ONLY BROWNS GET THE CHAIR  4:47 pm January 10, 2011

Tom DeLay Sentenced To Three Years In Prison With Himself

by Jack Stuef

Texas judge Pat Priest sentenced DeLay to three years on a conspiracy charge and also sentenced him to five years in prison for money laundering. Priest, however, allowed DeLay to accept 10 years probation on the money laundering charge, assuming he meets certain conditions set by the court.

DeLay could have received up to life in prison on the money laundering and conspiracy charges.

You know what Tom DeLays do to Tom DeLays in prison? They have sex with them, we heard. Gross! (Just kidding; once the appeal’s done, Tom DeLay will serve life in not going to prison.) [USA Today]

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Hola wonkerados.

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JadedDissonance January 10, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Next week, on Dancing with the Soap!

SudsMcKenzie January 10, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Hold me close now Tiny Financier.

Serolf_Divad January 10, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Fox News is running a story on this. Guess what word appears nowhere in the story itself? That's right, it's the word Republican.

petehammer January 10, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I'm pretty sure Delay was a Democrat.

Or, at least he will be deemed that now.

Katydid January 10, 2011 at 5:11 pm

That's just amazing. It makes me tired just thinking about having to remember shit like that.

natoslug January 10, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Third paragraph/sentence in begins with Republican. Ugh. I've actually been reduced defending (sort of) Fox News. I need a bottle of ipecac, a shower, and some tequila. Fortunately, I was able to stop reading after that third paragraph, so I probably missed where they stated he was completely innocent, and if not, was really an undercover progressive sent to destroy the GOP from within or whatever it is they usually print as their political fanfic.

Serolf_Divad January 10, 2011 at 6:45 pm

They've altered the text of the story since I posted my comment, significantly lengthening it and acknowledging that he is a Republican. But when the story first ran there was no mention of his party affiliation.

natoslug January 10, 2011 at 6:57 pm

But isn't a Fox News post like the word of God?- Perfect in every way and eternal?  Why would they ever want to alter perfection?  Yes, I vomited a bit saying that.  Time to go to the beach for a bit and get away from the webby world.  The Internet's been too insane of late (e.g. 1983-Present).

Serolf_Divad January 10, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Here's the entire text of the first Fox Story:

AUSTIN, Texas — A judge has ordered U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay to serve three years in prison for his role in a scheme to illegally funnel corporate money to Texas candidates in 2002.

The sentence comes after a jury in November convicted DeLay on charges of money laundering and conspiracy to commit money laundering. DeLay was once one of the most powerful men in U.S. politics, ascending to the No. 2 job in the House of Representatives.

The former Houston-area congressman had faced up to life in prison. His attorneys asked for probation.

Senior Judge Pat Priest issued his ruling after a brief sentencing hearing on Monday in which former U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert testified on DeLay's behalf.

Priest declined to hear testimony from the state's only witness.

slowhansolo January 11, 2011 at 1:45 am

"A judge has ordered…"

Not "sentenced." Think what you will.

transfatz January 11, 2011 at 12:38 am

This is not the first time Fox tried some story laundering. I guess they had to re-add the dirt.

Terry January 12, 2011 at 8:52 am

Funny that. Delay was actually crookedly moving money in order to fund Republican campaigns.

deanbooth January 10, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Hammer biscuits!

NewtsChicknNeck January 10, 2011 at 5:01 pm

yes, yes…but will he still be available to help draw Texas's new congressional districts for Bachmann's 14th foster child, the fourth Palin kid, and Rick Perry's logcabin rightwing "best friend"?

SexySmurf January 10, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Looks like the Aryan Brotherhood just got a new drug mule.

kenlayisalive January 10, 2011 at 6:25 pm

He's not going to have room for all the things that will end up in his ass.

Moonbat January 11, 2011 at 10:47 am

He's found room for his head all these years, I'm sure he'll work something out.

petehammer January 10, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Well, hopefully Tom can DELAY getting HAMMERed in the GERRYMANDER.

What I'm saying is, he'll appeal but eventually go to prison and will have done to him what he did to Texas/the country.

This guy defines "shit-eating grin."

Negropolis January 11, 2011 at 2:40 am

Gene Shalit, that you?

