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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Hola wonkerados.

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266 comments

    1. Karma_Suture

      to rephrase a previous post from someone much brighter than myself…..
      If he was created in god's image why isn't that fuck from Westboro invisible?

    2. DMaxC

      Oh c'mon, is everyone you know like a WBC member?
      People are corrupted by life, nobody is born this fucked up

  1. GuanoFaucet

    Vile and morally despicable, that's how the Westboro Baptist Church rolls. Fuck those sadistic morons.

    1. SorosBot

      But the Fred Phelps is a lie-beral, cause he hates teh troops, whose all conservatives! (yes I'm ignoring that he protests their funerals cause he thinks theUS doesn't hate the gayz enuff.)
      -JaredLeftWingPothead

  2. iburl

    I have one question for Jesus. How come Satan doesn't rent a schoolbus and drive really, really, fast (85 MPH?) into your picketers as they are getting out of their minivan?

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      ok fuck, I'll do it…I got no wife/ kids/ job or anything else to lose by putting these despicable bunch of retards out of their misery…can't wait to see the whites of their eyes as their Jebus comes to take them home, to hell! (think a Hummer would do it? I hear you can pick 'em up cheap nowadays)

      1. deelzebub

        I say we have a more peaceful protest Wonkette-style. Sodomy-in on the front lawn of their church….who's with me?

        1. finallyhappy

          I can't participate in sodomy but I am willing to come and sing and pray in Hebrew- close enough for to sodomy for these bastards

      1. GOPCrusher

        YouTube it. Michael Moore and a busload of gays showed up at a Westboro Baptist protest. Hilarity ensued.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      I have one question for Jesus. How come Satan doesn't rent a schoolbus and drive really, really, fast (85 MPH?) into your picketers as they are getting out of their minivan?

      Because they are not Jesus's picketers. They are Satan's.

  3. SheriffRoscoe

    God sent the shooter? Kind of makes me long for the days when he would just call down a lightning strike.

    1. SorosBot

      No, Zeus and Thor are the ones who controlled lightning; Yahweh prefers more painful tortures, like killing every firstborn child in an entire country because the king pissed him off or sending bears to eat a group of children because they mocked one of his prophets for being bald.

      1. doxastic

        At least when Zeus smites people, he's upfront about the reason: He resents that you do not want to sex him.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        "Have you no sense of decency, Sarah? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?"**

        **Joseph Welch updated for today.

    2. MaxUdargo

      God needs to speak more clearly. I'm sorry, but if God hates us because we are a depraved, perverted nation and raise our children to mock him and his servants, then he needs to stop beating around the bush and really let us have it. This wishy-washy shit of killing a cute kid here and there or crashing a plane into a building once every ten years isn't the kind of half-assed bullshit I expect from a wrathful God.

      You want us to listen, God, then get off your lazy ass and spread some serious, almighty wrath. Slaughter, like, 60% of us. Take all our first-borns. Slam an asteroid into San Francisco and turn California into shallow sea. If you're so fucking awesome, show us the money. 'Cause I don't think anybody's impressed with this lame-ass, random schoolgirl-shooting shit. Step up, bitch, or piss off.

    1. assistantatlas

      In defense of Kansas, they fucking despise the Westboro Baptist people — because they have to deal with them constantly, and they fuck up the state's rep (Midwesterners are very conscious of appearances). In Topeka, instead of cow-tipping being the favored pastime of bored teenagers, it's throwing rocks into the Westboro compound. Seriously.

  4. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Riley's really picking up a lot of personality traits from Ken. The resigned bitterness is way ahead of his years.

  5. harry_palmer

    Because the creator of the universe loves me personally like his own child, and being omnipotent has things here on earth under such control, I am filled with hatred of everyone who sees things a bit differently from me, and I bitterly wish horrible suffering on them, and even on children. Cuz that's how Jesus the Prince of Peace rolls.

