Like Jesus Christ, Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary is generous in the extreme. His marvy White House propaganda tool West Wing Week is usually a breathless account of your handsomest president’s every holy facial tic and sacred bowel movement. But this week, Arun pulls back the curtain and introduces us to some lesser-known public servants, including your authoress’s future husband, Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations Brian Mosteller. Prepare to learn a bit about Barack and a shitload about the people in the White House who aren’t Kenyan Muslins!
On Tuesday, Barack Obama came back from vacationing on top of the Dome of the Rock, his second-favorite spiritual home. (His first-favorite is Mecca, where he spends his birthday making hummus from the blood of the children of AIPAC donors.) He signed 35 bills into law without reading any of them. As a result, abortion is now legal everywhere for everyone EXCEPT rape victims, who are forced to bear their doomchildren and use Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann as birthing coaches. Also, all the roads in Real Amurka must be paved with candy so that even your stupid bloated car gets Type II diabetes.
Other stuff happened this week, like Congress and that neon-hued beast reading El Constituto (this is what The Illegals call it, while they laugh and fap into their burritos), but “West Wing Week” does not get into that mess. Rather, your favorite weekly serial engages in hardcore pornography by telling us about different White House staffers’ resolutions.
First up is White House Staffer of the Month Barack Obama (who wins this award every month, because he is great and also in charge.) His resolution is to do something good for America with the economies, maybe?
Then Robert Gibbs, who I find endearing in the extreme, tells us that he’s going to eat healthier, exercise more and drink more water. Do you also feel like Robert Gibbs has body dysmorphia? Someone tell him he’s handsome and give him a hug and a copy of Reviving Ophelia. Maybe this is why he is stepping down as Press Secretary, to deal with his body image issues and learn to love the Robert Gibbs he is right now, not some idealized Future Robert Gibbs. Or he’s going to make a shitload of money without having to answer Jake Tapper’s demands every morning.
After this, we meet some nice young women in the press office and also Valerie Jarrett and supermodel/Deputy Chief of Staff Mona Sutphen, all of whom say different things about hitting the gym (Jesus, everyone in this building needs to listen to “Free to Be You and Me”), reading more books (probably just Skinny Bitch over and over again), etc. Does Barack Obama mark fat areas of these peoples’ bodies with a Sharpie during weekly inspections or something? Thankfully, Mona’s hot assistant just wants to stop chewing the living fuck out of her cuticles. David Axelrod’s assistant wants to try yoga, probably to work out the kinks in his back from being beaten by a two-by-four whenever Daddy is having a bad day.
We meet the sixteen-year-old triplets who work in the Outer Oval Office, and they are probably all very nice but I could not hear what “Katie” and my very handsome second-choice future husband “Reggie Love” were saying because OMG BRIAN MOSTELLER IS IN THIS PART. He is going to “cook more” (SQUEE!) maybe some halal food for his boss or some cookies for the Love of His Life, who he hasn’t met yet but could meet anytime, really! If you are reading this and you work in the White House, like perhaps you are President Barack Hussein Obama, maybe casually stop by his office and be all, “So like, do you have a girlfriend or a wife? Do you like diminutive comediennes who will be PERFORMING IN D.C. THE WEEK OF VALENTINE’S DAY AND ARE AVAILABLE FOR PRIVATE ROMANTIC DATES?” He will “get it,” because he is smart.
Have a good weekend, fuckfaces. Those of you unfortunate enough to live in the Northeast ought to enjoy being buried by a blanket of poison snow. I will be holed up in my Manhattan fortress, doing endless crunches in solidarity with Robert Gibbs and his merry band of self-hating fitness fanatics. I will also be reading a personal mash note from Brian Mosteller to sara@sarabenincasa.com, probs. Def probs.
Sara Benincasa will really perform her comedy art in D.C. the “week of Valentine’s Day,” and also watches so much White House porn.
{ 57 comments }
You know who did circle the cellulite on his staff? George W. Bush.
Why else do you think John di Iulio had to leave the White House Office of Faith-based Initiatives?
My New Year's resolution is to not to live in the Northeast…
You're the funniest thing ever.
Sqee!
And Laura Thorbjornssen! Sqee again! So many hotties at 1600 PA Ave!
If you can read this before it vanishes, Sara, it sounds like you must be happy since there's nowhere near as much abuse of us as usual.
Alejandra Campoverdi — now there's a nice commie environmentalist name that those quidnunc Republicans will never figure out. What's sad though, is that while looking at all the WH hotties, I couldn't stop admiring the fact that they have offices with windows that open, unlike my narrow pane of prison glass that gives me a view of the hallway. Hell, for indirect sunlight I might even wear a tie.
I didn't know Andrew "Dice" Clay has a little sister – Sara "Random Number Generator" Benincasa.
But I do know that vulgarity masquerading as comedy is lame, regardless of the gender of the "comic" involved.
Thanks! I'll just find another way to make money, like whatever it is that you do. I'm sure you are happy and fulfilled in your career of choice.
Yes, and how would one get started on the career path of "actual personification of Irritable Bowel Syndrome?"
Haven't you seen all those commercials? I can just hold my belly and go "Ow! Ow! Ow!, this hurts so bad I hate Sara Benincasa!"
Incandescent light bulb hoarder/re-seller, maybe?
Ah, class! No snark here, very refreshing.
