RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  3:29 pm January 5, 2011

Today America Is Restored (Got Rid Of the Vagina Speaker)

by Benjamin Frisch

  • Newly unearthed documents show the ACLU was founded by COMMUNISTS in 1919. This fact is truly shocking because why would anyone want to overthrow capitalism during the golden age of child labor? [The Daily Caller]
  • Muslims are slated to show up in the next Narnia movie, where, thanks to the PC police, they will capture the lion-Jesus and slaughter him halal-style in some CGI fantasy-mosk to serve at KFC with tzatziki sauce and pita. [Big Hollywood]
  • Amazingly, KFC’s haute-cuisine MAY be halal-certified, which upon consuming will turn any honest anus-loving American into a barbarian terrorist. [Bare Naked Islam]
  • Nancy Pelosi is America’s mother-in-law because she is a revolting female — isn’t that a funny joke about her female genital parts??? [RedState]
  • Thankfully, we’ll soon be free of Obama’s fascist health care and free to contract hepatitis everywhere. [Daily Intel]
  •  

Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 83 comments }

slithytoves January 5, 2011 at 3:46 pm

You can now start your day with me in your email inbox, check in with me throughout the day here at RedState and on CNN, and close out your day with me by tuning to 750 AM or, in the Atlanta area, 95.5 FM, and if you just can’t get the signal, go to <a href="http://wsbradio.com.” target=”_blank”>http://wsbradio.com.

Or maybe I could just slit my own throat and pour battery acid down it. Yeah, that sounds better.

SmutBoffin January 5, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I would rather have my body rubbed vigorously by a brawny dominatrix with a cheese grater.

jus_wonderin January 5, 2011 at 4:12 pm

The large grate end or the small grate end??

SmutBoffin January 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Surprise me.

jus_wonderin January 5, 2011 at 4:19 pm

LOL

Negropolis January 5, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Stop it, you guys. You are getting me all hot-and-bothered.

SayItWithWookies January 5, 2011 at 4:20 pm

The small end is zestier.

elviouslyqueer January 5, 2011 at 4:25 pm

That's what she said.

GOPCrusher January 5, 2011 at 5:58 pm

I've been out of the loop. How much does something like that cost nowadays?

glamourdammerung January 5, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Guess that is that "liberal media" I keep hearing the mentally ill and mentally retarded rant about.

SmutBoffin January 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Re: the ACLU thing

I thought everybody with a passing knowledge of the history of this organization knew this already. Even the dim bulbs at The Daily Caller are saying 'Duh!'. Next scoop: some of the founding members of the Human Rights Campaign are GAY.

LionelHutzEsq January 5, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I'm looking forward to The Daily Caller's great expose on Roosevelt meeting with Stalin. Clearly everything he did was to help the Commies!

GOPCrusher January 5, 2011 at 5:22 pm

And they met in Tehran. So FDR was not only a Communist sympathizer, but he was also a closet Muslin.

LionelHutzEsq January 5, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Dear God, you are right! The plot goes back that far. Has Glenn Beck been informed?

horsedreamer_1 January 5, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Not the only thing in that White House closet, if you know what I mean. & I think you do.

mumbly_joe January 5, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Right, but if you also rewrite history so that the Palmer raids were a great thing, rather than a dark episode of American history marked by suppression of legitimate speech through illegal means masquarading as the law, then also the ACLU were trying to overthrow the government, because terrorists.

Also, McCarthy was totally vindicated, too, also.

Terry January 5, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Put tzatziki sauce on most anything and it will go down easier.

CZL January 5, 2011 at 3:55 pm

What about the carefree misogyny of Eric Erickson?

harry_palmer January 5, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Isn't the technical term for Vagina Speaker "Cuntrilovist"? Now we've got one who talks out of his ass.

rocktonsam January 5, 2011 at 5:48 pm

and blow smoke up his own ass, while crying also.

Negropolis January 5, 2011 at 10:48 pm

I think the PC term is "Vaginatrix".

