WIZARDING WARS  4:17 pm January 5, 2011

Christine O’Donnell’s Lawyer Will ‘Fix’ Campaign Docs To Please FBI Aurors

by Jack Stuef

Pissing it all away.Christine O’Donnell’s lawyer has told the FEC that she will be going through O’Donnell’s campaign spending records to “fix” things. So the FBI really doesn’t even need to investigate her, because all of the money spent on her daily stock of Lean Cuisines will suddenly be moved under some innocuous-sounding part of the records. Everything is all fixed! Christine O’Donnell did have a way to make a living during all those years running for the Senate, and it wasn’t taking money out of her campaign contributions or selling stories about her pubic hair to Gawker. This was all one big misunderstanding! Though when this sort of thing happens, it just makes you sound more guilty.

In a letter to the FEC dated Dec. 21, Ms. Mitchell said that Ms. O’Donnell, who became the GOP nominee but lost the November election, “did not have the funds prior to the 2010 primary in September, 2010 to retain professional compliance vendors and counsel. Since the general election on November 2, 2010, the Committee’s compliance team has undertaken the task of going back to the beginning of the election cycle to reconcile all entries in the bank account to the FEC reports and is in the process of preparing amendment(s) to the previously filed reports as necessary.”

In other words, O’Donnell probably did not have enough money before the primary to hire a lawyer, because she was spending all her campaign funds on the aforementioned Lean Cuisines. But after the primary, she had enough money to hire people to cover up evidence (with magic lawyer spells) of the Lean Cuisines.

But c’mon, isn’t important to any Senate campaign to keep its candidates nourished and off the streets? These are fair expenditures, if people are really stupid enough to give this woman money to represent them in government. [WSJ]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 142 comments }

angryclownspawn January 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Well, sure, who HASN'T gone back and changed the record after they embezzled a bunch of money. Maybe she really is us. Or Arthur Anderson. Or some other rich wall street bastard who rips off people who think they are going to spend the money in some other responsible way. Whatever.

Extemporanus January 5, 2011 at 5:06 pm

"I'm not a rich…I'm you."

V572625694 January 5, 2011 at 5:23 pm

This is the kind of thing "professional compliance vendors" get paid for.

Sophist FCD January 5, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Well, sure, who HASN'T gone back and changed the record after they embezzled a bunch of money.

Well, yeah, but traditionally you don't say to the authorities "excuse me while I go falsify these records" and then lock yourself in a broom closet for three hours with a pen and a bottle of white-out.

dyedwool January 5, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Well, you do if you're a dumbass. And/or Christine O'Donnell.

ttommyunger January 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Makes perfect sense to me, I'm sure this will fly, no problem.

Not_So_Much January 5, 2011 at 5:50 pm

This will be a "re-imagining", like that last Star Trek movie. (but with waaay less hot, alien sexxy time)

ttommyunger January 5, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Lawyers! What will those scamps be up to next?

dyedwool January 5, 2011 at 8:50 pm

'Course it'll fly. Have broomstick, will travel.

ttommyunger January 5, 2011 at 9:40 pm

And I know where that stick is planted; permanently.

ttommyunger January 5, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Face it, Lefty, would YOU hire her?

zhubajie January 6, 2011 at 12:09 am

She can sweep the crackers from my bed anytime; I'm sure she's only virginal is some ways and not in others.

ttommyunger January 6, 2011 at 9:30 am

She could be enjoyable, but she would have to promise never to speak.

Maman January 5, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Can you amend a crime?

Not_So_Much January 5, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Is she Republican? (Don't you hate people that answer a question with another question?)

ManchuCandidate January 5, 2011 at 4:22 pm

She's no welfare queen. Cause she's white and conservative. Everyone knows that conservative white people are the best at managing money and following the rules.

genxr January 5, 2011 at 4:26 pm

So good, that they don't need to be investigated or examined in any way.

JustPixelz January 5, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Like the difference between white "foragers" and black "looters" after Katrina.

Terry January 5, 2011 at 4:57 pm

She's white, conservative, and cute. If she was toothless from some hollow in Appalachia, she'd be treated like a minority. Unless, of course, she wore a tea bagger t-shirt and had a meth lab in her trailer, then she'd be a libertarian hero over on Reason.com.

OneDollarJuana January 5, 2011 at 5:38 pm

And she doesn't drive a Cadillac.

nounverb911 January 5, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Sorry you don't get your second chance until after you get out of prison.

Tommmcatt January 5, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Lean Cuisine sucks.

elviouslyqueer January 5, 2011 at 4:29 pm

So does Christine. But Lean Cuisine's technique is much, much better.

binarian January 5, 2011 at 4:39 pm

I for, one, would be willing to provide her with a test environment in which she could improve her technique.

