- John Boehner will create more jobs today by forcing members of Congress to take turns reading passages from the United States Constitution, because one of the new “rules” is that the 112th Congress has to “do something third graders would do, in social studies class” before they can begin the business of the day (shouting NO!! at each other and shooting rubber bands at the Guam delegates/any brown people sitting politely in the gallery). Another likely explanation for this dumb bullshit exercise is that the new Teabagger Congressmonsters actually think they’re voting to ratify the Constitution, and you know how they feel about carefully reading each piece of legislation before voting on it! (This is also why Eric Cantor uploaded the Constitution to his website three days before reading it on the House floor, like an idiot. It’s called “transparency,” people.) The bad news is that “the Constitution will be read in its most modern, amended form. This will prevent lawmakers from having to recite politically uncomfortable portions.” The goddamned Democrats are up to their usual high-jinks and took out all the good parts about slavery at the last second! Send it back to committee and make it right. [The Hill]
- The entire world is shocked to learn that Elizabeth Edwards cut her faithful estranged husband out of her will, leaving no money or even adulterous sex tapes for poor John. That’s no way to treat a man who was busy ejaculating into other women as you died of cancer. [CNN]
- 1,400 more troops are being FedExed to Afghanistan. The senseless bloodlust continues! [CBS]
{ 124 comments }
“the Constitution will be read in its most modern, amended form."
which, for them, means leaving out the 13th and 14th amendment
I, for one, think there should be more emphasis on Third Amendment remedies in the new Congress.
you know if every American household quatered some troops, we wouldn't need so many expensive barracks and bases and such-a-matter. With the money saved there and defunding NPR, we could wipe out that nasty old deficit in no time.
Housing troops? Hmmm…not a bad idea. Can I also hold some detainees?
As long as they're not gay sailorz (aren't they all?) , traipsing about the house with while they have boomboxes on their shoulders, playing disco music day and night.
I just don't think I could live with that. I might have to start a revolution–acoustic music only!!!
Lesbo.
Oh please. They can stop reading halfway through the Preamble, since nobody in the GOP seriously believes in forming a more perfect union (bipartisanship), establishing justice (closing Gitmo), or promoting the general welfare (SOCIALISM).
and securing the blessings of liberty to ourselves (and by that they mean white hetero christians)
Teabags can read?
Phoenetically. Ah em un Ah-mair-ick-un.
Wake me up when Boehner starts bawlin'….
You already overslept this time.
You sure you want to disrupt your sleep that much?
On The Takeaway this morning, Celeste Hedly had a major freudian fuckup. Obviously way too sleepy to think, she was mindlessly reading the news and pronounced his name correctly. That is, the Anglo/Saxon way. She corrected it instantly, but this will become one more reason NPR will lose its funding. And the National Endowment for the Arts because, WTF, Teabaggers have enough velvet paintings hanging on their knotty pine paneling.
Read? GOPers?
I expect a lot of the transcript to go,
"uh… uh…. /whispers/ what is this word?"
"The."
"Oh."
God, please let someone slip Bachmann a version with all the "f"s where the "s"s belong. Hearing her say "Thefe United Ftates" would make my life.
Excellent, now we'll have irrefutable evidence that Republicans have absolutely no reading comprehension. HA HA – I'm kidding – we already know that.
Does that picture show Sarah Palin scratching her cootch? Needs embiggening.
I see Sarah Palin and a goat.
Where's Mickey Kaus?
~
Obscured by Lady Liberty's candy-stripe skirt, & prolly blowing said goat.
I thought it was a goddam unicorn!
You mean that the Teabaggers won't be reading the following text?
"Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons."
It was originally in Article I, Section 2, you know, the way the Founding Fathers intended.
But they'll have to read this:
"…no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States."
HA!
Too bad someone didn't bring that up in the recent debate among RNC chair candidates.
I seem to recall CNN and Rick Warren requiring a religious test of Obama and McCain during the campaign. The teabaggers and journalists were silent.
Obama gets a religious test about once a month or so. Lots of pearl clutching over whether he's said the word God enough lately, why he hasn't picked a church in DC, etc.
Teabaggers have no problem with this. You're free to be a fundamentalist protestant or a pre-Vatican II Catholic. Jews, meh, okay as long as they raise lots of money and want to bomb Iran.
This thread has become the revenge of the history majors, who have had to live through all the smarty-pants English majors' references to obscure pieces of literature.