GuanoFaucet January 5, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Am I the only one that thought the headline said:

"Today America is Retarded"?

glamourdammerung January 5, 2011 at 3:48 pm

People that disagreed with the government did not want the government to torture them to death over it. Is it wrong that I am not really finding that all too shocking of a revelation?

An_Outhouse January 5, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Somebody gets paid by the word because it took three pages to come to that conclusion. Don't worry, I didn't read them all.

ManchuCandidate January 5, 2011 at 3:50 pm

What we have here is failure to comprehend. Some folks you just can't. So you get what we had here last year, which is the way they wants it… well, they'll get it.

SorosBot January 5, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Since eating Halal food apparently magically makes one Muslim, does the fact that I ate from a Kosher deli the other day mean I'm now a Jew?

elviouslyqueer January 5, 2011 at 3:59 pm

If you unconsciously flinched when you saw the deli manager slicing the brisket, then yes.

LionelHutzEsq January 5, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Are you circumcised?

bitchincamaro2 January 5, 2011 at 4:24 pm

I wonder how he feels about fried calamari.

user-of-owls January 5, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Nostalgic.

SorosBot January 5, 2011 at 4:27 pm

As an American man born in the 1970s, that answer should be obvious.

LionelHutzEsq January 5, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Ah, you are a Muslim infidel.

user-of-owls January 5, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I've been circumscribed, circumnavigated and convicted on circumstantial evidence. Does that count?

jus_wonderin January 5, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I might add, I hate zippers.

LionelHutzEsq January 5, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I been Norman Mailered, Maxwell Taylored.
I been John O'Hara'd, McNamara'd.
I been Rolling Stoned and Beatled till I'm blind.
I been Ayn Randed, nearly branded
Communist, 'cause I'm left-handed.
That's the hand I use, well, never mind!

tabouley January 5, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Only if you circumsized the world in a giant clipper, like that guy Magellan.

Boredw/Gravity January 5, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Do you have guilt and issues with your mother?

SorosBot January 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Yes, but then I used to be Catholic which also has that effect.

nounverb911 January 5, 2011 at 3:55 pm

"Today America Is Restored (Got Rid Of the Vagina Speaker)"

Considering how much Boner cries, how do you know he isn't really a six year old girl in a clown suit?

OneDollarJuana January 5, 2011 at 4:02 pm

My six-year-old daughter never cried as much as the Boner. And she wasn't orange.

mrblifil January 5, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Now to repeal that pesky Emancipation Proclamation and everything will be good again. Orange is the new black.

tabouley January 5, 2011 at 4:01 pm

"Pelosi Galore"? Does this work on any level at all, or is just another pathetic attempt at right wing "humor"?

elviouslyqueer January 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Nope, not at all. Especially considering the stupidity rampant on RedState, like this gem:

Too bad I finally got a job, I have to work today and will have to catch up on the festivities tonight.. Please provide a link later….. I have a job finally after almost two years of temp jobs and stressful times, so exited I cannot stand it.

Obviously this poster didn't get a job involving using English as a first language. Or, for that matter, any brains at all.

jus_wonderin January 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Is that a tweet from Sarah???

SorosBot January 5, 2011 at 4:28 pm

T

CZL January 5, 2011 at 7:44 pm

T

GOPCrusher January 5, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Lazy fucker was just livin off the gubmint for two years?

revmod January 5, 2011 at 10:37 pm

The Republicans are already getting people back to work! Whatdyathink – rentboy?

LionelHutzEsq January 5, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Wow, thank you The Daily Caller for letting us know that left-wing groups 80 years ago talked with one another. I'm looking forward to their ten page report on how blacks supported the Democrats in 1968, leading to the Democratic party becoming very, very Urban.

fuflans January 5, 2011 at 4:07 pm

aren't there any other rumors on the internets besides batshit crazy right-wingnut rumors? or are they just not as funny?