Moonbatting Average January 10, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Watch our for your cornhole, buddy

Sophist FCD January 10, 2011 at 5:23 pm

You're going to federal filibuster-me-in-the-ass prison.

Angry_Marmot January 11, 2011 at 1:44 am

Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel 9!

SorosBot January 10, 2011 at 5:03 pm

DeLay is not exact a handsome or charming man, so in prison he will probably be dancing with himself (oh oh oh).

ttommyunger January 10, 2011 at 5:25 pm

A preponderance of prison sex has nothing to do with looks or charm.

Negropolis January 11, 2011 at 2:42 am

No, they'll just use him as a waste receptacle. If prison had anything to do with looks, well, more would leave the place prison virgins.

He better find him a nice, big husband in there to protect him, because his tiny ass is gonna get used up.

GOPCrusher January 11, 2011 at 4:20 pm

And his stint on Dancing With The Stars will probably earn him a little more attention than the normal fresh meat gets, once put into general population.

BerkeleyBear January 10, 2011 at 5:03 pm

DeLay is probably wishing he had been up on Federal charges about now. Texas state prisons suck – although since many are run by private corporations with heavy lobbying operations, I suppose there's a chance he could find someone to "influence" for better accomodations.

Terry January 12, 2011 at 8:53 am

First, he still may never see the inside of a cell. If he does, however, he'll suffer just as much as those major drug lords did when they went to jail in Colombia.

Extemporanus January 10, 2011 at 5:03 pm

♪♫ Stop…Hammer time! ♪♫

EatsBabyDingos January 10, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Could not happen to a nicer guy. No, wait, yes it could.

LionelHutzEsq January 10, 2011 at 5:09 pm

The funny thing will be when they accidentally execute him because Rick Perry is too busy getting ready to secede to actually read the death warrants put in front of him.

edgydrifter January 10, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Three years? You need to divide that by twelve when you convert it to WAR (white and rich) time.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 10, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I believe a more appropriate sentence would have been the death penalty. You know, first offense…Texas….

WriteyWriterton January 10, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Okay, time for a little disappointment, Wonketteers: as someone else already noted, Tommy D is a white male Republican in a state entirely run by them, with an appellate judiciary probably dominated by them. So, his first get-out-of-jail free card might come from an appellate court or the Texas Supreme Court (Our motto: where "Supreme" means "Supremely Stupid").

If that doesn't happen, Governor Lego (TM) -hair will commute his sentence or, in a particularly generous moment, pardon Him-for-Whom-There-Ought-To-Be-No-Pardon. So… the likelihood seems to me low that Delay will miss even a day of lucrative "government-relations" work on K street.

In short, the ex-exterminator will all but certainly spend WAY less time in prison then two black women who stole $11 worth of whatever in Mississippi. And, by "WAY less time in prison," I mean zero time.

gurukalehuru January 10, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Party pooper.

snoopyfan2010 January 10, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Sure, but the $11 the women stole hurt more people than the thousands of dollars he stole. Or something like that.

inedalo January 12, 2011 at 3:17 pm

you are correct, he will never serve a day in jail. those repugs protect their own, and remember that texas is a 100% repug-controlled state. wise up wonketeers and don't be so naive. get street-smarts. how many want to place a bet that Hammertom gets a delay on prison? ain't gonna spend one day in graybar hotel. take it from me.
read this and weep, comrades.

SudsMcKenzie January 10, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Where can I donate cartons of smokes to the inmates?

iburl January 10, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Omg! I know as a liberal I should be well conditioned to be grossly disappointed in all forms of Hope, but I am getting excited. I think I'll start getting my mixtape ready in case he really goes into the pen!!

Not sure if anybody else has mentioned this, but the judge was quite hott as Marilyn Munster.

WriteyWriterton January 10, 2011 at 5:26 pm


"After listening to Mr. DeLay say he felt he had done nothing wrong, Judge Pat Priest sentenced him to three years in prison for the conspiracy count and 10 years’ probation for the money laundering count. The judge rejected arguments from Mr. DeLay that the trial had been a politically motivated vendetta mounted by an overzealous Democratic District Attorney.

“Before there were Republicans and Democrats, there was America, and what America is about is the rule of law,” the judge said just before pronouncing the sentence. "

Dupnik/Priest 2016 (after Barry finishes his second term). Makes sense to me.