BarryOPotter January 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

F'ing humanitarian you are. Hope your magic is strong, because when that libido wakes, you'll be knee deep in the middle of Lake Crazy with the water rising fast and the shore far, far away, and you'd better be able to "Accio Broom" like a muthafuq or the O'Donnell Jungle's gonna suck you in and that's all she wrote, brah!

lulzmonger January 6, 2011 at 3:07 am

Unless Trojan now makes a Kevlar model, that's a very stupid brave offer indeed.

binarian January 7, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I know……I'm afraid I'm displaying masochistic tendencies….

SorosBot January 5, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Well sure she didn't know how to comply with the law, I mean it's not like she ran twice before and should have known how to do so already.

angryclownspawn January 5, 2011 at 4:34 pm

How could anyone have possibly thought she wasn't qualified to serve in Congress?

ChessieNefercat January 5, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Not knowing how to comply with the law is a perfect basis for assuming that you are qualified to create law! That can-do attitude worked for every other knothead that made it into congress. See ya in 2012, Christine!

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 5, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Can someone explain to me just what the fuck "the law" has to do with being a Senator, anyway?

Not_So_Much January 5, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Another witch performed a memory spell on her since then. Probably came free with the hymen-regeneration hex.

mog253 January 5, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Or any other kind of science for that matter. Case Closed.

mog253 January 5, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Insert appropriate "ignorance of the law" snark here.

ChessieNefercat January 5, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Ignorance of the existing laws does not preclude having the ability to devise new ones?

jodyleek January 5, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Christine wants to know if you can cook the books in the microwave along with the Hot Pocket.

genxr January 5, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Only if she bought that hot pocket with campaign funds.

jus_wonderin January 5, 2011 at 4:57 pm

That does give me an idea. Maybe CO could sell her hotpocket for cash.

trampndirtdown January 5, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I'd buy her a drink or two for her hotpocket.

Weenus299 January 5, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Maybe he's going to toss the stash in the Deep Woods Hot Pocket.

SorosBot January 5, 2011 at 5:25 pm

The Deep Woods Hot Pocket is her vagina.

harry_palmer January 5, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Usually th FBI drops an investigation if the sus[ect assures them everything is ok. It's pretty thoughtful of her to save them all that trouble.

MiniMencken January 5, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Certainly been my experience.

Steverino247 January 5, 2011 at 4:30 pm

I guess if she had O's that picture would be a good O Face, don't you think, guys?

undeterredbyreality January 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Yes indeedy. Where are her hands, anyway?

genxr January 5, 2011 at 4:52 pm

CO: Excuse me, may I use the restroom?
Host: Of course
(long pause)
CO: Thank you

mereoblivion January 5, 2011 at 4:56 pm

They're counting how many O's she's had this millennium.

Extemporanus January 5, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Alright, Steverino, you asked for it:

A Christine O'Donnell doppelgänger [YUM-]O-face montage!

Steverino247 January 5, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Wow. I'm impressed with that montage! The best comment on the video was the one about how many people are jerking off to it.

Crank_Tango January 5, 2011 at 6:35 pm

well I was going to ask if it was OK to be jerking off to that, but I am just gonna go ahead and not worry about it then.

BarackMyWorld January 5, 2011 at 6:57 pm
SudsMcKenzie January 5, 2011 at 4:32 pm

A campaign finance record in the hand is worth two in the bush.

FlyOverGirl January 5, 2011 at 10:33 pm

In this case, that's a whole lotta bush.

Gorillionaire January 5, 2011 at 4:32 pm

OT but if you were watching cable news today you would think that they are coronating the fucking Queen of England today.

SexySmurf January 5, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Nah, just the Queen of Ohio.

Weenus299 January 5, 2011 at 5:17 pm

A simple Orangeman in the humble service of God and Country.

Not_So_Much January 5, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Way more orange and way less testosterone.

jakegittes January 5, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Where in the constitution does it say you can't buy Lean Cuisine with campaign money?

dyedwool January 5, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Right after it says Browns and people with vaginas can cover themselves with it. The Constitution, I mean. Not Lean Cuisines. Although that should probably be in there too.

SorosBot January 5, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Based on Ms. Mitchell's belief that the FBI will allow Christine to go back and cook the books if she asked nicely, while O'Donnell now has the funds to retain a compliance lawyer she still doesn't have a good one.

bitchincamaro2 January 5, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Dear FEC:

We will not be cooking the books, we shall merely poach them in a vegetable broth, to be served on a bed of red couscous and wild mushrooms.

