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TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now

Ah, nothing wrong with her a hundred dollars couldn't fix ....You know how you know when a constant terror threat level alert is working? When people actually go so crazy that they start sending packages that “ignite and smoke” to the head of the Homeland Security Safety Mall Corporation. This is really going on! People in Maryland are sending smoke bombs addressed to Janet Napolitano because of those highway signs that tell drivers to report anybody doing anything suspicious, such as not eating sixteen tacos while driving to another fast food franchise.

Do you need to catch up with the Terror Updates? Click here and then here and then here and then probably not here and etc.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • DoktorZoom

    Signs and Portents, my friends. Signs and Portents.

  • BeWoot

    I fear a rain of frogs. Will we even make it to May 21?

  • chascates

    The bombs don't explode so they must be made in America. Probably in the South or Rust Belt.

    • Beowoof

      I'd say the South there is still some education going on in the north.

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      Or they are smart bombs and they are against self-exploitation.

    • Bluestatelibel

      Good point, redneck terrorist wasn't able to read the book on bomb-making he got out of the library, thus big bomb fail.

      • Negropolis

        When you see how many unsuccessful meth labs there are in the South, this shouldn't come as a surprise.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey, you know what's great? Nobody assumed it was a Muslim.

    • undeterredbyreality

      Because it didn't explode.

    • Swampgas_Man

      NO MORE IMPORTS! Cheers to the rise of a great new American industry! Now if we could just make bombs that actually work. . . .

  • facehead

    Ken, it must be difficult for a robot to get a news anchor job nowadays, what with all the discrimination, and though it was mighty decent of you to hire the washed up one from Short Circuit, I would have gone with Steve Guttenberg, who is hairier but certainly cheaper.

  • Negropolis

    Oh, the ladybot doth protest too much, methinks.

    Don't worry your head; we know that while you are completely and utterly capable of these things, that you did not do this particular thing.

    That said, fear Wonkbot. Don't make her have to cut a bitch, 'cause she will.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I've noticed some suspicious activity recently. You know that Geico commercial where the gecko and the boss are in the hotel lobby and a blonde accosts the gecko and yells at him and calls him Stanley, and then the gecko says "I'm not Stanley" and the lady stammers an apology and hurries off, and then the gecko says "Wouldn't want to be Stanley?"

    Well wait a minute. Why the hell wouldn't he want to be Stanley? The chick was a little crazy, but she was hot. You know who I wouldn't want to be? Some chick who fucked a gecko.

    Anyway, I found that suspicous and thought I should report it.

    • Negropolis

      Well wait a minute. Why the hell wouldn't he want to be Stanley? The chick was a little crazy, but she was hot. You know who I wouldn't want to be? Some chick who fucked a gecko.

      ROTFLMPO (Rolling on the floor laughing my penis off)!

      It's funny 'cause it's sad and true. Women always have it worse. I mean, a dude could be shtupping a donkey, and when everyone found out they'd be whispering "slut" and "whore" just out of earshot of said donkey, while passively-aggressively shaming her from their social circle.

      • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

        A Frenchman and a donkey were put on trial for bestiality in 1750. Citizens of Vanvres signed a petition stating that they'd known the "she-ass for four years, and that she had always shown herself to be virtuous and well-behaved both at home and abroad and had never given occasion of scandal to anyone…. they are willing to bear witness that she is in word and deed and in all habits of life a most honest creature."
        And the man was found guilty, but I hear the donkey was ruled "under age" and sentenced to live out her days in a convent.

    • BeWoot

      FTW

    • DashboardBuddha

      She just heard that adorable geckos immunize a person against the crazies. You know know the old saying? "Once you've had gecko, you never go Beck-o"

    • neiltheblaze

      Rick Santorum surely doesn't approve.

      • PsycWench

        His quote about "man on dog" suggests he is only opposed to bestiality involving male humans. He might have a whole collection of girl-on-gecko porn for all we know.

        • neiltheblaze

          He may also have a deep-seated canine phobia we hadn't considered. He seems a bit Pro-Reptilian.

          • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

            A Frenchman and a donkey were put on trial for bestiality in 1750. Citizens of Vanvres signed a petition stating that they'd known the "she-ass for four years, and that she had always shown herself to be virtuous and well-behaved both at home and abroad and had never given occasion of scandal to anyone…. they are willing to bear witness that she is in word and deed and in all habits of life a most honest creature."
            And the man was found guilty, but I hear the donkey was ruled "under age" and sentenced to live out her days in a convent.

  • JoshuaNorton

    The level in the House will be bright orange for at least the next 2 years.

    Better go warn the villagers.

    • bflrtsplk

      Boner's so bri-i-i-i-ght, I gotta wear sha-a-a-a-des.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I think Tom Petty would make an excellent POTUS. He won't back down. Plus he'd probably legalize MaryJane. I'm gonna write his name on my ballot next election and see if the machine explodes. That would be so cool.

