but that's not what dr. phil said

Doctor Says Giffords Has ‘100 Percent’ Chance of Survival (Suck It, NPR)

“Well, I would say — you know, as a physician I am going to get in a lot of trouble for this — but her prognosis for survival is 100 percent, as far as it being short term,” Dr. Peter Rhee told Britain’s Channel 4 News. “I mean, hopefully she’ll live to be 95 years old. What her recovery is going to do, I really don’t know. I am very optimistic that she’s not going to be in a vegetative type of state, I think she’s going to make a fair amount of recovery. And what kind of deficits that she’ll have in the future, I really can’t say at this point, but I am still very optimistic.”

SPILL IT, DOCTOR. Yes, suck it, NPR, and suck it, would-be assassin, for thinking this lady could go down from a bullet GOING THROUGH HER BRAIN. She’s rubber and you’re glue, guy, and thus the death penalty is hurtling towards your way. ARIZONA JUSTICE! PEW PEW PEW! [TPM]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Why is this guy giving this scoop to some news channel from Knifecrime Island and not to our upstanding American news media?

    1. johnnymeatworth

      Because the Verizon iPhone was announced today, so America doesn't have to care about this anymore.

      1. x111e7thst

        A Megan Fox Transformers ad seems to be alternating with the FIT dude. I find myself unable to think even about IPhones.

  2. LionelHutzEsq

    And am I the only one who is upset to hear that she will not be in a vegetative state? I mean, the only way this could get any better is to have a replay of the Terri Schiavo case.

  3. ttommyunger

    Fuck this Doctor, and fuck Dr. "TV Monitor" Frist. I want to hear what Rich Sanchez's kid has to say about it.

  4. edgydrifter

    Even in a vegetative state, she would be a better representative than anyone Jan Brewer might appoint to replace her.

  5. CapeClod

    All of us have a 100% chance of survival for the short term. Unless your profession is "Grenade Juggler."

  6. Spanky2a

    Hey, I gots a idea – how about we exploit this tragedy for political purposes

    and to make ourselves feel not so impotent after our November election losses to the Repugs.

    Oh, sorry, I see that's already being done here.

    1. SorosBot

      Hey, I have an idea; why don't you try and learn proper English grammer

      and that you don't put a paragraph break in the middle of a sentence.

      Oh wait, you're a moron and will never learn.

          1. SorosBot

            Macher? You Brietbart idiots do understand that we don't get your little in-jokes, don't you?

            Oh wait, that's right; you're morons. And you have given yourself away by forgetting to change accounts I guess:

            "He appears to have 'em stirred up. :o) They never let me in anymore either. I'm currently trying to recover my wife's unused account so I can "stir the pot" using a different persona hopefully."

          2. Lefty_Lucy

            Once upon a time, a wingnut left his beloved Breitbart to become a missionary troll. He travelled to the land of Wonkette to bring the natives the good news of Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.

            As he suspected, the savages at Wonkette demonstrated their primitive natures through their awareness of experiences beyond their own, their inability to sustain cognitive dissonance and their effete desire not to bomb the living shit out of all people unlike themselves, foreign and domestic.

            However, when he attempted to enlighten them to the teabagger tenets of Hate Thy Neighbor and the righteousness of the "unseen hand" in mass social dislocation, the natives stopped their snarking and began shouting "Poopyhead!"

            "Poopyhead! Poopyhead!" they jibbered at him. What could it mean, this childish epithet? The troll redoubled his output of condescension and bat-shittery, yet all they would reply is "Poopyhead!"

            Finally, a kind-hearted Wonketteer pulled him aside. "You are a stranger here, and don't understand our culture. You see, the Wonketteeri are cannibals. We devour our own on a daily basis, weeding out the silly, the snarkless, the unfunny and even the merely dull."

            "White Jesus!" shrieked the troll. "Save me!"

            "Relax." said the kindly Wonk. "We only eat brains. 'Poopyhead' is just shorthand for 'Don't eat the trolls. Their shit for brains gives you explosive diarrhea.'"

