rumors on the internets

Today America Is Restored (Got Rid Of the Vagina Speaker)

  • Newly unearthed documents show the ACLU was founded by COMMUNISTS in 1919. This fact is truly shocking because why would anyone want to overthrow capitalism during the golden age of child labor? [The Daily Caller]
  • Muslims are slated to show up in the next Narnia movie, where, thanks to the PC police, they will capture the lion-Jesus and slaughter him halal-style in some CGI fantasy-mosk to serve at KFC with tzatziki sauce and pita. [Big Hollywood]
  • Amazingly, KFC’s haute-cuisine MAY be halal-certified, which upon consuming will turn any honest anus-loving American into a barbarian terrorist. [Bare Naked Islam]
  • Nancy Pelosi is America’s mother-in-law because she is a revolting female — isn’t that a funny joke about her female genital parts??? [RedState]
  • Thankfully, we’ll soon be free of Obama’s fascist health care and free to contract hepatitis everywhere. [Daily Intel]

About the author

Benjamin Frisch is a comic book artist, and sometimes journalist currently habituating somewhere on the elitist liberal east coast of the United States. His published works include a short lived, but beloved cross-dressing comic strip entitled Maurice Antoinette and some other stuff not worth mentioning. As a journalist, Benjamin somehow contributed to National Public Radio, with his story At the Concert Hall, a Symphony for Space Invaders. Benjamin is currently delaying adulthood as a graduate student, and plans to remain one forever. He can be twittered at Twitter.com/BenjaminFrisch

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83 comments

  1. slithytoves

    You can now start your day with me in your email inbox, check in with me throughout the day here at RedState and on CNN, and close out your day with me by tuning to 750 AM or, in the Atlanta area, 95.5 FM, and if you just can’t get the signal, go to <a href="http://wsbradio.com.” target=”_blank”>http://wsbradio.com.

    Or maybe I could just slit my own throat and pour battery acid down it. Yeah, that sounds better.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Guess that is that "liberal media" I keep hearing the mentally ill and mentally retarded rant about.

  2. SmutBoffin

    Re: the ACLU thing

    I thought everybody with a passing knowledge of the history of this organization knew this already. Even the dim bulbs at The Daily Caller are saying 'Duh!'. Next scoop: some of the founding members of the Human Rights Campaign are GAY.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      I'm looking forward to The Daily Caller's great expose on Roosevelt meeting with Stalin. Clearly everything he did was to help the Commies!

      1. GOPCrusher

        And they met in Tehran. So FDR was not only a Communist sympathizer, but he was also a closet Muslin.

    2. mumbly_joe

      Right, but if you also rewrite history so that the Palmer raids were a great thing, rather than a dark episode of American history marked by suppression of legitimate speech through illegal means masquarading as the law, then also the ACLU were trying to overthrow the government, because terrorists.

      Also, McCarthy was totally vindicated, too, also.

  3. glamourdammerung

    People that disagreed with the government did not want the government to torture them to death over it. Is it wrong that I am not really finding that all too shocking of a revelation?

    1. An_Outhouse

      Somebody gets paid by the word because it took three pages to come to that conclusion. Don't worry, I didn't read them all.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    What we have here is failure to comprehend. Some folks you just can't. So you get what we had here last year, which is the way they wants it… well, they'll get it.

  5. SorosBot

    Since eating Halal food apparently magically makes one Muslim, does the fact that I ate from a Kosher deli the other day mean I'm now a Jew?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      If you unconsciously flinched when you saw the deli manager slicing the brisket, then yes.

      1. user-of-owls

        I've been circumscribed, circumnavigated and convicted on circumstantial evidence. Does that count?

        1. LionelHutzEsq

          I been Norman Mailered, Maxwell Taylored.
          I been John O'Hara'd, McNamara'd.
          I been Rolling Stoned and Beatled till I'm blind.
          I been Ayn Randed, nearly branded
          Communist, 'cause I'm left-handed.
          That's the hand I use, well, never mind!

  6. nounverb911

    "Today America Is Restored (Got Rid Of the Vagina Speaker)"

    Considering how much Boner cries, how do you know he isn't really a six year old girl in a clown suit?

  7. tabouley

    "Pelosi Galore"? Does this work on any level at all, or is just another pathetic attempt at right wing "humor"?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Nope, not at all. Especially considering the stupidity rampant on RedState, like this gem:

      Too bad I finally got a job, I have to work today and will have to catch up on the festivities tonight.. Please provide a link later….. I have a job finally after almost two years of temp jobs and stressful times, so exited I cannot stand it.

      Obviously this poster didn't get a job involving using English as a first language. Or, for that matter, any brains at all.

  8. LionelHutzEsq

    Wow, thank you The Daily Caller for letting us know that left-wing groups 80 years ago talked with one another. I'm looking forward to their ten page report on how blacks supported the Democrats in 1968, leading to the Democratic party becoming very, very Urban.

  9. fuflans

    aren't there any other rumors on the internets besides batshit crazy right-wingnut rumors? or are they just not as funny?

  10. hagajim

    Hey John! Wherz my job! Maybe someone ought to let Tucker know that the Unions were also sorta commies – or at least wobblies.

  11. LionelHutzEsq

    And, interesting, according to Bare Naked Islam's article, apparently Sarah Palin is Muslim, or, at least, keeps Halal.

  12. LionelHutzEsq

    Really, looking at all of these stories, I understand why the people running for RNC chair do not read.

  13. hagajim

    "Today America Is Restored (Got Rid Of the Vagina Speaker)"

    I don't know, I kinda like the vagina speakers I installed on my stereo last week.

  14. jus_wonderin

    Since Republicans now control the House, how come we still have high unemployment? Slackers!!