    The good thing about eating a taco while driving: most of it ends up in your crotchy area instead your mouth, so it's really a diet food that way.

    Thanks for the update Wonkbot. I feel so much safer knowing that you are doing what you're doing.

    • Negropolis

      Is "eating a taco whilst driving" some kind of sexy-time euphemism? 'Cause I've heard it's dangerous.

      • OkieDokieDog

        Well it could be for some people. Unfortunately in my case it just means I have to hurry and change before the dogs sniff my crotchy area.

      • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

        Luckily, "eating a taco" and "driving" are both euphemisms.

      • PsycWench

        I was under the impression that it is customary to "eat the taco" prior to the "driving". Correct me if I'm wrong.

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          There are no hard and fast rules, really it's all a matter of personal preference.

        • jim89048

          In some states, it's legal if it's "hands-free".

          • Negropolis

            Hey-Yo!

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      He could live in Reseda.

      • http://www.wonkette.com manythousands

        Sooner or later, we are all going to Reseda.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Shit, people can't even afford good mail bombs anymore.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Are we safe yet?

    • Negropolis

      You are never safe. So long as there is breath in your lungs, there will be a threat everywhere at all time. You will be scared near-shitless and perpetually off balance, and you will like it. You will ask, nay, you will beg and plead for more security, and you will be temporarily sated until the next threat comes. And, oh does it come! Woe be on the man or woman who sees that the sky isn't really falling.

      Be afraid; be very, very afriad. Outside your door as we speak are women, and blacks, and Mexicans, and Muslims (oh my!), and Jews, and gays and all sorts of denegerate creatures living their lives, laughing, smiling, crying, but plotting, yea, always plotting, against you — you beautiful REAL America, you — and the precious (i.e. your property, your material possessions).

      This shining city on a hill has never been anything other than under siege, and we've always been at war with Iraq/Afghanistan/(fill in the blank).

      • Neilist

        "Outside your door as we speak are women, and blacks, and Mexicans, and Muslims (oh my!), and Jews, and gays and all sorts of denegerate creatures living their lives, laughing, smiling, crying, but plotting, yea, always plotting, against you"

        Sounds like "Martin Luther King Boulevard" in Detroit . . . Chicago . . . Oakland . . . .Newark . . . Trenton . . . Los Angeles . . .Harlem . . . .

        Have you considered moving?

      • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

        Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to Republican voting, and Beck viewing, and gold buying, and backpacks full of canned food….

      • bitchincamaro2

        Zombie Reagan is outside of America's door also. Scratch that. He's in the mudroom!

        • Negropolis

          Reagan smash! Brains! Brains! Reagan want BRAINS!

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Well, time to go back to bed.

  • DCHatesMe

    Probably disgruntled, say experts. Narrows it down. Notes were signed with an "X". So sue me.

    • OkieDokieDog

      Are you a gummint employee whistle blower? They're always described as "disgruntled".

      • Negropolis

        So true. I've never really thought of it, but now that you speak of it a private sector employee is always describe as angry or having an open or known beef. Public employees are always disgruntled, you know, cold, calculating bitches that having been plotting your death since they were hired in, maybe even since you and they were born.

        Private sector worker's will shoot you in the face. Public employees are portrayed as someone that would poison your coffee or smother a napping colleague in the break-room.

        • Swampgas_Man

          One longs for the days when "disgruntled" meant you were served soup instead of salad, or your Sports Franchise wasn't playing well.

          • HempDogbane

            It's not that the Gruntled Americans never cause trouble. They're just sneakier.

  • PresBeeblebrox

    Lo, the end is nigh.

    Reading this map will either send you to your local Gun Store to load up on firearms and survival supplies in preparation for a The Road-style apocalypse, or turn you into a babbling lunatic ready for 5/21/11.

    500 doves…starfish and jellyfish…hundreds of snapper…"scores of fish"…thousands of fish…tens of thousands of fish…150 tons of red tilapia… it's colony collapse disorder, except the whole ecosystem is collapsing, not just honeybees.

    What would Reagan do?

    • Negropolis

      Not sure what Reagan would do, but I know Glenn Beck would have you buy gold, water, and food rations.

      • Beanball

        Don't really care much what Reagan would do, seeing as he's dead and all, but if I were Prez. Beeble, I'd check my no doubt eaten-by-Intenze-Deebate hyperlinks.

        • PresBeeblebrox

          Crap, the link was eaten..that's OK because the map was just too depressing. I think I'll just go sign up for a couple of sessions with Mr. Fit, who has reappeared in the ads just now…

      • realmurkin

        Haha. Fucking Glenn Beck. A lot of good gold will do in a post-apocalyptic nightmare hellscape. Please don't eat me, hillbilly cannibals, here is some gold bullion to eat instead. Bullion=soup, right? GOLDSTANDARDAYNRANDFTW!!!11!1!!1!1!!!!!!!!!!

        • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

          Gold will make excellent musket balls.

          • DashboardBuddha

            Not dense enough…and I think Neilist will agree. Melt the lead into ammo, but save the gold to make decorative items that will mollify our Hillbilly Cannibal Overlords.

          • Silversmith

            Gold is actually denser than lead. I see no reason why a gold bullet wouldn't be a suitable, if expensive choice. I will, however, defer to Neilist's opinion on this matter.

          • DashboardBuddha

            My bad…you are correct of course. I still think it better to hold the gold for making pretty things for the Hillbilly Cannibal Overlords.

      • neiltheblaze

        In exactly that order.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Take a nap.

    • Rotundo_

      He would smile like the amiable idiot he was and read the lines given him by his handlers and make the righties feel all warm and cozy. Probably some joke about "At least it isn't raining hens." or some other folksy dumbass quote. Currently he would lie in repose at ambient temperature approximately six feet below the surface of California, reeking of embalming fluid. Not a whole lot of difference.

    • PuckStopsHere

      What would Reagan do? He'd ask mommy what to do, natch. Old-time mother fucker. I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad he got dementia first. I'm glad he's in Hell. Fist me. Fist me hard. (My local Sports Franchise is not playing well.)

  • Radiotherapy

    The Wonkbot TSA-1138 Terror Threat Alert is the "greatest cyborg information system in the world." Again, pointing out the failed socialist systems of Europe and Canada.

    • PresBeeblebrox

      European terror alert bot algorithms are programmed to use Sharia law. Canadian bots… well, things are pretty quiet in Canada City. WHY IS THAT, HENNNGH?

  • Beanball

    ♫♫ I don't care if it rains or freezes
    Long as I got my plastic Jesus
    Strapped to the dashboard of my car. ♫ ♫

  • Neilist

    I'm pretty sure this was NOT what Alan Mathison Turing had in mind.

    But then, he was a homo, so maybe it was.

    HAL, what do you think?

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't touch you there."

  • bumfug

    The guy that owned that Hitler-mocking dog was a fucking Borg, that's what I think. And don't just take my word for it, it's his fucking name, damn it! Do you think this is just some goddam COINCIDENCE?

  • shirleyplz

    I will be your new gay-robot girlfriend TSA-1138, you deserve better than a roomba.
    Reconditoned security robots become paranoid, not angry. Try a new voice or accent, Italian or Icelandic are good for paranoia and will make you sexier.

  • Come here a minute

    Somebody is mad about terror warning alert electronic (robot) highway signs. What other terror alert devices will piss them off? WATCH YOUR BACK, Wonkbot! That package in the mailbox might not really be the Roomba sex DVD you ordered from Amazon.

  • salt_bagel

    Bombs need jobs, too, also.

    • Swampgas_Man

      And little old German bomb-makers.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Passive aggressive disgruntled sexbot is passive and aggressive. And disgruntled, also.
    ~

  • PublicLuxury

    TSA-1138 Robot puts things in its ass. The Robot is really Ted Haggard! Locusts! Watch out for the Locusts and teh gay! Ted Haggard and Locusts will make you teh gay!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    The bomber was probably driven crazy by the idea that he/she will never get back the time spent reading the Stieg Larsson novels.

  • el_donaldo

    When you first meet them, they always claim to be harmless sex robots. But then the truth comes out.

  • bitchincamaro2

    This is why you shouldn't use Hotmail.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Ken have you thought of upgrading yer level headed Terror Bot to 16 bit?

  • Terry

    I'm totally burned out on color coded warnings. Unless something is happening right now, I'm going about my life.

    Yours truly,

    Tired DC area resident

  • JackObin

    What ever happened to just placing candles in windows to alert panicked citizens? One candle if Fox News is on cable, two if by sattelite.

  • neiltheblaze

    The Terror Bot is now more awesome than the Blingee. There. I said it.

  • ttommyunger

    I am withholding judgement until I hear what Rick Sanchez's kid has to say on the matter of Homeland Security.

  • rocktonsam

    I knew we were trouble when $arah Palin mentioned on her teevee documentary that she felt like she was on an African safari , while in Alaska. My head still hurts. Take us now Lord.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Right, there are so many black people in Alaska, it's easy to get confused.

  • edywin2

    If that thing tells me to turn left and recalculates my route, I'm calling the FBI!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    And don't forget 16 tacos is like 200 tacos in Metric, right?

  • ExecutorElassus

    The Terror-bot wins eleventy internets for the obscure Twin Peaks reference in the screen crawl. Please Terror-bot , will you be my robot girlfriend now?

    so ronery

  • natoslug

    Terry Allen Lester was dating Janet Napolitano?

    And completely off-topic, but mullets should be a hanging offense.