JOHN BOEHNER CAN READ?  11:49 pm January 6, 2011

Terror Threat Level: Very Orange

by Ken Layne

'Black magic operates most effectively in preconscious, marginal areas. Casual curses are the most effective. 'Whoa what even happened in the House of Representatives today? Those dudes are trying to prove they can read? Very fancy. Our special U.S. GOP Terror Threat Alert Robot can also read, with her mind, which is a computer chip from a spaceship. And the Wonkbot TSA-1138 has now been programmed to read the Facebook page of John Boehner. It is almost like if someone had sex inside your ear, plus you had died a while ago, from Obamacare.


Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


AddHomonym January 7, 2011 at 12:39 am

Tide goes in. Tide goes out. Threat level always rises. AND YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT!

Beowoof January 7, 2011 at 1:28 am

God did it according Bill O.

chickensmack January 7, 2011 at 9:29 am

Last night's second Colbert segment made me piddle in excitement, too.

DoktorZoom January 7, 2011 at 12:43 am

Tom Servo has really let himself go.

Radiotherapy January 7, 2011 at 2:58 am

At least he never had to eat Crow.

Neilist January 7, 2011 at 12:43 am

"The KenLayne series AIs had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human… sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he moved on you before I could zero on him."

Hard to spot, out there in the deserts of San Bernardino.

But easy to smell , , ,

ShaveTheWhales January 7, 2011 at 3:59 am

What, has the smog finally cleared up?

dogscantlookup January 7, 2011 at 12:45 am

Second amendment is much more important than the first.
You can say any thing you want when you have gun!!.1 also

twoeightnine January 7, 2011 at 12:59 am

Fucksa Baynar? If the Wonkbot can't give me Boner it's beyond worthless*.

*aka worthChristine

noodlesalad January 7, 2011 at 1:02 am

Youthinasia fer all job-stealin' libtard wonkbots, takin' jobs from real Americans. Skolrebel could do the same thing for half the price, twice the humor, and infinity times the number of reading errors.

Crank_Tango January 7, 2011 at 1:20 am

I'm not sure I understand the idea of dudes getting elected just so they can prove they aren't allowed to make any laws.

Sophist FCD January 7, 2011 at 2:31 am

It's all very Zen. Wait, not "zen", what's the word…? Oh, yeah — "imbecilic" — it's very imbecilic.

Crank_Tango January 7, 2011 at 12:27 pm

And here I was thinking it was too deep to grasp.

imissopus January 7, 2011 at 1:24 am

Tears of awesome indeed.

The FB page is hysterical. There are liberals on there snarkily asking where the jobs are and Republicans saying "Geez guys, give him a break! He hasn't been in office very long! How come you people haven't been asking that question the last two years when Pelosi was in charge?" And so on. Snicker.

glamourdammerung January 7, 2011 at 1:48 am

I was kind of wondering why we were supposed to hate Pelosi because Boehner has not created those jobs as promised myself.

Beowoof January 7, 2011 at 1:31 am

Noo, next thing you the big titted girls here in Vegas will be blowing me off cause I look like an old republican.

nounverb911 January 7, 2011 at 1:36 am

GIGO: Garbage in, garbage out.

DCHatesMe January 7, 2011 at 6:55 am

63 72 75 73 68 20 61 67 65 6e 74 20 6f 72 61 6e 67 65

DoktorZoom January 7, 2011 at 8:36 am

54 68 69 73 20 69 73 20 67 6f 6f 64 20 6e 65 77 73 20 66 6f 72 20 41 6c 61 6e 20 54 75 72 69 6e 67

smokefilledroommate January 7, 2011 at 1:51 am

Office of Speaker Boehner
Say It Out Loud With Us: "Where are the jobs, bitch?"

mumbly_joe January 7, 2011 at 2:16 am

Tears of Awesome, indeed.

comrad_darkness January 7, 2011 at 2:35 am

"Two House Republicans Missed Swearing In While at Fundraiser, Violating Constitution on Day it was Read" (over at the huffpo)

The clowns are back in town, clowns are back in town
do doo do, do doo do,
I said the clowns are back in town again
Spread the word around . . . guess who's back in town . . .

Sophist FCD January 7, 2011 at 2:42 am

Look, if republicans don't spend the money on dog-and-pony shows, they'll just spend it all on donkey shows and shit instead. Just consider all the money the repubs have discretionary authority over to have been burned or thrown in a black hole or something the moment Johnny Coppertone took over, because you will never, ever see any of it again (unless you are rich). Just make your peace with that now.

Radiotherapy January 7, 2011 at 2:58 am

I, for one, feel safer because of the daily Wonkbot TSA-1138 Terror Threat Alert.

horsedreamer_1 January 7, 2011 at 2:58 am

The Robot has already mastered Teledildonics. Sweet.

transfatz January 7, 2011 at 5:29 am

"Teledildonics" is gold word coinage without the chocolate center.

DoktorZoom January 7, 2011 at 8:42 am

It only looks a little lite a Telefunken U-47, though.

