wizarding wars

Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors

Pissing it all away.Christine O’Donnell’s lawyer has told the FEC that she will be going through O’Donnell’s campaign spending records to “fix” things. So the FBI really doesn’t even need to investigate her, because all of the money spent on her daily stock of Lean Cuisines will suddenly be moved under some innocuous-sounding part of the records. Everything is all fixed! Christine O’Donnell did have a way to make a living during all those years running for the Senate, and it wasn’t taking money out of her campaign contributions or selling stories about her pubic hair to Gawker. This was all one big misunderstanding! Though when this sort of thing happens, it just makes you sound more guilty.

In a letter to the FEC dated Dec. 21, Ms. Mitchell said that Ms. O’Donnell, who became the GOP nominee but lost the November election, “did not have the funds prior to the 2010 primary in September, 2010 to retain professional compliance vendors and counsel. Since the general election on November 2, 2010, the Committee’s compliance team has undertaken the task of going back to the beginning of the election cycle to reconcile all entries in the bank account to the FEC reports and is in the process of preparing amendment(s) to the previously filed reports as necessary.”

In other words, O’Donnell probably did not have enough money before the primary to hire a lawyer, because she was spending all her campaign funds on the aforementioned Lean Cuisines. But after the primary, she had enough money to hire people to cover up evidence (with magic lawyer spells) of the Lean Cuisines.

But c’mon, isn’t important to any Senate campaign to keep its candidates nourished and off the streets? These are fair expenditures, if people are really stupid enough to give this woman money to represent them in government. [WSJ]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • angryclownspawn

    Well, sure, who HASN'T gone back and changed the record after they embezzled a bunch of money. Maybe she really is us. Or Arthur Anderson. Or some other rich wall street bastard who rips off people who think they are going to spend the money in some other responsible way. Whatever.

    • Extemporanus

      "I'm not a rich…I'm you."

    • V572625694

      This is the kind of thing "professional compliance vendors" get paid for.

    • Sophist FCD

      Well, sure, who HASN'T gone back and changed the record after they embezzled a bunch of money.

      Well, yeah, but traditionally you don't say to the authorities "excuse me while I go falsify these records" and then lock yourself in a broom closet for three hours with a pen and a bottle of white-out.

      • dyedwool

        Well, you do if you're a dumbass. And/or Christine O'Donnell.

  • ttommyunger

    Makes perfect sense to me, I'm sure this will fly, no problem.

    • Not_So_Much

      This will be a "re-imagining", like that last Star Trek movie. (but with waaay less hot, alien sexxy time)

      • ttommyunger

        Lawyers! What will those scamps be up to next?

    • dyedwool

      'Course it'll fly. Have broomstick, will travel.

      • ttommyunger

        And I know where that stick is planted; permanently.

    • ttommyunger

      Face it, Lefty, would YOU hire her?

      • zhubajie

        She can sweep the crackers from my bed anytime; I'm sure she's only virginal is some ways and not in others.

        • ttommyunger

          She could be enjoyable, but she would have to promise never to speak.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Can you amend a crime?

    • Not_So_Much

      Is she Republican? (Don't you hate people that answer a question with another question?)

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    She's no welfare queen. Cause she's white and conservative. Everyone knows that conservative white people are the best at managing money and following the rules.

    • genxr

      So good, that they don't need to be investigated or examined in any way.

    • JustPixelz

      Like the difference between white "foragers" and black "looters" after Katrina.

    • Terry

      She's white, conservative, and cute. If she was toothless from some hollow in Appalachia, she'd be treated like a minority. Unless, of course, she wore a tea bagger t-shirt and had a meth lab in her trailer, then she'd be a libertarian hero over on Reason.com.

    • OneDollarJuana

      And she doesn't drive a Cadillac.

  • nounverb911

    Sorry you don't get your second chance until after you get out of prison.

  • Tommmcatt

    Lean Cuisine sucks.

    • elviouslyqueer

      So does Christine. But Lean Cuisine's technique is much, much better.

