genius moves by people who want attention

Coy Loughner Upsets Political World By Being Registered Independent

He even shaved his eyebrows off for us! Thanks for playing the part of America's new bogeyman, bro. Great Job!The media are going to dig up information about Arizona alleged murdertard Jared Loughner until his every thought and last inane syllogism have been broadcast to the American public. A star has been born! (You really shouldn’t give the youngs the satisfaction of instant fame for something like this. That’s all 22-year-olds want. Learn this insight and more from the Internet’s smartest rising young political blogger, Jack Stuef, who is on Twitter.) Idiots of both partisan shades of excrement are trying to prove Loughner is a member of the other’s political party, despite the now rampant evidence he just thinks in inane syllogisms about space shuttles. And unfortunately, he registered as an independent, which, for the hyper partisans out there, is his worst crime of all.

Suspected Tucson gunman Jared Lee Loughner registered as an independent voter in Arizona in the fall of 2006, according to the Pima County Registrar of Voters.

Loughner registered to vote on Sept. 29, 2006, identifying himself as an independent. Records show he voted in the 2006 and 2008 elections but is current listed as “inactive” on the state’s voter roles — meaning that he did not vote in November.

What an asshole! Throw the political media a bone, insane person who just allegedly murdered a bunch of people!

If we are to parse this, we would say that, because he didn’t vote in 2010, he must not have liked John McCain very much:

If you like John McCain, you will vote for him when he comes up for election.
Loughner did not vote when he came up for election in 2010.
Therefore, Loughner did not like John McCain.

If you did not like John McCain, you would have voted for the other major candidate in the 2008 election.
Loughner did not like John McCain.
Therefore, Loughner voted for that Kenyan communist warthog.

See! That was fun and stupid. We sort of remember the novelty of doing those in college.

(In reality: Loughner probably licked his own name onto the ballot. Or wrote in “Loughner Buxx-brand currency.”) [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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186 comments

    1. GregComlish

      He was probably driven to violence by the vitriolic inanities of the likes of David Broder. Killing a conservative Democrat would be the the perfect "bi-partisan" target to for a Centrist extremist. Now Loughner just needs to stand up and condemn both the left and the right for their heated responses to this national tragedy.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Even if Broder is a technologically-illiterate journalist — & I wouldn't be so sure of that, considering the number of Olds whose first source for news is Sarah Palin's facebook — he has to know what the people say of him, no?

        Or does he, too, live in that DC bubble he condemns?

    1. CapeClod

      He really missed an opportunity for the lolz by not holding up his hand next to his face with his pinkie extended towards his lips.

  1. user-of-owls

    Ooo! A new demographic! Which party will seize momentum by appealing to Deranged White Baldheads With No Apparent Affiliation or Consistent Record of Voting?!

    2012: Year of the Non Compos Mentis

  2. slithytoves

    Sorry Jack, your first syllogism is invalid, it denies the antecedent – a common mistake made by students. Didn't get an A, did you?

    1. doxastic

      I had a dark chuckle at the Slate interview with Loughner's philosophy prof, when the poor guy had to explain of formal logic that "when the premises aren't true, all bets are off."

  3. prommie

    Was he thusly shaven when he did the deed? Did he do this AFTER meeting with his defense attorney, and did she also suggest he try to look like a central-casting stereotypical "maniac?" I smell a rat, noone, noone is so true to stereotype; this guy makes Manson look sane and reasonable. Charles, not Marilyn, that Marilyn Manson guy is nuts.

  4. 4tehlulz_lite

    Why are you not making this point on Scarborough or Hardball? You could make money on logic like this!

    I'm sure even Howie Kurtz would be willing to toss you a $20, or at least your salad, if you were willing to be that "even the liberal ___" guy.

  5. Mahousu

    Right-wingers don't even pretend to use logic.
    Loughner wrote in (insane) syllogisms.
    Therefore, Loughner is a Marxist.

    Loughner wants to return to the gold standard (so far as I can figure out).
    William Jennings Bryan apparently liked gold so much, he wanted to make a cross out of it.
    Therefore, Loughner is a Democrat.
    Plus a Muslim.

  6. gef05

    I read about him on Wonkette which must mean he's a left-wing Nazi Kenyan fucktard. Otherwise, why would they be writing "articles" about him – hmmm?

  7. vulpes82

    I didn't even notice the eyebrow thing until you pointed it out, Jack. I was too busy huddling under my desk from THE EYES!

    1. kingofmeh

      i thought the proper reply to this, in light of the picture, would be "buhbuhbuhBUHbuhbuhBUHbuhBUHbuh . .. better run run run run run run run awaaaaaaayyyyy."

