TGIF TSA-1138  11:47 pm January 7, 2011

TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now

by Ken Layne

Ah, nothing wrong with her a hundred dollars couldn't fix ....You know how you know when a constant terror threat level alert is working? When people actually go so crazy that they start sending packages that “ignite and smoke” to the head of the Homeland Security Safety Mall Corporation. This is really going on! People in Maryland are sending smoke bombs addressed to Janet Napolitano because of those highway signs that tell drivers to report anybody doing anything suspicious, such as not eating sixteen tacos while driving to another fast food franchise.

Do you need to catch up with the Terror Updates? Click here and then here and then here and then probably not here and etc.

 
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{ 87 comments }

DoktorZoom January 8, 2011 at 12:21 am

Signs and Portents, my friends. Signs and Portents.

BeWoot January 8, 2011 at 12:23 am

I fear a rain of frogs. Will we even make it to May 21?

BTWBFDIMHO January 8, 2011 at 2:10 am
PsycWench January 8, 2011 at 11:15 am

What about the reign of frogs…cold-blooded, slimy, killers of the innocent?

chascates January 8, 2011 at 12:33 am

The bombs don't explode so they must be made in America. Probably in the South or Rust Belt.

Beowoof January 8, 2011 at 12:57 am

I'd say the South there is still some education going on in the north.

BTWBFDIMHO January 8, 2011 at 2:11 am

Or they are smart bombs and they are against self-exploitation.

Bluestatelibel January 8, 2011 at 9:19 am

Good point, redneck terrorist wasn't able to read the book on bomb-making he got out of the library, thus big bomb fail.

Negropolis January 8, 2011 at 5:55 pm

When you see how many unsuccessful meth labs there are in the South, this shouldn't come as a surprise.

SayItWithWookies January 8, 2011 at 12:39 am

Hey, you know what's great? Nobody assumed it was a Muslim.

undeterredbyreality January 8, 2011 at 1:34 am

Because it didn't explode.

Swampgas_Man January 8, 2011 at 10:01 am

NO MORE IMPORTS! Cheers to the rise of a great new American industry! Now if we could just make bombs that actually work. . . .

facehead January 8, 2011 at 12:40 am

Ken, it must be difficult for a robot to get a news anchor job nowadays, what with all the discrimination, and though it was mighty decent of you to hire the washed up one from Short Circuit, I would have gone with Steve Guttenberg, who is hairier but certainly cheaper.

Negropolis January 8, 2011 at 12:40 am

Oh, the ladybot doth protest too much, methinks.

Don't worry your head; we know that while you are completely and utterly capable of these things, that you did not do this particular thing.

That said, fear Wonkbot. Don't make her have to cut a bitch, 'cause she will.

SayItWithWookies January 8, 2011 at 12:52 am

I've noticed some suspicious activity recently. You know that Geico commercial where the gecko and the boss are in the hotel lobby and a blonde accosts the gecko and yells at him and calls him Stanley, and then the gecko says "I'm not Stanley" and the lady stammers an apology and hurries off, and then the gecko says "Wouldn't want to be Stanley?"

Well wait a minute. Why the hell wouldn't he want to be Stanley? The chick was a little crazy, but she was hot. You know who I wouldn't want to be? Some chick who fucked a gecko.

Anyway, I found that suspicous and thought I should report it.

Negropolis January 8, 2011 at 1:11 am

Well wait a minute. Why the hell wouldn't he want to be Stanley? The chick was a little crazy, but she was hot. You know who I wouldn't want to be? Some chick who fucked a gecko.

ROTFLMPO (Rolling on the floor laughing my penis off)!

It's funny 'cause it's sad and true. Women always have it worse. I mean, a dude could be shtupping a donkey, and when everyone found out they'd be whispering "slut" and "whore" just out of earshot of said donkey, while passively-aggressively shaming her from their social circle.

Angry_Marmot January 8, 2011 at 5:33 pm

A Frenchman and a donkey were put on trial for bestiality in 1750. Citizens of Vanvres signed a petition stating that they'd known the "she-ass for four years, and that she had always shown herself to be virtuous and well-behaved both at home and abroad and had never given occasion of scandal to anyone…. they are willing to bear witness that she is in word and deed and in all habits of life a most honest creature."
And the man was found guilty, but I hear the donkey was ruled "under age" and sentenced to live out her days in a convent.