While we're on the topic, hey–let's talk about the Industrial Revolution in Britain! And the Gladstone/Disraeli competition.
No? Okay, then. I'll stick to late 18th. Century America, which is a lot more than these uneducated morans are going to do.
But their only reading the parts they like, right? 2nd amendment is always a hit and everybody (gun)fights over it. But what about the icky parts that need changing, like the 16th amendment or whatever? They should read the part that condemns teh gheys all together — like the lord's prayer.
"the Constitution will be read in its most modern, amended form. This will prevent lawmakers from having to
recite politically uncomfortable portionsacknowledge the indisputable fact that the original, 1787 Constitution was not a perfect document and sometimes needs to be carefully amended and interpreted in light of current reality, not the wistful rantings of fanatical, anachronistic Teabaggers."Fixed.
Is that a Unigoat in the picture?
1,400 more troops!
SURGE!
This reading of the Constitution will go just fine until the word "Constitution" in the Preamble triggers about an hour of Beavis and Butthead giggling when some Republican says "You said 'tit'" just after that word is spoken by the clerk.
Article 1, section 8 might be a little hard for them to swallow (and about Rethugs, that's saying something)
Joe Wilson will stand up and say, "You lie!"
It mentions both taxes and welfare, two of their least favorite things.
Oh, and you libertarian morons who claim the Constitution enshrines your pseudo-philosophy? Read that section; it allows everything you don't like. If you want a document that reflects your wrongheaded beliefs, look to the Articles of Confederation, which were disastrous.
& it seems, in broad meaure, the 2nd Amendment is as much a clarification of this
as it is anything else.
Well, goddam, I've got to drag out my copy, which is nothing but the original document that's an appendix to "Plain, Honest, Men." How many of the Teatard congressmen will doze off during the long, boring recitation of how elections are to be conducted?
Seriously. It's boring.
I hope they've got a full-on Teatard lined up to read the Preamble. When they get to that bolshi "promote the general welfare" bit it'll sound like they have a chicken bone stuck in their throat … until they remember that's just the part that requires Jesus and the NRA.
Your new Congress, ladies and gentlemen: get ready for two years of nonstop pointless grandstanding stunts.
& they'll be rewarded with an even larger majority for it, in 2012. Plus the presidency.
This message brought to you by Mitch Daniels for President 2012. Say 'hello' to my li'l friend. Howard Roark, treasurer.
Boy, I can't wait 'til King L'Orange reaches into his magic vault and pulls jerbs for everybody. Problem solved!
He's going to be reaching into the vault and pulling on something.
John Boehner's gonna be surprised when he learns the Constitution doesn't really say "We hold these truths to be self-evident." What a colossally stupid orange McDipshit.
If the day begins with goat and gun porn, it's going to be a good day!
Call me a degenerate, but I'd rather open my day with a viewing of GOATSE & a performance of "Love Gun" by Mini-KISS.
Degenerate.
200 years from now, historical re-enactors will also decide to ignore the uncomfortable fact of our orange speaker. But seriously, you'd think the GOP would be taking advantage of the ability to say the US only has 3/5 of a President.
Ok, that picture. I see lots of tea bagger wet dreams in there but I don't understand the inclusion of a billy goat wearing a necklace. Perhaps the "artist" was a fan of Navy football?
“the Constitution will be read in its most modern, amended form."
There's a King James version of the Constitution?
Fuck reading the Constitution! Get to repealing all that shit!
Let's face it folks, this new Congress is bound to give us at least several years of hilarity and many pee points all around.
But will we be able to barter them for food?
What is the exchange rate for pee points and food?
A quart of pee (25) is worth one cup of Krauthammer Slurry, I think. Though that may have been before the awful Peeconomic Downturn last year.
Really? So what does the new Godstitution say? Have we been endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable boobs? My representatitual person, Mr. Joe Wilson, will heckle?
The good news is, as long as they're spending time on grandstandy, showboaty, teabaggy bullshit like this, they're not writing laws. Because apparently Republicans have no interest in governing even now that they're the majority.
Eh, I'll take my wins where I can get them.
Which ReThug is gonna read the 16th Amendment that allowed an income tax?
Too bad the RePugs didn't Rastafy the Constitution.
♪♫ Said, said, said I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown ♫♪
Seriously, we have a new employee that signed his W-4 and then wrote underneath "SIGNED UNDER DURESS BECAUSE I NEEDED THE JOB. INCOME TAX IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL."
