THE MILL LIFE  10:43 am January 7, 2011

Mistress To Wed John Edwards, Get Cancer, Justify 2012 Cancer-Pity Run

by Jack Stuef

HMM, this image looks familiar, HMM. (Don't eat them, giant Edwards face!)John Edwards, who was gestated in a millworker cut open by a lightsaber after nine months, has asked his mistress Rielle Hunter to marry him, according to the National Enquirer (again). Now, if John Edwards has any luck, this new wife will get cancer, and he will be able to exploit it for another presidential run while he simultaneously has sex with the first crazy person who comes up to him and tells him he’s “hott.” Look out, Obama! John Edwards was created when a bunch of mill dust was dusted off a millworker’s jacket and collected in a dustpan! He is a very serious perpetual candidate! “My new wife has cancer,” John Edwards will tell us. “And we have decided she will have cancer all over the state of Iowa for the next 14 months.”

In its Jan. 17 issue, which is already on newsstands in some markets, the Enquirer further reports that during a holiday getaway, John Edwards introduced his three children by Elizabeth to Rielle and Frances at a Macaroni Grill near the Concord, N.C. resort where he’d taken his bereaved brood. The Enquirer says Hunter asked the younger kids to “call me Mommy.”

Okay, Enquirer. That image of them going to the upscale Macaroni Grill at the resort is pretty funny. But the quote there is just a cliche.

But on the whole, it’s much better than the last time the Enquirer reported this exact thing. So hopefully they will improve each draft of this story in the next few years, so it will be good enough to be made into a teevee movie by the end.

“Reportedly.” [Politics Daily]

 
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{ 114 comments }

LetUsBray January 7, 2011 at 10:49 am

Are they still going to have the Dave Matthews Band play at the wedding? Or are they upgrading to Foreigner?

horsedreamer_1 January 7, 2011 at 10:56 am

Being an attorney, John-Boy will lie & tell Rielle, "Feels like the first time. Feels like the very first time".

OneDollarJuana January 7, 2011 at 11:19 am

"Well I'm hot-blooded, check it and see"

elviouslyqueer January 7, 2011 at 10:57 am

What? Elton John wasn't available?

LetUsBray January 7, 2011 at 11:10 am

Well, he has shown he'll do any slimebucket's wedding for the right price, the ol' romantic that he is.

Mahousu January 7, 2011 at 10:58 am

Nope, sorry, they're downsizing to Foghat. This is the era of lowered expectations, after all.

SorosBot January 7, 2011 at 11:01 am

Would that be downgrading, though? Outside of country, I cannot think of a single band that sucks more than fucking Dave Matthews; or has fans that are bigger douchebags.

Preferred Customer January 7, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Phish?

SorosBot January 7, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Bad, but not as bad as Dave Matthews. (Same for the sometimes unintentionally funny Ice and ICP).

Tommmcatt January 7, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Dude, the Insane Clown Posse.

elviouslyqueer January 7, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Hootie and the Blowfish Vanilla Ice, no contest. Oh wait, you said "has fans."

Tommmcatt January 7, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Dude, Insane Clown Posse.

crybabyboehner January 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Absolutely right, not even close. Foghat in their previous incartation as Savoy Brown made some good records.

crybabyboehner January 7, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I dont see how going from Dave Matthews to Foghat would really be downsizing. At least a few of the guys in Foghat were in a decent band at one point in their lives (Savoy Brown).

jim89048 January 7, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I can already hear the campaign anthem, "3rd Time Lucky", ringing in my ears!

Troubledog January 7, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I guessed Cheap Trick.

Lascauxcaveman January 7, 2011 at 1:41 pm

You know, you're right. It really should be the bride's decision, shouldn't it? It's her day, after all.

SorosBot January 7, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Nah; while they both certainly are a little weird, "mommy" is not alright, and daddy is not alright either.

GOPCrusher January 7, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Blue Oyster Cult

crybabyboehner January 7, 2011 at 1:41 pm

No BOC would be a huge upgrade from Dave Matthews. Patti Smith wrote some songs for BOC.

crybabyboehner January 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Again, no contest between BOC and Dave Matthews. Patti Smith wrote songs for BOC.