    1. comrad_darkness

      No one in their right mind would want to attract the attention of the Westboro Baptist Church's God.

  6. Texan_Bulldog

    At some point, you can't even think THEY believe their own shit. Come on, TLC. Give them their own reality show so the rest of us can be left in peace.

    1. Redhead

      They don't. They say it to get a reaction from people and/or get punched so they can then sue the person who punched them and have enough money to keep doing what they do.

      I like the reality show idea, as long as it's filmed far, far away from here. How about Westboro v. Palin clan: duel to the death (in Alaska, of course).

  7. MadBrahms

    If the media wants to really do us all a service, they'll completely ignore this and keep the cameras totally off of Phelps. This attention whore needs to be starved.

    Still, I'm hoping that motorcycle gang of veterans that follows him around shows up to harass him, at least.

  8. undeterredbyreality

    Yeah, I'm sure that's what Christ had in mind when he said "Blessed are the peacemakers." He was talking about the Colt Peacemaker, I'm sure (they didn't have Glocks in his day).

    1. OneTrueLiberal

      Dear Undeterredbyreality:

      I agree with you completely! When Jesus threw the moneychangers out of the Temple, he did so peacefully. Our Lord lovingly knocked over their tables and affectionately condemned them to damnation, in the same way that we here in Wonkette express our concerns towards those misguided souls who don't See The New Dawn of Socialism rising the the East.

      And went He said "I come not to bring Peace, but with a sword," Our Lord meant that only in the kindest, gentlest way of the Lamb possible — as evidenced by the history of His One True Church in the years since.

      Cordially,

      Eleanor

    2. SorosBot

      Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

    3. JustPixelz

      Plus Mr. Fucknut''s Glock in Tuscon jammed! I'm expecting a press release from Glock saying their guns do not jam when used properly.

  9. LionelHutzEsq

    43Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

    44But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

    45That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

    46For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

    47And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

    48Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Go for the head shot. And if you can pick off a nine-year old girl at the same time, you are truly one of the lambs of God.

  10. vulpes82

    Mr. Waggaman, you WIN THE AFTERNOON (well, night, but whatever) with that alt-text. Ken, I think the student has become the master. You must be so proud.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Hanging with Briebart has really done wonders as far as honing Wag's angst and heartfelt bitterness.

  11. HistoriCat

    Westboro Baptist Church – doing their damnedest to reawaken the vengeful anger of the Old Testament God. If such a God existed, the WBC people could expect to have some serious smiting headed their way. Since they continue to exist and for some sad, strange reason prosper, I'm inclined to seriously doubt any such godly smiting happens.

    1. DeLand_DeLakes

      Y'know, seeing people who place so much faith in a bastardized reincarnation of a Caananite storm god kinda makes me wish that there was some way for them to be conscious of the fact that after death, they are, in fact, just stone cold fuckin' dead.

    2. bitchincamaro2

      The continued existence of these cretins tells me the intellectual barometric pressure continues to drop in this country; just another symptom of a downward spiraling empire, I guess.

  12. gullywompr

    Not all Christians are members of Westboro Baptist Church, but all members of Westboro Baptist Church are Christians.

    1. Guppy06

      Your Westboro Baptist deviates from your regular baptist in that the regular baptist claims to love America while hating Americans (esp. brown, gay, Democrats, etc.). Phelps, for better or worse, couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      "Not all Christians are members of Westboro Baptist Church, but all members of Westboro Baptist Church are Christians."

      No. No, they are not Christians at all.

  13. LionelHutzEsq

    Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets

    And, come on, you think they are not trying to do you with a semi-auto?

  14. OneTrueLiberal

    The federal government needs to take action IMMEDIATELY against such "churches."

    I am sure that my fellow Wonketteers will agree that the so-called "Founding Fathers" failed to realize that "religions" that are offensive to the majority of their fellow citizens are not legitimate, and should be outlawed lest they disturb the tranquility of the workers' state that we are trying to build.