  8. chickensmack

    If we're doing logical fallacies, I has one:

    If Democrat, then Socialist
    Bernie Sanders = Socialist
    Nutter Shooter = Democrat.

    Limbaugh, I want my royalty check on this.

  9. SorosBot

    So he hated Giffords enough to try to kill her, but not enough to vote try to get her out of Congress the legitimate way and vote for her opponent. Makes sense to me.

    1. Crank_Tango

      maybe something something paranoid mind control voting something something?

      I dunno, the fucker is nuts, how can we expect him to make sense?

    2. ttommyunger

      It is obvious from his appearance that he is rational enough to have thought this through. Maybe he was sick (read sicker) on election day.

    3. Guppy06

      On the contrary, shooting a member of the government is far more legitimate than voting. As Scalia wold note, "universal suffrage" doesn't appear anywhere in the Constitution.

      Independent or not, he is a right-wing patriot.

      1. natoslug

        I know I shouldn't base my view on Independents on the handful that I actually know, but they are all former Republicans who felt that that the party was too centrist and corporate-owned. They are also all gun nuts and support the gold standard. None have shaved eyebrows and look like penises with arms and legs, so they're probably not dangerous.

  10. freakishlywrong

    So, Joe in the Mornin' spends all mornin', with Mika noddin', telling us that Independents are the center and that's where the country is, and Obamar has to "move to the center". We all know this means; "Govern like a Conservative". So, really, this terrifying lunatic is a conservative. See, I can do it too, Glenn, you hateful fuck.

    1. SorosBot

      The median voter in this country is in the center and has average politics right in the middle of the road; Joe likes making tautologies, and is also repetitive, and redundant as well.

    2. GunTotingProgressive

      Well, not to go all "Overton Window" on you, but I don't think my politics have changed all that much since the `80s, when I was a Republican, but somehow I'm now a liberal. Unfortunately, the morons have dragged the country slightly to the right of (trying to come up with a historical righty other than Hitler, so as not to introduce two annoying political concepts in the same post).

      1. HempDogbane

        Didn't you heed Rush's dictum? If you're middle of the road you'll just get run over. Run over by a speeding Overton Window, out of control having swerved to avoid hitting Godwin's Law.

        1. WriteyWriterton

          Ha,hah. I read "Rush's rectum." Ha, ha, I'm an idiot with my mind in the gutter. I should change my registration to Independent.

  11. bureaucrap

    Clearly he would have voted for Lizard People or Joe Lieberman (there's a difference?) had they been on the ballot in AZ.

  12. baconzgood

    I just hope that Republicans and Democrats can rise above this news and continue thier asinine finger pointing.

  13. prommie

    The worst part is, this wouldn't have happened if he had just decided to go kill Iris's pimp, instead.

    1. notreelyhelping

      Seriously: the Travis Bickle parallels are raising the hair on the back of my neck: you can just see this freak holding a finger to his head. *shudder*

  14. Not_So_Much

    Duh, all fox news wothcers no that independent is code fer goldurn librul homo. Case closed, Rush wins. (cuz he has a microphone and he will say so through it. Also.)

  15. WhatTheHeck

    I don't buy the assertion that he was “Independent.”

    He couldn't even spell the word.

    But he could spell “Glock.”

    1. freakishlywrong

      Holy crap. For once, it actually is! But if you get to drag that out then I get dibs on this one:

      That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

  16. Mojopo

    Does this mean the national media can correct their charted course and proceed forward with a rational discussion about gun control? Nah.

  17. DashboardBuddha

    My town has a nutty guy wandering around damning large trucks to hell and he has eyes like that. Should I be afraid?

    1. Crank_Tango

      If you're a large truck, yes. Or if you happen to be a Buddha on the Dashboard of a large truck, also, yes.

  18. prommie

    We should kill all the people who are trying to pin the blame on violent, incendiary, hyperbolic, demagoguery.

  19. SheriffRoscoe

    Does he have any tattoos or body art? We could learn so much. Things like body piercings and tattoos of Chinese symbols or yin and yang or some other shit would indicate a left-leaning bent, whilst tattoos of swastikas and names of various women he's fucked during his lifetime would indicate a conservative. Also, no tattoos or body art at all would mean he's a conservative of the craziest kind.

    I'm here to simply matters, wonketteers!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Also, no tattoos or body art at all would mean he's a conservative of the craziest kind.

      Uh-oh.

      1. SorosBot

        I don't relish the idea of several hours in pain to permanently change my body in a manner I may later regret, so that makes me a conservative too.

  20. hagajim

    Of course he was an independent…he independently killed a shitload of people….therefore he is an independent Marxist.

