wizarding wars

Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors

Pissing it all away.Christine O’Donnell’s lawyer has told the FEC that she will be going through O’Donnell’s campaign spending records to “fix” things. So the FBI really doesn’t even need to investigate her, because all of the money spent on her daily stock of Lean Cuisines will suddenly be moved under some innocuous-sounding part of the records. Everything is all fixed! Christine O’Donnell did have a way to make a living during all those years running for the Senate, and it wasn’t taking money out of her campaign contributions or selling stories about her pubic hair to Gawker. This was all one big misunderstanding! Though when this sort of thing happens, it just makes you sound more guilty.

In a letter to the FEC dated Dec. 21, Ms. Mitchell said that Ms. O’Donnell, who became the GOP nominee but lost the November election, “did not have the funds prior to the 2010 primary in September, 2010 to retain professional compliance vendors and counsel. Since the general election on November 2, 2010, the Committee’s compliance team has undertaken the task of going back to the beginning of the election cycle to reconcile all entries in the bank account to the FEC reports and is in the process of preparing amendment(s) to the previously filed reports as necessary.”

In other words, O’Donnell probably did not have enough money before the primary to hire a lawyer, because she was spending all her campaign funds on the aforementioned Lean Cuisines. But after the primary, she had enough money to hire people to cover up evidence (with magic lawyer spells) of the Lean Cuisines.

But c’mon, isn’t important to any Senate campaign to keep its candidates nourished and off the streets? These are fair expenditures, if people are really stupid enough to give this woman money to represent them in government. [WSJ]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. angryclownspawn

    Well, sure, who HASN'T gone back and changed the record after they embezzled a bunch of money. Maybe she really is us. Or Arthur Anderson. Or some other rich wall street bastard who rips off people who think they are going to spend the money in some other responsible way. Whatever.

    1. Sophist FCD

      Well, sure, who HASN'T gone back and changed the record after they embezzled a bunch of money.

      Well, yeah, but traditionally you don't say to the authorities "excuse me while I go falsify these records" and then lock yourself in a broom closet for three hours with a pen and a bottle of white-out.

    1. Not_So_Much

      This will be a "re-imagining", like that last Star Trek movie. (but with waaay less hot, alien sexxy time)

      1. zhubajie

        She can sweep the crackers from my bed anytime; I'm sure she's only virginal is some ways and not in others.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    She's no welfare queen. Cause she's white and conservative. Everyone knows that conservative white people are the best at managing money and following the rules.

    1. Terry

      She's white, conservative, and cute. If she was toothless from some hollow in Appalachia, she'd be treated like a minority. Unless, of course, she wore a tea bagger t-shirt and had a meth lab in her trailer, then she'd be a libertarian hero over on Reason.com.

      1. binarian

        I for, one, would be willing to provide her with a test environment in which she could improve her technique.

        1. BarryOPotter

          F'ing humanitarian you are. Hope your magic is strong, because when that libido wakes, you'll be knee deep in the middle of Lake Crazy with the water rising fast and the shore far, far away, and you'd better be able to "Accio Broom" like a muthafuq or the O'Donnell Jungle's gonna suck you in and that's all she wrote, brah!

  3. SorosBot

    Well sure she didn't know how to comply with the law, I mean it's not like she ran twice before and should have known how to do so already.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Not knowing how to comply with the law is a perfect basis for assuming that you are qualified to create law! That can-do attitude worked for every other knothead that made it into congress. See ya in 2012, Christine!

    2. Not_So_Much

      Another witch performed a memory spell on her since then. Probably came free with the hymen-regeneration hex.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Ignorance of the existing laws does not preclude having the ability to devise new ones?

  4. jodyleek

    Christine wants to know if you can cook the books in the microwave along with the Hot Pocket.

      1. Steverino247

        Wow. I'm impressed with that montage! The best comment on the video was the one about how many people are jerking off to it.

        1. Crank_Tango

          well I was going to ask if it was OK to be jerking off to that, but I am just gonna go ahead and not worry about it then.

  5. Gorillionaire

    OT but if you were watching cable news today you would think that they are coronating the fucking Queen of England today.

    1. dyedwool

      Right after it says Browns and people with vaginas can cover themselves with it. The Constitution, I mean. Not Lean Cuisines. Although that should probably be in there too.

  6. SorosBot

    Based on Ms. Mitchell's belief that the FBI will allow Christine to go back and cook the books if she asked nicely, while O'Donnell now has the funds to retain a compliance lawyer she still doesn't have a good one.

