Someone is videotaping me, in my spaceship.How bad are things out there this evening, terror-wise? Super bad! In Florida, there is an orange alligator loose. Who would make such a monster? No god we know, that is for sure. Not in America. Also, in the most American fast food place (Baja Fresh) in some mall in some Arizona turd town, a gunman went nuts. Nobody knows what he wanted. More tacos? Probably more tacos.

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  • Lazy Media

    Poor gator. You know some other asshole is going to try to paint it garnet and gold now.

    • gvvt

      Worse – it's Speaker of the House.

  • The recent freeze has severely affected the Orange Alert crop.

  • PsycWench

    He's the new Speaker of the Alligator House.

    • samsuncle

      Orange you witty!

      • Negropolis

        Orange you glad that you didn't say banana?

    • deelzebub

      Nope, that's the Speaker of the House Of Congress. He truly is a lizard person. That video was taken near his summer house in Florida.

  • SmutBoffin

    Well, tacos are good.

    • themcwow

      From Baja Fresh?

      • Blendergoathead

        Exactly. He probably wanted *good* tacos, and everyone who made good tacos fled the state or were deported.

        Brewer has blood on her hands. And salsa. Also

        • themcwow

          She has Aqua Net for brains—remember that debate? Or maybe it's Fresca. McMenamins are better brewers.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Homicidally good!

  • Spanky2a

    This is SPEZACKLY why Arizona needs a 100' fence w/ machine gun towers and laser weapons on the border with Mexico.

    • Kevin Stowell

      Fuckin' A, Dewd!

    • BeWoot

      Whereas California, Nevada, Utah and New Mexico need a 100' fence around Arizona because … political herpes.

    • salt_bagel

      No need for the fence. Church undergarments will protect us from the heathen Messkins–OW–WAIT–THE BULLETS–WHY AREN'T THE UNDERGARMENTS HELPING??!!

    • Hey you stole that comment from Redstate.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Deliverance, yes. We are all Ned Beatty now.

  • hagajim

    The gator was just celebrating Boehner day in America. The guy in Mexico (I mean AZ.) he just wanted to be an Arizonan.

  • fuflans

    this is all because our taxes are too high.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      I thought the rent was too goddamn high.

      • fuflans

        that was in the OLD congress. now we're all supply side all the time.

  • Is the orange part a sign that the oompa loompas are taking over?

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I thought everyone in AZ got to carry guns in order to protect themselves from random shootouts. And Messicans.

  • the_problem_child

    I've decided the combination of crawl and voice means I will have to watch each of these terrifying episodes twice, because I'm just not that swift.

  • rocktonsam

    On the bright side, $arah Palin hasn't twatted anything today yet.

    • angryclownspawn


    • Terry

      Taco Bell must have given out free coupons

    • GunTotingProgressive

      You just weren't paying attention. She gave some sort of shout-out to spkr Boehner (spanker?).

  • V572625694

    Ken's human portion is shrinking as the AI device pervades his consciousness. Soon the snark will be the only "human" portion remaining.

  • JustPixelz

    I guess the threat level really is orange.

  • Dang, I thought there was a missing orange gator – you can't have the blue gator without the orange gator to match – Oraaange and bluuuuuuuue GO GATORS!!!!

    • Pragmatist2

      Sorry. No one on this site has the slightest idea what you are talking about. We all went to Division1-AA schools.

      • Apparently it's one of the signs of the apocalypse – much like the white buffalo is a sign of peace or something, the orange gator will bring about the end of the world (and maybe a Gator win next season).

      • Sophist FCD

        Plus, we're all faggy liberal elites who watch futbol or cricket or whatever instead of virile, Amurikan sports about muscular men in tight pants groping each other and getting arrested on weapons charges.

      • SecretMuslin

        Division 3 right here! My all-girl high school had a bigger football team than my college.

  • nappyduggs

    "Take the money."

    "You think I'm a thief? Oh, you see, I'm not the thief. I'm not the one charging 85 cents to add avocado. You're the thief. I'm just standing up for my rights as a consumer."

  • Well Boner was complaining about needing some protection to be able to move around in that libtard muck that the DeRats left. Thought he meant gaiters not gators.

