the mill life

Mistress To Wed John Edwards, Get Cancer, Justify 2012 Cancer-Pity Run

HMM, this image looks familiar, HMM. (Don't eat them, giant Edwards face!)John Edwards, who was gestated in a millworker cut open by a lightsaber after nine months, has asked his mistress Rielle Hunter to marry him, according to the National Enquirer (again). Now, if John Edwards has any luck, this new wife will get cancer, and he will be able to exploit it for another presidential run while he simultaneously has sex with the first crazy person who comes up to him and tells him he’s “hott.” Look out, Obama! John Edwards was created when a bunch of mill dust was dusted off a millworker’s jacket and collected in a dustpan! He is a very serious perpetual candidate! “My new wife has cancer,” John Edwards will tell us. “And we have decided she will have cancer all over the state of Iowa for the next 14 months.”

In its Jan. 17 issue, which is already on newsstands in some markets, the Enquirer further reports that during a holiday getaway, John Edwards introduced his three children by Elizabeth to Rielle and Frances at a Macaroni Grill near the Concord, N.C. resort where he’d taken his bereaved brood. The Enquirer says Hunter asked the younger kids to “call me Mommy.”

Okay, Enquirer. That image of them going to the upscale Macaroni Grill at the resort is pretty funny. But the quote there is just a cliche.

But on the whole, it’s much better than the last time the Enquirer reported this exact thing. So hopefully they will improve each draft of this story in the next few years, so it will be good enough to be made into a teevee movie by the end.

“Reportedly.” [Politics Daily]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • LetUsBray

    Are they still going to have the Dave Matthews Band play at the wedding? Or are they upgrading to Foreigner?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Being an attorney, John-Boy will lie & tell Rielle, "Feels like the first time. Feels like the very first time".

      • OneDollarJuana

        "Well I'm hot-blooded, check it and see"

    • elviouslyqueer

      What? Elton John wasn't available?

      • LetUsBray

        Well, he has shown he'll do any slimebucket's wedding for the right price, the ol' romantic that he is.

    • Mahousu

      Nope, sorry, they're downsizing to Foghat. This is the era of lowered expectations, after all.

      • SorosBot

        Would that be downgrading, though? Outside of country, I cannot think of a single band that sucks more than fucking Dave Matthews; or has fans that are bigger douchebags.

        • Preferred Customer

          Phish?

          • SorosBot

            Bad, but not as bad as Dave Matthews. (Same for the sometimes unintentionally funny Ice and ICP).

        • Tommmcatt

          Dude, the Insane Clown Posse.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Hootie and the Blowfish Vanilla Ice, no contest. Oh wait, you said "has fans."

        • Tommmcatt

          Dude, Insane Clown Posse.

        • crybabyboehner

          Absolutely right, not even close. Foghat in their previous incartation as Savoy Brown made some good records.

      • crybabyboehner

        I dont see how going from Dave Matthews to Foghat would really be downsizing. At least a few of the guys in Foghat were in a decent band at one point in their lives (Savoy Brown).

        • jim89048

          I can already hear the campaign anthem, "3rd Time Lucky", ringing in my ears!

    • Troubledog

      I guessed Cheap Trick.

      • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

        You know, you're right. It really should be the bride's decision, shouldn't it? It's her day, after all.

      • SorosBot

        Nah; while they both certainly are a little weird, "mommy" is not alright, and daddy is not alright either.

    • GOPCrusher

      Blue Oyster Cult

      • crybabyboehner

        No BOC would be a huge upgrade from Dave Matthews. Patti Smith wrote some songs for BOC.

      • crybabyboehner

        Again, no contest between BOC and Dave Matthews. Patti Smith wrote songs for BOC.

        No, there is a reason that Edwards promised to get Dave Matthews Band – they suck beyond comparison.

    • crybabyboehner

      Between Dave Matthews and the Macoroni Grill, the good times just never end with this guy!

    • chicken_thief

      Ratt and/or Whitesnake already booked?

  • Serolf_Divad

    A Hollywood ending for a storybook romance. America's sweethearts!

  • FlyOverGirl

    Thus ending his 2008 campaign slogan: 'hoes for bros.

