Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors

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Pissing it all away.Christine O’Donnell’s lawyer has told the FEC that she will be going through O’Donnell’s campaign spending records to “fix” things. So the FBI really doesn’t even need to investigate her, because all of the money spent on her daily stock of Lean Cuisines will suddenly be moved under some innocuous-sounding part of the records. Everything is all fixed! Christine O’Donnell did have a way to make a living during all those years running for the Senate, and it wasn’t taking money out of her campaign contributions or selling stories about her pubic hair to Gawker. This was all one big misunderstanding! Though when this sort of thing happens, it just makes you sound more guilty.

In a letter to the FEC dated Dec. 21, Ms. Mitchell said that Ms. O’Donnell, who became the GOP nominee but lost the November election, “did not have the funds prior to the 2010 primary in September, 2010 to retain professional compliance vendors and counsel. Since the general election on November 2, 2010, the Committee’s compliance team has undertaken the task of going back to the beginning of the election cycle to reconcile all entries in the bank account to the FEC reports and is in the process of preparing amendment(s) to the previously filed reports as necessary.”

In other words, O’Donnell probably did not have enough money before the primary to hire a lawyer, because she was spending all her campaign funds on the aforementioned Lean Cuisines. But after the primary, she had enough money to hire people to cover up evidence (with magic lawyer spells) of the Lean Cuisines.

But c’mon, isn’t important to any Senate campaign to keep its candidates nourished and off the streets? These are fair expenditures, if people are really stupid enough to give this woman money to represent them in government. [WSJ]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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