Hello! Has Satan ever kidnapped you at knife-point and then imprisoned you in his favorite fire dungeon, where thousands of sweaty young people “grind” to auto-tuned fart sounds accompanied by predictable bass lines and recycled MTV mashup samples, for the rest of eternity? It doesn’t even matter really, since these apocalyptic sex rites are performed every single night at every middle school semi-formal and yuppie “wine bar” in America. But what happens when young people are prohibited from crawling all over each other like horny centipedes at their high school’s annual debutante ball? And also: Are thousands of baby birds murdered every time Bristol Palin “grinds” to the latest Lady GaGa .wav file? Scientists say maybe. (Maybe.)
A winter ball at a Vermont high school has been canceled in part because of slow ticket sales caused by a ban on the style of dancing called grinding.
Some students say they didn’t want to go to the dance because of the prohibition on grinding, in which partners rub their bodies against each other, with both people usually facing the same direction.
It’s shit like this, young people. There are millions of different kinds of dances, many of which are fun and easy to learn. Try downloading a Samba tutorial onto your Kindle or something. Do it tonight! You will experience incredible results! Everybody at the club will point at you and ask, “Why is that person moving his feet in a rhythmic fashion, instead of rubbing his face in that stranger’s vagina?”
Stay classy, Young America! (You were drinking one of those “Four Lokos” while you read this article, weren’t you?) [AP]
{ 119 comments }
T-Rex Disco: Hellz Yeah!
But dude, grinding is the closest I'll ever get to sex before marriage unless I actually meet Bristol Palin!
In my day, we called it 'dry humping' and no, it wasn't exactly satisfying.
Kids these days actually like doing this? Get a room, jerks.
bang a gong, get it on.
it had to be said.
No it didn't, but since when has that ever stopped us?
Your motivation is so sweet. I'll call you Jaguar if I may be so bold.
(Of course, we used to figure he was calling her "Jaguar" because she tended to leak fluids and break down a lot.)
Oh crap — I thumbs-downed you by mistake. So in reality you have +2 more than what your score says. Sorry.
I gave Mahousu a thumbs up just for you SayItWithWookies; you're welcome.
Thanks!
Hee! Another person who has experienced the reliability of Brit automobiles. I up-thumb you, sir or madam.
The school's principal is John Lithgow.
Everybody get
Footloose!You know what's sad? Those crazy college kids that invented that silly "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game are all now bald and fat and wondering why they didn't put more away for retirement. Or is that just me?
It's another sign that we're all getting old.
You damn kids grinding together – get off my lawn!
What's wrong with these youngs? Back in the day I won the New Wave Dance Contest at a rival high school by doing the Rock Lobster. In a mini skirt. But my prize was a Supertramp record which caused me to lapse into a horrible drinking binge and a deep depression. Maybe the kids have a point….
Down….down…
Narwhal.
Face it: life is so much more fun without dignity. I'm reading Pride and Prejudice right now as part of my testosterone-management therapy and I can verify, sir, that though the young people in this book both speak and behave very well, none of them are getting laid. Not even the rich dudes. Tell me, who wants to go back to that?
apparently all our ex-wives…
Your next literary contraceptive should be the Palliser novels of Anthony Trollope. Noble behavior, and middle-class people attempting to emulate it on fox hunts! No explicit sex!
No actually they're really good.
Testosterone-management-therapy? Are you some confused Republican freshman congress critter trolling here? Re-read the Alvin Green posts here, take two aspirins, and a pint of Bailey's and call me in the morning.
I'm afraid, sir, that I do not have the pleasure of understanding you.
I'm afraid, sir, that I do not have the pleasure of understanding you.
I'm gonna read War and Peace next.. Just as soon as Uncle Michael Steele is done with it.
It is the best of books and the worst of books …
hey stoopid kids, save the grinding for after the dance…
can't get pregnitz then
So now they'll just hook up in their cars, risking hypothermia and bear attacks.
Nobody puts Baby in the back seat.
Riley, if this is your awkward and roundabout way of asking me to the prom, the answer is 'yes.'
Facehead, is this your awkward and roundabout way of telling us you grind?
All my dates are required to watch the following video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-cOEgF5MYI
I'm so glad no one's dignity will be compromised. But I certainly do hope you'll encourage Riley to wear that wig!
Have you bought my corsage yet? Blue matches my eyes!