No, there is a reason that Edwards promised to get Dave Matthews Band – they suck beyond comparison.

crybabyboehner January 7, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Between Dave Matthews and the Macoroni Grill, the good times just never end with this guy!

chicken_thief January 7, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Ratt and/or Whitesnake already booked?

Serolf_Divad January 7, 2011 at 10:49 am

A Hollywood ending for a storybook romance. America's sweethearts!

FlyOverGirl January 7, 2011 at 10:51 am

Thus ending his 2008 campaign slogan: 'hoes for bros.

Terry January 7, 2011 at 10:52 am

Rielle, honey, a word to the wise. Ok, maybe not so wise, but anyway… John cheated on his wife with you. How long is it going to be before you no longer interest him? About two weeks after that wedding band lands on your finger? He's a cheater and will always be a cheater. If you do marry him, when Enquirer pays you for an article about how he was running around on you with another woman make sure they pay you a LOT.

SayItWithWookies January 7, 2011 at 11:00 am

Hey, he asked her to marry him — that means he's already lost interest.

slithytoves January 7, 2011 at 10:52 am

Ugh. It's hard to believe he got anyone pregnant given his timing is so off.

i_AM_ready January 7, 2011 at 10:54 am

I always thought he looked like the Grinch and had the oily manner of a cell phone salesman…

horsedreamer_1 January 7, 2011 at 10:54 am

I saw your mommy, & your mommy is dead. Now, I'm the new mommy.

Basically, this seems like a quickie sequel for the horror-suspence film from last spring The Stepfather, by that Hollywood wannabe Rielle "MILF" Hunter.

SorosBot January 7, 2011 at 10:54 am

Remember, the fact that a former Democratic Senator and Presidential also-ran with no actual power cheated on his cancer-stricken wife means that the entire DemocRAT party is corrupt and sleazy; while a number of Republican congressmen going to jail for being bribed by the same guy, including the House Majority Leader, not to mention a White House that lied us into war and leaked the identity of a covert CIA agent for revenge against her husband, doesn't say anything about the party in general, they were just a a few bad apples.

And that's without getting started on the GOP sex stuff.

horsedreamer_1 January 7, 2011 at 10:58 am

Hell, Newt feels left out. John-Boy is just a piker compared to the Professor.

WriteyWriterton January 8, 2011 at 1:41 am

, who was doing it with Ginger?

freakishlywrong January 7, 2011 at 10:57 am

Ugh…I know it's a meme around here but really John; Too Soon.

weejee January 7, 2011 at 10:57 am

He needz to draw moar votes from right-of-center, so should start shackin'-up with Ann Coulter. It'll be in the NY Post in 3, 2, 1….

MinAgain January 7, 2011 at 10:58 am

I'll bet she wears white.

Barbara_i January 7, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Of course, she will wear white. It's been a while since I've been to the drug store and I'm pretty sure Monostat only comes in one color.

Barbara_i January 7, 2011 at 12:52 pm

She'll pretty much have to, it's the only color Monostat comes in.

MommysFetusJar January 7, 2011 at 10:58 am

Has she registered yet at Crate and Barrel for her bridal Fetus Jar?

prommie January 7, 2011 at 10:59 am

Can't we just all decide to be a little more French or Italian about these things, instead of being such prudish Victorian scolds? Its so much more grown-up, and reality based, as well.

deelzebub January 7, 2011 at 11:20 am

People have the option to fuck around with whomever they please with little public outrage; it's called being single. Just be single.

prommie January 7, 2011 at 11:31 am

People have the option not to be victorian scolds.

HistoriCat January 7, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Hell – I don't care who he sleeps with. But I think introducing his kids (especially the younger ones) to his baby-mama less than a month after their mother's death is a low blow.

Lascauxcaveman January 7, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Why do you hate America?