BeWoot January 8, 2011 at 1:19 am

FTW

DashboardBuddha January 8, 2011 at 7:03 am

She just heard that adorable geckos immunize a person against the crazies. You know know the old saying? "Once you've had gecko, you never go Beck-o"

neiltheblaze January 8, 2011 at 10:51 am

Rick Santorum surely doesn't approve.

PsycWench January 8, 2011 at 11:19 am

His quote about "man on dog" suggests he is only opposed to bestiality involving male humans. He might have a whole collection of girl-on-gecko porn for all we know.

neiltheblaze January 8, 2011 at 11:41 am

He may also have a deep-seated canine phobia we hadn't considered. He seems a bit Pro-Reptilian.

Angry_Marmot January 8, 2011 at 5:30 pm

A Frenchman and a donkey were put on trial for bestiality in 1750. Citizens of Vanvres signed a petition stating that they'd known the "she-ass for four years, and that she had always shown herself to be virtuous and well-behaved both at home and abroad and had never given occasion of scandal to anyone…. they are willing to bear witness that she is in word and deed and in all habits of life a most honest creature."
And the man was found guilty, but I hear the donkey was ruled "under age" and sentenced to live out her days in a convent.

JoshuaNorton January 8, 2011 at 1:13 am

The level in the House will be bright orange for at least the next 2 years.

Better go warn the villagers.

bflrtsplk January 8, 2011 at 9:46 am

Boner's so bri-i-i-i-ght, I gotta wear sha-a-a-a-des.

OkieDokieDog January 8, 2011 at 1:28 am

I think Tom Petty would make an excellent POTUS. He won't back down. Plus he'd probably legalize MaryJane. I'm gonna write his name on my ballot next election and see if the machine explodes. That would be so cool.

The good thing about eating a taco while driving: most of it ends up in your crotchy area instead your mouth, so it's really a diet food that way.

Thanks for the update Wonkbot. I feel so much safer knowing that you are doing what you're doing.

Negropolis January 8, 2011 at 1:41 am

Is "eating a taco whilst driving" some kind of sexy-time euphemism? 'Cause I've heard it's dangerous.

OkieDokieDog January 8, 2011 at 2:17 am

Well it could be for some people. Unfortunately in my case it just means I have to hurry and change before the dogs sniff my crotchy area.

WABishop January 8, 2011 at 8:24 am

Luckily, "eating a taco" and "driving" are both euphemisms.

PsycWench January 8, 2011 at 11:21 am

I was under the impression that it is customary to "eat the taco" prior to the "driving". Correct me if I'm wrong.

trampndirtdown January 8, 2011 at 11:27 am

There are no hard and fast rules, really it's all a matter of personal preference.

jim89048 January 8, 2011 at 12:48 pm

In some states, it's legal if it's "hands-free".

Negropolis January 8, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Hey-Yo!

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 8, 2011 at 1:49 am

He could live in Reseda.

manythousands January 8, 2011 at 8:23 am

Sooner or later, we are all going to Reseda.

smokefilledroommate January 8, 2011 at 1:37 am

Shit, people can't even afford good mail bombs anymore.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 8, 2011 at 1:52 am

Are we safe yet?

Negropolis January 8, 2011 at 2:05 am

You are never safe. So long as there is breath in your lungs, there will be a threat everywhere at all time. You will be scared near-shitless and perpetually off balance, and you will like it. You will ask, nay, you will beg and plead for more security, and you will be temporarily sated until the next threat comes. And, oh does it come! Woe be on the man or woman who sees that the sky isn't really falling.

Be afraid; be very, very afriad. Outside your door as we speak are women, and blacks, and Mexicans, and Muslims (oh my!), and Jews, and gays and all sorts of denegerate creatures living their lives, laughing, smiling, crying, but plotting, yea, always plotting, against you — you beautiful REAL America, you — and the precious (i.e. your property, your material possessions).

This shining city on a hill has never been anything other than under siege, and we've always been at war with Iraq/Afghanistan/(fill in the blank).

Neilist January 8, 2011 at 4:46 am

"Outside your door as we speak are women, and blacks, and Mexicans, and Muslims (oh my!), and Jews, and gays and all sorts of denegerate creatures living their lives, laughing, smiling, crying, but plotting, yea, always plotting, against you"

Sounds like "Martin Luther King Boulevard" in Detroit . . . Chicago . . . Oakland . . . .Newark . . . Trenton . . . Los Angeles . . .Harlem . . . .