In my day it was all, "shuffle, ball, change" until some nitwit came on his penny loafers and the nuns shut down the hi-fi. Is this "grinding" the same thing?
Could we try and talk the ReThugs into some jobz spending monies and ramp-up a new NASA mission to say Pluto and
stuff in a cargo baywith Briston Palin and Justin Bieber as crew so they could truly be dancing with the starz????Do you Communist Liberal Pink SKUM realize that California is about to BAN the purchase of ammunition over the Internet????!!!!!!???????
What about NET NEUTRALITY????!!!!!
[Don't worry about me, though. I've got enough stored up to start a small war. Or two.]
Neilist
Up In Arms — Literally — Again
P.S. No smoking in my closet, okay? For . . . hmmmm . . . "health reasons."
Just before the T-Rex season opens!!!
T-Rex season? It's Triceratops season!
Ha ha, "closet." I know you've got tons of rebar in the concrete walls of your arms vault IAW DoD 385-60.
Did you buy at the Obama high? The Ammo bubble after the inauguration? Or did you sensibly buy the 'dips'…….
The internet is not Switzerland. It is North Korea, forever at war. Neutrality is for pussies.
Proms just haven't been the same since "Carrie."
I would love to know why more high schools don't produce Carrie: The Musical? "Gotta gig gig gig with a pig pig pig."
What next? No groping in the halls between classes? No coed shower orgies? What is this–Nazi Russia?!?
Isn't that grind dance only done after first stripping out of a gorilla suit?
The passions of the Earth blasted it's mind. Now it's neat sweet ready for the moon based grind. We love to boogie. We love to boogie on a Saturday night. We love to boogie. High school boogie, jitterbug boogie. We love to boogie on a Saturday night!
(T.Rex obviously recorded that song just for this thread.)
Even so, it must also be noted that I love the nightlife, I've got to boogie on the disco 'round (oh yeah). So please don't talk about love tonight.
Grinding? What ever happened to public masturbation? Kids are so lazy these days.
Kevin Bacon will soon move to that town and use the Bible to show them that God (the Great!) wants them to grind!
. . . instead of rubbing his face in that stranger’s vagina?
I'm sorry, I don't see the problem with that.
Unless that stranger is Christine Hairy O'Donnell.
ugh. rug burn.
Spoken like a man who's never had to comb crabs out of his "ironic" hipster 'stache.
If you're thinkin' you're too cool to boogie
Boy oh boy have I got news for you
Everybody here tonight must boogie
Let me tell ya' you are no exception to the rule
So you're saying that you do not believe in Boogie Exceptionalism?
(trying again)
I'll remind you that it's Boogie Exceptionalism that made this country great, mister! We are a shining, disco-balled city on a hill, with a dazzling array of polyester leisure suits and gravity-defying hairstyles.
Where's John Waters? Didn't Hairspray and CryBaby cover this shit already?
There is only one kind of dance: the robot.
And the robo-boogie.
Oh and the ro– two kinds of dances
But there are no more humans
Finally robotic beings rule the world
Based on Riley's gif, this is what he is encouraging our yoots of today to do.
(Fair warning, peeps. It's Was Not Was "Walk the Dinosaur". So don't downthumb me like a bunch of haterz just because you clicked the link and it hurt you.)
~
I'll fist you up just because one of the subtle delights of Wonkette is being introduced to stuff I missed, even if it's not, you know, particularly good.
At an absolute minimum, they should be able to do all 16 dances. I mean for chrissake, how hard is it to learn the Shy Tuna?
There will be no balling after the Winter Ball this year.
Kids these days! I don't even grind coffee any more.You can save a lot of money buying cheap crap after you lose your sense of taste.
Which would explain grinding your face in Xtine's vagina.
To LionelHutzEsq: (still having replies disappear but not new comments)
". . . instead of rubbing his face in that stranger’s vagina?
I'm sorry, I don't see the problem with that. "
Unless that stranger is Christine "Hairy" O'Donnell.
Next thing you know, they'll be tongue punching fart boxes….these kidz today.
And then they'll start with the wriggling penises…and where will it end?
The lost-and-found desk at the Hoboken Bus Terminal, oddly enough.
In excrement, of course.
Grinding at the prom isn't dancing, it is foreplay.
You're saying dancing isn't foreplay?
Ha! Grinding is for the BIRDS! which drop dead from the sky.
Sigh. As the Muslim kid at the born-again prep school where we couldn't have a prom ( we had a roast), I am nostalgic for the quaalude parties and real grinding that took place afterwards. "More Bounce To The Ounce", indeed.