Honestly,
Miz Mitchell, Esq.

edgydrifter January 5, 2011 at 4:35 pm

You know, maybe she really isn't a witch, because if she is she's doing a crap job of it.
"These are not the financial records you're looking for…"
"Uh, yes they are, Ms. O'Donnell."
"I can go about my business…"
"You have the right to remain silent, Ms. O'Donnell."

GuanoFaucet January 5, 2011 at 4:36 pm

"But after the primary, she had enough money to hire people to cover up evidence (with magic lawyer spells) of the Lean Cuisines."

Everything's cool. The prosecution will counter the defense's "Touch of Idiocy" by casting "Dispel Dumbass" or putting up an "Anti-Fucktard Field".

hagajim January 5, 2011 at 6:35 pm

I thought she could probably cover up the evidence with her big ol' ass…oh wait – the evidence is her big ol' ass.

TanzbodenKoenig January 5, 2011 at 4:37 pm

If at first you don't succeed, lie and then try to cover it up

dyedwool January 5, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Miss, you are no Bush (pick your number) Administration…

SexySmurf January 5, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Cleta Mitchell is a terrible name for a familiar.

Maman January 5, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Familiar? or Inept?

jus_wonderin January 5, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Honestly sounds like something that requires antibiotics.

outragedcitizen January 6, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Cleta Mitchell is a terrible name for Anything! Seriously, Cleta?

fuflans January 5, 2011 at 4:41 pm

to be fair, christine doesn't really know the precious, precious constitution. you can't expect her to be up on FEC law as well can you?

Redhead January 5, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Now she just needs to cast a memory spell to make the investigators forget about this little discussion (or one of those flashy pens from "Men in Black").

harry_palmer January 5, 2011 at 4:44 pm

At least in prison she ought to learn some bankable skills. She's unemployable AND inept as a grifter as things stand right now.

Boredw/Gravity January 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm

That hasn't hurt Sarah or Bristol Palin's careers at all.

SorosBot January 5, 2011 at 5:02 pm

And at a woman's prison she'll have no problem keeping to her pledge of technical virginity.

Crank_Tango January 5, 2011 at 6:41 pm

and she is finally gonna learn her way around a pussy.

LionelHutzEsq January 5, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Her lawyer might be able to get rid of this problem, but can she get rid of the image of Christine kanoodling with a pudding cup beard out of my head? And isn't that enough reason to throw her in jail?

zhubajie January 6, 2011 at 12:13 am

Pudding Cup Beard is a eunuch for Christ, don'tchknow?

JustPixelz January 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm

This is like a real-life remake of Mel Brooks' "The Producers" – raise money, put on a sure-fire flop ("Springtime for Hitler"), walk away. No one looks at the books.

MarionNYNY January 5, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Referenced and blogged on 12/30/2010

undeterredbyreality January 5, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Well, I know I need a nice car to get clients, nice clothes to look good, good food to keep well nourished, and a roof over my head to keep from the cold in order to go to work each day, which is why I deduct each and every one of these items on my tax returns. All work-related expenses, of course.

And, to keep working, I need to chill, so the X and the booze and the weed all get included as well. I'm surprised I can be so productive on so little actual income…

bitchincamaro2 January 5, 2011 at 4:55 pm

You may as well change your avatar to a red flag, right now.

genxr January 5, 2011 at 4:51 pm

She was supposed to get a Brazilian after she lost…

/fixed

HolyMaracas January 5, 2011 at 5:15 pm

…a Brazilian wax?
"When her underwear came off, I immediately noticed that the waxing trend had completely passed her by." (via Gawker)

jakegittes January 5, 2011 at 4:51 pm

She's definitely got the butt for wearing a thong on those Rio beaches.

randoracer January 5, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I'm returning that package of Ho-Hos to the store right now so as not to be investigated for shoplifting. Sure, the product inside has been consumed, but it's the thought that counts, right?

twogoats January 5, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Where in the Constitution does it say separation of personal and campaign expenses?

mereoblivion January 5, 2011 at 4:53 pm

How many is a Brazilian, again?

BarryOPotter January 5, 2011 at 5:45 pm

'bout a Donna

HedonismBot January 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Lean Cuisines are not an allowable campaign expenditure. Meth is. Fortunately, she saved her meth receipts. All good.

OneDollarJuana January 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Actually, things look good for Christine. All the incriminating Lean Cuisine evidence went down the toilet.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 5, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Christine who?

VicariousMe January 5, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Obliviated?