      1. UrkelBama

        ID's not working well. This response to SorosBot, above. "Brietbart idiots" should be Breitbart, Idiot.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      how about we exploit this tragedy for political purposes….Oh, sorry, I see that's already being done here.

      Don't you feel weird at all, or even a little hypocritical, typing that after you just spent the whole weekend trying to prove this nut was a leftist?

      Seriously? Even a little?

          1. BarackMyWorld

            I'll ask again….Don't you feel even the slightest bit hypocritical accusing others of exploiting "this tragedy for political purposes" (your exact words) after you just spent the whole weekend trying to prove this nut was a leftist?

      1. JaredLeftWingPothead

        Possibly for BarackMyWorld it might take an entire weekend to make a couple of posts, but I suspect for most of the superior intellects here on Wonkette, they'd only have to invest a few minutes at most.

          1. Trinket

            Also, he is ignorant! All Wonketteers know that if your butt is sore from buttsecks, ur doin it rong.

        1. BarackMyWorld

          So rather than addressing the actual point, you're going to argue with the accuracy of the term "spent the whole weekend."

          Fine, concede you were not LITERALLY posting messages for the entire 48 hour period known as the "weekend".

          I'll rephrase:
          Don't you feel even the slightest bit hypocritical accusing others of exploiting "this tragedy for political purposes" (your exact words) after you just made multiple posts over the course of the last 3 days arguing that the shooter was a leftist?

          (Notice I also removed the word "nut" because I don't want you thinking I'm literally saying the shooter was an indehiscent, hard-shelled, one-loculated, one-seeded, edible object.)

          1. LoveIsMyReligion

            "what's your obsession with his former use of pot? "

            No obsession, I'm just reporting the facts, regardless of whether they fit your communist agenda or not.

          2. SorosBot

            I'm asking why, though; the fact the dude smoked pot has nothing whatsoever to do with your lies to claim he was a liberal, poopyhead.

          3. LoveIsMyReligion

            "A classmate of Jared Lee Loughner, charged in the Arizona rampage that severely injured Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, killed six, and a dozen others outside a Tucson, Ariz., mall on Saturday, described the 22-year-old as a pot-smoking, political radical she met in high school who always was a bit of an outcast, the Phoenix New Times reports.

            “As I knew him, he was left wing,” Caitie Parker tweeted after hearing of the violent attack that targeted and hospitalized Arizona Democrat Giffords in critical condition with a severe head wound. “He was a pot head, quite liberal and oddly obsessed with the 2012 prophecy.”

          4. SorosBot

            Yeah, a classmate who hadn't seen him in four years, before he started to go off the deep end, which according to people who knew him later was 2008, after he quit pot. And you still haven't answered my question about why you keep emphasizing the pot-smoking part; that's just weird.

          5. SorosBot

            Double-posting poopyhead. You've done this thing of making multiple replies of the exact same shit before to; do you even realize how stupid that makes you look?

          6. CapnFatback

            Are you willing to observe BarackMyWorld's concept of weekend if it allows you to use your libunatic to help prepare your Kosher meals? Do you pick and choose which tents of your faith to follow? Why are you so interested in midnight? What happens at midnight? Do you shed your scales? Why do you keep ducking these serious questions?

          7. JaredLeftWingPothead

            "Do you pick and choose which tents of your faith to follow? "

            What is a tent of faith? Is that some sort of revivalist event?

          8. CapnFatback

            Do you beware the red tent? Do you have menstrual psychosis? Are you unable to eat your meals, no matter how kosher, due to this crippling fear? Is this indicative of a general fear of blood, or does the notion of procreation send you into despair? Shouldn't you be wary of operating your libunatic under threat of dizzy spells and nausea?

          9. CapnFatback

            Why did Wonkette make this post disappear and then reappear with my corrected version? Do they have some sort of machine that makes posts kosher, like the libunatic? Why do you keep changing your name? Are you worried about facing your menstrual fears? WHAT HAVE YOU TO HIDE?!?!?!

          10. StopObamunismNow

            "Why did Wonkette make this post disappear and then reappear with my corrected version?"

            Sarah Palin did it.