I inherited a banana grove, so I don't have to make money.
Sara, not funny? This is the first I've heard of this. I think that girl is a HOOT!
Lady Sara B., I likes how you operate. Now, to really seal the deal with this "Brian Mosteller" what you need to do is let out "the girls" for a candid photo op. However, while your chesticles are out, make good and sure that your eyes are covered- you know, they love it when we're coy like that. Go ahead and shimmy on over to the CVS for a couple of glossy 11×17's, and slide one to his assistant, and scan and e-mail him the other one.
In about six months, you just let us know where you're registered.
Aha! That's why, in Sara's last video, she was in bed, in what looked to be part of a nightgown. It all falls into place now.
[ducks out of the way to avoid getting stomped to death as the Wonkette men take off in a mad rush to see Sara in bed on her blog, sheesh]
This would work even better if she cc's me.
Ooh I would register at Anthropologie, some hippie enviro friendly housewares company, and probs some farm CSA type shit to feed us so Brian can cook for us.
A 1851 Enfield musket/rifle goes well in ANY home.
Or maybe a LeMat revolver. You know, as one of those coffee table thingies?
Gen. John Bell Hood, CSA (ret.)
Decorating Fields With Bodies Since 1861!
I had no idea that you enjoyed watching White House porn. What do you recommend for those of us who wish to get filibustered this weekend? Forget "The Cunt for Red October", I'm not a fan of anything Bristol does.
"Sarah Palin's Alaska" should provide significant encouragement to pound some Pinot, even though
News McNuggetsUSA Today is now questioning Alaskunt's outdoorsy bona fidesI don't think her snuff films qualify as porn. Well, maybe to the mouth breathers in Alaska, they do.
Haha "snuff films." Palin is a human snuff film.
do they even qualify as films? I guess they don't make "snuff movies," do they.
We can't call them "snuff tapes" because that would be confusing to the rednecks who use duct tape and a cloth filled with ether in the hopes of scoring with a woman outside of their family tree. "Has anyone seen my silver roll of snuff tape?"
"The Oval Orifice"?
Hopefully, the illegullz is only fapping into THEIR burritos, not ours. Just to be on the safe side, it's chimechuangas only for me from now on .
I have resolved to start stalking you again, Sara. I really dropped the ball the last few months of last year.
You go to the Morning Gaggle as the press secretary you are, not the press secretary you wish you were.
This made me giggle out loud, like a creepy uncle.
DRUDGE SIREN!1!11
NOBOMA EMPLOYEES CANNIBALS!1!!!
BECAUSE HE'S FROM KENYA!1!!!
That's what I learned from the video.
Sara, it sounds you must be happy today since you're not abusing us anywhere near as much as usual.
Could just as well mean she's depressed.
I have my period, and I am mourning the death of yet another future half baby.
I used to call those little meat hunks or clot balls or whatever they are that come out "maybe babies."
Oh, sorry. TMI.
PIX!
Christ, Sara, all this time I thought you were looking to marry a freelance french translator who shall remain nameless.
Is he a dreamboat like Mosteller?
I'll have to check the mirror, but looking at said Mosteller, we are not feeling inadequate.
And "Andrew 'Dice' Clay's little sister"…I think I ike that.
Michele Bachmann as birthing coach?!? That kid ain't ever coming out.
Sara I love your reviews of West Wing Week, and even watch them, laughing at your descriptions. Brian H. at 3:25 is cute as anything, hope he cooks you up something good this year.
Whoa! I missed that second "o" in "cooks" at first glance. Those are two very different things to be wishing upon someone.
Thank yooou! I want him to cook me aphrodisiac chocolate cake with an engagement ring inside.
"[gack puke gag crunch] ooh! just like in a harlqeuin novel!"
I'd tap all of them. Well, not Gibbs.
"making hummus from the blood of the children of AIPAC donors."
Sounds good. Any pita bread with that?
Oh, and avoid the falafel, okay? I mean, unless you want to FEEL AWFUL, eh?
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! You've been a wonderful audience!!!!!
[Am I annoying, or what?]
Not yet — I just turned down the volume towards the end there.
you should try posting that a few more times, asshole.
The weird thing is, he or she does have a good reason for making the same comment multiple times with IntenseDebate's fuckups today; but it happened with a really obnoxious comment insulting one of our Benevolent Overlords for no reason. And yet looking at the profile, this person has otherwise made good remarks, except for one other gratuitous insult of Sara; but only 20 of them, and I have no idea how they got 111p with very few comments.
Fucking P-points, how do they work?
Confused? There, see? They work! P points are like Henways. What's a Henway? About three pounds.
Like Grecian Urns . . . about $8.00 and hour.
Ba do boom!
Apes get graded on a curve, because people are impressed when we can type.
Well then I blame SorosBot for starting all this. apologies all around.
Future First Lady, Judy Giuliani, is a fitness whore. She'll make everybody eat Tofurkey and do crunches until they're dizzy, probably.
Perhaps Brian is a trifle slow on the uptake, Sarah. I've had that problem for years. I'm constantly horny but can't catch a hint with a fucking butterfly net. Next time you get in the same room with him, sidle up and deftly grab the head of it; worked on me, well, once.
Palin & Bachmann as midwives = lots of Moms changing their name to Rosemary.
(Note To Youngs: Google "Rosemary's Baby" to receive
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