  7. bitchincamaro2

    Dear FEC:

    We will not be cooking the books, we shall merely poach them in a vegetable broth, to be served on a bed of red couscous and wild mushrooms.

    Miz Mitchell, Esq.

  8. edgydrifter

    You know, maybe she really isn't a witch, because if she is she's doing a crap job of it.
    "These are not the financial records you're looking for…"
    "Uh, yes they are, Ms. O'Donnell."
    "I can go about my business…"
    "You have the right to remain silent, Ms. O'Donnell."

  9. GuanoFaucet

    "But after the primary, she had enough money to hire people to cover up evidence (with magic lawyer spells) of the Lean Cuisines."

    Everything's cool. The prosecution will counter the defense's "Touch of Idiocy" by casting "Dispel Dumbass" or putting up an "Anti-Fucktard Field".

    1. hagajim

      I thought she could probably cover up the evidence with her big ol' ass…oh wait – the evidence is her big ol' ass.

  10. fuflans

    to be fair, christine doesn't really know the precious, precious constitution. you can't expect her to be up on FEC law as well can you?

  11. Redhead

    Now she just needs to cast a memory spell to make the investigators forget about this little discussion (or one of those flashy pens from "Men in Black").

  12. LionelHutzEsq

    Her lawyer might be able to get rid of this problem, but can she get rid of the image of Christine kanoodling with a pudding cup beard out of my head? And isn't that enough reason to throw her in jail?

  13. JustPixelz

    This is like a real-life remake of Mel Brooks' "The Producers" – raise money, put on a sure-fire flop ("Springtime for Hitler"), walk away. No one looks at the books.

  14. undeterredbyreality

    Well, I know I need a nice car to get clients, nice clothes to look good, good food to keep well nourished, and a roof over my head to keep from the cold in order to go to work each day, which is why I deduct each and every one of these items on my tax returns. All work-related expenses, of course.

    And, to keep working, I need to chill, so the X and the booze and the weed all get included as well. I'm surprised I can be so productive on so little actual income…

    1. HolyMaracas

      …a Brazilian wax?
      "When her underwear came off, I immediately noticed that the waxing trend had completely passed her by." (via Gawker)

  15. randoracer

    I'm returning that package of Ho-Hos to the store right now so as not to be investigated for shoplifting. Sure, the product inside has been consumed, but it's the thought that counts, right?

  16. HedonismBot

    Lean Cuisines are not an allowable campaign expenditure. Meth is. Fortunately, she saved her meth receipts. All good.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Actually, things look good for Christine. All the incriminating Lean Cuisine evidence went down the toilet.

  17. Callyson

    Well, what did Christine O'Donnell's contributors think their money was going to be used for? Voter education and outreach or something boring like that? Come on, FBI, have a sense of humor…think of how much more fun we can have if she runs again…

  18. undeterredbyreality


    SnarkoMarx: I hereby relinquish my former avatar (We Are Doomed) which you socialistically acquired through the beer-hall putsch on Krystolnacht sometime after I started using it. For the record, I do not agree that identities are something that should be shared with the communisties; however, I have now adopted a new one. Don't steal my face (again)!

    1. BarryOPotter

      "And thus concludes tonight's session of 'Questions for Michael.' Good night, and God speed."

  19. Weenus299

    What, no "hide the receipts and extra cash in the Deep Woodsy cave" comment? Only the TSA would want to rifle through that.

    No, I would too. I admit it.

  20. Sassomatic

    Doesn't the FBI have anything better to do than enforce the law? They should be proving that Obama was born in Kenya right now.

  21. Pragmatist2

    Bernie Madoff – Are you listening?
    Just send all your "investors" a letter saying that, upon review, they actually made a bundle!
    You'll be out by Valentine's Day.

  22. MistaEko

    Christine's campaign documents all appear blank unless you tap them with your wand and chant "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

    1. BarryOPotter

      The problem is when you get caught out, and smile your shit-eating grin, the teeth full of pubes only raises a new set of questions…

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Hey, she's just following George "Dubya-is-for-Freedom" Bush's warrantless wiretapping strategy — just make it legal retroactively. We're a nation at war, you know, and sometimes we must hastily raid our campaign fund for booze and rent money, unless you want brave soldiers to die. Yeah, the GOP is back, bitches!

    1. hagajim

      Oh goody! I can't wait for Darrell (holier than thou) Issa to get nailed taking money from every corrupt lobbyist in the world….should take about 10 seconds to start.

  24. OC_Surf_Serf

    when the fuck are Republican gonna learn that it's usually not the original activity but the cover-up that busts their ass?

