nice try moon

Man Doesn’t Believe In Gravity, Will Interview President


Let’s all cue this video up to 1:40. Yes, this atheist is rather dumb, because he doesn’t seem to understand either: The Moon creates the tides. It’s called “gravity,” a revolutionary new theory. Will NASA please tow the Moon away from Earth so we can show Bill O’Reilly his single belief is incorrect? Hopefully in time for Barack Obama’s interview with him on Super-Bowl Sunday. What?

Obama will be interviewed by the conservative Fox News host O’Reilly on Feb. 6, Super Bowl Sunday.

And, yes: Fox is televising the Super Bowl — the Obama-O’Reilly confab will be during the pre-game show. [...]

The Super Sunday interview has become something of a tradition with Obama.

Two years ago, the president spoke with Matt Lauer of NBC; last year, it was Katie Couric.

Good choice, Fox. O’Reilly can ask Obama the ultimate gotcha question: “Magnets: How do they work?” [YouTube/USA Today]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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138 comments

      1. HistoriCat

        Ew. Seriously – ew.

        I don't care how bad I think Barry's negotiations with the Repugs were – he shouldn't be subjected to that kind of degradation, even if it is imaginary.

  1. MittsHairHelmet

    O'Reilly's getting old. I don't think he ever really believed most of his shtick, but now he's just mailing it in.

  2. Terry

    So, O'Reilly is in a bit of a pickle, really. Obama certainly can handle questions. If O'Reilly goes for the topics that his fan base is most interested in (born in Kenya! is a socialist!), Obama will answer those easily and make O'Reilly look bad. If, instead, Bill sticks with more mainstream questions, his fan base may think he's a bit of a wuss.

    1. mereoblivion

      Anyway, if Gawd had wanted us to throw the football He'd of put wings (sorry, wangs) on pigs.

  3. Rosie_Scenario

    I'd rather comment on Rudy G. Poor guy is so irrelevant that comments are disabled. What he needs is a reality show on TLC. Round up the two ex-wives, Judy wearing her tiara, Andrew the disgruntled college golfer; and Caroline, the shoplifter, and you have ratings gold. Or maybe aluminum.

  4. Come here a minute

    But MY religion isn't a myth, all the other ones are. The flying spaghetti monster told me so, on its way to bring in the tides (don't tell anyone it was late that day).

    1. Negropolis

      I'd pay to see the FSM bring in the tides. In fact, that's make an excellent short art film. You know, the FSM hovering over the deep and gathering its waters and then silently rolling them across the sea…beautiful. Fin.

  5. jus_wonderin

    For someone that doesn't believe in the forces of gravity it would seem a casual glance in the mirror might reveal its effects on Bill's jowly face.

  6. Mindblank

    We need smarter talking heads. But I guess you go on-air with the talking heads you have, not the ones you want.

  7. LionelHutzEsq

    I wonder if Obama can get O'Reilly to cry and walk off like that meanie Terry Gross did.

  8. Gratuitous World

    I can't wait for Bill O + BO to discuss the matters most in need of serious anlysis on Super Bowl sunday – the career and penis of Brett Favre.
    why doesn't anyone ever talk about this?

  9. el_donaldo

    I'm pretty sure that humanity had figured out the influence of the moon on tides thing well BEFORE the idea of a monotheistic God was thought up.

      1. el_donaldo

        Monotheism's only been around 2500 years or so. I checked on the tides thing, and actually the two concepts emerged about the same time. So may O'Reilly is on to something.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Yeah, they had a god specifically designated to handle the tides. Kinda like the modern corporation, a CEO (eg, Zeus) and lots of middle-manager gods who take care of everyday miracles and occasionally screw over a few ordinary humans, just because they can.

      And you know how I can always irritate my wife? Just point out the obvious similarities between polytheistic religions of the past and Catholicism with their CEO God and minor gods as saints.

      1. DoktorZoom

        My own spiritual commitments tend to vacillate between Offler the Crocodile God and Anoia, the Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers.

      2. Dashboard_Jesus

        your wife? here I always thought Juana esta la senorita…just ruined my fantasy, graciass!

  10. DoktorZoom

    Colbert nailed it: O'Reilly's theology boils down to a single, simple statement: "There must be a God, because I don't know how things work"

    1. gvvt

      I remember BillO explaining a few years ago that global warming couldn't be true because it was not possible that God would make the things he (BillO) likes to do – driving around in his Cadillac SUV, barbecuing, etc., etc., – bad. A completely no-fault religion.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      fuck I love Colbert…"my best guess is the ocean level rises when God gets in the bath and lowers again when he gets out, and he takes two baths a day cuz cleanliness is next to Himliness" how about we have Colbert interview Barry at the Stupor Bowl, much more fun, and educational too!