DustBowlBlues January 10, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Goddamit writey and "my" wonkette. I just did this on the previous thread and you shit heads (wait–are any of you members of congress? If so, I take shit head back) beat me to it. Ten years probation for money laundering. Just the sound of it is sweet.

snoopyfan2010 January 10, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I'll vote for that.

inedalo January 12, 2011 at 3:19 pm

yeah a guy named Priest will get many votes, but not sure about Dupnik. voters will ask – is he really american? them voters is so dumb in the United States of Jeebus.

ttommyunger January 10, 2011 at 5:28 pm

What Writey said, times two. Fantasize all you like, Wonketeers; this slimy cocksucker will not serve a day inside. He does, however, have to be Tom DeLay, and that has to suck out loud.

DustBowlBlues January 10, 2011 at 5:33 pm

After Young Riley's downer post that he wouldn't be sentenced because he's too white and too Republithug (might have made up the latter adjective, Young Riley, if so, I apologize) I wasn't thinking anything good would come of this.

And Beck/Palin the next post? Who cares if I'm snowed in and we forgot to pickup my expensive arthritis drug and I haven't taken it in for four days and can barely walk and am in extreme pain in all my joints (actually, I wish I had a joint. It would help, but then, it might turn me into a mass murderer, so there's that), it's Xmas for the wonkeratti!

Wingnuts on parade. Hugs and kisses to the wonket.

LionHeartSoyDog January 10, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Hope you get by with a little help from your friends.
Best Wishes.

Ancient_Hackery January 10, 2011 at 5:38 pm

His attorneys will get him off on a medical appeal (he sniffed too much cockroach killer when he was an exterminator), or on insanity (obvious).

not that Dewey January 10, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Is he gonna need to resort to 8th amendment remedies?

MinAgain January 10, 2011 at 5:41 pm

The judge had to do this. Putting Delay in a cell with another prisoner would be cruel and unusual punishment.

Steverino247 January 10, 2011 at 5:46 pm

I don't know, guys. I didn't think Randy Cunningham would ever see a day in prison and now I'm sure he's never going to see a day out of it. Maybe that hopey changey thing really is working for me.

Troubledog January 10, 2011 at 5:46 pm

DeLay was a pot-smoking loner. Nothing to see here.

ptulinski January 10, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Let's not forget the best part of this news: he's going to jail in a Texas State Prison, no Federal Country Club for the exterminator from SugarLand.

Mahousu January 10, 2011 at 7:50 pm

TPM has some of the letters written on Tom Delay's behalf and they make for great reading. I was particularly impressed by Congressman Louie Gohmert's letter, which details how "selfless" and "generous" Delay was in giving up a number of his Republican voters when re-gerrymandering the Texas Congressional districts. I had never looked upon gerrymandering as an act of charity before.

Well, I still don't, but that's probably because I'm stubborn.

onemoretime79 January 11, 2011 at 1:39 am

Stubborn like a mule. And what's wrong with that.

Let me take one small moment to reflect upon the last time Delay had any say as to how to re-draw districts in Texas.

If memory serves ; Certain Democratic representatives walked out under protest of his hammer-like ways. In Texas. On account of gerrymandering. Go figure, I kid not.

Delay called Homeland Security. Someone picked up the phone. Delay got his way, back then.

Now he's got the highway.
May it be to hell.

PublicLuxury January 10, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Do you think it'll be a 'real pound me in the ass prison'? Or will it be just a 'finger bang me in the ass prison'?

Negropolis January 11, 2011 at 2:47 am

Seeing him on Dancing With The Stars, I fear he wouldn't take either as punishment.

In a perfect world, they'd send the Littlest Congressman to a work-camp, which would truly be punishment for him, but that's not ever going to happen.

hagajim January 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I'm guessing Mr. Hammer will spend some time out of the stir with his appeal, and then might (and I emphasize might) just spend around a year in some minimum security prison playing tennis and stuff….so it's probably finger bang me in the ass prison.

Soylent Green January 12, 2011 at 1:26 am

dance, little man, dance.

inedalo January 12, 2011 at 3:21 pm

he ain't gonna do no time in the graybar hotel. wanna bet on it?
he is no cunning-ham, but exterminator hammertom.

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