  • Terry

    Rielle, honey, a word to the wise. Ok, maybe not so wise, but anyway… John cheated on his wife with you. How long is it going to be before you no longer interest him? About two weeks after that wedding band lands on your finger? He's a cheater and will always be a cheater. If you do marry him, when Enquirer pays you for an article about how he was running around on you with another woman make sure they pay you a LOT.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Hey, he asked her to marry him — that means he's already lost interest.

  • slithytoves

    Ugh. It's hard to believe he got anyone pregnant given his timing is so off.

  • i_AM_ready

    I always thought he looked like the Grinch and had the oily manner of a cell phone salesman…

  • horsedreamer_1

    I saw your mommy, & your mommy is dead. Now, I'm the new mommy.

    Basically, this seems like a quickie sequel for the horror-suspence film from last spring The Stepfather, by that Hollywood wannabe Rielle "MILF" Hunter.

  • SorosBot

    Remember, the fact that a former Democratic Senator and Presidential also-ran with no actual power cheated on his cancer-stricken wife means that the entire DemocRAT party is corrupt and sleazy; while a number of Republican congressmen going to jail for being bribed by the same guy, including the House Majority Leader, not to mention a White House that lied us into war and leaked the identity of a covert CIA agent for revenge against her husband, doesn't say anything about the party in general, they were just a a few bad apples.

    And that's without getting started on the GOP sex stuff.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Hell, Newt feels left out. John-Boy is just a piker compared to the Professor.

      • WriteyWriterton

        , who was doing it with Ginger?

  • freakishlywrong

    Ugh…I know it's a meme around here but really John; Too Soon.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    He needz to draw moar votes from right-of-center, so should start shackin'-up with Ann Coulter. It'll be in the NY Post in 3, 2, 1….

  • MinAgain

    I'll bet she wears white.

    • Barbara_i

      Of course, she will wear white. It's been a while since I've been to the drug store and I'm pretty sure Monostat only comes in one color.

    • Barbara_i

      She'll pretty much have to, it's the only color Monostat comes in.

  • MommysFetusJar

    Has she registered yet at Crate and Barrel for her bridal Fetus Jar?

  • prommie

    Can't we just all decide to be a little more French or Italian about these things, instead of being such prudish Victorian scolds? Its so much more grown-up, and reality based, as well.

    • deelzebub

      People have the option to fuck around with whomever they please with little public outrage; it's called being single. Just be single.

      • prommie

        People have the option not to be victorian scolds.

        • HistoriCat

          Hell – I don't care who he sleeps with. But I think introducing his kids (especially the younger ones) to his baby-mama less than a month after their mother's death is a low blow.

        • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

          Why do you hate America?

        • HistoriCat

          (OK, my comments are disappearing – I blame Boehner)

          I don't care who he has sex with but I DO object to introducing his kids (especially the younger two) to his new squeeze a month after their mom died.

          • Jukesgrrl

            Yes, it is Boehner because it started yesterday. Maybe his tears are shorting out the electricity.

      • SorosBot

        Yeah, but the American people would never elect a single person President, because too many of us our stupid and demand they have a traditional family; similarly they would never elect someone who admitted having an open marriage (which I kind of suspect may have been the case with the Clintons) where sleeping with someone else would not be cheating or in any way wrong because the spouse is OK with it.

        • Jukesgrrl

          These same people demand someone who claims to be Christian, also. The candidates don't actually have to belong to a church or appear to be obeying the Ten Commandments, but they must socialize with Christian "leaders" and kowtow to the faithful. Otherwise, they are free to spend Sundays watching football and choking on "pretzels" or schtupping with staff members.

      • widestanceroman

        Here, here. If Little Johnny felt neglected while Elizabeth underwent the horrors of cancer and the treatment it requires, is that not the time to remember that "for better or worse, through sickness and in health" vow? You know, actually living the oath when it is not particularly effortless to do so?

        Only some shallow piece of crap like John would be incapable of thinking beyond his few sad inches during such a time.

    • Tommmcatt

      I don't care if he's fucking seventeen women while married, it's the "banging a videographer while your wife is dying of cancer" thing that gets me. Even I can keep it in my pants for a discrete period of time, couldn't he have, you know, waited?