Have you considered moving?

WABishop January 8, 2011 at 8:30 am

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to Republican voting, and Beck viewing, and gold buying, and backpacks full of canned food….

bitchincamaro2 January 8, 2011 at 10:08 am

Zombie Reagan is outside of America's door also. Scratch that. He's in the mudroom!

Negropolis January 8, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Reagan smash! Brains! Brains! Reagan want BRAINS!

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 8, 2011 at 10:59 am

Well, time to go back to bed.

DCHatesMe January 8, 2011 at 2:05 am

Probably disgruntled, say experts. Narrows it down. Notes were signed with an "X". So sue me.

OkieDokieDog January 8, 2011 at 2:12 am

Are you a gummint employee whistle blower? They're always described as "disgruntled".

Negropolis January 8, 2011 at 2:16 am

So true. I've never really thought of it, but now that you speak of it a private sector employee is always describe as angry or having an open or known beef. Public employees are always disgruntled, you know, cold, calculating bitches that having been plotting your death since they were hired in, maybe even since you and they were born.

Private sector worker's will shoot you in the face. Public employees are portrayed as someone that would poison your coffee or smother a napping colleague in the break-room.

Swampgas_Man January 8, 2011 at 10:05 am

One longs for the days when "disgruntled" meant you were served soup instead of salad, or your Sports Franchise wasn't playing well.

HempDogbane January 8, 2011 at 10:42 am

It's not that the Gruntled Americans never cause trouble. They're just sneakier.

PresBeeblebrox January 8, 2011 at 2:48 am

Lo, the end is nigh.

Reading this map will either send you to your local Gun Store to load up on firearms and survival supplies in preparation for a The Road-style apocalypse, or turn you into a babbling lunatic ready for 5/21/11.

500 doves…starfish and jellyfish…hundreds of snapper…"scores of fish"…thousands of fish…tens of thousands of fish…150 tons of red tilapia… it's colony collapse disorder, except the whole ecosystem is collapsing, not just honeybees.

What would Reagan do?

Negropolis January 8, 2011 at 2:55 am

Not sure what Reagan would do, but I know Glenn Beck would have you buy gold, water, and food rations.

Beanball January 8, 2011 at 3:09 am

Don't really care much what Reagan would do, seeing as he's dead and all, but if I were Prez. Beeble, I'd check my no doubt eaten-by-Intenze-Deebate hyperlinks.

PresBeeblebrox January 8, 2011 at 10:12 am

Crap, the link was eaten..that's OK because the map was just too depressing. I think I'll just go sign up for a couple of sessions with Mr. Fit, who has reappeared in the ads just now…

realmurkin January 8, 2011 at 3:18 am

Haha. Fucking Glenn Beck. A lot of good gold will do in a post-apocalyptic nightmare hellscape. Please don't eat me, hillbilly cannibals, here is some gold bullion to eat instead. Bullion=soup, right? GOLDSTANDARDAYNRANDFTW!!!11!1!!1!1!!!!!!!!!!

WABishop January 8, 2011 at 8:33 am

Gold will make excellent musket balls.

DashboardBuddha January 8, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Not dense enough…and I think Neilist will agree. Melt the lead into ammo, but save the gold to make decorative items that will mollify our Hillbilly Cannibal Overlords.

neiltheblaze January 8, 2011 at 11:05 am

In exactly that order.

ShaveTheWhales January 8, 2011 at 4:33 am

Take a nap.

Rotundo_ January 8, 2011 at 12:15 pm

He would smile like the amiable idiot he was and read the lines given him by his handlers and make the righties feel all warm and cozy. Probably some joke about "At least it isn't raining hens." or some other folksy dumbass quote. Currently he would lie in repose at ambient temperature approximately six feet below the surface of California, reeking of embalming fluid. Not a whole lot of difference.

PuckStopsHere January 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

What would Reagan do? He'd ask mommy what to do, natch. Old-time mother fucker. I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad he got dementia first. I'm glad he's in Hell. Fist me. Fist me hard. (My local Sports Franchise is not playing well.)

Radiotherapy January 8, 2011 at 2:50 am

The Wonkbot TSA-1138 Terror Threat Alert is the "greatest cyborg information system in the world." Again, pointing out the failed socialist systems of Europe and Canada.

