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PULL!Sen. Joe Manchin saw some Republican candidates in the midterms using heated rhetoric about using their guns on people, so he decided he had to do it too. So he went hunting for a wild cap-and-trade bill on some coon trail and shot it in slow motion with his sexy shotgun. Did he field dress it? Did he eat it raw, or did he cook it or make it into jerky? Did he “use the whole animal,” Indian-style? We don’t know, because the commercial is only 30 seconds. But Joe Manchin needs us to know that he would never actually kill somebody. “I have never targeted an individual, and I never would,” he said. Joe Manchin just wants to murder the environment, not you.

“I’ve spent my whole career bringing people together, avoiding the rancor of partisan politics, and that will continue to be the focus of my work as U.S. Senator going forward. The act of a deranged madman who commits a horrific act should not and cannot be confused with a metaphor about a piece of legislation,” he said in a statement.

Joe Manchin avoids the rancor of partisan politics by choosing to disappear whenever votes that are actually important happen, you see. And although he gets angry and takes stacks of bills out behind the Capitol on which to take out his murderous intent with a shotgun, he would never harm a political opponent, because he loves all of Jesus’ little children.

“Kids, I want you to know that you should never point all of your guns at a human being. You should only use a hunting rifle, and you should only point it at legislation people have invested their hearts in. Then, after you kill it, you should rub its blood all over your body and report back to the mysterious man in the fedora.”

Don’t worry. Nobody has ever been inspired to do anything by Joe Manchin. [The Hill]

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  • SorosBot

    He "avoids the rancor of partisan politics" by talking just like a Republican while technically being a Democrat.

    • Like most people who are too overtly fond of guns, he is a frightened, little man.

      • horsedreamer_1

        How does this explain Liebermann, though?

        … Oh, love-guns. Particularly, those belonging to Walnuts! & Ham-biscuits.

    • Sophist FCD

      He "avoids the rancor of partisan politics" by talking just like a Republican while technically being a Democrat.

      Also by putting his fingers in his ears and going "nah-nah-nah-I-can't-hear-you-nah-nah". You can't engage in partisan politics if you refuse to engage with anyone, ever, right?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I was thinking of Joe this morning when I had to flush twice.

  • Blendergoathead

    Total cop-out. He has legions of stupid, angry people to shoot people *for* him, so he doesn't have to mess up his manicure with that nasty gun oil.

    The Senate should schedule important votes every day, so we never have to hear from this twit.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Glad we got that clarified. Will that be the new NRA tagline?

    • sussemilch

      "You can have my metaphor for blocking legislation when you pry it from my cold, dead hands."

  • But but the constitution is a living document! OMG! He's going to kill the US America constitution!!!!

    Just kidding. GOPers are already doing that anyway.

    • twaingirl

      Not sure after the Bush/Cheney reign if there's much left to kill.

  • GunTotingProgressive

    C'mon Jack, you're better than this.

    It's a rifle, not a shotgun. Looks like a .308.

    R.I.P. Neillist.

    • hockeymom

      What happened to Neillist?

      • SorosBot
        • Terry

          Did he move to an enclave in the remote mountains of Idaho or something? It was really too soon for that. He has a sense of humor and all.

          • V572625694

            Agreed — he was viciously funny at times; other times just vicious. But the opprobrium he received for his comments over the weekend was apparently too much even for a self-proclaimed all-caps ASSHOLE.

          • Terry

            That's too bad. He made for some nice variety.

          • I just assumed he accidentally shot himself, playing with guns in the bathtub. A deletion of account just seems so… so anticlimactic.

            No hail of bullets, no blaze of glory…

            Still, I'll kind of miss that asshole.

          • hockeymom

            "Opprobrium"….My new word of the day!

          • aqua_buddha

            There's more there …

            Congressional oversight = PayGopprobrium

            Republican congressional solution = Nopprobrium

            Lieberman fever = Joepprobrium

            Political dialogue circa 2011 = Semiautoprobrium

            We didn't really mean "targeting" anybody = Fauxpprobrium

          • V572625694

            He also suffered calumniation. Everybody hates that.

          • OneDollarJuana

            WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALL CAPS? I'M TRYING TO SAVE MY LOWER-CASE LETTERS FOR THE FUTURE.

          • Sophist FCD

            What future?

        • hockeymom

          Oh.
          Never mind.

