NSA Building Million-Square-Foot Facility To Look At Your Por

  party puffins

Really should have thought of a better name than 'Death Star,' right? That's just bad PR.The National Security Administration is building a $1.2 billion data center in Utah that will span a million square feet, and will be the largest Department of Defense war-building building in the country. By comparison, the Pentagon is 6.5 million square feet. Do these people realize you don’t really need much physical space to go on the Internet, because it is a magical land that defies time and space? Apparently not. Apparently, in order to uphold “cyber security” against the combined forced of five guys with a Playstation 2 and some spotty dial-up AOL in a cave somewhere, they need an Internet powerhouse the size of ten thousand caves. (And then they will catalog what kind of porn each and every person in the world likes, of course.)

“In an era when our nation and its allies are increasingly dependent on the integrity of information and systems supported, transmitted, or stored in cyberspace, it is essential that that space is as resilient and secure as possible,” said NSA Deputy Director John C. Inglis.

“Also, we want everyone to know that Paul Freeman of Marion, Iowa likes to watch videos of people fucking fresh snow on the ground. And he bought like six different brands of sardines online the other day. Isn’t that weird?”

Meanwhile, Obama is trying to create some sort of online ID system which, though it will probably intrude less than that asshole Facebook, is sponsored by the government, who is throwing government money at tech firms for no apparent reason.

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So do all your embarrassing Internetting now, America, before the giant Internet building decides it needs to read your e-mails and put you in troll jail. [Net Security/SF Chronicle]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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89 comments

  1. tiger_tree

    "throwing government money at tech firms for no apparent reason."

    In other words, just another Tuesday.

    1. kenlayisalive

      The regressive states want all the infrastructure so when the civil war 2.0 comes they'll have more to rely on than just, like, cotton and spitoon factories.

          1. Crank_Tango

            also, "mormon tea" is actually ephedra, so what is that, like herbal crystal meth? I don't know if they actually drink it, but I like the name…

    2. sati_demise

      Utah has the Mormon genealogical records in giant caves underground that will have a tunnel to this facility.
      That way they can baptize all the internet after death.

      1. Barbara_i

        Jesus, tap dancing Christ! i just yodeled Diet Pepsi out my nose, thanks!
        Let's not forget "An Officer and a Genitalman" Way to blow, Paula!

          1. Barbara_i

            Let's not leave out our caped crusaders, Batman in Robin. Yeah, I think it's normal to keep a teen boy in a cave.

            Are French women really bored and horny? I always thought that they were just cheese eating surrender monkeys.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, if you're watching straightforward hetero porn, you're not doing anything wrong and therefore have nothing to worry about.

  3. CBH77

    We must not allow a PS2 and/or cave gap! So we will build our own caves…free-standing caves, very much like "buildings," but without windows, so as to be more cavelike.

  4. edgydrifter

    As someone who decided a long time ago never to seek any kind of public office, I'm not terribly worried about the freaky shit the NSA is about to find on my computer. Just more skeletons to pack into the old closet.

  5. TanzbodenKoenig

    This is going to be a 1 million square ft perfect storm of furtive cubicle masturbation and porn streaming for "surveillance purposes"

    1. prommie

      There will be relatively few people, and they will only get involved when the pattern-detecting algorithm detects a some pattern of activity, like, getting money wired from Yemen, buying fertilizer and diesel, only using pre-paid cels, hanging around big bridges, dams, stadiums, momuments, that kind of stuff.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I did the math on this one.
      A million square feet and it will employ between 100 and 200 people.
      That 5,000 to 10,000 feet per desk. That's a big fucking desk and Playstaion setup.

  6. GunTotingProgressive

    But… My FireFuxx has a "Private Browsing" setting! How can anyone know what fetish sites I prefer?

  7. BarackMyWorld

    My mental image of this place is a building full of reel-to-reel magnetic tape machines and random, multi-colored blinking lights shaped like rectangles.

  8. prommie

    Oh, please, privacy? Yeah, and there is an Easter Bunny, too. There is no legal impediment to the Government monitoring everything that goes over the internet, every bank transaction, every credit card transaction, every time your EZ-Pass goes through a toll, and, as anyone who has been divorced recently knows, your cel phone constantly pings the nearest cel tower, which gives the cel phone provider a record, accurate to within some part of a mile, of everywhere you go, if you are carrying your cel phone. And obviously, everything you look at on the internets. Every item you buy at the grocery store or anywhere else, unless you pay cash and don't use that discount card.

    Any time you buy an airline ticket, there is a system that starts backtracking everything you have been up to lately, to see if you bought chemicals, accessed a website with info on explosives, called someone in Afghanistan, etc. Thats why the screening is ridiculous, this stuff has it covered.

  9. SorosBot

    At first, with help from the image, I read that as "NASA Building Million…", and thought cool, that would be a better use of our country's resources that wasting it on the military, but no.

    1. gef05

      I did the same thing. Admittedly, I think NASA is a waste of money and so "cool" was not the word that went through my mind, but it *would* be an improvement over military spending.

