Saturday’s shooting spree and attempted assassination in Arizona is a story of senseless violence, mental instability, but also bravery. But also also, it is a story of dads being dads. Dads: Why won’t they leave you alone? Why are they constantly asking you to turn down the music up there? Why are they always trying to mess up your murderous rampage at the local grocery store? GOD, DADS, YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND. Obviously, as Jared Loughner shows us, trying to plan out an assassination when you still live with your parents is the worst. “Get out of my room! I’m trying to work on the grisly murder of a government official and random bystanders! Jeeeeeeeeeez! Can’t I get a little privacy?”
Mysterious black bag in hand, Jared Loughner ran into the desert, his angry father in futile pursuit of his truck.
On the morning of the shooting, a mumbling Jared Loughner fled after his father asked him why he was removing a black bag from the trunk of a family car, said Nanos and Rick Kastigar, chief of the department’s investigations bureau. Investigators are still searching for the bag.
The black bag was full of feelings his dad couldn’t understand, okay? GET OUT OF HIS LIIIIIIIIFE. WHO CARES WHERE HE IS GOING?!
One close high school friend who requested anonymity to avoid the publicity surrounding the case said he would wait outside 10 minutes for Jared to leave the house when they were going out. When Jared would get into the car, he’d say that it took so long because his parents were hassling him.
Ugh, parents, right? They always want to know where you’re going, and if you’re going to kill any members of Congress while you’re there.
And of course, like every young American man in this modern economy who isn’t a gaywad — especially if he is inane and insane like this one — his only worthwhile skill is stuffing khakis with mayo and sandwich fixin’s.
Loughner also jumped from paid job to job because he couldn’t get along with co-workers, according to the close high school friend who requested anonymity. Employers included a Quiznos sandwich shop and Banana Republic, the friend said.
On his application at the animal shelter, he listed customer service work at Eddie Bauer.
But he didn’t let all of this cramp his style. Jared Loughner was pure cool.
McKinley recalled that once he yelled to some children on the street: “I’m coming to get you!”
What a pathetic monster. And not the good kind of pathetic monster, like King Kong. The Donkey Kong kind. The scum kind. [AP]