      • binarian

        I for, one, would be willing to provide her with a test environment in which she could improve her technique.

        • BarryOPotter

          F'ing humanitarian you are. Hope your magic is strong, because when that libido wakes, you'll be knee deep in the middle of Lake Crazy with the water rising fast and the shore far, far away, and you'd better be able to "Accio Broom" like a muthafuq or the O'Donnell Jungle's gonna suck you in and that's all she wrote, brah!

        • lulzmonger

          Unless Trojan now makes a Kevlar model, that's a very stupid brave offer indeed.

          • binarian

            I know……I'm afraid I'm displaying masochistic tendencies….

  • SorosBot

    Well sure she didn't know how to comply with the law, I mean it's not like she ran twice before and should have known how to do so already.

    • angryclownspawn

      How could anyone have possibly thought she wasn't qualified to serve in Congress?

    • ChessieNefercat

      Not knowing how to comply with the law is a perfect basis for assuming that you are qualified to create law! That can-do attitude worked for every other knothead that made it into congress. See ya in 2012, Christine!

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Can someone explain to me just what the fuck "the law" has to do with being a Senator, anyway?

    • Not_So_Much

      Another witch performed a memory spell on her since then. Probably came free with the hymen-regeneration hex.

  • mog253

    Or any other kind of science for that matter. Case Closed.

  • mog253

    Insert appropriate "ignorance of the law" snark here.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Ignorance of the existing laws does not preclude having the ability to devise new ones?

  • jodyleek

    Christine wants to know if you can cook the books in the microwave along with the Hot Pocket.

    • genxr

      Only if she bought that hot pocket with campaign funds.

      • jus_wonderin

        That does give me an idea. Maybe CO could sell her hotpocket for cash.

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          I'd buy her a drink or two for her hotpocket.

    • Weenus299

      Maybe he's going to toss the stash in the Deep Woods Hot Pocket.

      • SorosBot

        The Deep Woods Hot Pocket is her vagina.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    Usually th FBI drops an investigation if the sus[ect assures them everything is ok. It's pretty thoughtful of her to save them all that trouble.

    • MiniMencken

      Certainly been my experience.

  • Steverino247

    I guess if she had O's that picture would be a good O Face, don't you think, guys?

    • undeterredbyreality

      Yes indeedy. Where are her hands, anyway?

      • genxr

        CO: Excuse me, may I use the restroom?
        Host: Of course
        (long pause)
        CO: Thank you

      • mereoblivion

        They're counting how many O's she's had this millennium.

    • Extemporanus

      Alright, Steverino, you asked for it:

      A Christine O'Donnell doppelgänger [YUM-]O-face montage!

      • Steverino247

        Wow. I'm impressed with that montage! The best comment on the video was the one about how many people are jerking off to it.

        • Crank_Tango

          well I was going to ask if it was OK to be jerking off to that, but I am just gonna go ahead and not worry about it then.

    • BarackMyWorld
  • SudsMcKenzie

    A campaign finance record in the hand is worth two in the bush.

    • FlyOverGirl

      In this case, that's a whole lotta bush.

  • Gorillionaire

    OT but if you were watching cable news today you would think that they are coronating the fucking Queen of England today.

    • SexySmurf

      Nah, just the Queen of Ohio.

    • Weenus299

      A simple Orangeman in the humble service of God and Country.

    • Not_So_Much

      Way more orange and way less testosterone.

  • jakegittes

    Where in the constitution does it say you can't buy Lean Cuisine with campaign money?

    • dyedwool

      Right after it says Browns and people with vaginas can cover themselves with it. The Constitution, I mean. Not Lean Cuisines. Although that should probably be in there too.

  • SorosBot

    Based on Ms. Mitchell's belief that the FBI will allow Christine to go back and cook the books if she asked nicely, while O'Donnell now has the funds to retain a compliance lawyer she still doesn't have a good one.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Dear FEC:

    We will not be cooking the books, we shall merely poach them in a vegetable broth, to be served on a bed of red couscous and wild mushrooms.