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 5, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Wishful thinking…

Spanky2a January 5, 2011 at 6:47 pm
Monsieur_Grumpe January 5, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Lawyer “Seriously Christine, $44,569.52 for a Brazilian wax?”
Christine “Yes, there were uh, complications.”

weejee January 5, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Brazilian wax job?? I thought she weaved a raffia basket with them and sold it on eBay to buy her Lean Cuisines.

Flat_Earther January 5, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Can we see before and after pictures of the waxing?

Tengu January 5, 2011 at 4:57 pm

"I'm not a <s>witch</s> crook."

Tengu January 5, 2011 at 4:58 pm

"I'm not a witch crook."

Callyson January 5, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Well, what did Christine O'Donnell's contributors think their money was going to be used for? Voter education and outreach or something boring like that? Come on, FBI, have a sense of humor…think of how much more fun we can have if she runs again…

PresBeeblebrox January 5, 2011 at 6:09 pm

How about rallies at restaurants owned by the Heathen Chinee?

Steverino247 January 5, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I'm sorry. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor that I'm aware of.

weejee January 5, 2011 at 5:01 pm

She's missing the point. She needs to get with the *Al Capone*-inspired gangstah retort I paid my taxes.

HolyMaracas January 5, 2011 at 5:04 pm

In the words of "blue collar" comedian Ron White, "you can't fix stupid!"

Jukesgrrl January 5, 2011 at 9:30 pm

No, but you can put it on television for all to see and people will throw money at it.

undeterredbyreality January 5, 2011 at 5:05 pm

OKAY: OFF TOPIC BUT:

SnarkoMarx: I hereby relinquish my former avatar (We Are Doomed) which you socialistically acquired through the beer-hall putsch on Krystolnacht sometime after I started using it. For the record, I do not agree that identities are something that should be shared with the communisties; however, I have now adopted a new one. Don't steal my face (again)!

Crank_Tango January 5, 2011 at 6:47 pm

thanks for making me feel already stoned. i don't understand ANY of that.

Wilcoxyz January 5, 2011 at 5:18 pm

"Professional compliance vendor" is the RNC expense account term for dominatrix, right?

BarryOPotter January 6, 2011 at 11:34 am

"And thus concludes tonight's session of 'Questions for Michael.' Good night, and God speed."

Pragmatist2 January 5, 2011 at 5:19 pm

There's no honesty as touching as retroactive honesty.

el_donaldo January 5, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Aurors?

lulzmonger January 6, 2011 at 3:31 am

http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Auror

Don't know Harry Potter for shit but I can Google like a Jedi.

Chet Kincaid January 6, 2011 at 10:38 am

That's right Scooby, auditors!

BarryOPotter January 6, 2011 at 11:35 am

"Aurors! Blades out! Shit's 'bout to get rrrrreeeaaaaalll!!!!"

Weenus299 January 5, 2011 at 5:22 pm

What, no "hide the receipts and extra cash in the Deep Woodsy cave" comment? Only the TSA would want to rifle through that.

No, I would too. I admit it.

Sassomatic January 5, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Doesn't the FBI have anything better to do than enforce the law? They should be proving that Obama was born in Kenya right now.

Pragmatist2 January 5, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Bernie Madoff – Are you listening?
Just send all your "investors" a letter saying that, upon review, they actually made a bundle!
You'll be out by Valentine's Day.

MistaEko January 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Christine's campaign documents all appear blank unless you tap them with your wand and chant "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

BarryOPotter January 6, 2011 at 11:37 am

The problem is when you get caught out, and smile your shit-eating grin, the teeth full of pubes only raises a new set of questions…

SayItWithWookies January 5, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Hey, she's just following George "Dubya-is-for-Freedom" Bush's warrantless wiretapping strategy — just make it legal retroactively. We're a nation at war, you know, and sometimes we must hastily raid our campaign fund for booze and rent money, unless you want brave soldiers to die. Yeah, the GOP is back, bitches!

hagajim January 5, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Oh goody! I can't wait for Darrell (holier than thou) Issa to get nailed taking money from every corrupt lobbyist in the world….should take about 10 seconds to start.

OC_Surf_Serf January 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm

when the fuck are Republican gonna learn that it's usually not the original activity but the cover-up that busts their ass?

GOPCrusher January 5, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Never?

hagajim January 5, 2011 at 6:32 pm

You used cover up and bust their ass in the same sentence…funny, most of the GOP seems to cover their asses by staying in the closet (Lindsay) until someone busts their asses (Larry) when they try to get their ass busted….or stretched or something like that.

Tommmcatt January 5, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Speaking of which, where are the Lindsey blackmail photos? I'm beginning to think they will never materialize.