PresBeeblebrox January 8, 2011 at 10:15 am

European terror alert bot algorithms are programmed to use Sharia law. Canadian bots… well, things are pretty quiet in Canada City. WHY IS THAT, HENNNGH?

Beanball January 8, 2011 at 3:14 am

♫♫ I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Strapped to the dashboard of my car. ♫ ♫

Neilist January 8, 2011 at 4:41 am

I'm pretty sure this was NOT what Alan Mathison Turing had in mind.

But then, he was a homo, so maybe it was.

HAL, what do you think?

WABishop January 8, 2011 at 8:34 am

"I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't touch you there."

bumfug January 8, 2011 at 5:26 am

The guy that owned that Hitler-mocking dog was a fucking Borg, that's what I think. And don't just take my word for it, it's his fucking name, damn it! Do you think this is just some goddam COINCIDENCE?

shirleyplz January 8, 2011 at 7:18 am

I will be your new gay-robot girlfriend TSA-1138, you deserve better than a roomba.
Reconditoned security robots become paranoid, not angry. Try a new voice or accent, Italian or Icelandic are good for paranoia and will make you sexier.

Come here a minute January 8, 2011 at 7:26 am

Somebody is mad about terror warning alert electronic (robot) highway signs. What other terror alert devices will piss them off? WATCH YOUR BACK, Wonkbot! That package in the mailbox might not really be the Roomba sex DVD you ordered from Amazon.

salt_bagel January 8, 2011 at 8:10 am

Bombs need jobs, too, also.

Swampgas_Man January 8, 2011 at 10:07 am

And little old German bomb-makers.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 8, 2011 at 8:48 am

Passive aggressive disgruntled sexbot is passive and aggressive. And disgruntled, also.
~

PublicLuxury January 8, 2011 at 9:13 am

TSA-1138 Robot puts things in its ass. The Robot is really Ted Haggard! Locusts! Watch out for the Locusts and teh gay! Ted Haggard and Locusts will make you teh gay!

mrblifil January 8, 2011 at 9:31 am

The bomber was probably driven crazy by the idea that he/she will never get back the time spent reading the Stieg Larsson novels.

el_donaldo January 8, 2011 at 9:53 am

When you first meet them, they always claim to be harmless sex robots. But then the truth comes out.

bitchincamaro2 January 8, 2011 at 10:01 am

This is why you shouldn't use Hotmail.

weejee January 8, 2011 at 10:14 am

Ken have you thought of upgrading yer level headed Terror Bot to 16 bit?

Terry January 8, 2011 at 10:23 am

I'm totally burned out on color coded warnings. Unless something is happening right now, I'm going about my life.

Yours truly,

Tired DC area resident

JackObin January 8, 2011 at 10:33 am

What ever happened to just placing candles in windows to alert panicked citizens? One candle if Fox News is on cable, two if by sattelite.

neiltheblaze January 8, 2011 at 10:47 am

The Terror Bot is now more awesome than the Blingee. There. I said it.

ttommyunger January 8, 2011 at 11:09 am

I am withholding judgement until I hear what Rick Sanchez's kid has to say on the matter of Homeland Security.

rocktonsam January 8, 2011 at 11:10 am

I knew we were trouble when $arah Palin mentioned on her teevee documentary that she felt like she was on an African safari , while in Alaska. My head still hurts. Take us now Lord.

johnnyzhivago January 8, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Right, there are so many black people in Alaska, it's easy to get confused.

edywin2 January 8, 2011 at 11:51 am

If that thing tells me to turn left and recalculates my route, I'm calling the FBI!

johnnyzhivago January 8, 2011 at 12:16 pm

And don't forget 16 tacos is like 200 tacos in Metric, right?

ExecutorElassus January 8, 2011 at 12:25 pm

The Terror-bot wins eleventy internets for the obscure Twin Peaks reference in the screen crawl. Please Terror-bot , will you be my robot girlfriend now?

so ronery

natoslug January 8, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Terry Allen Lester was dating Janet Napolitano?

And completely off-topic, but mullets should be a hanging offense.

Silversmith January 8, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Gold is actually denser than lead. I see no reason why a gold bullet wouldn't be a suitable, if expensive choice. I will, however, defer to Neilist's opinion on this matter.

DashboardBuddha January 8, 2011 at 4:05 pm

My bad…you are correct of course. I still think it better to hold the gold for making pretty things for the Hillbilly Cannibal Overlords.

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