    "Religious Freedom" and "Religious Tolerance" are wonderful ideas in the abstract. But we here in Wonkette realize that unpopular ideas — and any appeal to moral absolutes — are not just wrong; they are dangerous.

    Only those religious or philosophical ideas with which we Liberals agree should be allowed a public hearing. The Quakers were drummed out of New England, and the Mormons out of Illinois, for a very good reason, and the same "exile" policy should be applied to these fanatics.

    Cordially,

    Eleanor

    1. Troubledog

      Beast starving mode on.

      I'm still reeling in shock from learning today the TP types say Fred Phelps is one of us. They call him Democrat Fred Phelps and say his church is a Democrat Hate Group. It boggles the mind.

  15. Texan_Bulldog

    Thinking as the mother of an almost 9 year old daughter, let me just say I would KILL these fuckers if they pulled this at my child's funeral. I wouldn't care about their first amendment rights or peaceable assembly or any of that crap. I would kill them with my bare hands, if there was anything left of them after my husband got done with them. Vile, vile human beings.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Killing is too good for these pieces of cockroach sh*t. They need to be maimed and horribly disgfigured, and disabled. If that happened to every member of this hellish joke of a church, i MIGHT consider believing in Yow-way/jeebus again.

      1. ttommyunger

        They are already maimed and horribly disfigured. More would be nice, though, if it were possible.

    2. CalamityJames

      Am I the only one picturing the scene from Airplane, with everyone lined up, waiting their turn? I will happily allow every single one of you guys cutsies, just as long as I get my turn.

    1. OkieDokieDog

      Too much religion in general and way too much tax exemption for religion. It's a business – tax 'em!

  16. kenlayisalive

    I'm not expecting sanity America, but how 'bout just like a ten minute break from trying to top yourselves with the most appalling displays of asshole-ry imaginable.

    For fuck's sake.

    1. cheetojeebus

      You'll have to pry that Cool Ranch Dorito from my cold dead hands- this is Amerka god damn it.

  17. LionelHutzEsq

    3Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

    4Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.

    5Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.

    6Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

    7Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.

    8Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

    9Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

    10Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

    11Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.

    12Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

    Hey, they are right, no mention of nine-year old girls in there anywhere. It's open season!

  18. onemoretime79

    McALESTER, Okla. (circa Nov 2010) — Kansas church members who travel the region to protest at military funerals have been given less than a rousing welcome at McAlester, Okla.

    The Tulsa World reports that a half-dozen protesters from Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan., showed up Saturday in McAlester at the funeral of Army Sgt. Jason James McCluskey. After coping with what police said was more than a thousand counterprotesters, the church members found their minivan had flat tires on both the front and rear wheels on the passenger side.

    ….Officers said the church members were unable to find anyone to fix the flats in McAlester, and had to call a flatbed service truck to transport the van to a Walmart several miles away.

    1. OneTrueLiberal

      Dear Onemoretime79:

      I could not agree more with your approval of the destruction of the personal property of those with whom we Wonketteers disagree. Particularly when that disagreement is over religious issues.

      Consistent with our shared views, I have persuaded Franklin, my husband, to issue an Executive Order under the National Reconstruction Act supporting educational courses on firebombing churches — particularly those in the Deep South. This part of the country still does not accept the mandates of history.

      Cordially,

      Eleanor

    2. HELisforHEL

      In my eyes, this redeems Oklahoma to some degree. That and the fact that some 'Wonketeers' reside there.

    3. Dr_pangloss

      Its getting to be like the Klan or the ASFC (Adolf Schiklegruber Fan Club) showing up with 6 dumbasses in a beater minivan and a thousand counter protestors showing up to shame them. Funny how that works. "You want attention? I got your attention right here!" Worthless sacks of human garbage.

  19. BarackMyWorld

    The Westboro Baptist Church is actually run by lawyers who make money by provoking people at funerals and then suing them for damages when they are inevitably assaulted by someone attending the funeral and collect fees under the Civil Rights Attorney's Fees Award Act when their protests are disrupted. The whole thing is a scam.