HistoriCat January 7, 2011 at 2:25 pm

(OK, my comments are disappearing – I blame Boehner)

I don't care who he has sex with but I DO object to introducing his kids (especially the younger two) to his new squeeze a month after their mom died.

Jukesgrrl January 7, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Yes, it is Boehner because it started yesterday. Maybe his tears are shorting out the electricity.

SorosBot January 7, 2011 at 11:39 am

Yeah, but the American people would never elect a single person President, because too many of us our stupid and demand they have a traditional family; similarly they would never elect someone who admitted having an open marriage (which I kind of suspect may have been the case with the Clintons) where sleeping with someone else would not be cheating or in any way wrong because the spouse is OK with it.

Jukesgrrl January 7, 2011 at 7:46 pm

These same people demand someone who claims to be Christian, also. The candidates don't actually have to belong to a church or appear to be obeying the Ten Commandments, but they must socialize with Christian "leaders" and kowtow to the faithful. Otherwise, they are free to spend Sundays watching football and choking on "pretzels" or schtupping with staff members.

widestanceroman January 7, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Here, here. If Little Johnny felt neglected while Elizabeth underwent the horrors of cancer and the treatment it requires, is that not the time to remember that "for better or worse, through sickness and in health" vow? You know, actually living the oath when it is not particularly effortless to do so?

Only some shallow piece of crap like John would be incapable of thinking beyond his few sad inches during such a time.

Tommmcatt January 7, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I don't care if he's fucking seventeen women while married, it's the "banging a videographer while your wife is dying of cancer" thing that gets me. Even I can keep it in my pants for a discrete period of time, couldn't he have, you know, waited?

natoslug January 7, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I don't really care where he sticks his dick, but I do care that he showed such poor judgment in how he handled the whole mess. Fucking Rielle Hunter without his wife's approval, or at least acceptance, showed that he had no regard for his wife. Fucking her bare showed that he really didn't/doesn't think too much about consequences. As someone who has had my girlfriend/mistress for longer than I've had my marriage, I understand that love, affection or just plain horniness don't always fit neatly into a monogamous relationship. But I also understand that it really works out better if everyone involved knows what is going on and accepts it. It also helps if your wife and mistress like each other.

transfatz January 8, 2011 at 5:29 am

Thanks to both you and prommie. I've seen issues of marriage, lovers, sickness and death handled so much better without jealousy and recrimination. In fact, I'm honored to have seen them dealt with beautifully and gracefully. But there has to be love and respect and everybody has to know.

doxastic January 7, 2011 at 11:03 am

Now, if the Edwards-Hunters can just secure a reality show on TLC, Democrats will have exploitative trash-peddlers to call their very own.

Ducksworthy January 7, 2011 at 11:14 am

Bet me to it and put it better. Oh well. I'm supposed to be working.

WriteyWriterton January 8, 2011 at 1:44 am

"John and Rielle in Hell"?

OC_Surf_Serf January 7, 2011 at 11:04 am

It burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire
The ring of fire

prommie January 7, 2011 at 11:09 am

Ah, that old classic by Social Distortion!

Radiotherapy January 7, 2011 at 12:48 pm

The Ball and Chain has passed away.

smokefilledroommate January 7, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Mike Ness is not dead.

deelzebub January 7, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Mike Ness is a fucking god among the already kickass.

smokefilledroommate January 7, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I'm assuming you're referring to Rielle's lady parts after she forgets to take her Valtrex.

smokefilledroommate January 7, 2011 at 6:09 pm

those or them? Make up yer damn mind..

hagajim January 7, 2011 at 11:05 am

It's obvious that Johnny ain't running for anything anytime soon…maybe father of the year in 2012? But it sounds like he'll follow her all the way to end of the world….do do do do….

nounverb911 January 7, 2011 at 11:06 am

At least Edwards waited until his wife died to remarry as opposed to McCain and Gingrich.

