emotional weather report

Wonkbot Threat Level: Snowy, Fearful

I met a young child beside a dead pony. I met a white man who walked a black dogIt’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with syphilis but instead we drew survey marks on her head and sent her to get a GED. Who wins? America wins! Also the Wonkbot has finally thrown out your teevee with all its vulgar garbage inside.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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Hola wonkerados.

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  1. ttommyunger

    The Terror Wonkbot is way cool, but I haz teh sadz. I miss Uber Dumb Cunt Tom Ridge telling me what color to shit my diaper today. He was so big and handsome, and he shore had a purty mouth.

    1. Mahousu

      He also had a reassuring presence. I mean, I always figured things couldn't be that bad if they put this big, dumb guy in charge of domestic security.

      I think that's the same reason they used St. Bernards for rescue work – if you got caught in an avalanche, you'd think, "They're sending some big, clumsy dog that could drown in its own drool after me. How bad can things be?"

      Maybe we'd feel better if Wonkbot tied a barrel of brandy around its neck.

      1. ttommyunger

        Great analogy! Tom Ridge, rescue dog. “What is it, Tom?” “Woof, woof!” “Little Billy fell in the well?” “Woof!”

        1. horsedreamer_1

          We're not here to talk about the past, condemn what occurred; we must move on.

          Cistern the page, ttommyunger.

          1. ttommyunger

            But you see, when one reaches his seventh decade, he has so much more past than future; it is a natural thing for me. If you are lucky, you'll see.

  2. nounverb911

    New York City Declares Weather Emergency

    I guess Bloomberg and Christie will have to stay home for this one.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Paris Hilton. In which case, Christie will not be able to be found fallcious by Politifact, since he wouldn't have specified what manner of "snow" — & doubtless, Paris will either be in Vail or doing rails, this time of year.

    1. BarryOPotter

      Good lord, New York has gotten so soft since last year, when they were talking all kinds of shit about DC's inability to cope with a little crystalline water falling from the sky, collecting on the ground and producing Snomaggedon 2010. Man-up, NYC!

    1. Rarian Rakista

      Do women want Artificial Intelligence in their dildos? Will conversationalist codpieces rule the dance halls in the year 2020, I can get working on that. Just tell me.

      1. CrankyLttlCamperette

        I guess I can see a conversational dildo, but you'd only catch, like, every third word or so…

  3. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    So is it just me that can't read the crawl while listening to the Wonkbot. I'd like to, but just can't do it no matter how hard I try.

    You know, because the words have meaning and language is important and the government is changing them and somebody might have to do something about it.

    1. sati_demise

      I can't either. I have to run the video twice, once with sound on and then once without.

      Looking for the grammar police is hard work.

    2. Katydid

      I can't do it either. I have to watch it twice. I figured either I was just dumb, or you can't really focus on two things at once, if you care about both things. My kid appears to do it, and I remember thinking I could do it as a teen. In fact, if I'm really concentrating on something, I have to turn off music now.

      Since it's probably middle age that's doing it to me, I'm going to blame the government instead.

    3. imissopus

      I struggle with it as well. I think the crawl moves a little too quickly. Or else because I don't have TV and thus never see cable news anymore, I'm just not used to it.

    4. HurricaneAli

      I have a hard time understanding the Stephen Hawking monologue but I am hard of hearing; my ADD allows me to flit mentally between the text and the sound. Overall, though, the whole thing is totally win in my book, so there you are.

    5. WriteyWriterton

      Two times for me, at a minimum. I'm an Old, so I forget what I'm watching while I'm, uh, what?

    6. BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, I get distracted and fall down just trying to follow the bouncing ball and sing along on them old music videos from when I was a kid.

  4. SmutBoffin

    Cheer up Wonkbot TSA-1138! It, uh, gets better.

    I hear they let robots serve openly in the armed forces, now.

  5. sati_demise

    okokokokok. I like the wonkbot now that he haz teh pets. A cannot get excited about a roomba.

    Obama is comin' to Arizona. Maybe ASU can give him a belated degree.
    But, massive securiteh……massive. This is Palin country if you want to know.

    1. DoktorZoom

      I'm half-wondering if the Tea Party is going to show up with guns, to show that they won't stand for his tyranny, and to emphasize that waving guns around doesn't mean that they're promoting violence. Because they totally abhor violence. Except when it's time to refresh the Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants.