  21. doxastic

    I'm waiting for someone to point out that while it's not causal that mainstream Republican talking points show up in an unreasoned tapestry of extremist boilerplate, it's maybe indicative of how many of their tropes are born and strengthened in the hothouse of conspiracy madness, spinning out into the mainstream as "constituent concerns" and "legitimate questions raised by the American people." In other words, it isn't a cause, it's a sign pointing to another phenomenon.

    But, given that all of our talking heads are not actual rhetoricians (but play one on TV!), they'll leave it to "sometimes words make us do things, and sometimes they don't." It's like asking an astrologist about black holes.

    1. imissopus

      That sounds similar to a point I've tried to make a couple of times here and elsewhere, that when you're talking about a guy who might have been a paranoid schizophrenic with a persecution complex, his beliefs will dovetail with mainstream Republican talking points, which are mostly a list of ways in which the American (read: white) people are being persecuted by evil shadowy forces and the ways the people need to fight back.

      So no, Palin and Beck's bullshit didn't cause this kid to flip out, but it sure helped create an environment where his addled brain might have thought it was the thing to do. But the folks on TV can't deal with any idea that's even that complex.

  22. PubOption

    If the government was trying to control him through grammar, shouldn't he have shot an English teacher?

  23. DCHatesMe

    If all your base are belong to us, all you base are belong to us.

    If all politics is, or are, obsolete, all politics are, or is, obsolete.

  24. slithytoves

    I don't know if I can take that picture much longer – I'm starting to have dark thoughts, like I want to be a fly on the wall in the prison laundry when someone first wipes that grin off his face.

    1. Crank_Tango

      would you want to be there when someone knocks all his teeth in and then skullfucks the grin off his face? I sure don't. then why did I think of it? probably my hangover.

  25. CapeClod

    Tom Delay ruined mug shots forever for smiling when they took his. Now everybody does it. However, not everyone looks as murderously crazy as this fucking nut.

  26. ttommyunger

    This turd is getting way to much attention, folks, which judging from the expression on his face, is pleasing the shit out of him. Put him in the basement, give him a trial and then put him where he belongs. He's just another bad copy.

  27. hagajim

    What's with the Uloric ads Wonkette? Have the gout much? I know my uric acid is up from all this Loughner shit…

    1. HELisforHEL

      We're all susceptible to Gout due to all the drinking we're doing trying to numb us to the fact that large swaths of the country are breeding idiots like this crazy asshole.

      1. Spanky2a

        "large swaths of the country are breeding idiots like this crazy asshole. "
        Like NY for the Son of Sam,

        Wisconsin for Jeffrey Dahmer,

        Chicago for John Wayne Gacy,

        Washington for Gary Ridgway,

        California for Charles Manson, Andrew Cunanan, and others,

        etc..

        1. GOPCrusher

          Actually John Wayne Gacy was a resident of Waterloo, IA. same as Michele "Batshyt Crazy" Bachmann, so yes, your analogy is still correct.

          1. JaredLeftWingPothead

            When Gacy committed most of his crimes, he lived in Norwood Park, IL (just east of O'Hare airport).

  28. bureaucrap

    Maverick = Independent
    Independent = Mass Murderer,
    Therefore
    John McCain = North Vietnam.

    Knew it all along.

  29. HELisforHEL

    Why that's just silly! So many gun owners are just waiting for their hero moment! And you had to go ruin it all with the likely scenario and such.
    I come from a serious gun totin' family; concealed carry/distributor rights, the works (and of course, NRA members). And I rue the day that one of them, thinking it's their big shining moment of gun awesomeness and they're killing an intruder in the middle of the night, actually kills one of their cats padding through the bedroom.

  30. BeWoot

    If the Lizard People would just settle on one political brand, Loughner would be able to register as a party member.

  31. Sophist FCD

    Yup, he's one of the much sought after "swing voters". Or will be, assuming Arizona still hangs people.

  32. marinmaven

    Oh, crap! Am I going to have to change my registration from Decline-to-State to Green or Peace and Freedom party? Or is he American Independent, and I am okay where I am?

  33. walterhwhite

    So the fact that Laughner targeted a Democratic congresswoman isn't significant? I think it is. I go with the folks who think unbalanced people like Loughner are influenced by the hate-filled wingnut talk shows and people like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman who like to talk about taking up arms to "take back" their country. Sorry for the lack of snark. Will try to do better next time.

    1. SorosBot

      No, that's politicizing a political assassination. Just like the fact the anthrax mailer (remember him? We still don't know for sure who he was.) targeted only Democratic politicians and members of the "liberal" media was of no significance.