    Mehbee John-Boy will be thinkin' to get this critter signed-up as a new House Parliamentarian. Sullivan has been there since 2004, but the Parliamentarian serves at the Speaker's pleasure, so Agent Orange could make this move to give his new rules some teeth. Neilist, we may need you in the House gallery in a few weeks.

  • Ooh, lots of 0 thumbs. Looks like you all got a visit from the troll fairy.

    Anyway, who needs a reason to shoot up a fast food joint anymore. I think most people do it just for sport now.

    • Too sad they are too shy and only know how to clickie the downthumb. We haven't had an intellectual impalement in a while.

    • PsycWench

      I guess the truth hurts, even when expressed through snark.

    • deelzebub

      This is why I always do drive-thru. You are harder to shoot if you are a moving target.

    • mumbly_joe

      Ah, I thought i noticed a bit of hate-fistery afoot this evening. Too bad I was so busy out and about, enjoying life like a normal human being, to give a shit.

  • edgydrifter

    If you draw a line between Beebe, AR (birdpocalypse) and Venice, FL (boehnergator), you pass right through Grenada, MS–it's true! Grenada, as you know, features a nutmeg on it's flag. And where is the nutmeg state? Connecticut! And you know who's from Connecticut?

    WAKE UP AMERICA! The Zionists and the Council on Foreign Relations have finally joined forces! This is the FIRST SIGN!!

    • StillGoinGreen

      Wow, that actually makes sense to me – I need to put the bong down and walk away, SLOWLY!

    • Go to bed Glenn.

  • Spanky2a

    Never had alligator tacos. Green or red sauce?

    • LionelHutzEsq


    • Mahousu

      Definitely green. Red and orange clash.

      If you need a data point, I actually did have alligator sausage in New Orleans once, and it was served with a green pepper sauce. So go green!

  • LionelHutzEsq

    First they came for the Speaker of the House.

    Then they came for the Alligators.

    Soon, everyone in America will be orange.

  • DCHatesMe

    Also, orange man scares away girl while sadly melting

  • BarackMyWorld

    Nice to see both C-Span and TCM were showing people getting raped by rednecks.

  • OzoneTom

    Looks like the alligator got into some Corexit.

  • catchtheflava

    That video was a disturbing po-mo commentary on social automation and isolation in the face of orange 'gators and Baja Fresh gunmen. It definitely left me with a creepy-crawly, "I just watched some secret video shot by a serial killer that was never meant to see the light of day" feeling.

  • xsluggo

    When is it running for speaker?

  • MinAgain

    That's not a real alligator. That's the latest Chia Pet.

  • JackObin

    Florida and Arizona are two obvious examples why too much sun is not a good thing.

  • Sassomatic

    Yet another argument to stick to BBQ joints.

  • Sophist FCD

    That doomsday billboard cult is looking less and less crazy every day.

    Also, the Boehnigator needs it's own blingee. Now.

  • Well, who hasn't gotten all shooty-level mad in Baja Fresh when some schmuck is taking forever to fill up a couple of those tiny plastic containers at the salsa bar? Mild or hot! Those are your choices! Come on already!

    Slightly OT, but there is an overweight woman sitting on the patio at Starbucks drinking some kind of calorie-heavy frappuccino, smoking, and reading a copy of Reason. I'd engage her in a health care debate but I'm afraid if she's ever possessed any irony she probably ate it.

    • StillGoinGreen

      I'm a fatty and I prefer Coke Zero. It is more a statement about my future, though.

    • WriteyWriterton

      I don't think it's an coincidence that so many conservatards are fat. The fat rolls around the neck – I'm looking at YOU, Governor Barbour – impede the flow of blood-born oxygen to the brain. You got your hypo-oxygenation, you got your Reason.

  • smokefilledroommate

    Chandler is wannabe Scottsdale, so it's more or less a peanut encrusted high-fallutin' turd town with a Nordstrom's.

    • jqheywood

      I remember when Chandler was a one-stop light cowtown crossroads with the Tex Ernhardt Ford dealership out in the middle of the cotton fields. And that ain't no bull…(that last bit is a mandatory Tex reference for old time Zonies)

  • undeterredbyreality

    Nah, after Cheney finished all the tomato sauce in Wyoming, he headed to AZ for some decent salsa & chips. Finding none, he pulled out his gun.