      Which it totally isn't.

      This time.

    2. SorosBot

      Wouldn't a degree from Arizona State, even an honorary one, result in an automatic retraction of a Harvard Law School admission?

    3. SayItWithWookies

      President Obama's trip should shut up that chickenshit Alan West, who lately complained that it's a failure of leadership to go to Afghanistan secretly. Unlike that previous fellow, who used to announce his trips weeks in advance and who would speak in stadiums without any security.

      Also, roombas and pets are wonderful together.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Maybe they should get West to stand in for Obama and remove the security. After all, I am sure the teabaggers could tell them apart.

  6. weejee

    Although we're to wear bicycle helmets over our hardhats, at least our beloved Homerland Insecurity isn't directing Wonkbot to call for our putting cups in our bikes. Would seem the Napolitanochiks think the terrorists will be fair sports and only be giving us high cheese and chin music instead of taking the low road with shots at our TrukNutz.

  7. SmutBoffin

    Just yesterday I remarked how cool it was that Ken owns what is apparently the last TV ever made in America ever, and now it's gone?

    What gives?

          1. WriteyWriterton

            Got a giant cathode-ray death machine in the basement that I'm afraid will fall off a dresser and kill someone. Note that I'm NOT dealing in violent anti-wingnut rhetoric here.

  8. bitchincamaro2

    Chinese delivery boys on bicycles in the snow. I don't know about y'alls but It sure puts me in my comfort zone

    1. slowhansolo

      This is a win-win all around. They're doing a job an American wouldn't do, and couldn't if he wanted to. So it's cool, they got it covered.

      And really, bikes? They make you sweaty, and don't even have windows.

  9. EdFlintstone

    Does this mean I can pick some food from my Glenn Beck approved crisis garden and open the Beck freeze dried foods soon?

  10. HedonismBot

    Wonkbot has a cool hard hat. Now you need more Wonkbots – a gay cowboy Wonkbot, gay Indian chief Wonkbot, gay cop Wonkbot, gay black leather fetish Wonkbot and gay sailor (is that redundant?) Wonkbot – and the Village Peoplebot reunion will be complete.

  11. edgydrifter

    Portland's icepocalypse has been postponed by two hours this evening. Expect up to one inch of "winter mix" overnight. We'll probably be fending off scavengers and chuds by morning. Good luck and godspeed, Wonkette, from us doomed souls in the PNW.

    1. bitchincamaro2

      For a second there, I thought you were braving some seriously nasty weather in the first Portland. Maine, tha is. Haha. I survived four loooooong winters there. Nothing like your Portland.

    2. emmelemm

      Yeah, I told my boss if I see one flake fall from the sky, I'm in my car and on the way home. (Here in Seattle.) Well, dammit, I haven't seen one flake fall from the sky yet! Where is my Snowpocalyse??

    3. transfatz

      Terror alert at neutrino. We're looking at 18 inches of snow coming in followed by 4 inches of rain.-Doomed Soul in the inland PNW

  12. WhatTheHeck

    Do Wonkbots dream? Do they have memories? Can they have a sad?

    There are times when it’s better to be a bot than a human. Now is one of those times.

    1. glamourdammerung

      While the facts released make it sound really, really odd, I think folks are waiting for more information instead of jumping to conclusions.

        1. glamourdammerung

          I admit that it really does get tiring being the "bigger person" all the time.

          Hopefully, Shirley Sherrod takes a cue and decides to end that streak by holding Little Andy and friend accountable.

  13. imissopus

    I have to say that the only thing getting me through the last three days, besides the snark, is that Netflix ad starring Meghan Fox's tits. I've refreshed pages multiple times to get it to show up.

    1. Sophist FCD

      Did you know that it cost $100,000 per second of screen time to render those in a computer? And also there were some robots I guess? Or something?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      No HOF for any of them. Not this year, and not any year. Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Sammy Sosa can buy tickets to get in. And Raffy Palmeiro, too, the perjuring perjuror.

  14. PublicLuxury

    I think the Wonkbot needs to live dangerously. Loose the helmets. Real Bots wear a baseball cap. Bots that are 'connected' wear a Fedora.

  15. LakeAfflicted

    Snow, you say? BRING IT. Where I live we eat that shit for breakfast.

