EMOTIONAL WEATHER REPORT  6:40 pm January 11, 2011

Wonkbot Threat Level: Snowy, Fearful

by Ken Layne

I met a young child beside a dead pony. I met a white man who walked a black dogIt’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with syphilis but instead we drew survey marks on her head and sent her to get a GED. Who wins? America wins! Also the Wonkbot has finally thrown out your teevee with all its vulgar garbage inside.

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 130 comments }

ttommyunger January 11, 2011 at 6:44 pm

The Terror Wonkbot is way cool, but I haz teh sadz. I miss Uber Dumb Cunt Tom Ridge telling me what color to shit my diaper today. He was so big and handsome, and he shore had a purty mouth.

Mahousu January 11, 2011 at 7:30 pm

He also had a reassuring presence. I mean, I always figured things couldn't be that bad if they put this big, dumb guy in charge of domestic security.

I think that's the same reason they used St. Bernards for rescue work – if you got caught in an avalanche, you'd think, "They're sending some big, clumsy dog that could drown in its own drool after me. How bad can things be?"

Maybe we'd feel better if Wonkbot tied a barrel of brandy around its neck.

donner_froh January 11, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Ridge had such noble presence in his size 54 extra long portly wool polyester blend suit jacket from the Harrisburg, PA Big n' Tall store.

ttommyunger January 11, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Great analogy! Tom Ridge, rescue dog. “What is it, Tom?” “Woof, woof!” “Little Billy fell in the well?” “Woof!”

horsedreamer_1 January 12, 2011 at 9:01 am

We're not here to talk about the past, condemn what occurred; we must move on.

Cistern the page, ttommyunger.

ttommyunger January 12, 2011 at 10:02 am

But you see, when one reaches his seventh decade, he has so much more past than future; it is a natural thing for me. If you are lucky, you'll see.

nounverb911 January 11, 2011 at 6:49 pm

New York City Declares Weather Emergency

I guess Bloomberg and Christie will have to stay home for this one.

PublicLuxury January 11, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Christie will blame the Kardashians and teachers for bringing the wrath of Snow.

horsedreamer_1 January 12, 2011 at 9:02 am

Paris Hilton. In which case, Christie will not be able to be found fallcious by Politifact, since he wouldn't have specified what manner of "snow" — & doubtless, Paris will either be in Vail or doing rails, this time of year.

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 9:51 pm

i hope they enjoy the gheyness together.

BarryOPotter January 12, 2011 at 8:34 am

Good lord, New York has gotten so soft since last year, when they were talking all kinds of shit about DC's inability to cope with a little crystalline water falling from the sky, collecting on the ground and producing Snomaggedon 2010. Man-up, NYC!

CapnFatback January 11, 2011 at 6:50 pm

I'm glad Dana Perino has found work.

PublicLuxury January 11, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Do you think Dana had a stick up her ass, literally?

Tommmcatt January 11, 2011 at 6:52 pm

As dildos go, this one is pretty well spoken.

Unlike Thomas Friedman….

GuanoFaucet January 11, 2011 at 7:08 pm

And William Kristol…

Dana Marschz January 11, 2011 at 7:23 pm

George W. Bush

Rarian Rakista January 11, 2011 at 10:52 pm

Do women want Artificial Intelligence in their dildos? Will conversationalist codpieces rule the dance halls in the year 2020, I can get working on that. Just tell me.

CrankyLttlCamperette January 12, 2011 at 12:53 am

I guess I can see a conversational dildo, but you'd only catch, like, every third word or so…

Crank_Tango January 11, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Today, we are all wearing two kinds of Helmut. Gross.

Angry_Marmot January 11, 2011 at 7:39 pm

I'm staying in and polishing mine.

BaldarTFlagass January 12, 2011 at 6:59 am

Today, we are all helmets or anteaters. well, except for the wimmen here.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 11, 2011 at 6:52 pm

So is it just me that can't read the crawl while listening to the Wonkbot. I'd like to, but just can't do it no matter how hard I try.

You know, because the words have meaning and language is important and the government is changing them and somebody might have to do something about it.

sati_demise January 11, 2011 at 6:58 pm

I can't either. I have to run the video twice, once with sound on and then once without.

Looking for the grammar police is hard work.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 11, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Page view conspiracy via youtube.

