emotional weather report

Wonkbot Threat Level: Snowy, Fearful

I met a young child beside a dead pony. I met a white man who walked a black dogIt’s a good thing America “calmed down” after the weekend massacres! Now we can get back to worrying about snow, dead animals everywhere, exploding BMWs around the Pentagon/CIA, flooding in Australia, and more massacres. The Terror Threat Alert Level is “super dooper high” and our guest presenter “The Snooki” was going to illustrate this with syphilis but instead we drew survey marks on her head and sent her to get a GED. Who wins? America wins! Also the Wonkbot has finally thrown out your teevee with all its vulgar garbage inside.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ttommyunger

    The Terror Wonkbot is way cool, but I haz teh sadz. I miss Uber Dumb Cunt Tom Ridge telling me what color to shit my diaper today. He was so big and handsome, and he shore had a purty mouth.

    • Mahousu

      He also had a reassuring presence. I mean, I always figured things couldn't be that bad if they put this big, dumb guy in charge of domestic security.

      I think that's the same reason they used St. Bernards for rescue work – if you got caught in an avalanche, you'd think, "They're sending some big, clumsy dog that could drown in its own drool after me. How bad can things be?"

      Maybe we'd feel better if Wonkbot tied a barrel of brandy around its neck.

      • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

        Ridge had such noble presence in his size 54 extra long portly wool polyester blend suit jacket from the Harrisburg, PA Big n' Tall store.

      • ttommyunger

        Great analogy! Tom Ridge, rescue dog. “What is it, Tom?” “Woof, woof!” “Little Billy fell in the well?” “Woof!”

        • horsedreamer_1

          We're not here to talk about the past, condemn what occurred; we must move on.

          Cistern the page, ttommyunger.

          • ttommyunger

            But you see, when one reaches his seventh decade, he has so much more past than future; it is a natural thing for me. If you are lucky, you'll see.

  • nounverb911

    New York City Declares Weather Emergency

    I guess Bloomberg and Christie will have to stay home for this one.

    • PublicLuxury

      Christie will blame the Kardashians and teachers for bringing the wrath of Snow.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Paris Hilton. In which case, Christie will not be able to be found fallcious by Politifact, since he wouldn't have specified what manner of "snow" — & doubtless, Paris will either be in Vail or doing rails, this time of year.

    • WriteyWriterton

      i hope they enjoy the gheyness together.

    • BarryOPotter

      Good lord, New York has gotten so soft since last year, when they were talking all kinds of shit about DC's inability to cope with a little crystalline water falling from the sky, collecting on the ground and producing Snomaggedon 2010. Man-up, NYC!

  • CapnFatback

    I'm glad Dana Perino has found work.

    • PublicLuxury

      Do you think Dana had a stick up her ass, literally?

  • Tommmcatt

    As dildos go, this one is pretty well spoken.

    Unlike Thomas Friedman….

    • GuanoFaucet

      And William Kristol…

    • Dana Marschz

      George W. Bush

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Do women want Artificial Intelligence in their dildos? Will conversationalist codpieces rule the dance halls in the year 2020, I can get working on that. Just tell me.

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        I guess I can see a conversational dildo, but you'd only catch, like, every third word or so…

  • Crank_Tango

    Today, we are all wearing two kinds of Helmut. Gross.

    • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

      I'm staying in and polishing mine.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Today, we are all helmets or anteaters. well, except for the wimmen here.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    So is it just me that can't read the crawl while listening to the Wonkbot. I'd like to, but just can't do it no matter how hard I try.

    You know, because the words have meaning and language is important and the government is changing them and somebody might have to do something about it.

    • sati_demise

      I can't either. I have to run the video twice, once with sound on and then once without.

      Looking for the grammar police is hard work.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Page view conspiracy via youtube.

    • Katydid

      I can't do it either. I have to watch it twice. I figured either I was just dumb, or you can't really focus on two things at once, if you care about both things. My kid appears to do it, and I remember thinking I could do it as a teen. In fact, if I'm really concentrating on something, I have to turn off music now.

      Since it's probably middle age that's doing it to me, I'm going to blame the government instead.

      • bflrtsplk

        I've watched it four times and I still haven't got it, but then I am dumb.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      I struggle with it as well. I think the crawl moves a little too quickly. Or else because I don't have TV and thus never see cable news anymore, I'm just not used to it.

    • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com HurricaneAli

      I have a hard time understanding the Stephen Hawking monologue but I am hard of hearing; my ADD allows me to flit mentally between the text and the sound. Overall, though, the whole thing is totally win in my book, so there you are.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        What a coincidence! My ADD actually helps me to… Oh look, a bird!

        • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com HurricaneAli

          Getting distracted by shiny objects does not have to be a negative!

    • WriteyWriterton

      Two times for me, at a minimum. I'm an Old, so I forget what I'm watching while I'm, uh, what?

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      Not just you. Can't decide if I'm old or just slow.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, I get distracted and fall down just trying to follow the bouncing ball and sing along on them old music videos from when I was a kid.

  • BO_Bill

    When I think threat level, I know the answer is a rehabilitation camp in Yemen.

  • SmutBoffin

    Cheer up Wonkbot TSA-1138! It, uh, gets better.

    I hear they let robots serve openly in the armed forces, now.

    • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

      They're already there. We're here, we're gear, get used to it!

    • transfatz

      Don't query, don't broadcast?

  • sati_demise

    okokokokok. I like the wonkbot now that he haz teh pets. A cannot get excited about a roomba.

    Obama is comin' to Arizona. Maybe ASU can give him a belated degree.
    But, massive securiteh……massive. This is Palin country if you want to know.

    • DoktorZoom

      I'm half-wondering if the Tea Party is going to show up with guns, to show that they won't stand for his tyranny, and to emphasize that waving guns around doesn't mean that they're promoting violence. Because they totally abhor violence. Except when it's time to refresh the Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants.

      Which it totally isn't.

      This time.

    • SorosBot

      Wouldn't a degree from Arizona State, even an honorary one, result in an automatic retraction of a Harvard Law School admission?

    • SayItWithWookies

      President Obama's trip should shut up that chickenshit Alan West, who lately complained that it's a failure of leadership to go to Afghanistan secretly. Unlike that previous fellow, who used to announce his trips weeks in advance and who would speak in stadiums without any security.

      Also, roombas and pets are wonderful together.

      • glamourdammerung

        Maybe they should get West to stand in for Obama and remove the security. After all, I am sure the teabaggers could tell them apart.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Although we're to wear bicycle helmets over our hardhats, at least our beloved Homerland Insecurity isn't directing Wonkbot to call for our putting cups in our bikes. Would seem the Napolitanochiks think the terrorists will be fair sports and only be giving us high cheese and chin music instead of taking the low road with shots at our TrukNutz.

  • SmutBoffin

    Just yesterday I remarked how cool it was that Ken owns what is apparently the last TV ever made in America ever, and now it's gone?

    What gives?

    • bumfug

      It was made in America. It broke.

      • HempDogbane

        He traded it for iMovie.

        • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

          I've got a Curtis Mathes out in the garage if someone can figure out how to ship the damn thing.

          • WriteyWriterton

            Got a giant cathode-ray death machine in the basement that I'm afraid will fall off a dresser and kill someone. Note that I'm NOT dealing in violent anti-wingnut rhetoric here.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Chinese delivery boys on bicycles in the snow. I don't know about y'alls but It sure puts me in my comfort zone

    • WriteyWriterton

      Right in my wheelhouse, too. Hey, look! "Wheelhouse"! I haz a funny!

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      This is a win-win all around. They're doing a job an American wouldn't do, and couldn't if he wanted to. So it's cool, they got it covered.

      And really, bikes? They make you sweaty, and don't even have windows.

  • EdFlintstone

    Does this mean I can pick some food from my Glenn Beck approved crisis garden and open the Beck freeze dried foods soon?

    • WriteyWriterton

      Love those Glenn Beck freeze-dried hobo beans.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      It's not a garden. It's a survival patch. Only women like so-called First Lady grow gardens.

      And exercise. Exercise is for women, too.

  • slithytoves

    Kittenz! = sublime relief from life/reality crap. Silly Terrorbot.

  • HedonismBot

    Wonkbot has a cool hard hat. Now you need more Wonkbots – a gay cowboy Wonkbot, gay Indian chief Wonkbot, gay cop Wonkbot, gay black leather fetish Wonkbot and gay sailor (is that redundant?) Wonkbot – and the Village Peoplebot reunion will be complete.

  • edgydrifter

    Portland's icepocalypse has been postponed by two hours this evening. Expect up to one inch of "winter mix" overnight. We'll probably be fending off scavengers and chuds by morning. Good luck and godspeed, Wonkette, from us doomed souls in the PNW.

    • bitchincamaro2

      For a second there, I thought you were braving some seriously nasty weather in the first Portland. Maine, tha is. Haha. I survived four loooooong winters there. Nothing like your Portland.

      • edgydrifter

        One inch in Portland, OR = One yard in Portland, ME. It's the total civic freakout threshold.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Isn't everybody too stoned or tweaked to notice?

