Secret Best Friends Barack Obama and Ralph Fiennes Phone Transcript 05/19

 Wonkette is releasing its latest government leak, an official White House transcript of a phone conversation between President Barack Obama and the actor Ralph Fiennes that took place in the Oval Office beginning at 9: 36 pm on May 19, 2010. The subject of the call: saving the world. 

BARACK OBAMA: Hello, Washington Backyard Organic Gardens Service. People will make you feel like fertilizer until you’re shamed into getting a backyard organic garden!

RALPH FIENNES: [ Chuckles cooly ] Good day, Barack, sounds like you’ve got a new deceptive secret-phone greeting. I suppose “Hello, you’ve reached the Off-White House” wasn’t working for you?

BO: [ Chuckles inspiringly ] C’mon Ralph, it was better than that.

RF: I don’t know, Barack, it was pretty bad. I don’t think you were fooling anyone.

BO: I sped up my cadence and lowered the gravitas a few notches. No way anyone could tell it was me.

RF: [ Calmly, yet firmly ] Ba-RAAAA-aaaaack…

BO: Alright, Ralph, you may have a point. After all, I am able to understand your feelings and imagine myself in your position, even though I, in the end, respectfully take another view.

RF: That’s what you do best, my friend.

BO: [ With measured strength ] That’s what I do best, your secret friend.

RF: [ Resolutely ] Yes, of course, my secret friend.

BO: We must never forget that, Ralph. Our friendship may prove to be the most important partnership in the course of human history, but we bear a burden to never reveal it.

RF: [ With the strength of a mother lifting a Mercury Grand Marquis off her toddler ] We must sacrifice. We must not waver.

BO: [ Wisely ] It is a secret friendship that could only be thought of by the nation's best young political blogger, a man nevertheless nobody would ever listen to when he got a hunch that Barack Obama and Ralph Fiennes seem like two cool guys who would probably be friends if they knew each other and, you know what, probably are friends in real life, but are so cool and collected that it’s a secret.

And we must keep it that way.

RF: [ As if wearing sunglasses, but even cooler ] Of course, Barack.

BO: [ Serious, but still really, really cool ] Now Ralph, as much as I enjoy restrained yet fulfilling small talk and being reminded of the unwavering fidelity of my best, most-secret friend, I am a man who must humbly and steadfastly face a number of difficult challenges in front of me, and thus in the interest of time, I ask you to empathize with me and tell me why you have called.

RF: [ With perfectly calibrated humanity and purpose ] I understand where you are coming from, Barack, and will certainly oblige. You see, the problem is with the health care.

BO: [ Taking a drag from a cigarette as if it were possible to look cooler ] With the health care? But unless I am wrong, in which case I accept full responsibility and shall show you all necessary deference, I believe I sent you on a top-secret mission to disable the entire world’s nuclear weapons without anyone finding out and without affecting peaceful nuclear power, which is and must be a part of the alternative energy solution.  We already did the health care.

RF: [ A strand of his hair falls out of place, making him slightly less handsome, but he does not notice it. ] I know, Barack. The secret plan to bring the entire world universal health care coverage at no cost to individuals, businesses, governments, or our globe’s hard-working doctors was a success. You spent four secret months secretly traveling the planet implementing the program with your Nobel Prize-winning results-driven empathy while I spent four secret months secretly living in the White House and covertly pretending to be you with my Academy Award-winning able-to-become-more-human-than-most-humans acting skills. However, after decommissioning a reactor in North Korea, I tripped as I was running stealthily through a nearby village, and I’m afraid some nuclear material fell out of the container and landed on the leg of a small girl.

BO: [ Unnerved and handsome, his eyes lower with quiet, handsome empathy. ] Dear God.

RF: [ Aware that more than one woman in the world is currently masturbating to the thought of him, yet humble and attentive ] I have let you down, Barack, and for that I am sorry. I want nothing less than to support our staunch friendship and common purpose in everything I do.

BO: [ With gravitas and the personal strength to say words like “Nazi” and “Voldemort” without quivering ] You can play evil characters like Nazis and Voldemort, Ralph, only because you are wise enough to know that evil exists in all of us and wiser still to be able to isolate it and make it your secret life’s mission to rid the world of it.

RF: [ Still handsome ] Thank you, Barack.

BO: [ Untarnished by fame and power ] As we are both surely aware, considering our intellect, the health care does not cover nuclear accidents because the plan was to rid the world of nuclear weapons and make sure all peaceful energy-producing reactors are safe right after we did the health care.

RF: [ Omniscientesque ] Despite all the advanced medical technology that suddenly showed up at the village clinic a few weeks ago and the specialized training the medic received from a mysterious yet charming and inspiring figure, the child cannot be treated here.

BO: [ His upper lift stiffens with a force that would break an average man’s jaw. ] It pains me to delay the execution of our master plan, but we must save the girl.

RF: [ Still failing to notice the strand of hair ] If it weren’t for the nuclear accident, the health care would ensure the child never dies, as it will for all mankind. But a mistake has been made.

BOTH: And we must accept responsibility.

BO: [ A drop of sweat appears on his brow, but he cognizantly excreted it in expectation of the need to cool his body temperature in the heat of the situation. ] I have some empathy crystals I had been saving up to send into the atmosphere to reverse global warming. I will ready the secret space shuttle, blast off, and eject at the precise moment to land in the Taedong River. I will meet you at the clinic in 15 minutes. It will take all of the crystals I have, but if we rub them on her leg, the raw empathy should have a chemical reaction with the inconsiderate, unsanctioned nuclear material, and the girl will recover.

RF: [ Fortitudexpotentially ] It pains me that our ultimate secret plan to rid the world of evil and engender a state of perfect humanity where all beings can freely enjoy a friendship perfectly suited to one’s self, as ours is, has been set back. But I have full confidence that we are doing the right thing and with hard work will see the plan come to fruition.

BO: [ Winning 37 electoral votes somewhere ] Cynicism is corrosive and a pragmatic vision is the path to success.

RF: [ Upsetting the laws of the universe by simultaneously being as cool as if he were riding a jet ski and effusing a personal warmth of 452 Kelvins ] Your word is as good as deed, and so I know that I can depend on you being here in exactly the duration of time you allotted yourself. My soothing British accent and steady stream of uncorrupted empathy should be enough to keep the child alive until you arrive.

BO: [ Jesusly ] And I know I can trust that you will do just that. See you soon.

RF:  Secret best friends forever, Barack.

BO:  Secret best friends forever, Ralph. By the way, go ahead and kill me if I ever give rich people tax cuts.

RF: Gotcha.