Boredw/Gravity January 5, 2011 at 4:16 pm

There are lots of rumors on Snopes, but no, they're not nearly as funny.

hagajim January 5, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Hey John! Wherz my job! Maybe someone ought to let Tucker know that the Unions were also sorta commies – or at least wobblies.

SmutBoffin January 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Yeah, and they even let a Socialist run for president in those days.

LionelHutzEsq January 5, 2011 at 4:09 pm

And, interesting, according to Bare Naked Islam's article, apparently Sarah Palin is Muslim, or, at least, keeps Halal.

LionelHutzEsq January 5, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Really, looking at all of these stories, I understand why the people running for RNC chair do not read.

hagajim January 5, 2011 at 4:12 pm

"Today America Is Restored (Got Rid Of the Vagina Speaker)"

I don't know, I kinda like the vagina speakers I installed on my stereo last week.

JoeMamased January 5, 2011 at 5:43 pm

The maintenance on them is outrageous, though.

jus_wonderin January 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Since Republicans now control the House, how come we still have high unemployment? Slackers!!

Maman January 5, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I am presuming that Erick Erickson's MIL kicks his ass on a regular basis. Hell, his parents didn't love him enough to give him an unmockable name.

HolyMaracas January 5, 2011 at 4:24 pm

I made the mistake of clicking on the RedMeatState link. The article (and subsequent comments) actually make the ones on Breitbart sites look smart. Here's an example of insightful wingtard commentary:

"Redstate, Twitter, Facebook, FOX News and on and on……the TRUTH will be heard, the MFM cannot and NEVER AGAIN will carry the debate of the day!"

I loved the site's vintage 1997 design, though.

HolyMaracas January 5, 2011 at 4:31 pm

For example:
"Redstate, Twitter, Facebook, FOX News and on and on……the TRUTH will be heard, the MFM cannot and NEVER AGAIN will carry the debate of the day!"

mumbly_joe January 5, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Assuming "MFM" is some sort of typo (I KNOW, I'm surprised as you are), it still never ceases to amuse that apparently the highest-rated cable "news" channel is apparently not part of the main-stream media, even though it basically has the ratings of the other news networks combined, thanks to Murdoch's strong-arm tactics. Wait, no, sadden. That's the word I meant.

Fox News isn't mainstream media the same way McDonalds isn't mainstream American gluttony. The only distinction that needs to be made is that it's media, not journalism, just as McDonalds is gluttony, not nutrition.

HolyMaracas January 5, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I just assumed it was a "clever" attempt to combine the F-word with MSM.

When it comes to mainstream media, the difference is that most liberals will recognize when there is left bias (and MSNBC doesn''t claim to be "fair and balanced" either). You can't say the same about right wingers: anything they don't understand, don't agree with or when reporters ask legitimate questions, it automatically becomes "lamestream", liberal media.

mumbly_joe January 5, 2011 at 4:24 pm

If Nacy Pelosi is America's Mother-in-Law, does that make Michelle Bachmann America's Great-Aunt with dementia?

jus_wonderin January 5, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Michelle could be America's easy Sister.

mumbly_joe January 5, 2011 at 4:27 pm

But with dementia, though, right?

weejee January 5, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Not twisted sister?

user-of-owls January 5, 2011 at 4:43 pm

And Reagan could be the vegetable served at family dinners.

weejee January 5, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Erik binErik, John "I Send Red" Rossomando, Red State et al pissing and moaning about them reds like the ACLU? The reds are seeing red about the reds I guess. Since the new Speciousker is from Ohio, is this the new Big Red Machine?

user-of-owls January 5, 2011 at 5:08 pm

For Nancy. For Nancy Whiskey. Who better to see her out than Shane McGowan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTwFtITN6Ag

Monsieur_Grumpe January 5, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Reading Redstate causes a state of mind that is like the bad taste in your mouth that you get after drinking spoiled milk only it's in your brain.