    • emmelemm

      Yeah, I told my boss if I see one flake fall from the sky, I'm in my car and on the way home. (Here in Seattle.) Well, dammit, I haven't seen one flake fall from the sky yet! Where is my Snowpocalyse??

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      In Portland here too, just gave a 20 to a young couple from California shivering outside the downtown Jack in the Box.

    • WriteyWriterton

      The temperate zone is intemperate. Or is it just me?

    • transfatz

      Terror alert at neutrino. We're looking at 18 inches of snow coming in followed by 4 inches of rain.-Doomed Soul in the inland PNW

      • Silversmith

        No picnic here either in SoCA, pal. Hit a low of 65. I had to put on a sweater.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Do Wonkbots dream? Do they have memories? Can they have a sad?

    There are times when it’s better to be a bot than a human. Now is one of those times.

    • emmelemm

      If they cry, do they short-circuit?

      • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

        And how do they respond to the nude girl on a bearskin rug in the Voigt-Kampff test?

        • emmelemm

          Does it kill the turtle?

      • BarryOPotter

        Only the orange Wonkbots cry, while the others look on disapprovingly in quiet disgust…

    • undeterredbyreality

      Do they dream of electric sheeple?

      • WriteyWriterton

        Beat me to it, you f*6k.

    • vulpes82

      Only of electric sheep.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    BTW, what about that exploding BMW?

    • glamourdammerung

      While the facts released make it sound really, really odd, I think folks are waiting for more information instead of jumping to conclusions.

      • edgydrifter

        That doesn't sound like us.

        • glamourdammerung

          I admit that it really does get tiring being the "bigger person" all the time.

          Hopefully, Shirley Sherrod takes a cue and decides to end that streak by holding Little Andy and friend accountable.

      • Radiotherapy

        Right, make sure you stay germane to the subject.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Hey, it's a reference to the article. And I'm only 1/4 germane, 3/4 norwegiane.

          • Radiotherapy

            You are, my friend, neither ass, nor dick.

  • HempDogbane

    Wonkette, I do not like how you are controlling the language.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    I have to say that the only thing getting me through the last three days, besides the snark, is that Netflix ad starring Meghan Fox's tits. I've refreshed pages multiple times to get it to show up.

    • Sophist FCD

      Did you know that it cost $100,000 per second of screen time to render those in a computer? And also there were some robots I guess? Or something?

  • Plowmon

    Let's get back to getting all worked up about steroids in ML baseball.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Thank you, Ive been saying that for over a year. I even made a sign!!11

      • Plowmon

        I can't believe how few recognize the importance of this.

    • WriteyWriterton

      No HOF for any of them. Not this year, and not any year. Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Sammy Sosa can buy tickets to get in. And Raffy Palmeiro, too, the perjuring perjuror.

  • PublicLuxury

    I think the Wonkbot needs to live dangerously. Loose the helmets. Real Bots wear a baseball cap. Bots that are 'connected' wear a Fedora.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Is this bot programmed with Asimov's rules of robotics?

    • sati_demise

      Hipster wonkbots-cool

  • PublicLuxury

    Do Wonkbots date porn stars?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      The stories that little guy could tell….

      • horsedreamer_1

        Ken had to drive to Vegas in the dead of nite Monday to pick-up the Wonkbot from the AEE.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Mine does. Oh, wait…

  • bflrtsplk

    Next Xmas, i wanta GI Joe Wonkbot to go with my cabbage patch Wonkbot.

  • LakeAfflicted

    Snow, you say? BRING IT. Where I live we eat that shit for breakfast.

    No, we don't. But we could theoretically use it to make some maple syrup candy, if stores still sold maple syrup instead of that corn syrup + "maple flavoring" garbage.

    • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

      Stir in some condensed milk and vanilla, sugar to taste= snow ice cream!

  • keepem_sikanpor

    Jeez, Ken. A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall? That song always makes me cry. Especially during times like these. At least the kitties are cute and wonkbot is… something. And I do have alcohol.

  • fuflans

    isn't anybody on the michael jackson beat?

  • notreelyhelping

    I have that voice saying things in my head. Whatever will I do now? Please stop, voice in my head.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    In case the putsch-back by the rich-wing blogosphere is getting some, maybe one, of the Wonketteriate to have a glimmer of a thought that the 24/7 vitriol from the right is mostly just enthusiastic political rhetoric, then you should invest 6+ minutes with Rachel Maddow.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Excellent. Thanks for the link. Now for a Prozac-bourbon cocktail.

  • Radiotherapy

    I've always been more than a little robophobic, but three things over the years have softened that fear:
    1. MST3K. Tom Servo, Crow, and the rest of the Robot Roll Call.
    2. In that iRobot movie with Will Smith, I realized there is no way to portably power these
    bitches up to any dangerous level. Fuck, my iphone battery won't last more than five
    hours. Hence, presently, they are glorified Hollywood props.
    3. Most importantly, Tom Servo's spawn, Wonkbot TSA-1138 — he/she/it is the shit.