PresBeeblebrox January 5, 2011 at 6:08 pm

The D.C. Department of Postcrime has taken an interest in this approach. Those precrime precogs can predict crime, but only postcrime can actually ERASE the crime.

floofy January 5, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Looks like 111k residents of Delaware were employing the ham sandwich theory for who is fit to serve, but didn't realize you can't substitute the sandwich with a 40 or a bag of meth.

ttommyunger January 5, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Birds gotta fly,Fish gotta swim,'Cept'n in Arkansas…

hagajim January 5, 2011 at 6:27 pm

"I am not a witch" – "I'm you" (if by you I meant a person who takes dumb fucks hard earned monies and then eats my way through a ton of crappy food while running a campaign that brings out the most retarded people in the world to vote for me and now I'm going to convert my 15 seconds into a gig on Fox so I can continue to pander to the lowest common denominator that much of America has become because all of their brains have been rotted out by Twinkies!)yep – "I'm you"

MinAgain January 5, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Give a woman a Lean Cuisine, and she'll eat for a day. Teach a woman how to divert campaign funds to pay for the Lean Cuisines, and she'll eat for a lifetime.

RayLewisOfNerds January 5, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Dear Ms. Mitchell,

Attached is a letter we received on Dec. 21, 2010. I feel you should be aware that some asshole is signing your name to stupid letters.

FEC

PsycWench January 5, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Um, the Wonkette graciously made it easy for us to see pix of her throughout the campaign. I don't know what she was eating but it wasn't Lean Cuisine.

Veritas78 January 5, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Agreed. Christine now be one fat-ass witch.

No job, no boyfriend/wizard, can't masturbate—of course she was scarfing down whatever carbs she could find. It would be sad if she weren't such a dickunt.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 5, 2011 at 9:33 pm

So she can't even fly away on her broomstick anymore?
~

Jukesgrrl January 5, 2011 at 9:33 pm

Maybe the Pudding Cup was high in calories.

dyedwool January 5, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Dear Sentient Person,

Christine does not understand and is unable to do anything properly.

Yours Sincerely,

An Idiot In Her Corner

Flat_Earther January 5, 2011 at 10:20 pm

At one time Cleta Mitchell was a Democrat. She sold out 20 years ago for a job at a Republican law and lobbying firm. Cleta makes a good representative for O'Donnell.

lulzmonger January 6, 2011 at 3:34 am

Ah, the "Dig Faster" school of legal defense.
"I am not a witch – I'm hooped."

transfatz January 6, 2011 at 6:03 am

Well, the Lean Cuisines were traded for rubber boots which were then to be traded for vibrators when her masturbation stance crashed sex toy prices. Vibrator prices stayed high and she ended up being stuck with the boots except for a few pairs which she sold to Julian Assange. According to her counsel Weird, Weird and Weird, it's simply a matter of moving these boots into the right boxes in Excel and marking to market. Oh, and a little toe of frog. There, all fixed.
It's not?

NorthStarSpanx January 6, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Palin billed state for nights spent at home
taxpayers also funded family's travel
by james v. grimaldi and karl vick
washington post staff writers
tuesday, september 9, 2008; page a01 anchorage, sept. 8 —

Alaska gov. sarah palin has billed taxpayers for 312 nights spent in her own home during her first 19 months in office, charging a "per diem" allowance intended to cover meals and incidental expenses while traveling on state business. The governor also has charged the state for travel expenses to take her children on official out-of-town missions. and her husband, Todd, has billed the state for expenses and a daily allowance for trips he makes on official business for his wife. Palin, who earns $125,000 a year, claimed and received $16,951 as her allowance, which officials say was permitted because her official "duty station" is juneau, according to an analysis of her travel documents by the washington post. the governor's daughters and husband charged the state $43,490 to travel and many of the trips were to and from their house in wasilla and juneau, the capital city 600 miles away, the documents show. gubernatorial spokeswoman sharon leighow said monday that palin's expenses are not unusual and that, under state policy, the first family could have claimed per diem expenses for each child taken on official business but has not done so.

NorthStarSpanx January 6, 2011 at 11:00 pm

10/30/08
By Rachel D'Oro, Associated Press Writer

ANCHORAGE, Alaska — A new ethics complaint has been filed against Sarah Palin, accusing the Alaska governor of abusing her power by charging the state when her children traveled with her.

The complaint alleges that the Republican vice presidential nominee used her official position as governor for personal gain, violating a statute of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act. It follows a report by The Associated Press last week that Palin charged the state more than $21,000 for her three daughters' commercial flights, including events where they weren't invited, AND LATER ORDERED THEIR EXPENSE FORMS AMENDED TO SPECIFY OFFICIAL STATE BUSINESS.

At least the lawyer can take her cue from the best!

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