GOPCrusher January 5, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Really, isn't anyone that says Boehner, making a dick joke?

deanbooth January 5, 2011 at 7:56 pm

I did a double-take the other day when a friend of mine mentioned John "Bay-ner." Since I don't watch the teevee, I assumed everyone said "Boner."

not that Dewey January 5, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Dear Daily Caller,

John Dewey went to the Soviet Union to defend Trotsky against Stalinism, not to gush about it in books.

Sincerely,

etc.

Also, I grew up as a lonely secular Jew in "Christian Jihadi Wheaton" (as young Riley once described it), where the new Halal KFC is located. All I can say is TAKE THAT, BILLY GRAHAM!

JoeMamased January 5, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Wow, this is the damning evidence from the cited ACLU letter:

"Dr. Ward is, as you perhaps know, the author of several books on the profit motive. … Could you give him any letters of introduction or suggestions of persons to see who could show him exactly how non-profit incentives work?"

Commie terrists. Shocking. "The ACLU's untold Stalinist heritage," indeed!

mumbly_joe January 6, 2011 at 8:09 am

Wait… I worked for a non-profit, once. Does that mean…

Oh, no.

The Stalinist is… me!

RedneckMuslin January 5, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Boy! Nancy said "Cry me a river, Boner". And he certainly did.

GeneralLerong January 5, 2011 at 6:15 pm

'Way back when I read Dr. Adder, I thought that the death machine hand was actually a pretty neat idea.

The mere existence of Red State makes me now wonder if someone should get to work on a prototype.

And maybe those giant chickens, too.

Lazy Media January 5, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Heh, I was just wondering about how they were going to handle "A Horse and His Boy." The way the box office arc is going, they might just do "The Silver Chair" and call it a day.

Dummy there claiming that AHAHB is anti-Muslim is fulla crap, of course; it's anti-Arab (or perhaps anti-Persian). Calormene society is like a Middle Eastern court from the Middle Ages (as Narnia is an idealized European monarchy). Calormenes worship the god Tash, and their religion bears pretty much no resemblance to Islam.

The Narnia books certainly include some racist and sexist themes, but no more so than the society they were created in. They do include a fair amount of multiculturalism, too; the tall blond humans may run things in Narnia, but they appreciate and celebrate the dwarves/fauns/talking critters, and don't try to "civilize" them; quite the opposite.

mumbly_joe January 6, 2011 at 7:47 am

And if I recall correctly, one of the Calormene protagonists from AHAHB even has an interracial marriage at a later point without any ado whatsoever, so there's racist themes, like and such as, but even there, it's pretty complicated, honestly. But, as you mention, a product of the time, more than clear-cut evidence of racism, frankly. CS Lewis was no HP Lovecraft, in that respect.

Calormene religion, overall, is polytheistic, and clearly not Islam, really. It seems to be based on pre-Islamic polytheism or medieval Christian misperception or misrepresentation of Islam as a polytheistic pagan faith, although Tash's representation as a Satan figure is kinda complicating there. Still, the message at the end, that virtuous Tash-followers are actually obeying Aslan and unvirtuous Aslan-followers owe their obesience to Tash, actually, was always something I took away as a somewhat condescendingly phrased universalist sentiment, unlike these guys, who seem to have gotten the message, "LOL Islam is evil and the only good Arabs are Christian converts".

Who am I kidding, though? I'm mostly surprised so many of the Breitbots can read, at all. Expecting them to be able to read for comprehension is honestly asking for too much.

BarackMyWorld January 5, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Would a vagina speaker be considered a woofer or a tweeter?

MinAgain January 5, 2011 at 7:44 pm

I would refer to RedState as a He-Man Woman Hater's Club, but that would be an insult to the comparatively sophisticated, nuanced Little Rascals.

Negropolis January 5, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Begun the Great American Restortation has.

I like how Pelosi just cold layed down her accomplishments and a warning whilst giving over the gavel. It's like she was simply and temporarily allowing her little brother to take over for a few years.

She'll be back, and next time, she's not leaving. Be on notice Republifucks; You were warned. This clock doesn't stop ticking.

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