          11. CapnFatback

            Silly boy (man-child? sloth-thing?), we both know Sarah Palin doesn't do anything. But why are you trying to cast attention on her? Is there a score to settle? Did she borrow your libunatic and fail to clean it? Perhaps she got her horrific lady blood all over it? She has had a lot of action down there: perhaps her afterbirth is unable to be made kosher, no matter how much heat? Why are you eating her afterbirth anyway? Don't you feed on the blood of unicorns?

          12. CapnFatback

            Are you willing to observe BarackMyWorld's concept of weekend if it allows you to use your libunatic to help prepare your Kosher meals? Do you pick and choose which tenets of your faith to follow? Why are you so interested in midnight? What happens at midnight? Do you shed your scales? Why do you keep ducking these serious questions?

          1. CapnFatback

            Why is "liberal" an insult to you? Why do you obsess like a lunatic about its use? OHWAITAMINUTE! "Liberal" . . . "lunatic" . . . do you realize that if you take parts of both of these words, you can spell "libunatic"? Has that thought every occurred to you when you were operating your libunatic? Do you think your unnatural obsession with making meals kosher and irrational fear of menstrual blood, spurred by your rejection at the hands of one of the "inferior race" (your implied words), caused you to project the turmoil suffered by the never-ending preparation of kosher meals onto all words started with "lib"? Are we making progress here? I'm trying to help, BUT YOUR SILENCE IS DAMNING!

          2. CapnFatback

            Why are you talking like that? Are you an intense devotee of the space program? Are you the one that keeps writing mash notes to Buzz Aldrin? Why do you claim that the moon landing was staged–in your pants? Are you a fan of NASA because it could be an acronym for "Not Another Semitic Adoration"? Have you not written sonnets that ponder whether astronauts can get kosher meals in space? What is your hand doing down there, and why is there so much pus? IT WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE NOT TO SPECULATE!

          3. SorosBot

            And I think he owes an apology to the liberal bisexual inter-racially married David Bowie for appropriating his lyrics.

    3. Limeylizzie

      How about you take a look at the rapidly rising numbers for Obama and the Democratic Party and the swiftly falling ones for Sarah Palin ? Of course that would be after you have read a grammer primer.

  7. Guppy06

    So Jesse Kelly lost with both ballots and bullets? I think the Tea Party is fresh out of strategies.

  8. DoktorZoom

    Errr…I hate to be a DoktorDowner* here, but not all neurosurgeons agree that Giffords is out of the woods. NPR (yeah, I know) talks to several neurosurgeons in this story, and while it's looking very positive, she's still at the stage where complications are quite possible.

    *Dammit, Jim, I'm a PhD, not a Medical Doctor!

    Darwin knows I'm hopeful, and actually quite optimistic, but 24 years ago, when my first wife was hit by a van, I learned far more about brain injuries than I ever wanted to. Coincidentally, she was treated at Tucson's University Medical Center, at the same ICU where Giffords is, though I doubt that many of the same staff are still there. In any case, they're damn good docs.

    On the good side for Giffords: a GSW is very different from the kind of trauma caused by being hit by a car (injury is localized, not subject to the generalized damage that happens when a brain goes violently ricocheting around inside the skull–my ex was comatose for a month, and far more seriously hurt than Giffords). But any injury to the brain can leave a person anywhere from almost normal to virtually unable to care for themselves, and it takes a long time to find out the ultimate outcome. The other really good sign for Giffords is the degree to which she's responding to verbal commands to hold up two fingers or wiggle her toes–that's something we didn't see for literally weeks.

    One thing that I keep remembering the neurosurgeon saying, on the day of the accident: "At this stage, only bad things happen quickly."

    EDIT: Also, wear your goddamn seatbelts, bike/motorcycle helmets, and buckle up yer kids. (Yeah, I know we librul Nanny-State people are prolly already doing that, but I reflexively say it whenever brain injury comes up….)

    1. LoveIsMyReligion

      npr says the IL death penalty is dead? Didn't they mess up last week?

      Prolly means that the 65mph speed limit is dead and the death penalty will recover just fine.

  9. zhubajie

    Wait till the special election to replace her! The hearings for the new Federal judge should be craptastic, too!

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