Katydid January 11, 2011 at 7:41 pm

I can't do it either. I have to watch it twice. I figured either I was just dumb, or you can't really focus on two things at once, if you care about both things. My kid appears to do it, and I remember thinking I could do it as a teen. In fact, if I'm really concentrating on something, I have to turn off music now.

Since it's probably middle age that's doing it to me, I'm going to blame the government instead.

bflrtsplk January 11, 2011 at 7:59 pm

I've watched it four times and I still haven't got it, but then I am dumb.

imissopus January 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm

I struggle with it as well. I think the crawl moves a little too quickly. Or else because I don't have TV and thus never see cable news anymore, I'm just not used to it.

HurricaneAli January 11, 2011 at 8:43 pm

I have a hard time understanding the Stephen Hawking monologue but I am hard of hearing; my ADD allows me to flit mentally between the text and the sound. Overall, though, the whole thing is totally win in my book, so there you are.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 11, 2011 at 9:20 pm

What a coincidence! My ADD actually helps me to… Oh look, a bird!

HurricaneAli January 11, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Getting distracted by shiny objects does not have to be a negative!

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Two times for me, at a minimum. I'm an Old, so I forget what I'm watching while I'm, uh, what?

slowhansolo January 12, 2011 at 12:31 am

Not just you. Can't decide if I'm old or just slow.

BaldarTFlagass January 12, 2011 at 7:02 am

Hell, I get distracted and fall down just trying to follow the bouncing ball and sing along on them old music videos from when I was a kid.

BO_Bill January 11, 2011 at 6:55 pm

When I think threat level, I know the answer is a rehabilitation camp in Yemen.

SmutBoffin January 11, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Cheer up Wonkbot TSA-1138! It, uh, gets better.

I hear they let robots serve openly in the armed forces, now.

Angry_Marmot January 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

They're already there. We're here, we're gear, get used to it!

transfatz January 11, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Don't query, don't broadcast?

sati_demise January 11, 2011 at 7:01 pm

okokokokok. I like the wonkbot now that he haz teh pets. A cannot get excited about a roomba.

Obama is comin' to Arizona. Maybe ASU can give him a belated degree.
But, massive securiteh……massive. This is Palin country if you want to know.

DoktorZoom January 11, 2011 at 7:13 pm

I'm half-wondering if the Tea Party is going to show up with guns, to show that they won't stand for his tyranny, and to emphasize that waving guns around doesn't mean that they're promoting violence. Because they totally abhor violence. Except when it's time to refresh the Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants.

Which it totally isn't.

This time.

SorosBot January 11, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Wouldn't a degree from Arizona State, even an honorary one, result in an automatic retraction of a Harvard Law School admission?

SayItWithWookies January 11, 2011 at 10:25 pm

President Obama's trip should shut up that chickenshit Alan West, who lately complained that it's a failure of leadership to go to Afghanistan secretly. Unlike that previous fellow, who used to announce his trips weeks in advance and who would speak in stadiums without any security.

Also, roombas and pets are wonderful together.

glamourdammerung January 11, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Maybe they should get West to stand in for Obama and remove the security. After all, I am sure the teabaggers could tell them apart.

weejee January 11, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Although we're to wear bicycle helmets over our hardhats, at least our beloved Homerland Insecurity isn't directing Wonkbot to call for our putting cups in our bikes. Would seem the Napolitanochiks think the terrorists will be fair sports and only be giving us high cheese and chin music instead of taking the low road with shots at our TrukNutz.

SmutBoffin January 11, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Just yesterday I remarked how cool it was that Ken owns what is apparently the last TV ever made in America ever, and now it's gone?

What gives?

bumfug January 11, 2011 at 7:16 pm

It was made in America. It broke.

HempDogbane January 11, 2011 at 7:38 pm

He traded it for iMovie.

Angry_Marmot January 11, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I've got a Curtis Mathes out in the garage if someone can figure out how to ship the damn thing.

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Got a giant cathode-ray death machine in the basement that I'm afraid will fall off a dresser and kill someone. Note that I'm NOT dealing in violent anti-wingnut rhetoric here.

bitchincamaro2 January 11, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Chinese delivery boys on bicycles in the snow. I don't know about y'alls but It sure puts me in my comfort zone

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Right in my wheelhouse, too. Hey, look! "Wheelhouse"! I haz a funny!

slowhansolo January 12, 2011 at 12:37 am

This is a win-win all around. They're doing a job an American wouldn't do, and couldn't if he wanted to. So it's cool, they got it covered.