      1. hooray4anything

        Don't forget the guy who went after the Tides Foundation for whatever random reason other than lots of crazy people have it in for the Tides Foundation

      2. lulzmonger

        That's crazy-talk! Everyone knows it was that biochemist guy (who despite having easy access to oodles of deadly poisons opted for a slow agonizing suicide by OD'ing on Tylenol) who was diagnosed with delusions of grandeur & narcissism (yet inexplicably offed himself the day before he was due to become America's #1 media sensation)!

        I know it's true – I saw it on the Internets!

        1. SorosBot

          But imagine the horror that that could have resulted if the FBI had done their jobs, actually thoroughly investigated the case and caught the real killer in a timely fashion: the Bush administration and media wouldn't have been able to claim that Saddam Hussein was probably behind the attacks, and several hundred thousand Iraqis would still be alive today, along with over four thousand American and allied soldiers. And one of those dead Iraqis was Saddam, so that makes all those other deaths worth it.

      3. Negropolis

        No, that's politicizing a political assassination.

        FTW

        I've been screaming all day. This man didn't target some random folks shopping at the Safeway. He didn't even target Gabby while see was running day-to-day errands. This fucker hunted her down while she was on duty as a sitting congresswoman.

        BTW, what else I've been able to glean from his alleged notes left at his home is that not only doesn't he like most politicians, but he seems to be your typical sociopathic dude in that he seems to hate women in particular. You know, calling her "stupid" and saying that she "didn't get it" and then the last note calling her a "bitch".

        Asshole.

  34. GOPCrusher

    But according to the talking heads, like Monica Crowley, Independents are fleeing the Democrats and their hyper-liberal agenda.

  35. mavenmaven

    I think he defines a major demographic in todays end of weimar 'merka:
    he's "Joe the Deranged Killer".

  36. MiniMencken

    Loughner's syllogisms are long on the silly and short on the, uhm, jism? Steuf, yours are far too clear. You're no Jared Loughner, as we who are getting to know Jared Loughner can tell.

  37. Ducksworthy

    Whatever he thinks he is, he is a perfect example of Repuklican policies. Destroy access to community mental health services (psychiatry is a Jooish conspiracy after all) and do away with concealed carry permits and background checks that involve sanity. Presto. A country full of Jared Loughners. Next inflame nutcases with paranoid delusions of Kenyan communist takeovers. Stir well and,,,,Profit!

  38. PublicLuxury

    I thought Justin Beiber was the youngest internet rising star? Why is Jack hating on the Beiber?

  39. PublicLuxury

    It is just like a closeted republican to register as an independent just to make sure they get lots and lots of campaign poll calls. The little fucker wanted to throw the polls off. Can you even believe this deviant?

  40. sati_demise

    yea, well, if you saw the hella scary commercials here in Arizona brought to you by Citizens United you would not have voted either. 24/7 of terrifying images and music.

    You would have stayed in bed cowering with your dried food and bottled water waiting for the United States to be destroyed by the health care.

    1. JaredLeftWingPothead

      "paultard"

      Careful!

      The poster known as SoreassButt does not allow the use of unauthorized vocabulary!

  41. sati_demise

    When most of the Republicans (except for the 24% who still loves them some Bush) refused to be called Republicans anymore they became Independents.

    I imagine they are still Republicans.

  42. GOPCrusher

    Well, since Tea Baggers claim that they are Independent, that they are enraged by both Democratic and Republiklan Congress people, I would have to assume that the next thing that we hear from Sarah Palin will be her telling the world that she has always been a staunch Republiklan and never has had anything to do with the Tea Bagger Movement. Wonder how Michele "Batshyt Crazy" Bachmann is going to spin her way out of being the self-proclaimed leader of the Tea Bagger Caucus in the House?

  43. HedonismBot

    As much as I would like to be able to blame this terrible atrocity on the teabag party, I realize that no sane, balanced, well-adjusted person would commit this kind of crime, no matter how much Beck they listened to, or how much they worshipped at the Altar of Snowbilly.
    Therefore, Loughner is neither balanced nor adjusted. Therefore, he is a Larouchie.

    1. Sassomatic

      Because for two years now people have been saying that if the violent rhetoric keeps up some sane, balanced person is going to kill someone.

  44. Negropolis

    I love "independent" voters, these days. They are either one of two things: people too embarrassed to publically side with the Republican Party (whilst still voting for them, which is MOST independents), or self-righteous, reverse/post-ironic contrarians who believe that the Democrats are so yesterday, and/or believe that "both sides do it" whatever "it" is.

    Dude was a fringe-righty, so far to the right he thought the GOP too moderate for his taste.

    Let's just put it this way, if Jesse Kelly would have been elected instead of Gabby Giffords, his crazy would have stayed under control.

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