    Honestly,
    Miz Mitchell, Esq.

  • edgydrifter

    You know, maybe she really isn't a witch, because if she is she's doing a crap job of it.
    "These are not the financial records you're looking for…"
    "Uh, yes they are, Ms. O'Donnell."
    "I can go about my business…"
    "You have the right to remain silent, Ms. O'Donnell."

  • GuanoFaucet

    "But after the primary, she had enough money to hire people to cover up evidence (with magic lawyer spells) of the Lean Cuisines."

    Everything's cool. The prosecution will counter the defense's "Touch of Idiocy" by casting "Dispel Dumbass" or putting up an "Anti-Fucktard Field".

    • hagajim

      I thought she could probably cover up the evidence with her big ol' ass…oh wait – the evidence is her big ol' ass.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    If at first you don't succeed, lie and then try to cover it up

    • dyedwool

      Miss, you are no Bush (pick your number) Administration…

  • SexySmurf

    Cleta Mitchell is a terrible name for a familiar.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Familiar? or Inept?

    • jus_wonderin

      Honestly sounds like something that requires antibiotics.

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Cleta Mitchell is a terrible name for Anything! Seriously, Cleta?

  • fuflans

    to be fair, christine doesn't really know the precious, precious constitution. you can't expect her to be up on FEC law as well can you?

  • Redhead

    Now she just needs to cast a memory spell to make the investigators forget about this little discussion (or one of those flashy pens from "Men in Black").

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    At least in prison she ought to learn some bankable skills. She's unemployable AND inept as a grifter as things stand right now.

    • Boredw/Gravity

      That hasn't hurt Sarah or Bristol Palin's careers at all.

    • SorosBot

      And at a woman's prison she'll have no problem keeping to her pledge of technical virginity.

    • Crank_Tango

      and she is finally gonna learn her way around a pussy.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Her lawyer might be able to get rid of this problem, but can she get rid of the image of Christine kanoodling with a pudding cup beard out of my head? And isn't that enough reason to throw her in jail?

    • zhubajie

      Pudding Cup Beard is a eunuch for Christ, don'tchknow?

  • JustPixelz

    This is like a real-life remake of Mel Brooks' "The Producers" – raise money, put on a sure-fire flop ("Springtime for Hitler"), walk away. No one looks at the books.

    • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

      Referenced and blogged on 12/30/2010

  • undeterredbyreality

    Well, I know I need a nice car to get clients, nice clothes to look good, good food to keep well nourished, and a roof over my head to keep from the cold in order to go to work each day, which is why I deduct each and every one of these items on my tax returns. All work-related expenses, of course.

    And, to keep working, I need to chill, so the X and the booze and the weed all get included as well. I'm surprised I can be so productive on so little actual income…

    • bitchincamaro2

      You may as well change your avatar to a red flag, right now.

  • genxr

    She was supposed to get a Brazilian after she lost…

    /fixed

    • HolyMaracas

      …a Brazilian wax?
      "When her underwear came off, I immediately noticed that the waxing trend had completely passed her by." (via Gawker)

  • jakegittes

    She's definitely got the butt for wearing a thong on those Rio beaches.

  • randoracer

    I'm returning that package of Ho-Hos to the store right now so as not to be investigated for shoplifting. Sure, the product inside has been consumed, but it's the thought that counts, right?

  • twogoats

    Where in the Constitution does it say separation of personal and campaign expenses?

  • mereoblivion

    How many is a Brazilian, again?

    • BarryOPotter

      'bout a Donna

  • HedonismBot

    Lean Cuisines are not an allowable campaign expenditure. Meth is. Fortunately, she saved her meth receipts. All good.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Actually, things look good for Christine. All the incriminating Lean Cuisine evidence went down the toilet.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Christine who?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Lawyer “Seriously Christine, $44,569.52 for a Brazilian wax?”
    Christine “Yes, there were uh, complications.”

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Brazilian wax job?? I thought she weaved a raffia basket with them and sold it on eBay to buy her Lean Cuisines.

    • Flat_Earther

      Can we see before and after pictures of the waxing?

