libel,Bud libel,Bud libel,Bud libel,Bud libel,Bud libel.

    Can I get a little love here? It's late, I'm not drunk, and I have to work tomorrow, so what the h*&l am I doing?

  26. imissopus

    Heard a good one tonight: What's the difference between a game of golf and Sarah Palin riding bareback through Wasilla?

    Golf is a hunt on a course.

  27. lulzmonger

    Stupid git ruined its pawn value by having Alaska's two-bit version of Imelda Marcos deface it.

    Alberta is Canada's Texas – rednecks galore, people with way more money than brains, & despite the oil-boom economy, nobody in their right mind will move there because it's such an utter fucking sinkhole of the human spirit.

    PSST! Hey, America, want another state? We'll take an old X-Box for it.

  28. Terry

    "It was one of the greatest thrills of my life to have watched Sarah Palin on CNN, SNL, Youtube, and then to see her right in front of me."

    Alberta must be a sad lonely place, or maybe it's just him.

  29. Redhead

    So no one wants something autographed by Palin? Maybe there's hope yet.

    (I know it's probably just that no one can afford to pay $1million for something they already have which this guy got by pushing kids out of the way hoping he could be on her reality TV!!! series, but let me have my moment of hope a little longer, at least till my coffee's gone)

  30. baconzgood

    $15 shipping???? C'mon man your charging 1.1 Mil for a video game console signed buy a moran you can bite the shipping dude.

    Oh….Blood libel….

  31. Plowmon

    At least Sarah Palin’s Child Labor Snack Shack is a free-market enterprise that provides mental health benefits as part of overall compensation so no one need resort to Glocks to obtain evaluation and treatment… Let's be civil and always look for that silver-lining! ;~)

  32. natoslug

    You all realize that this is $1.1 million Canadian, right? That's comes out to 87 cents American if you don't want to take the time to raid your kids' Monopoly sets for the cash.

      1. natoslug

        QUIT BRINGING REALITY INTO MY WORLD!!1!!ONE! I refuse to accept that the exchange rate has changed in the past 20 years! Do you realize how disheartening it was the last time I was up in Vancouver, B.C., ~2 years ago, and those damned snowbacks wouldn't even accept my US American dollars at some restaurants ? All snooty and elitist, with their sovereign currency and all. Bastards, the lot of 'em.

  33. deelzebub

    I'm going for full video game nerd here…..Sauron can't play Mario Kart on an XBOX360 because Mario is an exclusive Nintendo intellectual property. I really need to get out of the house more often.

  34. ttommyunger

    In keeping with her inflated ego, Sarah provides a signature even larger than John Fucking Hancock, fer Crissakes!

  35. hagajim

    Only box signed by Sarah that I might want would be the one of the chick who played her in Nailin' Palin….and I wouldn't pay for it.

  36. Wilcoxyz

    That's not her autograph, it's her password.

    So buying it and using it will get you a year in jail for violating her privacy. Of her box. Also.

  37. Rowdy5000

    I want to advocate that this is just that sweet, quiet and shy Canadian humour, but I don't know about that autobiography. Too much deadpan.

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