guess he doesn't want dishwashing help

D.C. Bar Wants You To Know It Hates Mexicans

Why does Adams Morgan bar The Black Squirrel have a current-affairs blog? And why does it, in between posts about sports, get political in a city where its customers are very political? The Messicans made them do it.

The next time Stephen Colbert slips into his alter ego and skewers the illegal-alien issue to laughs, he might want to consider the family of Chandra Levy, the 24-year-old intern who went jogging in Rock Creek Park on May 1, 2001 and was brutally murdered. […]

The Levys are hardly the only U.S. family to discover that not all illegal aliens come here to work and eventually enter the mainstream. Too many come here to ply their illicit trades, take up with gangs and live in the shadow of polite society.

They are a menace who eat up tax dollars and terrorize neighborhoods. That is a reality different from the one often peddled on Capitol Hill

We never liked black squirrels. You notice how they’ve invaded regions in this country they weren’t previously and have displaced the hardworking Protestant brown squirrels? Wait, what are we saying? STOP THE HATE. GET DRUNK. SHUT UP, BARKEEP. [Black Squirrel]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. SorosBot

        But I thought all Latinos on the East Coast were Puerto Ricans, just like all of them in California and the Southwest are Mexicans, all the ones in Florida were Cuban, and all in MLB are Dominican.

        1. Terry

          I was standing in line at a carry out a few years back here in the DC suburbs. Two hispanic men were behind me in line chatting. One said "Lima, Lima, Lima, is everyone in this town from Lima?". Not certain why, but I broke out in a bad case of the giggles when he said that.

    1. Over_Ed

      I know, I thought "Where am I gonna get my pro bono hours from"? Well I sure as shit ain't gonna blow my legal aid sized check at the Black Squirrel.

      btw, they prefer to be called African American Squirrels

  1. Cicada

    From another post about Michelle Rhee:
    D.C.’s public schools have been a dumping ground for decades, turning out Future Car Jockeys of America, Professional Panhandlers of America and attitudinally challenged nitwits who end up at DCRA.

    Methinks it isn't just the Messicans this guy has a problem with.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Oddly, I'd say the same of the trustifarians to whom his establishment caters. Just sub "prep school" for "very, very urban school", & you're golden.

  2. Billmatic

    I didn't know having 80 children, blaring tejano out of their trucks and building jaliscos on every corner counted as terrorism.

    I thought the last one was a public service that made up for all of it.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I want to start a band, a bit of a mash-up thing: Narcocarpintero, the songs of the Carpenters, possibly translated to Spanish, done in Narcocorrido style.

      Acabamos de querer…

  3. CapeClod

    We have to wait until the next time Stephen Colbert does one of his Estaban Colberto routines to consider this? Fine. While we're waiting pull me a Guinness and STFU.

  4. ttommyunger

    Well I for one, look to barkeeps for all my social and political guidance. Thank you, Wonkette for the tip.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    And the next time any of those damn comedians invokes Legos for cheap laughs, remember they're a choking hazard and I wouldn't be surprised (though I haven't bothered to research it) if some children died as a result. Children! Think that's funny, you insensitive comedians?

  6. Mahousu

    The Black Squirrel guy has it right. Everyone knows it's all them illegals doing all them crimes. Why, check out this study, which reports that "U.S.-born adult men are incarcerated at a rate over two-and-a-half times greater than that of foreign-born men" and "cities with large immigrant populations showed larger reductions in property and violent crime than cities without large immigrant populations."

    Oh, wait, I meant this post, which reports that "In the past decade, as the number of illegal immigrants in [Arizona] grew rapidly, the violent crime rate dropped by 23 percent, the property crime rate by 28 percent."

    No, I, uh, Chandra Levy! Did anyone mention Chandra Levy?

    1. Lazy Media

      Duh. Anchor babies, who are technically U.S.-born, are committing crimes at 2.5 times the rate of their already criminal mastermind parents (because Americans are naturally smarter than Messicans).

    2. Rarian Rakista

      Good Mexican parents beat the hell out of their children when they come looking like gang members, god bless those magnificent child abusers.

      In my teenage years, I dated the daughter of an illegal single father and he made it a point to show me his knife collection before I went on a date with his daughter Carolina. I was shaking so hard at 2nd base that I stimulated her to orgasm with just visceral fear.

    1. Rarian Rakista

      I used to deliver pizza in Phoenix and the immigrant families were some of the best tippers around, I would sneak them the leftover pizzas at the end of the night sometimes as well. A lot of times there would be 2 families in a 2 bedroom apartment.

  7. SmutBoffin

    Never been to DC, so I've never been to this 'tard watering hole, but it sounds like the kinda place that would prohibit backwards baseball hats and bandannas to keep the 'undesirables' out.

  8. horsedreamer_1

    No Corona. No Tecate. No Dos Equis. No Pacifico.

    His cheap beers SPEAK AMERICAN. Only Pabst, Schlitz, & Schaefer need apply.

  9. weejee

    Squirrels are rats with bushy tails. Do you like rats in your neighborhood? No, then say the same about squirrels, gray, black, or magenta.

  10. DashboardBuddha

    A black squirrel hates brown people? It will take a while for me to get my head around this.

  11. japandroid

    The tools that own that joint are a right-wing woman from Houston and a guy who used to be a "sports writer" for Rev. Moon's Washington Times. Just sayin…! They can post whatever show-their-ass ignorance they want on their blog but, having done so, now I know where I won't be drinking anymore.

  12. TooncesDied

    "They are a menace who eat up tax dollars and terrorize neighborhoods."

    Jesus, Mary and Joseph in a canoe…

    Prejudice: (Merriam-Webster): an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics.

    Well I can scratch this Adams Morgan dump off my list. Assholes.

  13. Winnie_Cooper

    Yeah, I dislike going there as well due to the "speak English" BS. I just want to walk up and order in Russian to see what they do.

    But you have the other one across the street, and they are the exact same cheesesteak, so at least you've got options.

    1. SorosBot

      Yeah, Pat's has been a decent way to my fix for the delicious artery-clogging, waist-expanding treats.

      1. Winnie_Cooper

        Are you trying to tell me that "Wiz wit" isn't proper English? I'm pretty sure that contention would get you shot 'round these parts.

  14. DashboardBuddha

    The black squirrel is a relation to the gray squirrel which is an invasive species, who in turn drove out the red squirrel.

    Really Irony…really?

  15. DashboardBuddha

    "discover that not all illegal aliens; white people born here, visiting Europeans, black people, Asians, Serbs, Croats, Icelanders, and visitors from Uranus come here to work and eventually enter the mainstream.


  16. DonnyKerabotsos

    I love that guy's radio commercials, especially the one where he exhorts everyone to "speak In-galesh."

  17. Failure_Artist

    If you have to go back ten years to find a case of someone murdered by illegal immigrants maybe there isn't a big crime wave going on in that community.

  18. Oblios_Cap

    not all illegal aliens come here to work and eventually enter the mainstream. Too many come here to ply their illicit trades, take up with gangs and live in the shadow of polite society.

    Because no one born here would ever think of doing such things!

  19. comrad_darkness

    So much for my plan to buy all the gay hispanic interns a drink at the black squirrel in honor Daniel Hernandez.

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