Were those real 'ludes or just re-purposed phenobarb?
1983 legit. One year before they were outlawed.
Dewd. I remember those. Vaguely.
Meh. We conned the "DJ" at my prom into playing "Tomorrow Wendy," telling the idiot it was the greatest slow-dance song EVER. And this was *after* we made him play "Whitelines."
Two of us got suspended for that. Grind away, you whippersnappers!
Thank you very much. Somehow I'd forgotten that song, and have been Youtubing the Andy Prieboy version repeatedly, because it suits my mood quite well this evening.
(Don't worry, the SSRI's are working just fine)
I was playing Sid-n-Susie's version of Sugar Magnolia while watching the gyrating tyrannosaurs.
Yeah, it's been one of those weeks.
If the youngs today want to dance like they're living in a gay disco circa-1992, I say more power to them. But, just for the record, teenage boys don't know how to dance no matter what era/tax bracket/gang allegiance (but not cultural stratum. That really depends).
Toot-toot, heyyyyy, beep-beep!
Toot-toot, heyyyyyy, beep-beep.
This could be a real win-win — I mean, nobody really wants to see high-school kids grinding anyway, but the kids shouldn't let it ruin their fun. They should still dress up and rent the limo — just drive around in it drinking and petting. Saves a lot on the ridiculous prom tickets anyway.
Psh. Everyone knows the true meaning of prom is alcohol and weed, not grinding. Kids these days.
That gif is so brilliant, and it's relaxing to watch – I know it isn't supposed to be but there you are.
I find it sort of sinister but I think we all can agree that Riley has the great graphics.
No one has ever discovered how dinosaurs went extinct, (most certainly not discovering a crater in what's now Mexico's Yucatan peninsula that proved the meteor theory), therefore god must exist.
No one can adequately explain Bill O'Reilly's ratings, either, but I still don't think that means Goddidit.
All that grinding on the dance floor leads to wasted sperm and tuxedo pants that require an extra fee for extra dry cleaning.
Does Steve King know about this??!!??
Mostly unrelated:
I was just watching my straight-for-me girlfriend Rachel Maddow, as required by liberal law and she had Ana Marie Cox on. I said to myself, please find a way to slip in a ButtSecks, reference, please please!!
And lo and behold she did that shit, Rachel tossed her the softball, and she fuckin crushed it like juiced Barry Bonds, the ball is still flying westward.
In one paragraph, she tied in Tim Pawlenty, the old gay brawny paper towel man, and the phrase "To be fair, the Brawny mustachioed guy does enjoy watching videos of men pounding each other, as well.
FACT.
That shit happened, deal with it!
Somebody please post the video link, for reals.
Let's hope this is not the last we see of one of Our Wonkette alums on (gay-munist) MSNBC.
Buttsecks
Isn't it a law that you have to grind in Vermont, to keep warm?
Not when you are bundling, sorry
This thread is now about my lame ass personal life.
In the last five months I've had to shake two stalkers. Super fun. And the girl I *did* like freaked out on my birthday for no apparent reason. Everything was great up till then, but for some reason she snapped, totally freaked out, told me I was intolerable, that contemplating spending any more time together was like a nightmare to her.
So doing the math I assumed she met someone she liked better or an old flame sent her cock pics on Facebook or whatever. I said ok, well, um, that's surprising, but not much ambiguity there. I guess I can be a cool guy and round up your stuff and bring it back to you.
At this point she raged on me and accused me of breaking up with HER.
Why do I always get the crazy ones?
And where can I get some more?
I'm always here for you, Troubledog.
Sincerely,
UW8316154
I dated a girl that was a mental health counselor. When she broke up with me, she said I am an asshole. I said well, I guess I must be hard to get along with. Then she told me that I am a superficial manipulative control freak who uses self-deprecation statements like "I guess I must be hard to get along with" to devalue people's criticism into a channel that I control. She said that I am incapable of experiencing sincere emotions and that I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I said AHA, there's where you're wrong. I have Type II Bipolar Personality Disorder!
One of the stalkers was a classic. I was on a project last year where I worked out of state for quite a while. While I was there we met and dated for a couple of months. I broke up with her cause she was pretty mental, but after a couple weeks let myself be swayed by the pussy. You know what I mean.