Come here a minute January 7, 2011 at 11:08 am

Yes, I am quite sure a 28-year-old attorney wants nothing more than to call her cheating father's new 44-year-old wife "Mommy".

horsedreamer_1 January 7, 2011 at 11:14 am

Doubtless there's much cross-over in the two subcultures, but I'm sure there are plenty of 28 years old women in Brooklyn who would call 45 years old men "daddy" (for the right price).

mrblifil January 7, 2011 at 11:45 am

As a dude past 45 living in Brooklyn I say: From your mouth to god's ears…

Ducksworthy January 7, 2011 at 11:11 am

When does the John & Reille show debut on TLC?

JustPixelz January 7, 2011 at 11:23 am

"Survivor : Politics"
Put Edwards, Limbaugh, Palin, Coulter, Gingrich, Sharpton, Bachmann, McCain, King, Inhofe, and the rest on an inescapable deserted island. …. That's it, that's the show.

chicken_thief January 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I heard the network shot down the idea – the little tyke isn't retarded enough.

SayItWithWookies January 7, 2011 at 11:11 am

Beautiful — and sooo meant to be. I guess the point of this blessed union is to prove that a has-been narcissist and a has-been starfucker can prevent each other from dropping off the map. Try not to do it the Mel Gibson way, John.

SorosBot January 7, 2011 at 11:21 am

Oh, the image of Edwards calling a cop "sugartits" is rather amusing.

Speaking of sugartits, I'd like to thank Wonkette ads today, as it's been nice having Megan Fox's cleavage alongside the comments.

HistoriCat January 7, 2011 at 12:05 pm

I am sad that I do not have Megan Fox's cleavage alongside the comments.

Wonkette – you will be hearing from my attorney!

OneDollarJuana January 7, 2011 at 11:21 am

You could try the Tom Cruise Scientology way!

mereoblivion January 7, 2011 at 11:19 am

Did he ask Rielle's kid to "call me Daddy?"

Ruhe January 7, 2011 at 11:23 am

No real chance of another run by Edwards as his blood must be spilled soon by Riley so that the Golden Child can ascend to his full power. Let's hope they get that ceremony right or else it's Cthulu in 2012.

Not_So_Much January 7, 2011 at 11:25 am

Given that she's totally batshit crazy, she must have some mad sessy-time skills. Either that or Prettyboy is hoping to the be the 'Smart One' this time around.

prommie January 7, 2011 at 11:32 am

Oh, there are reports that Edwards has testified to her mad skills in the sessy-time department.

HistoriCat January 7, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Where's the sex tape? Video or GTFO.

OurHoboSenator January 7, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Youtube or it didn't happen

HistoriCat January 7, 2011 at 2:26 pm

(Again with the disappearing comments …)

Where's the rumored sex tape? Video or GTFO.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 7, 2011 at 11:27 am

Edwards should be immortalized by naming some horrific anal cancer after him.

Wadisay January 7, 2011 at 11:46 am

He's already got a toilet named after him.

horsedreamer_1 January 7, 2011 at 11:51 am

The Sigmoid Colon will now be known as the Edwards. & the Edwards begets the Santorum.

SudsMcKenzie January 7, 2011 at 11:33 am

"Macaroni Grill"? … stay classy John

Barbara_i January 7, 2011 at 11:36 am

I hope that they do marry and that she makes the rest of his life a living hell, the same way that the two of them had to make sure that Elizabeth's final days were filled will grief.

mrblifil January 7, 2011 at 11:47 am

I guess this means she's finally agreed to the buttsechs.

Wadisay January 7, 2011 at 11:49 am

I would rush out and get to work on the commerative plate, but the Enquirer has also reported that Rielle gave her all to an alien and had a bat-boy by him.

DerrickWildcat January 7, 2011 at 11:49 am

This is all a part of God's plan.

sunt97 January 7, 2011 at 11:50 am

He is such a jackass, thank goodness is political career is in the crapper already.

Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany

DerrickWildcat January 7, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Before anyone passes judgment , I suggest you listen to, "Imagine"

Oblios_Cap January 7, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Elizabeth must have owned most of the Edwards' stuff if John is reduced to dining at the Macoroni Grill.

ttommyunger January 7, 2011 at 12:33 pm

On the bright side, you'll notice that disgusting mole on John's upper lip is gone now; no doubt as a result of the furious friction against Miss Whatzerface's Bush as he was "hiking the trail" between campaign appearances.

Schmannnity January 7, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Whatzerface's? You mean Laura? Now that's a cool Enquirer headline.

Radiotherapy January 7, 2011 at 12:43 pm

What, you haven't seen the Lifetime Network made for teevee movie, From Chasing Ambulance to Chasing Tail: The John Edwards Story?

Schmannnity January 7, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Run Rielle! Hairspray causes cancer.

Mindblank January 7, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Lieberman and Edwards. I would chastise the Democrats for doing a crappy job of vetting their VP candidates were it not for the fact that the other side seems equally incompetent.

mourningnmerica January 7, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I repeat, I will support ANY Democrat that runs against Obama. Fuck that corporate lackey weakling. C'mon, who's with me?
Besides, I kind of miss the generic, little guy, America cares claptrap that Edwards always used. It was so pathetic it was kind of endearing. And it would be kind of cool to have a new agey first lady. Southwest decor makeover for the White House, yeah…

Worthly Wokette Skum January 7, 2011 at 1:06 pm

John Edwards – appearing soon in the new TLC series "On the Prowl (again)".

bitchincamaro2 January 7, 2011 at 1:22 pm

He could fill a swimming pool with all the comfort food in the world and those kids would never forgive or forget what a shit they have for a father.

Jukesgrrl January 7, 2011 at 7:51 pm

It's equally likely that they'll grow up to be just like him.

crybabyboehner January 7, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Didn't he promise Riell he would hire the Dave Matthews band to play at their wedding?

Now he's taking the whole gang to the Macaroni Grill – his treat!.

The good times just never end with this guy.

fuflans January 7, 2011 at 1:58 pm

hahahaha DC (and NC) are grosser than hollywood.

actually, the more i think about it, the more true that is.

fuflans January 7, 2011 at 4:19 pm

HAHAHAHA DC (and NC) is grosser than hollywood.

actually, the more i think about this, the truer it is.

voodooeconomics January 7, 2011 at 4:24 pm

I will bet money they are having a church wedding. Make a donation John and the Lord will forgive you; or at least get the pastor a new Buick.

ShaveTheWhales January 7, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I tend to agree with prommie (assuming, in this case, that prommie was serious) that we don't need to go full Victorian on this. After all, Rielle's kid is John's kid, and John and Elizabeth's kids are already gonna have a therapy-filled relationship with dad.

Nevertheless, I do sort of feel that it is Too. Fucking. Soon.

transfatz January 8, 2011 at 5:43 am

This was not done well. My friends, who did the dance of love, death, friendship and loss much better than well, waited a year before marriage. Everyone showed up. There was only joy, no need for therapy.

chascates January 7, 2011 at 5:41 pm

This gives hope to Mark Sanford.

MiniMencken January 7, 2011 at 5:57 pm

One comment, Sheeple! Read Proverbs 26:11

cheaphits January 7, 2011 at 7:52 pm

"It's no thang…

Do what ya wanna do"

occams8ball January 7, 2011 at 8:24 pm

No Blingee? Is the kid Justin Bieber?

Veritas78 January 7, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Does proposing automatically stop the palimony, or is that something the lawyers negotiate? Imagine the heft of this pre-nup.

And what do they do on their wedding night—fuck their children? Even that wouldn't be new.

Negropolis January 7, 2011 at 10:02 pm

The story may be true, in general, but there is no way in hell Kate Edwards would willfully subject herself to such a disaster of a meeting. Dont' make Kate Edwards choke a bitch, 'cause she will, and Rielle is at the top-o-the-list.

neiltheblaze January 11, 2011 at 8:00 am

I think it's positively wonderful that Rielle Hunter has decided to make an honest man out of John Edwards.

But remember Rielle – if they'll do it with ya, they'll do it to ya.

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