      1. emmelemm

        Ditto.

        I mean, their shit (like the above missive) has gone so far into satire and out the other side, it simply isn't credible. No one could actually believe that. However, people love money. That makes sense.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          First good excuse I've ever heard to wear a white hood (or black) when I feel like vandalizing some shithead's minivan. Where's my baseball bat? I've never allowed myself to be seduced by the dark side, but this could be cathartic.

          Perhaps I'll gain some insight about politics, and/or civil disobedience.

          1. deelzebub

            Rip the valve stems out of their tires with a pair of pliers. It's quieter than a baseball bat. plus, if you get caught, no one can accuse you of having a weapon.

          2. ttommyunger

            So what if their lawyers and them are fucking shot dead, how much do they make then? Just sayin'.

    1. SwanSwanH

      Interesting. Guessing they act as a tax-exempt organization; now we just need an enterprising Eliot Ness-type to figure out how to run 'em in on tax evasion.

    2. glamourdammerung

      It is not bad for a former lawyer (Phelps) who was removed from the bar for scamming clients.

  20. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    In a more serious vein, these vermin do not have to suffer a schoolbus crash or colon cancer or thunderbolts from Odin or ironic karma to get their due. They live it every moment. To be filled with poisonous rage like that is horribly caustic. Whatever multi-generational melodrama they are acting out with their protests and provocations may be repulsive to us, but to them, it's a gnawing compulsion that ravages them from within.

    Or so I hope. Poisonous rage seems to be somewhat contagious, I fear.

  21. SorosBot

    But seriously, to Fred Phelps and the rest of the Westboro Baptist Church (AKA his family, except for the ones who came to their senses and ran off, including one gay son): in the immortal words of someone who actually does exist: Even Jesus would never forgive what you do.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Dang, I tried to double-thumbs-up you for that one. Continuing in that vein:

      And I hope that you die
      And your death’ll come soon
      I will follow your casket
      In the pale afternoon
      And I’ll watch while you’re lowered
      Down to your deathbed
      And I’ll stand o’er your grave
      ’Til I’m sure that you’re dead

      Best.Song.Ever.

  22. LionelHutzEsq

    Lastly:

    37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

    38 This is the first and great commandment.

    39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

    40 But if you have a disagreement over orthodoxy, fuck'em; a 9mm is all the love they deserve

    1. HELisforHEL

      Really, why do such awful vile pieces of shit continue to live? WTF If there is a god, what a failed experiment we are.

    2. bitchincamaro2

      I wonder if Louis Theroux is Paul's son. Also, I'm convinced an orgasm or two would shake the crazy out of some of those grown women. Nothing forced, mind you.

    3. GOPCrusher

      A few months ago, Phelps and his Merry Band of Sociopaths were protesting a dead Marine's funeral. The father of the dead Marine got physical with them and Phelps wasted no time filing a lawsuit for violation of their First Amendment Rights.

  23. obfuscator2

    "that's how god the avenger rolls!"

    oh come on.

    my cup of iniquity is filled with vodka tonight.

    fuck everyone.

    1. straighteight

      The only way they could have topped that would have been to somehow insert the DEAL WITH IT gif incorporating God in there somewhere.

    2. JustPixelz

      "the blood of the child is on Giffords' hands"

      If true, Giffords is gonna get the needle — AZ has the death penalty for that kinda thing.

  24. JoshuaNorton

    I know I should be shocked, but they just sound like typical Fox-watching, Glenn Beck rah rah, republicans to me.

  25. facehead

    I blame Jon Stewart, what with his "Rally For Sanity" and all–This is just well-known libtard code for "wouldn't it be cool to create death panels and kill the crazies?" So of course the crazies gotta pre-emptively defend baby Jesus by killing everybody!

    Too late?