It was a "facepalm" moment.
They should have canned his ass right then, right there. With that attitude, he probably won't be around long anyway, but that should have been a great big, no-yellow-star red flag for the idiot. Rebels make lousy employees.
Newly elected NJ Congressman John Runyan wants to know who that hottie is with the woman in the red striped skirt.
He's just looking for the tax break for putting that goat on his lawn to make his house a "farm."
So you know a couple of our prior Governors.
And the current one — who will eat that goat if Runyan (my rep, too!) doesn't get it first.
those are some hefty gams on teatard lady liberty.
as it should be, for goat wrangling.
It's Bristol for sure. Does "wrangling" mean what I think it does?
I see that the new GOP freshmen have their first official scandal. Seems David Rivera did some too-obvious back scratching in the Florida State legistature. A dog track paid Rivera's godmother $500,000 and he then pushed their interests.
Needs moar underage boys.
On FOX, of course, he'll be identified as "incoming freshman House member David Rivera (D-FL)".
The more responsible POLITICO will only go so far as to call Mr Rivera a "RINO".
You gotta love the Family Values party.
Rivera has family values. He made sure the kickbacks went to his godmother, after all.
Yes – he seems to value her quite a lot.
What's up with John Orange Crush and the ginormous gavel? Is he having King Kong over for some fresh walnuts?
Some Teabagger is going to give his own spin on 13th amendment and say that they MEANT to say that white men could have slaves. They will probably all rush out to the streets and grab the first non-white that they see and tell them that their name is now "Toby" and they are going home with them in chains.
Maybe they'll be skipping over the "no religious test" clause and the establishment clause of the First Amendment.
isn't that a form of interpretation? and didn't Scalia just say the constitution ain't open to no dern interpretatin'?!?
logic. tis confusing.
Hey, it's simple; "person" clearly means "straight men, but we'll include the negroes from now on".
Also skipping:14th, 16th, 19th…
Thats a genuinely majestic-looking goat right there, is all I know. That is a proud, handsome goat. No way that any bridge-troll would be eating that goat there.
Dramatic reading or STFU. Boehner can play Frodo. And Bachmann can be that dude who says "precious" a lot.
Wait, what?
Are they going to read the cross-outs and interlineations? The parts where Jesus had to go back and make corrections as he was writing it?
In the beginning there were General Motors, General Dynamics, and General Electric and word was Profit.
The Constitution is practically perfect in every possible way. And the Founding Fathers, like Baby Jesus, never, ever make mistakes.
Lady Liberty up-top looks a bit… well… swarthy. Might just be Italian — Ciccolina? — but I don't know. Could be an honey-trap from the Mau-Mau 5th Column (that has already taken our White House (something not even the Brits could do, though they did burn it, in 1814)).
Best. Artwork. Ever.
Having those dimwits read the Constitution is like giving a dog a bag of flour and asking it to make a loaf of bread.
Somewhere, James Madison is laughing his ass off.
Either that, or hanging himself.
Madison would actually like these guys. Strict constutitionalist he was. Meanwhile, poor Alexander Hamilton's bullet-ridden corpse is rolling in its grave.
& the whole planter thing.
JM would have known where to tell Barack & Michelle to get to.
So, who's gonna break the news to newcomer Allen West that he only gets 3/5ths of a vote now, as per the founding fathers' constitutional commandments? I suggest using Boner's Giant Gavel for a fun watermelon smashing afterwards to break the awkwardness.
Allen West has a little Black Gallagher in him, so he'll just shoot the damn melons.
I'm a-wonderin' why Lady Liberty seems to have man legs. Or are my eyes failing?
If living means I can't have a poster-sized version of that picture on my wall, then I ain't alive.
Great. Now the Schoolhouse Rock version of the Preamble to the Constitution is running through my head, and I can't make it stop.
Oh great, now I am thinking of "conjunction junction" (what's your function?)
That goat is pretty cool and the knife strapped to her mighty thigh is a lovely touch but I really want to know where I can get that blue jacket.
I hereby dub the lady in the picture there "Lady Libtardy"
Does the goat turn into a unicorn once it walks through the gates of Libertyland? Who has the acid – I want some.
Only 1,400 new troops — that's barely enough to cover suicides. Come on, the SURGE is working, and success is just around the corner, and we have just turned the corner. Uh, maybe the next corner. Yeah, just one more corner and … hmm, weird, this looks familiar.