    • natoslug

      I don't really care where he sticks his dick, but I do care that he showed such poor judgment in how he handled the whole mess. Fucking Rielle Hunter without his wife's approval, or at least acceptance, showed that he had no regard for his wife. Fucking her bare showed that he really didn't/doesn't think too much about consequences. As someone who has had my girlfriend/mistress for longer than I've had my marriage, I understand that love, affection or just plain horniness don't always fit neatly into a monogamous relationship. But I also understand that it really works out better if everyone involved knows what is going on and accepts it. It also helps if your wife and mistress like each other.

      • transfatz

        Thanks to both you and prommie. I've seen issues of marriage, lovers, sickness and death handled so much better without jealousy and recrimination. In fact, I'm honored to have seen them dealt with beautifully and gracefully. But there has to be love and respect and everybody has to know.

  • doxastic

    Now, if the Edwards-Hunters can just secure a reality show on TLC, Democrats will have exploitative trash-peddlers to call their very own.

    • Ducksworthy

      Bet me to it and put it better. Oh well. I'm supposed to be working.

    • WriteyWriterton

      "John and Rielle in Hell"?

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    It burns, burns, burns
    The ring of fire
    The ring of fire

    • prommie

      Ah, that old classic by Social Distortion!

      • Radiotherapy

        The Ball and Chain has passed away.

        • smokefilledroommate

          Mike Ness is not dead.

          • deelzebub

            Mike Ness is a fucking god among the already kickass.

    • smokefilledroommate

      I'm assuming you're referring to Rielle's lady parts after she forgets to take her Valtrex.

      • smokefilledroommate

        those or them? Make up yer damn mind..

  • hagajim

    It's obvious that Johnny ain't running for anything anytime soon…maybe father of the year in 2012? But it sounds like he'll follow her all the way to end of the world….do do do do….

  • nounverb911

    At least Edwards waited until his wife died to remarry as opposed to McCain and Gingrich.

  • Come here a minute

    Yes, I am quite sure a 28-year-old attorney wants nothing more than to call her cheating father's new 44-year-old wife "Mommy".

    • horsedreamer_1

      Doubtless there's much cross-over in the two subcultures, but I'm sure there are plenty of 28 years old women in Brooklyn who would call 45 years old men "daddy" (for the right price).

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

        As a dude past 45 living in Brooklyn I say: From your mouth to god's ears…

  • Ducksworthy

    When does the John & Reille show debut on TLC?

    • JustPixelz

      "Survivor : Politics"
      Put Edwards, Limbaugh, Palin, Coulter, Gingrich, Sharpton, Bachmann, McCain, King, Inhofe, and the rest on an inescapable deserted island. …. That's it, that's the show.

    • chicken_thief

      I heard the network shot down the idea – the little tyke isn't retarded enough.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Beautiful — and sooo meant to be. I guess the point of this blessed union is to prove that a has-been narcissist and a has-been starfucker can prevent each other from dropping off the map. Try not to do it the Mel Gibson way, John.

    • SorosBot

      Oh, the image of Edwards calling a cop "sugartits" is rather amusing.

      Speaking of sugartits, I'd like to thank Wonkette ads today, as it's been nice having Megan Fox's cleavage alongside the comments.

      • HistoriCat

        I am sad that I do not have Megan Fox's cleavage alongside the comments.

        Wonkette – you will be hearing from my attorney!

    • OneDollarJuana

      You could try the Tom Cruise Scientology way!

  • mereoblivion

    Did he ask Rielle's kid to "call me Daddy?"

  • Ruhe

    No real chance of another run by Edwards as his blood must be spilled soon by Riley so that the Golden Child can ascend to his full power. Let's hope they get that ceremony right or else it's Cthulu in 2012.

  • Not_So_Much

    Given that she's totally batshit crazy, she must have some mad sessy-time skills. Either that or Prettyboy is hoping to the be the 'Smart One' this time around.

    • prommie

      Oh, there are reports that Edwards has testified to her mad skills in the sessy-time department.

      • HistoriCat

        Where's the sex tape? Video or GTFO.

      • OurHoboSenator

        Youtube or it didn't happen

      • HistoriCat

        (Again with the disappearing comments …)

        Where's the rumored sex tape? Video or GTFO.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Edwards should be immortalized by naming some horrific anal cancer after him.

    • Wadisay

      He's already got a toilet named after him.