    1. JustPixelz

      At a moment — a watershed moment, I hope — when we question how rhetoric can cross over to violent action, these guys decide to go for broke.

  26. fuflans

    WHY can't these people get fonts right?

    WHY?

    i know this is shallow but after this weekend, westboro is comedy gold.

    1. predilectrix

      I tried not to be bothered, because the tragedy. But a block font that's used for Labor Day Mattress ads? Bold, italics, AND underline at the same time? For fuck's sake. Show some aesthetic mercy if you can't manage the normal human kind.

      1. HELisforHEL

        Creative minded folks are in short supply on that side of the fence. We get Sean Penn, they get Kirk Cameron. Just sayin'

        1. deelzebub

          I'm not sure getting Sean Penn is a plus in our column. He's kind of a humorless douchebag that lies about charity work.

        1. transfatz

          OK, OK, it's not original. It's from an ad in 1999 for font organizing software. I just couldn't help myself.

  27. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    You would think that someone in his organization — the person who makes the signs or hosts the website or the bank that processes his funds or the mechanic who maintains his car — would say no. No to this shithead. We will not do business with you. How the people in Topeka haven't run him out on a rail is beyond me.

    1. FlownOver

      People in Topeka are busy welcoming new Theocrat Goobernator Sam Brownback, Secretary of State Kris (immigration rainmaker & vote suppressor) Kobach and a whole legislature deep in the collective pocket of the Koch Brothers. You think YOU'VE got problems?

      Kansas – challenging Oklahoma, Texas and Arizona to a final four crazy-off.

  28. Radiotherapy

    You bleeding heart liberals just don't get it. It's One 9/11. The jews did One 9/11…after they killed jesus. Repent.

  29. chickensmack

    All Christians of the world:

    These people at Westboro are your responsibility. Do not shirk your responsibility by saying "They're executing free will." Do not "forget the misses" by saying "Look at all the good things we do, in spite of them."

    Westboro call themselves Christians. They're using your bible. They adhere to your doctrine. They're preaching for the same salvation as you.

    I didn't call them that. I call them horrible people. But they still say they're Christian.

    Fix this problem. Deal with them in that weird Christian language you use. They're defiling your religion. Or what's left of it.

    Warm regards,
    Atheists

    1. SorosBot

      Whenever a Muslim carries does or says something wrong, every single one of the billion non-evil Muslims is called on to denounce them; really, we should expect the same standard of Christians.

      1. DoktorZoom

        You know, I certainly have not heard any of these so-called "moderate Christians" voicing any disapproval of WBC today. Are these the sort of people we want to allow to build churches in our communities?

    2. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Problem is, we the semi-sane Christians are stuck with only the pray-y and love-y remedies that Jeebus espoused. And not the fun version, like praying that they be hit by a runaway cement mixer or loving them with the ordinance of your choice. More like the Golden Rule kind of praying that one day they will wake the hell up and realize the totally effed up errors of their ways.

      Yeah, some days I wonder what the hell my Imaginary Friend in the Sky is thinking, too.

      1. chickensmack

        I'll even backtrack for a moment, and be thankful that our gay friends are earning a reprieve from their exiles, thanks to dickheads like Westboro Baptist. Every day they yell "FAG" or have another sign that mocks homosexual behavior, it's another chink in the armor of hard-nosed conservative fucks that use gays as a punchline in closed company and private dinners. So there's that.

        Other than that, Christians oughta learn more nose-to-the-grindstone lessons like they teach in Amish country: The problems of one family are the problems of all families. I heart the Amish for this very reason.

    3. Neoyorquino

      We do call them on it. But people are too busy making sweeping generalizations about Christianity via media loudmouths, rather than getting to know individuals who might actually express and live out tolerance, charity and unconditional love (be they Christian or atheist) . Our doctrine? Hardly. They might just as easily call themselves poached eggs, for all it means – which is nothing. But I think we can both agree that they are horrible people.