…who's that up ahead, turning that corner?
Oh. Just us. Never mind.
If I were Elizabeth Edwards, I would have willed him a pen, some paper and a loaded revolver engraved 'Final Solution'.
Wait til these shitheads find out the constitution doesn't have pictures!
"1,400 more troops are being FedExed to Afghanistan."
Its cheaper than flying the entire country to Guantanamo.
Is that the new cheerleader outfit for the Patriots or the Bills? I'd go with liberty battle panties instead of the flag sarong. And those legs make me afraid she'd snap my spine missionarying me–or that I'd be the patsy for "hide the snake" instead of the other way 'round.
I think that chick got crabs…..
Posturing is great political theater; plus it puts off the ugly parts like depriving children of health care, old folk of retirement money and brown people of everything. Its a dirty job, but the Repugs have to do it; it's their mandate.
Not that we shouldn't get lost in the thicket of House of Representative priapism, but the Edwards story deserves note: those kids, including the two minor children, may have been left the Estate of the late Elizabeth, but assuming John Edwards remains guardian of Emma & John, he'll have access to their accounts. Even if the will might seem iron-clad. Remember: as much as Elizabeth Edwards was a lawyer, so was John. I'm sure he'll come up with something sheisty to get his hands on some of that gelt.
Finally, we'll find out where they see that "America is a Christian nation" stuff.
The GOP keep using the condescending "adult conversation" talking point, so I gather this reading of the Constitution is the bedtime story for the childish, bratty Democrats who keep refusing to go to bed on time. Democrats, always whining for a glass of water and can't you pleeaasse leave the light on in the hallway. But so cute when they sleep!
Remember the last time the grown-ups came back? We got the Bush-43 White House.
Youz wonketeers haz the mostest awesome graphics!!
I gave in and turned on C-SPAN. This is like an assembly of high school honor students competing for the DAR history award. (One of the notches in my belt, I'll have you know. Sadly, even in OK it didn't come with a gigantic, shiny belt buckle).
“the Constitution will be read in its most modern, amended form."
And Mark Twain takes another spin in his grave.
YES IT'S TRUE I AM CREATING JOBS TODAY.
BLOW JOBS.
NOW GET IN THE BACK OF THE LINE OF LOBBYIESTS OVER THERE STRETCHING AROUND THE BLOCK…
I think the crazy birther-lady interrupting from the gallery says all you need to know about Republicans. They can't even navigate the reading of the Constitution without their fringe hijacking their hi-jinks. And that, my friends, is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. That, and the fact that their fringe actually gets fucking elected to high office.
The Constitution has great fahn laigs and cowboy boots with boot guns! The Constitution has a thigh knife and a submachine gun with a long magazine! The Constitution has a center slit to the hoo-hoo skirt, large tits and a red bustier! The Constitution has a big goat?
Wow. That's a 244K jpg. You're my hero Riley. Back in 15 minutes. I'm going to Libertyland!
And somewhere in Montana, a smirk cracks across the disquietingly thin face of a war-criminal cyborg.
Really, who would have guessed that that moment of Democratic magnaminity (towards Republicans, that is, not the victims) wouldn't be reciprocated a few years later? Why next, you're going to suggest that Republicans somehow lack disincentive to do it all again, more brazenly, the next time they take the White House.
You know who else never became a member of a DC parish?
Michelle Bachmann?
Oh, you meant that dead Austrian fellow.
The thing about Ms Portman & her on-screen canoodling: in her most recent two films, she has become involved with Mila Kunis (Black Swan) & Ashton Kutcher (No Strings Attached (in theatres January 28th, I think)). It seems she's intent on cinematic flings with the cast of That 70s Show. In which case, if your name is Topher Grace, Danny Masterson, or Wilmer Valderrama, you'll going to be fake wanting some, getting some.
No. Reagan.
Hey, film buff: get your ass off this thread or STFU. You're fucking up the history majors' one chance to show off. Next thing we know, the english majors will be back in charge and we'll all be talking about Huck Finn.
Reagan was Austrian? Who knows? Have you seen his birth certificate? And if you have, can anyone read Aramaic anymore?
Nah, this isn't Breitbart. Apparently, this is basically all they're talking about over there, no matter how unrelated the topic, because now they can't even pretend they were quoting Huck Finn, when someone overhears them using that word.
Comments on this entry are closed.