GOP Congress Ratifies Constitution Again Or Something?

• John Boehner will create more jobs today by forcing members of Congress to take turns reading passages from the United States Constitution, because one of the new "rules" is that the 112th Congress has to "do something third graders would do, in social studies class" before they can begin the business of the day (shouting NO!! at each other and shooting rubber bands at the Guam delegates/any brown people sitting politely in the gallery). Another likely explanation for this dumb bullshit exercise is that the new Teabagger Congressmonsters actually think they're voting to ratify the Constitution , and you know how they feel about carefully reading each piece of legislation before voting on it! (This is also why Eric Cantor uploaded the Constitution to his website three days before reading it on the House floor, like an idiot. It's called "transparency," people.)The bad news is that "the Constitution will be read in its most modern, amended form. This will prevent lawmakers from having to recite politically uncomfortable portions." The goddamned Democrats are up to their usual high-jinks and took out all the good parts about slavery at the last second! Send it back to committee and make it right. [ The Hill ]

• The entire world is shocked to learn that Elizabeth Edwards cut her faithful estranged husband out of her will, leaving no money or even adulterous sex tapes for poor John. That's no way to treat a man who was busy ejaculating into other women as you died of cancer. [ CNN ]

• 1,400 more troops are being FedExed to Afghanistan. The senseless bloodlust continues! [ CBS ]