    • horsedreamer_1

      The Sigmoid Colon will now be known as the Edwards. & the Edwards begets the Santorum.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    "Macaroni Grill"? … stay classy John

  • Barbara_i

    I hope that they do marry and that she makes the rest of his life a living hell, the same way that the two of them had to make sure that Elizabeth's final days were filled will grief.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I guess this means she's finally agreed to the buttsechs.

  • Wadisay

    I would rush out and get to work on the commerative plate, but the Enquirer has also reported that Rielle gave her all to an alien and had a bat-boy by him.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    This is all a part of God's plan.

  • sunt97

    He is such a jackass, thank goodness is political career is in the crapper already.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Before anyone passes judgment , I suggest you listen to, "Imagine"

  • Oblios_Cap

    Elizabeth must have owned most of the Edwards' stuff if John is reduced to dining at the Macoroni Grill.

  • ttommyunger

    On the bright side, you'll notice that disgusting mole on John's upper lip is gone now; no doubt as a result of the furious friction against Miss Whatzerface's Bush as he was "hiking the trail" between campaign appearances.

    • Schmannnity

      Whatzerface's? You mean Laura? Now that's a cool Enquirer headline.

  • Radiotherapy

    What, you haven't seen the Lifetime Network made for teevee movie, From Chasing Ambulance to Chasing Tail: The John Edwards Story?

  • Schmannnity

    Run Rielle! Hairspray causes cancer.

  • Mindblank

    Lieberman and Edwards. I would chastise the Democrats for doing a crappy job of vetting their VP candidates were it not for the fact that the other side seems equally incompetent.

  • mourningnmerica

    I repeat, I will support ANY Democrat that runs against Obama. Fuck that corporate lackey weakling. C'mon, who's with me?
    Besides, I kind of miss the generic, little guy, America cares claptrap that Edwards always used. It was so pathetic it was kind of endearing. And it would be kind of cool to have a new agey first lady. Southwest decor makeover for the White House, yeah…

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    John Edwards – appearing soon in the new TLC series "On the Prowl (again)".

  • bitchincamaro2

    He could fill a swimming pool with all the comfort food in the world and those kids would never forgive or forget what a shit they have for a father.

    • Jukesgrrl

      It's equally likely that they'll grow up to be just like him.

  • crybabyboehner

    Didn't he promise Riell he would hire the Dave Matthews band to play at their wedding?

    Now he's taking the whole gang to the Macaroni Grill – his treat!.

    The good times just never end with this guy.

  • fuflans

    hahahaha DC (and NC) are grosser than hollywood.

    actually, the more i think about it, the more true that is.

  • fuflans

    HAHAHAHA DC (and NC) is grosser than hollywood.

    actually, the more i think about this, the truer it is.

  • voodooeconomics

    I will bet money they are having a church wedding. Make a donation John and the Lord will forgive you; or at least get the pastor a new Buick.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    I tend to agree with prommie (assuming, in this case, that prommie was serious) that we don't need to go full Victorian on this. After all, Rielle's kid is John's kid, and John and Elizabeth's kids are already gonna have a therapy-filled relationship with dad.

    Nevertheless, I do sort of feel that it is Too. Fucking. Soon.

    • transfatz

      This was not done well. My friends, who did the dance of love, death, friendship and loss much better than well, waited a year before marriage. Everyone showed up. There was only joy, no need for therapy.

  • chascates

    This gives hope to Mark Sanford.

  • MiniMencken

    One comment, Sheeple! Read Proverbs 26:11

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews/ cheaphits

    "It's no thang…

    Do what ya wanna do"

  • occams8ball

    No Blingee? Is the kid Justin Bieber?

  • Veritas78

    Does proposing automatically stop the palimony, or is that something the lawyers negotiate? Imagine the heft of this pre-nup.

    And what do they do on their wedding night—fuck their children? Even that wouldn't be new.

  • Negropolis

    The story may be true, in general, but there is no way in hell Kate Edwards would willfully subject herself to such a disaster of a meeting. Dont' make Kate Edwards choke a bitch, 'cause she will, and Rielle is at the top-o-the-list.

  • neiltheblaze

    I think it's positively wonderful that Rielle Hunter has decided to make an honest man out of John Edwards.

    But remember Rielle – if they'll do it with ya, they'll do it to ya.