    1. hagajim

      You used cover up and bust their ass in the same sentence…funny, most of the GOP seems to cover their asses by staying in the closet (Lindsay) until someone busts their asses (Larry) when they try to get their ass busted….or stretched or something like that.

      1. Tommmcatt

        Speaking of which, where are the Lindsey blackmail photos? I'm beginning to think they will never materialize.

  25. PresBeeblebrox

    The D.C. Department of Postcrime has taken an interest in this approach. Those precrime precogs can predict crime, but only postcrime can actually ERASE the crime.

  26. floofy

    Looks like 111k residents of Delaware were employing the ham sandwich theory for who is fit to serve, but didn't realize you can't substitute the sandwich with a 40 or a bag of meth.

  27. hagajim

    "I am not a witch" – "I'm you" (if by you I meant a person who takes dumb fucks hard earned monies and then eats my way through a ton of crappy food while running a campaign that brings out the most retarded people in the world to vote for me and now I'm going to convert my 15 seconds into a gig on Fox so I can continue to pander to the lowest common denominator that much of America has become because all of their brains have been rotted out by Twinkies!)yep – "I'm you"

  28. MinAgain

    Give a woman a Lean Cuisine, and she'll eat for a day. Teach a woman how to divert campaign funds to pay for the Lean Cuisines, and she'll eat for a lifetime.

  29. RayLewisOfNerds

    Dear Ms. Mitchell,

    Attached is a letter we received on Dec. 21, 2010. I feel you should be aware that some asshole is signing your name to stupid letters.


  30. PsycWench

    Um, the Wonkette graciously made it easy for us to see pix of her throughout the campaign. I don't know what she was eating but it wasn't Lean Cuisine.

    1. Veritas78

      Agreed. Christine now be one fat-ass witch.

      No job, no boyfriend/wizard, can't masturbate—of course she was scarfing down whatever carbs she could find. It would be sad if she weren't such a dickunt.

  31. dyedwool

    Dear Sentient Person,

    Christine does not understand and is unable to do anything properly.

    Yours Sincerely,

    An Idiot In Her Corner

  32. Flat_Earther

    At one time Cleta Mitchell was a Democrat. She sold out 20 years ago for a job at a Republican law and lobbying firm. Cleta makes a good representative for O'Donnell.

  33. transfatz

    Well, the Lean Cuisines were traded for rubber boots which were then to be traded for vibrators when her masturbation stance crashed sex toy prices. Vibrator prices stayed high and she ended up being stuck with the boots except for a few pairs which she sold to Julian Assange. According to her counsel Weird, Weird and Weird, it's simply a matter of moving these boots into the right boxes in Excel and marking to market. Oh, and a little toe of frog. There, all fixed.
    It's not?

  34. NorthStarSpanx

    Palin billed state for nights spent at home
    taxpayers also funded family's travel
    by james v. grimaldi and karl vick
    washington post staff writers
    tuesday, september 9, 2008; page a01 anchorage, sept. 8 —

    Alaska gov. sarah palin has billed taxpayers for 312 nights spent in her own home during her first 19 months in office, charging a "per diem" allowance intended to cover meals and incidental expenses while traveling on state business. The governor also has charged the state for travel expenses to take her children on official out-of-town missions. and her husband, Todd, has billed the state for expenses and a daily allowance for trips he makes on official business for his wife. Palin, who earns $125,000 a year, claimed and received $16,951 as her allowance, which officials say was permitted because her official "duty station" is juneau, according to an analysis of her travel documents by the washington post. the governor's daughters and husband charged the state $43,490 to travel and many of the trips were to and from their house in wasilla and juneau, the capital city 600 miles away, the documents show. gubernatorial spokeswoman sharon leighow said monday that palin's expenses are not unusual and that, under state policy, the first family could have claimed per diem expenses for each child taken on official business but has not done so.

  35. NorthStarSpanx

    By Rachel D'Oro, Associated Press Writer

    ANCHORAGE, Alaska — A new ethics complaint has been filed against Sarah Palin, accusing the Alaska governor of abusing her power by charging the state when her children traveled with her.

    The complaint alleges that the Republican vice presidential nominee used her official position as governor for personal gain, violating a statute of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act. It follows a report by The Associated Press last week that Palin charged the state more than $21,000 for her three daughters' commercial flights, including events where they weren't invited, AND LATER ORDERED THEIR EXPENSE FORMS AMENDED TO SPECIFY OFFICIAL STATE BUSINESS.

    At least the lawyer can take her cue from the best!

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