        • Tundra Grifter

          I'm just glad to learn he didn't post his "Goodbye" on MySpace.

        • deanbooth

          Can we split his peeage?

      • GunTotingProgressive

        I picture the digital equivalent to what the monks did in Vietnam.

      • He just needed a hug.

    • Neilist! Come back! You're the first troll I've ever thought about in a kindly way. And I learned so much about guns! I hope whatever mountain-based militia you joined understands what a catch they've gotten. You will be missed /sad

  • slithytoves

    And in other breaking news from The Hill, Conservative pundit William Kristol on Monday compared attacks on Palin on[sic] McCarthyism

    which I take to mean that Palin is a communist?

    Honestly, I can't keep up with all this hyperbole.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      I thought Bachmann was the new McCarthy? Is she attacking Palin? Weren't they BFF's? They both hate on Coulter? What's with these conservative bitches? There is no NorthStar!

    • DangerHelvetica

      I thought they LIKED McCarthyism.

      • This is like the new coke to them. They'll bitch and moan until the old one comes back.

        • OneDollarJuana

          Except the old Coke never came back. They replaced the sucrose with high fructose corn syrup. If you want real Coke you have to get Mexican Coca Cola which is still make with real cane sugar.

          • SorosBot

            Or the kosher Coke, which is available around Passover and beloved by many non-Jews like myself for its taste.

    • SorosBot

      Telling people "you shouldn't say that" when they make inflammatory comments is exactly the same as ruining people's careers over rumors of what they did decades before.

      And hey, at least the right wing doesn't gratuitously accuse people of being communist anymore!

    • doxastic

      I can see the Congressional hearings now: "Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the dildo party?"

    • WriteyWriterton

      "McCarthyism"? Does this have anything to do with autism-causing vaccinations/Jim-Carrey-ex-girlfriends?

      I haz a confused.

    • Sophist FCD

      Oh no, The Sarah is going to be blacklisted! She'll never not work in politics again.

      • natoslug

        Did she ever actually WORK in politics before?

  • freakishlywrong

    I’ve spent my whole career bringing people together, avoiding the rancor of partisan politics, and that will continue to be the focus of my work as U.S. Senator going forward.

    Except for those who care about the environment. For them, I focused my rifle on their pansy ass piece of legislation. "What, it's STILL raining in Australia?, Well, it's summer there innit'? And they said those floods were biblical, that's a good thing, right?"

    • Terry

      Eh, environmental stuff is probably ok with him as long as it doesn't slow down mountaintop removal in West Virginia.

  • prommie

    They're gonna have to take my violent rhetoric from my cold, dead fingers!

    • Not_So_Much

      I don't even wanna know where his cold, dead finger has been. 'Specially after that "Christmas party".

  • mereoblivion

    So West Virginia's almost caught up with Arizona again?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?
    I'm goin' down to shoot some legislation
    You know I saw it messin' round with the turtle man.

  • Joe’s right. Guns ain’t fer jus killin people any more. For example, guns are good for opening beers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2vT_INb23U

  • doxastic

    Oh I'm pretty sure he's inspired some plutocrats to hold on to their coal investments a little while longer…

  • Hera Sent Me

    Guns don't kill people, unstable people who've been driven to violence by hateful political rhetoric do.

    Of course, then they use guns to do the actual killing.

    • SorosBot

      Guns don't kill people in massacres like this; they just make it a hell of a lot easier for the killer to succeed in killing a lot of people.

  • "I wasn't trying to shoot the congressperson, I was trying to shoot the environmental legislation they were writing in their mind."

  • JackDempsey1

    I'd like to take that rifle of his and shoot him in the balls.
    On second thought—–I'll need a less powerful rifle and a more powerful telescopic lens.

  • doxastic

    How hard is it to just say "in retrospect, that ad was in bad taste and we regret making it. But that was in the past, now we need to [insert cliches about 'moving forward' and 'coming together]"

    I'm just saying, there are some non-jackass replies to be made. It's just that no one wants to make them.

    • GregComlish

      Probably because Jesus loves guns and because waffling on gun enthusiasm is a rejection of His Love.

  • user-of-owls

    Can you be "inspired" to gag or is that just a reflex?

    • ttommyunger

      Correct, User. He regularly inspires me to throw up in my own mouth.

    • petehammer

      Interesting fact: Lindsey Graham has no gag reflex. That's why he, Joementum, and Walnuts get along so well.