And really, bikes? They make you sweaty, and don't even have windows.

EdFlintstone January 11, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Does this mean I can pick some food from my Glenn Beck approved crisis garden and open the Beck freeze dried foods soon?

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Love those Glenn Beck freeze-dried hobo beans.

slowhansolo January 12, 2011 at 12:39 am

It's not a garden. It's a survival patch. Only women like so-called First Lady grow gardens.

And exercise. Exercise is for women, too.

slithytoves January 11, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Kittenz! = sublime relief from life/reality crap. Silly Terrorbot.

HedonismBot January 11, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Wonkbot has a cool hard hat. Now you need more Wonkbots – a gay cowboy Wonkbot, gay Indian chief Wonkbot, gay cop Wonkbot, gay black leather fetish Wonkbot and gay sailor (is that redundant?) Wonkbot – and the Village Peoplebot reunion will be complete.

edgydrifter January 11, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Portland's icepocalypse has been postponed by two hours this evening. Expect up to one inch of "winter mix" overnight. We'll probably be fending off scavengers and chuds by morning. Good luck and godspeed, Wonkette, from us doomed souls in the PNW.

bitchincamaro2 January 11, 2011 at 7:31 pm

For a second there, I thought you were braving some seriously nasty weather in the first Portland. Maine, tha is. Haha. I survived four loooooong winters there. Nothing like your Portland.

edgydrifter January 11, 2011 at 7:44 pm

One inch in Portland, OR = One yard in Portland, ME. It's the total civic freakout threshold.

horsedreamer_1 January 12, 2011 at 9:06 am

Isn't everybody too stoned or tweaked to notice?

emmelemm January 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Yeah, I told my boss if I see one flake fall from the sky, I'm in my car and on the way home. (Here in Seattle.) Well, dammit, I haven't seen one flake fall from the sky yet! Where is my Snowpocalyse??

Rarian Rakista January 11, 2011 at 7:54 pm

In Portland here too, just gave a 20 to a young couple from California shivering outside the downtown Jack in the Box.

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 9:56 pm

The temperate zone is intemperate. Or is it just me?

transfatz January 11, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Terror alert at neutrino. We're looking at 18 inches of snow coming in followed by 4 inches of rain.-Doomed Soul in the inland PNW

Silversmith January 12, 2011 at 12:17 am

No picnic here either in SoCA, pal. Hit a low of 65. I had to put on a sweater.

WhatTheHeck January 11, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Do Wonkbots dream? Do they have memories? Can they have a sad?

There are times when it’s better to be a bot than a human. Now is one of those times.

emmelemm January 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

If they cry, do they short-circuit?

Angry_Marmot January 11, 2011 at 8:12 pm

And how do they respond to the nude girl on a bearskin rug in the Voigt-Kampff test?

emmelemm January 11, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Does it kill the turtle?

BarryOPotter January 12, 2011 at 8:52 am

Only the orange Wonkbots cry, while the others look on disapprovingly in quiet disgust…

undeterredbyreality January 11, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Do they dream of electric sheeple?

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 9:21 pm

Beat me to it, you f*6k.

vulpes82 January 11, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Only of electric sheep.

ShaveTheWhales January 11, 2011 at 7:30 pm

BTW, what about that exploding BMW?

glamourdammerung January 11, 2011 at 7:34 pm

While the facts released make it sound really, really odd, I think folks are waiting for more information instead of jumping to conclusions.

edgydrifter January 11, 2011 at 7:38 pm

That doesn't sound like us.

glamourdammerung January 11, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I admit that it really does get tiring being the "bigger person" all the time.

Hopefully, Shirley Sherrod takes a cue and decides to end that streak by holding Little Andy and friend accountable.

Radiotherapy January 11, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Right, make sure you stay germane to the subject.

ShaveTheWhales January 11, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Hey, it's a reference to the article. And I'm only 1/4 germane, 3/4 norwegiane.

Radiotherapy January 11, 2011 at 10:44 pm

You are, my friend, neither ass, nor dick.