  • Tengu

    "I'm not a <s>witch</s> crook."

  • Tengu

    "I'm not a witch crook."

  • Callyson

    Well, what did Christine O'Donnell's contributors think their money was going to be used for? Voter education and outreach or something boring like that? Come on, FBI, have a sense of humor…think of how much more fun we can have if she runs again…

    • PresBeeblebrox

      How about rallies at restaurants owned by the Heathen Chinee?

    • Steverino247

      I'm sorry. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor that I'm aware of.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    She's missing the point. She needs to get with the *Al Capone*-inspired gangstah retort I paid my taxes.

  • HolyMaracas

    In the words of "blue collar" comedian Ron White, "you can't fix stupid!"

    • Jukesgrrl

      No, but you can put it on television for all to see and people will throw money at it.

  • undeterredbyreality

    OKAY: OFF TOPIC BUT:

    SnarkoMarx: I hereby relinquish my former avatar (We Are Doomed) which you socialistically acquired through the beer-hall putsch on Krystolnacht sometime after I started using it. For the record, I do not agree that identities are something that should be shared with the communisties; however, I have now adopted a new one. Don't steal my face (again)!

    • Crank_Tango

      thanks for making me feel already stoned. i don't understand ANY of that.

  • Wilcoxyz

    "Professional compliance vendor" is the RNC expense account term for dominatrix, right?

    • BarryOPotter

      "And thus concludes tonight's session of 'Questions for Michael.' Good night, and God speed."

  • Pragmatist2

    There's no honesty as touching as retroactive honesty.

  • el_donaldo

    Aurors?

    • lulzmonger

      http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Auror

      Don't know Harry Potter for shit but I can Google like a Jedi.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      That's right Scooby, auditors!

    • BarryOPotter

      "Aurors! Blades out! Shit's 'bout to get rrrrreeeaaaaalll!!!!"

  • Weenus299

    What, no "hide the receipts and extra cash in the Deep Woodsy cave" comment? Only the TSA would want to rifle through that.

    No, I would too. I admit it.

  • Sassomatic

    Doesn't the FBI have anything better to do than enforce the law? They should be proving that Obama was born in Kenya right now.

  • Pragmatist2

    Bernie Madoff – Are you listening?
    Just send all your "investors" a letter saying that, upon review, they actually made a bundle!
    You'll be out by Valentine's Day.

  • MistaEko

    Christine's campaign documents all appear blank unless you tap them with your wand and chant "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

    • BarryOPotter

      The problem is when you get caught out, and smile your shit-eating grin, the teeth full of pubes only raises a new set of questions…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey, she's just following George "Dubya-is-for-Freedom" Bush's warrantless wiretapping strategy — just make it legal retroactively. We're a nation at war, you know, and sometimes we must hastily raid our campaign fund for booze and rent money, unless you want brave soldiers to die. Yeah, the GOP is back, bitches!

    • hagajim

      Oh goody! I can't wait for Darrell (holier than thou) Issa to get nailed taking money from every corrupt lobbyist in the world….should take about 10 seconds to start.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    when the fuck are Republican gonna learn that it's usually not the original activity but the cover-up that busts their ass?

    • GOPCrusher

      Never?

    • hagajim

      You used cover up and bust their ass in the same sentence…funny, most of the GOP seems to cover their asses by staying in the closet (Lindsay) until someone busts their asses (Larry) when they try to get their ass busted….or stretched or something like that.

      • Tommmcatt

        Speaking of which, where are the Lindsey blackmail photos? I'm beginning to think they will never materialize.

  • PresBeeblebrox

    The D.C. Department of Postcrime has taken an interest in this approach. Those precrime precogs can predict crime, but only postcrime can actually ERASE the crime.

  • floofy

    Looks like 111k residents of Delaware were employing the ham sandwich theory for who is fit to serve, but didn't realize you can't substitute the sandwich with a 40 or a bag of meth.