    No, we don't. But we could theoretically use it to make some maple syrup candy, if stores still sold maple syrup instead of that corn syrup + "maple flavoring" garbage.

  16. keepem_sikanpor

    Jeez, Ken. A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall? That song always makes me cry. Especially during times like these. At least the kitties are cute and wonkbot is… something. And I do have alcohol.

  17. notreelyhelping

    I have that voice saying things in my head. Whatever will I do now? Please stop, voice in my head.

  18. weejee

    In case the putsch-back by the rich-wing blogosphere is getting some, maybe one, of the Wonketteriate to have a glimmer of a thought that the 24/7 vitriol from the right is mostly just enthusiastic political rhetoric, then you should invest 6+ minutes with Rachel Maddow.

  19. Radiotherapy

    I've always been more than a little robophobic, but three things over the years have softened that fear:
    1. MST3K. Tom Servo, Crow, and the rest of the Robot Roll Call.
    2. In that iRobot movie with Will Smith, I realized there is no way to portably power these
    bitches up to any dangerous level. Fuck, my iphone battery won't last more than five
    hours. Hence, presently, they are glorified Hollywood props.
    3. Most importantly, Tom Servo's spawn, Wonkbot TSA-1138 — he/she/it is the shit.

  20. sati_demise

    "Calmed down"? you hear what Rush said?
    And the Palin hysterical with self pity.

    am drowning in chaos in Arizona.

    Anyone want to help the White Angels cover Fred Phelps so they do not fuck up a funeral for a child?

    share in Tucson please

  21. AddHomonym

    Belt and suspenders. Helmets on helmets. Prosthetic foreheads on our real heads. Where does it end?

      1. Silversmith

        This on top of the earlier "Don't go Full TimeCube" remark … you're killing them!! Well, me at least.

  22. transfatz

    Bad terror alert. Worstest terror alertissimo.
    Could we ramp up the mind control a bit. I'm tired of driving this thing.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Department of Human Security? Look mister, Jesus didn't write anywhere in the Constitution that we were supposed to treat all those other people as if they were Americans.

  24. keepem_sikanpor

    !1. Why don't responses to comments automatically drop down (so annoying to click on the responses. I hope you someone can help with that).
    2.!. Where are Extemporanous and Nigerian Businessman?
    3. Carry on.

    1. Crank_Tango

      after a post gets so many comments, you have to expand each one. no fixing it that I am aware of, but I am not aware of much these days.

  25. OneTrueLiberal

    Franklin and I are deeply concerned about these robots.

    They think differently that we do, and thus are dangerous.



  26. chascates

    Remember the good old days of the Bush presidency? White House press secretary Ari Fleischer on 09/26/01 "… denounced Mr. Maher [Bill Maher, host of the late-night talk show "Politically Incorrect." who said that the hijackers were not cowards but that it was cowardly for the United States to launch cruise missiles on targets thousands of miles away], saying of news organizations, and all Americans, that in times like these "people have to watch what they say and watch what they do."

    Ah, good times.

    From the NY Times on the 10th:
    “At a time like this,” Mr. Fleischer said, “what the nation wants more than anything else is for people to rise above the nonsense and the politics and to be gracious. There’s nothing like letting people see your heart, your emotion. Facebook and Twitter don’t convey emotion.”

    He was one gracious son-of-a-bitch.

  27. MiniMencken

    Not trying to be a Phillip K. Dick or anything, but can you have sex with the Wonkbot, the way they do with the andies over on Mars?

  28. gurukalehuru

    A BMW SUV bursting into flames is sort of like a 47 story steel building collapsing straight down at free fall speed after a dinky little fire burning for a few hours in the upper left corner of it.
    (more on the Ashley Turton case over at http://www.gurukalehuru.com, at least for a couple more hours)

  29. wegot2dobetter

    Likely the threat level and anxieties will remain high until the premiere of American Idol, America's collective shiny object.

  30. SorosBot

    The Snowpacalypse II has been a bust. After all the hype, here we've got officially just 5 inches, although it looks more like two or three to me. New York didn't even close the schools. Washington got two inches, which knowing them means the entire city will be shut down until Monday.

    And emergency declarers Bloomberg and Christie get to look stupid again, going from ignoring an actually bad storm to hysterical overreaction to a mild one.

  31. stew1

    Re. Palin's address this morning: not even going to try and be clever here–go fuck yourself you sick lowlife.

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