  11. mereoblivion

    Comments disabled at the Rudy for President story, so I'll try my question here–it's full of gravity, after all:

    Doesn't he know Rudyness has been declared a neurotoxin?

    Also OT: anyone know how to stop Stop the Crackdown on Wikileaks? It keeps gettin' in the way of readability.

    1. V572625694

      My 9udy post would've been:

      "America's Mayor Attention Whore, Rudy Giuliani."

      Or, "How much do you have to pay not to hear Rudy speak?"

      1. Crank_Tango

        My rudy post would have been: Too soon!

        so instead I will just say, this is good news for the moon.

  12. undeterredbyreality

    In all fairness, I think what the atheist didn't understand was how it was possible that ignorance of such a scale could still exist–and be sitting across from him and paid much more than him to express that ignorance.

  13. hagajim

    Rudy can't be America's Attention Whore…that falls to the snowbilly.

    Anyway B.O. vs. B.O. – one more reason to not watch the Superbowl Pre-Game shit…as if Howie and Terry weren't enough reason already!

  14. SheriffRoscoe

    Oh yes Billy, and rainbows are god's way of reminding us that, as much as he may want to, he's not going to drown us.

    Also, that atheist is an idiot.

    1. PsycWench

      I suspect it's not a coincidence that O'Reilly found a dumb atheist to intervew. Christopher Hitchens or Richard Dawkins would have evoked tears and a temper tantrum.

    2. Pithaughn

      I can't tell, Bill for some reason keeps interrupting him. When did Bill start with this rude interrupting behavior?

  15. weejee

    Bill Ohreally thinks the tides are because of Jeebus? Doesn't he know gravity of this issue? Silly Billie, the tides are the result of the longest continual global mooning under the sun!

    1. SorosBot

      (this is not meant as a reply to you, but in the reverse of yesterday IntenseDebate seems to be eating my new comments but letting replies through)

      Bill, while you may not know how tides work, for about three and a half centuries scientists have Newton of it.

    2. V572625694

      This is from Wikipedia. How could a man get this much education and not learn about gravity, tides, the Moon, etc.?

      "O'Reilly attended Marist College….An honors student, he majored in history…O'Reilly received his B.A. in history in 1971…After graduating from Marist College, O'Reilly…taught English and history at Monsignor Pace High School from 1970 to 1972…returned to school in 1973 and earned an MA in Broadcast Journalism from Boston University…also earned a Master of Public Administration from Harvard University's John F Kennedy School of Government…"

      Could it be that he's just a hypocritical demagogue? Oh no!

        1. V572625694

          That was my point, I guess. How could you get that much edumacation and not take physics or even “earth science” or something.

          1. weejee

            I dunno. Some math & sci won't hurt, and with the right prof, might be something you could use once in while when thinking about issues, say global warming, of the day.

            At Illinois, back when I wuz there and the fire, earth, air, and water theory still held some sway, the chemysteries which I studied were in the College of LAS – Lay Around & Sleep Liberal Arts & Sciences. The rules then were that rightbraintards could major in philosophy or english, but they had to take the maths through pre-calc and two semesters of for realz science. For us leftbraintards, we had to sample well at the non-sci/math troughs of understanding.

            One of the best college courses I took was comparative religion with Harry Tiebout. Old Harry was the County Chair for the DeRats, faculty sponsor for the local chapter of the SDS, and one of my treasured people to have known and loved.

          2. V572625694

            Ditto at the Agricultural Training Institute in West Lafayette, IN. Everybody had to swing both ways. Although it's true the Periodic Table was a lot easier to learn when there were only four elements in it. Technical training is great, e-to-the-x, d-y/dx and all that, but “education” is supposed to make you a philosopher-king, such as we Wonkommenters.

    3. SorosBot

      Bill, even though you don't know how the tides work, for the last three and a half centuries scientists have Newton about it.

  16. fartknocker

    Bill O-really gets confused with 32.2 feet/second/second math in G force so I couldn't give tinkers damn about what that asshat thinks or bloviates.

    Thank you Wonkette for bringing back that gorgeous stud from FIT. I'm going to have a Christine ODonnell moment later. He's such a hottie!

  17. doxastic

    Warning! Pedantry ahead!

    There's never a miscommunication because the tide doesn't communicate with the shore. God isn't some celestial telephone operator connecting calls between the sun and earth, so that they can set a meeting time for the sunrise. People, on the other hand, communicate and miscommunicate. So, right off the bat, O'Reilly engages in some pretty crazy anthropomorphism, casting all of "God's creation" in terms of human existence.