  • Tommmcatt

    That is the worst gay porn I have ever seen. Why is the dildo talking?

  • Did somebody say blingee Boehnergator?

    • Sophist FCD

      Just some jackass.

      (I particularly like the Spongebob getting struck by lightning part. So true.)

  • smokefilledroommate

    Here's some guy asking if there's a 'back door' uh, exit while trapped in Frederick's of Hollywood. Witnesses say he escaped fabulously…

    • Tommmcatt

      Good God, that's terrifying!

      • smokefilledroommate

        Actually, it is. I'm drunk and I hate living in Arizona–color me jaded.

    • StillGoinGreen

      My wife (when she was still my hot little POA girlfriend – 20 years ago) was sitting two tables down from girl who was killed execution style at a mall food court in Irving, TX. She still won't even use the toilets in a food court. I told her that I pray that will happen to me each time she drags me to a mall.

  • That newsreader sounded great until the helium ran out toward the end.

  • ttommyunger

    Hence the term: "Alligator Tears", Pilgrims. You're welcome….BTW, I resents the allegations and I resents the Alligator!

  • Neilist

    A word of advice to you Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM?

    When the "KenLayne" AI — also known as W.O.P.R. — asks "Do you want to play Global Thermonuclear War" . . . just say "No."

    And Run Awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

    • That robot does have a DARPA look in its eyes. Kinda like the 1,000 yd stare in Nam, but colder.

    • That robot does have a DARPA look in its eyes. Kinda like the 1,000 yd stare in Nam, but colder.

      • StillGoinGreen

        I sez it so nice I haz to sez it TWICE!!

    • Get real, Neil.

      Ken is teh suXX0rz at WOPR.

  • PublicLuxury

    Orange is the new black. Doesn't every woman own a little orange dress?

  • mourningnmerica

    I just got home from the grocery store. The Enquirer cover says Sarah Palin is a homosexual. Honest. This is not a gag. I would pay a hundred increasingly less valuable American Dollars to watch her and Michelle Bachmann doing stuff. OK, so this comment does not follow the subject, but hey, I just got home and I had to tell somebody. This is BIG. It makes me want to go out and purchase a copy of OUI magazine.

    • HempDogbane

      I, too, just got home from the grocery store and did not fail to notice the Palin homosexuality. Also, squash is marked way down and I got the last two spaghetti ones.

      • mourningnmerica


    • Neilist

      There IS a "Penthouse Forum" letter in there somewhere.

      Not that I ever read Penthouse Forum, that is.

      "But I was a political operative in a small, mid-west Alaska town, and I never thought the following would happen to me . . . ."

      [Frantically cribbing from one of the greatest works in the history of American fiction . . . .

      • mourningnmerica

        Thanks for the reply. Hey, I laughed until my diaphagm went into spasm. I have already forwarded it to a bunch of friends. Great stuff. I have already resolved to utilize the phrase "I want you to wreck it" from this point forward in my life, whenever possible.

    • transfatz
  • voodooeconomics

    Wonkbot could be a member of Mystery Theater 3000. The low budget version; very low budget.

  • PublicLuxury

    I don't wanna die. I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAHAHAHHHHAAAAaaaahhhhhha Orange aligators and red white and blue elephants brown preznit AAAAHHHHHAHAHAAAHHHHHHHHHHaaaaaaahhhhhhh

  • Perhaps the gator is a genetic experiment gone wrong. Don't they always?
    The idea was to create an alligator that grows in its own taco sauce. After it has grown to term in 2 weeks, all you need to do is get the poor mutant to crawl into a meat grinder and BAM or SQUISH! Instant taco meat.
    No wonder this guy was shooting up Baja Fresh, he knew too much.


    • PsycWench

      What does that mean for pink tacos?

  • WriteyWriterton

    I'm sorry I'm late. I couldn't find a parking space. Is there any salsa left? If not, the shooting-shootyness begins 3…2…1…NOW.

  • AddHomonym

    Needz moar ceiling fan. And it's "tacoes" also, yes?

  • What was the number for the free sexy toys again?

  • Way OT, of course, but I just noticed that Ken Layne is an anagram for El Kenyan

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