    4. HELisforHEL

      So very well put. Thank goodness for this site–I would have lost what's left of my mind years ago without y'all.

    5. G. Friday

      I was moved by our (Catholic) church's petitions to pray for both the victims and the perpetrator's families this Sunday. Don't know whose idea that was, but I appreciated it.

    6. problemwithcaring

      I would agree with you that Christians have to loudly denounce the anti-women dogma, anti-gay hate speech, and the prostitution ministriesthat preverse the teachings of Jesus. But the Westboro Incest Family are just trolls. The more attention we give them, the stronger they become.

      We need "Dude you have no Old Testament" guy for these vile-ass attention whores.

  30. SorosBot

    Who is this "god the Avenger" they talk about anyway? The only gods in the Avengers have been Thor and Hercules, and neither one of them would ever kill a little girl; they won't even kill actual bad guys. In fact, the only Avenger who does kill is Wolverine, and he only kills the evil, mostly the cannon fodder henchmen, never the innocent; and he's a mutant, not a god.

    Oh wait, I forgot about Ares; yes, he is a god and a killer of the innocent. But then, he was a part of the the group of supervillains when the team was controlled by the Green Goblin, and doesn't really count as an Avenger.

      1. HELisforHEL

        I lurv lurv lurv Patrick Magee. His character made me perpetually love smart snarky gallant men. And Emma ruled. How could she not, with catsuits and a Lotus Elan?

    1. straighteight

      Hercules is only a demigod so that takes him out of the running. These people worship a non-canonical, false Thor!

  31. bumfug

    This is the kind of shit that makes me wish there was a god just so he could put fishhooks up these idiots' asses til the end of time.

  32. LetUsBray

    Where's an angry, torch-wielding mob willing to use its powers for good instead of evil when you need one?

  33. mrblifil

    I had a couple cups of iniquity tonight. Didn't do me any harm. Have any of these WBC types ever even met a nine-year old kid?

    BTW someone ask Ezra Klein why it is that crazy fucking cultists are never the targets of shooting spree by the poilitically unaffiliated "just plain crazy end of story" harmless spree shooters. For a politically abstinent group they sure seem to take out a lot of colorful, attractive, dedicated lefties. Must be coincidence.

    1. wondering where i am

      Mr. Blifil, I think I saw you over at dkos this weekend. Fess up. Or maybe it was a great pretender.

  34. Beattitudes

    Dear Batshyt Crazy Church People,

    Compliments on the kerosene drawers, very edgy look but it works well for you guys. Great ensemble for the trip to hell
    Please take eddie long and creflo dollar with you and be quick about it..

    That is all…

  35. comrad_darkness

    Oh verily if there were a God, there would be a well-timed lightning strike.
    Sadly, however . . .

  36. comrad_darkness

    Every religious leader who doesn't loudly denounce these clowns regularly, owns them. Same for every other vocal nutjob screwing over the country. You encourage the loons through silence, you own 'em.

    (Okay, Chickensmack beat me to it.)

    1. chickensmack

      Westboro Baptist Church are an indelible part of my country's fabric nowadays, and they are enabled by a doctrine that is either muddy water to thinking people, or fetid water that today's new "hands-off" christians don't like to soil themselves in. YET MAUNDY THURSDAY SAYS CHRISTIANS ARE COMPELLED TO CLEAN SOME FUCKING FEET.

      Or, we can cut to the chase, and quit bowing to things that don't exist. We can stop this foolish idolatory (from people who swear they're not idolators!) and start a whole new enlightenment.

      When we're no longer begging someone to explain disasters, and we finally learn the mechanics of disasters out of curiosity (instead of fear), we will see a second Enlightenment — one based on logic and reason, and of sound mind and body.

      Some of us don't have a Jesus in this fight, but the blood keeps spattering us. Please, Christians, stop the crazy.

  37. transfatz

    There is not enough wood in the world to crucify Jesus enough times to forgive his followers for what they do in his name.

