Young People Continue To Ruin America With Their Awful 'Dancing'
Hello! Has Satan ever kidnapped you at knife-point and then imprisoned you in his favorite fire dungeon, where thousands of sweaty young people "grind" to auto-tuned fart sounds accompanied by predictable bass lines and recycled MTV mashup samples, for the rest of eternity? It doesn't even matter really, since these apocalyptic sex rites are performed every single night at every middle school semi-formal and yuppie "wine bar" in America. But what happens when young people are prohibited from crawling all over each other like horny centipedes at their high school's annual debutante ball? And also: Are thousands of baby birds murdered every time Bristol Palin "grinds" to the latest Lady GaGa .wav file? Scientists say maybe. (Maybe.)
A winter ball at a Vermont high school has been canceled in part because of slow ticket sales caused by a ban on the style of dancing called grinding.
Some students say they didn't want to go to the dance because of the prohibition on grinding, in which partners rub their bodies against each other, with both people usually facing the same direction.
It's shit like this, young people. There are millions of different kinds of dances, many of which are fun and easy to learn. Try downloading a Samba tutorial onto your Kindle or something. Do it tonight! You will experience incredible results! Everybody at the club will point at you and ask, "Why is that person moving his feet in a rhythmic fashion, instead of rubbing his face in that stranger's vagina?"
Stay classy, Young America! (You were drinking one of those "Four Lokos" while you read this article, weren't you?) [ AP ]
Mostly unrelated: I was just watching my straight-for-me girlfriend Rachel Maddow, as required by liberal law and she had Ana Marie Cox on. I said to myself, please find a way to slip in a ButtSecks, reference, please please!! And lo and behold she did that shit, Rachel tossed her the softball, and she fuckin crushed it like juiced Barry Bonds, the ball is still flying westward. In one paragraph, she tied in Tim Pawlenty, the old gay brawny paper towel man, and the phrase "To be fair, the Brawny mustachioed guy does enjoy watching videos of men pounding each other, as well. FACT. That shit happened, deal with it! Somebody please post the video link, for reals. Let's hope this is not the last we see of one of Our Wonkette alums on (gay-munist) MSNBC.
Buttsecks
Whatevs. Like no one here never got down and dirty to some Salt N' Pepper at their high school homecoming dance. If I was 14 and couldn't rub myself all over a boy in a dark gym I would be pissed too.