    (I'm pretty comfortable saying that humans are the measure of all things, but that's why I'm a humanist).

    And this whole morass illustrates why basing social policy on the presumed word of some authority that exists outside of the realm of communication and miscommunication, which is fundamentally uninterpretable precisely because we are humans and not gods, is stupid.

    Which, for the non-believer (or the believer that separates their church from their state), is the whole point.

    1. AngryGeometer

      "There's never a miscommunication because the tide doesn't communicate with the shore."

      Yeah. This is actually what most medieval philosophers believed, though. If God is the final cause of all things, then anything, especially some sort of action at a distance, has to have God's grubby paws all over it in a metaphysical sense. The apple hit you on the head because God wanted it to. The projectile flew in a perfect parabola because God is awesome, and He likes parabolas.

      Most of the western world threw all that out after Newton and Descartes. Nice to see O'Reilly kicking it old school. I can't wait for his special where, via 2 hours of belligerent yelling, he proves how many angels can dance on a pinhead.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    Also Bill, the corn kernels don't go anywhere — they turn into the popcorn. You see, the microwaves, which are invisible radiation — oh, fuck it.

      1. PsycWench

        The joke "How does so-and-so work?"
        "FM"
        "FM?? "
        "Fucking Magic"
        would possibly not be perceived as a joke to Bill O'Reilly

  19. undeterredbyreality

    So–I've entered two posts here, they appeared on my browser as posted, and now they've disappeared. Did I offend O'Reilly's moon-god?

  20. SorosBot

    Bill, even though you don't know something for hundreds of years scientists have Newton of it.

  21. edgydrifter

    Bill O. subscribes to the Space Ghost school of reason:
    "I have a giant brain that is able to reduce any complex problem into a simple one-word answer: JESUS. JESUS. JESUS!"

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I find it hard to believe that Billo actually believes in God. His ego is way too big for that and he's obviously not stupid. He probably believes the same way I used to, because I was raised in religion and it was a conditioned response, kind of like when I wash my hands I want to pee.

  22. elviouslyqueer

    Heck, the very fact that Billo is allowed to continue festering on this earth makes me question the whole "God" thing.

  23. JackDempsey1

    The concept of the moon's gravitational pull causing the tides is a central plot point in last summer's kid flick "Despicable Me." My 9-year-old non-genius kid (believe me) understands this; Bill does not. Although, to be fair, Bill probably never had it explained to him using 3-D animation.

  24. fartknocker

    Bill O-Really has real problems understanding the 32.2 feet/second/second math involved in gravitational force so I really couldn't give a tinkers damn about what he bloviates about or what's rattling around in that douchbag.

    Thank you Wonkette for bringing back the FIT guy. He's such a I hottie!

  25. freakishlywrong

    Why is Barry allowing hisself to be "interviewed" by a person, who really, is a cartoon journalist. This just makes it appear as though this asshat is credible.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Well, it does kind of quiet the wingnuts that bitch, moan, and whine that Barry won't allowed himself to be interviewed by a REAL news organization. He should also bring his notarized, live, birth certificate and have Bill O state on the air that it is authentic.

  26. Pithaughn

    Also, if you put some grain and an old burlap sack in a pail , leave it alone for a few days, GAWD will cause at least one, maybe two or three, rodents to be spontaneously created!
    The exact number of mice or rats created cannot be predicted because GAWD is unreliable and insists on working in mysterious ways. It's so simple I don't know why anyone would question this and look for some other explanation.

  27. SmutBoffin

    Bill O.: So, Mr. President, how does gravity work?
    Barry O.: Well, the origins of gravity are somewhat mysterious. The other three forces are unified at large energy scales and are in some sense equivalent expressions of a single, universal principle, but gravity cannot be incorporated into this scheme so easily..
    Bill O.: I wouldn't expect you to know this since you're a muslin, but gravity is produced by God's angels sucking us off gently from the center of the Earth.

    [FUCKING INTENSEDEBATE STOP EATERING MY COMMENT]

    1. wondering where i am

      Yeah, we don't want no FUCKING INTENSEDEBATE. How about an intense fucking debate?

    2. Negropolis

      Silly SmutBoffin; angels don't live in the center of the earth. They live in heaven. Gravity is the province of demons sucking you off from the deep confines of hell. Apparently, they have very long mouths and tongues, like anteaters, even. So, defy gravity whenever possible.

  28. Tundra Grifter

    Several years ago Sen. Al Franken (doesn't that still sound just great!) said not believing in the Theory of Evolution was like not believing in the Theory of Gravity.