HempDogbane January 11, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Wonkette, I do not like how you are controlling the language.

imissopus January 11, 2011 at 7:48 pm

I have to say that the only thing getting me through the last three days, besides the snark, is that Netflix ad starring Meghan Fox's tits. I've refreshed pages multiple times to get it to show up.

Sophist FCD January 11, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Did you know that it cost $100,000 per second of screen time to render those in a computer? And also there were some robots I guess? Or something?

Plowmon January 11, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Let's get back to getting all worked up about steroids in ML baseball.

SudsMcKenzie January 11, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Thank you, Ive been saying that for over a year. I even made a sign!!11

Plowmon January 11, 2011 at 8:33 pm

I can't believe how few recognize the importance of this.

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 9:59 pm

No HOF for any of them. Not this year, and not any year. Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Sammy Sosa can buy tickets to get in. And Raffy Palmeiro, too, the perjuring perjuror.

PublicLuxury January 11, 2011 at 7:55 pm

I think the Wonkbot needs to live dangerously. Loose the helmets. Real Bots wear a baseball cap. Bots that are 'connected' wear a Fedora.

Rarian Rakista January 11, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Is this bot programmed with Asimov's rules of robotics?

sati_demise January 12, 2011 at 2:04 am

Hipster wonkbots-cool

PublicLuxury January 11, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Do Wonkbots date porn stars?

donner_froh January 11, 2011 at 8:14 pm

The stories that little guy could tell….

horsedreamer_1 January 12, 2011 at 9:08 am

Ken had to drive to Vegas in the dead of nite Monday to pick-up the Wonkbot from the AEE.

SayItWithWookies January 11, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Mine does. Oh, wait…

bflrtsplk January 11, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Next Xmas, i wanta GI Joe Wonkbot to go with my cabbage patch Wonkbot.

LakeAfflicted January 11, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Snow, you say? BRING IT. Where I live we eat that shit for breakfast.

No, we don't. But we could theoretically use it to make some maple syrup candy, if stores still sold maple syrup instead of that corn syrup + "maple flavoring" garbage.

Angry_Marmot January 11, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Stir in some condensed milk and vanilla, sugar to taste= snow ice cream!

keepem_sikanpor January 11, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Jeez, Ken. A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall? That song always makes me cry. Especially during times like these. At least the kitties are cute and wonkbot is… something. And I do have alcohol.

fuflans January 11, 2011 at 8:33 pm

isn't anybody on the michael jackson beat?

notreelyhelping January 11, 2011 at 8:35 pm

I have that voice saying things in my head. Whatever will I do now? Please stop, voice in my head.

weejee January 11, 2011 at 8:42 pm

In case the putsch-back by the rich-wing blogosphere is getting some, maybe one, of the Wonketteriate to have a glimmer of a thought that the 24/7 vitriol from the right is mostly just enthusiastic political rhetoric, then you should invest 6+ minutes with Rachel Maddow.

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Excellent. Thanks for the link. Now for a Prozac-bourbon cocktail.

Radiotherapy January 11, 2011 at 8:46 pm

I've always been more than a little robophobic, but three things over the years have softened that fear:
1. MST3K. Tom Servo, Crow, and the rest of the Robot Roll Call.
2. In that iRobot movie with Will Smith, I realized there is no way to portably power these
bitches up to any dangerous level. Fuck, my iphone battery won't last more than five
hours. Hence, presently, they are glorified Hollywood props.
3. Most importantly, Tom Servo's spawn, Wonkbot TSA-1138 — he/she/it is the shit.

VinnyThePooh January 11, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Cambot and Gypsy.
I miss my pre-intensedebate Wonkette name of Servo.

Crank_Tango January 12, 2011 at 2:37 am

Bender B. Rodriguez or GTFO.

sati_demise January 11, 2011 at 9:28 pm

"Calmed down"? you hear what Rush said?
And the Palin hysterical with self pity.

am drowning in chaos in Arizona.

Anyone want to help the White Angels cover Fred Phelps so they do not fuck up a funeral for a child?
http://www.tucsonmemorial.org/

share in Tucson please

Jukesgrrl January 12, 2011 at 3:21 am

Oh, honey, I'm so with you. I don't know if I can handle tomorrow.

WriteyWriterton January 11, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Terror Alert Level is Red. Dumbf*^k Red, to be precise about it.