      1. SorosBot

        It depends on what they do; at this point, the manned missions are actually not very useful for science, just splashy; but we've learned a lot from the various unmanned missions, and those are both cheaper and don't risk killing anyone if something goes wrong.

        1. gef05

          I take your point.

          And to be honest, it's not even dissatisfaction that the money is spent there, more where it's not being spent – which (arguably) isn't NASA's fault.

  10. el_donaldo

    To be really concerned about this would be to assume that the NSA is in any way competent enough to pull anything like this off. Which is crazy. Which means that people are going to be really concerned about this.

  11. Eve8Apples

    1.2 billion dollars for 1 million square feet in Utah. Mormon Jesus on a Biscuit — THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH!!

  12. EatsBabyDingos

    ********THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT. THIS IS SECRET. DO NOT LOOK AT THIS STORY OR YOU WILL BE INTERROGATED BY A MAN WITH A TUNA.**********

  13. freakishlywrong

    Bitch please. They've been reading everything we email, post and look at or buy for years. Now, if one of you future wealthy, Gubbmint tech workers could please tell me how I can adjust my screen. *whispers*, because those eyes are following me, just the eyes.

  14. GodShammgod

    "NSA Building Million Square-Foot Facility To Look At Your Porn"

    I would have guessed such an endeavor would have been undertaken by SEC regulators.

  15. EatsBabyDingos

    And anyway, its just the guvvmint looking for the secret to the great Mormon choir in Salt Lake City. I know that answer. It is "The Other Diet Coke," Granny Smiths, and Glenn "Trig" Beck. That's why it is called the Moron Tab and Apple Choir.

    And to my friends in the "grottoes": "The red hawk flies at dawn. Omega, four, alpha, quattrain. That is all."

  16. Oblios_Cap

    it is essential that that space is as resilient and secure as possible

    Truer words were never spoken. Or actually understood.

      1. SorosBot

        Well if M-theory is correct he already has many of them, since everything that exists is ultimately made of branes.

  17. LionelHutzEsq

    Jack, I think you missed the point:

    In an era when our nation and its allies are increasingly dependent on the integrity of information and systems supported, transmitted, or stored in cyberspace, it is essential that that space is as resilient and secure as possible,” said NSA Deputy Director John C. Inglis.

    Clearly, they are trying to maintain the integrity of our porn delivery systems. Can you imagine what would happen to all those soldiers over in the mid-east if they were not able to watch "Two Girls and a Cup" or "Osama bin Blowme" every night? Our fighting machine would come to a crawl!

    This might be the best expenditure on the military in the last fifty-years!

  18. EatsBabyDingos

    They should build it in Blanding. Motto: "Meth Capital of Lower East Southern Utah and Gateway to Anywhere Else."

  19. chascates

    Maybe if the United States stopped playing the world's cop we wouldn't need to intercept everyone's email, phone calls, letters, etc.

    Just a thought.

  20. Chet Kincaid

    Maybe they're building it to SERVE porn! This is the biggest, most outrageous military-industrial complex funding scheme since crack-to-the-blacks and Iran-Contra back in the 80s!

    I would like doe-eyed latinas with impressive glutes, please.

    1. kenlayisalive

      I agree. It is a plot to keep American's masturbating furiously.

      Seriously, who is going to read a leaked State Department cable when they could be fapping to an orgy of cock-chugging MILFS?

    2. Tommmcatt

      Fillipino Underwear Models Please! With lots of suntan oil and little tropical flower crowns and wristbands!

  21. hagajim

    Is this building going to be outfitted with the Mormon magic underwear? Is that why it costs so much?

  22. HempDogbane

    Why did you have to mention the sardines? I think I'll go just away from IntenseDebate for awhile. Leave me alone !

  23. DahBoner

    Wait a minute!

    Porn is tecnically illegal in Utah because it doesn't meet "community standards".

    Who is going to censor the naughty bits on the porn so it can be viewed "safely" in Utah, according to local standards of decency?

  24. GhostBuggy

    I would like to ask a practical question at this point: How will this affect the Wonkbot's operating system? Or is it actually just the guts of Commodore 64 shoved into its orifice, in that way you know it likes? Basic bytes free, indeed.

  25. policonoclast

    i've got a hunch that the CIA's penchant for hiring mormons for our operations abroad will be at work here, too. this building is probably about cyber-offense, not just defense…

  26. GOPCrusher

    When I'm arrested for my extensive collection of porn featuring left handed, albino, transvestite midgets, at least I'll be able to hold my head high knowing that at least I wasn't into poop.

  27. WhatTheHeck

    Now lemme tell you about that built-in camera on your monitor…
    Think they’re not watching you as you ckicky click?
    The camera beams an invisible number unto your forehead and and sends the info back to the U.N.

    Wot? Me paranoid?

  28. zhubajie

    Yeah, every so often someone attacks the Japanese Ministry of Defense computers and connects all the buttons to Nanjing Massacre sites and porn sites.

Comments are closed.