    • VinnyThePooh

      Cambot and Gypsy.
      I miss my pre-intensedebate Wonkette name of Servo.

    • Crank_Tango

      Bender B. Rodriguez or GTFO.

  • sati_demise

    "Calmed down"? you hear what Rush said?
    And the Palin hysterical with self pity.

    am drowning in chaos in Arizona.

    Anyone want to help the White Angels cover Fred Phelps so they do not fuck up a funeral for a child?
    http://www.tucsonmemorial.org/

    share in Tucson please

    • Jukesgrrl

      Oh, honey, I'm so with you. I don't know if I can handle tomorrow.

  • WriteyWriterton

    Terror Alert Level is Red. Dumbf*^k Red, to be precise about it.

  • AddHomonym

    Belt and suspenders. Helmets on helmets. Prosthetic foreheads on our real heads. Where does it end?

    • HempDogbane

      3/4 ton 4×4 w/Truknutz

    • DoktorZoom

      I saw the worst bands of my generation
      applied in Magic Marker to drywall.

      • Silversmith

        This on top of the earlier "Don't go Full TimeCube" remark … you're killing them!! Well, me at least.

  • transfatz

    Bad terror alert. Worstest terror alertissimo.
    Could we ramp up the mind control a bit. I'm tired of driving this thing.

  • undeterredbyreality

    Posts are disappearing again. They are controlling our grammers. We must stop them!

  • iburl

    Why is Snowy the Cat Fearful? Is it because the funkbot doesn't toast to block rockin' beatz?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Department of Human Security? Look mister, Jesus didn't write anywhere in the Constitution that we were supposed to treat all those other people as if they were Americans.

  • keepem_sikanpor

    !1. Why don't responses to comments automatically drop down (so annoying to click on the responses. I hope you someone can help with that).
    2.!. Where are Extemporanous and Nigerian Businessman?
    3. Carry on.

    • Crank_Tango

      after a post gets so many comments, you have to expand each one. no fixing it that I am aware of, but I am not aware of much these days.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Needz moar Sarah Palin “People-We-Should-Just-Plain-Up-and-Shoot-in-the-Head" maps.

  • OneTrueLiberal

    Franklin and I are deeply concerned about these robots.

    They think differently that we do, and thus are dangerous.

    Cordially,

    Eleanor

  • chascates

    Remember the good old days of the Bush presidency? White House press secretary Ari Fleischer on 09/26/01 "… denounced Mr. Maher [Bill Maher, host of the late-night talk show "Politically Incorrect." who said that the hijackers were not cowards but that it was cowardly for the United States to launch cruise missiles on targets thousands of miles away], saying of news organizations, and all Americans, that in times like these "people have to watch what they say and watch what they do."

    Ah, good times.

    From the NY Times on the 10th:
    “At a time like this,” Mr. Fleischer said, “what the nation wants more than anything else is for people to rise above the nonsense and the politics and to be gracious. There’s nothing like letting people see your heart, your emotion. Facebook and Twitter don’t convey emotion.”

    He was one gracious son-of-a-bitch.

  • dogscantlookup

    Nation of Kuru

  • MiniMencken

    Not trying to be a Phillip K. Dick or anything, but can you have sex with the Wonkbot, the way they do with the andies over on Mars?

    • proudgrampa

      Do Wonkbots Dream of Electric Sheep?

  • Jukesgrrl

    I met a dead bird beside a dead ocean.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    A BMW SUV bursting into flames is sort of like a 47 story steel building collapsing straight down at free fall speed after a dinky little fire burning for a few hours in the upper left corner of it.
    (more on the Ashley Turton case over at http://www.gurukalehuru.com, at least for a couple more hours)

  • http://www.fifthinternational.org/content/education-programme 4TheTurnstiles

    FWIW, I haven't had any helmet properly speaking since 1997.

  • wegot2dobetter

    Likely the threat level and anxieties will remain high until the premiere of American Idol, America's collective shiny object.

  • SorosBot

    The Snowpacalypse II has been a bust. After all the hype, here we've got officially just 5 inches, although it looks more like two or three to me. New York didn't even close the schools. Washington got two inches, which knowing them means the entire city will be shut down until Monday.

    And emergency declarers Bloomberg and Christie get to look stupid again, going from ignoring an actually bad storm to hysterical overreaction to a mild one.

  • stew1

    Re. Palin's address this morning: not even going to try and be clever here–go fuck yourself you sick lowlife.