  • baconzgood

    Guns don't kill bills. Inept legislatures from back asswards hill billy states do.

    • baconzgood

      P.S. Thank you Joe for removing those gaudy Mountian tops that were blocking my view.
      Just go back to destroying the pristine beauty of your state.

  • Born in 1947 & none mil service in the Vietnam era. Kin you say chickenhawk? I knew you could.

    ♪♫ It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood
    Will you be my target? ♫♪

  • DCHatesMe

    He's a sex shooter, shooting love in our direction.

  • neiltheblaze

    For my part, I'm perfectly willing to believe that Joe Manchin "eats it raw".

    • Tundra Grifter

      At the risk of dating myself (at least I'm going out with someone I like) – I haven't heard that expression in thirty years.

      • SorosBot

        I'm not sure what that even means.

        • horsedreamer_1

          T

        • neiltheblaze

          It's a reference to oral sex circa 1960's-'70's. It's ok – I didn't understand what something being "the bee's knees" was supposed to mean either.

      • neiltheblaze

        Brings back memories, doesn't it?

      • GOPCrusher

        And I understand that the wild and wooly bush look is making a come back!

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I think the real reason why Sarah's been obsessed with being unseemly thin is not just vanity, she wanted to be able to wear bullet proof vests without the bulge. She knows the peeps who have her back after all.

    I wonder what it will be like for the two members of Congress, Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) and Heath Shuler (D-N.C.) who plan on carrying guns when they're in their districts as protection against potential attacks?

    • hockeymom

      And in direct contrast to Chaffetz and Shuler, is Representative Keith Ellison from Minnesota. His reaction was to immediately publicize his "Congress on your Corner" appearance this weekend. And invite people to show up.
      Ellison is Muslim. Think he's ever had any threats, Shuler?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Shuler is just carrying a piece to make sure Gus Frerotte doesn't take his job in Washington, like happened before.

    • zhubajie

      If Sarah P is shot by anyone, it'll be by one of her brood, after being screwed over once too often. Or maybe Levi.

  • Manchin actually couldn't hit anyone with his rifle because, like everything else about him, it always pulls to the right.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Nothing says TeaBagger like projectiles being shot out by tubular objects and a Man-Chin in the area.

  • JustPixelz

    And those "death panels" are only killing ineffective medical procedures. It doesn't imply any actual deaths are occurring. HA HA silly liberals, you thought Repubicans meant "death" and "kill" and "baby murderer" literally.

    "Don't retreat, reload" is only talking about reloading SP's FB page.

    "Obama is destroying America and must be stopped by any means necessary" is just a harmless reference to being sure the brakes on his car are working OK.

    • Second Amendment remedy has nothing to do with guns or shooting people.

  • user-of-owls

    I've been having trouble describing what came to mind when I saw pictures of Manchin, but now I think I've got it. He reminds me of a third-rate actor in a fifth-rate soap opera. Close your eyes and I'll bet you can see him locking horns with fellow petit-oligarch Rick Perry as they compete for the attention of the shriveled harridan matriarch, Jan Brewer.

    Sure, it's a complicated thing. But the raw association is strong, no?

  • Terry

    I always thought Palin's famous line should have been "Don't retreat, RETWEET"

  • DahBoner

    Cmon!

    You guys should know the ONLY reason why Joe Manchin uses a gun is because he is PISSED OFF that the only question he gets from women, over and over again is:

    "IS IT IN YET?":

  • ttommyunger

    Nice tooth! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • ttommyunger

    When Joe and Ted Nugent double-date with their favorite rifles, who winds up on top? Just wondering.

  • hagajim

    By murdering the environment Old Joe is killing us all – softly.

  • Guppy06

    "The act of a deranged madman"

    He misspelled "lawful gun owner."

  • jus_wonderin

    Douche

  • PublicLuxury

    Excellent safety tips.

  • Sue4466

    I don't care how comfortable Manchin is with cognitive dissonance, but you cannot say “I’ve spent my whole career bringing people together, avoiding the rancor of partisan politics" and also shoot pieces of legislation with a rifle to win an election. I don't care how many times he tries to take it back.

  • Ducksworthy

    You know your really in Amurikka when your congress critter promises not to murder you. Given how often they break their word, this is not actually very comforting.

  • Mindblank

    Today, we are all the environment.

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