She said hey, just casual, when one of us meets someone, we go back to just friends. Seemed sensible. And she was smokin hot when she wasn't blackout drinking or OMG walking around in the morning nursing a hangover with a fresh beer and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth.
So project ended and I came back home. In the meantime she had obtained a bunch of my stuff (long story) and I needed it back. So I flew out there in the guise of "have a fun weekend, get my stuff, hit it and quit it". I endured the couple of days and got my stuff packed and shipped and got on the plane.
Minutes before pushback the vacant seat next to me acquires a hurried looking redhead carrying an awkward backpack and a bigass pillow. I am already half asleep slumped against the cabin wall and don't pay much attention.
Half an hour into the flight I wake up because the redhead is trying to stick a note into my hand. The note says SURPRISE. I look over and it's her. In a red wig with hugeass sunglasses. Sitting next to me on the way back to Seattle. How she figured out what airline, flight and seat I was in to pull this off is still a mystery to me. But hottie blondes with tiny skirts have ways of getting that info.
When I regained the ability to speak, I said, "Do you plan to kill me?"
She laughed and said of course not, I'm in love with you, I'm coming back to Seattle to be with you!!!
This really happened.
Four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me, and Christine O'Donnell. You know, Witch-AY Woman.
Didn't I read this in the Penthouse letters section when I was, like, 14?
I had a girlfriend once, then I married her. The end.
Seattle, huh? Should have known, when you knew I was a Husky.
Go Dawgs.
@Doktor Zoom – your comment has been absorbed into the Intense Debate ether, but I have to say, yeah, those were the days, huh?
kthx – I'm going to continue this rant downstream
No, listen. It is Friday night and some being (the AI "Ken Layne" or that Sara Benincasa person) has obviously said to Riley, "do a quick post on how the kids are all sexed-up today and give the olds on the comments something to bitch about all weekend." I consider myself marketed to my demographic.
Attention Students! No fucking on the dance floor and no dancing on the fucking floor! That is all.
Seriously. No respect for tradition. Whatever happened to going to the dance and then fucking everything you could reach in the hotel room until you passed out?
You know the "parents just don't understand" argument used to be a valid one, but I don't see it, anymore. The only thing beyond grinding it literally having sex on the dance floor, just like a skirt can only be hiked so high before it's public nudity. I'm not complaining, but I do wonder what the next trend will be.
Maybe it'll go in the other direction. Maybe, teens will start wearing burkas, and it'll be sexy if you even get to see an ankle or the general shape of the body.
It's hard to come to terms and understand what the millenials are doing, but I think it is another expression of the ho-hum attitudes about sex that we've been trying to cultivate (rather unsuccessfully, mind you) since the 60's. It's no different than what every other American generation has been doing, but with the cultural and cynical knowledge that comes from a media-saturated environment of the 21st century.
Gah. I'm old. I'm going to DailyKos, now, to continue my earnest rant.
I'm a 20-something, but even I realize, like I said, that there isn't really too much further to go with displaying sexuality, if you're trying to do it physically/literally. Sure, rebellion and asserting oneself as part of a new generation is nothing new, nor will it ever be something new, but there are actual limits to expression after you get so far. Really, what's realistically beyond grinding for the next generation if you've already taken to graphically simulating sex?
I suppose they could suggestively dock their i-pads.
I'll begrudingly concede that that is, indeed, hot.
Mommy's alright, daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird
Surrender, surrender
But don't give yourself away.
♫♫ Why do birds go out of their minds
Every time
Bristol grinds? ♪♫
Whatevs. Like no one here never got down and dirty to some Salt N' Pepper at their high school homecoming dance. If I was 14 and couldn't rub myself all over a boy in a dark gym I would be pissed too.
Well, to be completely accurate, I suspect that quite a few Wonketeers never heard Salt n Pepa at their HS Homecoming dance, since neither Salt, nor Pepa, nor Spin, were, in fact, born as of that occasion.
But, in spirit, I agree with you.
Some of us were too socially awkward to attend a high school homecoming dance.
Grind away, youngsters. But please, remember the birf control. We have too many mediocrities crawling about, as your existence posits.
I d.j. the dances at the middle school in which I teach, and I always—and I mean always—piss the kids off with my choice of slow songs. We have a "no grinding" policy too, but it's hella hard to grind to "(They Want To Be) Close To You" or Annie Lennox's "Why," ISN'T IT, KIDS???
Forever Young – Alphaville: Not grindable
Forever Young (remix) – Jay-Z: Only marginally grindable
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