    Bull O'Really? has now proven him right.

  29. Ducksworthy

    Since Billo does't believe in gravity maybe Barry can convince him to jump off a very tall building using his Catholicism as a bungee cord.

  30. GeorgiaBurning

    Fox is the place to gain trailer-park cred showing off stupid when confronted by knowledge of any kind, and Bill O is clever. He knows if a reporter admits to any scientific knowledge past 4th grade level their career on TV is ruined. He knows he's way too old to do a "tech beat" segment on a morning show and he'd end up doing the weather on the 6 PM news someplace.

  31. Tundra Grifter

    A few years ago Al Franken said not believing in the Theory of Evolution is like not believing in the Theory of Gravity.

    Well, there you have it!

    1. Sue4466

      And he probably said it as a joke, thinking no one could possibly be that fucking stupid. This must have been when BillO was still doing it live on Inside Edition.

  32. Sue4466

    Once a campus crusader for Christ told me he the Bible was true because "Genesis describes Eve being tempted to eat an apple" and, voila, here's an apple unbeliever!

    Not sure why I remember that now.

    Oh yea, cause it's just as fucking stupid. But like Bill, the crusader guy thought he'd just nailed it.

  33. SorosBot

    Since my commenting ability seems to be working, maybe I can finally make my lame joke and have it stick:

    Bill, while you don't know what makes the tides, for three and a half centuries scientists have Newton about it.

  34. undeadgoat

    My favorite part is "Thor on Mount Olympus." Also: Kudos to Bill's staff for finding such an awesomely stupid atheist, I didn't watch the whole thing because I mean come on I came home sick from work today I don't need to watch this bullshit, but at least on the tides question I think every atheist I know personally could answer better, and only a few of them are spokespersons for national organizations.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      As Galileo was led from his trial, he is believed to have said, "But it moves".

      On his deathbed, Newton when considering for the last time the idea of gravity was heard to mutter, "but it sucks".

  35. Tundra Grifter

    A few years ago, Al Franken said not believing in the Theory of Evolution was like not believing in the Theory of Gravity.

    Now we know that to be true…

      1. Tundra Grifter

        I remember the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show where the prospector found "Upsadasium" (that may not be spelt correctly) – the rock that falls up…

    1. SorosBot

      Well the creationists think that pointing out errors in Darwin's The Origin of Species disproves evolution, so by their logic Einstein's discovery that Newtonian gravitation was wrong in certain cases means there's just no such thing as gravity.

  36. gvvt

    The unfortunate trap here is that "Gravity" doesn't actually "explain" anything. It's the word we use to identify a relation whose effects we observe and can pretty accurately calculate. They're hoping at CERN to find the Higgs-Bozo that actually pulls stuff towards other stuff. The "God Particle." Maybe God is invisible because he's so small.

  37. mavenmaven

    Interestingly, for those up on the history of science, what Bill O'Reilly is espousing is the view that killed Islamic science (technically, Ashariya philosophy through Ghazali). For years, the Islamic world led in the sciences. Then, religious thinkers decided that the reason the ground got wet after a rainfall was not causality, but only because God willed it to be so at that moment.
    Once that became orthodoxy, all scientific inquiry became suspect of heresy, and that was the end of Islamic science.
    Of course, this is how Bush almost killed the NIH and science in this country as well.

  38. Barbara_i

    “Magnets: How do they work?” Bill O knows how magnets work by watching Greta Von Sustern's lips and Sarah Palin's ass. I've never seen a TV personality volunteer faster to be the personal tampon for anyone like this before.

  39. weejee

    Are we suffering from the Comment Reflux Syndrome – CRD?
    Are we suffering from the Comment Reflux Syndrome – CRD?
    Are we suffering from the Comment Reflux Syndrome – CRD?
    Are we suffering from the Comment Reflux Syndrome – CRD?
    Are we suffering from the Comment Reflux Syndrome – CRD?
    Are we suffering ……………

  40. BarackMyWorld

    Yes, the tides are caused by gravity from the moon. I think I knew that when I was 12. But to O'Reilly, ignorance of something known to science and middle school students 20-30 years ago is an airtight metaphysical argument.

  41. baconzgood

    Did every one get that because the air tight logic.

    Bill doesn't understand how the moon works so that is proof of an omnipotent deity.

    Check and mate atheists.

  42. firenze011

    I have to workmy ass off to make 60K a year, while morons like Beck and O'Reilly make millions by being stupid?! Well I'm taking my shot at fame and fortune…I'm starting a new theory…babies really are delivered by storks!! The whole sexual reproduction thing is a myth perpetrated by horny people! Now, where's my money?

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