  • ttommyunger

    Birds gotta fly,Fish gotta swim,'Cept'n in Arkansas…

  • hagajim

    "I am not a witch" – "I'm you" (if by you I meant a person who takes dumb fucks hard earned monies and then eats my way through a ton of crappy food while running a campaign that brings out the most retarded people in the world to vote for me and now I'm going to convert my 15 seconds into a gig on Fox so I can continue to pander to the lowest common denominator that much of America has become because all of their brains have been rotted out by Twinkies!)yep – "I'm you"

  • MinAgain

    Give a woman a Lean Cuisine, and she'll eat for a day. Teach a woman how to divert campaign funds to pay for the Lean Cuisines, and she'll eat for a lifetime.

  • RayLewisOfNerds

    Dear Ms. Mitchell,

    Attached is a letter we received on Dec. 21, 2010. I feel you should be aware that some asshole is signing your name to stupid letters.

    FEC

  • PsycWench

    Um, the Wonkette graciously made it easy for us to see pix of her throughout the campaign. I don't know what she was eating but it wasn't Lean Cuisine.

    • Veritas78

      Agreed. Christine now be one fat-ass witch.

      No job, no boyfriend/wizard, can't masturbate—of course she was scarfing down whatever carbs she could find. It would be sad if she weren't such a dickunt.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      So she can't even fly away on her broomstick anymore?
      ~

    • Jukesgrrl

      Maybe the Pudding Cup was high in calories.

  • dyedwool

    Dear Sentient Person,

    Christine does not understand and is unable to do anything properly.

    Yours Sincerely,

    An Idiot In Her Corner

  • Flat_Earther

    At one time Cleta Mitchell was a Democrat. She sold out 20 years ago for a job at a Republican law and lobbying firm. Cleta makes a good representative for O'Donnell.

  • lulzmonger

    Ah, the "Dig Faster" school of legal defense.
    "I am not a witch – I'm hooped."

  • transfatz

    Well, the Lean Cuisines were traded for rubber boots which were then to be traded for vibrators when her masturbation stance crashed sex toy prices. Vibrator prices stayed high and she ended up being stuck with the boots except for a few pairs which she sold to Julian Assange. According to her counsel Weird, Weird and Weird, it's simply a matter of moving these boots into the right boxes in Excel and marking to market. Oh, and a little toe of frog. There, all fixed.
    It's not?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Palin billed state for nights spent at home
    taxpayers also funded family's travel
    by james v. grimaldi and karl vick
    washington post staff writers
    tuesday, september 9, 2008; page a01 anchorage, sept. 8 —

    Alaska gov. sarah palin has billed taxpayers for 312 nights spent in her own home during her first 19 months in office, charging a "per diem" allowance intended to cover meals and incidental expenses while traveling on state business. The governor also has charged the state for travel expenses to take her children on official out-of-town missions. and her husband, Todd, has billed the state for expenses and a daily allowance for trips he makes on official business for his wife. Palin, who earns $125,000 a year, claimed and received $16,951 as her allowance, which officials say was permitted because her official "duty station" is juneau, according to an analysis of her travel documents by the washington post. the governor's daughters and husband charged the state $43,490 to travel and many of the trips were to and from their house in wasilla and juneau, the capital city 600 miles away, the documents show. gubernatorial spokeswoman sharon leighow said monday that palin's expenses are not unusual and that, under state policy, the first family could have claimed per diem expenses for each child taken on official business but has not done so.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    10/30/08
    By Rachel D'Oro, Associated Press Writer

    ANCHORAGE, Alaska — A new ethics complaint has been filed against Sarah Palin, accusing the Alaska governor of abusing her power by charging the state when her children traveled with her.

    The complaint alleges that the Republican vice presidential nominee used her official position as governor for personal gain, violating a statute of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act. It follows a report by The Associated Press last week that Palin charged the state more than $21,000 for her three daughters' commercial flights, including events where they weren't invited, AND LATER ORDERED THEIR EXPENSE FORMS AMENDED TO SPECIFY OFFICIAL STATE BUSINESS.

    At least the lawyer can take her cue from the best!