AddHomonym January 11, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Belt and suspenders. Helmets on helmets. Prosthetic foreheads on our real heads. Where does it end?

HempDogbane January 12, 2011 at 12:15 am

3/4 ton 4×4 w/Truknutz

DoktorZoom January 12, 2011 at 12:28 am

I saw the worst bands of my generation
applied in Magic Marker to drywall.

Silversmith January 12, 2011 at 12:43 am

This on top of the earlier "Don't go Full TimeCube" remark … you're killing them!! Well, me at least.

transfatz January 11, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Bad terror alert. Worstest terror alertissimo.
Could we ramp up the mind control a bit. I'm tired of driving this thing.

undeterredbyreality January 11, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Posts are disappearing again. They are controlling our grammers. We must stop them!

iburl January 11, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Why is Snowy the Cat Fearful? Is it because the funkbot doesn't toast to block rockin' beatz?

SayItWithWookies January 11, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Department of Human Security? Look mister, Jesus didn't write anywhere in the Constitution that we were supposed to treat all those other people as if they were Americans.

keepem_sikanpor January 11, 2011 at 11:24 pm

!1. Why don't responses to comments automatically drop down (so annoying to click on the responses. I hope you someone can help with that).
2.!. Where are Extemporanous and Nigerian Businessman?
3. Carry on.

Crank_Tango January 12, 2011 at 2:36 am

after a post gets so many comments, you have to expand each one. no fixing it that I am aware of, but I am not aware of much these days.

JoshuaNorton January 11, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Needz moar Sarah Palin “People-We-Should-Just-Plain-Up-and-Shoot-in-the-Head" maps.

OneTrueLiberal January 12, 2011 at 1:01 am

Franklin and I are deeply concerned about these robots.

They think differently that we do, and thus are dangerous.

Cordially,

Eleanor

chascates January 12, 2011 at 1:11 am

Remember the good old days of the Bush presidency? White House press secretary Ari Fleischer on 09/26/01 "… denounced Mr. Maher [Bill Maher, host of the late-night talk show "Politically Incorrect." who said that the hijackers were not cowards but that it was cowardly for the United States to launch cruise missiles on targets thousands of miles away], saying of news organizations, and all Americans, that in times like these "people have to watch what they say and watch what they do."

Ah, good times.

From the NY Times on the 10th:
“At a time like this,” Mr. Fleischer said, “what the nation wants more than anything else is for people to rise above the nonsense and the politics and to be gracious. There’s nothing like letting people see your heart, your emotion. Facebook and Twitter don’t convey emotion.”

He was one gracious son-of-a-bitch.

dogscantlookup January 12, 2011 at 1:57 am

Nation of Kuru

MiniMencken January 12, 2011 at 3:02 am

Not trying to be a Phillip K. Dick or anything, but can you have sex with the Wonkbot, the way they do with the andies over on Mars?

proudgrampa January 12, 2011 at 6:39 am

Do Wonkbots Dream of Electric Sheep?

Jukesgrrl January 12, 2011 at 3:20 am

I met a dead bird beside a dead ocean.

gurukalehuru January 12, 2011 at 5:42 am

A BMW SUV bursting into flames is sort of like a 47 story steel building collapsing straight down at free fall speed after a dinky little fire burning for a few hours in the upper left corner of it.
(more on the Ashley Turton case over at http://www.gurukalehuru.com, at least for a couple more hours)

4TheTurnstiles January 12, 2011 at 7:02 am

FWIW, I haven't had any helmet properly speaking since 1997.

wegot2dobetter January 12, 2011 at 8:45 am

Likely the threat level and anxieties will remain high until the premiere of American Idol, America's collective shiny object.

SorosBot January 12, 2011 at 9:20 am

The Snowpacalypse II has been a bust. After all the hype, here we've got officially just 5 inches, although it looks more like two or three to me. New York didn't even close the schools. Washington got two inches, which knowing them means the entire city will be shut down until Monday.

And emergency declarers Bloomberg and Christie get to look stupid again, going from ignoring an actually bad storm to hysterical overreaction to a mild one.

stew1 January 12, 2011 at 9:30 am

Re. Palin's address this morning: not even going to try and be clever here–go fuck yourself you sick lowlife.

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