  38. Negropolis

    Where is a tiny Octogenarian with glaucoma to drive/careen a 1953 Buick Roadmaster down the street they'll be picketing on when you need them?

          1. DoktorZoom

            I dunno, the Roadmaster is too funky/cool a car to spoil with bloodstains and dents (those are some awfully thick skulls, after all); maybe a '79 Continental? All the bulk, none of the classic.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I would have went with a DeSoto myself, but kudos, good sir/madam on your choice of automobile.

    2. haphazardmusings

      Plenty of those in Arizona, for sure. It's the time of year for all the snowbirds to get out in full force.

  39. Steverino247

    To quote the President: "Two words. Predator drone."

    Come on. We blow the shit out of Muslins driving vans in Pakistan so why can't we do the same to Christians driving vans in Kansas?

  40. DCHatesMe

    Picketting funerals almost sounds like they're against people dying. Hey, stop laying around dead. Who gave you the right to die? God hates goldbrickers.

  41. lumpenprole

    This is the least offensive thing I've read here in weeks. It's so utterly normal an event that it gives me hope that we can get through this horror.

  42. valgal2342

    I think there might be opportunity here. This trial is going to be a huge circus, WBC could easily be drowned out by so many other bat shit crazy things. This will become the reality show to beat all reality shows. I hope WBC gets out there and makes all kinds of ignorant noise and maybe, just maybe it will spur the final backlash on them and do them in for good. Don't ask me how, we'll have to leave that to Karma, God or whomever controls that shit. WBC will have some stiff competition from the Tea Baggers. As most of America will watch in horror and embarrassment maybe it will finally bring cathartic change for the better. Please forgive my optimism.

  43. Asa_Hawks

    Do these people actually want to convert anybody? When you make your religion sound a lot like living in fear of a control obsessed sociopath, I can't imagine the incentive for anyone to join.

  44. Terry

    Too bad that whole Old Testament bolt of lightning stuff doesn't seem to work in modern times. Westboro Baptist Church needs a good zapping.

  45. Serfville

    Garden Variety Teabaggery at this point. I hope the American people get this. The End Is Near, The End Is Near!….I'm talking about YOU Spree Party. Fucking mouthbreathing sideshow freaks.

    1. Ohmyhat

      I think that's a great idea, but I suspect that's already what they see when they look at the rest of America.

  46. skyweaver

    Have you ever seen any kind of coverage or documentary of these folks? It's like watching a horrific car wreck. Two teen girls were interviewed for the documentary I saw, and they were your typical fresh-faced kids that looked like they were on their way out the door for band practice. And then they opened their mouth and it was like the most appalling hate speech I've ever heard in my life.

  47. Ben_Fairbanks

    I want to see a gaggle of meth-addled hippies beat these fuckers into the dirt with their own goddamned signs. Fucking pricks.

  48. guangho

    Just keeping score, it'd seem god hates pretty much everybody which just means we can do whatever the fuck we want, including torching the wbc. Just sayin'. Cuz I'm a real theologian.

  49. weejee

    Here's hoping the FBI could justify keeping a black on black SUV parked in front of the residence of every member of Hillsboro 24/7 365. Any time their kids are in a play, ball game, whatever. Be there in force with obvs ear thingies, sun glasses, slightly less than concealed concealeds and taking lots of notes and photos.

  50. MarshallBanana

    Praising the death of a nine-year-old. Yeah, I know it's all a scam and they do it to sue and collect money… but they can't collect money if there's nobody left alive to collect it.

    Just saying.

    1. OneTrueLiberal

      Dear MarshallBanana:

      Thank you for your very amusing post. It reminded me and Franklin of the Moral Truth that, when one of we Liberals/Wonketteers threaten rape, murder or other violence, it is a droll bon mot that no reasonable person could possibly take seriously.

      In contrast to the equivalent comments made by our political opponents — which we all agree are provocative, inflammatory and otherwise dangerous.