  15. Maman

    I am presuming that Erick Erickson's MIL kicks his ass on a regular basis. Hell, his parents didn't love him enough to give him an unmockable name.

  16. HolyMaracas

    I made the mistake of clicking on the RedMeatState link. The article (and subsequent comments) actually make the ones on Breitbart sites look smart. Here's an example of insightful wingtard commentary:

    "Redstate, Twitter, Facebook, FOX News and on and on……the TRUTH will be heard, the MFM cannot and NEVER AGAIN will carry the debate of the day!"

    I loved the site's vintage 1997 design, though.

    1. HolyMaracas

      For example:
      "Redstate, Twitter, Facebook, FOX News and on and on……the TRUTH will be heard, the MFM cannot and NEVER AGAIN will carry the debate of the day!"

    2. mumbly_joe

      Assuming "MFM" is some sort of typo (I KNOW, I'm surprised as you are), it still never ceases to amuse that apparently the highest-rated cable "news" channel is apparently not part of the main-stream media, even though it basically has the ratings of the other news networks combined, thanks to Murdoch's strong-arm tactics. Wait, no, sadden. That's the word I meant.

      Fox News isn't mainstream media the same way McDonalds isn't mainstream American gluttony. The only distinction that needs to be made is that it's media, not journalism, just as McDonalds is gluttony, not nutrition.

      1. HolyMaracas

        I just assumed it was a "clever" attempt to combine the F-word with MSM.

        When it comes to mainstream media, the difference is that most liberals will recognize when there is left bias (and MSNBC doesn''t claim to be "fair and balanced" either). You can't say the same about right wingers: anything they don't understand, don't agree with or when reporters ask legitimate questions, it automatically becomes "lamestream", liberal media.

  17. mumbly_joe

    If Nacy Pelosi is America's Mother-in-Law, does that make Michelle Bachmann America's Great-Aunt with dementia?

  18. weejee

    Erik binErik, John "I Send Red" Rossomando, Red State et al pissing and moaning about them reds like the ACLU? The reds are seeing red about the reds I guess. Since the new Speciousker is from Ohio, is this the new Big Red Machine?

    1. deanbooth

      I did a double-take the other day when a friend of mine mentioned John "Bay-ner." Since I don't watch the teevee, I assumed everyone said "Boner."

  19. not that Dewey

    Dear Daily Caller,

    John Dewey went to the Soviet Union to defend Trotsky against Stalinism, not to gush about it in books.

    Sincerely,

    etc.

    Also, I grew up as a lonely secular Jew in "Christian Jihadi Wheaton" (as young Riley once described it), where the new Halal KFC is located. All I can say is TAKE THAT, BILLY GRAHAM!

  20. JoeMamased

    Wow, this is the damning evidence from the cited ACLU letter:

    "Dr. Ward is, as you perhaps know, the author of several books on the profit motive. … Could you give him any letters of introduction or suggestions of persons to see who could show him exactly how non-profit incentives work?"

    Commie terrists. Shocking. "The ACLU's untold Stalinist heritage," indeed!

  21. GeneralLerong

    'Way back when I read Dr. Adder, I thought that the death machine hand was actually a pretty neat idea.

    The mere existence of Red State makes me now wonder if someone should get to work on a prototype.

    And maybe those giant chickens, too.

  22. Lazy Media

    Heh, I was just wondering about how they were going to handle "A Horse and His Boy." The way the box office arc is going, they might just do "The Silver Chair" and call it a day.

    Dummy there claiming that AHAHB is anti-Muslim is fulla crap, of course; it's anti-Arab (or perhaps anti-Persian). Calormene society is like a Middle Eastern court from the Middle Ages (as Narnia is an idealized European monarchy). Calormenes worship the god Tash, and their religion bears pretty much no resemblance to Islam.

    The Narnia books certainly include some racist and sexist themes, but no more so than the society they were created in. They do include a fair amount of multiculturalism, too; the tall blond humans may run things in Narnia, but they appreciate and celebrate the dwarves/fauns/talking critters, and don't try to "civilize" them; quite the opposite.

    1. mumbly_joe

      And if I recall correctly, one of the Calormene protagonists from AHAHB even has an interracial marriage at a later point without any ado whatsoever, so there's racist themes, like and such as, but even there, it's pretty complicated, honestly. But, as you mention, a product of the time, more than clear-cut evidence of racism, frankly. CS Lewis was no HP Lovecraft, in that respect.

      Calormene religion, overall, is polytheistic, and clearly not Islam, really. It seems to be based on pre-Islamic polytheism or medieval Christian misperception or misrepresentation of Islam as a polytheistic pagan faith, although Tash's representation as a Satan figure is kinda complicating there. Still, the message at the end, that virtuous Tash-followers are actually obeying Aslan and unvirtuous Aslan-followers owe their obesience to Tash, actually, was always something I took away as a somewhat condescendingly phrased universalist sentiment, unlike these guys, who seem to have gotten the message, "LOL Islam is evil and the only good Arabs are Christian converts".

      Who am I kidding, though? I'm mostly surprised so many of the Breitbots can read, at all. Expecting them to be able to read for comprehension is honestly asking for too much.

  23. MinAgain

    I would refer to RedState as a He-Man Woman Hater's Club, but that would be an insult to the comparatively sophisticated, nuanced Little Rascals.

  24. Negropolis

    Begun the Great American Restortation has.

    I like how Pelosi just cold layed down her accomplishments and a warning whilst giving over the gavel. It's like she was simply and temporarily allowing her little brother to take over for a few years.

    She'll be back, and next time, she's not leaving. Be on notice Republifucks; You were warned. This clock doesn't stop ticking.

Comments are closed.