ShaveTheWhales January 7, 2011 at 3:34 am

This was an unusually easy to follow TSA-1138 outburst. Well, except for the part where I have no idea what the "Irish Jim" reference means, or why the North Pole (magnetic or spin?) is moving to Russia (or perhaps, Russia is moving to it).

Fuck you Ken, it's bloody midnight 30 here and now I have to google shit.

"Tears of awesome" was, however, … you know.

Negropolis January 7, 2011 at 4:07 am

Wonkbot TSA-1138, you are one classy bitch. I mean that. I love your in-you-face interface; I can even hear the anger in your sexy monotone voice. You are definitely more human than those Republican fleshbots.

Negropolis January 7, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Looks like I'm not the only one who loves you.

Beanball January 7, 2011 at 4:47 am

That robot has a lisp, I think. Could have sworn it said "The Tears of Autumn."

If so, that would actually be… interesting.

On the other hand, it could be a reference to this.

Extemporanus January 7, 2011 at 5:13 am

Domo arigato, Mrs. Wonkboto.

x111e7thst January 7, 2011 at 7:08 am

Ship Mr. Tan-Inna-Can to Maryland and set him on fire.

neiltheblaze January 7, 2011 at 7:25 am

I see that Day 2 of the Republican project to transform the USA into "Paraguay with Nukes" is proceeding apace. Their first objective? To bore everyone to tears so they'll stop paying attention altogether.

CapeClod January 7, 2011 at 7:44 am

Wow, it seems the Wonkabot has the voice of Mrs. Stephen Hawking.

freakishlywrong January 7, 2011 at 7:55 am

Wow. I'm so glad I just saw a bunch of asshole pundits falling all over themselves in praise of Speaker Boner, y'know, how "man of the people" he appears and how folksy. I believe Brian Williams just said "the West wing is all fancy greens and Grey Poupon" but Boner is just good ole' middle Ohio. Except he votes against the common man, the unemployed, the uninsured, the poor and children. Y'know, the rest of Ohio, outside of his wealthy, conservative district.
Where are the jawbs??

MarionNYNY January 7, 2011 at 8:22 am

Given Mr. Orange Head's recent comment regarding the right of Birther-Congress people to their beliefs, does that mean that the Birthers will now be recognized as a religion with full tax-exempt status and school vouchers as Jeebus commands?

Mindblank January 7, 2011 at 8:37 am

The Orange Lord of the Scooter People

deanbooth January 7, 2011 at 8:59 am

Is the Wonkbot TSA-1138 an upgrade of the TSA-911?

JoeMamased January 7, 2011 at 9:09 am

Alt text you can use!

Come here a minute January 7, 2011 at 9:11 am

A dog and pony show? I love dogs! I love ponies! Best. Show. Ever.

PublicLuxury January 7, 2011 at 9:24 am

So boys and girls, today we learned about the Constitution and discovered that the EXACT words 'separation of church and state' are not in it.

I will now lead all you children in a prayer of MY choice. We will begin learning the religion of MY choice tomorrow. Don't forget your Satanic Bible, by Anton Lavey and your Book of Mormon, by Joseph Smith (pedophile).

SorosBot January 7, 2011 at 9:32 am

The GOP has given us our circuses, but where the fuck is our bread?

manythousands January 7, 2011 at 9:51 am

No disassemble!!

prommie January 7, 2011 at 9:53 am

"1138," ha ha, I see what you did there, Layne.

SorosBot January 7, 2011 at 10:56 am

Nerd. (I saw it too, immediately).

Rotundo_ January 7, 2011 at 5:40 pm

I did too, but how did he make the connection to the license plate number on John Milner's yellow 32 Ford 5 window coupe in American Graffiti? (THX-1138)

Jerri January 7, 2011 at 10:40 am

Did you just put a hardhat and goggles on a vacuum cleaner? 1. I like it and 2. please send me whatever drugs/booze cocktail you used to come up with that. I would like to "go to there."

Also, I love it when parents get all up in arms about kids reading controversial books. As if this nation of C- students even read the damn thing when they were assigned it in school themselves to even know what they're upset about. As if they weren't just drawing doodles of their fantasy fingerbang with the cheerleaders in their trapper keeper notebooks or writing bitchy notes about each other in loopy bubble handwriting–if they bothered to show up to class in the first place, of course.

MinAgain January 7, 2011 at 10:42 am

Orange. It's the new black.

hagajim January 7, 2011 at 11:12 am

Hopefully the Wonkabot can get the same strength from the Boehner Facebook page that little Johnny does….the strength of a thousand cans of spray tan.

ttommyunger January 7, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Anybody but me notice that "Bogart Twitch" Boner does with the pulling the corners of his mouth up every once in a while? Probably why he smokes, drinks and play-acts a lot. This clown was totally taken with Bogart when he was a kid and he's never gotten over it. Cool! He should be dead of lung cancer soon, just like his hero.

Tommmcatt January 7, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Yay! More dildobot!

Rasvar January 7, 2011 at 5:29 pm

The Wonkbot TSA-1138 needs to go on the Daily Show,

lochnessmonster January 7, 2011 at 6:04 pm


Negropolis January 7, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Send her to Colbert!

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