      Cordially,

      Eleanor

  51. Pragmatist2

    Hey. here's an idea!
    Let's let Loughner go but release him right in front of the Westboro Baptist Church just as their services (orgy, satanic ritual, whatever) begin.
    Oh, yeah, and give him his gun back.

    1. Ohmyhat

      Get in line, and drink a lot while you wait. I want to see that casket bobbing and floating in a sea of urine.

      Then we sink that fucker and laugh while it goes under.

  52. BeWoot

    OK, that's it. I'm canceling my membership in Westboro Baptist Church. I've come to doubt their theological bona fides.

  53. notreelyhelping

    The fact that this sucker has to wake up every morning to be Fred Phelps might actually be evidence that God's justice exists and it has an evil sense of humor.

  54. Maman

    I see that these schmucks hate the Jews too. Ironic as they keep using the Jewish bible to justify their hate. I am pretty sure that Jesus was anti-shooter.

  55. JustPixelz

    But wait! There's more:
    GodHatesFags.com
    GodHatesTheMedia.com
    JewsKilledJesus.com
    and, in case they left anyone out:
    GodHatesTheWorld.com

  56. WhatTheHolyHeck

    Old Fred is really getting up in years and down in health. I confess I quite enjoy imagining the scene at his own funeral.

    And afterward. You have to know that desecrating his tomb will be a matter of deep competitiveness in creativity.

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        Pissing is for amateurs. Bring on the replacement monuments and fecal sculptures.

        A gay sex flash mob would just be gravy.

    1. Rotundo_

      Dig the old fart up and stick some 18 inch double header up his rear and place a sparkler in it for a photo opportunity. For as sick as Freddy and his merry band are, he should get ten times that in the after life.

  57. Tommmcatt

    Look, Riley, people in the media need to start taking a pledge simply not to report on these freaks anymore. It doesn't matter if they show up anywhere- it's not news, not anymore.

    This is one of those rare things that goes away if you ignore it. But we ALL have to ignore it (I'm looking at you , MSM).

    1. GOPCrusher

      They did this in Omaha, when they had the memorial service for the people killed in the mall shooting. It actually did work.

  58. Ansnarkist

    I really feel bad for almost everyone in Westboro Baptist Church with the exception of Fred Phelps. Here me out: Fred Phelps literally beat his religious beliefs into his children from the time they were born, and like most victims of abuse, his children were not able to escape. They have developed a sense of helplessness that makes them completely dependent on their cult leader father. They also feel the need to hurt people the way they were hurt. I realize that what his children (and now grandchildren) do is horrible and that some people do escape the cycle of abuse, but these case are all too rare.

    The grandchildren really need to be taken by the state. It's too late for the kids, but the grandkids may still have a chance.

    Check out this link about the Phelps: http://www.blank.org/addict/

    This is the most interesting/depressing thing I've ever read. Warning: it may make you hate humanity more than you already do.

  59. ttommyunger

    Pick one off at a time, from 500 yards, at each appearance. Gut-shot, so that there is a lot of screaming. This would be a good test of their faith. Also satisfying.

  60. grigoritheocto

    I'm actually a filthy, godless heathen/unbeliever, but has anyone else noticed that the first three digits in their zip code are "666." Just sayin'.

  61. jimtdavis

    This guy and his wife are cowards. They sent children to Father Judge in Philly instead of showing up themselves. Those kids should be in school. THEY ARE F'ing cowards!!!!!! A thousand people showed up to beat his ass, despite the large amount of cops and in the end they sent in 12 year told kids to do the job of an adult.

    Someone should do a story on how big of a coward this guy and his wife are. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS. COWARDS.

  62. jus_wonderin

    I have been out of the loop for a few days. All I can add is….fuck them. No really, fuck them hard. Fuck them as if they had an extra hole, like in their heads, and it needed filling.

    Sorry. You can ban me now.

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